Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[BC1980]

I think you also have to be careful about sending a message because it opens the door to more contact. He might send a message back, and it might start another cycle of this. If you send the message, go with the shortest message.

[elephantflower]

I think everyone is right. I have not written him back and am planning on just trying to move forward. Feeling incredibly sad and lonely. Trying so hard to focus on what is in front of me but sometimes that feels so empty. I struggle with being at peace where I am. I fight feeling jealous of my friends who have a significant other -- I am sick of going to every party and function alone. I am sick of never feeling like things work out. I want to be content with where I am but I feel like I'm never going to be happy.

 

I want to run away but I can't escape myself. This has become so much greater than the breakup. I want to look at see happiness but I just see nothingness. I want to find my place but feel like there is no room. I feel myself retreating further and further into blackness.

 

I don't know how to get better.

[54JA]

I think everyone is right. I have not written him back and am planning on just trying to move forward. Feeling incredibly sad and lonely. Trying so hard to focus on what is in front of me but sometimes that feels so empty. I struggle with being at peace where I am. I fight feeling jealous of my friends who have a significant other -- I am sick of going to every party and function alone. I am sick of never feeling like things work out. I want to be content with where I am but I feel like I'm never going to be happy.

 

I want to run away but I can't escape myself. This has become so much greater than the breakup. I want to look at see happiness but I just see nothingness. I want to find my place but feel like there is no room. I feel myself retreating further and further into blackness.

 

I don't know how to get better.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. But I think you made the right decision. A great decision.

 

I think this is why so many people avoid going NC. They are so afraid of facing what you are facing now. They would do anything to escape from it, even if it's temporary, by contacting their exes. For some of us, the experience is more about ourselves, not just about the breakup, as you described. The experience forces us to think about our abilities to make ourselves happy all on our own. Sometime, it reveals the extent to which we rely on others to fulfill our basic needs, like our need to feel good about ourselves. I think that these are important questions that we need to ask ourselves from time to time. By coping with the breakup in a healthy way, I think you are going to learn so much and grow so much. But, please take it easy and don't try to find the answers for all your questions all at once. Like you said, focus on what's in front of you for now. Please be kind to yourself. Hang in there.

[always.1985]

This message was actually really sad to read. I am so sorry you have had to go through all of that. He has treated you awfully and I can imagine you self esteem has taken a beating. In a way this reminds me of my situation, the fact that your ex was so nice at the start and suddenly changed....blaming everything on you. Even after they've treated you like **** you still miss them.

Its horrible how they have this power over us.... You cannot blame yourself for any of this....I know its easier said than done but you need to think about YOU now and start to rebuild your confidence back. Good luck and take care xxxx

[Jemay]

I think everyone is right. I have not written him back and am planning on just trying to move forward. Feeling incredibly sad and lonely. Trying so hard to focus on what is in front of me but sometimes that feels so empty. I struggle with being at peace where I am. I fight feeling jealous of my friends who have a significant other -- I am sick of going to every party and function alone. I am sick of never feeling like things work out. I want to be content with where I am but I feel like I'm never going to be happy.

 

I want to run away but I can't escape myself. This has become so much greater than the breakup. I want to look at see happiness but I just see nothingness. I want to find my place but feel like there is no room. I feel myself retreating further and further into blackness.

 

I don't know how to get better.

 

Unfortunately most of us know exactly what you're going through, how you're feeling.... it's absolutely ****ty and horrid. All I can offer you, and I know it won't help all that much right now, is the promise that time does heal all wounds, you WILL get through this, and you will find happiness again. Get through this, be proud of yourself that you are setting healthy boundaries for yourself, be proud that you're facing your fears. Once all this heaviness fades, you will have room in your life for a man who will treat you with the love and kindness you deserve. And you will have your self-respect. In the meantime, hang in there, one day at a time honey, things will get better xoxxo

[elephantflower]

Hi Everyone,

I had my therapy appointment today. My therapist thinks that I need to write a note to my ex letting him know I do not want to speak to him. She said it should focus on me and not attack him… something like “I do not think we can be friends – this has hindered my healing process and I am moving on. Good luck with everything in the future.”

