Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[elephantflower]

Sorry he didn't block - he didn't accept the friend request.

 

Yes, I've reached the point of crazy. I'm sure no one will believe it but I almost always hold in my emotions so it is a big deal for me to even confront or tell him how I thought he was acting was not okay. I normally would have ignored his texts and if I saw him out acting like everything was fine. I'm unable to set boundaries because I'm afraid people will abandon me.

 

I think it's s lot of things. A loss of control. That somehow I did something wrong for him to treat me this way and it feels like I have to explain it so he will see. For some reason sometimes I can't see that he can't see. To me it feels rational to calmly explain and work through things. I see now he doesn't care but two months ago he was calling me crying because he didn't want to lose me from his life. I don't know when to cut it off because I don't want to hurt people. I think gosh, he seemed really sorry maybe I've done something to upset him, he said he really wanted to be friends so we can work it out.

 

Everything I've done came from a place of love and pain. I really was trying to get closure in a ****ed yo way. Trust me when I say when we would tlak and hang out I she no idea two weeks later he would be treating me like garbage. He made it seem like it was mutual so I thought it was.

 

And I probably am acting like a teenager. I've had two relationships in my entire life this one and one for 10 years in which I was married (started dating when I was 17). Although I've dated around a lot those are the only significant things I have had and they have both been toxic. It took me years to even get into this most recent relationship. I really trusted him.

Edited October 23, 2015 by elephantflower

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess I didn't have a plan. Honestly I went in thinking kind of like oh cool- it's so fun to hang out again and things seem really good between us. In my mind I think this equated to things being easier in my personal life. I've avoided almost every social function this year for fear of him being there. It felt like wow, maybe we can be on good ground.

 

Then he started with talk about our relationship and maybe getting back together. I said I wanted to keep hanging out and connecting again. So yes after that he was still acting like things were fine.

 

It was obviously hurtful that after he figured out I might be going to this party he changed. I would text and he would answer with one word. I friend requested and he blocked - total 180. I came on here to vent but let it go with him. I didn't text anymore, he didn't txt me as much. I didn't go ape ****. He told me about the girl. Fine. Got it. It was clear he had been using me.

 

It was the last straw with the text about the party and telling me "you know it will be awkward if you go." I'm sick of being treated like crap. Yeah maybe I should have ignored him but when do I get my say? So I said what I felt and I don't even think it was horrible.

 

I don't know why I kept coming back. Our relationship was abusice and my therapist said it's really common. I feel like it's my fault and I get anxiety and think I can fix it. It's like a drug. I'm not saying that means i shouldn't stop. I want to! So badly! All I wanted was acknowledgement of what happened - in his texts he even twisted things around and made it seem like things were "so causal". They weren't! If they are so incredibly casual why are you telling your family we've been hanging out, why are you texting about my dog. He didn't live up that part of it... He set the pace. I never even asked him to hang out!

 

I'm it's really angry right now. I'm sick of being treated this way. Sick of being used and tossed around.

 

You aren't going to get acknowledgement. You have to get that notion out of your head, because it's literally making you act crazy. And stop saying "but he started it" -- I couldn't care less about what he did and what he didn't do. Him being a s--thead is not justification for you to continue to dig your own grave.

 

And if you are sick of being used and tossed around THEN DON'T ENGAGE WITH PEOPLE WHO USE AND TOSS YOU AROUND! You can't control how people act, but you can control the people you interact with. SO STOP INTERACTING WITH HIM! It's clear he doesn't care and the more you try to make him care, the more you allow him to justify his behavior in his mind. With every long text and dramatic e-mail conversation, you are providing him with justification for his behavior. If you actually stayed silent and blocked him and STUCK TO IT he'd probably feel worse.

 

If you want him to truly feel bad, then you have to stop talking to him FOREVER. If you want to get yourself back and stop being the crazy ex-girlfriend, then you have to stop talking to him FOREVER. There's really no other solution at this point. I really hope you will -- I don't want you to be on Page 54 of this thread going through the same stuff you've gone through on page 3, page 9, page 12, or page 26 (or whatever we're on).

[BC1980]

What I need for people to understand is it wasn't obvious to me. When someone is texting you all the time, telling you they want to get back together, calling you begging to be friends. I really believed that. It didn't start off as sex -- I had made an effort not to engage him for quite awhile and then called me to apologize.

