Dear Self,

[kenmore]

DB, I have decided now that if she changes her mind and decides to talk to me about reconcilliation before the divorce, she will now have to ask me to be with her much like I asked her to be my wife. I won't just go back because she says she's ready to talk. No, she has to actually ask me to come back to her! that will probably never happen, knowing her personality, so I'm not holding my breath.

 

And of course that's all assuming she ever does, and I don't think she will. sure, she will keep on screwing with me, I have gotten an email or text every weekend since I left. Even after her telling me to "lose her number", she contacted me by the next weekend. She tried in the middle of this week, and I ignored. Anyone wish to bet she won't contact me in the next two days? I'll even give you three to one odds.

 

RC11, talk to your friend. She was a DGI, now she's not! It's that fast! She can be your new best friend, and even though it seems shallow, try to imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. How receptive would we be to someone complaining about their ex when we are happy? Or someone who is having problems in their relationship telling us to beware when we think all is well? Now that she is near the same boat, reel her in and become an ally. My guess is you two can have a friendship like you never had before, and it may be wonderful! If not, I'm still here.

 

Ken

[darkbloom]

DB, I have decided now that if she changes her mind and decides to talk to me about reconcilliation before the divorce, she will now have to ask me to be with her much like I asked her to be my wife. I won't just go back because she says she's ready to talk. No, she has to actually ask me to come back to her! that will probably never happen, knowing her personality, so I'm not holding my breath.

 

And of course that's all assuming she ever does, and I don't think she will. sure, she will keep on screwing with me, I have gotten an email or text every weekend since I left. Even after her telling me to "lose her number", she contacted me by the next weekend. She tried in the middle of this week, and I ignored. Anyone wish to bet she won't contact me in the next two days? I'll even give you three to one odds.

 

RC11, talk to your friend. She was a DGI, now she's not! It's that fast! She can be your new best friend, and even though it seems shallow, try to imagine if the shoe were on the other foot. How receptive would we be to someone complaining about their ex when we are happy? Or someone who is having problems in their relationship telling us to beware when we think all is well? Now that she is near the same boat, reel her in and become an ally. My guess is you two can have a friendship like you never had before, and it may be wonderful! If not, I'm still here.

 

Ken

 

 

 

Good for you, I am glad you are keeping your pride intact. I feel like bigger and better things have to be coming for us. I found out that the ex officially moved to Vegas last week. (We work in the same industry and I have already gotten three phone calls about it. YIKES) I would have ended up broken up with him either way now. I am glad that it happened before and that I don't have to hurt about the move. It is a big relief now that I can go about my day and not have to worry about running into him anymore. YAYYYY. All the restaurants and coffee shops are now at my disposal! I am doing a little happy dance.

 

 

I am also giggly because I know him too well. He is going to hate Vegas. He just up and moved without ever visiting it first. That is not somewhere you just move to. His family and the few friends he has all live here. He is already extraordinarily lonely, I cannot imagine how much more so now that he is isolated away from home. I know that I cannot fix him and that I cannot be a part of his life and he cannot be part of mine. The only thing I wish is that he knows how much I supported him and that I ever only wanted the best for him. I think one day down the road he will realize all that he gave up in favor for something so temporary.

 

 

Enough ranting about him from me. Time to focus on what I can control: me and my reactions. This information can only affect me if I choose to let it. I am choosing to not let it affect me. I needed to get it out of my system though. Coping is so strange how the littlest things can influence you.

 

 

AHHHH! We will get through this.

[darkbloom]

Dear Self,

 

 

In the event that we end up in another relationship, I think it's time we make some promises to our future partner and to ourself. To avoid the pitfalls of the previous relationship, we will work on the things below.

 

 

1. I promise to put my phone down. I will not spend the time that I have with you talking to someone else. In fact, I will turn off my phone to avoid the temptation that is there to check when we are together. I will not take for granted that time is the most valuable thing that we can share.

 

 

2. Going along with number 1, I will spend less time posting things on social media. I will try to focus on the moment instead of trying to capture it in a picture. (I also promise to continue my current stand against #wcw and #mcm and expect you to do the same.)

 

 

3. I will not let myself fall back into destructive behavior. I will force myself to eat if I must, but I will not allow the stress and anxiety of our relationship have a negative impact on my health.

 

 

4. I promise to not have meaningful conversations over text. I will not allow my words to be misinterpreted by 143 characters on a screen. I will have these conversations face to face with you.

 

 

5. I will not use silence as a weapon against you.

 

 

6. If your actions do not align with your words, I will walk away.

 

 

7. I will be more grateful for the small things. I will make sure you know how appreciated you are.

 

 

8. I will listen when you speak. Even if I do not agree. I will make an effort to see things from your point of view. I will not listen to respond. I will listen to understand you.

 

 

9. I will not try and fix you.

 

 

10. I will be responsible for my own happiness. I will not rely on you to keep me content. I will keep my happiness as my top priority.

