Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[BC1980]

Just answer one thing for me: why do you sacrifice your emotional well being for the sake of his? I think that once you start to unpack the answer to that question, you will begin to make progress and understand how little you value yourself.

[BC1980]

Maybe that is why my therapist thought I should add more into the email.

 

No, because no matter what you explain in the email, it mighr not be enough for him. Less is more in this case. The substance of the email is not the issue. It's the fact that any contact gives him an opening to get to you.

[LYNNLH]

You haven't learned how to look out for numero uno and that's the problem. Why do you care so much how someone who broke up with you is feeling and thinking? You should also remember that this is a choice he made so even if he is emotionally distraught or sad that you can't be friends, that is a future he is ready and willing to live with. He made the choice that he no longer wanted you in his life when he broke up with you. Just like relationships are not guaranteed to last, a friendship after a breakup is not guaranteed.

 

That's why it is very important to stick to NC and clear your head/mind and heart because usually when you break NC, it brings up more questions than answers and you end up going back to square one! You owe this man no explanations. Please look out for your sanity and emotionally well-being.

 

Totally agree with pidgeon.

 

My ex recently sent me a text : You will always be a part of my life. You always are.

 

I read it deleted it and moved on.

 

I admitted I did feel a lil' tingle in my heart but I am over him. To this kind of things he said Post BU. None of any once in the blue moon mushy stuff he wrote to me means anything anymore.

 

When these people choose to leave us, let them go. Remind yourself of what they say and do on the day they decided to break up with you. Tell yourself. You have more worth than they think you have.

 

Other things they say to you post BU do not matter anymore.

[pidgeon1010]

Most of us on here have heard similar sentiments from dumpers. My ex said the same things, etc. I chose NC for my sanity and to heal and move on. Despite all the sentimental expressions, one thing remains constant- you are not together because that's what he wants. No matter how difficult it is for him, no matter how depressed he is, he is moving on. If that doesn't get you to go full NC and move on, I don't know what else will. You have all the power to change the way you are feeling. You really do.

[BC1980]

Most of us on here have heard similar sentiments from dumpers. My ex said the same things, etc. I chose NC for my sanity and to heal and move on. Despite all the sentimental expressions, one thing remains constant- you are not together because that's what he wants. No matter how difficult it is for him, no matter how depressed he is, he is moving on. If that doesn't get you to go full NC and move on, I don't know what else will. You have all the power to change the way you are feeling. You really do.

 

Exactly. I went through the same thing. It's really common for an ex to want to remain "friends" after a breakup for various reasons. Trust me when I say that your ex is probably looking to date someone else while being friends with you for backup. That should make you mad enough to cut contact.

[elephantflower]

Sometimes I feel mad but most of the time I feel really sad. I miss him still, even now after 6 months. I feel lost.

 

I'm still following all of the advice on here and have not contacted. But it's still just as hard as day 1. It's hard to feel like someone still loves you and you still love them but there is some block inside of them that won't let them open up. Hearing him say that he isn't over it and he was filling a void made it harder. I thought he had just moved on to other people but I guess that wasn't the case.

 

As I've said many times I'm having a hard time also because I don't feel connected to tons of people and now with feeling depressed and anxious I don't want to go out. When I do meet up wth friends or go out I still feel like I have to avoid everywhere my ex could be. Many of the things I enjoy I know I will run into him - some of my hobbies there are only 1-2 places to go to do them... I don't want to keep avoiding life but I feel trapped by this. Our lives were extremely enmeshed. We lived together and share same hobbies and shared many people who I thought were my friends (150 shared friends on Facebook). I don't want to run into them either. I'm feel abandoned by them too.

 

I want to move and start over. I want to leave this behind so I can actually move forward. I feel like I will never love again and will always be alone.

