Author elephantflower Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 I think thats part of my issue in general. No matter who wrote me, I wouldnt ignore a text about a dog being sick (my dog is like my child). It's just rude. You can't go from 3 weeks ago wanting to see my dog to 3 weeks later acting like you dont care. It's juts mean and horrible to do that. I feel manipulated - I let it happen I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I think it has been confusing because he goes back and forth. So I didn't get the impression he didn't care. He acted liked he cared sometimes and sometimes he didn't. He is a huge jerk. Another poster on here said it best. If it's not consistent, it's not real. If he switches back and forth, it's not real. He's only communicating with you when it fulfills some need he has. He will keep you around on his terms and do the bare minimum to stay on good terms. He might care a little, but it's not enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ravfour4 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 He's probably confused as hell. Cares about you, but doesn't want you as a gf. Is happy with his decision, but partially regrets it. Loves your dog, but doesn't want to see you all the time. He's a mess just like my ex, don't let him bring you down with him on his spiral of confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I think thats part of my issue in general. No matter who wrote me, I wouldnt ignore a text about a dog being sick (my dog is like my child). It's just rude. You can't go from 3 weeks ago wanting to see my dog to 3 weeks later acting like you dont care. It's juts mean and horrible to do that. I feel manipulated - I let it happen I guess. I've seen people do that a lot though. Changing within weeks. It's the hallmark of a relationship that is on unequal footing. He can't give you what you want at this point. His goal is bare minimal contact to keep you around, but that's not your goal. So it won't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 I didn't ask to see him or my dog. He was the one that did that. He was the one that continued to contact me after the breakup - I answered and would contact him occasionally but only because he had been initiating. That's why it's been confusing. I basically hate him now and am so hurt. When we first broke up I had blocked him and told him - I cant see you or talk to you or anything. I need to heal. Then after a few weeks I let him back in and all of this happened. I was pretty sure in the beginning I couldnt deal with this **** and I can't. He was so adament - SO ADAMENT - about remaining friends. He pushed it and pushed it. So I was trying to I guess be mature about it. Worst decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 I almost feel like he built it up to tear it down. I feel like he has gotten some sort of sick pleasure out of it. I take responsibility that I let it continue but who does that to someone? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I can see that now, very clearly and it is hurtful. He switches back and forth, back and forth. I'm just starting to be done with it. I was trying to be mature by still allowing him in my life. Three weeks ago he was texting me and wanting to hang out and see my dog. Now he doesn't care at all. Maturity is not allowing him in your life. Maturity is recognizing that you need NC and can't be friends with an ex. You need to step away, so you can heal. Even the nicest of exes require NC. So many people get tripped up on being "mature," and wind up in much more pain. Maturity is waking away and taking care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 You are right. Everyone is right. I knew that from day one. Within minutes of him breaking it off I had told him that we can't speak and had blocked and deleted him everywhere. Within several weeks I think he had emailed me (I cant remember) or something and I let him back in... a part of me still wanted to. When I got divorced I acted like he had really died. I literally cut him off everywhere right away. I didn't look back. When we first broke up, I was planning to do the same but then he convinced me we could work as friends... and a part of me wanted that somehow. Everyone else I've casually dated I'm still on good terms with but you can't stay friends with a serious relationship. Not possible. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I almost feel like he built it up to tear it down. I feel like he has gotten some sort of sick pleasure out of it. I take responsibility that I let it continue but who does that to someone? When you responded, he got what he wanted. He wanted to know you were still around, and that was all he needed. No investment required on his end. Of course, he left you in shambles, and you'll have to pay the price. He will continue on with no problems. The cardinal rule is never to speak with an ex unless you are totally indifferent. That way, you are completely protected if something like this goes down. If he ignores you, you won't care. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You are right. Everyone is right. I knew that from day one. Within minutes of him breaking it off I had told him that we can't speak and had blocked and deleted him everywhere. Within several weeks I think he had emailed me (I cant remember) or something and I let him back in... a part of me still wanted to. When I got divorced I acted like he had really died. I literally cut him off everywhere right away. I didn't look back. When we first broke up, I was planning to do the same but then he convinced me we could work as friends... and a part of me wanted that somehow. Everyone else I've casually dated I'm still on good terms with but you can't stay friends with a serious relationship. Not possible. It's okay. You are not the only person who had been caught up like this. I went through nearly the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 16, 2015 Author Share Posted July 16, 2015 I have defriended him and blocked his number. I feel bad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I have defriended him and blocked his number. I feel bad. You did the right thing for yourself. I think you should focus on why you feel bad for your actions. It's typical people pleasing and lack of boundaries. You will not what is in your best interests because you are worried about hurting someone else. Ironically, the person you are scared of hurting is the one who has completely disrespected you. Link to post Share on other sites
