Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[elephantflower]

A few weeks ago I went to the doctors to get a physical before my insurance runs out. My Pap smear came back abnormal and I apparently have high risk HPV (several strains). I have only have unprotected sex with two people in my life although I know you can get HPV through other means as well. Do I have a moral obligation to tel my ex about this? I haven't had sex with anyone but him in the past 3 years. It makes me wonder if he gave it to me... I will never know but I'm really upset about this.

 

They did a biopsy and the cells are precancerous. My doctor would like to do surgery.

[BC1980]

A few weeks ago I went to the doctors to get a physical before my insurance runs out. My Pap smear came back abnormal and I apparently have high risk HPV (several strains). I have only have unprotected sex with two people in my life although I know you can get HPV through other means as well. Do I have a moral obligation to tel my ex about this? I haven't had sex with anyone but him in the past 3 years. It makes me wonder if he gave it to me... I will never know but I'm really upset about this.

 

They did a biopsy and the cells are precancerous. My doctor would like to do surgery.

 

I think you should ask your doctor if your ex needs to be told. I'm glad you got the Pap smear, so you can go ahead and get this taken care of. I hate for you to contact your ex again. He probably did give it to you.

[elephantflower]

I feel like if I tell him he will find a way to blame it on me. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow and ask -- I know from reading that there is nothing he can do about it on his end so why should I tell him? But then I think about other women he might be with later and feel bad for them and think they should know but who knows if he would even tell them about it?

[BC1980]

I feel like if I tell him he will find a way to blame it on me. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow and ask -- I know from reading that there is nothing he can do about it on his end so why should I tell him? But then I think about other women he might be with later and feel bad for them and think they should know but who knows if he would even tell them about it?

 

I would'nt tell him if there is nothing he can do on his end. I was think gab the same thing too. He will try to blame it on you. As far as future women, you can't control that. I doubt he would tell them anyway.

[Candle037]

Hey get your doctors office to tell him - HPV can cause cancer. Also it can be anonymous and leave it up to him. Other women can be affected by this please notify your partners by the doctors office.

[BC1980]

Hey get your doctors office to tell him - HPV can cause cancer. Also it can be anonymous and leave it up to him. Other women can be affected by this please notify your partners by the doctors office.

 

I think it can only cause cervical cancer, so he wouldn't be affected. In all likelihood, he is the one that gave it to her.

Edited December 31, 2015 by BC1980

[thespacey1]

Thank you for your response.

 

The thing about it that is difficult to explain is that is happened all very slowly (until the very end). I didn’t actually even realize it was emotionally abusive until after the relationship was over and I spoke to my family, friends and therapist about what had been going on.

 

I know LOGICALLY that I should hate him and not miss him. There is this very weird part of me that DOES miss him though even though he treated me badly. I keep blaming myself even though I know I didn’t actually do anything.

 

I’m in intensive therapy now. The strange thing (for me) is that I considered myself a strong person – like I said, this didn’t just happen quickly… there was a buildup and little things at first which I brushed aside. By the end of January I DID leave him and want out and he asked me to come back and take a break… I believed that he wanted to work on our relationship.

 

He was so nice when I met him. It’s just so hard to see this is who he was under there – he had good relationships with all of his ex’s and said it was “just me” that made him act that way.

 

He has reached out to me a little bit -- I have maintained NC for 14 days.

Good for you @ NC.

 

You're so not alone. My ex was the exact same way. I left him, then made a bit so great decision to go back to him after he asked me. It was only for him to make things miserable for me.He was verbally and emotionally abusive, yet sweet and kind . that mix of good and bad is planned I feel in order to make the other person feel like they/we are going crazy.

 

My ex was an ex con, which didn't help anything. He was always paranoid about people trying g to "get over" on him. It made him always think I had an ulterior motive.I didn't.

 

You will get better once you sit with your pain then focus on you! And make happy thoughts about yourself. Feel good!

[stillafool]

I’m having a really difficult time this afternoon.

 

I keep thinking about how I broke up with him and he convinced me that he loved me and wanted to work it out… so I agreed to a break and really thought he could see how his behavior was affecting our relationship.

