brought myself new grief

[privategal]

Its been 2 months since breakup and one month NC.

Ive experienced some strong days.

Recently I went back home to visit and wondered how I would do in the city with so many memories we shared for years.

I didn't cry, instead I felt more numb, not quite indifferent, actually there may have been one or two teardrops but a vast improvement.

I felt it was a win that I did not contact him to meet while I was home.

Ive no idea how that invitation would have been received but I didn't reach out, Ive stayed strict NC.

Until today...really set myself back.

 

We do have mutual friends but I don't interact with them much almost not at all but they can see my FB posts. My Xeap was never on FB but I did post on FB that I would be coming home to visit and I wondered after the trip if he did get wind of it. Not that it matters.

Anyways, Something made me look at his youtube this morning.

I don't know why I did. Im closer to healing than I've ever been maybe

 

He downloaded a song It was Seven Nation Army was the title. It was downloaded the very day I was in town. The lyrics were hateful it seemed and showed me his mindset. It brought me ten steps back in healing. My own fault.

Why did I hurt myself to look at that? I don't know. I was doing well.

I feel a wrath of hatred from him almost by reading those lyrics.

My mind had origionally calmed itself by thinking maybe we were both grieving the loss of the friendship.

 

I am exhausted. 2 months of this. I sure hope the healing keeps coming.

I just asked God to take away these days when my mind is so consumed.

If its gotta be over you wonder why the mind is so cruel to hold on so long and analyze to death a hopeless situation.

 

I haven't posted in awhile, Im in need of a little encouragement and insight if you have any.

Edited March 17, 2015 by privategal

[Ronnie33]

Its been 2 months since breakup and one month NC.

Ive experienced some strong days.

Recently I went back home to visit and wondered how I would do in the city with so many memories we shared for years.

I didn't cry, instead I felt more numb, not quite indifferent, actually there may have been one or two teardrops but a vast improvement.

I felt it was a win that I did not contact him to meet while I was home.

Ive no idea how that invitation would have been received but I didn't reach out, Ive stayed strict NC.

Until today...really set myself back.

 

We do have mutual friends but I don't interact with them much almost not at all but they can see my FB posts. My Xeap was never on FB but I did post on FB that I would be coming home to visit and I wondered after the trip if he did get wind of it. Not that it matters.

Anyways, Something made me look at his youtube this morning.

I don't know why I did. Im closer to healing than I've ever been maybe

 

He downloaded a song It was Seven Nation Army was the title. It was downloaded the very day I was in town. The lyrics were hateful it seemed and showed me his mindset. It brought me ten steps back in healing. My own fault.

Why did I hurt myself to look at that? I don't know. I was doing well.

I feel a wrath of hatred from him almost by reading those lyrics.

My mind had origionally calmed itself by thinking maybe we were both grieving the loss of the friendship.

 

I am exhausted. 2 months of this. I sure hope the healing keeps coming.

I just asked God to take away these days when my mind is so consumed.

If its gotta be over you wonder why the mind is so cruel to hold on so long and analyze to death a hopeless situation.

 

I haven't posted in awhile, Im in need of a little encouragement and insight if you have any.

 

Why do you think the song was about you?

[privategal]

Why do you think the song was about you?

 

I just feel its likely now in hindsight that he maybe did hear through the grapevine that I would be in town as he downloaded that song the very day I was in and I never looked at his acct there before but he had not used it in 6 months before that so its pretty coincidental.

The song lyrics were "go back home" amongst other key things the lyrics said like "leave it alone" etc etc. A very bitter song.

[Ronnie33]

I just feel its likely now in hindsight that he maybe did hear through the grapevine that I would be in town as he downloaded that song the very day I was in and I never looked at his acct there before but he had not used it in 6 months before that so its pretty coincidental.

The song lyrics were "go back home" amongst other key things the lyrics said like "leave it alone" etc etc. A very

 

Ugh what a jerk. I am so sorry.

[Cali408]

Privategal, this is why I am, so cold toward my no contact. And I was in her hometown for a week! Because there is always temptation there. You put out breadcrumbs on social media letting everyone knowing you'll be home.

 

Ask yourself and give an honest answer...even though you know he's not on Facebook, did you put it out there knowing/hoping he'd get wind? So what you did, in his mind, was taunt him. "I'm home, but if the phone ain't a ringing, it's because I ain't been a calling..'

 

The youtube was his reply. You challenged his ego and there is nothing more sensitive than the male ego.

 

Sign up for youtube and comment the feeling is mutual and to fry ice. Nah, don't do that. Just move on.

[privategal]

Privategal, this is why I am, so cold toward my no contact. And I was in her hometown for a week! Because there is always temptation there. You put out breadcrumbs on social media letting everyone knowing you'll be home.

 

Ask yourself and give an honest answer...even though you know he's not on Facebook, did you put it out there knowing/hoping he'd get wind? So what you did, in his mind, was taunt him. "I'm home, but if the phone ain't a ringing, it's because I ain't been a calling..'

