Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[elephantflower]

This is a long post.

 

I am in my early 30s – positive, friendly, professional, kind, generous. My ex-boyfriend is around the same age.

We met through an online dating website. Our first date was really nice – we both liked each other. The relationship progressed slowly. He said he was “scared” so I never put any pressure on him and enjoyed getting to know him. It was passionate – the sex was the best either of us had ever had. We connected with our senses of humor and slowly everything fell into place. We took a long trip together and it was wonderful. It took him a year for him to tell me he loved me but I thought he really meant it. He asked me to move in after we had been together more than a year. He started to make plans to buy a house (I would live with him too).

 

He was a very nice person – that is one of the reasons I liked him. He was gentle and kind. He didn’t raise his voice. He had a lot of friends and had good relationships with his ex girlfriends. I did not see this person emerge for a long time in the relationship. In the end it’s like he became a completely different person but only I could see it.

The last few months before our relationship ended, things started to change. He started getting into frequent bad moods and would take it out on me – he would ignore me, or put down things I was saying and later act normal and tell me I shouldn’t talk to him after he has gotten up from naps. He started to turn things around on me – I felt like I was going crazy.

 

I started a new job and was working very long hours – I made an effort when I came home to still be cheerful and loving even though I was stressed. I liked to put on my pjs and read after we ate dinner. He normally cooked during the week but I would help if I was home in time and would always help with dishes. He started to tell me I was lazy because I “didn’t do anything when I got home.” I tried to explain that I was exhausted and just needed an hour or two to relax.

 

He started to complain that I never planned things for us. So I started to consciously plan more – but then he wouldn’t commit to the plans. For example, I asked him if he wanted to go kayaking or to an art museum on such and such date/time and he would tell me he wasn’t sure or he had to see what else was going on . Then he would tell me he didn’t understand why I couldn’t just go do the things myself, without him. When I would try to explain that I was trying to plan more things for us he would get annoyed and tell me I was “needy.”

 

He then started to tell me that he felt like we were spending too much time together so I started doing things on my own. Then he would say he was worried about me that I was going to be burned out or he would get upset when I wasn’t home.

He started to tell me I made excuses for everything. For example, one morning when we were waking up, I said “Gosh, I didn’t sleep well last night.” When he asked me why I said “well I’ve been trying not to take Xanax anymore, so maybe my body is just getting used to being without it.” His response was “you have excuses for everything” then he rolled over and went back to bed.

 

He would sometimes bring up my divorce and ask questions – he was curious and I didn’t mind answering but he started being mean. I calmly explain it had been a difficult time in my life, etc. He would say “I don’t feel sorry for you. Everyone goes through hard times. You jus thave to push through them.” I agreed that yes, of course, I knew everyone went through hard times and I wasn’t complaining but he had asked me questions and I was juts answering them. He told me he didn’t want to hear my “sob story.” This made me extremely upset and I cried. The next day he acted completely normal – he was nice and apologize that he was mean. He said he had been in a bad mood.

 

I started to feel like I couldn’t do anything right. Even the smallest thing he would complain about. The way I chopped the onions was ruining our dinner, putting the pizza in the oven for 15 minutes instead of 13 minutes was ruining our dinner. When I would say how tired I was from work he would say things like “I don’t feel sorry for you. I work hard too and I still take care of the house and cook. What do you do?” He has a more flexible schedule than me and normally gets home 4-5 hours before me and has time to take a nap I was always appreciative of his hard work and help and made sure I told him. I was getting up an hour earlier to help him in the morning with laundry, dishes, tidying up and on the weekends I would make dinner and help with other errands.

We would get in the car and he would ask me to help him navigate – and I would do so. When I was driving I would nicely ask if he could help me navigate he would tell me the GPS was sitting right next to me and that he felt like he always had to help me with everything.

 

His moods were unpredictable – he could be so loving, so caring so nice to me. And then there were some days when he was distant and cold – where he would barely talk to me. When I would ask him a question he would tell me he didn’t always want to have to talk and he felt like I didn’t have my own life. I was so confused.