 

The day I left to go on a “break” he got back on OKC and then I found out he had met someone at a party and gotten her number. When I confronted him he said he was “lonely.” I think he is now dating the girl he met at the party. I just feel like crap. Has this happened to anyone else? I feel so used… after two years he didn’t even break up with me in person, he did it over the phone.

 

You HAD a bad boyfriend. They are out there and plenty of women have been through what you are going through now. That is why they break up with these guys and move on to a man who shows them respect. I think at this point you are missing having a man in your life, not him. If you are in extensive therapy to get over him, how is therapy helping?

[elephantflower]

My doctors office said that I do not need to tell him.

 

I'm having a really difficult time right now. I was feeling somewhat okay over the past week then all of the sudden again I'm in the depths of despair. I want to contact him for some reason.

 

I realize none of these things make sense. I don't know why I feel this way. I was in a 10 year relationship that ended and I was never like this. I've never been like this with any of my dating breakups. I feel insane.

 

It's a feeling like there was no closure, there was no reason, not understanding. I've never had that before so I feel like I'm stuck trying to piece things together. The thoughts don't stop.

 

I've had to stop therapy because I lost my job but it got to a point where I felt like it wasn't really helping anymore. I almost felt like my therapist didn't understand me. My friends think I need to see a therapist that specializes in trauma.

[elephantflower]

So I just logged into my email and there is an email from "Lyft" (similar to Uber) saying that my ex used my code and I have some free rides.

 

I don't remember sending my ex a code and if I did it would have been over a year ago. Is it possible I sent him a code (when we were together) that he applied to his account he never used? Or would he have to go back through the email to use it? I'm trying to figure out how this could have happened.

 

There was a time about 2 years ago we were at a party and I sent him a code but he is super super against any kind of taxis/uber etc and wouldn't use it. Could it have been from then?

 

If it is that's kind of infuriating because he would refuse to take any kind of cabs etc when we were together.

[elephantflower]

Ok I think you can enter the code and it stores it in the app. But it does tell you on the screen who the code is from... Seems wrong

[BC1980]

It's a feeling like there was no closure, there was no reason, not understanding. I've never had that before so I feel like I'm stuck trying to piece things together. The thoughts don't stop.

 

These feelings are why you want to contact him. You feel like he can give you some type of closure, understanding, or reason that would make sense. He can't. I can promise you that he can't give you any of those things. I remember all of these thoughts, so it's normal. I've seen other people struggle with similar thoughts, so I really think it's a universal thing. We like things to make sense. We like things to be tied up in a neat bow. But breakups aren't like that. A lot of stuff will never make sense, and endings are usually not neat.

 

I think that rather than seek one conversation that would explain things, you should look at the totality of the relationship for your answers. You were in the relationship too. You know what happened just as well as he does, so you don't need him to understand anything. I think the answers are usually there, but we don't want to face them. We try to make it more convoluted than necessary because if we keep seeking some big answer, we can delay going through the grief and moving onto better things. Change is scary. The devil you know often seems more appealing than facing a world of change.

 

I read a great book after my breakup called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot that was really helpful. It's cheaper than therapy, and it guides you through everything that you need to do to move on. I think you do need some guidance. I don't think you need to flounder about by yourself. All of this might turn out to be better in the end. You can move to a new place, go back to school, ect. Try to keep moving forward, and keep thinking positive thoughts about the future.

[NopeNah]

So I just logged into my email and there is an email from "Lyft" (similar to Uber) saying that my ex used my code and I have some free rides.

 

I don't remember sending my ex a code and if I did it would have been over a year ago. Is it possible I sent him a code (when we were together) that he applied to his account he never used? Or would he have to go back through the email to use it? I'm trying to figure out how this could have happened.

 

There was a time about 2 years ago we were at a party and I sent him a code but he is super super against any kind of taxis/uber etc and wouldn't use it. Could it have been from then?

 

If it is that's kind of infuriating because he would refuse to take any kind of cabs etc when we were together.

Change your code...then enjoy free rides. Also stop reading into everything he's doing,please.

[elephantflower]

Thank you. I'm actually feeling better this evening. I read some more on this forum and took a nap. I am really determined to get past this.

