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Did your A have any repercussions in the workplace?


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I've read a lot here about workplace As being an infarction punishable by all kinds of negative outcomes; firing, demotion, etc. I've rarely seen that ever happen. Nor have I worked anywhere that has anything more than a thou shalt not have a relationship with someone in your direct line of supervision/management, or where a conflict of interest may arise on the book of rules.

 

Shenanigans in the actual workplace is of course off limits; but there is nothing that stops people--as long as they do not contravene what I wrote above-- from having any type of relationship with a colleague, including an A.

 

My own experience is xMM and I being called in to see the boss (a long time ago, I think we might still have even been in the EA phase.. and not to see his or my my boss at the time... but the big boss). He basically said that there were rumours we might be having an A, and that he couldn't give a crap whether we were or not and that it was nobody's business what we did as consenting adults anyway. He affirmed his support for us as two of his best performers and asked if we would like him to roll in to remind people that they were there to work and not gossip. We said no thanks, that would just encourage more conjecture.

 

We then made sure we were even more discrete. The rumours were fleeting anyway and died a pretty quick natural death once the water cooler crowd moved onto something more salacious.

 

So you can see why I am so surprised by some of the things I read here. What has been your experience? I'm really curious.

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There were repercussions in the workplace.

 

I had broken up with the MM because I had tired of the relationship and moved on. He hadn't. He continued to pine and pursue. His wife found out. She behaved very unprofessionally and lost her job. Because he would not, or could not, control her, he lost his too. Which meant that her daughter was unable to stay on at university and her son dropped out of school.

 

I moved to another department on a promotion.

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Oh, yeah. Big Sigh.

 

However, I did not get fired. I quit. Well, my husband quit FOR me when he confronted me and I admitted my affair.

 

I neglect to mention that my affair was with my boss, who was the owner of the company. So I pretty much had to leave.

 

And we've essentially made the decision for me to ditch my entire career, one that I've built for 15 years. My business community is tight-knit, everyone knows everyone. Even if I moved, doing what I do would just be an ongoing trigger for both me and H as we try to R.

 

So yep. Fairly significant workplace repercussions.

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Rainbowlove

I lost 7 years of close friendships.

 

My XAP worked in another dept. We were "just friends" and I knew she was unhappy in that dept. I had an opening in my department and hired her. I was able to increase her salary and I felt good about that.

 

We only worked together for two months before I changed employers and moved my work 60 miles away. Our "friendship" continued, of course.

 

As her marriage dissolved, her emotional state deteriorated and ppl in the office talked about her "coming out" and her husband also worked for our employer in a different department. He aired our affair to the entire organization. My wife also was a former employee. Together, we had 20 years invested in this place.

 

So I have since lost all connections there. My wife has mostly lost all connections there as well.

 

The biggest hit was when my former boss and mentor died. I didn't attend her services because my XAP and her stbxh were also in attendance. Choosing not to go to her memorial was painful.

 

But there was no way I was going to bring that drama to her funeral.

 

That was last Sept. To this day, I still struggle with not being a part of that day. She was an important person in my life.

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MM and I worked together for 12 years. The PA didn't start till almost year 10 and completely came out of the blue after working so long together. We spent a lot of time together at work when it started. For the most part, people just thought we were good friends. I think some did suspect but just never said anything. I would try to stop it, but of course we all know the deal. He kept pursuing me and I would give in. After a year and a half, he changed companies. He has been gone for 3 years now. The PA is still ongoing but I feel its run its course and appears to be fizzling out. I was devastated when he left, but I'm relieved that I can move on without him being in my face everyday.

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for my xH - he didn't get fired but he did lost clients + reputation. he & his affair partner also worked together and had close friendship at first, so there were rumours about them having an A even before they actually had one. his boss knew both my xH and me (and he was my xH's good friend) so he did try to give him some advice & talk to him about it BUT it was as a friend - not as a boss. as a boss, i don't think he ever even adressed the rumours or the A at the office, during the work hours.

 

my xH was also "taunted" by his coworkers (after everything came to light), they often had rude and snarky comments about & to him so he eventually left that job due to the uncomfortable environment. eventually, people moved on, forgot about it and calmed down, lol.

 

i personally know only one example when a friend of mine got fired for having an A with her coworker but the company had a very strict non-fraternization policy, so they would've been fired either way.

Edited by minimariah
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Rainbowlove, your story reminds me of a workplace situation I had to deal with once. All the parties worked for the same company, but in different departments.

