Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[pidgeon1010]

This is a disaster waiting to happen. Nothing you have described here sounds promising.

 

Dumpers may vacillate whether they made the right choice. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, until they settle on one side. A dumper who is "kind" will not involve the dumpee in this process because they don't want to give them false hope and jerk them around (and a dumpee who has the willpower to detach themselves from a situation that is not meeting their emotional needs will not want to involve themselves in this process). The end of that process sometimes leads to reconciliation but there are no guarantees. It is important that a dumpee shields himself/herself from this "back and forth" which also signals to the dumper that the dumpee is not willing to accept mediocrity and uncertainty.

 

You have placed yourself smack in the middle of this process but claim that you are OK with being friends with benefits. How could you be when you want him back? The fact that he doesn't even want to add you AS A FRIEND on a negligible forum such as facebook is telling. Very telling. You're his emotional tampon until he finds someone he really wants to be with. If you are OK with that, then so be it. Enjoy the sex until it ends. He may suddenly wake up one day and decide you're the one that got away, but the chances of that happening based on what you have described seem highly unlikely.

[BC1980]

I actually don't see sex that way at all. I've always had casual relationships with no problem. The sex stuff is the least of my issues with this. I actually think he sees it as more of a commitment than I do. I also like having readily available sex and companionship. He seemed to be struggling more with the question "where is this going" if we keep doing this than I was. I honestly hadn't given it TONS of thought until he said he had thought about getting back together. Then I thought -- I guess he has been thinking about it.

 

I'm more focused on the emotional conversations we were having and the fact that he admitted that he still had feelings for me. I thought that he probably didn't accept my friend request because he wanted to try and maintain control -- I feel like he probably felt out of control when he said his feeling to me and I didn't immediately reciprocate.

 

I've had casual relationships too, but it wasn't with an ex that I loved and that had caused me tremendous pain. Based on your past posts, I think you are downplaying how detrimental it would be if he cut you off tomorrow. I think you would probably do just about anything to get him to commit to you, and he knows that. He knows that he can put in minimal effort, and you will still be there when he calls. I'm not saying this to be unkind because I've been where you are. I didn't see the reality of the situation. I also wanted to be patient while he made up his mind. The truth is that I had degraded my standards and accepted whatever was on offer in the hopes he would commit.

 

He's being emotional with you then pulling back. He ignores you for months then calls you up one day. All of that is a way to manage you. I know your heart can't see that, but you've got to use your head right now. This is going to end the same way it did all the other times he came back and wanted to see you. He's testing you to see if you will tolerate a FWB situation. Once you display any overt need for commitment or ask where things stand, he will be out the door. I guarantee it.

[BC1980]

This is a disaster waiting to happen. Nothing you have described here sounds promising.

 

Dumpers may vacillate whether they made the right choice. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, until they settle on one side. A dumper who is "kind" will not involve the dumpee in this process because they don't want to give them false hope and jerk them around (and a dumpee who has the willpower to detach themselves from a situation that is not meeting their emotional needs will not want to involve themselves in this process). The end of that process sometimes leads to reconciliation but there are no guarantees. It is important that a dumpee shields himself/herself from this "back and forth" which also signals to the dumper that the dumpee is not willing to accept mediocrity and uncertainty.

 

You have placed yourself smack in the middle of this process but claim that you are OK with being friends with benefits. How could you be when you want him back? The fact that he doesn't even want to add you AS A FRIEND on a negligible forum such as facebook is telling. Very telling. You're his emotional tampon until he finds someone he really wants to be with. If you are OK with that, then so be it. Enjoy the sex until it ends. He may suddenly wake up one day and decide you're the one that got away, but the chances of that happening based on what you have described seem highly unlikely.

 

The real irony is that by placing yourself in that situation of uncertainty, you dramatically decreases the chances of the dumper changing their mind.

[Blanco]

OP, you continue to make excuses for this guy's behavior while downplaying your own emotional investment in where things are right now.

 

Healing from a serious relationship can take a long time. At this point, it's been nearly 7 months since you created this thread and you aren't really any further along because you continue to remain in limbo with this person on the highly unlikely chance that he will ever want to be in a serious relationship with you again.

