PaintsandFlowers Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 (edited) Hi! I met a girl through an OLD site over a year ago. We exchanged phone numbers the day after we met online and began Skyping a month or so after (we live in different states). Our first Skype date was over 7 hours and we talked through text, apps, or Skype every day since we met. I have never had a connection like I have with her. We agreed about two months after we met online that we both really liked each other and wanted to get to know each other more exclusively. About 5 months after, I asked her to be my girlfriend but she said that she wasn't ready for a relationship but would let me know when she was because I was the only one that she could see herself with and it would be impossible for her not to date me. I asked her if she wanted to meet up about 8 or 9 months into us knowing each other and she smiled but did not say yes or no. We have been pretty consistently talking at least every day and Skype for at least 5 hours every other weekend. We went a week without talking about 3 weeks ago because she ignored my messages. She later stated that she was having a really tough time emotionally (depression) and didn't know how to express herself to let me know that. I started not initiating contact at all the week after this one because I felt as if she was pulling back but when she noticed that she started texting me and writing me on social media. Also over the past 2 weekends we have not spoken because she will not message me back but during the weekday will apologize that she had a busy weekend at work and slept, which I believe. I I am moving closer to her soon for a job and she is really excited about me being closer to her but has not brought up us meeting or officially being a couple. She says that she loves me and that I am her favorite person. We support each other so well because we have been through similar life paths. We do a lot of flirting, make each other blush a lot and have a few sexual conversations but she is not into phone sex/sexting. We are both constantly talking about how we must have known each other in a past life because we fit so well together. She has brought up us getting married and having kids and we have briefly mentioned living together. She just got a new job so she will text me before or after she goes to work and we try to Skype during the week days now too in addition to talking/video messaging through the day. We also text good morning every morning/ every other morning. Most of the times we are both equally initiating contact and the only time I felt like I was doing more was the time when she was going through her personal issues. She and I have both talked about things to each other that we have never told anyone else and can trust each other deeply. I really love her and want to be in a relationship with her but do not want to scare her off since she has self declared commitment issues. I am afraid that I may feel deeper than she does because my friends are saying that if she loved me as much as she said she does that she would want to meet up, and that it doesn't take a year to know if you want to commit to someone. I don't know if I could "just be her friend". Any advice? If you need any more information let me know! Edited March 18, 2015 by PaintsandFlowers Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 My advice to you is slow down. This is not yet real. You have never met her IRL & she is not showing any interest in that happening. She likes the fantasy of the man who flirts with her through the safety of her computer but beyond that she isn't ready for life. I do not see this ending well for you because I do not see ever being able to handle reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Hi d0nnivain. I guess I have been so caught up in our conversations and how she makes me feel that I was not looking at the situation as it is. I have never had anyone tell me that they are not ready for a relationship so I don't really know what the safest way to navigate this is. In the effort to slow down do you think I should contact her less? Talk to other girls? I'm a girl by the way =]. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 The same sex thing may complicate things. If she's not ready to come out to her friends & family, that is why she prefers your relationship to only be OL. I think you need to guard your heart Link to post Share on other sites
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 Maybe, she has had relationships before and has come out to her friends and some family. I don't really think that would be an issue. Especially since I have met her friends and family that she considers important via Skype before. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Your friend seems to have inner conflicts. She said she is going through depression. How is she dealing with it? Is she getting any support? Therapy? How old are you both? As I see it, she alternates times when she pushes you away and times when she wants to feel closer. I think she needs a friend now, more than a girlfriend. While you see her more as a girlfriend at this point than as a friend. You could take a step back, slow down, and just play the fair friend, leaving out the flirting, the blushing, the sexual tension, and so on. If then she's not showing sexual interest in you, you will know you'll have to look somewhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Hi justwhoiam. She struggles with some emotional problems but does not see a therapist, and usually uses me or journaling for help. We are both in our mid twenties, with her being older. Her pulling back and then coming closer is confusing to me. I think that I see so much potential in her but maybe it is best for me to pull back a little bit? She doesn't have much support at all. She always compliments my body and says that I am beautiful, so I definitely think that she is attracted to me. I want to support her and be there for her. I am "waiting for her" and maybe I should just change my perspective? Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 She struggles with some emotional problems but does not see a therapist That would be helpful though, if she did. maybe it is best for me to pull back a little bit? I think so. She always compliments my body and says that I am beautiful, so I definitely think that she is attracted to me I'm not sure about that. Maybe she would like to have a body like yours. maybe I should just change my perspective? If I were you, I would. I'd want to be wanted without pushing it in any way. And something tells me that is not gonna happen with her. For so many reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 I see a therapist and have been for many years due to my own issues. I think it would be helpful for her too, but I can tell that she is not into it so I don't push it. And justwhoiam, that's what really made me want to post this, to see what other people thought. I feel like in the beginning she always wanted to talk to me and not talking to me for two days was forever to her and now she can go days without talking to me or be cryptic about her day? I want it to happen so bad with her but I want to be wanted because I am smart and thoughtful. I don't want to convince her to love me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 I do think that if I wanted to be with someone, no matter how slow I needed it to be I would tell them. This being in limbo with her is exhausting sometimes because I feel SO good when we talk or Skype and then I feel like poop when she just ignores me or doesn't text me. My friend thinks that she is getting too comfortable with me treating her so well and she is scared of having a good relationship in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 I want to be wanted because I am smart and thoughtful. I don't want to convince her to love me. You nailed it. My friend thinks that she is getting too comfortable with me treating her so well and she is scared of having a good relationship in her life. I say that's BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Thank you everyone for your feedback. I stepped back and didn't text her first, so we haven't spoken in a week. Today she texts me saying that she hasn't spoken to me in so long and apologized. I don't really know what to say. Part of me was happy that she finally messaged me but it took her a week to wonder about me. I suspect that she is having difficulties again but I really want to let her know that I can't continue to do this, limbo state where she says she love me but doesn't talk to me. Ugh. Link to post Share on other sites
justwhoiam Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 You now know where you stand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Thank you. Yeah, I do. I guess I'll text her back and keep my communication friendly. This last week was really hard for me and I can't set myself up like this again. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I think this is a colossal waste of time and emotional energy that could be put to better use elsewhere in your life. Something tells me that you aren't ready to face this very likely possibility. It is all based on fantasy and idealism. Pretty much everything that you said follows the exact same pattern when someone else writes about falling for someone online. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted March 27, 2015 Author Share Posted March 27, 2015 Hi OnlyHonesty. After talking about it with my therapist and friends as well as doing journaling I really have thought about all of the possibilities. And when I read back over my post and think about my situation, I have definitely made some mistakes and listened to her words, things that I won't do next time around. I do agree that this is taking a lot of energy up in my life and with me moving soon I want to be available to take advantage of all of my opportunities. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Hi OnlyHonesty. After talking about it with my therapist and friends as well as doing journaling I really have thought about all of the possibilities. And when I read back over my post and think about my situation, I have definitely made some mistakes and listened to her words, things that I won't do next time around. I do agree that this is taking a lot of energy up in my life and with me moving soon I want to be available to take advantage of all of my opportunities. Good for you, OP. She is playing with your heart, whether she means to or not. I have to wonder if she's not exactly single. Remember that you don't really know her very well if you've never met her in real life. People can say anything they want when they think there's little to no risk of discovery. In any case, you know that your levels of interest just aren't the same. She doesn't seem keen to meet you and that should be all you need to know to help you move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PaintsandFlowers Posted March 29, 2015 Author Share Posted March 29, 2015 Hi ExpatInItaly. I think she is too, and like you said I'm not sure if she means to play with my heart. I haven't had any real prior relationship experience just a one or two month fling. I honestly have wondered that lately. Especially with her being so hot and cold with her actions, not wanting to meet but her constantly saying that she loved me and I was her soulmate. I am trying to move on and try to prevent this from happening again. I want to be her friend because I really treasure her and see so much in her. I just need to figure out how to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
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