 

A woman that worked for me came out and told her H she was leaving. She sought support from another lesbian--a single woman that had been out for quite some time--that worked in our building. Her H, an absolute arse IMO, became quite unstable. He threatened all kinds of things such as seeking full custody of the children because a lesbian (with the 'unnatural' lifestyle and all :-/) couldn't possibly be a fit parent. And he also gunned for the support lesbian saying it was all her fault, and that his W had been 'normal' before meeting her. Claimed his W had been seduced and brainwashed and a whole heap of other stuff; loudly, often, and to anyone that would listen. He was sometimes just a whiff away from threatening the woman he perceived as the lesbian OW.

 

Meanwhile, his W actually HAD become too attached to her support person. Crushing massively. Borderline stalkerish actually. The support woman contacted me and asked me to find someone else to help her out as she couldn't continue to be part of that volatile situation. So I did; a gay man. The H and W ended up getting counselling and separating. And things settled down after that.

 

I still vividly remember that woman in my office on a regular basis at that time crying about her life. I can so understand why your xOW became so fixated on you. All that emotion and confusion and tumult... Someone who helps can take on saviour/hero status, and inspire incredibly stong attachment.

 

More of a not-quite-A in the workforce story really!

 

I'm so sorry you lost so many workplace friends due to your A. And missing your mentor's funeral... Heartbreaking :(

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Rainbowlove
Rainbowlove, your story reminds me of a workplace situation I had to deal with once. All the parties worked for the same company, but in different departments.

 

A woman that worked for me came out and told her H she was leaving. She sought support from another lesbian--a single woman that had been out for quite some time--that worked in our building. Her H, an absolute arse IMO, became quite unstable. He threatened all kinds of things such as seeking full custody of the children because a lesbian (with the 'unnatural' lifestyle and all :-/) couldn't possibly be a fit parent. And he also gunned for the support lesbian saying it was all her fault, and that his W had been 'normal' before meeting her. Claimed his W had been seduced and brainwashed and a whole heap of other stuff; loudly, often, and to anyone that would listen. He was sometimes just a whiff away from threatening the woman he perceived as the lesbian OW.

 

Meanwhile, his W actually HAD become too attached to her support person. Crushing massively. Borderline stalkerish actually. The support woman contacted me and asked me to find someone else to help her out as she couldn't continue to be part of that volatile situation. So I did; a gay man. The H and W ended up getting counselling and separating. And things settled down after that.

 

I still vividly remember that woman in my office on a regular basis at that time crying about her life. I can so understand why your xOW became so fixated on you. All that emotion and confusion and tumult... Someone who helps can take on saviour/hero status, and inspire incredibly stong attachment.

 

More of a not-quite-A in the workforce story really!

 

I'm so sorry you lost so many workplace friends due to your A. And missing your mentor's funeral... Heartbreaking :(

 

It was an extremely volatile situation. Add to it XAP's XH was also in the process of coming out.

 

They still work there. Now both out of the closet as lesbian and gay.

 

Crazy to think there are more nutty stories like mine.

 

Everything happens for a reason :)

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Nothing but emotional turmoil for me. At least I won't have to work in the same department as him soon. It's a complicated situation.

 

In hindsight... We were both playing with a loaded gun. We could've gotten caught so many times, and almost did. We would've been fired and lost our careers. I'm just starting out, he's already high up. It would've been a real shame to throw it all away over all of that. I'm so relieved it's over now because it was a dangerous situation and we both acted so inappropriate.

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gettingstronger

Oddly enough, 2 years post dday and the first time the company ever did anon reviews online- 4 of the 40 people that report to my husband scored him low in integrity and noted his affair- he did not realize everyone knew about it since it was an on the road type thing-it hit him hard-

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MM and I worked in different departments when it started, but our departments worked hand in hand on several things so we had to interact on a daily basis. Like I mentioned before we spent a lot of time together. At each other's cubes, breaks, we would take walks around the company campus together. Most people saw it as just a 'friendship' , but toward the end before he moved companies I think there were a few that suspected. When he left, we had a get together for him..things happened that upset me greatly and one of my friends found me crying in the bathroom. I spilled my story to her.. She basically said she figured something was up between us. But she always thought it was just him because he talked about me all the time and was always around me. She figured he was interested but that I saw it just as friends. And of course she thought that because she thought I would never engage in an affair. Thankfully she was a great help to me during that time and never judged or said anything. She is the only one who knows.

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I spilled my story to her.. She basically said she figured something was up between us. But she always thought it was just him because he talked about me all the time and was always around me. She figured he was interested but that I saw it just as friends. And of course she thought that because she thought I would never engage in an affair. Thankfully she was a great help to me during that time and never judged or said anything. She is the only one who knows.

