Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[BC1980]

And I'm not still trying to talk to him as I said he continually is reaching out to me which makes me angry when there has been no expression that he is sorry for treating me poorly. So when that happens I get mad and need to talk about it so I don't go crazy.

 

But you've blocked him right? So it should be difficult for him to get through to you?

[bluefeather]

I'm not sure I'm blaming other people for my problems.

 

I am.

 

This wasn't a black and white situation for me. I was really in love with him and then he had what I thought was a mental breakdown. It was hot and cold and I've had trouble wrapping my head around it.

 

This is sounding so repetitious. Does anyone else want to chime in..?

 

You are making excuses for everything wrong. You are making excuses for those who hurt you and excuses for yourself for picking partners who would hurt you.

 

You like being treated like crap. There is a part of you that gets off on it and that's probably why you keep chasing after it. I wonder if your childhood was similar, because it would explain a lot.

 

You need to break that cycle and realize that you are a beautiful person who deserves love.

 

He sounds like a p.o.s. and will probably continue to be one. Realize that and take off your rose colored glasses. Now look in the mirror and realize that your obsessive behavior is screwing with your life. Stop it!

[elephantflower]

Just because I realize that about myself doesn't somehow make it easier. I'm in therapy and dealing with these issues as much as possible. And yes, my mother has BPD so I have dealt with this my entire life. It doesn't sound like you have ever dealt with anxiety or obsessive thinking -- it's not quite as easy as just stopping. You are extremely unemphatic. I come here and talk about it so I don't act on it. It completely takes over my thought process. Why do you think this forum exists?

 

I realize I'm responsible for myself but sometimes people go through difficult things. That's what it is and it's been difficult that is all --- I've had trouble sleeping and working. I didn't say someone else caused that -- that is my problem but the thoughts are in my head and I want them to go away so I can function normally and get on with my life.

 

If I need to come here 20 times a day and write about it to make myself feel better instead of crying or missing him then that's what I'll do. If you don't like it then don't read it.

 

For all the entries I've written it's not like I was reaching out to him. Just because I'm angry or still talk about it doesn't mean I'm going to act on it. I need to have an outlet when things are bad. It can get so bad in my head that I can't do anything -- cant watch a movie, can't read a book, can't walk -- I cant escape it. It sucks and trust me, I wish my brain was not that way... that's why I'm in therapy, go to meditation and write here.

 

Yes, I have blocked him. My old email address has been deleted and I called my phone company to have his number blocked by their system (not just on my phone).

[bluefeather]

It doesn't sound like you have ever dealt with anxiety or obsessive thinking

 

OCD... You have no idea. But if it looks that way to you, I guess I will take that as a compliment.

 

And yes, I understand that you are coming here for help. That's why I came here too. So I am sorry if what I said made you feel uncomfortable. I will stop. I hope you feel better.

[elephantflower]

There has been an update since I last wrote.

I was angry all week. I did everything I could to get rid of the anger but couldn’t. I was angry and wanted to express it to him – I wanted it to be my last email. I had originally deleted my old email account but reactivated it and I sent him this email:

“This will be the last email I write.

I am still so hurt about what happened. It hurts my feelings that you describe it as "fighting" at the end. The way I see it, it was you treating me badly and then me reacting to that. I'm a really easy going, kind and loving person.

 

We had a really wonderful relationship and we were in love. When I got back from my vacation it felt like everything changed. You started telling me I was "needy," "lazy," "didn't know how to do anything right." You started complaining about everything I did.

 

I feel really, really led on -- we were planning a future together which was all led by you -- you asked me to move in, you wanted to buy a house, you would touch my stomach and then talk about kids. Why would you say those things to me and then tell me you never felt a spark? Why would you tell me you wanted to be single so badly then go on okcupid before even breaking up with me?

 

You sabotaged everything we had and in the process completely tainted the way I think of you as a person and a friend. We both admitted we were happy and it was the best relationship we had ever had.

 

When I talk to you now I still get angry -- you have never apologized to me in a heartfelt way. You have never been honest with me about what happened with you. It feels like you think I should just "get over" what happened when you haven't ever really tried to make amends for everything.

 

You wanted me out of your life so badly. You pushed me and pushed me and pushed me and pushed me away. I loved you so much and was willing to fight for what we had. To accept that we were both terrified but it was worth the effort. So now you have what you want.

