Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[elephantflower]

Hi Everyone,

Some things happened last night. I would like to share -- some of them I'm kind of embarrassed about and some of them I am proud about. I might write about them later because it is helpful to get it down.

 

I know everyone is right about what they are saying. I am working on my self-esteem in therapy. For some reason, when he contacts me it's almost like I forgot about how bad it was and I hope THIS time it will be different and he will finally apologize.

 

I'm going to write more later and hoping people can be supportive even though some of the things I did were against what people had said.

 

The good news is he is now blocked everywhere. I was doing so well until he contacted me after 6 weeks (after I had told him to stop).

[BC1980]

Hi Everyone,

Some things happened last night. I would like to share -- some of them I'm kind of embarrassed about and some of them I am proud about. I might write about them later because it is helpful to get it down.

 

I know everyone is right about what they are saying. I am working on my self-esteem in therapy. For some reason, when he contacts me it's almost like I forgot about how bad it was and I hope THIS time it will be different and he will finally apologize.

 

I'm going to write more later and hoping people can be supportive even though some of the things I did were against what people had said.

 

The good news is he is now blocked everywhere. I was doing so well until he contacted me after 6 weeks (after I had told him to stop).

 

I'm so glad you blocked him. I understand what you mean about thinking he will change. It seems easy to have all the resolve in the world until you see the person or have some contact. Then, all the feelings come back. I would say it took me at least a year of NC to be able to even look at a picture of him without any emotion. NC is your best friend right now.

[elephantflower]

So I wanted to write an update about what happened the other day.

 

Six weeks ago after lots of struggling, I spoke with my therapist and we made a plan. I sent my ex a really short email saying “We can’t be friends. Good luck in the future.” He wrote me back a bunch of times and tried calling me but I didn’t answer. For there, I went 6 weeks with no contact. As you may have read in the past 6 weeks I was still struggling but all that matters was that I was sticking to NC. On the days when it was really hard I would come here or I would text a friend. I would remind myself that I always felt worse if we spoke and that I wanted to move forward. I tried to remind myself that things would not change.

 

Sadly, on Monday he sent me a text that said “Hey, how’s it going?” I didn’t answer so that was followed by “Just wanted to say hi, I’ve been thinking about you a lot.” Which was followed by “I’m sorry for the way things ended.” Followed by “You were upset. I shouldn’t have said some of the things I said.” I ended up responding (against the advice of everyone in the universe).

 

[side note: it’s almost as if in those moments I have hope that he is going to be sincere. That FINALLY he understand how he treated me and is going to apologize which for me, would help with closure. And part of me feels bad in those moments because I feel like if I ignore him I will miss my chance to hear him apologize. I realize this is not rational. I just want to express what I’m thinking]

 

I said “What things?” He said “I wish there hadn’t been so much fighting in the end. I wish you hadn’t been so upset.” At this point I started to get mad… I couldn’t believe that he thought we were “fighting.” He was treating me badly and I was crying… I guess that is his definition of “fighting.” I said “Being upset is a normal reaction to a long-term relationship ending.”

 

At this point he asked if we could speak on the phone. I agreed because I thought I would get an apology…I thought, maybe he wants it to be more sincere so he wants to say it over the phone so, I agreed.

 

We got on the phone and he didn’t really say anything. It was just silence for about 20 seconds. Then he said “So… it’s been a while. How has your summer been?” At this point I started crying but I muted the phone so he couldn’t hear me. When he said that I think it made me feel like he had no inkling about how much pain I had been in – I’ve literally been almost non-functional at times. I got myself together and unmuted the phone and said “I’ve been okay. Still have some rough patches occasionally.”

 

His response was - "That’s weird... it's been 6 months. I’m really surprised you are still thinking about this." This made me really angry and I started to cry again (muted phone). He was judging my pain AGAIN. I was being vulnerable and honest and he could have just said "sorry to hear that." In addition, I wanted to say “obviously you are still thinking about this in some capacity or you wouldn’t have texted me.” I just said "ok" in response to his comment.

 

He asked me what I still thought about and what I was having trouble with. I said that I still had trouble dealing with the way he had treated me… going from loving me one second to hours later telling me I was lazy and ignoring me. I had nightmares still and would get upset. And then he asked me if I missed him and I said “yes, sometimes.”

 

At this point, I wanted to hear what he had to say. I felt really vulnerable and I had thought that getting on the phone he was going to apologize. So, I said "what about you?" He said “What about me?” I said, “well, what about what you wrote in your texts.” He said, “Um. I don’t think we should talk about this. I think it will just stir things up.” This made me mad again because I opened up and told him how I felt and he didn't bother reciprocating. So I said "You texted me and I just answered all of your questions. I don’t know why you would bring this up and call me if you aren’t going to respond." Then I said, "what about what you said in your texts?" and he said, "I just didn't think you should have been so upset." And I said "Its normal to be upset when a long term relationship ends. And you were not treating me well at all. You told me you loved me and then told me 'I’ve had doubts about you the whole time.' That was devastating to hear and confusing." He didn't respond.

 

He then said, “I’ve just been thinking a lot about what a great connection we had. I guess I miss that. And I think about the sex.” Then that got us both talking about sex a little bit. Then the phone call ended.

 

He then texted me and I said I still didn't think we should be friends. That I was still dealing with everything that had happened and it was not helping when he keeps reaching out after I've asked him not to. I said that I felt like he used me for when he was lonely or bored but when I needed him he wasn't there. He said, "Well I get sick of talking about our relationship every time we try to be friends and so I back away." And then he said “I don’t want to lead you on.” I said, “to be clear – we will never have a relationship again. I could never trust you.” He just said “ok.”

