What would you do in this crisis?

[spiderowl]

The thing that he keeps doing is traveling to the town where I work -- he thinks I am going to move back with him and quit this job - as previously discussed.

 

 

But, what's probably most crazy/weird - is he only works a couple of hours in the morning - sometimes until noon. Then, he gets on a flight and flys back to my town to take me to dinner.

 

 

He says that he just can't take the anxiety of having me in that town by myself for dinner -- and he worries that I am going out with people after work.

 

 

 

 

Today, I went to the mall. We have continued to share our location on our iphones. He started calling repeatedly asking why I was in a hotel. I was not! I didn't answer first couple of times because I was in a store checking out. When I did, he said that my location showed I was in a hotel. Well, it's close to the parking lot in the mall. I said no...

 

 

Then he said "something was weird with me" because my texts were not coming through in a different color and he wondered if I was trying to hijack the location services by using a different phone ....

 

 

I said NO! He said that he believed I was and that he couldn't take the fact that I was playing games.

 

 

Then, he calmed down and told me he was getting ready to fly back to me - and I told him don't bother. He's currently freaking out and I am doing my best to avoid and block.

 

Why are you sharing your location with him? He obviously doesn't trust you anyway. He gets incredibly anxious when he is separated from you. The guy needs therapy and you need to make sure you have other options - a job of your own, money of your own, your own place to go to to get away from him. Can you not see how controlling he is?

[spiderowl]

I think part of the problem is that you have bonded with him. Bonding is a very deep process, it takes us over and we do not always understand why we feel bonded to someone who seems clearly unsuitable. Do not allow this unconscious process to keep you in a dangerous situation though. You need to keep reminding yourself of the bad things not the good ones because the bad things are dangerous to you and your child. It does seem that people who are bonded with someone harmful become almost maternal towards them too, forgiving them their terrible behaviour because they seem childlike in some ways. Do not let these compulsions and feelings dictate what happens; see them for what they are - instinctive processes that would be good if with the right person but if they happen with someone harmful, it can become dangerously addictive.

Edited March 18, 2015 by spiderowl

[MCGar]

There isn't going to be a way that you can separate with him without experiencing the pain of withdrawal from the high you get from him. No it's not love. I tend to have to explain what love is a lot on this board. People don't seem to know that love entails decisions, self and mutual respect, NOT JUST all the ooey gooey chemistry, comfort, etc. If it doesn't contain mutual respect and act of caring then it ain't even close to love.

 

So if you are waiting until you won't feel the pain of attachment then it won't happen until your body is dead or until he's squeezed out all energy from your soul.

 

Figure out, you are going to want to be with him, and do it anyway. Go to a dang lawyer have him draft up a No Contact letter with provision for your items stating that you will be responsible for picking them up withing x amount of days and that he is not allowed to move them until then. Have him send it and you get block him via e-mail, phone, etc. communicate ONLY to get the stuff and then go with a friend or hire a bodyguard to go with you to get the stuff.

He won't show his crazy to outsiders, you say you make enough at your job so use it for a lawyer.

 

This is how you act. Do it no matter how you feel and once you get away from the crazy you will start noticing changes in your feelings.

[Pinkdisney]

And now I will no longer react in this thread because I know your type. You know he is crazy yet you will keep asking obvious questions here and two years down the road you will still not have gotten rid of this guy.

You are an adult, you have a kid, behave like an adult. If you like to suffer (and some people seem to like that) we will not be able to stop you.

 

I can't highlight this enough - you HAVE A KID - please put your child first and break ties with this guy. He's tracking you through the mall on your phone? I mean come on!

[horses]

The tracking of my phone is my fault. I chose to share location on my iphone when he asked....because he is so scared that I am cheating etc. I have nothing to hide.

 

 

If I shut it off and disappear for a few hours with my son (which I've done) he goes ballistic and accuses me of everything under the sun.

I have also had times where I was staying in my son's hometown (in my friend's apartment) and he will call in the middle of the night and demand that I do facetime to prove I am where my phone says I am.

 

 

I feel obliged to do it because otherwise he will leave me and say I cheated on him.

Now, he's apologizing and begging me to just tell him how I'm feeling. But, I know better than to be honest and tell him my thoughts because he will use them against me. He says "I won't get mad" ...but he does.

 

 

My plan is to fake it tonight - and get to his house in the morning. Wait until he leaves for work - pack my car full of my stuff and go...and block him.

He flew into my work town tonight and expects me to drive him back tonight. Isn't that the best case scenario?

[writergal]

Do you have a place to go? Every city in the U.S. has a network of abused women shelters where you and your son could flee to after you leave. If you already have your financial papers, credit cards, etc. with you, just leave your clothes and things behind and go to a shelter and hide there. Swap out your phone, and do what you need to do to protect your and your son's identity from this crazy man. Don't leave him unless you have a place you can go directly to that is safe and that he is unaware of.

[horses]

I want to say I appreciate the ability to post on here and I hope no one bans me because this feedback is so crucial to me because it is giving me the ammo to be strong through this.