brokengirl85 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I hope you've learned from your past posts and continue no contact until you reach the indifference stage. One cannot be friends with an ex if there are feelings involved. And the guy is not a jerk, cmon. I think you need to calm down and focus on yourself. Keep the no contact. I hope your dog is feeling better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 What the ****?!????????!!!!! So I defriended and blocked on my phone. He sent me an email tonight asking me how my dog was doing. Then he wrote - I have a decision I'm trying to make, maybe you can help? And then asked me if he should go to his friend's wedding or anothe friend's bachelor party? Seriously?! What is wrong with him. I feel like maybe he saw I unfriended and he is trying to get my attention. I just don't understand his mindset AT ALL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 And yes, he has been a jerk. He was horrible to me at the end and has been hot and cold since the breakup. It's been really awful to deal with. I understand my role in it because I let it continue but I don't what his deal is. He broke up with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 What the ****?!????????!!!!! So I defriended and blocked on my phone. He sent me an email tonight asking me how my dog was doing. Then he wrote - I have a decision I'm trying to make, maybe you can help? And then asked me if he should go to his friend's wedding or anothe friend's bachelor party? Seriously?! What is wrong with him. I feel like maybe he saw I unfriended and he is trying to get my attention. I just don't understand his mindset AT ALL. Time to filter the email to spam. Stop getting sucked in. You know how this story goes -- so don't repeat it. Link to post Share on other sites
brokengirl85 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 He only wants to have you "just in case" but he's not interested in you. I think he may need the attention you are giving him and that's all, but when he feels he got you again, he gets uninterested again. Best way to deal with this is to block him or to show him he's not interested. I did so and he disappeared. That showed me he didn't truly care and he only wanted my attention Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 So I replied to his email and said he should go to the wedding. We wrote back and forth for a bit and he thanked me for the help. I think this would be a good point to write back and say "You're welcome. Good luck with everything in the future" then block him everywhere. This way I'm kind of saying "goodbye" without having to get into a huge drama filled thing. I could either: 1) just completely block him without saying anything but the reason that doesnt sit right with me is because I screwed up and let him back into my life. If I had kept no contact in the beginning that would be one thing but now that we are speaking again it seems just as mean for me to start ignoring him. 2) write a short message back like I said above, something like "you're welcome. Good luck to you in the future." or something like that. That way when he finally sees he is being blocked it's not a huge surprise and I was still kind and nice. 3) a part of me wants to write a longer message explaining things, that I cant talk to him or be his friend but I think that might just be pointless. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Morphine Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Id say write to him saying you do not wish him to contact you ever again. And say that if he does you will block him. You could explain that you are trying to move on PEACEFULLY without any drama and that him keeping in touch with you prevents from doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Im not necessarily opposed to saying that I can't speak to him but there is something so cold about saying "I will block him, etc" because I've been LETTING him keep contacting me and answering (nicely) so it almost seems mean on my part to go from friendly to rude. I'm trying to put my foot down but do it gracefully which is why I wonder if I should write something somewhat longer that is firm but still kind? Dear Ex, After thinking things through more, I'm sorry but I do not think we can be friends. I wish you the best in your life and in the future. -Me Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Dear Ex, After thinking things through more, I'm sorry, but I do not think we can be friends now or any time in the near future. It is apparent that we still have chemistry and care about one another (which we have both admitted) which has made my healing process more confusing and much harder. To me, friendship is equal on both sides and it does not feel that way to me. I wish you the best in your life and in the future. -Me ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author elephantflower Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Dear Ex, After thinking this through more, I'm sorry, but I don't think we can be friends now. After seeing each other over a month ago, it is apparent that even after all that time passed we still have a very unique, special chemistry. It took me by surprise and I think it took you by surprise -- it made me question every thing again. It is too difficult for me to pretend that it does not exist which is essentially what we are doing when we still continue to speak or see each other. I really pride myself on being genuine and I don't think that us pretending that we only care about each other as friends, or pretending that we don't have a bond/chemistry/love is really healthy. I can't pretend. Certainly, change is inevitable, as we have discussed before but the relationship we had and this breakup have made me question everything I feel about love and commitment. I've spent the past 6 months soul searching on what I want from my life -- a lot of therapy, time with friends and work on myself. When we first broke up, I was certain we could not be friends but then thought maybe it was possible. After time has passed I am back to thinking it is not possible. I can't have relationships with people where things are held back -- where things don't progress or things are not shared out of fear. I feel like so much fear in the end infiltrated our relationship... instead of focusing on each other and the happiness we shared. I wish you the best in future. -Me ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Short and to the point. The third message is way too long, second message is slightly too long, first message is perfect. Stop trying to end things "perfectly". Stop cowtowing to someone who dumped you and who has been playing you like a fiddle. Send a short note (I personally wouldn't send anything) and be done with it. Aren't you sick of being stuck in this muck? Take control of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 He could care less if you send him a message or not. I can promise you that. Do not invest a great deal in a person who does not appreciate it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
54JA Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Sending a notice of NC works with some people but not all the time. It all depends on the type of guy and your level of commitment to NC. If you believe that your ex is the type of guy that respects your wishes, then you might benefit from sending the NC notice. But if you believe he is just going to ignore your wishes, then letting him know that you want NC won't do you any good. If you still feel the need to let him know somehow, I agree with Simon. Keep it really short, simple, to the point, leaving no room for interpretation. The purpose of this should only be to effectively stop him from contacting you in the future so that you can focus on healing. In the end, it's really up to you. I did this with my ex every time we broke up. Knowing myself (easily tempted), I asked him to stop contacting me every time we broke up. But, I learned the hard way that it doesn't matter whether I ask for NC or not. In the end, if I am not committed to NC/not willing to face the pain head-on, it won't work. Despite my declaration, I caved multiple times, thus multiple breakups, thus a long, miserable relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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