 

We understand that what happened wasn't obvious to YOU. I understand that very well because I have been in your shoes. But you came to us for advice for a reason. You asked for advice because you knew, in your heart, that something was not right with this situation. You chose to ignore all of the advice given. I am not saying I would have done any different because I did go against a lot of advice when I was going through the same thing. At the end of the day, I had no one to blame but myself.

 

Something I had noticed in this thread is that you are highly defensive if anyone calls you out on anything. You get very easily offended if we say you might need to look at your actions. I think that part of growing and learning is being able to take the advice given (even if it implicates that you may at fault) and learn from it. I think all of that stems from people pleasing BTW.

[elephantflower]

I want all of that too. That's why I'm here. Despite what everyone thinks that's what I've always wanted.

 

I do have a problem which I'm acknowledging and which I'm in therapy for -- I don't know why I have a hard time letting things go. As much as people here thinks it's crazy I probably hate it even more. I beat myself up about everything. About how I am a failure and a horrible person.

 

I will keep coming here as long as I need to even if we get to 200 pages but hopefully from here things change. For whatever reason i felt better doing all that - which is again, part of my problem. I don't know why.

 

I want to stop talking to him forever. I am not going to the Halloween party anymore because I want to focus on my healing and although I think I could ignore him I don't want the drama. I want to have a fun night - I am sad that yet again I have to change my plans because of him. But I want it to be about me and my feelings and if I go I will jeopardize my healing.

[elephantflower]

Yes I get super defensive. I'm not sure why. I think maybe it's because in my mind I am trying my best to make it through.

 

It's lot so much about calling me out but about the way that it is done. Sometimes I find comments condescending which I think it unnecessary

[BC1980]

I don't know why I kept coming back. Our relationship was abusice and my therapist said it's really common. I feel like it's my fault and I get anxiety and think I can fix it. It's like a drug. I'm not saying that means i shouldn't stop. I want to! So badly! All I wanted was acknowledgement of what happened - in his texts he even twisted things around and made it seem like things were "so causal". They weren't! If they are so incredibly casual why are you telling your family we've been hanging out, why are you texting about my dog. He didn't live up that part of it... He set the pace. I never even asked him to hang out!

 

I'm it's really angry right now. I'm sick of being treated this way. Sick of being used and tossed around.

 

He is not going to agree with you version of how it went down. Why would he? He has the least reason of anyone to acknowledge your feelings or feel any sympathy. But there are people who can validate your feelings and listen to you. Friends, family, therapists, or people on LS.

 

You allow yourself to get used and tossed around. That is a choice that you make. Don't see yourself as a victim with no power because you will never move on if you have that mentality. Realize that you are more powerful than you think.

[BC1980]

He has issues, but I feel as if you are almost continuing to feed the flames of this because the more you stay after him, the more time you delay really looking at yourself and why you have acted this way. I think this is intentional on some level.

 

^^^Yes, I said this in a previous post. The desire to continue engaging with him is an attempt to delay moving on. Because moving on involves really looking at the situation and grieving the loss.

[elephantflower]

I get that now but I didn't before or I didn't completely. I want to get better. I kept feeling like I could fix it somehow. It just felt like if I did or said something differently it would be different.

[Simon Phoenix]

I want all of that too. That's why I'm here. Despite what everyone thinks that's what I've always wanted.

 

I do have a problem which I'm acknowledging and which I'm in therapy for -- I don't know why I have a hard time letting things go. As much as people here thinks it's crazy I probably hate it even more. I beat myself up about everything. About how I am a failure and a horrible person.

 

I will keep coming here as long as I need to even if we get to 200 pages but hopefully from here things change. For whatever reason i felt better doing all that - which is again, part of my problem. I don't know why.

 

I want to stop talking to him forever. I am not going to the Halloween party anymore because I want to focus on my healing and although I think I could ignore him I don't want the drama. I want to have a fun night - I am sad that yet again I have to change my plans because of him. But I want it to be about me and my feelings and if I go I will jeopardize my healing.