 

There was one evening where I had planned a date night for us and was cooking dinner and home. Dinner was ready and I could tell he was in a bad mood. He stayed on his computer while I was setting the table and he wasn’t talking. I asked him to please close his computer and he got furious – he told me I was needy, impatient, and annoying. I started sobbing – I didn’t understand it at all. I decided to still go out for the rest of our date… he followed me trying to apologize and I told him I didn’t want to be treated that way and he told me that he had just been in a bad mood.

 

There was a time when I got really sick with a stomach bug. He was housesitting for his parents (15 min away). He asked me if I could bring in the trash cans and then come over and watch the dogs. I told him that I was on the toilet, I was happy to help but I didn’t feel well. He accussed me of lying and told me that a little diahrrea shouldn’t stop me from taking in trashcans. He told me I was giving him an ultimatium that either I could bring in the trashcans or help with the dogs. He went crazy – he sent me a bunch of texts telling me I didn’t help him. I was extremely upset – even being sick I was trying to help and figure out a way to help with trashcans. Later in the day he called me and wanted me to come over – I came over and just started crying. He told me he felt like “something was going on” because I just started crying all of the sudden. I explained that I was upset because of the way he had treated me that day – I had been really sick and he was yelling at me about trashcans! He said I was being unreasonable and refused to talk to me.

 

There was a time when I accidentally dropped a paint brush on the rug and got a drop of paint on it. I saw that he saw and to make light of the situation, I looked at him and said “it got on my jeans!” and laughed. He got mad and accused me of lying and said he knew it got on the carpet. I told him I was joking around and I knew he had seen I was just trying to make light of it.

 

When our landlord needed up to pull some paper work for him. My boyfriend asked me if I could find the papers and deliver them to the appropriate person – I said no problem. I got home from work around 8pm (12 hr day). I immediately started searching for the papers but by 9pm knew I needed to eat dinner and get to bed. I set my alarm to get up early the next morning to keep searching and have enough time to bring them to the office. When my boyfriend got home he was mad because he had told me to get the papers that night – when I explained that I was getting up in the morning he told me I was “always tired” and couldn’t help him. I was able to get up and bring the papers on time but he was still mad.

 

The last straw was when he asked me grab the empty tea containers out of the cabinet on my way to meet him. I brought them and when I got there he got mad because they weren’t empty – he said that he had asked for the *empty* containers and this was wrong. He then started telling me I couldn’t do anything right. He said that lately everything he had asked me to do was “wrong.” When I started asking for examples he said he didn’t want to give me examples because I just made excuses about everything. He said that it was just a “feeling” he had. He told me to go home and he didn’t want to see me. At this point I was like WTF?! None of it made sense. I was extremely upset and ended up going back over to try and talk through it. When I got there he stonewalled me – he wouldn’t speak to me at all and kept brushing past me. He went into bed and I was crying he said “what do you want a hug?” There was zero emotion. I was scared – I felt like he was a completely different person and I didn’t know what to do. He told me turn off the light and leave the room. I was so scared I ended up driving back to the other house, calling my mom and telling her what happened and I needed to leave. I said that I loved him but something wasn’t right. He called me at 5am completely normal – he asked if I was ok and said he had just been in a bad mood and was sorry for being mean.

 

The next day I told him we needed distance and I didn’t think this was going to work. He ended up convincing me to come over to his place and there he told me he didn’t have any complaints about our relationship and was I sure I wanted this. Maybe we should just take a break. I loved him so much and thought that maybe he was finally starting to see how he was hurting me so I agreed to a break. I got an airbnb for a month. The day I was supposed to go to the airbnb he told me he would help me load my car. When he got to the house he was different again – he was distant and cold. He didn’t hug me and told me that he couldn’t help me with the car because he had errands to run.

 

Again, I was so confused – yesterday he was telling me he loved me and didn’t have any complaints and now it’s something different. I went to the airbnb and a few days later he called and broke up with me because he said it was “unhealthy.” He told me that I don’t challenge him and he has always had doubts. I was devastated – I have invested 2 years into this… he was the one that askd me to move in, he was the one that wanted to buy a house. I feel used or something.

