Walking the NC ledge

[SleekArchitecture]

I wish I had a magic potion, but it will happen only when you are really ready and are able to think about the pros and cons reasonable and truthfully. It took a long time for me to find this special place of peace. When you reach it, you will feel no urge, not even a slight pull to contact them or hope they contact you. And most importantly you have gained back enough esteem that you do not give one d... about what the reasons are for not contacting.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm so scared I'll never come out the other side. This affair completely changed me and I don't remember what I felt like or who I was before it anymore.

 

It's like he took over my world and I let him.

 

Yes, I know that feeling. Trust me, I'm here to tell you that you will come out of it. If I did, then you will too. You will find yourself again and you will find that desire to enjoy things in life again. Promise.

 

As for your no contact, I can understand what you are saying about not wanting to end it on a 'bad' note. But someone made a point earlier that was spot on - it isn't really about 'closure' (totally overrated). It's more about your wanting your feelings and the relationship validated. And that's normal. You want to know that it mattered - that you mattered to him. The thing is, you KNOW that you did, and there is your validation and your closure. You mattered to each other, but it couldn't go on.

 

I can promise you that after awhile, it won't matter and it won't even be in your mind (probably his either) how it 'ended'. What I did to get through no contact was not to think about the 'foreverness' of it. I just thought about it one day at a time. I even let myself think about it as being my decision (which it was) meaning I could change that decision at any time. It was up to me and I was in control, and instead of thinking about forever, just work on thinking about getting through today. Then tomorrow, do the same thing. Eventually you will go through it and come out on top. Best to you -

[SolG]

I totally see how wrong it is but the thought of us ending on a bad not it killing me. I know it had to end, I just wish it could have ended differently.

 

Ronnie, I've had what could be seen as the dream end to an affair in terms of 'closure' (sheesh I hate that word!). Beautiful location overseas, days to process it together, mountains of talking it through, definitive planning together for NC and mutual support on the lead up... But I can 110 per cent guarantee that I'll be climbing the walls just as high as you and suffering just as much when we implement as you and all the other Others going through this.

 

Yes, I probably have some advantages in terms of understanding and putting this thing to bed. But at the end of the day losing someone you love that you don't want to lose is emotionally traumatic. It's horrible. It hurts. And the consensus from the been there done that crowd is that talking to them won't help with that.

 

Sounds to me like you're doing really well in the face of all that. Keep going xo

[m4p]

Hi Ronnie..

I am going through the exact same thing now. It's been a month since we ended things and just like what you said my xMM too was a nice person. If only he was an A-hole it would have been much easier but from the start till the end he was as decent as he could have been under such shady circumstance. We had a talk recently when he called me out of the blue. But guess what? This prolonged contact did NOTHING for me and my feelings. If anything it made it worse and I had to start a thread here to clear my head.

 

Trust me. I feel that I am already in a better place than I was 1 month ago. It still hurts like hell but im now looking forward to 2..3...6 months down the road where I can only get better. The only solution for this kind of circumstances is to stay NC.

 

Like today I got triggered when someone at work mentioned him (we were ex colleagues) and it made me feel like crying all over again. So I went to my car to sit and cry and it made me feel better.

 

Another lovely poster said not to hide our feelings and just let it wash over. Holding it in only creates tension in ourself. One day there won't be anymore tears left for this person who just isn't meant to be in our life.

 

I also constantly remind myself that many posters here have went through the same situation. Everyone struggle but we can and we will get better.

 

I also got myself scheduled for a therapist next week and cannot wait to help myself move on.

 

Ps: even typing these out makes me feel heavy and sad all over again but I really believe it can be done.

 

Chin up and big hug to you!!!!

[Ronnie33]

Yes, I know that feeling. Trust me, I'm here to tell you that you will come out of it. If I did, then you will too. You will find yourself again and you will find that desire to enjoy things in life again. Promise.

 

As for your no contact, I can understand what you are saying about not wanting to end it on a 'bad' note. But someone made a point earlier that was spot on - it isn't really about 'closure' (totally overrated). It's more about your wanting your feelings and the relationship validated. And that's normal. You want to know that it mattered - that you mattered to him. The thing is, you KNOW that you did, and there is your validation and your closure. You mattered to each other, but it couldn't go on.

 

I can promise you that after awhile, it won't matter and it won't even be in your mind (probably his either) how it 'ended'. What I did to get through no contact was not to think about the 'foreverness' of it. I just thought about it one day at a time. I even let myself think about it as being my decision (which it was) meaning I could change that decision at any time. It was up to me and I was in control, and instead of thinking about forever, just work on thinking about getting through today. Then tomorrow, do the same thing. Eventually you will go through it and come out on top. Best to you -

 

Thank You Hope, thank you

 

Your second paragraph helped so much. My best friend said the same thing earlier "why do you keep questioning if he cared, you know he did"

 

I guess the need to feel it mattered is because you don't want to think that you went through all this and lost yourself for someone who didn't give a damn.