 

Honestly, I don't know what happened. He was kind of hot and cold at some points and was emotionally abusive like I didn't cook something right or I could have done such and such better. Those things are confusing to me because for me they make no sense - I've never had someone break up with me because I'm bad at directions and didn't cut something the "right" way. He told me I didn't know how to do anything right and I should know why we were breaking up. I was a good partner - I was supportive, patient and understanding of his mood swings and issues. I would often surprise him with notes or treats. Helped with housework. It just was never enough or food enough. I always felt "less than."

 

I get that I'll never get the answers.

[elephantflower]

I have been reading about covert abuse and there is something called "trauma bonding" that can happen in emotionally abusive relationships.

 

"Intermittent good-bad treatment triggers biological changes as well as emotional ones. Relationships based on intensity are actually the same as an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Interaction with your partner fosters a specific pattern of compulsive behavior and is not really an intimate relationship at all; it's an addiction.

 

These exploitative relationships form a trauma bond, a highly addictive attachment to a person who is hurting your. A person in a trauma bond is essentially addicted to a relationship with someone who is destructive and hurtful. Signs of a trauma bond include the inability to detach and self-destructive denial."

 

This sounds like me and from what I'm reading is very common when people come out of emotionally absuive situations. It helps me to read something like this because I feel less crazy. I definitely need to stay no contact and take control of this situation but it's helpful to know the way I feel has a reason. I've never felt like this after a breakup before.

[NopeNah]

I have been reading about covert abuse and there is something called "trauma bonding" that can happen in emotionally abusive relationships.

 

"Intermittent good-bad treatment triggers biological changes as well as emotional ones. Relationships based on intensity are actually the same as an addiction to drugs or alcohol. Interaction with your partner fosters a specific pattern of compulsive behavior and is not really an intimate relationship at all; it's an addiction.

 

These exploitative relationships form a trauma bond, a highly addictive attachment to a person who is hurting your. A person in a trauma bond is essentially addicted to a relationship with someone who is destructive and hurtful. Signs of a trauma bond include the inability to detach and self-destructive denial."

 

This sounds like me and from what I'm reading is very common when people come out of emotionally absuive situations. It helps me to read something like this because I feel less crazy. I definitely need to stay no contact and take control of this situation but it's helpful to know the way I feel has a reason. I've never felt like this after a breakup before.

While it's good to read/understand..It can also keep you 'trapped' trying to figure out why. Try a month without looking into it,or him,or anything. Just live your life in the now. Even this site can slowly start to keep you in a rut,after a while.

[elephantflower]

I've been doing better in the past three weeks. Getting out of the house where I lived and the city has been immensely helpful to me. I've started classes and a part-time job (for while I'm in school). I'm living with my parents for now. Being completely out of places and situations that trigger memories has been the most helpful for me.

 

Today I had to come back to the city for a few days. Immediately I had anxiety. I want to go back to my parent's house but I can't until I finish some things here. I hate being here. It's like a black cloud over me.

 

In addition, these triggers make me want to contact my ex. I'm not sure why exactly. It has been 13 weeks since we last spoke/texted/emailed. I have done a good job of no contact. He is still blocked on phone, email, facebook.

 

I don't know why suddenly I feel like i'm relapsing all over again and desperately want to speak to him.

[privategal]

Its common for times of growth or change...even if you feel happier or better..you still have an unexplainable desire to reach out.

You should just push through it.

The hurtful things he described are aweful. He treated you terribly and its gonna take another few months to feel better.

I do believe you were emotionally abused. In those cases it takes longer to heal.

Keep pushing through. The pain is normal, let it come and wash over you, get through it not around it. Face it.

And know once you healed you will be so much stronger and I am not saying that in a cliche way. The next girl will not tolerate this bs.

Chin up. Head high.

[elephantflower]

Thank you so much. It really helps (even after almost a year) to have validation for my feelings. I've never experienced the type of anguish that happened after this break up. I was in a 10 year relationship/marriage -- after he left it was obviously hard but nothing like the breakup after this 2 year relationship.

 

The things he did and said have absolutely changed me and continue to haunt me. Being away from the city and my triggers has helped to build up my confidence a little bit again. To be with lifelong friends. To have my own interests. When I am back in the city his voice is there constantly, telling me I am not good enough... I'm trying so hard to push through.

 

I need to keep hearing these things so I can move forward. I still haven't been able to write down everything he did in said -- it doesn't really matter now except for the fact that I think finally getting it all out and on "paper" could help me toward closure. I still get upset looking back at everything at happen and still can't believe I didn't see a lot of the behavior until after it was over. So I feel shame.