 

The problem is that you are looking one second down the road instead of 15 seconds down the road. You also said you felt better the other times you told him off, but shortly after you felt worse because a) you thought you might have been too mean and because of that b) your angry words had no impact on him. So then you go try it again and the cycle repeats -- you emote, you feel better at first, then you realize that it didn't help at all. But instead of going "well, that didn't work", you keep trying to double down on the "telling him off" and you're digging a bigger and bigger hole for you to climb out of. Every time you tell him off, you're falling further behind. You're a drug addict that keeps going for the quick fix instead of going to rehab and drying out.

 

I'm glad you aren't going to the Halloween party. That's the right decision.

[Blanco]

You aren't ever going to get your say. Not with this guy. That's what we have been trying to tell you. Not all bad situations are capped off by vindication.

 

My own breakup had a starting point close to yours. I felt I was wronged and unappreciated often in the relationship, and this has been confirmed by loved ones who were close to the situation, but were hesitant to say anything while I was still with her. My attempts to get her to see things my way almost never worked during the relationship and they certainly didn't work afterwards, when she had no tangible reason to even entertain my perspective.

 

I still struggle with aspects of the breakup fallout, but I'm in a better place most days than I was months ago because I've made a point of cutting her out of my life. That, unfortunately, has come at the expense of being involved in the lives of her children, who viewed me as a father. But it had to be done. I can't be privy to her life or her new relationship. It's no good for me. I cannot imagine how low I would still feel if I, after all this time, was still resisting cutting off contact with her world, hoping she would finally come around and see things how I do.

 

The only way you're going to start moving past this is by accepting that nothing you say or do will ever get him to see your side of the situation. That's why you should be journaling. You get the thoughts out and onto paper without making a fool of yourself.

[Candle037]

Hello Eflower,

I took the whole day, subscribed to this post and I wanted to talk about obsession and progress. I am currently doing NC and I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you that these posts are productive in getting you through your days and your life. Being vulnerable is very difficult and it is very productive to reach out in this way. What you are going through is a PROCESS. For me I did no contact cause I was obsessed and he didn't want something more serious. To be honest I am still to a degree obsessed but I keep busy and in check. I don't think at all it's weak to get in touch with him who cares. I care about my well being. Here's what I've been up to. I've been on a website called meetup. com and once a week I put myself out there to make new friends, I have a therapist and a small support network who reminds me of ''being present'', I go to the gym and I have taken up cooking recently as my skills are lacking. Every week I try to challenge myself with unrelated things. New movies, new books, Baggage reclaim blog*** especially Natalie Lue's book Mr. Unavailable and the fallback girl. New podcasts, I visit friends I haven't seen in a while, watch a scary movie. I KEEP going. When your ready I'm sure you will do whatever you feel is best for you. As a matter of fact I want to contact my ex right now but I know it will do me no benefit whatsoever. I have also dated and it is hard to have those feelings emerge. So right now im single and just making it day to day. I make big goals for myself. Trips to visit family and maybe even to buy my own home and not count on anyone. Just breath and keep going. If I contact my ex or he does me its not the end of the world. If I dream of him which I am sure will happen tonight doesn't mean anything and it's hard in the moment when emotions are high. I came back on this site for support and found your post and I appreciate how honest you are. This takes time..... a lot of time. So you going to parties, making new friends, taking your dog for a walk, seeing a therapist are all very positive things. I have some amazing days and I have some terrible. I also have the resolve that I'm gonna damn well get through this ****ty period in my life. Get angry... do some kickboxing. Get sad....watch a comedy with friends....Get happy... enjoy yourself and be present. I know at times I just forgot about my ex. It's been 1.5 years and periodically on off texting only then I closed the door. Here's what I said and hopefully it helps you.

 

Out of my journal..another great outlet by the way besides the letter.

 

Here's what I texted...

Things aren't the same anymore between me and you like they used to be. I'm not bringing my best to this. I need something real and I just feel empty all the time when we talk about sex. This is actually hurting me. I tried a few months ago to reconnect with you for the wrong reasons which wasn't fair to me because I wasn't honest with myself or you. You've moved on and I have accepted that.

 

This is my truth and if he ever contacts me again or vice versa doesn't change it.

[BC1980]

I get that now but I didn't before or I didn't completely. I want to get better. I kept feeling like I could fix it somehow. It just felt like if I did or said something differently it would be different.

 

You never see the situation for what it is when you are in it. I think it's impossible sometimes. My story was very similar to yours, and it played right to script. The exact same way mine did. Of course, back then, I would never have told you how my situation would end when I was in the middle of it.