[foolinlove79]

Im 2.5 months and feel the same. I avoid going yo places i may run into him. I avoid mutual friends. I hate that he is happy with someone else. I force myself to go out but i feel empty inside. I feel i will never connect with another person again. Im not sure i want to

[BC1980]

Sometimes I feel mad but most of the time I feel really sad. I miss him still, even now after 6 months. I feel lost.

 

I'm still following all of the advice on here and have not contacted. But it's still just as hard as day 1. It's hard to feel like someone still loves you and you still love them but there is some block inside of them that won't let them open up. Hearing him say that he isn't over it and he was filling a void made it harder. I thought he had just moved on to other people but I guess that wasn't the case.

 

As I've said many times I'm having a hard time also because I don't feel connected to tons of people and now with feeling depressed and anxious I don't want to go out. When I do meet up wth friends or go out I still feel like I have to avoid everywhere my ex could be. Many of the things I enjoy I know I will run into him - some of my hobbies there are only 1-2 places to go to do them... I don't want to keep avoiding life but I feel trapped by this. Our lives were extremely enmeshed. We lived together and share same hobbies and shared many people who I thought were my friends (150 shared friends on Facebook). I don't want to run into them either. I'm feel abandoned by them too.

 

I want to move and start over. I want to leave this behind so I can actually move forward. I feel like I will never love again and will always be alone.

 

It takes a long time if you were that enmeshed. I was too, and it took me at least a year to feel free. It happens gradually though, a few things at a time. I would give it a little while before making the decision to move.

[elephantflower]

Did you feel trapped? I feel like everything and everywhere I want to go, I know someone from that group. I don't like that - it feels like I can't be free of it at all and don't have any time where I'm not thinking of it or being reminded of it. Everyone says give it time but I'm not meeting new people because I'm so fearful of running into people I know from that group.

 

I wish there was a way to forget this. This is so painful. It is hard to see a new life for myself. I don't know how to get there and I don't know how to feel better. My anxiety is so out of control I don't like being around anyone I don't know - I am fearful. It feels like I can't trust anyone.

[elephantflower]

It has been about 4.5 weeks of no contact. He has not tried to contact me again and I have not contacted him.

 

In general, things are not good. I feel awful constantly. I am still not sleeping well. My self-esteem is really low. I have started to hate my therapist -- I feel like she doesnt understand me anymore. I'm incredibly angry. I want to let go of the anger but it's there -- all the time.

 

I don't know how to move forward. I feel stuck. I feel like I can't do anything because there are common friends everywhere -- every event they are there. I can't escape it. I dont understand how I'm supposed to move forward when I can't get away from it.

 

I cry everyday. I use food now as a coping mechanism. I can't even imaging dating. I dont even remember what happiness feels like.

[elephantflower]

I've decided to completely get off facebook for now -- it is extremely sad for me to see people that I spent two years with -- having fun, being with my ex, having parties that I'm not invited too. I feel incredibly lonley and like a loser right now.

 

I wish I had more friends -- I think that was one of my favorite things about my relationship. I had a best friend to do things that I loved and I always had things to do on the weekends -- it was so fun.

 

I can be really shy and it can be hard for me to open up. I don't really have a "group" of friends. I just have a bunch of friends that aren't really related in anyway and most of them are married and live far from me.

 

I miss having a connection and someone to talk to about things and my day.

[Simon Phoenix]

I've decided to completely get off facebook for now -- it is extremely sad for me to see people that I spent two years with -- having fun, being with my ex, having parties that I'm not invited too. I feel incredibly lonley and like a loser right now.

 

I wish I had more friends -- I think that was one of my favorite things about my relationship. I had a best friend to do things that I loved and I always had things to do on the weekends -- it was so fun.

 

I can be really shy and it can be hard for me to open up. I don't really have a "group" of friends. I just have a bunch of friends that aren't really related in anyway and most of them are married and live far from me.

 

I miss having a connection and someone to talk to about things and my day.