 

I have mixed feelings about it still. I think because 1) it seems really final however after talking through it I feel like no contact is the only way for me to move on. The breakup was almost 6 months ago and he also acted wishy washy in our relationship. Things are not going to change. He is not even acting like a friend (not saying I could handle it anyway but just saying…). 2) I worry, as BC1980 said, that I might open communication again.

 

My therapist said I need to write it and then block him or filer him out. I’m really nervous.

 

What do you think?

[Ariess10]

Hi Everyone,

I had my therapy appointment today. My therapist thinks that I need to write a note to my ex letting him know I do not want to speak to him. She said it should focus on me and not attack him… something like “I do not think we can be friends – this has hindered my healing process and I am moving on. Good luck with everything in the future.”

 

I have mixed feelings about it still. I think because 1) it seems really final however after talking through it I feel like no contact is the only way for me to move on. The breakup was almost 6 months ago and he also acted wishy washy in our relationship. Things are not going to change. He is not even acting like a friend (not saying I could handle it anyway but just saying…). 2) I worry, as BC1980 said, that I might open communication again.

 

My therapist said I need to write it and then block him or filer him out. I’m really nervous.

 

What do you think?

why? Don't give him anymore time and just block him on everything and go nc .. Healing isn't about your ex it's about YOU

[Eighty_nine]

Hi Everyone,

I had my therapy appointment today. My therapist thinks that I need to write a note to my ex letting him know I do not want to speak to him. She said it should focus on me and not attack him… something like “I do not think we can be friends – this has hindered my healing process and I am moving on. Good luck with everything in the future.”

 

I have mixed feelings about it still. I think because 1) it seems really final however after talking through it I feel like no contact is the only way for me to move on. The breakup was almost 6 months ago and he also acted wishy washy in our relationship. Things are not going to change. He is not even acting like a friend (not saying I could handle it anyway but just saying…). 2) I worry, as BC1980 said, that I might open communication again.

 

My therapist said I need to write it and then block him or filer him out. I’m really nervous.

 

What do you think?

 

reading your last few posts have been painful, because i feel like you're on a path to opening a door to even MORE hurt for yourself. NO long message or explanation-- he doesn't deserve that, and he will respect you even less saying “I do not think we can be friends – this has hindered my healing process and I am moving on. Good luck with everything in the future.” is fine- absolutely not a word more. Personally, I'd leave out the part about hindering your healing process, just bc it will stroke his ego.

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're suffering. Please, please send an extremely brief message, delete his number, block it, block him on email and all social media. Only then will you begin to move on, and it WILL get worse before it gets better, but you will eventually find some peace, I promise. But you have to begin, and stop stalling the finality of NC.

[elephantflower]

It's interesting because I said the same thing to my therapist. I just wanted to say "We cannot be friends. good luck" and she suggested I put something about my healing. She said it wasn't about him, that is was about me and it doesnt matter what he says. But I am really still thinking I dont say anything and just block everywhere. I really feel like it will be worse to write to him and could open the door on this even more.

[elephantflower]

I think her feeling was that if I'm not clear that he will find a way to contact me so I should be clear that I am moving forward and I don't want to speak with him.

[BC1980]

I think that no matter what you say, he will find a way to contact you again if he really wants to. I guess what I'm saying is that you don't need to give a reason for NC. He knows the reason without you spelling it out. It's pretty much common sense after a breakup. Message or not, we don't know if he will respect it. I told my ex that it was difficult to grieve with him popping up on my radar when he felt like it, and, months later, he still found passive ways to try to get at me. Ignoring his attempts finally made him go away. I haven't heard a peep since February. Explaining it never worked for me.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you should write the note, but not send it. If it's for "you", then why the hell does he need to read it? Plus, he knows how to easily and skillfully manipulate you, so why even give him the opportunity?

[elephantflower]

I think everyone is still right. I'm glad I came back on here. I tried to explain the same thing to her and she kept saying "it doesn't matter what he thinks." But honestly, I think it will stir it up more and almost present a "challenge" to him if I tell him I don't want to speak with him. I also agree that no matter what I do he will probably try to reach me someway. I'm going to go with what I'm doing now and just block things -- I feel better now about doing that and not guilty anymore. I tried the avenue of seeing if we could be "friends" and I can't do it (and he is kind of crazy) so now I'm doing it this way.