Edited March 18, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie, I've had what could be seen as the dream end to an affair in terms of 'closure' (sheesh I hate that word!). Beautiful location overseas, days to process it together, mountains of talking it through, definitive planning together for NC and mutual support on the lead up... But I can 110 per cent guarantee that I'll be climbing the walls just as high as you and suffering just as much when we implement as you and all the other Others going through this.

 

Yes, I probably have some advantages in terms of understanding and putting this thing to bed. But at the end of the day losing someone you love that you don't want to lose is emotionally traumatic. It's horrible. It hurts. And the consensus from the been there done that crowd is that talking to them won't help with that.

 

Sounds to me like you're doing really well in the face of all that. Keep going xo

 

Thank You Soig

 

You are right, either way is a painful loss. Last year when I ended it, it was on good terms and it hurt like hell and I went back. This time it's on bad terms and hurts the same.

Edited March 18, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Ronnie33]

Hi Ronnie..

I am going through the exact same thing now. It's been a month since we ended things and just like what you said my xMM too was a nice person. If only he was an A-hole it would have been much easier but from the start till the end he was as decent as he could have been under such shady circumstance. We had a talk recently when he called me out of the blue. But guess what? This prolonged contact did NOTHING for me and my feelings. If anything it made it worse and I had to start a thread here to clear my head.

 

Trust me. I feel that I am already in a better place than I was 1 month ago. It still hurts like hell but im now looking forward to 2..3...6 months down the road where I can only get better. The only solution for this kind of circumstances is to stay NC.

 

Like today I got triggered when someone at work mentioned him (we were ex colleagues) and it made me feel like crying all over again. So I went to my car to sit and cry and it made me feel better.

 

Another lovely poster said not to hide our feelings and just let it wash over. Holding it in only creates tension in ourself. One day there won't be anymore tears left for this person who just isn't meant to be in our life.

 

I also constantly remind myself that many posters here have went through the same situation. Everyone struggle but we can and we will get better.

 

I also got myself scheduled for a therapist next week and cannot wait to help myself move on.

 

Ps: even typing these out makes me feel heavy and sad all over again but I really believe it can be done.

 

Chin up and big hug to you!!!!

 

I sympathize with you completely. The feeling of panic has been strong the past few days. I'm trying to accept that we will never speak again but then I almost feel like I'm having a panic attack at the thought of it. I can only hope I'm on the road to recovery because I really want to feel better again. I think it doesn't help that I only work part time and my days were always filled with talking to him.

 

Good luck to you and you are on your way to better days. If you need us we are here.

[lookingforclosure]

I guess the need to feel it mattered is because you don't want to think that you went through all this and lost yourself for someone who didn't give a damn.

 

You hit the nail on the head Ronnie33...that's exactly why I have been so hung up on this "closure" thing. Thank you for putting that in black and white. Because no matter how toxic or wrong the relationship was at the time..he did care, just because he didn't choose me doesn't mean I never meant anything to him. Trying to make his marriage work is his priority...and I see that if the shoe was on the other foot I would probably do the same thing. No one wants to be blocked or ignored, but I can see that's the only way he can actually put 100% into "his" life. Constant reminders of me or having one last talk would only put him back just like breaking NC will put me back.

I'm not going to lie...I have hoped that he would come to me and want to only be with me, that he couldn't live without me. But I also have to think about his family as RainbowLove has mentioned. I have to walk away and let them work on their relationship. No good will ever come of his marriage as long as I am around any way, shape, or form. And he did make the commitment to her, not me...he owes her everything.

[Ronnie33]

You hit the nail on the head Ronnie33...that's exactly why I have been so hung up on this "closure" thing. Thank you for putting that in black and white. Because no matter how toxic or wrong the relationship was at the time..he did care, just because he didn't choose me doesn't mean I never meant anything to him. Trying to make his marriage work is his priority...and I see that if the shoe was on the other foot I would probably do the same thing. No one wants to be blocked or ignored, but I can see that's the only way he can actually put 100% into "his" life. Constant reminders of me or having one last talk would only put him back just like breaking NC will put me back.

I'm not going to lie...I have hoped that he would come to me and want to only be with me, that he couldn't live without me. But I also have to think about his family as RainbowLove has mentioned. I have to walk away and let them work on their relationship. No good will ever come of his marriage as long as I am around any way, shape, or form. And he did make the commitment to her, not me...he owes her everything.

 

To me, there is no way you can be apart of someone's life for two years and share personal things with them and talk all day every day and not care. When it ends so suddenly though it leaves you questioning "if they care why aren't they coming back". It scares us to think that when it ended all feeling for us ended too but you can't just shut feeling off. You can however push them aside and say I have to move on and it's easiest for them.