nikki76 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 The same thing happened to me. I told a good friend and a few months later, she flat out told me she told her husband. Needless to say, I dont talk to her much these days. Its one thing, for your friends to disagree and judge you, as anyone should. But to go ahead and tell their spouses is not right. thats something that should be kept between you and your friends. You knew them way before you knew your husband. I think you should tell them you are hurt. I'm sure many will disagree. But, Ive been there and its against girlfriend code, in my book. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 How do your friends feel about affairs? If they are something they are strongly against, then they may have needed to talk about their feelings about hearing of your with their respective husbands. If they have a more laissez faire atitude about infidelity, then I don't know what to say, other than to say that if they are going to shut you out, then it's best to make new friends? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 How do your friends feel about affairs? If they are something they are strongly against, then they may have needed to talk about their feelings about hearing of your with their respective husbands. If they have a more laissez faire atitude about infidelity, then I don't know what to say, other than to say that if they are going to shut you out, then it's best to make new friends? I'm not sure how they feel. I think they understand that things were really bad for awhile with my marriage. I think they were shocked because I've never cheated on anyone ever and I was always so against it. So I was just as confused as them. I'm still confused. I mean maybe they did need to discuss it because they needed to talk about it with someone, their husband. I am just hurt because it's like living with a Scarlett letter! It's amazing that you can do everything right your whole life and one bad choice and everyone judges you for that:( 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 What does that even mean? The truth is out. It's been almost a year and I know what I did was crappy, I get it! I really do. I'm a good person. I'm judging myself more an anyone else ever could, trust me.You're angry because a secret that you confided to close friends was divulged to their husbands. So, in effect, the truth is not out. I'm suggesting that until your secret no longer has the power to influence your emotions, you will continue to suffer. It will no longer influence your emotions when it ceases to operate under any agency of deception. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Josmates, I don't think it's reasonable to expect that someone in a strong partnership won't share everything with their SO. That SO is their primary confidante, their sounding board. IMO, you should work under the assumption that sharing with one partner is by default sharing with the couple. I don't think they've betrayed you per se; they've just done something that loving couples routinely do... But it didn't match your expectations. No malice intended I would think. As for secrets... I like the way The Pierces put it. 'Two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.' 7 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Josmates, I don't think it's reasonable to expect that someone in a strong partnership won't share everything with their SO. That SO is their primary confidante, their sounding board. IMO, you should work under the assumption that sharing with one partner is by default sharing with the couple. I don't think they've betrayed you per se; they've just done something that loving couples routinely do... But it didn't match your expectations. No malice intended I would think. As for secrets... I like the way The Pierces put it. 'Two can keep a secret, when one of them is dead.'Ha. Not to jack the thread, but I actually went to school with Catherine Pierce. Hawt. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 should never have told them in the first place. I agree that their loyalty lies with their spouse and NOT with you, regardless how long you all have been friends. that being said, you are hurt and shocked that they betrayed you after being such long-time friends, when you did the exact same thing to your husband- and supposed BEST friend -when you cheated in him. how can you be so surprised at what people are capable, in regards to trust. if you have such ill feelings toward them now, it might be time to cut them loose. just remember that your husband could've cut you loose for your betrayal as well. you might say this is a test to see if you're as forgiving of your friends' failures as your husband was/is of yours. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I think you may be right. I feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter. I'm trying to forgive myself and heal and every time I feel I'm making headway, I go back two steps. I just don't know how to get rid of the guilt and forgive myself... You can stop with being so dramatic. You had an affair. You're not the first, you certainly won't be the last. Props for telling your husband. Unfortunately, everyone in your life won't be so open minded. Did you ever think that your GF's told their husbands because they want them to know that you just may be open to an affair with them? Not saying you are, just many years of dealing with females. You need to get over it. Either accept their faux pas, or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I had 2 girl friends confide big secrets in me a number of years ago... One was cheating on her H and the other told me that her H hit her. I did not tell my H about the friends A and never felt compelled to. She is my friend and needed support, and I don't think her business needed to be shared with my H. That said, my H doesn't interact with either of them. The other secret however I did tell my H because I was not sure what to do and I was concerned that she was in physical danger. We lived 1,000s of miles apart so I felt helpless and worried about her safety. So I understand how you're upset with friends of that tenure sharing with their Hs, but if you all share a social circle, it may have felt wrong for them to NOT tell their H. Give it time, focus on your R, and I think your friendships will rebuild as well. The guys may just feel awkward to reach out to your H right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 should never have told them in the first place. I agree that their loyalty lies with their spouse and NOT with you, regardless how long you all have been friends. that being said, you are hurt and shocked that they betrayed you after being such long-time friends, when you did the exact same thing to your husband- and supposed BEST friend -when you cheated in him. how can you be so surprised at what people are capable, in regards to trust. if you have such ill feelings toward them now, it might be time to cut them loose. just remember that your husband could've cut you loose for your betrayal as well. you might say this is a test to see if you're as forgiving of your friends' failures as your husband was/is of yours. Your right. He forgave me.... I'm sure they didn't do it to be malicious... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 You can stop with being so dramatic. You had an affair. You're not the first, you certainly won't be the last. Props for telling your husband. Unfortunately, everyone in your life won't be so open minded. Did you ever think that your GF's told their husbands because they want them to know that you just may be open to an affair with them? Not saying you are, just many years of dealing with females. You need to get over it. Either accept their faux pas, or move on. Ok I'm not being dramatic. I'm here for opinions not criticism... Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Ok I'm not being dramatic. I'm here for opinions not criticism... Not criticizing. Just realize everyone doesn't feel the same way you do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I would agree with Lurkeraspect. I think you are overreacting. If your husband knows, then you don't have to worry about him finding out from others. You revealed a very emotionally charged secret to your friends. You even said that you were against having an A, just like they were, until you did. Why would you expect them to feel any differently than they ever did? I would not personally reveal anything like that to a married friend without accepting that it would be revealed to the married friend's spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I think it's unbelievably insulting to bring them in in your secret and assume that they are willing to keep your secret. Any friend who did this to me wouldn't be a friend at all. I don't claim any friend who would expect me to come inboard with betraying and keeping a secret of that magnitude. I'll bet they seemed cold. They obviously figured out that they had invested in a friendship that required more of them than they were willing to give! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 If you confront them they will be defensive, group together maybe to support eachother in justifying their decision to talk to their husbands. I would back away. Quietly. Its a gray area on whether to tell but most friendship dont support spilling your friends secrets and its hurtful they betrayed that trust. It will be hurtful to move on from them but it may be healthier for you. It seems kinda icky they even had to bring up the past affair on a lighthearted girls weekend. They will always do this. Id rather start fresh with no friends then to deal with them. The only thing is...dont make a big deal just slip away because a nasty blowout is gonna haunt you and hurt worse. Just "be busy"...A LOT and just know they will always be stuck in their small lives exchanging gossip but you dont define yourself by your past. Its a new chapter. A new day! Shake it off. Volunteer, switch churches or gyms and slowly build a new social circle, its ok. And it leaves more time to have date nights and less girl drama! Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 This "girl code"'is a bunch of crap. Your friends took vows to their husbands,'and their loyalty is to them . You were having a deceitful relationship with a man other than your husband and had no business getting them involved in that . And if you had kept your little "secret "'to yourself no one would know anything. If your friends husbands had found out in some other way that their wives knew about this and we're still going out with you to "girls nights" , they would not have been happy campers. So why do you think your friends should be dishonest with their spouses to hide your dirty laundry. This "girl code" code name for hiding things from your spouse is nonsense. If you husband was banging someone and his friends knew I suppose you would be pleased that they were such good friends and that they did not tell anyone because of "guy code". Your friends respected their husbands. You seem to be more concerned about your social life than about accepting that you should not be sharing your tawdry secrets. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
SleekArchitecture Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I think some are being way too hard on this subject and poster. There certainly are people out there who honor codes and friendships to a full military type extent and style, but those are few and far in between. We all learn at a certain point in life, keeping certain things to ourselves is probably the better idea. Even good husbands can go wonky throughout a divorce and spill private and trusted thoughts to others for revenge. Being extremely private is the safest of all bets. Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 This is why I have told and will never tell anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I see both sides on this- is there a saying two rights make a wrong? I can see you wanting/expecting them not to tell anyone and not judging you-but I can also see the info changing their view on you and them feeling the need to tell their husbands- I guess it comes down to will the friendship survive- will you be able to understand their side of it and will they be able to see yours- time will tell- long time friends are like family and I have a feeling it will uncomfortable for a while but then become a non-issue- If you decide to talk to them about it, do it calmly and really listen to their side of it-you may find that their friendship is something that was wonderful but at this time does not work for you- Good luck-its not a great feeling to know people are judging you but you can work through it- Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 If you want to lose friends over this , its all about you , i dont think they did anything wrong ,they are right not to keep secrets from there partners .Codes are complete bs , sound like things teenagers use to keep there friends quiet about there wrongdoing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 You can stop with being so dramatic. You had an affair. You're not the first, you certainly won't be the last. Props for telling your husband. Unfortunately, everyone in your life won't be so open minded. Did you ever think that your GF's told their husbands because they want them to know that you just may be open to an affair with them? Not saying you are, just many years of dealing with females. You need to get over it. Either accept their faux pas, or move on. It's unkind of you to tell her to stop being dramatic. The scarlet letter feeling is real. It's a difficult part of infidelity that has to be worked through like the rest of the stigma that goes along with it. By calling her dramatic and telling her to get over it, you are dismissing her feelings. That's unfair of you and certainly not helpful. Jos, I get how you feel. You can't undo the affair or the fact that they told their partners. It's upsetting to face them, but you are putting the Scarlet Letter on yourself. I've had many talks with my counselor regarding the same feelings. All you can do is face them with your head held high. If they judge, they judge. You keep moving forward with your healing. Just tell your friends you were hurt to learn they shared your life's problems with their spouses and leave it at that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 How did they react, what did they say when you were cheating? What was their reaction when you told them you wanted to reconcile your marriage? Do you know if they told their husbands before or after you stopped your faithlessness? You say you have knowledge of their poor choices. Did their choices involve infidelity? What you did has consequences far beyond hurting your husband and family and you're living them now. Thirty year friendships are hard to come by, my wife and I know that firsthand. We had a friendship with a couple who had daughters in school with our two children. We socialized weekly, went on vacations together and celebrated each New Year's eve as a tradition for thirty years. About a dozen years ago the husband's eldest daughter found out her father was unfaithful by happening upon one of his emails to his girlfriend. She told my daughter who told my wife who then told me. We'll be married 42 years next month and share everything but our toothbrushes. The wife eventually told my wife who didn't let on she knew because she didn't want to betray our respective daughters' confidences. Since that time our interactions have been less and less frequent and more and more strained until, this past year we, both couples, decided that after thirty years New Years was no longer enjoyable. Of course, what wasn't enjoyable was the gorilla in the room no one was acknowledging. I always wanted to clear the air and try to restore what we had but my wife didn't want her friend to know I knew. I still think that was a mistake and regret losing friends of over thirty years. You are angry they told their husbands. Be angry that what you did jeopardized more than your marriage and family. If you are truly remorseful then extend that feeling to your friends and open up. You haven't said if your husband had relationships with the people you talked about but part of the healing you should take ownership of has to extend beyond just "forgiving" yourself. Don't know if this is helpful but if it isn't ignore it. Good luck, Twosadthings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I disagree totally with what Jellybean said. If they are your true friends it is woman code that you don't tell. I know everything about my Bestfriends and would never tell my husband anything I thought they wouldn't want him to know. It's not his business it's their business. My husband was married to me, not my friends. Maybe you are one to keep secrets but some of us don't keep secrets from our spouses. My DH is my best friend and I tell him everything. My loyalties are first and foremost to my DH not my friends. I think it's a little self righteous of the poster to be mad because her friends shared this with their spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
stillmind Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 I would have told my husband too. I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing such a heavy and potentially damaging secret and not telling him. To be honest I wouldn't want to know something like that at ALL, expecting someone to keep a secret like that places an unfair moral burden on them. I understand why you're upset but you pretty much have to assume that unless your secret involves birthday gifts or minor embarrassments your friends are going to tell their husbands. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Maybe you are one to keep secrets but some of us don't keep secrets from our spouses. My DH is my best friend and I tell him everything. My loyalties are first and foremost to my DH not my friends. I think it's a little self righteous of the poster to be mad because her friends shared this with their spouse. My friends of 30+ years told their H's or SO. I never asked them not to share my life trials. I'm not mad that they did either. They supported me through the darkest days of my life listening to me and trying to help me work through it. It only makes sense they would need to talk about it too. It is what it is. I never once felt unloved or unsupported by any of them. No one has made me feel like a bad person. In fact, they look to us as a couple that is willing to work through our issues and fight for our love and family. So many couples experience infidelity, but no one talks about it. I never wanted to be the token affair recovery couple, but we are and I'll take it. It's better than being another fatal statistic of divorce. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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