 

 

 

 

So you think no one knows. You confuse the difference between others knowing and being able to prove it in a court or to your BH.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Heinous vulgarity redacted
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the_artist_1970
It was an extremely volatile situation. Add to it XAP's XH was also in the process of coming out.

 

They still work there. Now both out of the closet as lesbian and gay.

Crazy to think there are more nutty stories like mine.

 

Everything happens for a reason :)

 

What the what????:bunny:

 

Now that is Jerry Springer action for sure, but at least they are both living authentic lives now.

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the_artist_1970
Oddly enough, 2 years post dday and the first time the company ever did anon reviews online- 4 of the 40 people that report to my husband scored him low in integrity and noted his affair- he did not realize everyone knew about it since it was an on the road type thing-it hit him hard-

 

Ouch! I would hate for ppl to think that I lacked integrity. My character and integrity are at the top of my list.

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It depends on what sort of organization you work for.

 

my H had a workplace affair and trust me on this....every woman in the building suspected an inappropriate relationship between the two of them I'd would find out later, much later.

 

if married people of the opposite sex hang around too much at work, rumors will start.

 

often, they're true.

 

telling yourself "We are just talking like friends would" is really self-deluding.

 

Many people, especially women, have radar when it comes to relationships, especially inappropriate ones.

 

Corporately? maybe not such a big deal. But if you work for charity, not-for-profit, government, religious or educational institutions, be very, very careful.

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gettingstronger

Old Today, 9:05 AM #13

Blu72

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Join Date: Apr 2014

Posts: 130

Yes I can certainly say no one knows currently besides my friend who I confided in. Does that answer your question?

 

 

Yes, my husband thought the same thing. He thought only one person knew until the anon survey 2 years later where 4 out of 40 that report to him mentioned it. It blew him away. And that's just in his department. Imagine how many people company wide know. It makes me cringe to think about how many people probably know.

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With all do respect, in my situation I am pretty confident no one knows. I have my reasons for knowing this. And we haven't worked together in 3 years anyway. But I understand what you are saying work affairs are very risky for many reasons. And people usually do find out and gossip.

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gettingstronger

This is such an interesting topic as my husband and I have taken an inventory of how this has effected us personally. Until the survey, we never thought beyond us (and the kids of course!) and what its toll was on him professionally. He did get passed over for a promotion- he wonders now if he had focused more on his job while on the road if it would have been different and who in decision making authority knows of his affair and if it effected his chances at the promotion. Anyway, I guess anyone can drive themselves nuts with wondering. It is interesting to me that he thought he was immune to the office gossip since he doesn't participate in it-

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I certainty did. My MM lived 4 hours away and did not work at my company. A co-worker I did not work directly with or know overheard me talking to him one day. Nothing bad just talking about things like work, kids, movies etc. Over a year later, I saw her sitting with an ex-boss who is really good friends with my boss at a party. The next day, I was blackballed. My boss hardly speaks to me, I am no longer privy to office gossip, called honey in meetings, talked down to, told i do a poor job or called stupid in meetings, no longer invited to happy hours and assigned to a micromanaging ******* who threatens to demote or fire me at least once a month. It is awful, based on rumor with no real proof and has been this way for three years. I applied for 24 jobs within the company, gotten a few interviews and declined without feedback.

 

I have another co-worker who had an affair with another co-worker whose wife also works for us who was pregnant with their second child when he left her to marry the other co-worker. The wife has received three promotions and the OW is still popular. She got promoted, still in the in crowd and goes to lots of happy hours. My boss even started dating his wife on the job while she was married so I really don't understand why I've been shunned. Mine was even due to domestic abuse. I don't even wear makeup or even fix up much for work anymore so they know darn well that those rumors may only be that.

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I have another co-worker who had an affair with another co-worker whose wife also works for us who was pregnant with their second child when he left her to marry the other co-worker.

 

so wait, that co-worker actually did leave his wife to be with his OW?

are they still together?

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I've read a lot here about workplace As being an infarction punishable by all kinds of negative outcomes; firing, demotion, etc. I've rarely seen that ever happen. Nor have I worked anywhere that has anything more than a thou shalt not have a relationship with someone in your direct line of supervision/management, or where a conflict of interest may arise on the book of rules.

 

Shenanigans in the actual workplace is of course off limits; but there is nothing that stops people--as long as they do not contravene what I wrote above-- from having any type of relationship with a colleague, including an A.