[elephantflower]

Having a weird evening and need to talk about it.

 

I have a tendency to attract men who really like me sexually. I have a classical hourglass figure -- I look very feminine and have a pretty face. There is much, much, much more depth to me than the way that I look but unfortunately, I feel many times people don't always see that. No matter what I wear it seems to happen. In a dating relationship, I am very sexual and comfortable -- experimenting and very open and I think a lot of men enjoy and appreciate that. Somehow I feel like that always seems to take precedence over anything else. I now am thinking back with my ex and wonder if he was only with me for the sex? I feel like I don't know what is real...

 

A guy I used to date about 3 years ago. And by "date," I mean we went out for a few weeks and it ended on okay terms... has been randomly emailing me occasionally or texting me. He has a girlfriend so I've kept responses really short and never contact him - only answer if he says hi. Previously, all his correspondences have been benign -- friendly, not flirty. He would say he was just checking to say how I was and was worried (had mentioned the breakup, etc). This gave me the impression that he genuinely cared about me as a person. I thought it was thoughtful just to see how I was...

 

I hadn't heard from him in 4 or 5 months and today he randomly texted me and asked how I was. I said fine and asked about him. He said he was worried because he hadn't seen me on facebook and thought I might not be okay. I explained it had been a rough year, etc. and I appreciated him reaching out. I asked about his relationship - and he said it was going great. I said that was awesome and I was glad he was happy.

 

Then he said "except for the bedroom." And I said "oh, sorry to hear that. Hope things get better." He then asked me if I would be interested in a threesome - they are thinking of inviting a third person in.

 

This has happened to me numerous times. The men I date seem to come back, years later, talking about our sex life, how they are thinking about it. In a weird way, I guess it's flattering but the deeper part of me is offended and EXTREMELY upset by these advances -- not just by this person but any of the men I've dated.

 

It's like - I don't want to date you but god, the sex was amazing and I can't stop thinking about you and still want to sleep with you... it makes me feel like an object. It makes me feel like crap.

 

I said "so that's actually why you contacted me? Not because you just wanted to say hi?" He said "well no, I was thinking about you separately too."

 

It's one thing to just text me trashy stuff from the get go... but to act like you are my friend or you actually care is just so rude to me. I can't really imagine acting like that to someone... you just told me your girlfriend was your "partner in crime" etc etc. I just started bawling in my house. Is this how all men are? I hate them. I hate everyone right now.

Edited January 19, 2016 by elephantflower

[dyna85]

Hi elephantflower, I do not think it's all men who do this and on the flip side to how you're viewing it, at least you didn't end up with a guy like this. It's kind of a blessing, to show that you are way better off without the person, since his true colors have shown, and the same with any of your exes that do the same thing.

 

It sucks that when it rains it seems to pour. It seems like whenever a breakup happens, your will and faith is tested in so many ways, so I think this is just part of the journey to becoming a stronger you. You just have to ride out the tide.

 

I think it's just extra tough because you're already feeling broken, so anything else that is unpleasant and/or unsettling just compounds the pain.

 

I know it's tough and to have stuff like this recur is quite unsettling, but it's also a good pattern to uncover. I think once you get the pattern figured out, you're one step closer to getting your life back on track. I'm not quite sure how it works, but I do think that recognizing patterns is a good thing.

 

It's not all guys that do this though. There are guys out there who would not do this. Also, it's not your fault that they're doing this, though I can imagine it would be upsetting.

 

The positives: a) they're not part of your life anymore so you at least know you dodged a bullet. b) not all guys are like this. c) you are more than just a sex object and don't let these guys convince you of otherwise, because that's just foolishness.

 

Again, it's a test of your will and the battle is more with yourself than anyone else in this life.. because your mind can really eff with you, ESP after a breakup.

[jphcbpa]

Consider this a gift that is just now coming to the surface and a prize for doing some work on yourself. The guy asking for a 3some helped bring this awareness up to be properly processed and faced.

 

Seeing this reality will help change the type of man you attract in the future. Ask the universe or whatever you believe in to help show you more truth and for assistance on what areas of your inner/outer self you can alter to create a newer dating vibration.