 

I reminded him that I WAS NOT THE ONE that keeps bringing it up. The last time, he brought it up by telling me he still had feelings for me. This time he texted me and wanted to talk on the phone and used his time on the phone to talk about our relationship. I'm not sure how that is my fault. He has brought it up every time in the past 4 months.

 

He also of course got in there that he has been on 4 dates with someone and he "isn’t sure if we wants to have a relationship with her because of stuff like this." When I asked him what that meant - he just said "the drama and having to deal with the consequences of a relationship like what is happening now."

 

I wrote him another email that basically said “I know there had been back and forth but I think I was pretty clear 6 weeks ago when I said I didn’t want to be friends. I would appreciate if you do not contact me again. I will contact you, if and when I want to be friends in the future.”

 

Then I blocked his number, etc.

[elephantflower]

Then yesterday, I was still really mad. So, I wrote an email that I wanted to send but then made myself wait and sent it to a friend instead:

 

When I woke up this morning, there were just a few other things that I wanted to add that are important for me to say.

 

It hurts my feelings when you describe our breakup as, "fighting all of the time.” The truth of the matter is, we weren't "fighting" -- you were being extremely disrespectful, overly critical, dismissive and ignoring me repeatedly.

 

I was trying so hard to be loving and you would call me "needy." I'm not sure that kissing you when I get home, hugging you and asking about your day is "needy" -- that's just a normal relationship and caring about you. I would try to enjoy a cup of tea in the morning while just collecting my thoughts and you would say, "you don't do anything; you are just sitting there." I would do something nice for you like, clean our room, and you would say, "you only did that because I was going to be home." Nothing I ever did was right or appreciated. I got your car detailed as a surprise to do something nice for you while you were away and you thanked me but then said, "you could have saved money if you did it yourself." You would complain that I didn't spend enough time with your friends but then when I would make attempts to hang out with them more you would freak out and say you felt like I only hung out with your friends. In the two years we were together -- you probably hung out with my friends 10 times total yet would complain I didn't put effort into getting to know your friends -- what about you? Does that not also apply to you? One of the parties we went to with a group of my friends you complained afterward that you didn't like anyone in [town near me] and thought everyone sucked... after that I stopped inviting you to do things with them. I would plan things for us and you would never commit to plans -- it always seemed like you were waiting for something better to come along. Then weeks later you would complain that I never made plans for us... it never made any sense. You complained that I didn't challenge you, yet, when I would try to get you to explore new and interesting things you wouldn't go... I spent at least a month trying to introduce you to a really cool musical art exhibit in [town] which I finally went to by myself...

 

You would get into HORRIBLE moods. Literally one day you would be so nice and loving and the next day you would be cold and mean to me. You would ignore me and be rude. After you would put me down or say mean things you would either act like nothing happened or just say "sorry, I was in a bad mood, you should know I'm in a bad mood after naps." No, it's not my fault you treated me like an ******* -- that is your fault. You changed and switched things around constantly... you would make plans for us and then when I would show up at your house with my stuff to sleep over you would say "I feel like you want me to entertain you all weekend." Um, no, I'm just here for the date we discussed with my overnight stuff... How could I ever win when you acted that way? If you didn't want to hang out then all you have to say is, “I want a night to myself.” All of this behavior completely pushed me away, made me feel insecure, and made me dislike you as a person.

 

I was always supportive of your work, your dreams and you wanting to do things on your own. I always encouraged you to go out with your friends and never complained when you made plans. You somehow would turn this around on me and tell me you felt like you always had to be with me... even though I had never, ever acted that way or said that to you.

 

I would try to have conversations with you, engage in discussions and send you interesting articles. And you would say condescending things like, "all you do is watch dog videos." When you would ask me questions about my divorce and I would give you answers you would say rude things like, "I don't feel sorry for you. He was obviously unhappy." How exactly was I supposed to respond to questions without a criticism from you? I would wake up and say "gosh, I didn't sleep well." When you would ask me why and I would answer and your response would be "you make excuses for everything." What answer could I have given that would have been okay to you?

 

Our relationship at one point was really great and you sabotaged all of the good parts with your poor behavior. When I got my new job you started calling me "lazy" when I would want to come home and read in bed before going to sleep. At the time I was consistently working 10-12 hour work days. So, it's okay for you to relax after work but not for me to relax? It's okay for you to watch a TV show before bed but not for me to? That makes me "lazy"? I was getting up an hour early on weekdays to help around the house – I did all of the laundry, dishes, cleaning up in the morning so I was still helping out. Nothing was good enough.

 

You had the audacity when we were breakup to ask if you could have my dog and my dishes. It's as if you had no realization the extent of how much you had hurt me or the things you had said to me.

 

"You are so lazy." "You can't do anything right. I always have to tell you what to do or you won't do it." "You are so needy." "I was just going through the motions. I've had doubts about you this whole time." "You lie about everything." "You make me act this way."

 

I found out you were on okcupid before we had even broken up. Again, this is completely unacceptable... my guess is that this is your go-to method. Looking for someone new before you break things off so it makes things easier for you. I was appalled when I found this out -- especially since you know my background. We were in a committed, long-term relationship... what in your mind makes you think it's ok to go on a dating site when you are still dating me? It's not -- just FYI. I had trusted that you would respect me and our relationship but instead you were selfish and only thought about yourself and didn't want to be lonely.

