GoldieLox Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 A selfish one? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 It's interesting to read threads like this because so many people want to say that men don't get emotionally invested in the A but are just in it for sex. In reality, men do apparently get emotionally invested. They just don't tend to come on forums like this and post about it like women do. My ex-MM was different in a way in that it wasn't an affair when we met. He was separated. But he eventually went back to his wife several years in, at which time it became an affair because by then I was sucked in. He was a 'gentleman' on the outside. Very, very intelligent and articulate. Very, very good looking. Very unhappy in his marriage. He needed the emotional relationship elsewhere to stay in his marriage. It wasn't sex, as we had it infrequently (lived 1000 miles apart). If it was sex, he would have found someone local. I found out a few years into it that he had another emotional affair with a long-distance woman in the late 1990s. I found out because she contacted me directly, so I was able to talk to her. He apparently ended it with her and at the time, must have said something that led her to believe that she should wait for him. So she waited for him all that time. She waited for him for almost 10 years, thinking that he would contact her when he was available to be with her. She was single and gave up a decade of her life waiting for him. What he said to me when she appeared out of nowhere was that she made mountains out of molehills and invented things. I know better. I know he told her powerful things to get her to do what she did. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Mine was an ordinary man with an extraordinarily romantic heart. He married at 20 because he got a girl pregnant. Way back in the 1950s that is what you did and you stuck by her not matter what. Some of you would not understand the social mores of that time now. You would have had to live it to know how shameful unwedded pregancy was and how much pressure there was from families to marry whether you loved each other or not. He was reliable, loving, and told me he had never had a romantic love before. He wrote me poems and love letters, bought me flowers and spent every minute with me that he possibly could. I love him still but it was too much pressure for both of us. He is 73 now and I am 67. I think he was a man who didn't "get" being in love until he was older. Poppy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I seem to be the only one who thinks their AP is a selfish cake-eater. He's not unhappy in his marriage (I would guess, it's something we don't actually talk about), but a little extra fun on the side... why not? Link to post Share on other sites
inappfriendly Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Gloria, you are not the only one.In addition to selfish cake-eater, I have a bunch of other choice words for him. Lame, self-indulgent, insolent coward... But at the end of the day (and almost TWO freakin years later), I am the one still giving him headspace, so what in the world does that say about ME?! :/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) I started the thread with the intention of something else entirely, but I was not clear with the question. What type of cheater: The revenge or rebellious child cheater the OP has a domineering mother like wife-husband and finds relief by cheating. The revenge secondary to someone who resents their spouse and does it to get back at spouse for not meeting their sexual or emotional needs. Cheaper to keep her Cheater The OP is in a relationship they want to leave, but he does not want to part with his money. In their mind they are single, and only married on paper. This also falls under, they do not want to lose their money, friends, extended family, lose the lifestyle. Delayed Player Cheater No explanation needed. Playing with Fire Cheater This cheater loves the thrill and gets off on deception. These men will bring women home to sleep in the marital bed, he likes danger and the thought of almost getting caught. The Exit Affair Cheater this cheater cannot not be in a relationship, is set on getting out of the marriage, and finds someone to leave for. Hero Nice Guy Cheater They value being the savior, the damsel in distress. This gives them a feeling of value. Professional Cheater A man with money who enjoys his life at home but sets up a calendar of dates, and uses his money to keep everyone on their place. Financially rewards to keep his lifestyle and secret. Fetish Cheater cheats with cross dressers and participates in a variety of sexual interests. It's only Lust Cheater It feels really intense but at the same time it is the quickest to flame out. Just in the Head the emotional cheater, this rarely leads to a sexual encounter. Edited March 19, 2015 by SleekArchitecture Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 If I have to put MM in one of those categories, the closest is Cheaper to keep her Cheater. But its so much more complicated than that in my situation. I can't get into specifics but even if he really really wanted to leave his marriage he never would for a lot of reasons that go deeper than I can explain. And I get it and don't expect him to (not for me anyway). Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 If I have to put MM in one of those categories, the closest is Cheaper to keep her Cheater. But its so much more complicated than that in my situation. I can't get into specifics but even if he really really wanted to leave his marriage he never would for a lot of reasons that go deeper than I can explain. And I get it and don't expect him to (not for me anyway). Yes, of course there is much more to add under each title, but I was lazy. My ex is a definite Cheaper to Keep Her. These men most often say they are staying for the children. My ex is scared to give up the lifetime friends, extended family disruption and anger, and all the chaos that normally occurs. He makes enough money, a split would be less, but there would still be more than plenty, but certain types do not like to lose control of their finances. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 MM and I don't talk about the marriages. It's just something I don't entertain with him. But I understand the dynamic of his marriage..all I will say is they share a culture together that I am not apart of. So there is a lot of underlying reasons why he would never leave. And I do think he loves her, I just don't think he was ever really 'in love' with her. But that's just my take as an outsider looking in. I'm also not sure how capable he is to fully love someone with all his heart though. He wants to I just think it scares him to death and I don't know why that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 MM and I don't talk about the marriages. It's just something I don't entertain with him. But I understand the dynamic of his marriage..all I will say is they share a culture together that I am not apart of. So there is a lot of underlying reasons why he would never leave. And I do think he loves her, I just don't think he was ever really 'in love' with her. But that's just my take as an outsider looking in. I'm also not sure how capable he is to fully love someone with all his heart though. He wants to I just think it scares him to death and I don't know why that is. Mine too is of a passionate culture, there are so many family and friends all related to the same careers, so invested. He has to have a long term