 

I am devastated. I am hurt that I was treated/allowed myself to be treated this way. Also, in some sick way I miss him desperately. He has written one emotionless email to tell me that anything I leave in the house after I move my stuff out will be thrown away/given away.

 

I feel like he doesn’t care at all. I keep wanting to call him to talk to him. My family and friends think he was emotionally abusing me. I am so confused and hurt. I think they are right but why do I miss him so much? I feel so much anger that I haven’t gotten any kind of apology, except for a “sorry”. I feel like the preson I initially met isn’t even real. I have never ever seen him act this way toward friends or family. He said I bring it out in him.

 

I wonder if he really ever loved me. Neither one of us had been in a serious relationship for 3-4 years. I really waited until I thought I had found a connection and we DID have one. I have no idea what the hell happened. It was almost as if overnight he had a mental breakdown and completely changed. A lot of the stories I have read say that abusers isolate people, etc. He didn’t do any of that. He never even yelled.

 

It has been 5 weeks since the break up and I’m still having a really hard time – I go from being extremely mad to confused to missing him. He treated me horribly in the end but its devastating to think he could throw me away so easily when we had something so committed. I feel like I don’t have any kind of closure. It has been 14 days with NO contact at all. He texted me this weekend about a piece of mail – I was livid because I felt like he was making an excuse to contact me. I just said “junk” in reply to the mail.

 

I am coming here for support – I have reached out to family/friends, I am in therapy. I can use all of your words and support and thoughts about the situation. Thank you!

[elephantflower]

Anyone have any thoughts/support?

[sbohara]

hey there,

I don't know how much I can help you with my words here but I feel ya. I am on the same situation except he was never rude, mean or treated me bad. I didn't give him space after the break up, contacted him twice, weeks apart but bombarded him with emotional messages followed by phone calls. From may be we will get back together, he went really rude, mean and told me we will never ever be together again. OUCH. So, my bad I guess. But I was just thinking, if he ever truly loved me(which I think he did) and if we are really meant to be, he will definitely come back to me one day. If he didn't truly love me, then it's not worth fighting and waiting for that person. So I guess we can just learn from it and move on, work on ourselves so that if we mesh again, our relationship will be a new one, fresh one and more than anything mature and improved one. If not, we can imply what we learned from all this to the new relationship and make it worth being together.

[MCGar]

You fell in love and bonded with him because of how you clicked with each other, once he had you, he felt comfortable enough to let his 'bad' side out. This side is basically to treat you like trash whenever he feels moody or slightly annoyed with you and then be completely fine when he's over it. Everything could be brushed under the carpet because to HIM whatever he said wasn't abuse and it doesn't matter anymore anyway because he wasn't on the receiving end of it (thus no need for sympathy towards you).

 

Most healthy people on the receiving end of this would have their love shrivel up and die and by the time they got to the break up they would be loving the freedom.

 

But unfortunately with you, you got hooked into the codependent loop. Research it, you'll find yourself described. This is not an insult, when you can see yourself, then you can work on why you are so hooked.

 

He isn't an innocent moody guy in this, he tested your boundaries and found himself a nice comfortable co-dependent to relieve himself on, he instinctively manipulated you to keep you in the cycle of emotional abuse.

 

You got a rush of unhealthy endorphines from the dopamine in your brain that was triggered with you getting into this unhealthy relationship. You are missing the high you get from being with him, you aren't missing the love. Love isn't JUST the 'clicking', chemistry, and 'getting the other person' part; Love is the choice to treat the other with respect to sacrifice and to also honestly look at each other and not allow mistreatment to undermine the relationship. Love is the boring day to day rut that doesn't exclude maintaining your self worth.

 

This hurt you are feeling has 90% to do with yourself, 5% with who you think he is and 5% with who he actually is.