 

You seemed to always forget about the great things I did for you -- special notes on your pillow, hugs every day, buying little treats at whole foods, funny texts, months of planning birthday surprises. I was a really great girlfriend and partner. I didn't deserve any of those things. I deserved someone to love and respect me for who I am and to treat me like they loved me instead of putting me down because you were in a "bad mood."

 

Let's get a couple of things straight -- next time you work a 12 hour day, you tell me how ready you are to go out and do something after work. Does that mean you are lazy if you want to relax? I told you the first 6 months of my job would be tough -- a partner is supportive and loving through difficult times -- they don't add more stress onto the situation by making someone feel like ****. I do plenty of things right -- I'm a capable adult who has lived on her own for many years -- I pay my rent, my car payment, cell phone bill. I'm not needy - I'm loving. Don't bother continuing to date someone if you are just going to "go through the motions" -- it is extremely cruel to tell someone you love them, plan a future together when that's not really what you want... you lead me on and it is not okay. I didn't lie about anything. I don't make you act anyway -- you control your own behavior and if you act like an *******, that is completely on you, it's not on anyone else. Stop blaming other people for your immaturity.

 

Those are the things that I am still dealing with. I'm trying my best to move past these things but I've given you SO many chances to show that's not who you are. I have tried being friends with you... even after we broke up I calmly explained to you that I was hurt and your words hurt me and that you should think about how you speak to people -- your response was "you should think about how ungrateful you are."

 

I just don't want someone who acts like that in my life. There are moments when we talk that everything is fine -- those are the moments when I get nostalgic and miss you -- and I remember the times that were really good, when we were really in love. But in the back of my mind I always know something is going to go wrong -- I'll say something or do something and you will put me down.

 

When you texted me yesterday it felt like you were finally really going to apologize but it felt half-hearted. A real apology would have been a letter or call or in person saying how sorry you were that you hurt me... instead it was one sentence in a text. When I suggested a phone call -- when we got on the phone you didn't mention your actions.

[frigginlost]

Flower ---

 

That guy is a first rate, grade A, piece of sh*t. He is purposely cutting you in half to shatter what self-esteem you have left or have built. This type of guy is ripe for having his jaw broken.

 

He never will be anything more than that type of person.

 

Keep him blocked.

 

If he tries backdoor communicating with you, do one of two things:

 

Ignore him or send a simple F.O. to him.

 

Either of those two things will drive him insane.

 

Do not engage him. He's a d*ck.

[Redhead14]

This is a long post.

 

I am in my early 30s – positive, friendly, professional, kind, generous. My ex-boyfriend is around the same age.

We met through an online dating website. Our first date was really nice – we both liked each other. The relationship progressed slowly. He said he was “scared” so I never put any pressure on him and enjoyed getting to know him. It was passionate – the sex was the best either of us had ever had. We connected with our senses of humor and slowly everything fell into place. We took a long trip together and it was wonderful. It took him a year for him to tell me he loved me but I thought he really meant it. He asked me to move in after we had been together more than a year. He started to make plans to buy a house (I would live with him too).

 

He was a very nice person – that is one of the reasons I liked him. He was gentle and kind. He didn’t raise his voice. He had a lot of friends and had good relationships with his ex girlfriends. I did not see this person emerge for a long time in the relationship. In the end it’s like he became a completely different person but only I could see it.

The last few months before our relationship ended, things started to change. He started getting into frequent bad moods and would take it out on me – he would ignore me, or put down things I was saying and later act normal and tell me I shouldn’t talk to him after he has gotten up from naps. He started to turn things around on me – I felt like I was going crazy.

 

I started a new job and was working very long hours – I made an effort when I came home to still be cheerful and loving even though I was stressed. I liked to put on my pjs and read after we ate dinner. He normally cooked during the week but I would help if I was home in time and would always help with dishes. He started to tell me I was lazy because I “didn’t do anything when I got home.” I tried to explain that I was exhausted and just needed an hour or two to relax.

 

He started to complain that I never planned things for us. So I started to consciously plan more – but then he wouldn’t commit to the plans. For example, I asked him if he wanted to go kayaking or to an art museum on such and such date/time and he would tell me he wasn’t sure or he had to see what else was going on . Then he would tell me he didn’t understand why I couldn’t just go do the things myself, without him. When I would try to explain that I was trying to plan more things for us he would get annoyed and tell me I was “needy.”

 

He then started to tell me that he felt like we were spending too much time together so I started doing things on my own. Then he would say he was worried about me that I was going to be burned out or he would get upset when I wasn’t home.

He started to tell me I made excuses for everything. For example, one morning when we were waking up, I said “Gosh, I didn’t sleep well last night.” When he asked me why I said “well I’ve been trying not to take Xanax anymore, so maybe my body is just getting used to being without it.” His response was “you have excuses for everything” then he rolled over and went back to bed.

 

He would sometimes bring up my divorce and ask questions – he was curious and I didn’t mind answering but he started being mean. I calmly explain it had been a difficult time in my life, etc. He would say “I don’t feel sorry for you. Everyone goes through hard times. You jus thave to push through them.” I agreed that yes, of course, I knew everyone went through hard times and I wasn’t complaining but he had asked me questions and I was juts answering them. He told me he didn’t want to hear my “sob story.” This made me extremely upset and I cried. The next day he acted completely normal – he was nice and apologize that he was mean. He said he had been in a bad mood.