 

As much as you don't want to talk about this -- this is completely unresolved. you can't hurt people and never apologize and just expect things to go back to normal. I can't be friends or talk to you in the future unless you are willing to make amends for the things that happened.”

 

I actually did not think he would respond – but it felt good to write it and get out how I was feeling and that I was still hurting. He wrote back and said he wanted to speak to me on the phone. I agreed but was very nervous this time and had my best friend there with me in case things got out of hand (for support).

 

When we got on the phone he apologized – finally. He told me that how he treated me has been weighing on him. He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about it and feels really badly. He said that he is sorry for the way he treated me and he didn’t mean any of it. I just listened while he talked.

 

After he was finished he said “I want to see you and get together.” I was surprised. I said “Um… I don’t know. I need more time.” And he said “Let me know when you are ready.”

 

I feel good about the talk and how things went – overall it made me feel better.

 

It also made me realize that I think I have been holding out hope. I don’t know why but I think somewhere there is some part of me that thinks it could still work out. That we still love each other.

[Blanco]

I read the first page and the last couple. He sounds like a crappy guy, but the onus is now on you to find closure and move on. I understand it's not easy to move on from a relationship where you feel the other person was heavily to blame for it coming apart. But here's a dose of reality for these situations:

 

Nothing you say, write, or express will ever change this person's way of thinking.

 

I'm guilty of writing letters and having sit-down talks with my now ex while we were together. It almost never accomplished anything. I was certainly not free of blame for problems in the relationship, but in three years, I think she apologized a handful of times. More times than not, she either justified her actions or somehow turned them around on me so that I was the one who was actually in the wrong. At times near the end, I felt like she was gaslighting me.

 

I have felt a lot of resentment since I left the relationship; lots of anger; lots of hurt. You know how much of that she's heard about? NONE. When I feel like telling her something or trying to point out how she was wrong about something, I write it down in a notebook I keep. I don't ever toy with texting or emailing her this. You know why? Because she is who she is and she's not going to change. She told me straight up after we broke up that she's realized she can be emotionally unavailable, and she doesn't necessarily see that as a bad thing. That's it. With that mindset, it doesn't matter what I think or so or do, because you can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed. And in those rare instances where people actually WANT to change, it comes from within, not because someone wrote them a sternly-worded email.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I'm really disappointed with this thread. I saw the title in its updated form, and assumed that the latest update would be about the progress you've made distancing yourself from this toxic relationship; changes you've made in your life to help you move on. But it sounds like you aren't much further long than you were when you started this thread. I can only assume the rest of this thread has followed the same pattern of you focusing entirely too much on him and the relationship.

 

You're going to look back years from now and want to kick yourself for wasting almost a year OBSESSING about this loser and finding any way you can to stay connected to him, be it with "final emails" or letting him get you riled up when he reaches out to contact you.

[BC1980]

I know it might feel a little better now, but what you did accomplished nothing in the long run. You will never resolve anything from him. Apologies do little to resolve anger and mean almost nothing when the damage has been done. You are still going to have to process the anger you feel towards him.

 

Now, you almost seem like you have hope to get back together again, and you opened the door for more contact. This is the same old cycle that will repeat itself over and over again.

[Blanco]

You can't mess up when you don't do anything.

 

The problem with long-winded emails, aside from striving to do the impossible (change the other person), is that your true motives become more visible to the recipient.

 

About four months ago, I accepted I couldn't keep seeing my ex's two young children, because I hadn't been able to get past her already being in a new relationship. I wrote a relatively succinct letter about it, but not succinct enough. Where I only intended to say that I couldn't keep seeing them as much as it pained me to admit it, a couple of my lady friends read it after and agreed that it read more like a letter from someone wanting another chance. And while that wasn't my intent, deep down, I was probably feeling that way, and I think that shone through in my letter, unintentional as it was.

[elephantflower]

I don't know what I want or what I feel at this point.

 

I did what I did because I thought it would help me feel better. And it did to a certain degree. I'm not sure that the approach needs to be the same for every person -- we aren't all the same. When you have a deep connection with someone it's not so easy to just completely cut them out. I've had a really difficult time doing that -- I feel like I am abandoning someone that I care about.

 

When he called me I didn't say anything. I didn't really reply or say yes or know to anything. He pretty much talked and then we got off the phone.

 

All I was expressing was that maybe I haven't been able to let it go because there is still a part of me that feels like he is in love with me. I'm still unable to wrap my head around what happened -- it feels like a dream/nightmare. We were so happy at one point. It just literally switched one day. I am having major trouble letting go.

