i want to help him

[Beesting]

I want to help my fiance, but I find that I am experiencing the "forest for the trees" phenomena. I'm too close to him to be objective, but he keeps turning to me for help.

 

I'm a mental health professional. I work in a forensic mental hospital with severely mentally ill patients. I have a lot of resources available to me, but I feel vaguely unethical about "working" with him. I separate my work life from my home life vigorously and almost obsessively because otherwise I would have no safe place to get away from mental illness!

 

He sees no value in himself. This increased dramatically after I revealed (in a moment of drunked stupidity that I will forever regret) that I had been unfaithful early in our relationship. It had been a one-time thing, a mistake taht I have always tried to make amends for, although not necessarily in the most healthy ways (submissiveness, and emotional suffocation).

 

His self-esteem, which has always been precarious, dropped through the floor. He sees no value in himself and has become emotionally distant, but he often forces himself to do things with me or be affectionate, not at my request (I would rather have genuine emotion in our relationship...) but because he thinks of it as his duty. As a result, his behavior has become more and more rigid and controlling.

 

I am involved in the situation that caused his downward sprial, at least involved in the trigger if not the actual reason. I can't help him, though he often wakes me up in the middle of the night for foggy counselling sessions where he reveals, occassionally, terrible secrets about his relationship with his father. I don't want to be his counselor because it reminds me of work and I don't want to associate him with work.

 

It's hard for me to tell if this is bad enough for him to seek out professional help or if we should wait for the intensity of proximity to pass. I am having very poor judgement in this arena. Any outside opinion would be helpful.

[Tony T]

This guy needs professional counselling and he needs it bad.

 

You are a woman. How can you find anything sexy or attractive about a man who thinks nothing of himself, who looks to YOU for strength instead of the other way around. Exactly what are you getting out of this relationship? If you have a tendency to be codependent, you are certainly getting those needs fulfilled where you work.

 

Is this the kind of boyfriend you want? You are not responsible for his low self esteem or his craziness. There are just too many men out there who can give you the things you need and give you a refreshing breather after a difficult day at your workplace.

 

If you are wanting to be away from nutty people when you get home from work, you might think about finding another boyfriend or finding another home.

[Laurynn]

Yes, it sounds like he most definitely needs outside, professional help.

 

Couple of things. It sounds as if your revealing that you'd once been unfaithful was merely a trigger......maybe it caused past issues to surface, specifically, unresolved issues with his Dad (maybe feeling betrayed, emotionally abandoned, somehow a failure, inadequate, undeserving of love, bla bla bla). You say his self esteem was always fairly low.....so there must be root causes for these, ones that need to be explored..by him, and a professional.

 

This guy reallllly needs to realize the need (I say 'realize', because obviously you can't FORCE him to seek help) for help...therapy, counseling, etc.

 

I can totally and completely understand your need/desire to keep work separate from home. I think you really need to sit him down and let him know that you're there for him, but as his girlfriend, you are NOT in the position to be objective/to help him. It's not your role or responsibility.

 

From what he's revealed so far, was he abused in some way by his father?

 

laurynn

[Beesting]

Yes, several times. And it is dragging on me to be with this person who has so little self-esteem. I have a hard time being sexually attracted to him. What's so strange is that when we first started dating he was very confident in himself. I now know from him that that was an act. I feel deceived, really.

 

But (maybe because of my profession) I can't just dump someone because of psychological dysfunction. But it's hard to get him to recognize. He has paid lipservice to counselling but always finds another reason why not to go. It's almost like reverse abuse. He'll do things for me or buy me things after a terrible depressive episode, he'll write poems about me and give me roses and chocolate. At first I just thought he was thoughtful, but now I really could care less about roses or massages. I want him to be healthy, emotionally, that's all!

[Paulie]

Give him an ultimatum...go to therapy, or else...and define your role with him as his GIRLFRIEND ONLY.

Paulie

[elf]

I think you need some time apart it will be hard but you are going to end up emotionally challenged if you dont. give your self some space apart learn to live again go out with friends have some fun find yourself again. and then when you have a clear head ask yourself what you want not what he needs he could go on like this forever do you really want to be stifled like that?

I want to help my fiance, but I find that I am experiencing the "forest for the trees" phenomena. I'm too close to him to be objective, but he keeps turning to me for help. I'm a mental health professional. I work in a forensic mental hospital with severely mentally ill patients. I have a lot of resources available to me, but I feel vaguely unethical about "working" with him. I separate my work life from my home life vigorously and almost obsessively because otherwise I would have no safe place to get away from mental illness! He sees no value in himself. This increased dramatically after I revealed (in a moment of drunked stupidity that I will forever regret) that I had been unfaithful early in our relationship. It had been a one-time thing, a mistake taht I have always tried to make amends for, although not necessarily in the most healthy ways (submissiveness, and emotional suffocation). His self-esteem, which has always been precarious, dropped through the floor. He sees no value in himself and has become emotionally distant, but he often forces himself to do things with me or be affectionate, not at my request (I would rather have genuine emotion in our relationship...) but because he thinks of it as his duty. As a result, his behavior has become more and more rigid and controlling. I am involved in the situation that caused his downward sprial, at least involved in the trigger if not the actual reason. I can't help him, though he often wakes me up in the middle of the night for foggy counselling sessions where he reveals, occassionally, terrible secrets about his relationship with his father. I don't want to be his counselor because it reminds me of work and I don't want to associate him with work. It's hard for me to tell if this is bad enough for him to seek out professional help or if we should wait for the intensity of proximity to pass. I am having very poor judgement in this arena. Any outside opinion would be helpful.