 

I started to feel like I couldn’t do anything right. Even the smallest thing he would complain about. The way I chopped the onions was ruining our dinner, putting the pizza in the oven for 15 minutes instead of 13 minutes was ruining our dinner. When I would say how tired I was from work he would say things like “I don’t feel sorry for you. I work hard too and I still take care of the house and cook. What do you do?” He has a more flexible schedule than me and normally gets home 4-5 hours before me and has time to take a nap I was always appreciative of his hard work and help and made sure I told him. I was getting up an hour earlier to help him in the morning with laundry, dishes, tidying up and on the weekends I would make dinner and help with other errands.

We would get in the car and he would ask me to help him navigate – and I would do so. When I was driving I would nicely ask if he could help me navigate he would tell me the GPS was sitting right next to me and that he felt like he always had to help me with everything.

 

His moods were unpredictable – he could be so loving, so caring so nice to me. And then there were some days when he was distant and cold – where he would barely talk to me. When I would ask him a question he would tell me he didn’t always want to have to talk and he felt like I didn’t have my own life. I was so confused.

 

There was one evening where I had planned a date night for us and was cooking dinner and home. Dinner was ready and I could tell he was in a bad mood. He stayed on his computer while I was setting the table and he wasn’t talking. I asked him to please close his computer and he got furious – he told me I was needy, impatient, and annoying. I started sobbing – I didn’t understand it at all. I decided to still go out for the rest of our date… he followed me trying to apologize and I told him I didn’t want to be treated that way and he told me that he had just been in a bad mood.

 

There was a time when I got really sick with a stomach bug. He was housesitting for his parents (15 min away). He asked me if I could bring in the trash cans and then come over and watch the dogs. I told him that I was on the toilet, I was happy to help but I didn’t feel well. He accussed me of lying and told me that a little diahrrea shouldn’t stop me from taking in trashcans. He told me I was giving him an ultimatium that either I could bring in the trashcans or help with the dogs. He went crazy – he sent me a bunch of texts telling me I didn’t help him. I was extremely upset – even being sick I was trying to help and figure out a way to help with trashcans. Later in the day he called me and wanted me to come over – I came over and just started crying. He told me he felt like “something was going on” because I just started crying all of the sudden. I explained that I was upset because of the way he had treated me that day – I had been really sick and he was yelling at me about trashcans! He said I was being unreasonable and refused to talk to me.

 

There was a time when I accidentally dropped a paint brush on the rug and got a drop of paint on it. I saw that he saw and to make light of the situation, I looked at him and said “it got on my jeans!” and laughed. He got mad and accused me of lying and said he knew it got on the carpet. I told him I was joking around and I knew he had seen I was just trying to make light of it.

 

When our landlord needed up to pull some paper work for him. My boyfriend asked me if I could find the papers and deliver them to the appropriate person – I said no problem. I got home from work around 8pm (12 hr day). I immediately started searching for the papers but by 9pm knew I needed to eat dinner and get to bed. I set my alarm to get up early the next morning to keep searching and have enough time to bring them to the office. When my boyfriend got home he was mad because he had told me to get the papers that night – when I explained that I was getting up in the morning he told me I was “always tired” and couldn’t help him. I was able to get up and bring the papers on time but he was still mad.

 

The last straw was when he asked me grab the empty tea containers out of the cabinet on my way to meet him. I brought them and when I got there he got mad because they weren’t empty – he said that he had asked for the *empty* containers and this was wrong. He then started telling me I couldn’t do anything right. He said that lately everything he had asked me to do was “wrong.” When I started asking for examples he said he didn’t want to give me examples because I just made excuses about everything. He said that it was just a “feeling” he had. He told me to go home and he didn’t want to see me. At this point I was like WTF?! None of it made sense. I was extremely upset and ended up going back over to try and talk through it. When I got there he stonewalled me – he wouldn’t speak to me at all and kept brushing past me. He went into bed and I was crying he said “what do you want a hug?” There was zero emotion. I was scared – I felt like he was a completely different person and I didn’t know what to do. He told me turn off the light and leave the room. I was so scared I ended up driving back to the other house, calling my mom and telling her what happened and I needed to leave. I said that I loved him but something wasn’t right. He called me at 5am completely normal – he asked if I was ok and said he had just been in a bad mood and was sorry for being mean.

 

The next day I told him we needed distance and I didn’t think this was going to work. He ended up convincing me to come over to his place and there he told me he didn’t have any complaints about our relationship and was I sure I wanted this. Maybe we should just take a break. I loved him so much and thought that maybe he was finally starting to see how he was hurting me so I agreed to a break. I got an airbnb for a month. The day I was supposed to go to the airbnb he told me he would help me load my car. When he got to the house he was different again – he was distant and cold. He didn’t hug me and told me that he couldn’t help me with the car because he had errands to run.

 

Again, I was so confused – yesterday he was telling me he loved me and didn’t have any complaints and now it’s something different. I went to the airbnb and a few days later he called and broke up with me because he said it was “unhealthy.” He told me that I don’t challenge him and he has always had doubts. I was devastated – I have invested 2 years into this… he was the one that askd me to move in, he was the one that wanted to buy a house. I feel used or something.

 

I am devastated. I am hurt that I was treated/allowed myself to be treated this way. Also, in some sick way I miss him desperately. He has written one emotionless email to tell me that anything I leave in the house after I move my stuff out will be thrown away/given away.