 

I remember trying to explain my side of things to my ex. I wanted to tell him how hurt I was and how misled I felt. He looked really perplexed while I was talking and just didn't get it. About a year ago, my dad saw my ex and said my ex was talking to him like they were old friends. My ex told my dad he was confused about why I wouldn't engage in conversation with him at work. He thought we had ended on a good note and were friends. It just goes to show you that your ex does not see things the way you do.

 

I remember one of the issues in my last relationship was that I never wanted to speak my mind. I never wanted to speak up for my wants and needs, and that was mostly because I knew my ex would not by sympathetic to me. He didn't really care that much about my opinion, and I think that is a good gauge on a relationship. My ex never validated my needs during the relationship, so why would he do so outside of it?

[HurtinPDX]

I can so relate to what you have been through. I did similar cycles as you for the past several years. Each time it got worse. And worse. And...worse.

 

Here's the bottom line: YOU CANNOT MAKE IT BETTER. Nothing you can say to him will fix it. Nothing you can do will fix it. You will never change his mind. You have to accept that he will walk around for the rest of your life feeling free to think and do exactly as he pleases, and from the sounds of him, he will think and act like a complete loser. That is what is he is and will continue to be.

 

Now tell yourself you dodged a bullet. Because heaven forbid you married this douche. Can you imagine trying to raise kids in this scene? Want to deal with this forever? Of course not.

 

Here's a mantra that has helped me: I DON'T WANT THIS. Even if you think you deserve it (and you don't) tell yourself I DON'T WANT THIS. You can think you are a big loser (and you are not) and still DON'T WANT THIS. There are a million better ways to spend your time. Eat ice cream. Watch every stupid tv show you like. Travel. Make new friends. Be silly. Take new classes. Find a FWB if you are into that. Whatever you want. Anything is better than this loser. And don't go to the silly party. Do something spectacularly indulgent instead. Get a massage in a spa. Go to the beach with a friend.

[elephantflower]

I haven't written in a while because I think I don't want to face what I'm feeling... or maybe I don't understand it.

 

Since I last wrote, my ex is still blocked on all forms of communication and plan for it to stay that way.

 

After a lot of thought with my therapist and friends, I decided to go the Halloween party -- there were 500 people there so it was easy to avoid him.

 

I saw him out of the corner of my eye a few times and purposefully never made eye contact or in anyway showed that I noticed him. My friends later told me that they never saw him with a girl, any girl for that matter not even just talking to one. So I'm not sure if he made the girl up or what the deal was with that.

 

I actually ended up having a really fun time at the party. As far as I'm aware he didn't not try to talk or come up to me that the party.

 

However, even though he is blocked on my phone, my cell phone statement still shows attempts of people who are blocked -- he texted me twice on Halloween (before the time of the party) and then once the week after that. I obviously have no idea what he said because the messages were blocked.

 

Since everything that happened in October I've been doing okay. Trying to explain my emotional state is difficult because I'm not even sure I understand it. I am committed to sticking to keeping him out of my life -- I have been reading some books and I also post on another forum for people who were in relationships with people who were/are emotional abusive.

 

Most days I feel numb. Just in general with everything - I would say it's depression but my depression has always manifested itself with extreme sadness, crying, inability to function. This is more like -- not really happy or sad -- just there, just living.

 

I am dealing still with constant thoughts of things he said to me in the relationship (putting me down/treating me less than). I'm doing what I'm "supposed" to do regarding this and continuing to live my life -- I am social again in the sense that I go out with friends, go to parties, go out in the world but I don't really feel all there.

 

The thoughts are there constantly. I feel past the point of missing him or wanting to contact him. This is more like torturous replays of "you don't know how to do anything right"... Etc, etc. If you've follows the thread you know more specific instances.

 

I'm traveling in Europe for a month. The trip was planned after the breakup, about six months ago. I think at the time I thought I would be farther along in my healing.

 

I'll be back in the US next week -- it's been a lonely time and has honestly given me no relief. Every dream is still about him (usually something negative).

 

I feel generally disconnected but without even sadness about it which I've never felt. Normally if I feel disconnected I'm sad that I can't connect. This feels like relief? Really no interest in meeting or talking to anyone on my trip. I'm friendly but haven't had an effort to hunt down friends or find train partners.