 

Well, that should be your project as far as self-improvement goes -- learning to be more social and meet new people. It's never good to put all of your eggs in one basket, which you are sadly learning. This honestly is a great opportunity for you to break out of your shell and do some new things. I just hope you take it.

[elephantflower]

I didn't put my "eggs in one basket" -- I'm in almost my mid 30s so most of my friends are in a different stage with marriages and children.

 

I do have friends they are just not a "group" -- its not like 10 of us hang out. My ex had that and I really enjoyed it. It's been really hard to meet people as I've gotten older.

[Itspointless]

Try to pressure yourself to do things you used to like, make a lot of walks and if you have the opportunity regularly breath in fresh air in nature.

 

It takes a lot of time, but it will get better eventually.

[Simon Phoenix]

I didn't put my "eggs in one basket" -- I'm in almost my mid 30s so most of my friends are in a different stage with marriages and children.

 

I do have friends they are just not a "group" -- its not like 10 of us hang out. My ex had that and I really enjoyed it. It's been really hard to meet people as I've gotten older.

 

I'm in my mid-30s and have met quite a few new friends during this time of my life. Sure, it's not as easy as college or high school or even in your early-to-mid 20s, but it's not impossible either.

 

There's no need to recreate the old group. Find a new group (or even a friend or two) and take new adventures. Don't create excuses to hold yourself back.

[BC1980]

I'm in my mid-30s and have met quite a few new friends during this time of my life. Sure, it's not as easy as college or high school or even in your early-to-mid 20s, but it's not impossible either.

 

There's no need to recreate the old group. Find a new group (or even a friend or two) and take new adventures. Don't create excuses to hold yourself back.

 

Good advice. I've made several new friends in the past few years simply by being more open and willing to go out with different people. It takes time, and it's an investment like anything else.

[BC1980]

Did you feel trapped? I feel like everything and everywhere I want to go, I know someone from that group. I don't like that - it feels like I can't be free of it at all and don't have any time where I'm not thinking of it or being reminded of it. Everyone says give it time but I'm not meeting new people because I'm so fearful of running into people I know from that group.

 

I wish there was a way to forget this. This is so painful. It is hard to see a new life for myself. I don't know how to get there and I don't know how to feel better. My anxiety is so out of control I don't like being around anyone I don't know - I am fearful. It feels like I can't trust anyone.

 

First, you haven't been NC for very long, so it's normal to still feel hopeless and depressed at this point. I remember feeling very much in shock, anxious, and depressed for about 3 months. You have to ride it out. There are no short cuts.

 

As to feeling trapped, yes, I felt trapped. At times, I felt that I couldn't move on because of the fact that I worked with my ex (and still do). I always wondered what people thought of me, and people sometimes would ask me about him or how I was doing. I'm sure some of it was out of concern, but some was probably out of nosiness as well. Also, my ex married a woman who also used to work with us. We have mutual friends. There were so many times that I felt that he would never become irrelevant to me. I tried so hard to move on, and it seemed like stuff kept happening that brought him back into my life. He got engaged, he came back to work with me (he had previously left to work somewhere else, and I thought I was home free).

 

The bottom line is that you can only control so much. I can't control where my ex works, who he marries, ect. That's life, and you have to learn to cope with it. Because there are people who have kids with their exes, and they learn how to cope with that. Surely, we can deal with mutual friends. What I can control is how much I choose to associate my mutual friends with my ex and his wife. Those people are my friends too, and I have relationships with them that have nothing to do with my ex and his wife.

 

I know you are scared to run into your ex or people from that group, but you can't control that. I might run into my ex any day at work. I can sit in fear that it's going to happen, or I can go about my day. When it does happen, I just walk on by and ignore him. I control my reaction, and you have to get to a place where you are not reacting of fear to some unknown. Yes, you might run into those people. If you do, just be polite, and keep on moving. Yes, it might make you nostalgic, but you don't have to let an encounter ruin your entire day. The reality for most of us is that our exes are still out there. So anyone might run into an ex. It's going to happen at some point.