 

For everyone who has talked about my obsessing, yes, that's true. I hate myself for that and I hate that I am this way and my brain is this way. It's almost like I can't focus on anything else. If you met me in real life you would have no idea I'm like this -- I'm good at hiding this side of myself. Except for my best friend, I haven't even brought up this relationship to people in months... from the outside it would appear I've moved on. I clearly haven't. I don't talk about it in real life because I realize this is insane. I realize that I have some sort of issue that is preventing me from moving forward and I'm ashamed by that. I feel pathetic. I come here so I DO have an outlet since I don't feel like I can talk about it with anyone else.

 

I'm not delusional about my behavior. I have a lot of shame over the fact that this has almost overtaken me. I come here so I can try to process everything that is going on -- there were times when I wouldn't even completely share with my therapist because I thought she would judge me.

 

I think I'm so consumed with being rejected. With feeling like I did everything "right" this time. Was a great partner and I think because of that I still feel like maybe I did something wrong. I still grapple with the way he was treating me in the end and it has MAJORLY effected my self esteem so badly that I sometimes have trouble even talking with men - I get nervous and feel like I'm being judged.

 

I have trouble with the fact that I don't have a grasp on what happened. The fact that I feel like he still loved me and I still love him. I can't seem to accept that things sometimes just "don't work out.." there has to be a reason. How do you literally go from one day making plans to buy a house to changing your mind completely?

 

I have trouble with thinking about him with someone else. Major trouble.

 

I don't know how to cope anymore. I feel horrible about myself. It's great for everyone who was able to go NC from the start or can hate someone and just let it go right away or who is able to concentrate on something else.

[Emma1a]

Hi elephantflower.

Not that you don't already know but I wanted to tell you that you're not alone at all. Mine and your feelings right now are very similar. Right now I'm on the horrible roller coaster ride that we both know is very painful and unpredictable. I'm 27 years old and dealing with a recent break up as well. We were together for over 8 years, and now things are just not right at all. I am feeling a lot of anxiety, depression, not being able to eat, no sleep, just over all not doing so well.

One thing I believe you should keep in mind is the way you have described yourself as being positive, friendly, professional, kind, generous. Honestly you seem like a very good person and there should be more people like you in this world. I know its hard, but just by reading what you have posted I can tell you that you deserve so much more.

Just know its not your fault and there are people that would love to have a person like you in their life, as a friend or a girlfriend.

 

 

Hi east!! I'm in the exact situation with you - together 8 years since hs. But mines only 5 months since bu. I was pretty good for a few weeks not talking to or seeing him but saw him two nights ago which really set me back and now I can't stop checking anything he has online

[BC1980]

I have trouble with the fact that I don't have a grasp on what happened. The fact that I feel like he still loved me and I still love him. I can't seem to accept that things sometimes just "don't work out.." there has to be a reason. How do you literally go from one day making plans to buy a house to changing your mind completely?

 

There isn't always a clear reason because emotions don't work like that. Unless there is a reason like cheating, which is clear, you probably won't ever understand what happened. To this day, I really can't give you a reason that my ex left me. He just didn't love me enough to want to stick with me for the long haul. You will never understand because your feelings are different than your ex's feelings. You can only understand your feelings.

 

I think that the main reason you are still in such a funk is that you have continued to have contact him and maintained hope for so long. You continue to focus on him and not you. You are constantly in a reactionary mode, and you are reacting to him. You have made very few conscious efforts to be active in moving on. I agree that cutting someone out of your life is very difficult. Most people do struggle with NC, and most people aren't able to go NC right away. A lot of people keep up connections with an ex under the guise of "maturity." Let's be real. The reason most people keep up with an ex is because they want a second chance.

 

Endings are sad. They are difficult and cause a lot of emotional trauma and strife. I still sometimes think how weird it is that I spent such a long time with a person that I thought I was going to marry. Now, I have nothing to do with him. He is a stranger to me. So yes, I understand how difficult it can be to wrap your head around that concept because I still haven't completely done it. All I can say is that you have to accept your present reality. Stop living in the past. Your ex is the past, and continued contact does nothing to help you move on.

[Blanco]

You aren't giving yourself a real shot at healing, at least, healing any time in the foreseeable future.