 

Right now, it sounds like you think you're slowly building toward a reconciliation with this guy. But all I'm seeing from your post is that you've avoided discussing getting back together, probably for fear that you'll scare him off. I can almost promise you that if you were to ask him point blank about a relationship with you, he would not be able to give you a straight answer.

 

How long do you plan to let your life remain in a state of stasis?

[elephantflower]

Being straightforward is something I've thought about doing. Honestly, the interaction has brought me amounts of closure that I did not have before and something I have enjoyed.

 

My communication could use some work. I tend to operate from a place of fear. I feel like he has brought up getting back together but I didn't really respond. I wanted to think about what I wanted more -- and even then, it's not that easy.

 

I'm not even really sure what I want.

[BC1980]

Being straightforward is something I've thought about doing. Honestly, the interaction has brought me amounts of closure that I did not have before and something I have enjoyed.

 

My communication could use some work. I tend to operate from a place of fear. I feel like he has brought up getting back together but I didn't really respond. I wanted to think about what I wanted more -- and even then, it's not that easy.

 

I'm not even really sure what I want.

 

I kind of get where you're coming from with this because I felt similarly when I was talking with my ex after we broke up. I think it's a false sense of confidence when they are around.

[elephantflower]

I wanted to write another update today. Since my last post, I spoke to my best friend about what has been happening. She has met him before and knows all of the background (including what I’ve written here). She thinks that the facebook issue happened because he admitted he still had feelings for me – when didn’t reciprocate right away he got freak out (as usual) and didn’t want to accept my request and see pictures.

 

I actually ignored his text about facebook – for some reason I felt like acknowledging it or getting mad would just give him what he wanted which feels like a reaction. We continued to text as normal for the rest of the week – every couple days just normal chit chat.

 

On Tuesday, I RSVPd to a Halloween party – it is a HUGE party with about 400 people that I have gone to for the past 3 years. I thought he might be there (he has gone in the past) but I purposefully did not look at who had responded to the invite because I didn’t want it to influence my decision. I made sure I had a few friends that would be going with me too. I didn’t tell my ex about going because why would I? I knew that I might see him there and it seemed like we were on decent terms that if I DID see him out in public I wouldn’t have a breakdown and we could be cordial.

 

About an hour after I responded to the invite and bought my tickets I got a text from my ex that said “Just wanted to give you a heads up about that Halloween party, there is a person I have been hanging out with who is going. I don't know if that changes your decision whether you wanna come or not. I know you probably don't wanna hear about this but I figured better now than at the party."

 

My heart absolutely sank when I read this. I certainly assumed he was dating around – he is on Tinder afterall but we just had sex last week and have been talking all the time. I in no way, shape or form thought he was seeing someone enough that he needed to tell me about it. I don’t think it must be that serious – he is still on Tinder all of the time so I don’t know how it could be.

 

I think probably it is someone he has gone out with a few times and he knows it will be awkward for her and me to be there at the same time. Awkward for him. So I feel like he probably said that to me hoping I would not come. I could be reading too much into it but based on his past behavior of pretty much only caring about himself I have a really hard time imaging that he was telling me out of the goodness of his heart. Also, why else would someone say “I don’t know if that changes your decision to come or not.” That seems really odd to me.

 

I ignored his text. I don’t have anything to say about it. I actually feel really disrespected at this point because although we were sleeping together and I knew he was probably dating I think it’s rude to talk about getting back together, then not accept my friend request then send me some cryptic message about this party. Intially I was going to back out of the paty but it’s been 9 months and I’m SICK of avoiding every gathering where he might be. This is a HUGE party and a large venue (nothing intimate)… I will be there with friends and I will know other people there. I still want to go to show myself I can and also so he doesn’t think he has control over me.

 

He also didn’t say he was “going with her” to the party – just that she would be there. I almost feel like it was rude to even tell me this because 1) he was obviously stalking to see if I said yes to the invite because I never told him; 2) unless you are making out in front of me or in a full on relationship I’m not sure it’s really appropriate to tell me this… I feel like he did it to make me mad or something. There are actually two people there that I recently went out with but I wouldn’t bother mentioning that to him.