 

 

You are already amazing. Don't let the past mistakes define you.

 

 

Love always,

 

 

db

[BlackbirdSong]

Your list is amazing, however I want to point something out with #9. At the end, my ex told me that she didn't want me to have to change to fit the relationship, nor should she have to force me to. The problem with this is that if she had actually TOLD me at any time what I was doing that bothered her, I would have at least been alerted to what I should work on. If it was something that I was not conscious of and she was able to bring it to my attention, maybe I could have changed it...for the better. Guys are not mind readers. We sometimes don't know what we are doing that annoys you and may not think that the behavior is wrong or annoying at all. Sometimes, we just need a heads up.

 

I wish my ex gave me a heads up.

[darkbloom]

Your list is amazing, however I want to point something out with #9. At the end, my ex told me that she didn't want me to have to change to fit the relationship, nor should she have to force me to. The problem with this is that if she had actually TOLD me at any time what I was doing that bothered her, I would have at least been alerted to what I should work on. If it was something that I was not conscious of and she was able to bring it to my attention, maybe I could have changed it...for the better. Guys are not mind readers. We sometimes don't know what we are doing that annoys you and may not think that the behavior is wrong or annoying at all. Sometimes, we just need a heads up.

 

I wish my ex gave me a heads up.

 

 

My ex had a lot of things that bothered me. They were usually things that he did not like about himself and I tried to help him fix those things. He would say how unhappy he was with his job so I would help him look for a new one. He took everything that people said to him negatively. I would try and talk him out of his negative feelings. He said he did not have a lot of confidence so I would go out of my way to try and boost his confidence.

 

 

The problem with all of those things is he started to think that I thought the way that he did. I did not like his job because of the way they treated both me when I was part of the company and the way they treated him. He would interpret my negative impression of the company as a negative impression of him.

 

 

He needed serious therapy for all of his issues. Any attempt I made at helping just made things a thousand times worse. I would then get blamed for the issues.

 

 

He needs to fix himself. I can't be his therapist and his girlfriend.

[minimariah]

such a great and positive thread!

excellent idea.

[darkbloom]

such a great and positive thread!

excellent idea.

 

I figured we do enough beating ourselves up on this website. It might be helpul to celebrate the small acomplishments.

[LYNNLH]

I figured we do enough beating ourselves up on this website. It might be helpul to celebrate the small acomplishments.

 

Thank you for this thread, DB..my turn

 

Dear Self,

 

I am so proud of you. Yes you are struggling but you are taking efforts for yourself..

 

You have taken the final step to close all forms of communications...it the finality..

 

You always have the worry and regret that you were not able to close the final chapter on him because you forgot to block that foreign local number before deleting it. You always have the worry at the back of your mind..but now its done..

 

You didn't expect that call while you were in the shower last night. It was from him. You looked at it..you remembered to BLOCK it before you deleted it..now its done.

 

The final piece of that bridge has been burnt..

 

You gave yourself a big pat on the back. Well done.

 

Time to continue healing..and you are not giving yourself a timeline anymore to do that..take your time, dear..

[darkbloom]

Thank you for this thread, DB..my turn

 

Dear Self,

 

I am so proud of you. Yes you are struggling but you are taking efforts for yourself..

 

You have taken the final step to close all forms of communications...it the finality..

 

You always have the worry and regret that you were not able to close the final chapter on him because you forgot to block that foreign local number before deleting it. You always have the worry at the back of your mind..but now its done..

 

You didn't expect that call while you were in the shower last night. It was from him. You looked at it..you remembered to BLOCK it before you deleted it..now its done.

 

The final piece of that bridge has been burnt..

 

You gave yourself a big pat on the back. Well done.

 

Time to continue healing..and you are not giving yourself a timeline anymore to do that..take your time, dear..

 

Blocking is a huge step! Celebrate it for the gigantic leap that you're taking and that hope you are killing.

 

I deleted his number before I could block it. But I am under no delusion that he will try to reach out. I burned the bridge while he was still standing on it.

 

I really think there should be some sort of chip for every 30 days one goes without contacting them. That is the hardest thing in the world.

[kenmore]

Thanks for your kind gesture. Im glad for this forum because I have the opportunity to be heard and to get things off my mind. People in general tend to forget that is until they are in the same situation. For instance...one of my friends just broke up with her boyfriend and now all a sudden she wants to talk. I didnt ignore her, I was actually very supportive...I wanted to say I told you so but I didnt..I wanted to. I guess its true misery loves company.

 

Sorry, I did not see this when you posted. You should reach out to your friend (sorry if I said this to you in another thread.) As I said, when someone lives it, they suddenly get it.

 

It takes lots of time to get over something of this magnitude. Comfort her, she may be nice back.

 

Ken

[darkbloom]

Dear Self,

 

Thank you for not using a holiday as an excuse to break NC.

 

Xoxoxoxo