Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[elephantflower]

Ugh. You are right. I felt fine when he first sent it and was proud of myself for not responding but now I feel mad again.

 

I want to know why he is asking me.

 

These are the things going through my head:

-Why are you asking me?

-Are you asking me because you are curious?

-Are you asking me because you hope I will be there?

-Are you asking me because that girl won’t be there in anymore?

-Are you asking me because that girl will still be there and you want to see if I will also be there?

-Why does it matter if I’m going or not?

-If I’m going how does that change anything?

 

I guess my feeling is if he is SO over this then why is he asking me these things? Why does he care if I’m there or not? Why does he need to know?

 

If I broke up with someone I wouldn’t even care what they were doing – this is why it’s confusing to me.

[elephantflower]

Getting more and more angry as I’m at work. I don’t know why. I know the bombardment of responses are going to be – this is why you should have blocked him.

 

I haven’t responded – maybe that’s why I didn’t block because I wanted to show myself I could? Sometimes I wonder if I purposefully torture myself.

 

Part of me just wants to respond and say “Why do you want to know?” or “Yes, why?”

[Simon Phoenix]

I feel like you personally thrive on this drama, that in some sick way you kind of like it. Otherwise, I don't think you'd continuously sabotage yourself like you do.

 

It's clear he's going to do whatever he wants despite anything you say. So you need to stop talking to him, stop acknowledging him, stop sleeping with him, and you need to block him everywhere. I know you're sick of people saying that, but damn, you gotta do it, if simply to save you from yourself. Unless you don't want to be saved and you want to continue to participate in this drama, then do what you want I guess.

[elephantflower]

I'm too upset to go into details but it's done. I stood up to him and called him out on things. I told him I didnt want him to contact me again. I'm really angry and super upset. I feel used.

 

I've blocked him everywhere. For real, for the last time. This is it for me.

[HurtinPDX]

My ex is an abusive NPD and I was in a cycle like yours for longer than I want to admit. I let myself get treated like dirt. Getting therapy for my role as a co-dependent has been hugely helpful for me. There are also books and websites, if you haven't checked into them yet.

 

I honestly believe our brains get addicted to this kind of drama. We think it is love but it is not love. It is a hormonal rush, from fear to relief. Take it away and all of a sudden we have to confront our own self, and after abuse that self is not happy. The bottom line is you will need to accept the pain. You will be in pain once you realize the fundamental truth: Your relationship is over. It will NEVER WORK. There will be a lot of pain when you make that realization. You have to say goodbye to him in every way you can. Forever.

 

I've been doing a lot of rituals along with therapy and self-care. The rituals have been very helpful. I've done goodbye rituals, grieving rituals and pissed as hell rituals.

 

You can do this. We can do this together.

[BC1980]

I'm glad you blocked him. Try to put it into perspective. Instead of working on yourself and trying to rebuild your life today, you were sidelined by more of his shenanigans. It's a waste of time.

[Simon Phoenix]

Beware though, he's going to try again. Because it's an ego thing with him. Whatever you do, no more telling him off. This has to be completely it, or you're going to be here in another eight months in the same state.

[elephantflower]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your replies and support. I really needed it today.

 

First of all, I do think I have an issue with drama. I am embarrassed by it -- it's like I wish I wasn't in this situation but I have kept getting sucked back in. I have never felt like this so strongly.

 

When he originally texted me I immediately came here and also emailed two of my friends. We talked through why his text was making me so angry. And the decided I should speak my mind and stand up for myself which I don't usually do.

 

I will outline the convo below:

 

Him: are you going to the Halloween party?

 

Me: why do you want to know?

 

Him: so I can mentally prepare for it to be awkward [at this point I was furious. He was only texting me because the new girl was going to be there and didn't want it to be awkward for HIM?!]

 

Me: that's not my problem

 

Him: so you're not going to tell me if you are going or not?

 

Me: no, I don't need to tell you where I go or what I do - we aren't Facebook friends, remember?

 

Him: ok, fine.