 

The youtube was his reply. You challenged his ego and there is nothing more sensitive than the male ego.

 

Sign up for youtube and comment the feeling is mutual and to fry ice. Nah, don't do that. Just move on.

 

 

Its fair for you to think I posted on FB so he would get wind but in this case it is not so. I haven't been home in half a year so it was a broad bulletin to all my friends, this is when I will be visiting.

Also worth noting when he first broke up the friendship I sent an angry email and said when I come home for a visit, and if you catch wind of the visit, please know I WONT/CANT see you. So it doesn't matter if he heard, he knew already it wasn't a plan to see eachother.

I did not reach out to the shared friends, but to all friends. And he would never DREAM I would check his you tube in a million years so it wasn't that he posted for me its pretty coincidental he hadn't used the account in months then on the day I am home an angry hateful song.

 

 

I am an effing moron for checking his youtube I never had before, I wish I didn't see that. it blows.

[Hope Shimmers]

Maybe it was a coincidence. If he had no way of knowing you would check his YouTube, it could have been a coincidence.

 

You are not very far into it, but you have done fantastic. I wish I had a magic potion for making this easier on everyone, because I know how terrible it was for me. Time is the only thing that helps, and staying away from any contact. Don't beat yourself up for checking his YouTube - just remember how it feels and learn from it. You will get there. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Quiet Storm]

It might not have been about you. Is he into sports? We sing this song at Ravens and Orioles games when the defense does something good. It has a good beat. They always sing it at Penn State games, too.

[Josmatjes]

I think he was angry you were there and didn't contact him. He was trying to hurt you because he was hurt. Stay strong and don't look too deeply into this! You are doing great!

[GoldieLox]

Try to change your thinking on this a little bit. You will never know for certain it was about you. I agree the timing is a bit odd, but logically, there's a possibility it wasn't, you will never know 100% for sure. If I read into every little thing my xMM did at work everyday and applied it to our situation, I would've jumped off a ledge by now. Believe me, I did that for a while and it was so unhealthy.

[privategal]

Try to change your thinking on this a little bit. You will never know for certain it was about you. I agree the timing is a bit odd, but logically, there's a possibility it wasn't, you will never know 100% for sure. If I read into every little thing my xMM did at work everyday and applied it to our situation, I would've jumped off a ledge by now. Believe me, I did that for a while and it was so unhealthy.

 

 

Your advice and the others is so comforting. To be a woman with emotions while you feel the male is so buttoned up and so easily moves forward at times is humiliating. I am making great strides, the old desperate me would have assumed if I called he would come running to meet me when I was home and I didn't call, and I have slowly backed away from the obsessive thoughts. I may have tested the waters listening to regular radio this week as a temperature check to my emotions and healing, I haven't done so in 2 months, so maybe I stirred myself up to think of things more.

I think a communication of a positive manner, some sort of "no hard feelings" type of message would help me, a breadcrumb oddly enough because I actually think its the cold feeling and hatred that keeps me from moving even deeper into healing. It ended SO ugly.

But I SO appreciate all of you guys input, its been horrible to understand whats happened here. still going forward, will N-O-T contact on my life my last shreds of dignity will remain intact.

[obtuseedge]

Your advice and the others is so comforting. To be a woman with emotions while you feel the male is so buttoned up and so easily moves forward at times is humiliating. I am making great strides, the old desperate me would have assumed if I called he would come running to meet me when I was home and I didn't call, and I have slowly backed away from the obsessive thoughts. I may have tested the waters listening to regular radio this week as a temperature check to my emotions and healing, I haven't done so in 2 months, so maybe I stirred myself up to think of things more.

I think a communication of a positive manner, some sort of "no hard feelings" type of message would help me, a breadcrumb oddly enough because I actually think its the cold feeling and hatred that keeps me from moving even deeper into healing. It ended SO ugly.

But I SO appreciate all of you guys input, its been horrible to understand whats happened here. still going forward, will N-O-T contact on my life my last shreds of dignity will remain intact.

 

I am trying to learn from your example regarding moving on from my xAP.

 

I would recommend not checking his youtube channel.

 

My xAP has a twitter feed, and I made the mistake of checking it today. It had several quotes about people not able to move on to realize their true potential, and also about how people do not take control of their lives, and then about weakness. (no doubt they were about me because this is essentially her viewpoint of me not leaving my wife)

 

I frankly just got irritated and what longing thoughts I had for her today simply turned to irritation.

 

I think if anything, this should probably make you think about their negative traits and help you move on.

[privategal]

I am trying to learn from your example regarding moving on from my xAP.

 

I would recommend not checking his youtube channel.

 

My xAP has a twitter feed, and I made the mistake of checking it today. It had several quotes about people not able to move on to realize their true potential, and also about how people do not take control of their lives, and then about weakness. (no doubt they were about me because this is essentially her viewpoint of me not leaving my wife)

 

I frankly just got irritated and what longing thoughts I had for her today simply turned to irritation.