 

 

So, I will add this insight. This man is a surgeon and the other day when I described that he couldn't go to work when he was begging me to stay at his house (instead of go to work) he left patients in his waiting room and he missed a surgery.

 

 

He is SO hung up on me and whether I leave him - he will monitor my whereabouts on his phone or check the cameras in his house WHILE he's in SURGERY.

 

 

So, it takes some guts for me to pack up and leave tomorrow morning while he's at work because he will discover that I'm leaving through his cameras in his house and he will be in surgery.

 

 

This is why it's been so hard. I have SWORN to him that I won't leave and go to work etc so he can get through surgery - and not kill someone -- and then he discovers I DID leave and he calls me a horrible liar. It's because he can't handle the truth.

 

 

This is so hard - I am certain many of you can understand why this is difficult for me - on many levels.

 

 

Tonight, what else will I do? He needs to have a ride back to the house -- since he flew into town - requiring me to drive him back. He has surgeries in the morning.

 

 

What would YOU do?

[preraph]

If no one else has suggested it, I suggest if possible you really hide out for a week or so in case he goes ballistic. If you have women's shelters where you are you can ask them for advice how to hide out and all that. And here's a domestic violence hotline that might give you all kinds of advice and resources 1-800-799-7233. The first thing is to get your own phone and also have your car checked for tracking devices or he'll find you. So get a cheap phone or whatever and leave that one behind if he is tracking you on it or can see the account info and expenditures, etc.

 

Ladies, NEVER let a man buy you a phone, no matter how much you trust them at the time. It will backfire on you when you have to leave one day.

 

If you are having to go to work and all that, ask people to walk you to your car and back. You may have to get a restraining order if he won't walk away.

[Gloria25]

What would YOU do?

 

I would make my children my priority.

 

A penis isn't worth all this time and drama if I had kids. My time, energy, stress, and love would be focused 99.9% on my children.

 

Worst, I wouldn't have 00.1% of time to spend on a penis with potential for violence against me (which would take away my kid's mum) and/or my children.

 

If I need a guy, he can get my time/attention after my kids...the remaining 00.1% of my time when I send the kids to grandparents and/or their father and I sneak away for a dinner, movie and some nooky.

 

When my kids are 18, up and gone, then I'll see if I can allow for more than 00.1% time for a guy in my life.

 

THAT'S WHAT I'D DO

Edited March 19, 2015 by Gloria25

[preraph]

Do NOT take him to his house. He is trapping you. Don't get in the car with him. He can take a taxi to the airport. Lock him out of your house and leave and tell him he needs to go home alone, you are done, and then hole up somewhere for as long as it takes. If you have any big brother or father or anyone who can be with you during this, get them over there when you're sending him off to the airport. Otherwise, call the police if you have to and tell them you need to get him out of your house and that he's tracking and stalking you and you just want to get him out of your house and make him leave town.

[preraph]

You might also call the police station (not 911) and ask to speak to a victim's advocate, who might also have some suggestions or have some sway to help out some way with protection, though they can't do much if he hasn't broken the law.

[amaysngrace]

How can he be monitoring you while he's in surgery? That doesn't even make sense.

[horses]

I know...but he takes break DURING surgery and steps out and checks his phone!

 

 

He tells nurses he has to go to the bathroom...and he calls me if I'm not where I should be....

[amaysngrace]

I know...but he takes break DURING surgery and steps out and checks his phone!

 

 

He tells nurses he has to go to the bathroom...and he calls me if I'm not where I should be....

 

That right there should tell you how he treats the people that he's responsible for, if it's even true which I highly doubt.

[horses]

I just think it shows how unstable he can be --

 

 

could you imagine being his patient?

 

 

And like I mentioned, he also avoids going to work and seeing his patients when he is worried about what I'm going to do....

 

 

He just finds it terrorizing when I tell him I'm going to work in my son's hometown.

[amaysngrace]

Aren't you afraid that his private investigator is going to read everything you've posted here about him and relay it back to him?

[Divasu]

This man sounds like the character from "Sleeping With The Enemy". Ugh.

 

OP, you are being emotionally abused. I pray, PRAY, that it does not escalate to physical abuse (though, emotional abuse can be equally if not more, devastating but at least you live to see another day).

 

Each day you stay with him, your self confidence and sense of self will diminish until you're hollowed out to nothing more than merely a shell and you will not have the ability to fight back emotionally.

 

It's highly doubtful you'll pack up and leave after reading this thread, the good news is you've mustered up the courage to reach out because you know deep down something, is well..off.

 

Keep talking to your therapist, be completely honest with him/her about your interactions with this man, and PLEASE try to work on an exit plan.

[horses]

I am going through with it -- I have to.

 

 

The thing is I have backed myself into a corner. I told him I would quit work and I never did. And he thinks today is my last day. But I have to go to work tomorrow.

 

 

I MUST leave tomorrow and go back. He will know I lied again about it and he will melt down. I know this - and honestly, I hope he does melt down because it will help me.

 

 

He told me the other day he started crying in the shower and that he's just so, so tired and "beaten down" by me and my desire to be in my son's hometown for work -- that he can't handle much anymore.