 

Him: I feel like you are trying to get into a fight and are baiting me. Fine, I won't ask about your personal life anymore.

 

[at this point I was going to stop but I was so angry. I texted my best friend and explained that I felt like I needed to stand up for myself and go her opinion on my response]

 

Me: I am not trying to start a fight. I am just shocked you would text me to ask if I'm going to be at a party given you didn't even accept my friend request. We had been hanging out and you acted like we were friends -- you told me you missed me and that you wanted to get back together but we're scared. Then you rejected my request and told me about someone new... The had the audacity to text me to see if I was going to be at a party so it wouldn't be weird for YOU. Did to ever stop to think that it might be awkward for the person you broke up with that I would see you with someone new? That doesn't mean you should bring her but I don't need to hear about it.

 

Him: I knew this was going to happen. This is why I didn't text you this week. I knew this was going to turn into a fight.

 

Me: I'm not fighting. When I asked you if you were dating anyone you told me "here and there." You never told me you had been seeing someone since June and sleeping with someone else.

 

Him: I didn't know I needed to tell you because we weren't dating. Would you tel someone?

 

Me: ive had more causal things before but not after I've been seeing someone for 4 months so I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you shouldn't have been sleeping with me and telling me you miss me while dating someone else then you wouldn't have to worry about it.

 

Him: her friend is one of the djs at the party so she would have gone whether i invited her or not. So I should have told you she was going? You just wanted to wait until you saw me grinding her at the party? That seems meaner to me. Don't act like it's not going to be awkward if you are there.

 

Me: I wasn't going or not going to the party based on your attendance. Do you want me to send you a list of everyone at the party I've ever gone out with? I didn't text you worrying if you would be there or not.

 

Him: I just want to be able to tell her ahead of time if you will be there.

 

Me: do I need to get an std test?

 

Him: no

 

Me: great. Yeah, I'm going to the party. Hope you can sleep better now. Don't ever contact me again.

 

Him. Ok

Edited October 21, 2015 by elephantflower

[elephantflower]

I feel horrible right now. I feel like I was so incredibly mean. I hate myself. I hate myself. I feel like I could have handled it better maybe. Why do I always do this?

[BC1980]

I feel horrible right now. I feel like I was so incredibly mean. I hate myself. I hate myself. I feel like I could have handled it better maybe. Why do I always do this?

 

You weren't mean. Think about what he did every time you feel that way. Honestly, I got a nice little chuckle about you asking him about getting tested for an STD. Everything you said was true, but your ex didn't like being called out. Amazing how he can turn it around and make you feel like the mean one.

[elephantflower]

Thanks - that makes me feel better. I think when stand up for myself I typically feel bad. This was not verbatim - I immediately deleted the convo because I knew I would obsessively look at it.

 

I thought of one other thing he said when I said I didn't need to tell him what I was doing. He said ok fine and said "well then don't send me articles anymore." He is referring to an article I sent a few weeks ago about a discussion we had a few days after we hung out. I'm not sure how in his mind he was equating an article to asking about about party I'm going to.

 

I also tried to get the point across that it's not like he was just legitimately asking if I was going to a party... Not like "hey, are you going to the Halloween party. I'm going might see you there." He was obviously specifically asking because he didn't want me to be there and was hoping k wouldn't go.

 

I really think he thought after he sent the text last week about her coming that I wouldn't go. And I think he tried to make me feel bad by saying "you know it will be awkward if you go." Actually no, not really. I'm not going to hangout with you and I probably know more people at the party than you. We do have mutual friends there but I also know other people not associated with him.

 

My guess is he is panicking because he knows he has been sleeping with me and I'm sure the other girl has no clue. That's not my problem. Guess you shouldn't do that.

 

Anyway, everything is still blocked and I want to keep it that way. I feel really done this time. Maybe I needed this.

[AcceptThePresent]

Elephantflower,

 

Baggage Reclaim is a great blog. The current post is spot on for your situation.