 

I’m not really sure what to think of the whole situation. After I ignored that text – he texted me later that night and said “My mom bought [their dog’s name] a Halloween costume but it doesn’t fit and I want to give it to [my dog]. Does anyone else this this behavior is odd?

[pidgeon1010]

Ugh I hate to see this happen but unfortunately this is what we tried to warn you about but you claimed you could have no strings attached sex with him.

 

Like several people have said, you need to move on from this guy. He is playing with your emotions. He gave you this info because he KNOWS you want him back and frankly, he probably is doing it for his own peace of mind so you don't cause a scene at the party. He realizes the sex was not "no strings" for you. He is well aware of that. That is why I told you in my previous post that a dumper who is "kind" and respects the dumpee will not involve a dumpee in a situation like that.

 

When a man is indecisive about you or breaks up with you, you give him what he wants and disappear, not reward him with affection and sex. That tells him you are willing to accept mediocre treatment and more often that not, devalues you in his eyes.

 

I wouldn't respond to his text and would go to the party if and only if you think you have the emotional strength to have fun and make it through the party without breaking down. There is no shame in not attending if you believe your emotional well-being is at stake. I hope this will give you the impetus to move on. This guy is not worth it!

[BC1980]

I think he didn't friend you on FB because he doesn't want it public that he has ties to you, and he doesn't want you to see if he's posting things to this new woman. I wouldn't be surprised if he is trying to get exclusive with her and is stringing you along until he does. That was actually my first thought when you posted that he didn't friend you on FB. The usual reason for not doing that is to hide the other person.

 

He's telling you about her going to the party because he doesn't want a scene. He probably wishes you would'nt go. For that reason alone, I think I would go and completely ignore him. Don't answer the text. I almost puked when I read the text about the dog's Halloween costume. He's trying to play nice and act like it's all good. What a complete jack*ss.

[elephantflower]

Hi everyone,

I know you were right. I already feel really dumb. The way the situation has played out is hard to explain. I have let you guys see all my emotions, fears and real thoughts. Although I have hung out with him and maintained contact I have never actually reciprocated his advances -- I don't typically text him first, I'm not asking where he is going or what he is doing. The only reason that matters is to say that to him I have come across as more nonchalant.

 

I actually don't think he is trying to get serious with this girl. My ex has sabatoged every relationship with everyone he has dated due to his fear of commitment. This has been common for him. He will date someone for 3-6 months and right before it gets serious he will break up with them. I am the first serious adult relationship he has had (2 years) where he actually got off online dating. Even though he called the 3-6 month people his "girlfriends" he was always still online with them which doesn't make sense to me and should have been a red flag.

 

So I do think he has hung out with this person. But I don't think it's serious. I think he knows it could be incredibly awkward if both of us were there. The thing is he should have left it alone. It made me more annoyed he felt some weird need to mention it. I wasn't going to the party because of him and I knew there was a possibility that if he was there I might see him hanging out with a girl.

 

I'm definitely still going. I'm not going to cause a scene -- even though I'm emotional on this forum in my actual life there are very few people I let see me upset. So if for some reason I get there and feel bad, I will just leave. As I said its w huge party - no way would I go it was a house party. If I don't go I really feel like that's showing he has control over me.

 

Also in terms of Facebook he doesn't ever post anything on people's walls but you could be right that he doesn't want people to see we are friends again. I think that really hurts because he made it seem like we were really close again.

 

I haven't answered either text. I was actually appalled that he sent the 2nd one and super confused. It's like you aren't friending me and then sent me a text about some girl - so leave it be.

 

I think this is where my issue (among many) has been all along. I think in my head I have a hard time, even now, wrapping my brain around that someone could be so rude. So I think - maybe he didn't mean it that way, etc. because when you spend an entire day with someone talking, laughing, cooking, baking, etc that didn't feel fake. I didn't feel used at all.

[elephantflower]

A part of me feel bad now... Depressed. But a part of me feels much, much better than I had been feeling. It kind of proved to me that I really do think there is something wrong with him -- in terms of the way he is treating me. I realize everyone has been telling me that but having him act like this again has shown me that this is how he is and somehow that has helped me a lot in getting closure because I'm blaming myself less and feel like I have it 1000%.