 

You can continue writing 500-word essay updates, but the truth is, most of these can be summed up with, "I don't want to be over him." Moving on is difficult for most people. It's virtually impossible to do when you don't really want to. And you DON'T want to. So you can blame your obsessive thinking, your need for closure, and your need for answers as reasons why you're still stuck. Those are all factors and not without merit, yet none of those things would be nearly as potent if you truly wanted to be done with this guy.

[Blanco]

I say these things because I'm going through something similar myself. My ex and I were not compatible in some big ways, and we didn't have a (good) future ahead of us. But it was still hard for me to walk away, especially because it meant losing the family unit. It felt almost impossible to overcome once I found out she was dating someone new; someone she's still with six months later, by the way.

 

In this time, I've run the gamut of emotions. I've analyzed everything to death, hoping to reveal answers. Some of this was necessary for my own self-development. I realized some things I wanted to change so that I can be a better partner in my next relationship.

 

Overall, though, I long ago passed the point where analysis was useful. Because the relationship is OVER and it has been for many months. Even if she weren't with someone now, we would have no future together, because we didn't really have one when we WERE together. I've taken anything useful to learn from this relationship and breakup. Now, me feeling stuck or saddened periodically is really more a symptom of my deep desire to not really let go completely. My situation feels harder, because her children meant more to me after a while than she did, and so letting go completely also means letting them go. But I've hit a point in my recovery where it's increasingly obvious that doing this is the only way I can really move on with my life. And that's kind of terrifying sometimes.

[elephantflower]

I feel really resentful of comments like this; this is judgmental. I write 500-word essays because it is an outlet for me because I want to talk about it and sometimes for me that means being repetitive. No one here should be judging how many times I come here or how much I write -- it's not helpful at all and makes me hate this place. I'm here for all the reasons that everyone else is here.

 

"You can continue writing 500-word essay updates, but the truth is, most of these can be summed up with, "I don't want to be over him.""

 

Maybe I don't want to be over him. I don't really know at this point. I think I want what I had. I'm not sure if I'm blaming my obsessive thinking -- I am just obsessive thinker, I hate it. I never said that's not why I'm not over him.

 

Also, it's great for you that you've moved past whatever ****ing stage you were in. **** you. Seriously -- I'm not you. I get what everyone is saying in terms of being stuck... those things are true. But **** everyone who keeps saying "it's been 6 months and I'm so way ahead of you, you are doing everything wrong." Maybe I have been and maybe you are ahead of me -- I am where I am, I don't need your judgement of my situation.

 

BC1980 is my favorite poster because she is to the point but she doesn't sit there and say things like "why do you write so much" "what's wrong with you" "why aren't you further along." COMMENTS LIKE THAT DON'T HELP ANYONE AT ALL.

 

In terms of figuring out what I can do better for the next relationship this is also something that bothers me. I don't really know. I'm not perfect but I was a good partner. The things that he complained about were trivial (in my opinion) -- I can't cut onions the right way, I get lost sometimes[bad at directions], etc. I'm sure there were things I could improve on but I was criticized about everything so I don't really have a point of reference for the real important things to take moving forward. It bothers me because with every relationship you want to learn from it... and I feel like my lesson is don't date *******s... but I don't even know how to do that because he wasn't even an ******* for most of our relationship.

[justsounsure]

Elephant,

 

**Hugs**

 

Please selectively read replies on here. Not everyone here is an expert on breakups (as much as they try and act like it). The caveat is that everyone's experience is so unique. There is no steadfast right answer for every person, and every situation.

 

I am a strong proponent for NC, because it's been right for me in the past.

 

HOWEVER - I am currently dealing with a breakup that has had off and on NC attempts, and at times, I'm finding that some contact, or even limited contact, is better for me in this particular situation. So for the first time in my life, I'm not preaching NC all over the place. It's not right for me this time.

 

I am kind of where you are. I am about 5 months out, and I don't want to get over it. I'm still in love. I'm pretty sure that my ex is still in love with me. It's a very strange situation. Sometimes cutting her off feels right, and sometimes it feels like the meanest thing I could do to both of us. I recently broke the longest NC we've every had (5 weeks), and I'm glad that I did. Did anything change? No. But I got some things off my chest, and, to be honest, it felt really good to talk to her.

 

Don't beat yourself up. Especially in times like these. Let time do it's healing, and do whatever it needs to do (things we don't even know it's going to do yet). If your timing is 2 years, and someone else's is 4 months, who cares? Some people just take longer. Some situations are just harder, or more complex, than others.