 

 

Don't despair, you can heal from this. Research, look into how to get past obsessive thought patterns (not saying obsessive as a dig, but as a descriptor),

 

ALSO, I have a slightly UNHEALTHY temporary trick to help you. Imagine a new boyfriend in detail. Anytime you want to think about your ex, you start building up a new opposite looking guy that just set up a hiking date, how did the date go? What did he say? Did you have the fluttery butterfly feelings? What would he do to give you that?

 

It's alot better than falling into a rebound real guy, and tides you over temporarily until you detox from ex. The ultimate goal being that you feel healthy as a person in and of yourself without needing a man to complete you.

[stillafool]

It sounds like he did you a favor. I don't know how you stood him for so long. Has he reached out to you since the break up? If not, continue NC and hopefully you will get over him soon. He really sounds awful.

[elephantflower]

Thank you for your response.

 

The thing about it that is difficult to explain is that is happened all very slowly (until the very end). I didn’t actually even realize it was emotionally abusive until after the relationship was over and I spoke to my family, friends and therapist about what had been going on.

 

I know LOGICALLY that I should hate him and not miss him. There is this very weird part of me that DOES miss him though even though he treated me badly. I keep blaming myself even though I know I didn’t actually do anything.

 

I’m in intensive therapy now. The strange thing (for me) is that I considered myself a strong person – like I said, this didn’t just happen quickly… there was a buildup and little things at first which I brushed aside. By the end of January I DID leave him and want out and he asked me to come back and take a break… I believed that he wanted to work on our relationship.

 

He was so nice when I met him. It’s just so hard to see this is who he was under there – he had good relationships with all of his ex’s and said it was “just me” that made him act that way.

 

He has reached out to me a little bit -- I have maintained NC for 14 days.

[MCGar]

The thing about abusive people is that they don't wear black top hats and twirl their mustache while tying a girl to the railroad tracks.

Unless they are true sociopaths (or similar), they are human too. They have their nice sweet sides, happy sides they can be genuinely good....but just not all the time. It's their decision to not respect the other person when they don't feel good, that is the bad part.

The more I read your first post the more I think his 'meanness' gave him a rush of pleasure. He was feeling irritated and to treat you like that made him feel better.

[Satu]

*My family and friends think he was emotionally abusing me. I am so confused and hurt. I think they are right but **why do I miss him so much? I feel so much anger that I haven’t gotten any kind of apology, except for a “sorry”. I feel like the preson I initially met isn’t even real. I have never ever seen him act this way toward friends or family. He said I bring it out in him.

 

 

*He definitely was emotionally abusing you, and severely.

 

You were in a bully/victim relationship.

 

He was Gaslighting you.

 

**Stockholm syndrome maybe. Co-Dependency, very likely.

 

Turn all your attention away from him and onto yourself.

 

Take care of yourself.

[elephantflower]

I really appreciate everyone’s comments.

 

The way I feel is hard to describe and I’m here for support from other people so I do not completely exhaust my family and friends. As I said, I understand on a logical level that I should hate him – if one of my friend’s was telling me this stuff I would be completely appalled.

 

I think the hardest thing was the switching back and forth – in hindsight, I can see signs of his behavior early on but they were “little” things and I didn’t put much stock in them. It wasn’t until December that this started happening every day and I knew something was wrong. So the majority of our almost 2 year relationship was relatively very, very good. It is almost as if I think of him as two different people.

 

I know that I don’t want to be with someone that treats me this way. That’s why I originally left the situation. There is still a lot of pain and hurt there (that’s why I’m here!)… I miss the “good” side of him. This has also made me wonder if he ever really loved me or if this was all a game. In the end, he was SO cold and emotionless. I think he is already dating someone which is crushing for me… he has good relationships with all of his ex-girlfriends. My therapist thinks that because this was the most serious relationship he has ever had that this side came out because we were close.

 

It hurts to think that he actually believes those things he said about me even though I know they are not true. Every day it gets a little bit easier. It has been helpful to remember the things he said and the way I felt in those moments. I felt so awful and hurt – he would then go back to being completely nice and loving. It’s as if I’m in denial about the fact that he was actually abusive… I KNOW it’s true but I’m still in disbelief. I almost feel ashamed that it happened and that I didn’t see it sooner. I feel lead on.