affair, when he moved here, he started up with me immediately, I do not think he unpacked all the moving boxes yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I suspect that's why he pursued me so heavily is because I am the complete opposite of is wife in every way possible. Plus because we are of different cultures. So I'm like an escape from all that or something. Its all a messed up situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 As strange as it sounds, we looked at each other one time, and that was it, immediate couple, with the fun of the interest, the chase. If I was somewhere, I would turn, and bump, he was there. I miss (not the affair aspect) the beginning when it was fresh and I thought he was the one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 I suspect that's why he pursued me so heavily is because I am the complete opposite of is wife in every way possible. Plus because we are of different cultures. So I'm like an escape from all that or something. Its all a messed up situation. It could be, opposites attract, have you spoke with him about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I hate putting people and relationships in categorical boxes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 I hate putting people and relationships in categorical boxes. I do not see this as putting anyone in a box since there are different types of cheaters and reasons for cheating. I see boxes as black and white, no shades of grey. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I do not see this as putting anyone in a box since there are different types of cheaters and reasons for cheating. I see boxes as black and white, no shades of grey. I don't really understand what you are saying here. Because that was my point. People and relationships are infinite shades of gray and I don't believe there are X number of categories that any one fits neatly in. None of those categories (and pieces of several) work in my case. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 It could be, opposites attract, have you spoke with him about it? I can barely get him to talk about our situation. He is very guarded in every way possible with everyone. He opens up to me about a lot of things he wouldn't share with others, but he still finds it difficult to speak about his feelings in regards to us. He's an avoider. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 I don't really understand what you are saying here. Because that was my point. People and relationships are infinite shades of gray and I don't believe there are X number of categories that any one fits neatly in. None of those categories (and pieces of several) work in my case. Just my opinion. Ok, then the thread should be of no interest to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 I can barely get him to talk about our situation. He is very guarded in every way possible with everyone. He opens up to me about a lot of things he wouldn't share with others, but he still finds it difficult to speak about his feelings in regards to us. He's an avoider. I understand this feeling, my ex did the same. My belief is they are afraid of falling completely in love, and keeping certain distances, prevents this. They will become completely vulnerable if this occurs. They will lose control of the situation. I believe the love is there, thinly veiled right under the surface. It causes them great anxiety. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Ok, then the thread should be of no interest to you. This is a discussion forum. People are allowed and even encouraged to express dissenting opinions, as long as it's done respectfully. But you are right; threads where people don't want to hear anything except what they agree with are not interesting to me. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 This is a discussion forum. People are allowed and even encouraged to express dissenting opinions, as long as it's done respectfully. But you are right; threads where people don't want to hear anything except what they agree with are not interesting to me. Good luck. ??? I do not know why you are so defensive and it was not my intention to insult you. I agreed, ok, if you do not have interest in the classification of the different types of cheaters, then ok, it will not be of interest to you. These are also very short handed descriptions. Each can be detailed in pages if someone is interested in reading up further on one or more that may apply to their situation. Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I guess looking at the specific "categories" so to speak, mine was probably in the Cheaper to Keep Her catergory. He was supposedly only married on paper, in his words, and if a child wasn't involved they would've divorced years ago. He is very concerned about what others think and would be horrified to be looked at as the one to destroy his family, home, and financial security. Me...I am choosing to live a happy life, I have made lots of mistakes but I will not continue in a relationship that am not happy in...for no one. Day by day I am getting better and hope that he can fix what it is that needs fixing in himself for him to be in a happy, healthy marriage. Or he can just sustain for the child and do whatever he will...I just know it won't be with me the next time. Don't get me wrong...I know a lot of couples who are not happy together and have stayed married for their children just to divorce when they leave for college. I don't have children so I don't know what the struggle is to be torn about staying or going...I do know the struggle about staying with someone who literally makes your skin crawl, no kids made it easier for me. In the end we all need to be happy within ourselves before someone else can be happy with us 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 ??? I do not know why you are so defensive and it was not my intention to insult you. I agreed, ok, if you do not have interest in the classification of the different types of cheaters, then ok, it will not be of interest to you. These are also very short handed descriptions. Each can be detailed in pages if someone is interested in reading up further on one or more that may apply to their situation. Your comment struck me as snarky. If it was meant sincerely, then I apologize. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Your comment struck me as snarky. If it was meant sincerely, then I apologize. No it was not, but then again, it is difficult when writing on message board, to effectively and correctly express the intended intention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SleekArchitecture Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 I guess looking at the specific "categories" so to speak, mine was probably in the Cheaper to Keep Her catergory. He was supposedly only married on paper, in his words, and if a child wasn't involved they would've divorced years ago. He is very concerned about what others think and would be horrified to be looked at as the one to destroy his family, home, and financial security. Me...I am choosing to live a happy life, I have made lots of mistakes but I will not continue in a relationship that am not happy in...for no one. Day by day I am getting better and hope that he can fix what it is that needs fixing in himself for him to be in a happy, healthy marriage. Or he can just sustain for the child and do whatever he will...I just know it won't be with me the next time. This is spot on. Link to post Share on other sites
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