 

I've had 2 VERY tough breakups before in my life, and both of those took exactly 5 months, strict NC, and I woke up one day, and I was over it. This one has already been 5 months, and I'm not further along than I was when we first broke up (maybe 10%). And it's partly because I knew those other breakups were ultimately for the best. This one, I'm not so sure. A lot of it doesn't make sense to me. So if it takes me years to be okay, I am prepared for that.

 

Be your own best friend. Feel for yourself. When your hurt, cry for yourself. I'm not saying to pity yourself, but rather, be kind to the fact that you are still hurting. It's okay. I agree with you ... a lot of people on here are awfully harsh. I feel like a lot of them have hardened from all the hurt. I take pride that my heart can take a beating time and time again, and can still be soft as ever. I want to keep it that way. If you do too, there's nothing wrong with that. ***HUGS***

[Blanco]

I feel really resentful of comments like this; this is judgmental. I write 500-word essays because it is an outlet for me because I want to talk about it and sometimes for me that means being repetitive. No one here should be judging how many times I come here or how much I write -- it's not helpful at all and makes me hate this place. I'm here for all the reasons that everyone else is here.

 

"You can continue writing 500-word essay updates, but the truth is, most of these can be summed up with, "I don't want to be over him.""

 

Maybe I don't want to be over him. I don't really know at this point. I think I want what I had. I'm not sure if I'm blaming my obsessive thinking -- I am just obsessive thinker, I hate it. I never said that's not why I'm not over him.

 

Also, it's great for you that you've moved past whatever ****ing stage you were in. **** you. Seriously -- I'm not you. I get what everyone is saying in terms of being stuck... those things are true. But **** everyone who keeps saying "it's been 6 months and I'm so way ahead of you, you are doing everything wrong." Maybe I have been and maybe you are ahead of me -- I am where I am, I don't need your judgement of my situation.

 

BC1980 is my favorite poster because she is to the point but she doesn't sit there and say things like "why do you write so much" "what's wrong with you" "why aren't you further along." COMMENTS LIKE THAT DON'T HELP ANYONE AT ALL.

 

In terms of figuring out what I can do better for the next relationship this is also something that bothers me. I don't really know. I'm not perfect but I was a good partner. The things that he complained about were trivial (in my opinion) -- I can't cut onions the right way, I get lost sometimes[bad at directions], etc. I'm sure there were things I could improve on but I was criticized about everything so I don't really have a point of reference for the real important things to take moving forward. It bothers me because with every relationship you want to learn from it... and I feel like my lesson is don't date *******s... but I don't even know how to do that because he wasn't even an ******* for most of our relationship.

 

Sorry, but your response is way harsher than anything anyone else has posted. Where in my post did I boast about being so far ahead of you, or ahead at all? If anything, I tried to empathize with you because as I said, I'm going through something very similar.

 

And because of this, I feel I have insights as to why you may still be feeling so bad after seven months. You can't let go because you don't want to let go. I've been there. And as I said in my supposedly judgmental post, I think I'm somewhat there right now in my own situation!

 

I think the biggest issue at play here is that this man has played hot and cold with you nearly all year. By your descriptions, he has been emotionally manipulative and inconsiderate to how his actions are affecting you. I know it's not so easy to say and FEEL like, "Well, the heck with him," in light of that, but you really need to ask yourself why you feel like you don't deserve better.

 

You say you want what you had. Could you ever really trust this man again given what he's put you through? Relationships don't exist in stasis; they either grow or they die. This guy has given you a lot of red flags. I've been known to ignore many red flags myself in the pursuit of a relationship I thought would be otherwise OK. I've been hurt because of this. And I can see you've been hurt by ignoring red flags, too.

 

So again, I'm sorry that you think I or anyone else is being too harsh. It just seems that based on what you've given us, this man has kept you in a state of arrested development for nearly a year. I think many of us are just curious why you don't think you deserve better.

[Blanco]

In terms of figuring out what I can do better for the next relationship this is also something that bothers me. I don't really know. I'm not perfect but I was a good partner. The things that he complained about were trivial (in my opinion) -- I can't cut onions the right way, I get lost sometimes[bad at directions], etc. I'm sure there were things I could improve on but I was criticized about everything so I don't really have a point of reference for the real important things to take moving forward. It bothers me because with every relationship you want to learn from it... and I feel like my lesson is don't date *******s... but I don't even know how to do that because he wasn't even an ******* for most of our relationship.