 

Comments/stories/support is really appreciated. Thank you!

[elephantflower]

Does anyone else fluctuate between feeling happy/okay and then 30 minutes later feeling sad/depressed? I find this happening frequently. It is like a roller coaster.

 

I also go back and forth between having no interest in speaking with my ex ever again to then feeling like I really want to refriend him on facebook and text him.

 

I hate this. I think part of it is I want him to think I’m doing okay for some reason. Or to “prove” all of the things he said about me were not true.

[elephantflower]

I’m having a really difficult time this afternoon.

 

I keep thinking about how I broke up with him and he convinced me that he loved me and wanted to work it out… so I agreed to a break and really thought he could see how his behavior was affecting our relationship.

 

The day I left to go on a “break” he got back on OKC and then I found out he had met someone at a party and gotten her number. When I confronted him he said he was “lonely.” I think he is now dating the girl he met at the party. I just feel like crap. Has this happened to anyone else? I feel so used… after two years he didn’t even break up with me in person, he did it over the phone.

[Karin2rinkashi]

I’m having a really difficult time this afternoon.

 

I keep thinking about how I broke up with him and he convinced me that he loved me and wanted to work it out… so I agreed to a break and really thought he could see how his behavior was affecting our relationship.

 

The day I left to go on a “break” he got back on OKC and then I found out he had met someone at a party and gotten her number. When I confronted him he said he was “lonely.” I think he is now dating the girl he met at the party. I just feel like crap. Has this happened to anyone else? I feel so used… after two years he didn’t even break up with me in person, he did it over the phone.

 

You don't want to contact him again....

 

 

Do you want to be anyone's second best? I have the same exact feeling... as you do... But i know i must not do any of it.

 

And yes, i feel fine but then i feel not fine. Sometimes i am actually happy and then i am sick to my stomach. It is normal.

 

Look how much these two have made us suffer.... do they deserve us? NO!

 

Do you believe in fate.... you know ONE DAY he will get that gut feeling too when someone dumps them. And they will think about you...

 

 

Don't take them back! Do you really want to love a person who did that to you? Think about it... Really? If he was in your arms right now, and i know you would love that. But does that change the fact that he is with SOMEONE ELSE right this moment... and that someone is not you!

 

Think about it girl! Hang in there with me..

[Karin2rinkashi]

I’m having a really difficult time this afternoon.

 

I keep thinking about how I broke up with him and he convinced me that he loved me and wanted to work it out… so I agreed to a break and really thought he could see how his behavior was affecting our relationship.

 

The day I left to go on a “break” he got back on OKC and then I found out he had met someone at a party and gotten her number. When I confronted him he said he was “lonely.” I think he is now dating the girl he met at the party. I just feel like crap. Has this happened to anyone else? I feel so used… after two years he didn’t even break up with me in person, he did it over the phone.

 

My ex is in a relationship for a week now. 1 and a half week after the break up.... Like, it was nothing that we had.... It hurts!!! I know..

 

But be brave!!! And if you don't feel brave, just fake it. No one can tell the difference....

[elephantflower]

Thanks Karin2rinkashi.

 

I am not going to contact him but like you said, a part of me wants to but I know if I did I would end up feeling way, way worse.

 

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through also... what complete *******s. I seriously cannot imagine treating someone else the way I was treated. If you want to get out of a relationship then just break up with the person... don't treat them like **** and then go find someone else and then dump them. That is just completely cruel.

 

I am faking it as much as I can. Going out with friends, doing activities. It's really hard but I'm hoping that I start to feel better. I'm meeting some new friends which has been nice.

 

We have not texted/called/emailed in 16 days. I have defriended him from facebook but for some reason I still check his page.... I can't see anything so I don't know why I keep looking at it and I also keep looking at the page of the girl I think he is dating...

 

I also have an OKC account and look at this profile... he can't see I'm looking because it blocks it but for some reason I keep checking it to see if he is still on it because I know if he gets off of it then it means that things are getting more serious with this girl.

 

I feel insane. Seriously. I am 33 years old and I feel crazy...