 

I'm not back to "normal" but I feel more social and more like myself. It has been almost 9 months of being isolated and it's nice to get out and do things again. I think there will probably still be ups and downs -- it's not as though I have zero feelings for him but this has left such a bad taste in my mouth. I think when we broke up I was obsessed with thinking I could have done something but now I know I couldn't have -- I tried again and used different ways of communicating and he still acted out in the same way.

 

I still feel very hurt but I am trying to tell myself that I did what I needed to do to move forward. I get stuck on what people will think of me -- I know everyone thought it wasn't a good idea to see him. But I keep telling myself I did what I had to do to move forward.

 

I have no doubt he will try to text me again. I think I'll just stick to MC this time. In the past I had felt bad about ignoring him but I've learned that when I respond it just escalates the situation. I also feel at this time I've given him multiple chances to treat me with respect and he has chosen not to a lot of the time.

 

I think what's still lingering right in this moment is anger that he sent me the text about the girl. I think it's probably natural in some way to feel sad/rejected/weird about it. When I go to the party I just need to get into a great mindset, put on a smile, keep my

Confidence and focus on my friends. I will admit though I'm a little worried but I keep telling myself if I get there and I feel horrible I can always just leave but going will get me back out there and show that I'm not going to stay home

Or avoid places he might be. As I've mentioned before we have a huge overlap in social circles so the choices are essentially move, never go out or go out and risk seeing him occasionally. If I see him, I will ignore him. I plan to not try to see him - avoid scanning rooms, if I do see him leaving that room immediately. It's a very large space so it will be doable.

[elephantflower]

Today I feel really angry. I haven't contacted or done anything for him to know this but I just feel bad.

 

When we have been hanging out he really did make me feel like he cared about me (as a person, friend, maybe more)... at the very least a friend. I was telling him how I have been applying to jobs in another state and feeling a little lost about what my next steps are with my career. He said "I would miss you and [my dog] so much. I definitely will come and visit if you move."

 

Those kinds of things were confusing to me. Maybe to everyone else here it is black and white but when someone asks you to come back into their life -- you hang out, have good conversation, they express they still care about you, etc. I don't think it's really odd for me to think that we were back to being semi-friends or at least on good terms.

 

I understand the sex stuff people don't understand. The only reason the sex thing bothers me is that I find THAT confusing because if you are so involved with someone that you need to tell me about it then why did you have sex with me? I don't feel bad that we did it that just seems really wrong...

 

If you compeltely take the sex out of the picture I would still be confused. In a way a part of me wants to stand up for myself and say something like "It really hurt my feelings that you said you wanted to be friends and we were hanging out again and then you wouldn't even accept my friend request." The friend request thing when I type it sounds kind of dumb... I don't actually care THAT much about facebook but it's the fact that he wouldnt even accept THAT!

 

I feel confused that after all of this. I realize I guess I'm doing this but it's not as if I'm just calling him and texting him and begging him to hang out. He has been acting like a friend would act -- biking trips, cooking dinner together, saying hi every couple of days.

 

I feel sad because maybe I am overreacting and we are still friends? I dont really know what to do. I feel strange today.

[pidgeon1010]

He gave you mixed signals and you decided which of those signals you would hang your hat on. Unfortunately you ignored the most crucial ones and made excuses for that. This thread is littered with the excuses you made for his actions. Regarding the facebook thing, you claimed he didn't add you because he was feeling vulnerable and pulling away because you were getting closer. You've downplayed your emotional investment in this whole thing while elevating his emotional investment (erroneously).

 

Frankly, if you just wanted him to be a friend like you claim in your recent post, then he has done NOTHING wrong. Friends can have sex with each other with no commitment and also be intimate with others. But you see, you're not just friends and the facebook request wasn't just one friend adding another friend. You were in a relationship that ended because he decided to end things. When you reached out to him, you were already starting at a disadvantage and he was in the position of power. That is why he reminded you that none of what transpired between you two meant he would want to get back in a relationship. He did not see you as "nonchalant." To the contrary, his refusal to add you on facebook and his text warning you about the other chick underscores the fact that he realized you were more emotionally invested than he was. If he thought you were "easy breezy, didn't care", he would not have even mentioned the new girl at all or he would not have said he was telling you in advance so you would have the option to stay at home. Why would a friend stay home if another friend is bringing a date to an event?