 

I feel like he doesn’t care at all. I keep wanting to call him to talk to him. My family and friends think he was emotionally abusing me. I am so confused and hurt. I think they are right but why do I miss him so much? I feel so much anger that I haven’t gotten any kind of apology, except for a “sorry”. I feel like the preson I initially met isn’t even real. I have never ever seen him act this way toward friends or family. He said I bring it out in him.

 

I wonder if he really ever loved me. Neither one of us had been in a serious relationship for 3-4 years. I really waited until I thought I had found a connection and we DID have one. I have no idea what the hell happened. It was almost as if overnight he had a mental breakdown and completely changed. A lot of the stories I have read say that abusers isolate people, etc. He didn’t do any of that. He never even yelled.

 

It has been 5 weeks since the break up and I’m still having a really hard time – I go from being extremely mad to confused to missing him. He treated me horribly in the end but its devastating to think he could throw me away so easily when we had something so committed. I feel like I don’t have any kind of closure. It has been 14 days with NO contact at all. He texted me this weekend about a piece of mail – I was livid because I felt like he was making an excuse to contact me. I just said “junk” in reply to the mail.

 

I am coming here for support – I have reached out to family/friends, I am in therapy. I can use all of your words and support and thoughts about the situation. Thank you!

 

In the end it’s like he became a completely different person but only I could see it -- He didn't become a completely different person, he simply reverted to who he really was. Sometimes people put up a very good front for quite a while, but they can't maintain it forever. At some point that ability breaks down. You simply started seeing the real him.

 

It appears he was a narcissist or had strong tendencies toward that. It appears he was what's called "gaslighting" you for a long time. Gaslighting is a term for telling to do or saying one thing, and then making it seem as though you were crazy and that's not what he said or mean't.

 

Keep with NO CONTACT. These men are difficult to keep away from. They can be very insidious in their approach and reel their "victim" back in easily.

 

Do as many things as you can for yourself to distract you from this situation. Force yourself to go out with friends and family, do projects that you've been letting slide, anything that makes you feel good about yourself. Buy some new clothes, get a new hairstyle, etc. You deserve to be happy. You can do that for yourself. You don't need someone else to do that for you.

[elephantflower]

I think you are probably right. But then I think about the fact that he has a lot of friends. None of them have ever seen him act this way -- he has the capacity to be a good person but with me he didn't. That has really frustrated me and been hard -- because of that it has felt like it was ME... because otherwise, why doesn't he act like that with other people.

 

I know I wasn't in his other relationships but I know for sure he had good relationships with all of his exs. One from high school, one from colelge (those were both 3+ year relationships), he was even invited to both of their weddings. Other relationships in his adult life have last 3-6 months and those have been seemingly okay as well.

 

I know is doesn't actually matter -- but it has helped me to talk about it and try to understand his behavior. I know that all that matters is me and he isn't going to change but it helps me to remember and hear from other people who have dealt with similar things.

 

I think I'm also angry that I didn't see any of it. I know that sounds crazy and in hindsight I feel so stupid but I didn't. I was really in love -- it wasn't until the very end when things were glaringly obviously (like yelling at me for giving him the wrong container) that I thought something was wrong with him.

[HeaderIsBack]

I'm sorry if I'm a little harsh with someone you may still feel things for, but seriously, I'd gladly punch this guy's face so hard he'd never forget about it.

 

Guys like these are the reason good girls like you end up saying "guys are all the same".

 

We aren't. Go out there and find someone that really loves you. You deserve it.

[BC1980]

OP, your relationship and how it ended reminds me so much of what I went through. My ex pulled a lot of the same stunts you are describing after it ended, and, like you, I would answer his texts because I thought that it might be different that time. Sometimes, you have to experience this stuff first hand to truly understand. My ex also minimized his responsibility and my pain, and I learned that he would never be sympathetic to what I was going through. In fact, he would probably be the last person to be sympathetic because he had every reason in the world to want to minimize my hurt. He had the strongest motive of anyone to want to deny his part and to rewrite what happened. Once I figured that out, I was done, and I never talked to him again.

 

It means something if pretty much everyone thinks your ex is an arse. Most everyone thought my ex was an arse as well. It's not like you and I are the only people who think our exes have done some really sh*tty stuff. It's such a dagger to the heart when someone you loved minimizes your pain in that way. Believe me, I understand that completely because I was on the receiving end of the some similar treatment. It was just so hurtful, and it made me hurt to read what he said to you.

 

The only way to move on is to disengage completely. You can never be friends with him because he could never be sympathetic or remorseful for what happened. No more contact whatsoever. I think that you handled what happened really well actually. You stood up to him for once, and that means a lot.

[elephantflower]

Ah!!!!!!

 

I'm so angry right now. I can't sleep. I was finally starting to feel slightly better until he contacted now I'm back at obsessing over things.

 

I'm so angry a part of me wants to send the email above or some variation of it. I finally feel like I'm at a place where I don't care if he gets mad. I want him to feel bad and know how I really feel and how he effected me.

 

My roommate keeps saying that I need to ask him for what I want and to say "I would appreciate an apology." I'm not sure about that.

 

Also some weird place inside of me is confused about why he contacted me. Did he really miss me and maybe want to get back together. Was he maybe going to apologize but I was too harsh when we got on the phone and then ruined it?

[bluefeather]

elephantflower, it sounds like you are addicted to pain.

 

many people here have kept telling you to block this person, but you do not seem to listen. it seems like you are obsessed with the energy this person is bringing to you, even though it is negative.