 

Most of the time I feel lost about my life. Like how did I not see how awful he had been and I will see repeated instances in my head that in hindsight should have been clues. Two years gone -- I feel too old to be doing this... Having the issues I had with my ex feels like something a 15 year old would go through.

 

But then I also grapple with maybe everything was true "you're lazy," "I do everything." I didn't think it was but maybe it was. Is that who I am and I don't even know it? Could I have been a better partner and I was just blind to how I was?

 

Panicking sometimes like its "too late" -- my therapist keeps reminding me that I have the rest of my life but I'm in my mid-30s and I don't know if I want to have kids and if I do I don't know if I want to have them when I'm 40?

 

Is this grief? How do I deal with these reoccurring feelings? How do I reconnect again? How much time does it take? I still haven't been able to date - I realize it "takes as long as it takes" but I've never experienced this. Even after a 10 year relationship, I was dipping my toes in the dating pool after 6 months - just getting back out there... Hopefully about the possibilities.

 

When do the dreams stop? The constant thoughts? The shame? Learning to trust again?

 

I still think of him and get angry and jealous when I think about him with someone else "someone better" but I think it's at least progress that I don't want to talk to him.

 

I was so excited about this trip but I now think maybe I'm still trying to run away from feelings but you can't do that. How do I face this in the most productive way?

 

This is exhausting. I'm tired.

[BC1980]

I'm so glad you came back to post. I can relate to everything you said. I remember how it all felt. For about a year, I went through my life in a daze, just doing what I needed to get by. So much of that time is a blur, and I have a hard time remembering details. I was just trying to absorb the waves of grief and self-doubt as they came. I also went on a trip about 8 months after my breakup, and I couldn't enjoy it. I went on the trip shortly after I began NC for good.

 

I think you are doing all the right things, but it takes a long time to feel better. Good job for keeping NC.

[Blanco]

You're doing the right thing and, despite what you may think, you're doing a good job. Look at it this way: You've at least stopped trying the same thing and expecting different results.

 

I suggest that the hollowness you're feeling now is a sign that you've finally accepted that things with this guy are finished. Until recently, you avoided at all costs staring into the abyss and experiencing the necessary journey of grieving to get past this relationship once and for all.

 

It's been close to nine months for me, and while I feel much better most of the time, I have my moments or even days where I still feel a bit shell-shocked by this major life change. I get frustrated with myself a lot of those times, but recently, I've thought back on what day-to-day life was like for me in those earliest months. Literally every day was me just trying to get by; exist without imploding; having any feelings of joy or happiness be brief reprieves from the emptiness and hurt I felt the rest of the time.

 

I'm not there yet, but I'm so much further along than I was even a few months ago. You will get there to if you just trust that feeling lousy or empty for a while is just some of the collateral damage to ultimately land in a better place.

[jphcbpa]

A day at a time...be gentle with yourself. There is no timeline on healing.

 

Stay the course, stay present as much as possible, create new memories, stay out of the stories that we tend to make up about what happened (he said/she said), focus on you and rebuilding your self-esteem. This has the feeling of family of origin healing. Don't worry about time.....this is a soul journey.

 

Peace

[elephantflower]

I'm back from my trip and feel horrible. The trip wasn't awful but it wasn't what I had expected in terms of any sort of relief from the constant torture in my mind. Any alone time I have is spent thinking of this, every dream -- it's horrible. I go out, I see friends, I travel, I have hobbies but nothing stops it.

 

As one poster mentioned it's not "he said/she said" reply. It's more things like me coming home from work and hugging my ex and him saying "you're so needy" -- but then the next day it could be competlely different he could say "thanks for the hug, I love you so much." Or it's me doing something nice like giving his mom and list of things he wanted to xmas and then him telling me "never to do that again because his mom had to return one of the things." It's him telling me I am "lazy and don't ever do anything" because I liked to read when I got home from work (after helping with dishes and dinner).

 

The things that reply aren't really fights because honestly we didn't really have that many. I'm not perfect at all but I didn't pick at him for things or tell him he was lazy or couldn't do anything. When I get upset I tend to shut down and say "I'm really upset right now I need some time to myself."