 

He never said he wanted you back and his actions never supported such a belief. But he realized you were hooked so at the very least, he could enjoy your companionship while seeing what else is out there. HE IS A TOOL.

[Blanco]

I have nothing to add other than if you had taken the advice from others to cut this guy out completely long ago, you wouldn't be feeling this hodgepodge of emotions.

 

You can blame him for having "something wrong with him," but it is only with your permission that he is still able to infiltrate that behavior into your life.

 

You really need to quit lying to yourself about all of this not meaning that much to you and about your capacity to be this guy's friend. You (hopefully) wouldn't tolerate this sort of behavior from a true friend.

[elephantflower]

I don't really think I've downplayed my emotions -- I still deeply care about him and like him which I haven't denied at all. Everyone keeps focusing on the sex but I have been saying that even if you cut out the fact that we had sex I would still feel that same -- me feeling angry has nothing to do with the fact that we had sex.

 

He was the one almost two months ago that contacted me, apologized and then wanted to hang out. He texted me as a friend and I texted him. We started to hang out and would see each other once a week as I mentioned -- it didn't start out with sex. We would cook dinner together, etc. We did eventually have sex, yes. During our times of hanging out he told me he didn't want me to move, he told me he still had feelings for me, he told me he has thought about us getting back together but is scared. We spent hours joking and laughing. I'm not how from all of this I was supposed to gather that he didn't want to even be friends. And yes, I thought MAYBE we were organically working toward something -- how would you have taken a conversation after you spent a great day with someone and have them say "I miss you so you much. I'm so scared but part of me thinks we should get back together." I responded with "I understand but I think we should keep things the way they are for right now." I didn't initiate any of those deep discussions about relationships. I didn't initiate any of the hanging out. This was all him.

 

In terms of facebook - yes, when it initially happened it was the day after he had told me he still had feelings for me and was scared. He asked me if I was dating and I said "no" and then he said "actually I dont want to know." Then I asked him and he said "I have here and there." Which I wasn't surprised about.

 

After all of the hanging out and talking for almost 2 months it felt okay to add him on facebook again. When he didnt accept the day after that convo I thought "hm. Maybe he is just freaked out." Now I dont think that but what would you think after spending 2 months with someone every week with them telling you those things and having their actions match that... my mind didnt necessarily go to the worst.

 

So yes, he has done something wrong as a friend. Why do you not want to be my friend on facebook? So all of what you said might be true but that's why this has hurt so much -- what kind of person says they miss you, keeps asking you over for dinner, etc. I was supposed to magically know he dind want to be friends on facebook?

 

I think he told me about the girl becuase he doesnt want it to be awkward. I think he still has feeling for me too. Do I think that he thinks I dont care about him at all? No of course not. But I certainly didnt get the impression from him behavior over the past two months that he wants nothing to do with me.

 

Also, I get it. I get what everyone is saying. It hasn't been so black and white for me. Maybe it should have been. I don't know but it wasn't. When you love someone and they come back into your life and you still have a connection and you hang out and they tell you they miss you - I wasnt going to be like **** YOU. I was just kind of seeing what happened.

Edited October 16, 2015 by elephantflower

[elephantflower]

I'm not saying anyone is wrong. You are right. I feel stupid. I think I was just trying to explain how I got caught up in it again.

 

I feel incredibly dumb for thinking he cared about me. It really felt like he did. I come here to write things out -- it has become like a diary. Although yes, I still have feelings I am WAYYYYYYYYY better than I was 2-3 months ago. His actions have less impact on me -- yes, feel sad, etc that he acted like that but not non-functional like I felt before.

[Blanco]

At best, this guy doesn't know what he wants and that doesn't seem to be changing any time soon. At worst, he's a player, who's going to continue to look for sex and companionship from other women and fallback to you for those things in a pinch.

 

Neither scenario does you any good, unless you're OK living an existence that has you feeling confused, angry, hurt, anxious, and worst of all, defending the poor behavior of someone else.

 

At this point, it sounds like you're putting way more thought and consideration into his actions than even he is. When is enough enough?

[elephantflower]

Now is enough.