[elephantflower]

I think you are right in some way. When I spoke to him a few days ago it was almost like I blacked out... not literally but I felt high. I'm not sure why that is happening. Since I wrote that email I have not contacted, I'm simply writing that now I'm angry and want to reach out but I won't.

 

I just read this: http://www.thepositivemind.com/poetry/aboutpainanddullnessarticle.html

[BC1980]

Ah!!!!!!

 

I'm so angry right now. I can't sleep. I was finally starting to feel slightly better until he contacted now I'm back at obsessing over things.

 

I'm so angry a part of me wants to send the email above or some variation of it. I finally feel like I'm at a place where I don't care if he gets mad. I want him to feel bad and know how I really feel and how he effected me.

 

My roommate keeps saying that I need to ask him for what I want and to say "I would appreciate an apology." I'm not sure about that.

 

Also some weird place inside of me is confused about why he contacted me. Did he really miss me and maybe want to get back together. Was he maybe going to apologize but I was too harsh when we got on the phone and then ruined it?

 

Please don't ask for an apology. That is such a weak move because you are telling him that you need something from him to feel better. Also, you can't make him feel bad for what he did. You are still looking to him for closure and to help you. He could love you or hate you, feel sorry for you, or think you hate him. It doesn't matter anymore. His feelings are his own.

Edited September 4, 2015 by BC1980

[elephantflower]

I think you are right. When she said that to me I thought it was odd - honestly a lot of her advice I don't think has been very good. She keeps saying things like "well, maybe you are being too sensitive... you just have to let his comments roll of your back." And "women are always like this... you just need to ask him for what you want. He probably does't realize you want an apology."

 

I said "I shouldn't have to ask him for one. He should feel sorry enough to give one." And yeah, I need to not care about his comments but right now I still do -- even if I let them "roll off my back" that doesnt make him any less of a dick. That's like someone punching you in the face and just because it didn't hurt it's okay.

 

I'm still dealing with a ton of anger and still thinking I want to send an email expressing the anger. He knows I'm mad but I've never fully been like "you treated me like an *******. I'm not still upset about everything because I miss you." He seems to think it's all about that... which it's not. That just makes me so mad.

 

I'm angry because he has seemingly gone about his life with people I thought were my friends. This has been the hardest thing I've ever been through. I understand logically it will get better but I feel broken. I still feel like I can't fully live my life and a lot of times feel sequestered to my house.

 

I guess I feel like I had made a small bit of progress - I was still having a lot of trouble but for instance, Monday was the first day in almost 6 months I had listened to music. For some reason, music had been a trigger for me before -- certain songs would bring back feelings so I completely avoided it. That was a big deal for me. Then Monday after work is when he texted.

 

Also, this is probably TMI - but I had been unable to masturbate at all. I would break down sobbing -- this had been going on for months and months and months. Feeling worthless and lonely. I finally was able to do that about a week ago without having a breakdown. These steps were seemingly small but those small things had been hell for me. It's like I couldn't escape it and now I feel pulled back in.

 

I know that I should just let it go and keep moving forward but I'm pissed. I did write an email telling him to stop contact me but I finally feel like I want to express how I REALLY feel. I was so worried before that he would get back or not talk to me that I was always polite and nice. I want to express how much of a jerk I think he is -- not going completely ballistic but basically calling him out and being like -- you seem to think I'm weak but I see through all of your bull****.

 

I just feels unfair that he keeps doing this.

Edited September 4, 2015 by elephantflower

[elephantflower]

Also some other really, really strange thing have happened. This is somewhat unrelated to my post above but I want to get them down.

 

--I started to resent my dog. I don't know why but I think I associated her with him. Even though she was my dog before I got into a relationship with him she loved him so much and was so affectionate with him. She is generally a very independent dog but when she was with him she gravitate toward him. When I was upset I would find myself looking at her and being annoyed like "you would have comforted him." It makes no sense because she is a dog but it happened.

 

--Somehow thoughts of my exbf (who all these posts are about) and my exhusband morphed together. When I would have nightmares it's almost like their faces would be interchangeable. When I think about my ex still when I'm angry sometimes I see my exhusband's face.

 

--I hate all of the people that I thought were my friends. Unfortunately, I have projected all of my negative feelings about my ex onto people that I thought were my friends. They really haven't done anything -- like any break up most of them were friends with him before me. Although I did spend almost every weekend for 2 years with them and made friends with some of them outside of my relationship I am angry at them. I feel abandoned and feel like he unjustly gets to keep them. I realize this isn't exactly rational... but it feels unfair. Like I'm dealing with all of his **** and him being a horrible person and all these nightmares and all I want to do is hang out with people I like and they are hanging out with him and don't even realize what he did. Because of this it has prevented me from doing this -- I am so mad and hurt that I have avoided any social situation where I might see them... I will start crying and I don't want to be embarrassed that I'm so hurt by this still.

[ImmortalDracula]

I used to be the fittest slippered being in the world running, naked with the wildebeests of the Serengeti, across the field’s bollock naked ( I like the feel of the wind whipping around my dangly bits), save slippers, shimmering under a full moon, working 100 hours a week, and my twin sisters never ending odd job list and I always helped me maam. Then I was stricken with lurgy let us call it C.F.S M.E. it has many names. Many do not understand it nor its impact even to this day, to be bried

I am not a lazy man, I suffer an illness and many people do, or will it is life and it can be a wretched cruel creature at times for no apparent reason.