 

This is a pearl to polish and embrace. Do so with love and acceptance.

[elephantflower]

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to take a break from the site to try and heal more and not think about this so much -- try my best to focus on other things.

 

Unfortunately, I am still not doing well. I'm still having trouble living in general -- I realize this sounds incredibly dramatic but it's what I'm dealing with on a daily basis.

 

To be clear, I'm not missing my ex but I'm still in terrible pain over what he did. I am dealing with low self esteem and a crippled sense of what I thougth life was and now what I think it is.

 

As of the middle of October (please see previous posts for details) -- I completely blocked my ex everywhere. Facebook, phone, email, etc. There were about 2 weeks in January that I actually was doing really well and felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak... however, I dont know what happened but I completely fell back into despair.

 

In the middle of February, my phone had to be reset (all data erased, etc)... when this was done I did not reblock my exs number because honestly I didn't think about it... I also didnt have it.

 

About 2 weeks after this, out of the blue I got a text from my ex. I was horrified. I had not had any contact with him in almost 4-5 months. He wrote me saying "I thought you might be going to xyz party and wanted you know know I will be there. I'm seeing someone and she might be there."

 

I can't really describe my reaction. It was like I had a nervous breakdown. I had already been doing horribly even in no contact... my life was in piece (or so it felt). And I stupidly wrote back and asked him if it was the same girl as Halloween (see previous posts). No, he said, that girl had dumped him. This was someone he met a few days after and things had "moved very quickly." They were "exclusive" already.

 

He then went into saying how guilty he felt for how he had treated me. And told me to contact him "anytime if you want to talk or are feeling low" What?! I don't know where this came from and honestly I don't believe him. Suddenly after more than a year you feel guilty? **** you.

 

I dont even know what else to write. After this exchange I obviously reblocked him but in addition felt like I had to compeltely delete all of my social media accounts for fear he would try and contact me someone on them... so goodbye facebook, linkedin, pinterest, all of them.

 

It sounds insane but I feel insane right now. I wish I had never met him. This entire thing has ruined my life. I am a shell of who I used to be before the relationship.

 

I urge anyone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship or sees flags early on to get out immediately! The aftermath is far worse than anything that happens during.

 

I think in addition there is a horrible disdain for people associated with him (friends/family) because they don't see who he is. And I'm angered because he has seemingly gone about his life with everyone thinking he is awesome and sweet and nice and kind.

Edited March 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[yellowhibiscus]

Elephant flower,

I just recently got out of an emotionally abusive relationship similar to yours. Reading your posts has helped validate a lot of what I am going through right now. Sometimes I literally feel like I am crazy because he treated me so bad but still does not accept any kind of responsibility for what he has done. I've been called crazy, psychotic, [], idiot, the reason he drinks, insane...all because I chose to stick up for myself or share my feelings. My ex spent 4 years convinced I was cheating on him, making me feel dirty and unloved. It really does mess with your brain. I just want you to know that even though you feel like you haven't made a lot of progress, you have. Every day is another day further -don't give up. Continue to keep him blocked. Don't respond to anything he writes and realize that what he thinks of you is not who you really are. He feels guilty now because you took control of the situation and are not talking to him. This doesn't mean he has changed at all....he will continue to do the same things to every relationship he is in unless HE gets therapy. But that's nothing you can control. You are a beautiful, smart, caring, compassionate person who is deserving of love. He doesn't deserve one more minute of your time or energy. Not all men out there are like the two you have dated....there are good ones. Before that happens though, you need to realize how utterly special you are! You have such a compassionate and caring heart- now its time to be compassionate and caring to yourself. There's no timeline for healing....if anything, know that you will come out of this situation stronger and much more wiser than before. Wishing you lots of strength and love!

Edited March 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[Kelsy]

Hi

 

I am going through something similar. I know how you feel. My break up was almost at the same time. But after BU he was acting hot and cold, wanted to get back together, then disappeared 2 months ago and treated me like s.. at the end. Found someone else I guess. This hot and cold treatment made me crazy. I made some mistakes too (was too emotional etc) and cant get over this. But at the same time I didnt deserve this s... behaviour. I feel so low and worthless.

I dont know how to get over this. Like you I cant visit some places that brings back memories.

 

 

I hope we will get over it and find a better man.