 

So it's like the things that happened feel unjustified or something. It's not like we were having an argument and I said something the he said something. That's not what this is - this is me waking up in the morning and saying "gosh, I didn't sleep well last night" and Jim saying "why?" and me saying "I'm not sure, I'm trying not to take sleeping pills so maybe my body is readjusting" and then him saying "ugh, you have excuses for everything!"

 

It's me remembering how I surprised him after he had been away for the weekend by getting his car detailed. When he got in the car he said "thanks. But you know you could have saved more money if you did the work yourself." And me just feeling so small.

 

I'm perfect and I'm sure there were things I did in the relationship but I don't know what they are. It's not normal for you to hug got partner when you get home fro

Work and have them tell you "you're needy." It's not normal for your partner to suggest a date night, for you to show up and then have your partner say "I feel like you except me to plan your whole weekend." When I explain he had suggested the date night and if he needed or wanted time to himself then he could have told me.

 

It's frustrating to not know what I actually court have improved on. One minute he was one way and one minute it was another. I never pressured him to always hang out with me - in fact I would regularly say "you should call so and so and go out - I know how much you love spending time with them." I would encourage him do things on his own but he still would always act like he had to babysit me but I don't understand why.

 

It was ****ed up and confusing and it doesn't leave my head. It's feeling like one minute he loved me so incredibly much and was so appreciative of me and our relationship and then next minute (sometimes literally) feeling like I was a horrible human being.

 

It's feeling resentful that I believed that he loved me, he asked me to move in because he wanted to take the next step and several weeks after when I said how happy I was and enjoyed seeing him every evening he said "yeah, but you're always just here." It's resentful that he said he wanted to buy ad house and have me live there and took me house hunting and got me excited. Talked about our future. Talked about how much I meant.

 

It's not understanding what the **** happened. Feeling one day he basically woke up and was like yeah, I want to break up. He went to work when he came home and I was in bed crying he said "why are you still in bed, you need to move on with your life." I as like you broke up with me 5 hours ago for no reason, let me collect my thoughts.

 

It's then him begging for me back saying how wrong he was and me believing him and thinking there was something wrong with him mentally and wanting to help. Then having a nightmare of a month where the words got worse and worse and worse to the point I was afraid to come home. I knew something would be wrong - everything. "You only cleaned today because you knew I would be mad if you didn't." "You didn't get the document I asked you to look for last night (even though where it needed to go didn't open until 10am and I woke up in the morning and it was at the building before they opened)." It is him berradijg me on the phone when I had a stomach bug (back and forth to the bathroom for hours) because I couldn't bring in the trash can. Me crying saying "I will do it but I can't do it right now. I'm on the toilet." And then him asking me to come watch the dogs (he was at a different locAtion) and explaining I wa sick but wanted to help but just needs to feel better. Him texting me over and over and over about "how does a little diahrrea stop you from bringing in trash cans? Sometimes you have to actually do things". Me turning off my phone so sick I couldn't take it. Him hours later emailing saying he was worried - me coming over and have him yell at me and tell me he didn't understand what my problem was.

 

Feeling so small. Feeling trapped. Feeling like no one understands.

 

Now still feeling small but angry. Wanting revenge. Wanting people to know how he really is. Hating that people thinks he's so patient and quiet and nice. Hating that I feel tortured by this.

 

I don't know how I can do this anymore.

[elephantflower]

I have been up for the past three hours crying and I can't stop. I don't know what's wrong anymore. I feel hopeless. I feel lost. I honestly feel like I won't feel better. I can't escape it and don't know what to do.

 

Sometimes I think about suicide because I don't know how else to stop the pain. I feel like I disappoint everyone. I feel like I'm not good enough.

 

When I think about my future there is a question mark. I don't like where I live. I don't like my job. My love life is non-existent. All of my friends are married and have children. It feels like there is so much to change but I don't even know where to start.

 

I can't leave my job because I have debt (still from my divorce - which I think I also feel resentful of because when I finally told my ex about this before we broke up he wasn't understanding at all. I never asked him for any money, I have a good jo and pay everything on time, etc my ex husband cost tens of thousands to divorce. It's being paid off its slow. When I told me ex (he asked why I didn't save a larger amount per month). I finally explained - I said I was embarrassed. He told me he didn't feel sorry for me and it was my fault because I could have lived with roommates or gotten another job.) I want to go back to school but that is more debt. I could move but I need my income. I have thought about getting a 2nd job but I'm not sure I can handle the stress. I don't know if these are excuses. I think about dating again and feel gloom - like no one will ever accept me. I feel shame.