 

To share is not always as simple as 50/50. A concept beyond his comprehension and errant rational, or perhaps he was too busy apportioning the blamage entirely on your already burdened being rather than helping you out, trying to understanding and help you rather than being a persistent narcissistic drain on your already strained being. A nefarious parasite, that one, spring to my mind, are you sure he was ever wonderful or did your mind paint that illusion at the behest of his words and slobbering, illogical, reinforcements

 

And particular kind of extroverts scare the bejesus out of me more so the ones who have billions of friends and all their exes still love them. Did he tell you that I will wager 50 muffins he did.

 

You were but a mere time filler for him you must let this monster go. One can never live up to their warped utopia's.

 

This is your closure (you will not get closure from madness tis their way) and I have wrote enough words that, and not writing anymore on this one.

 

Do I like being alone, nope, what am I 45 now, with 3 cats. *smiles. I can loan you stout a stick possessed of the capability to smite,or smote (oit might make you feel better). But you will never be able to smite any sense, coherence, logic into these people. Best you visit the pox on these strange creatures.

 

Mirror mirror on the wall you can hold it up them and Dorian Grey would not look back in their minds, just a perfect delusional angel.

 

He never truly wanted you, nor wished you and was happy to eek away at your time and being, and gorging off your ever depleting energy levels – why would anyone want that or their approval. Now prey the pox visits that parasite. Get some cats or marry me – but I always expect muffins at dawn….and I can make them

[bluefeather]

...

...

...

 

What?

 

reading that made my brain fuzzy.

[elephantflower]

I really want to send this or some version of this:

Hi, it's me again,

This will be the last time I write about this. I am still really angry and that's why we can't be friends.

 

It really hurts my feelings that you think we were "fighting" a lot before we broke up when in reality you were treating me very poorly. This is what I still struggle with...

 

I loved you so much. I felt like I was a caring, compassionate, loving, and fun partner. You focused so much of your energy on everything negative and everything that was wrong and that is what destroyed our relationship. You can't constantly pick on someone over and over and over -- criticizing everything they do, complaining about everything they do, nagging them about everything they do, putting them down and not think it will have an effect on the relationship.

 

At one point we had the most loving and wonderful relationship -- you seemed like you were finally able to live in the moment and then that all changed. You turned into a negative, critical and horribly mean person. In the last month, I was scared to come home in the evening because I knew I would get yelled at for something -- even when I tried to help or do something nice you would put it down. I stopped wanting to talk to you or interact because I knew what would come if I said anything the wrong way -- I was unable to sleep well or concentrate at work.

 

I thought that you were really stressed out and I was trying to help you. I don't think you understand what that feels like -- thinking that someone you love is having a mental breakdown. I wanted to help you and tried to do everything I could think of to make things better. Instead of taking a look at your partner and saying to yourself "gosh, she is really bad at directions but man, she is so loving and fun". I would try to show you I was thinking of you by hugging or kissing you and I would get called "needy." One minute you would tell me I didn't challenge you enough so I would try to suggest fun things to do or try to bring up stuff I enjoyed and then I would get told that I was "needy" for that so I would stop trying to do things and give you space. When I would try to just be by myself or do things on my own to relax you would tell me I was "lazy" or "never did anything." How was I supposed to have energy for anything when I was constantly being criticized. I was working 12 hour days, waking up an hour early to help with household chores, cooking on the weekend on top of trying to have a relationship and maintain relationships with my friends and family -- you never gave me a break. I asked really nicely for your support when I got my new job -- I said it was going to be really hard for the first 6 months. You were nice for the first few days and then after that it was just a barrage of everything I wasn't doing -- I didn't cook enough, I didn't clean enough, I slept too much, I didn't pay attention to you, I paid too much attention. I tried adjusting my schedule so I could help out more but you never seemed to notice -- even when I would help out it was still wrong.

 

Your constant fixation on the fact that we had things in common because we like to do the same things -- you seemed to think I just liked the things you liked when in fact, I just like those things... regardless of you lik I was funny before I met you. I liked hiking and the outdoors before I met you. I liked cooking before I met you. I liked reading before I met you. I loved dancing before I met you. We just had a lot in common... apparently that's a bad thing. No, I didn't know how to rock climb -- hopefully the next person you date rock climbs 5 times a week because you made me feel like I was the most inadequate person alive because I had never tried this hobby -- I guess it doesn't count that I enthusiastically wanted to learn with you.

 

I'm angry because it feels like all of the loving things I do you never cared about -- spending months on your birthday gift, breakfasts in bed, special treats from whole foods, detailing your car, little notes on your pillow, etc. I tried to show you everyday how special I thought you were and that you were heard and loved and all you cared to focus on was that I don't know how to chop onions, am bad at directions, and don't do everything exactly the way you would do it. I guess the fact that we share the same sense of humor, have tons of fun together doesn't really matter. I guess what matters to you is that your partner is good at directions -- the next person you date probably won't make you laugh like I did but hopefully she gets the onions right. The next person you probably won't be able to be as open with as you were with me but hopefully she gets directions right. I mean, it sounds ludicrous to say it because it is.

 

You saying that you were "going through the motions" and "we never had a spark" and you "always had doubts." I don't really appreciate you dating me for 2 years -- hopefully next time you will not do that to someone. Although we were not "head over heels" after three dates, I didn't think it really mattered after we fell in love. Apparently you've "been head over heels before" and are searching for that -- yet, none of those head over heels relationships worked out so I'm not sure that is the best litmus test for an enduring relationship. Being happy is probably a better indication... not trying to relieve the way you felt when you were 17. If you were trying to make me question your sanity and who you are as a person you succeeded. I thought I knew you but apparently I didn't.