 

I think if anything, this should probably make you think about their negative traits and help you move on.

 

Yes,

The online "stalking" thing is not my style. I honestly believe Ive been feeling so much better and stronger that it was blind curiosity, like it wouldn't affect me or there would be nothing to see. That stupid youtube channel I never even knew existed, it was just senseless Ive been down all damn day. Just wish things had ended a little better Id have been able to be so much further along.

I have to think the most immature thoughts to get me through like, Im in a new city with the world at my fingertips while he's stuck in the same job he hated in the city with all the reminders and two screaming kids and a homelife that didnt seem to make him happy nor fulfilled.

 

Its sad I have to stoop to petty thinking to get me out of the hellish wallowing and pain. I just know after nearly 2 decades its gonna take more than 2 months but if Ive come this far, there's no turning back now.

His ego wont suffer for a looonngg time because I fed SO full but someday he will miss a GREAT friend that I was. And I won't be around this time to make up. The pain Im living through is enough to wake me up. He isn't as nice as I gave him credit for.

If that song was about me, it just shows his hatred. Thats a whole other kind of hell hes living in.

[privategal]

Ps. Obtused, shes obviously thinking of you if shes taking passive agressive shots.

Delete twitter all together. I deleted YouTube now.

Its only gonna stir up emotions that keep us bonded.

Even hate bonds you so don't feed your mind with her thoughts on Twitter.

It takes courage to leave...but it also takes courage to stay.

You got this.

[gettingstronger]

Did I miss it- how would he know you would check his YouTube account?

[privategal]

He wouldn't have any way of knowing or would ever dream I would check it so I wasn't assuming he posted it FOR me but rather that it gave me insight into his mindset ABOUT me. What he was thinking and feeling on the day I was home.

[WakingUp]

I think its quite possible you are reading far too much into it.

 

 

I love that song. I like playing it loud and trying to sing along... however the only words I really know are the loud ones... a seven nation army couldn't hold me back... the rest of it I just kind of go blah de dah de blah. Loudly.

 

 

Just liking a song and sharing it doesn't mean anything. Its not about you. Even if it is, maybe he interprets the words quite differently. Or doesn't even know them, like me.

 

 

Stop doing this to yourself. You are looking for more pain when you should be looking for healing.

 

 

Let it go. Breathe deeply, let it go.

[privategal]

Thank you...I had many many good days in a row...that visit must have stirred me as my hearts been aching so bad. The sharp deep pain and the initial shock is almost more bearable than the deep dull ache that lingers on and on.

Theres this bit of hope Im working REAL hard to break. At this time last year we had our first phonecall after 4 months hiatus. It was a beautiful call where he was sincerely apologizing to try and save/reconcile the friendship.

I feel like we had it in us to survive as friends though many xap cant, I do think we could have and Ive been horrified and shocked how sudden and cold he became and how quickly we have now become strangers.

I still don't want this estrangement I dont think.

[Cali408]

Unfortunately, as long as you have hope, you're going to torture yourself. Please accept that it is over so you can move on. Take control of your destiny and life, not him and the hope you can reconcile.

 

Remember, most relationships in the world end. Whether by circumstances or estrangement. It doesn't matter how it ends when it's over, it just needs to end.

 

Estrangement is better because you can accept that you don't get along, whereas two lovers caught in a d-day still love each other and is MUCH harder to get through.

 

I'm glad your days are getting better.

[privategal]

Unfortunately, as long as you have hope, you're going to torture yourself. Please accept that it is over so you can move on. Take control of your destiny and life, not him and the hope you can reconcile.

 

Remember, most relationships in the world end. Whether by circumstances or estrangement. It doesn't matter how it ends when it's over, it just needs to end.

 

Estrangement is better because you can accept that you don't get along, whereas two lovers caught in a d-day still love each other and is MUCH harder to get through.

 

I'm glad your days are getting better.

Ya, I mean I have no choice. I've been following your style of advice and been not consciously trying to think of him or dwell.

It helps *most* of the time.

I do expect to find total healing but Im coming up on 6 weeks NC and and gauging it will likely be a year until I feel really together.

I knew it would be a long road. Im prepared to keep walking forward w/o our friendship.

I accept its done. Can't shut off all feeling like a switch but Im making good progress I think.

Just venting it hurts is all.

[Cali408]

Ya, I mean I have no choice. I've been following your style of advice and been not consciously trying to think of him or dwell.

It helps *most* of the time.

I do expect to find total healing but Im coming up on 6 weeks NC and and gauging it will likely be a year until I feel really together.

I knew it would be a long road. Im prepared to keep walking forward w/o our friendship.

I accept its done. Can't shut off all feeling like a switch but Im making good progress I think.

Just venting it hurts is all.

 

I think you're doing great! You'll have those days. I do.