 

 

I could just tell him I want to take a break and keep talking - but I personally think I will get weak. I feel the NO contact method will probably be better for me. IF I can stay strong enough.

[GemmaUK]

You read The Jealousy Game then.... My ex was in there too though he wasn't as bad as your guy is being.

 

 

NC is crucial, absolutely crucial!!

No responses to ANY contact from him and keep it all as a record.

Get a new phone so that you don't have him constantly on your mind. Or use a call blocker. Extreme Call Blocker is a superb app that I use. It will pick up and hang up for me, or ignore calls, it can also send a standard text to blocked numbers and will store texts for you to see or erase them for you (not a great idea to start with as you might need evidence).

 

 

 

 

 

You will find the strength to get out of this if you love yourself and your child enough.

Your love for him just has to come third on that list.

[horses]

I am leaving him. Now.

 

I went back with him last night to just glide through this am. The point was for me to get out with my things this morning.

 

But we ended up having a horrible fight when he told me that I can't travel for work at all. He said he could not bear to have me even do day trips anywhere for work.

 

I flipped out and told him that he is trying to own me. And control me. And that I will not stand for it... I told him I was leaving at that moment.

 

He started screaming, sobbing and vomiting! He said that he was so broken by me and all my demands. He then said he was going to take 2 months and trav the world. I said oh so I have to stay on this zip code and you are going to travel the world? He said "I'm just talking out loud!"

 

He started screaming and dry heaving this morning as he prepared to leave for work. He said he knew I was leaving and he couldn't handle losing me.

 

I lied to him to get him out of the house and now I'm packed and on the road. I didn't get everything, but I got enough.

 

He kept crying and saying that he was so broken. He was crying over his kids... Who he rarely sees and then saying something about his parents. I don't know.

 

He spent over 30 minutes inconsolable ... I finally lied enough to get him put of the house. He's on his way to work.

 

I guess I will never see him again. This is the point where I go no contact.

 

And damn it hurts. But, he is clearly unstable.

[ladyc4]

OK. You've escaped.

I realize this is risky, and that you may not be believed/he may be able to explain it away...

 

But fer the luv of gawd, contact the facility he does surgery at and let them know of his unstable behavior. In fact, it might be a good idea to put this in writing and mail a copy to yourself. ( called "poor mans' copyright"). You might even consider sending the letter as "registered"-someone will have to sign for it.

I'm not suggesting you do this for revenge or to protect yourself, but to protect the poor defenseless patients that come under his care. And I don't give a rats' hindquarters if he's caring for prisoners, livestock or gerbils.

 

This man needs to be on leave or at least closely monitored.

 

And yes, I am well aware that this may cause him to have further anger at you. The suggestions to talk to victim advocates and services for women-at-risk are excellent ones.

 

But the idea of this headcase operating on people while he is in psycho-emotional crisis makes me cringe!!!

[PinkInTheLimo]

Let's not hold our breath. She will go back to him. She loves the drama too much.

 

BTW, is this story really true? What surgeon goes to the bathroom to call his girlfriend?

Is he even a surgeon? Sounds to me like the guy has an awful lot of time on his hands to be a surgeon.

 

I honestly that horses must also be crazy to even want to spend one minute with this guy!

[BlueIris]

OK. You've escaped.

I realize this is risky, and that you may not be believed/he may be able to explain it away...

 

But fer the luv of gawd, contact the facility he does surgery at and let them know of his unstable behavior. In fact, it might be a good idea to put this in writing and mail a copy to yourself. ( called "poor mans' copyright"). You might even consider sending the letter as "registered"-someone will have to sign for it.

I'm not suggesting you do this for revenge or to protect yourself, but to protect the poor defenseless patients that come under his care. And I don't give a rats' hindquarters if he's caring for prisoners, livestock or gerbils.

 

No. I wouldn't recommend that. It could be interference with his professional relationships and defamation. Plus, he's likely lying about all of this anyway. The majority of professionals don't do what this guy claims he does. It's far more likely lies just to manipulate and play with OP like a puppet on a string.

 

OP, don't tangle with bad guys. Get away and live a positive life. What is it that this guy adds to your life? Over-the-top adoration and drama? It must be pretty darn good to be more important than your career, income, child, and peace of mind. Keep going to therapy to find out why this is ok with you.

[Timshel]

I'm with PinkInTheLimo and amaysngrace on this one. I remember the previous thread.

[ladyc4]

The thought has crossed my mind that "horses" might not be believed. The idea that she might be somehow be imperiled of civil litigation also crossed my mind. I have also considered the idea that this story-or parts thereof- may be exaggerated or blown of of context/proportion.

 

Be all that as it may, IF the story/situation is true, I feel that someone should speak up out of concern for people this man may be performing surgery on.

 

Otherwise-IF this all is true!-we can only hope that someone else notices this mans' agitation and instability and takes appropriate steps to protect his patients.

 

And we also can only hope that "horses" is able to resist any temptations or pressures to resume this relationship.