 

I have: defriended him from facebook; changed my email address (I did this several months ago but kept my old one open) and finally deleted the one he has; blocked his number on my phone.

[Eighty_nine]

It's interesting because I said the same thing to my therapist. I just wanted to say "We cannot be friends. good luck" and she suggested I put something about my healing. She said it wasn't about him, that is was about me and it doesnt matter what he says. But I am really still thinking I dont say anything and just block everywhere. I really feel like it will be worse to write to him and could open the door on this even more.

 

It's completely true though that people like this don't care about our healing. My ex proved as much time and again. So it just ends up being an ego stroke. "I don't think we can be friends. Good luck with everything, take care" is plenty, more than enough.

 

He likely won't respect you if you 1) say nothing and block him 2) send a long explanation 3) send a brief, final note. My point is, there's almost nothing you can do to get this guy to respect you because he is an as*hole. I'm suggesting sending a brief last message so you feel some closure for yourself, so you don't backtrack and think "I should have at least let him know why I'm blocking him."

[Ariess10]

I think everyone is still right. I'm glad I came back on here. I tried to explain the same thing to her and she kept saying "it doesn't matter what he thinks." But honestly, I think it will stir it up more and almost present a "challenge" to him if I tell him I don't want to speak with him. I also agree that no matter what I do he will probably try to reach me someway. I'm going to go with what I'm doing now and just block things -- I feel better now about doing that and not guilty anymore. I tried the avenue of seeing if we could be "friends" and I can't do it (and he is kind of crazy) so now I'm doing it this way.

 

I have: defriended him from facebook; changed my email address (I did this several months ago but kept my old one open) and finally deleted the one he has; blocked his number on my phone.

welcome to your healing journey , I hope you stick with it and in time it becomes easier.. Safe travels

[Zapbasket]

Oh my God. I read your post and it is crystal clear: go NC and never speak one word to him again. Yes, he was emotionally abusing you. Yes, on some level he knew what he was doing. No, he did not respect you--but please understand it is not about YOU but rather that he is an emotional abuser for whom relationship partners are merely punching bags. An abuser doesn't have to hit or yell to be an abuser.

 

The ONLY obligation you have right now is to yourself, to practice aggressive self care. DO NOT write to him. Just go silent and block any way he has of contacting you.

 

I am so sorry you endured this treatment for so long. Big hugs to you and I promise it will all eventually get better. For the time being, it's a tough road; surround yourself with love and positivity and keep working with your therapist.

[elephantflower]

Still sticking to no contact.

 

Feeling very depressed. As I mentioned, I really feel like this breakup brought up so many more issues for me that now it’s not even really about the break up. It’s about dealing with everything else… I think maybe in my mind I thought by this age I would have a partner. Not necessarily be married, but have a partner. I think I felt like in my last relationship that I had a partner, that he wanted to be a partner and then he suddenly turned on me. Everything that had kept me from opening up – all of my fears seemed to come true right before me. Every reason I had to not get into a relationship for 5 years happened. It doesn’t feel worth it anymore. Yet still, I day dream about meeting someone that I can travel with and do things with – it makes me feel sad. Even though I think about it the desire to actually do that is not there – I feel like a part of me died. I have zero desire to connect with anyone.. even the thought of going on a date makes me cry. I can only think about how horrible it will be.

 

I’m working on becoming more comfortable by myself. I already do so many things alone and by myself. Now I feel inadequate and my confidence is not there. I stay in my house and just go to work. I see friends very rarely and when I do I feel closed off. I feel like I want to go back to my house and be alone. I want to run away. I want to start over. I want to feel happy. I don’t know how to get there and I’m worried. It feels like everyone else can move on, that everyone else has stable relationships and is getting married. Why were the two only relationships I’ve had been so awful – looking back I’m not sure if I ever felt truly loved by these men. There was always some sort of hesitation on their part which made me feel strange. And with the most recent one – he went from being hesitant to being all in. I remember feeling like it was because I was patient and I was so happy. We were so connected and then just as quickly as we were --- he morphed into something horrible. I let my guard down and everything was taken.

[Zapbasket]

Still sticking to no contact.