 

I feel like I did what I had to do at the time. For me, I felt like I wanted to hang out with him to see if there was a change -- maybe it was "right," maybe it was "wrong." But I can say I feel much, much better than I have been. I feel like I can see that I didn't do anything wrong and I've tried several things to make it work.

 

I still feel like he is a jerk. I've blocked him on facebook - which I have done several times but now that he doesn't even want to be friends (which is a new thing, I had rejected his request several times before we started speaking again) I feel okay about it. I'm not going to make a huge announcement about not talking to him and I'm not going ot block him from my phone.

 

The main reason I'm not blocking him from my phone is because for some reason this causes me more anxiety. I am however, either going to ignore him if he texts or if he wants to hang out say something like "no thanks."

[BC1980]

I'm not saying anyone is wrong. You are right. I feel stupid. I think I was just trying to explain how I got caught up in it again.

 

I feel incredibly dumb for thinking he cared about me. It really felt like he did. I come here to write things out -- it has become like a diary. Although yes, I still have feelings I am WAYYYYYYYYY better than I was 2-3 months ago. His actions have less impact on me -- yes, feel sad, etc that he acted like that but not non-functional like I felt before.

 

It's so hard to see the truth when you care about someone. It's so easy to make excuses. I also felt that my ex was genuine, which is why his behavior perplexed me. Like you, I didn't feel it was fake. I just kept thinking there was no was he could be so genuine and so loving and then just leave me one day. I really struggled to make sense of it, and I never have. But I will say that I've seen many similar stories around here.

[elephantflower]

Just coming to write some feeling down today.

 

I don't want to contact him. But why do I feel so uneasy, angry and hurt? I know he is a jerk and based on everything that has happened you think my brain would just hate him.

 

I know for sure I feel much better than I did and have lost a lot of the feelings I had but there are still some there. I still think about him everyday -- on the good side I'm finally out in the world again. Being social, making new friends, getting back to me.

 

I know that I just have to keep moving forward but I wish apathy would come to me now. I still don't really have a desire to date. It's actually kind of weird to me -- even after my divorce which was horrific I starting dating about 6-8 months afterward to get back out there. There was some excitement.

 

In this case, the not dating has nothing to do with my ex. It's just like I literally have no desire at all. I've been out with a few people really casually for coffee but I don't really think of that as "dating." I'm online again but even if I message someone back and forth thinking about meeting and the effort required to build something is so daunting to me I just don't want to.

 

I guess it will happen when I want it to happen or when I feel ready. I think I struggle because maybe a part of me thought I would be at a different place in my life at this point. I'm in my mid 30s -- I definitely want a companion and can envision in my mind happiness with someone but when I think about getting from here to there I can't even see how it's possible.

 

A lot of times I watch my other friend's lives and don't think I will ever have that. I don't mean had in a negative way but it's like I see people having kids and getting married and in my mind I can't really really picture that for myself -- if I start really thinking about it it makes me too sad. So I'm consistently the attractive, social, confident (from the outside) friend who is perpetually single at every event.

 

I'm just kind of talking right now. I guess I don't feel bad about it. I think it's more like I don't even really know what I want. I have spent so much of my life thinking those things wood never happen for me (I think I told myself that so I wouldn't be sad when they didn't) that I don't really focus on what I need. So j always say I don't want kids and don't want to get married but I'm actually not sure if that's what I really want... And I don't know how to figure it out.

[BC1980]

I don't want to contact him. But why do I feel so uneasy, angry and hurt? I know he is a jerk and based on everything that has happened you think my brain would just hate him.

 

I know that I just have to keep moving forward but I wish apathy would come to me now. I still don't really have a desire to date. It's actually kind of weird to me -- even after my divorce which was horrific I starting dating about 6-8 months afterward to get back out there. There was some excitement

 

I wish it worked that way. The fact is that if you have any attachment to the person, they can make you feel all kinds of emotions. No matter how badly the person treated you, you don't automatically hate the person. The problem is that we tend to remember the good times just as much as the bad. And sometimes, we weight the good times over the bad. You saw good in your ex and had good times. So there was something there that made you fall in love with him, and that doesn't go away overnight.