 

And this is something you have to remind yourself of again and again when you feel yourself missing him. My ex was often critical of the little things, too. She didn't understand why those comments got to me after a while. In some ways, those are as bad as major issues, because the trivial complaints just keep coming and chip away at you until you feel like you don't do anything the "right" way. It sucks being with someone like that and I have learned through this experience that I will not entertain another relationship where my partner relentless cuts down the way I go about every little thing.

[elephantflower]

Hi Blanco-- What you said in your most recent posts was fine. It's not that I think people can't be honest I just get annoyed on this forum when I feel like there is a judgement of my process in terms of writing a 500 word essay or posting a lot or talking about this a lot. I feel like that is not helpful to people -- some people write a bunch and some people hold everything inside.

 

No, realistically, I'm not sure I could trust him. Everyone is right and I agree with what everyone has said in terms of needing to let go and move on. Part of the reason I post a lot is to remind myself what happened and what I went through. I'll start to forget how bad it got and sometimes coming on here and talking about it -- other people are able to point out "hey, it sounds like maybe he wasn't treating you very great."

 

I think a huge thing right now has been how he treated me and feeling like it was ME. I get jealous and think he is dating someone else and maybe not doing that to her. And then I get pissed and feel like it's not fair. Obviously, I have no idea what is really going on - I'm just saying the thoughts that come to me. The way he treated me was subtle -- it's not like he went around just calling me a bitch and being outwardly mean. It was a slow things and started out really infrequently.

 

I think part of my reason why I'm bad with red flags is that after I got divorced EVERYTHING was a red flag. I never got past 2-3 dates with anyone because I was always convinced that something was really wrong... someone could walk the wrong way and I would be convinced it was a bad sign. So when I got involved with this person I was like "Im not going to be so critical, I dont want to ruin it."

 

Nothing I'm saying at this point feels like it makes any sense. It's almost as if there are two people in my brain -- I miss the good person but when I really stop and think about it I was TERRIFIED of him in the end. And when I think about that I'm glad it is over. But then I think... maybe there is something that could have been done. I dont know what prevents me from letting go. Perhaps its a control issue on my part.

[Blanco]

No, I get what you're saying. And I can relate. I was the one who ended my relationship, but I didn't want to. I felt like I had to, both for short-term and long-term reasons. She had become increasingly critical of me while we lived together and I honestly felt like she was usually just projecting her displeasure with the relationship by coming after me for tiny issues. Even if she hadn't, though, I don't know if our future followed the same path. She has two children and at this point, I don't think she wants any more. I think I want one, since I have none. She doesn't really care if she gets married. I think I'd like to. Basically, we were living together but not really building a life TOGETHER. And that would've come to the forefront eventually.

 

But it doesn't make it easier a lot of the time, because I'm now living alone while she still has her two children. It's not that I think she has it EASIER, but the change has been less drastic for her. On top of that, she's now been with a recently divorced guy for the last six months. In some key ways, their place in life syncs up. It's unlikely he wants more kids (already has two), who knows how he feels about marriage, and I think right now, he's just happy to have the companionship of a beautiful younger woman.

 

So good for her, but it's still very hard not to feel bitter sometimes, because one perspective is that she quickly moved on from our three-year relationship to a new one without missing a beat. Add in that this guy is in another stratosphere financially (six figures, easy), which allows him to throw money around my ex; something that she's never had another guy able to do for her. She's not a gold-digger, but that can't hurt any, right?

 

Bottom line is even if the new relationship doesn't pan out, it's still a better fit for her than any relationship with me would be. And I kind of hate that, but I know a lot of that is dumb pride on my part and the feeling of loss from no longer being in the kids' lives. It will heal with time, but I have to continually make sure I'm doing what I can to aid that healing. Over the six months, I can tell you that I've made some big mistakes that only kept me stuck. It's a lousy feeling, so I do know what you're going through, and know that in some crazy way, not wanting to fully let go is fueled by the fear that this is our last true connection to this person.

[15Love]

I feel so much like you do. You're not alone in your struggles in anyway.

 

Did you ever get together with him?

 

Does he actaully want to try again?

[jasxo]

You mentioned earlier that you were the one that broke up with him at one point... Do you think if it ended by your choice it wouldn't feel this bad? And it's really the rejection that's killing you?

[elephantflower]

A lot has happened in the past month and I wanted to write an update.