[Karin2rinkashi]

Thanks Karin2rinkashi.

 

I am not going to contact him but like you said, a part of me wants to but I know if I did I would end up feeling way, way worse.

 

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through also... what complete *******s. I seriously cannot imagine treating someone else the way I was treated. If you want to get out of a relationship then just break up with the person... don't treat them like **** and then go find someone else and then dump them. That is just completely cruel.

 

I am faking it as much as I can. Going out with friends, doing activities. It's really hard but I'm hoping that I start to feel better. I'm meeting some new friends which has been nice.

 

We have not texted/called/emailed in 16 days. I have defriended him from facebook but for some reason I still check his page.... I can't see anything so I don't know why I keep looking at it and I also keep looking at the page of the girl I think he is dating...

 

I also have an OKC account and look at this profile... he can't see I'm looking because it blocks it but for some reason I keep checking it to see if he is still on it because I know if he gets off of it then it means that things are getting more serious with this girl.

 

I feel insane. Seriously. I am 33 years old and I feel crazy...

 

I think we can have the right to be feeling crazy right now. And stop looking at this fb page and other stuff. It isn't helping....

 

I know it is tough.... but you gotta stop doing that. I am 24, and i have never felt the pain that she put me through. Her last words "I don't want you to go through this pain. :("

I keep repeating these because i think she was mocking me... but it is ok. No one mocks better than life itself.... It is her loss. I am just mourning my dead relationship... she will have to mourn her lost opportunity when the time comes..... and we know it!

 

Think about it... They left us from someone else.... meaning they can do it again to that person, meaning they don't really know what love is, or how to love.

 

So, who is under skilled? They are... and life is a game about who ends better, not who is doing better right now...

 

We are all good! If he comes back in some years, don't take him back!

[east]

Hi elephantflower.

Not that you don't already know but I wanted to tell you that you're not alone at all. Mine and your feelings right now are very similar. Right now I'm on the horrible roller coaster ride that we both know is very painful and unpredictable. I'm 27 years old and dealing with a recent break up as well. We were together for over 8 years, and now things are just not right at all. I am feeling a lot of anxiety, depression, not being able to eat, no sleep, just over all not doing so well.

One thing I believe you should keep in mind is the way you have described yourself as being positive, friendly, professional, kind, generous. Honestly you seem like a very good person and there should be more people like you in this world. I know its hard, but just by reading what you have posted I can tell you that you deserve so much more.

Just know its not your fault and there are people that would love to have a person like you in their life, as a friend or a girlfriend.

[elephantflower]

I have a previous thread of my story (it's been 5 weeks).

 

I have been in no contact for almost 3 weeks. Today my ex tried to refriend me on Facebook and then sent me a text saying "can I have a play date with [my dog's name]?"

 

I did not answer the text and did not accept the friend request. I don't know why he would contact me -- it seems so cruel. I feel bad now -- I don't trust him (please read my original thread) but a part of me wants to respond but know it probably won't help.

 

 

Any advice?

[Stercrazy]

Block him on your phone and FB. You answered your own question when you said you didn't trust him.

[anduina]

Remain NC and keep moving on. Having read your other thread, he sounds like someone with a personality disorder, maybe BPD.

[elephantflower]

I'm curious if this behavior is normal... I was in a relationship for 10 years and other than that this breakup (the one I'm writing about above) is the only serious relationships I have had.

 

To me, it seems cruel and unfair to contact someone after you dump them... and given the fact that you were HORRIBLE in the end to me. Do most people just leave you alone? It seems like if you didn't want to work on the relationship and dumped me, then I don't understand why you want to speak with me?

 

Do most people go through this or are most people left alone?

 

I'm not going to contact him I'm just curious about his behavior since the breakup. It seems so odd.

[BC1980]

I'm curious if this behavior is normal... I was in a relationship for 10 years and other than that this breakup (the one I'm writing about above) is the only serious relationships I have had.

 

To me, it seems cruel and unfair to contact someone after you dump them... and given the fact that you were HORRIBLE in the end to me. Do most people just leave you alone? It seems like if you didn't want to work on the relationship and dumped me, then I don't understand why you want to speak with me?