 

Apathy is difficult to attain. It took me about a year and a half of NC to even be able to use the worth apathetic. And I'm still not 100% apathetic. I get angry sometimes when I think of what my ex did to me. So that means I still care on some level. I think you really have to build yourself up and keep telling yourself you deserve better. Because honestly, you do deserve better than this guy. I deserve better than what my ex gave me.

 

With dating, I get the apathy. I'm not very motivated to date because I don't know that I can trust anyone at this point. This breakup might be worse for you because it represents a second failed relationship. Or maybe you invested more in this one. I invested heavily in my ex, and I trusted him completely (which was undeserved), so, when he broke that trust, the impact was heavy.

 

Just know I'm pulling for you. I can identify with your story because nearly the same thing happened to me. When I read your thread, I kept remembering my story. My ex strung me along until he found someone else. It's degrading, and it hurts. You've got a right to feel the way you do.

[dyna85]

I agree with BC. It's going to take a long while to reach apathy. I wouldn't worry about that at this point. At this time, I would focus on doing you, the best you can, and completely extricating yourself from the fray that is your ex. He is adding so much unnecessary drama to your life. He has serious gall to make a comment like that about the Halloween party, and then to later act like all is peachy-keen with the text about the dog. It is as though he views you as being okay with everything.

 

I think you should go to the Halloween party, but you should definitely also cut ties completely with this person. He is treating you as a friend, and a crappy one to boot, when you are still emotionally invested.

 

Don't let him keep you on the string. The sooner you cut ties, the better off you'll be and the closer you'll be to healing.

 

I would not be surprised that he ups his game when you do cut ties for real. It would be in your best interest to not feed into it. You deserve to be more than the fall back girl and/or the faux friend. These types of guys will keep you on the string as long as they can get away with it. It's up to you to not allow yourself to be taken for granted and treated like anything goes.

 

This guy wants to have his cake and to eat it too. It's pitiful.

 

I hope you decide you're worth more than this and break free from this madness.

[elephantflower]

I want to preface this post by saying I will continue to use this site/forum as a diary and a way to express my feelings so that in my actual life I don’t go crazy. I give my friends very little information at this point about what is going on and how I’m feeling because who wants to hear about a breakup that happened 9 months ago… so I need a place to express myself. I realize a lot of what I write is repetitive. I also realize I’m made some mistakes – I don’t feel good about that at all but I’m here for support. I realize the mistakes I’ve made are repetitive. I want to learn and grow from this. I know I keep repeating all of this but I’m doing that because sometimes the comments are extremely critical – I think most people who are this forum already feel bad enough. It’s okay to disagree but it’s not okay to put people down.

 

I’m really angry today. I feel really stupid today. A part of me thinks maybe I like the drama because I’m starting to get angry that I haven’t heard from him even though I don’t want to hear from him (I’m not sure if that makes sense). It really felt like we were part of each other’s lives again. I’m angry he told me he still cared about me and was thinking of getting back together. I’m angry he said he would come visit me if I moved. I’m angry he told me he wanted to watch my dog when I went on vacation. All of these things made me believe that he cared about me and wanted me in his life.

 

I have figured out that I think he uses me when he is lonely or confused or wants support and then when he gets that he basically drops me. It feels awful to have great conversation with someone and think they will support you to just have them disappear.

 

I have blocked him on facebook – that was somewhat easy since we already were not friends on there. I need to come up with a plan of action for when he contacts me again. I don’t want to block him on my phone because of the amount of anxiety is causes me –it seems to create more drama. So my options are that when he contacts me I just give short answers. For instance “Do you want to come over” “No”. “Can I see your dog” “No”.

 

The other option is to explain the situation and that I am confused and hurt. I don’t even really know what to say though. Can someone help me?

 

Also, I was thinking today that maybe he does think of me as a friend? I think for some reason I’m getting stuck on this – maybe he does care about me and think of me as a friend so I think when I block him and stuff I feel bad because I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me. I have never really communicated that I’m upset or how I’m feeling so he might think everything is okay.

[elephantflower]

I want to expand on my last paragraph a little bit to explain my thought process.