 

And as if that wasn't all enough -- you had to go and get back on okcupid before you even broke things off. It just felt like an extra punch in the stomach.

 

You blamed your horrible moods on me. You blamed everything on me. You seem to think that I'm having trouble getting over our relationship... I'm having trouble getting over what happened. I can't really imagine a friendship with you because your behavior is SO erratic and unpredictable. You literally go from one hour to acting fine to the next hour acting aloof, disinterested and mean. I've tried a couple of times since the break up to let you back into my life -- I keep thinking you are going to apologize or you will finally realize how awful you were. Instead, you seem to just remember everything as "fighting" and think I'm "exaggerating" and being "sensitive." Calling someone you supposedly love "lazy," telling them they "don't know how to do anything right," telling them "I wouldn't' act this way if you did things right" -- that's not me overreacting, that is you being an *******. Don't be an ******* and blame it on other people.

 

This is has been so hard for me. You not only sabotaged our relationship but tarnished my thoughts of you as a person and a friend. It seems like you still want to reach out and talk and get advice -- you seemed to want me out of your life so badly because you treated me like poop so I'm not sure why you want to be friends if I am that awful to be around. You stomped on my heart a few times and then have continued to contact me without a sincere apology -- you act like everything is fine. Everything is not fine -- I wish you would grow up, put your ego aside and admit where you were wrong. I wish that you would admit that you still miss and love me -- you can't text me that you are thinking about me and semi-apologize and then when we get on the phone say you "don't want to talk about it." Out of all the people in the world I think I have proven that I'm not going to shame you for being emotional or expressing emotions.

 

As much as you don't want to talk about this -- this is completely unresolved. I can't be friends or talk to you in the future unless you are willing to make amends for the things that happened.

[bluefeather]

I really want to send this or some version of this...

 

"you hurt me a lot and I'm still hurting"

 

do you like wasting time? cuz that was a lot of words to say that. Those are just words of blame. you are hurt and are blaming him for everything. he is not going to want to read any of that and will probably gloss over most of it, probably only reading the first and last paragraph, and not even caring about any of it.

 

so do you like wasting time? cuz I could suggest a videogame or something else that might be more productive... an alternative time sink to this constant venting to a person who will not see it your way.

 

I say again, you are addicted. You are obsessed. Pick a more productive hobby.

[elephantflower]

I am blaming him because he completely sabatoged our relationship. Did you read my email. He dumped me and then continued to contact me over and over again even after I had asked him not to.

 

I went through 6 weeks of NC after I specifically said I didn't want to be friends. Then this week he contacted again - told me he was thinking about me. It brings it all back. I am enraged. You can't treat me like ****, offer no apology and then think things will be okay and we can be friends.

[BC1980]

I think you are justified in feeling the way you do, but he's not likely to agree. So I think the email is good to write for yourself, but don't send it. To be frank, he probably won't even read the entire thing and doesn't really care. He won't understand. The funny this is that sending the email would probably have the opposite effect of what you want. He would likely become more defensive and have less sympathy for you.

[BC1980]

I am blaming him because he completely sabatoged our relationship. Did you read my email. He dumped me and then continued to contact me over and over again even after I had asked him not to.

 

I went through 6 weeks of NC after I specifically said I didn't want to be friends. Then this week he contacted again - told me he was thinking about me. It brings it all back. I am enraged. You can't treat me like ****, offer no apology and then think things will be okay and we can be friends.

 

Good. That's a good boundary to have in place. He treats you badly and has little remorse. I agree that he is not your friend and warrants no more investment on your part. A person like that needs to be jettisoned from your life.

[bluefeather]

I am blaming him because he completely sabatoged our relationship..

 

Yeah, well it's over so why are you still trying to talk to him?

 

Did you read my email.

 

That's a bit insulting. I would not have responded to your post if I did not bother to read it completely...

 

I went through 6 weeks of NC after I specifically said I didn't want to be friends. Then this week he contacted again - told me he was thinking about me. It brings it all back. I am enraged. You can't treat me like ****, offer no apology and then think things will be okay and we can be friends.

 

I see a pattern here. You keep blaming other people for your problems. Your exbf, your exhb, the friends of your exbf, even your dog... come on. You say you were doing NC yet he is talking to you and you were a day away from emailing him. You are lying to yourself. You would have ignored his messages if you were doing NC.

[elephantflower]

I'm not sure I'm blaming other people for my problems. My ex husband had a 2nd life I didn't know about for 5 years and before he even proposed. He had girlfriends and was sleeping with prostitutes -- it has been difficult to work through but I have.

 

That's not blame. I do have a problem moving past things and have a tendency to dwell and want to run away and not have reminders of things. Which is why I think I was tween resenting my dog and the friends. It's not their fault but it's hard to still think about going places or doing things when they are there.

 

I had not talked to my ex for 6 weeks. It was really hard. A part of me hopes that he will change but I know he want. That's why I came here when it was hard so I wouldn't contact him and I would keep moving on. When he reaches out it feels like he is going to apologize which is why I answered.

 

This wasn't a black and white situation for me. I was really in love with him and then he had what I thought was a mental breakdown. It was hot and cold and I've had trouble wrapping my head around it.

[elephantflower]

And I'm not still trying to talk to him as I said he continually is reaching out to me which makes me angry when there has been no expression that he is sorry for treating me poorly. So when that happens I get mad and need to talk about it so I don't go crazy.