 

Um, *Why* Are You Telling Me This? [When Exes & ?Friends? Tell You Stuff You *Really* Don?t Need To Know] | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[Simon Phoenix]

You weren't mean. Think about what he did every time you feel that way. Honestly, I got a nice little chuckle about you asking him about getting tested for an STD. Everything you said was true, but your ex didn't like being called out. Amazing how he can turn it around and make you feel like the mean one.

 

Which is why she needs to stop doing that. It doesn't matter how much she "calls him out", it's falling on deaf ears. All it does is get her worked up. Nothing she says will make any impact, and the sooner she realizes this, the better. Silence is the only thing that will make a positive impact for her while also telling him that it's time to buzz off.

[elephantflower]

I agree that at this point silence is needed. Whatever has transpired over the past months needed to happened for me to get here. In an ideal world, next time (next relationship) after the breakup I will have worked in therapy to have better coping mechanisms and tools to possibly make better decisions.

 

I finally right now, feel like I'm done. I feel good that I stood up for myself and whether it was "right" or "wrong" I'm also kind of glad that over the past two months we hung out just so I could see he hasn't changed and I finally stop blaming myself for everything. Again, ideally (and next time) better tools for coping in a healthier way but I don't want to beat myself up anymore about what I should or shouldn't have done.

 

I really feel like I got sucked in - I'm not saying it was his "fault" but he definitely made it seem like he actually cared about me when he apologized and wanted to hang out again but it ended up being the same thing over.

 

This has been one of the only times I have flat out told him exactly how I feel. I tend to really hold back or tiptoe or take comments because I don't want to make the other person upset. Whether he got it or not at least I showed myself I can assert boundaries.

[elephantflower]

Going through a rollercoaster right now.

 

I actually think it is possible that I’m somehow addicted to drama or this situation. I’m trying to apply logic as to why but I don’t know the answer – it’s almost like I can’t stop. I wonder if this has something to with my anxiety or somehow feeling rejected?

 

I want to write him an email. I don’t actually think I should but I want to. I want to keep coming here to cope with these feelings I have so I can move forward.

[BC1980]

Going through a rollercoaster right now.

 

I actually think it is possible that I’m somehow addicted to drama or this situation. I’m trying to apply logic as to why but I don’t know the answer – it’s almost like I can’t stop. I wonder if this has something to with my anxiety or somehow feeling rejected?

 

I want to write him an email. I don’t actually think I should but I want to. I want to keep coming here to cope with these feelings I have so I can move forward.

 

I think it's beneficial to write it out, but don't send it. He might not even read it if you send it. At best, he would probably roll his eyes and think you are being dramatic. An ex has the most motivation of anyone to minimize your feelings, rewrite the story, and paint you as the crazy one.

[elephantflower]

Well I’m sure I will get yelled at but I ended up sending one last text. I didn’t want to email because I’ve closed my email and I want it to stay that way. It was important for me to express everything I didn’t say whenI was angry yesterday. This really is the last text/conversation:

 

I wrote:

 

“It’s really important for me to express how I feel.

 

When you texted me yesterday to ask me about the party I was angry because, as I said, your text was very self-focused. Here I was, thinking we were actually friends and you started to treat me poorly again (which you had to have realized in some capacity). I was hurt by that – but then to top it off you have to text me about someone new and the ONLY reason you were asking me about the party is because you didn’t want it to be weird for YOU. For you to say “don’t text me about Earth Treks anymore if you aren’t going to tell me what you are doing.” I texted you about Earth Treks because I thought you would be excited – I also sent that to 4 other people. I didn’t bring up anything about the party or girl because it’s none of my business.

 

You weren’t texting me yesterday because you actually cared if I was at the party like a friend would do – it was very apparent from the conversation you were hoping I wouldn’t be there. For you to get upset at ME when I wouldn’t tell you was really rude. If you really cared so much about my emotional well-being and feeling bad about seeing you with another girl why wouldn’t you have mentioned you were sleeping with someone else? I never would have had sex with you if I had known that, that’s really gross. I figured you were dating around since when I asked you your response was “here and there.” You acted like you were doing me a favor by telling me ahead of time she would be there but I guess my sexual health isn’t a priority? I think the only reason you mentioned it is because you were hoping I wouldn’t be there not because you wanted to spare my feelings.