 

I think I have a serious problem with communication – just in general. That comes from a place a fear and I don’t think it’s a good thing and it’s something I really want to work on and need support with. The last time my ex and I hung out things were really good – when he opened up to me and said he was thinking of us getting back together he asked me basically where this was going – why are we hanging out? I said “I don’t know. I don’t know what this is. Does it have to have a label? It’s more complicated than just getting back together. We are not anything. Can’t we just be.” He said “Fine.”

 

Except that not really how I felt. Before he said all of that about thinking of getting back together he said “I don’t want you to think you are coming over here and we are just going to get back together.” I said “ok.” Then several minutes later is when he started talking about how he was feeling like he has been thinking about it.

 

I guess I’m mad at myself – I wish I could have expressed more how I really felt but I was scared. I wonder if it’s possible that I made him feel rejected and because of that he completely back off and tried to gain back control and make it seem like HE didn’t care at all but not accepting my friend request and then telling me about the girl. I realize I’m just speculating but I also think my lack of communication skills probably haven’t helped anything.

 

On one hand – I don’t want to be stupid and pour my heart out and have someone completely reject me and feel like an idiot but on the other hand I think I seriously need to work on saying how I actually feel and then moving forward from there. My ex is also very guarded (like me).

 

I think most of the comments are going to be “this guy is an *******, just forget about it.” But at the same time – I need someone to see my point that how can I expect someone else to come from a place of honesty when I can’t even do the same thing. I haven’t been deceitful in terms of seeing other people or anything like that but when it comes to laying out my feelings I freeze.

 

I am wondering if THIS is why I’m actually stuck because I know in my heart I haven’t really laid it out there and so I don’t know what could happen. It’s almost like I’m waiting for him to do it. I’m not saying he will or he is going to but at least I could have said “You know, I really care about you and I want to get back together too. I think this could work if we really work on it together. I know you are scared.” Instead I made it seem like I didn’t care AT ALL.

 

So I think I can't let it go because I don't really have closure. Like now I want to reach out and ask how his trip went this weekend. I keep wanting a different result but *I'm* not doing anything differently.

[BC1980]

The other option is to explain the situation and that I am confused and hurt. I don’t even really know what to say though. Can someone help me?

 

Also, I was thinking today that maybe he does think of me as a friend? I think for some reason I’m getting stuck on this – maybe he does care about me and think of me as a friend so I think when I block him and stuff I feel bad because I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me. I have never really communicated that I’m upset or how I’m feeling so he might think everything is okay.

 

He will not understand the situation if you explain it to him. He just won't. That is something I had to learn the hard way. He can only understand his viewpoint, and, yes, he probably sees you as a friend. A friend he is attracted to and with whom he shared a past. But that is probably all he sees you as AT THIS POINT. What you had was something more in the past, but, IN THE PRESENT, he sees you as a friend that he enjoys having sex with and generally enjoys as a companion.

 

^^^That is the problem. Because you see him as something more. You are still trying to process the grief from the breakup, but he is done with that. He has moved on, so he will never understand your sadness, anger, or feelings of loss. If you spill all those feelings to him, he will likely say, "gosh, I'm sorry you feel that way. I had no idea. We probably shouldn't see each other anymore." And that will be it. He will not be able to validate those feelings in the way that a good therapist or friend can.

 

You feel bad when you block him because you don't want to hurt his feelings, but what about your feelings? What about your healing? When you refuse to block him, you prioritize his feelings over your healing. And that right there, that refusal to prioritize your needs has been the reason you are still in this place after 9 months. You simply don't value yourself enough to give yourself a chance to heal. You would rather curry favor from him, a person who really doesn't deserve any favor.

 

You are more comfortable getting everyone to like you than you are being true to yourself and addressing your own needs. Let me give you a piece of advice that I learned too late in life: it's not your job to make everyone like you. It's not your obligation to act in a way that makes everyone else comfortable and caters to their needs, while sacrificing your own needs. Another person's emotional well being is not your responsibility. You ex's emotional well being is not your responsibility. If he gets his feelings hurt because you block him on FB or block his cell numbers, NOT YOUR PROBLEM. When people break, they break. They go their separate ways. He wanted the break, so he has to be prepared to deal with the consequences. I also think that you are overestimating how much he will actually care if you block his cell number. I don't think it will hurt him to the degree that you think it will.