 

Since my last post my ex and I actually got together. After we spoke on the phone the last time and he apologized we started texting again. He asked me to come over to his place for dinner. It was actually really nice – we spent the evening talking, catching up and had sex. I spent the night. Since then we have gotten together about 4 times, each with increased emotional closeness initiated by him.

 

On Sunday he asked me to come over and we spent the afternoon bike riding, cooking dinner, baking a pie, going on a walk. Every time we have spent the night together and it has been great. He has opened up a lot.

 

I am slightly confused at this point though. 1) I’m not really sure what I want; 2) I’m not really sure what he wants and I’m not sure that he is sure he knows what he wants.

 

Being connected again has been so nice.

 

On Sunday – he brought up the fact that he feels pressure to settle down. Not from me but from his family/society… I think he was just sharing and not sure if he was relating that to me. Then he said “I don’t want you to think that because we are talking again and have been hanging out that we are getting back together.” I said “ok.” But then in the next sentence he said “I have been thinking a lot about us getting back together. I miss you and still think about you all the time. A part of me really does want us to get back together” I said that I have thought about it too but it wouldn’t be as easy as just “getting back together.” He said “I’m worried we would have the same problems and we would break up.” When he says this I didn’t really understand because we didn’t really have a ton of problems – we had normal ones but we got along really well. I didn’t probe him anymore about it. I just think it’s confusing to go from “don’t think we will get back together” to “a part of me wants us to get back together.”

 

It makes me feel like he is confused which then confuses me. My approach has just to be supportive and continue with my life. Over the past month I have started to feel better but since Sunday I admittedly have missed him. He admitted he still has feelings for me. And I obviously do too. The talks we have had have been really wonderful – they have been deep and meaningful. He said he hasn’t been dating anyone and neither have I. He and I are not dating.

 

So all of this happened and then (not surprisingly) on Tuesday I went to re-friend request him on Facebook. We have been talking and hanging out and I thought it was okay at this point. He sent me a text that said “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be friends on facebook.” I didn’t respond or reply to what he said because I feel like he uses moves like that when he feels vulnerable. It always seem like when we get close he pulls away.

 

How would you approach this situation? I’m proceeding very cautiously. I’ve been reading a lot about people with intimacy issues and he fits all of the normal criteria. They say the best thing to do is keep your distance and give them space which I’ve been doing anyway. I would consider getting back together – I personally don’t think this is irretrievably broken or unfixable if that’s what we both want.

 

A part of me wants to continue hanging out like we have been to see if we can organically reconnect but I definitely feel myself holding back. I wonder if he was trying to bring up the topic of getting back together and I shut it down by saying “it wouldn’t be as easy as just ‘getting back together’.” I’m not really sure what to do at this point – I feel confused again. And I’m slightly confused why he would bring up getting back together if that’s not what he really wants to do?

 

How do I navigate being strong but also patient?

[BC1980]

He's using you for sex and companionship. I know you don't want to believe that, but it's the truth. The fact that he didn't re friend you on FB says a lot. It's a huge red flag. At best, he wants to keep you at arm's length. At worst, he doesn't want his connection to you to be public because he wants to date someone else or might already have someone.

 

Every single line he had fed you is code for: "it's over, but I really like having readily available sex and companionship." And trust me, when he finds someone else, he will say that you understood the terms and you weren't exclusive.

[BC1980]

How do I navigate being strong but also patient?

 

You don't. You walk away and tell him not to contact you unless he is clear in his intentions to get back together. You can't navigate this because he's in the driver's seat. Ironically, what you are doing is having the opposite affect if you want him to commit and make a decision.

 

I will tell you the harsh truth. In his eyes, you have demeaned yourself because you are offering sex with no strings attached. To a guy, that is when he no longer respects you, and you don't come back from that. You see sex with him as an expression of love and hope of commitment. He doesn't see it like that.

[elephantflower]

I actually don't see sex that way at all. I've always had casual relationships with no problem. The sex stuff is the least of my issues with this. I actually think he sees it as more of a commitment than I do. I also like having readily available sex and companionship. He seemed to be struggling more with the question "where is this going" if we keep doing this than I was. I honestly hadn't given it TONS of thought until he said he had thought about getting back together. Then I thought -- I guess he has been thinking about it.

 

I'm more focused on the emotional conversations we were having and the fact that he admitted that he still had feelings for me. I thought that he probably didn't accept my friend request because he wanted to try and maintain control -- I feel like he probably felt out of control when he said his feeling to me and I didn't immediately reciprocate.