 

Feeling very depressed. As I mentioned, I really feel like this breakup brought up so many more issues for me that now it’s not even really about the break up. It’s about dealing with everything else… I think maybe in my mind I thought by this age I would have a partner. Not necessarily be married, but have a partner. I think I felt like in my last relationship that I had a partner, that he wanted to be a partner and then he suddenly turned on me. Everything that had kept me from opening up – all of my fears seemed to come true right before me. Every reason I had to not get into a relationship for 5 years happened. It doesn’t feel worth it anymore. Yet still, I day dream about meeting someone that I can travel with and do things with – it makes me feel sad. Even though I think about it the desire to actually do that is not there – I feel like a part of me died. I have zero desire to connect with anyone.. even the thought of going on a date makes me cry. I can only think about how horrible it will be.

 

I’m working on becoming more comfortable by myself. I already do so many things alone and by myself. Now I feel inadequate and my confidence is not there. I stay in my house and just go to work. I see friends very rarely and when I do I feel closed off. I feel like I want to go back to my house and be alone. I want to run away. I want to start over. I want to feel happy. I don’t know how to get there and I’m worried. It feels like everyone else can move on, that everyone else has stable relationships and is getting married. Why were the two only relationships I’ve had been so awful – looking back I’m not sure if I ever felt truly loved by these men. There was always some sort of hesitation on their part which made me feel strange. And with the most recent one – he went from being hesitant to being all in. I remember feeling like it was because I was patient and I was so happy. We were so connected and then just as quickly as we were --- he morphed into something horrible. I let my guard down and everything was taken.

 

I could have written this post myself. Especially the things you wrote that I bolded. Perhaps this relationship will be what one terrific person I met on here dubs an "epiphany relationship," i.e., a relationship that reveals all of your broken parts, one that, if you heed the lessons it has to teach, will drive you forward into a happier future with healthier relationships and a more self-loving you.

 

What you say about all your worst fears about relationships coming true is something I've discovered, too, in my relationships--the uncanny way your conditioning, expectations, fears, etc. can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. When we have unhealthy beliefs about ourselves (not being "good enough," etc.), ironically we tend to pick the very partners and life experiences that validate those unhealthy beliefs. What we see inside, becomes what we are drawn to outside. And complicating things further is that often we are caught in patterns of living out our unhealthy beliefs that we can't recognize without some hard time put in with a good therapist. For instance, I think I have a pretty good opinion of myself overall--I like the person I am, and I conduct myself for the most part with confidence. However, I have uncovered these deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and fear of being abandoned due to not being "enough" that have led me to accept poor treatment from others, even while my instincts were screaming that it was not right.

 

I, too, have only had poor, hurtful romantic relationships. I tried so hard, and yet no man I was with, looking back, really treated me consistently with love and respect. I put up with so much disrespect, and overlooked so many red flags, and why? Because I didn't trust myself enough or believe in myself enough to walk away. I started feeling confused, asking myself whether I did anything to "cause" their behavior, feeling like it must be my fault. That's the kind of unhealthy thinking that blocks you from exiting an unfulfilling relationship. You can't control anyone's behavior, and you're not responsible for anyone's behavior, but your own. It takes real courage and faith in one's own perceptions and self-worth to break away from relationships where you feel any combination of neglected, unloved, disrespected, belittled, or "not enough," or even where you're just not seeing things progressing towards what you want.

 

It sounds trite, because we hear it all the time, but the truth of it is anything but: the relationship you have with yourself, is the relationship you will have to everyone and everything around you. If you are finding yourself in a pattern of unhappy relationships, it's because some part of you is failing to love and care for YOU enough. It's really true. And changing into a more self-loving person is not something you can just decide to do and then do it. You have to undergo a long period of hard, and mostly painful, self-examination.

 

It sounds like you are at the cusp of this work. Find a good therapist and I promise you any amount of money you pay for any length of time will be worth it, if you can begin to recognize ways you don't love yourself (mostly old beliefs that lurk in your sub-conscious and exert the greatest influence on who you attract into your life and form a bond with).

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It does get better, I promise you that. You are very much NOT alone; I promise you that, too.