 

Do most people go through this or are most people left alone?

 

I'm not going to contact him I'm just curious about his behavior since the breakup. It seems so odd.

 

My recent ex played these games and would contact me quite frequently at first. This was the first time I had an ex that hoovered around and initiated contact, so I was also perplexed. With all of my other breakups, we just cut contact and moved on. First, I would block him on FB, and don't respond to the request for a dog play date. That is a ludicrous thing to ask on his part, and it's probably a ploy to keep you hooked. My ex would do crazy things like send my parents birthday cards, and he mailed me a decently nice birthday gift and a card on what would have been our anniversary. I actually know of a few people who have said that he claims we are friends.

 

I think that the exes who want to hoover after dumping you are basically trying to hedge their bets. They want to stay in your good graces in case the single life doesn't work out. In my case, I later found out that my ex was keeping me around while he lined things up with another woman. Some people like to keep a harem of exes around for an ego boost. My ex kept all of his exes around and claimed a friendship with them. He would even contact them ever so often.

 

This guy might be the type to really try to bust down your barriers. You have to be strong and not waiver. Even to this day, my ex does passive aggressive stuff to try to get my attention. He will mail pointless things to my parents' house that he says he finds lying around his house. We work together, and, even after I've repeatedly ignored him, he still tries to start a conversation with me or engage me in some way. I've never met someone that was so inappropriate and out of touch with the reality of a breakup, and he's the one who left me and is engaged to someone else. I've read tons of other threads where people are perplexed over the same issues, and it's difficult to understand if you don't think that way. My ex has done some other creepy stuff (related to work) that I haven't mentioned on LS, but I think the only way to fight this stuff is to completely disengage and ignore the person. Don't play the game.

[elephantflower]

Thanks for your response. I think the part that is so awful is that our breakup did not really end well. He spent the entire month before dumping me treating me like complete **** -- putting me down, telling me I couldn't do anything, telling me I was lazy. Even after all that I was willing to try and work things out (even though I didnt know what was wrong). He ended up dumping me -- I was very upset.

 

Although, it didn't end with me screaming at him or telling him I hated him. I have told him several times how painful the whole thing has been for me, how awful it made me feel, how inappropriate his behavior was toward me. I have said this verbally and in writing. Our last text conversation over 3 weeks ago was me telling him that he treated me badly and was basically an *******. I then defriended him from facebook, etc.

 

When the breakup FIRST happened - the first few days I didn't even realize the way he had been treating me was verbal abuse... it's hard for people to understand and I see it now but it's almost like I was in a fog and thought I was doing something wrong. So I actually wanted to stay friends and talk... then as the weeks went on and I was in therapy, etc I realized the extent of the damage he did. That is when we had the text conversation and I defriended him.

 

I just don't understand the mentality -- I have never gotten a real apology for the way he has acted. I am tortured by the things he has said and am doing my best to move on.

[dumbass2]

Don't try to understand because you wont be able to and nobody on here can tell you 100% why, other then we all know that it is wrong and you shouldn't try to think too much about it. You know it is wrong and that is all you need to know. If he sent you something that said that he's so sorry and wants to talk and talk about trying again, then that you are understandably going to wonder what to do, but this is no a no-brainer by just doing nothing. Make sure he is blocked on your phone from calls or texts and email as well so you don't have to go through that crap.

[elephantflower]

This has completely ****ed me up again. Why did he contact me? I was still not doing well but felt like I was making progress.

 

I am now back to not being able to sleep and obsessing about everything. I'm so mad. I feel like this has completely taken over my life. I am terrified to see him.

 

I hate this. I want it to stop.

[Stercrazy]

This has completely ****ed me up again. Why did he contact me? I was still not doing well but felt like I was making progress.

 

I am now back to not being able to sleep and obsessing about everything. I'm so mad. I feel like this has completely taken over my life. I am terrified to see him.

 

I hate this. I want it to stop.

And that is exactly why you need to block him.......like REALLY block him.