should you ever really just give up?

[willduggan]

this woman was really the first love of my life and still is. she dumped me around new years because of our argueing. and then she started dating her ex before me after that.. i got a lot of help from here, self help, counciling, in the mean time. and we got back together about a month ago. well she dumped me again on friday because she felt we were falling into the same arguements again and i felt she was right, but we both didnt know really what to do about it. i wanted desperatly to find the answers, the tools we needed to stop the arguing. but she made it sound like she didnt think counciling would help or that if we needed counciling we were too far gone anyway..im not entirely sure.

 

the part that confuses me isnt that we didnt know the answers, it was more that as we were breaking up.. we both were crying and holding eachother saying how much we loved eachother.. i havent seen or heard from her since friday so i dont know what shes thinking really.. ive sent her a number of emails with ideas from here, ideas from other websites, but i dont think shes had a chance to read them yet due to work... i guess what im asking is.. is there a point you reach where you just quit.. where you give up? i want so bad to reconcile and make it work because i know theres so many good times we have together when it goes well. but im physicly and emotionally exhausted.. im just really tired of working so hard at it and i feel really rejected and defeated because ive been dumped twice now... but like.. theres a little voice saying dont quit, keep looking, keep trying, am i just fooling myself?

[from ND]

well if you think shes the one, then dont quit, I mean has there been cheating????? usually if theres infidelity trust has been broken, I mean are you guys faithful to each other and just argue or what????? I know it hurts brother but hang in there, on something like this what does your heart tell you you should do???there you will find the answer.

[upsetnhurt]

One would have to think that there was less than a 100% commitment on her part during their first relationship as his ex gf was still harboring feelings over her prior ex. That would be the only reason that she went back to her ex the very first time.

Did you get answers as to why she came back to you for a second chance? What happened to the ex again? How did she leave it with him? I bet a lot of the arguing between yourselves comes from a lack of communication. You must be harboring feelings of anger over how she treated you the first time and going back to her ex and I am sure she is not over that guy. Move on and start fresh with someone who deserves you!

[LucreziaBorgia]

she felt we were falling into the same arguments again

 

This is why a lot of second chances don't work. A second chance isn't a continuation of the relationship that ended, its a new relationship built over the ruins of the first one and strengthened with the lessons learned from it. There have to be changes: real, tangible changes - and in order for those to happen, the two of you have to be completely honest about what it was that broke the relationship up - even if it is painful to reveal and to hear. Until you know what those things are - what they really are, you can't make the necessary changes. Sometimes, it becomes apparent the changes that are necessary aren't realistic - or are mental/emotional changes in one's perceptions that just can't be changed, and the second chance will end quickly.

 

I guess the question is: why did she come back? If she came back out of genuine need to rebuild a new relationship with you, put the old one behind you, and start over then it could have had a chance. If she came back out of obligation, pity, guilt or nostalgia - it never had a chance. She wanted back a relationship that was already dead. Once a relationship dies, it can't be brought back. A new one can be started, but the old one is behind you. Sometimes people want a new one, sometimes people cling to the corpse of the old one instead.

[willduggan]

there was no cheating during our relationship but while we were apart she was with her ex and honestly.. i think she still harbored feelings for him when we got back together. she would talk about him, compare him to me(in good ways usually) but it still made me feel really awkward and when i couldnt explain why she would get pretty mad at me. she said that he treated her like crap(never spent any time with her, would hit her/sit on her) and that she really missed me a lot. but i think we kind of took off from where we left.. we moved way too fast.. i basicly moved right in with her as soon as we got back together... so.. yeah i think we went way too fast.. well.. if it happens a third time i guess im supposed to put the old ones behind me.. but i dont know if im able.. i mean.. ive been dumped twice now... i feel incredibly defeated and tired... but i love her, i feel like shes the one i was ment to be with... but we both have issues stemming from our families(my father is pretty verbally abusive to my mom, and her dad killed himself when she was young) so we both dont exactly have good rollmodels...*sigh* i guess that il have to try to talk to her about it, see if i cant get her to have atleast some of a conversation with me...