[elephantflower]

Hi Everyone --

I could use some more advice. After a few days I started to feel guilty about not saying anything so I wrote a quick email that said "I think you are right, I do not think we can be friends. Good luck with everything in the future." I was at work when I sent it and after a meeting went back to shut down the account for good.

 

When I came back he had written me twice. The first email said "Why would you say that?!?!"

 

Then about an hour later he sent a second email that said "Is everything okay?"

 

This is the type of stuff that makes me feel bad. I don't know how to respond anymore. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm just so sad and confused. He treats me like crap then acts nice, then ignores me then is nice. I feel bad not answering him if he thinks something is not okay. I don't know what to do.

[elephantflower]

Now he just tried to call me. I didn't answer.

 

This is so hard. I never should have written him.

[elephantflower]

Maybe that is why my therapist thought I should add more into the email. I am worried about responding and it turning into a big thing or having him say something mean. He could be nice or he could be rude - I just don't know with him.

[pidgeon1010]

You haven't learned how to look out for numero uno and that's the problem. Why do you care so much how someone who broke up with you is feeling and thinking? You should also remember that this is a choice he made so even if he is emotionally distraught or sad that you can't be friends, that is a future he is ready and willing to live with. He made the choice that he no longer wanted you in his life when he broke up with you. Just like relationships are not guaranteed to last, a friendship after a breakup is not guaranteed.

 

That's why it is very important to stick to NC and clear your head/mind and heart because usually when you break NC, it brings up more questions than answers and you end up going back to square one! You owe this man no explanations. Please look out for your sanity and emotionally well-being.

Edited July 24, 2015 by pidgeon1010

[elephantflower]

There was no contact after my last entries but I hadn't erased my old email account.

 

I looked at it today and he had written me again to tell me that he doesn't understand why I think he got over everything so quickly, that he is still dealing with it too. That he thinks people can be friends once they have moved on.

 

I don't know why he wrote this. I feel heart broken. I miss him. I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I dont like that he told me it's still hard for him too. It makes me feel like everything was a mistake, like we should be together.

 

I don't know how to cope anymore with anything. I am a shell of myself. I go to work, come home, walk my dog and lay in bed. I don't go out. I don't see friends. I have no desire to do anything. I dont want to be around people or talk to people or be in social situations.

 

I plan my next vacation - it is the only thing I have to look forward to. I dont know how to enjoy life again. Everything feels pointless and empty. I can't live this way but I dont know how to stop it.

[Simon Phoenix]

There was no contact after my last entries but I hadn't erased my old email account.

 

I looked at it today and he had written me again to tell me that he doesn't understand why I think he got over everything so quickly, that he is still dealing with it too. That he thinks people can be friends once they have moved on.

 

I don't know why he wrote this. I feel heart broken. I miss him. I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I dont like that he told me it's still hard for him too. It makes me feel like everything was a mistake, like we should be together.

 

I don't know how to cope anymore with anything. I am a shell of myself. I go to work, come home, walk my dog and lay in bed. I don't go out. I don't see friends. I have no desire to do anything. I dont want to be around people or talk to people or be in social situations.

 

I plan my next vacation - it is the only thing I have to look forward to. I dont know how to enjoy life again. Everything feels pointless and empty. I can't live this way but I dont know how to stop it.

 

Until you actually go No Contact and stay No Contact, this is the way it's going to be. Everytime you allow one of his e-mails to go through, every time you read that e-mail, everytime you send something, all you are doing is taking steps back. The only way to move forward is to completely remove yourself from everything that has to do with him. You refuse to do that, which is why you've been in neutral, if not periodically backsliding, for several months.

 

You are trying to do everything else but the one fundamental thing you need to do. And yes, that fundamental thing is hard, but things worth doing are hard. You can either suck it up, take the hit now and move forward faster down the road or you just sludge around like a emotional sloth like you've done for months. It's really up to you. But I would think at this point you'd realize that taking the occasional drag of the cigarettes you are trying to quit isn't exactly helping cure your addiction. It's arguably made it worse.

[Phoenixashes]

You've wasted enough time dragging around the carcass of a dead horse. Enough. He was ok before he met you and be will be ok after. you want things to stop? Block everything and stop engaging him.

 

Or be trapped in this miserable cycle. Your choice.