 

I feel like I used to be more outgoing and now I feel like nothing.

 

I want to escape but have no where to go.

 

I don't know what to do.

[elephantflower]

I just got laid off from my job.

 

I'm having a nervous breakdown. I literally don't know what I'm going to do.

[BC1980]

I just got laid off from my job.

 

I'm having a nervous breakdown. I literally don't know what I'm going to do.

 

Oh dear. I was going to respond to your previous posts, but then I saw this one. I'm so sorry. I know this is a huge blow. Just take the day off from worrying, and tomorrow you can think practically about financial issues and trying to get a new job. I am certain I've asked this before, but do you have any family around to talk to? Any friends who can support you right now?

 

I got fired from a job one time, and it turned out to be a good thing in the long run. I know you can't see that right now, but this might be for the best.

[elephantflower]

This is the 4th time I've been fired in 5 years. I'm kind of done with everyone saying everything will be fine. Apparently it won't be fine. I can't say what industry I work in but it's violatatle -- I got laid off not for performance but because they eliminated the position. Or that's what they said.

 

All I hear is him saying "you must have done something." "You can't do anything right." I want to go back to school and do something else but I feel like I'm constantly in survival mode. Now even if I wanted to I can't because I have to get a job just to live. I can't make a plan when I don't have a way to make money.

 

I broke down in the room. That's never happened before. I got angry. They should have done this before my vacation. I could have saved the money;

 

I'm not 23. I don't fee like I have he luxury of having my life upheaved constantly. This is the 4th time I've gone through this.

 

I can't think. I called my parents and they wanted me to go to the hospital because I was hysterical. I do have my parents and a few very good friends - they are supportive and I do talk to them.

 

The thing that what everyone doesn't understand it the torture the has happened because of this relationship. I am crazy. I wasn't crazy like this after my divorce. It's constant, nonstop.

 

I don't know what to do this is just I can't even think right now. I am a failure. I really feel that way. The stupid hr lady is like "it will get better." Really? When does that happen? After a bad marriage and tons of therapy and losing jobs and then having hope and then being tortured mentally. I really don't understand anymore what I'm doings. This is pointless. There is nothing.

[BC1980]

I'm at a loss with how to respond. I think you were just barely hanging on, and losing your job was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Is there hope to get a new job? What do you want to go back to school and do? You can find a way. There is always a way. I went to nursing school with a lot of people who were doing it as a second career and were in crazy circumstances but somehow found a way to do it.

[elephantflower]

You are right that there is a way I just don't know what it is. I don't feel as thought I have the resources or money to figure it out but I will try. I don't have anything else but this to hold on to. I am trying to stay positive but I with I can deranged when people say "if will get better" because it haven't gotten better for years. I don't even want that much - all I've wanted was a steady job, steady place to live and a partner who loves me.

 

It gets really exhausting being told over and over how much a wonderful person I am, I don't deserve these things, and to hang in there. I don't know who's to feel better eve with therapy and medication and pills. How do I call a mother of two crying. About my life when they have so much other things to deal with them my pathetic self.

 

My mother was cruel yestrday. I know she loves me but she so so career focused. I called her at work just in hysterics. Like on the floor, I can't do this. She told me that she was really busy and that it was year end and maybe I should go to a p

Hospital but "I'm here for you". I have t received a phone call or text since 11am est yestrday. I got a text this morning saying "dear family, I am very busy at work and have reports due. Please do not call me. I appreciate your understanding." She is robotic. Excuse me, you can't tell your doctors -- I'm

Having an emergency I need to speak to my daughter for 10 minutes. Apparently not.

 

I also think she is going to be mad I won't be able to go to Europe with her next summers. She will never say it but t will be passive aggressive. I fee horrible - she had never been out do the country but I don't have a job and she was so excited.

 

She isn't decorating for xmas because it's too much work and only me and your father live here.

 

Ice queen.

 

I want to try to understand it's not hair about me but I don't know who to talk to. I need a hug. My parents said I can come stay ther rand do what? Listen to my dad blasting Fox News while my mom drinks herself into a coma with vodka after workZ. Sounds great.

[elephantflower]

I don't think I can do xmas this year.