 

Anxiety is normal after a breakup because everything is new and different. Suddenly, you are faced with different choices, and you are making them as a single person. I remember opening up a savings account several months after my breakup and thinking it was a huge deal. It was a savings account because I wanted to save some money to buy a house. A house where I would live alone. It wasn't the future I had envisioned, and it made me sad that day. But I went right in the bank and opened up the savings account. I pushed through the scary emotions and did what I had to do. Just take it day by day. Don't look too far in the distant future because no one knows what that holds. You could whittle your life away with anxiety worrying about what might happen in the future, and the joys of the present will pass you by.

[elephantflower]

Ugh. WTF!

 

After 6 weeks of no contact my ex had contacted me again. Even after I told him I don't want to be friends.

 

He wrote and said "hey how's it going?" When I didn't respond, he wrote again and said "I've been thinking about you a lot and hope you and [my dog] are doing well."

 

I don't understand.

[BC1980]

Ugh. WTF!

 

After 6 weeks of no contact my ex had contacted me again. Even after I told him I don't want to be friends.

 

He wrote and said "hey how's it going?" When I didn't respond, he wrote again and said "I've been thinking about you a lot and hope you and [my dog] are doing well."

 

I don't understand.

 

It's very apparent to me that he wants attention. Why have you not blocked him since you know you can't trust him to be respectful if your wishes? I'd be so disgusted with his actions.

[Diezel]

What I don't understand is why have you not blocked him?

[elephantflower]

He wrote me again and said "I'm sorry the way things ended"

 

It makes me happy and said. It makes me happy because part of me thinks that maybe he finally realizes how AWFUL he was to me in the end. But it also makes me sad because it makes me miss him.

 

I feel like I want to respond now.

[elephantflower]

Ugh... he wrote me again. "You were upset. I shouldn't have said some of the things I said."

 

That seems like a semi-apology... am I overreacting? He's not even being specific.

[pidgeon1010]

After everything you've been through, you are going to succumb to messages from him? You need to block him and move on. There is no way he has become the person you need him to be in this short duration of time. No way. Once again, he is showing he has no respect for you. Save yourself the grief but of course, the decision is up to you.

[BC1980]

Ugh... he wrote me again. "You were upset. I shouldn't have said some of the things I said."

 

That seems like a semi-apology... am I overreacting? He's not even being specific.

 

He's provoking your for a reaction. He's tugging at your heart strings because he knows he is more likely to get a response than with his first message. You nailed it: he's not being specific. So I doubt that he's genuinely sorry for anything. He's probably sorry that you feel the way you do about him, and he's trying to change your opinion.

 

Don't you think it's kind of interesting that an apology is his last resort to get you to react to his contact? So the contact isn't really about apologizing. His contact is more about attempting to provoke a reaction from you. He knows that you will be more likely to respond if he claims to apologize. If he truly wanted to apologize, I don't think a text is the way to go about it. If someone has genuinely good motives and wants to apologize, they would probably write you a decent letter or do it in person. Not send some one line text.

 

I know that it's difficult because you still have feelings for him. You can't see things objectively the way that we can, and that's to be expected. But I guarantee that if you respond, he will be gone so fast after he gets that attention. I honestly can't even believe the nerve of him to continue contact after the way he treated you and after you asked him to stop.

[BC1980]

What I don't understand is why have you not blocked him?

 

Because she's still using him to get a self-esteem hit. The same way he is using her. OP, until you block him and invest in healthy ways to build your self-esteem, you will not make any traction in your recovery. Until you realize that this guy is an unhealthy way to build your self-esteem, there's not a whole lot we can help you with. Blocking would be a big step towards proving that you are worth more and deserve more than what this guy gives you.

 

You come back every few months and post a similar scenario, and posters always give the same advice. We want you to get better, but it's up to you. People give the free advice because they care, but it's up to you to put it into action.