 

My own experience is xMM and I being called in to see the boss (a long time ago, I think we might still have even been in the EA phase.. and not to see his or my my boss at the time... but the big boss). He basically said that there were rumours we might be having an A, and that he couldn't give a crap whether we were or not and that it was nobody's business what we did as consenting adults anyway. He affirmed his support for us as two of his best performers and asked if we would like him to roll in to remind people that they were there to work and not gossip. We said no thanks, that would just encourage more conjecture.

 

We then made sure we were even more discrete. The rumours were fleeting anyway and died a pretty quick natural death once the water cooler crowd moved onto something more salacious.

 

So you can see why I am so surprised by some of the things I read here. What has been your experience? I'm really curious.

 

Both my WH and OW were sacked from their jobs.

WH company sited WHs behaviour as being "inappropriate to the culture of (said company)". They wouldn't elaborate any further.

I knew and predicted this after OW had threatened to destroy us (meaning me and WH both). Plus sue us and take us "for everything" we had.

 

WHs mother had OW sacked from her only work as a volunteer religious teacher in schools (of 25y) from a specific religion that I'm not of.

 

I stood back and watched the dragons devour each other. Police got involved! What a drama.

 

I only contacted OW ONCE. It was on my D Day. I phoned her before speaking with WH. To think I WAS SUPPORTING HER!! I empathised with her. She planned on being my children's "new mummy" as she so put it to me. Mmmmmm. Still I thanked her for the 3.5 pages of notes I wrote and wished her a speedy recovery.

 

These 2 clowns screamed blue murder on each other and tried to bring me in on the whole sordid A. My workplace gave me as much paid leave as I wished for, transfer anywhere I chose, should I choose now or ever, plus any paid leave I need for counselling to help "deal".

 

Driving our own karma.

 

Lion Heart.

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This is such an interesting topic as my husband and I have taken an inventory of how this has effected us personally. Until the survey, we never thought beyond us (and the kids of course!) and what its toll was on him professionally. He did get passed over for a promotion- he wonders now if he had focused more on his job while on the road if it would have been different and who in decision making authority knows of his affair and if it effected his chances at the promotion. Anyway, I guess anyone can drive themselves nuts with wondering. It is interesting to me that he thought he was immune to the office gossip since he doesn't participate in it-

 

I find it fascinating as well. I've thought of so many workplace stories since I started this thread!

 

In terms of an A affecting promotion/appointment, I remember a guy who was a shoe in for CEO but didn't get it. Not only didn't he get it, but he resigned coincident with someone else being appointed. Turns out he didn't get the job because he had an A with a direct report on his personal staff that was found out. And to compound matters, his AP was also the W of another of his direct reports - one of the department heads. While it was the fact that his AP worked directly for him that was against company policy and technically caused his career demise, it was the latter fact that caused the most scandal, consternation and condemnation. Much, much gossip was had in the aftermath of this all coming to light.

 

And as you point out gettingstronger, gossip is not without deleterious effect. From a social science perspective some types of gossip serve informal regulatory functions. Gossip in this sense is intended to let the group know of a member's failure to meet expected norms; to elicit group condemnation of the perpetrator/s and to have a deterrent effect on other potential aberrants.

 

This case is interesting because technically, this would be CEO's crime on paper was f$&king his assistant. Hardly an unusual or, in the normal scheme of corporate things, a career ending event. However, he hasn't had a prominent job since. Not one. Because the assistant was not only married (which in an of itself probably wouldn't have been noteworthy), but married to a direct report (also a fellow company senior leader).

 

In essence, it was the informal effect of the A that killed his career, because it killed his professional reputation. Something very difficult to recover from.

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so wait, that co-worker actually did leave his wife to be with his OW?

are they still together?

 

I know a guy at work who left his W for his OW co-worker. I actually knew his W as well; our kids all went to the same school, played sport together, etc.

 

I remember running into him at the shops and asking after his W, and him being very uncomfortable, mumbling something about her being fine and then rushing off. His odd behaviour was explained when I next saw his W, and this time asked after the H. She had absolutley no compunction about telling me that her H had been f$&king the OW coworker (hadn't I heard?) and she'd kicked his sorry arse out! It actually makes me smile even now recalling her strident, unapologetic sense of openness and pride in her actions. (Knowing what I know now, I'm sure she was probably in a world of pain at that time; I can retrospectively admire her strength.)

 

The WH moved in with the OW. The OW left the company and supported by the WH went back to law school. Last I heard, they married soon after she graduated. And the BW went on to marry the brother of her WH's boss' boss. Everyone is quite happy by all accounts.

 

So yes mini, it actually really does happen sometimes :-)

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