Boyfriend goes out too often? Insight

[hellischrome]

Sorry, I don't know if the other section was the right one so I am coping the post here:

 

Partner goes out a bit too much? Perspective

I need a little bit of insight to understand if I am being a good partner and doing the right thing. I know it's silly but I think this stuff is the basics of healthy relations. And sorry if it's long.

 

Background: been living together for a month, although before officially moving in together, I would spend about 5 or 6 nights at his place and we considered it our home.

 

We normally stay in during the week and then go out together in the weekend unless one of us has something special planned - last 3 Fridays he had work parties for example. Went alone the first two as I was too tired, I joined last Friday.

During the week he normally gets home from work at 7.30pm and then goes for a run, so we basically eat, talk, watch something and then sleep.

 

This week he's been home Monday (although I had a very bad headache and went to bed right after dinner), Tuesday he went out for dinner with a supplier, today (Wednesday) he will be out for dinner with another supplier (last week he asked me if it bothered me that he was out two nights in a row, I said no). Next Monday and Tuesday he has work to do interstate and decided to leave on Saturday after lunch (I work until Midday, so we have about 2 hours together) instead of Monday morning, so he can the weekend there, as one of his best friends (whom he hasn't seen since October) lives there with his family. He didn't bother asking me if it was alright with me, didn't bothered asking me if I wanted to go with, but at least apologized for it after I explained why he should have told me.

SO I thought that Thursday and Friday was gonna be couple time, and he comes up today with another colleague's farewell happening tomorrow (Thursday) after work, in a location near their workplace. He said he'd like to go but felt bad leaving me home 3 nights in a row and leaving for the weekend as well. He asked me if I am keen to go tomorrow, otherwise he would decline and stay home with me. He said it in two different texts.

 

My reply is that it takes me 2 hours after work to get there and lately I haven't been feeling well, in addition I was worried I was gonna be the only partner, therefore my answer was if we could decline this time and do something else the two of us.

 

He replied that other 2 partners are gonna be there and that I can take a bus from the city to get there. At which point I replied that he said it was OK if we declined if I didn't want to go, but it didn't seem like that. In my mind, I thought that if really was OK not to go and stay home with me, then he would have just said -Fine, I won't go, no problem-.

 

He replied "I was kidding, ok so I'll decline. Kisses"

 

Now, he is having a very tough time at work. He is a very outgoing person (not like me, eheh) and I know that being out with colleagues is just his environment. I just felt hurt that he clearly prefers to be out tomorrow when nothing was planned than staying in with me, especially since he is leaving Saturday for 4 days.

 

Do you think I am being selfish here? I thought I could tell him that he can go on his own if he wants to, I won't get offended, because after all he said he will decline and won't go, just as I want, so he is ready to put me in front of him. I just wish he said -No worries- since the beginning, without trying to subtly convince me to go. It felt like he said - if you don't want to go, I will stay home - just to be nice and hoping I would let him go.

 

 

 

Ideas?

[PegNosePete]

If he wasn't OK with you declining then he shouldn't have said he didn't mind not going.

 

But you do seem to be getting into a tizzy over a small thing. This is just 1 week that he is busy. If it becomes more of a pattern (ie. every week goes like this) then I would be worried. But if it's just one crazy week and the normal pattern will be restored after, then give him some leeway.

[d0nnivain]

There were times I could go for months having evening work things every night. If you are otherwise secure in the relationship him investing time in his business shouldn't even be a blip on the radar of things to worry about.

[bu2002]

Is it like this every week?

 

I would be a little more understanding of engagements during the week like work dinners, etc. That is just part of the job.

 

So your real concern is the weekends and having enough "couple" time. From the looks of it, he's on the extroverted end while you might be on the introverted end.

 

Your definition of couple time might be different than his definition. When he invites you to a work party, he might consider that couple time, whereas you consider couple time just the two of you going to see a movie.

 

I would figure out in the last 14 weekend evenings (Fri and Sat), how many times have just the two of you hung out. See if there's a pattern and see what you feel might be a workable solution.

[salparadise]

I just wish he said -No worries- since the beginning, without trying to subtly convince me to go. It felt like he said - if you don't want to go, I will stay home - just to be nice and hoping I would let him go.

 

In many businesses socializing is necessary, and it sounds like it is for him. So keep in mind when you're negotiating that the poor guy is caught between two competing obligations... and nobody is even considering what he'd rather be doing. He's trying to keep all the plates spinning and everyone smiling as best he can.

 

Now in the part I copied above, you're apparently upset because there was a negotiation and you're questioning his underlying motives even though you got what you wanted. He is putting you first, so don't make him regret it by making negative assumptions, second guessing and being unhappy. If you turn it into a lose-lose situation it may undermine trust and make the other decision a lot more appealing the next time.

[hellischrome]

I like all of your responses so much! Sometimes people in this forum can be very destructive, but all of these responses are very constructive and helpful!

 

He definitely is on the extrovert side - he likes to go out and drink and party, I like to stay in and watch movies. We always managed to negotiate, for example eventually he admitted he said he wouldn't go hoping that I would understand and let him go anyway. Which is what I did, I told him just go tonight as well and that's it. But he proposed that instead of coming back after the thing (it's a bowling night), at 10 or 11, he will be home at around 9 so we can have dinner together. Now it's only to be seen at what time he comes back for real, especially cause he knows I had a crappy crappy day.

 

Weeks are not normally like this, just recently he has been busy quite a lot. But we normally spend Saturday evening together and Sunday all day together, unlesse on some special occasions he does something else (but normally it's all planned).

 

It just bothers me that we live together and he plans a weekend interstate without telling me!

 

I do appreciate the part regarding NOT being negative, on the other hand his work does not require that kind of committment. He is invited to farewell parties and he doesn't miss any of them because he likes to hang out with his colleagues. I have to say that the last time we went to a party together he's been very attentive and spent good part of the night with me (even came back home with me at 11 because I had to work the day after).

 

Sometimes I just wish he felt the need I feel, which is to have time with him alone. He says that we live together, so if it's not today it's tomorrow.

I don't know, I just wish he was the one saying -nope, I am not going today because I haven't seen you for two nights in a row and I am leaving you alone this weeken-.

 

I know that's a lot to ask for

[PegNosePete]

Why don't you tell him, exactly what you've told us here? It seems to me that this issue is quite easily overcome with some consideration and communication.