 

So no, after you acting like you want to be friends (you actually told me you wanted to be friends multiple times), then you distancing yourself, then rejecting my friend request, then you telling me about a new girl – I didn’t really feel very peachy keen to tell you all about what I was doing when you have never asked about my job, my family, my vacation, my mom and your responses to my requests to engage in conversation have been one word answers.

 

I put myself out there again to try and heal from our relationship. I wanted to give you another chance to show that you were a good person. I was trying to be patient and understanding of your issues and show you that I was a good friend. I have been nothing but supportive and kind to you. You can’t keep bringing me back into your life, telling me you REALLY want to be friends and then treating me poorly. That is extremely hurtful and that is using someone. It feels like when you don’t have anything better to do you want to hang out but then when you have other things to do you toss people aside. I’m not okay with that.

 

Of course I’m going to the party. I have nothing to feel awkward about. My friends will be there and I love to dance. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

 

Him: You have a way of distorting things. I said having sex might be complicated. I'm not getting into a text convo. Call me if you want to talk.

 

Me: I never said that you didn't say that. You mentioned you thought having sex might be complicated. I was saying that there should be respect – sex or no sex. You acted like we were friends and then you acted distant. I just wanted to get out my feelings.

 

Him: What did you want with casual sex? A deep conversation? Wanted me to be nice to you?

 

Me: I thought we were actually friends. You had said we were friends. Multiple times. You called me and emailed me multiple times asking to be friends again. I had cut you out of my life and you called me crying and apologizing. We actually did have deep conversations and spent all day together where you told me you missed me and you maybe wanted to get back together. I don’t think it's fair to put the sex on me - with both did that. This doesn't have anything to do with the sex itself -- it has to do with just treating someone with kindness even if you have sex or don’t have sex with them. And yes, it was concerning you never mentioned anyone else so we could be safe.

 

Him: I'm done talking about this. I get that you are hurt I'm dating someone new. Let's just leave it at that and say bye again.

 

Me: You are acting like because we had something casual it was okay to be mean. I'm sorry you feel that way. Good luck with everything in the future and I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.

 

Him: What did I do that was mean?

 

Me: It's not ok to call me and apologize and then tell me you want to be friends, invite me over for dinner an act like we are friends. Text me all the time like we are friends. Continue to want to hang out like we are friends. Even after we started having sex it was fine. Then all of the sudden you started being rude. Just because we also happen to have sex shouldn’t change any of that at all. Rejecting my friend request and acting distant. Yes we had sex but if you take that out of the equation we talked a lot and spent time together. That’s all I’m saying is in the future be more cognizant of how you treat others. Sex is not an excuse to make someone feel bad. If you didn’t want to be friends you should have told me we were friends and continue to text me and ask me to hang out. How am I supposed to know you don’t want to be friends when you have begged me? You wanted to borrow books, to see my dog, to hang out, to call me, to text me, to email me… then all of the sudden you stop. So I was putting up a boundary saying “Hey, just in the future it’s not okay to tell someone you are friends and then ignore them.” If you want me out of your life so bad then don’t worry about what party I am going to… don't text me and tell me about a new girl. If you are SO concerned about those things why are you involving me in them? I never asked you and purposefully ignored your text last week - I got it, you were seeing someone new. But you had to push it... you had to keep asking if I was going to the party. It's exceedingly rude when you are ignoring me otherwise.

 

Him: I'm sorry for giving you different messages. I knew this was a bad idea all along.

 

Me: I appreciate that. Sex shouldn't change the way you treat someone. We both had sex – there should be respect.

 

Him: I wlll not get into something with you on Halloween. If you have anything you want to say, get it out now.

 

ME: I'm offended that you think I would make a scene.

 

Him: Well, get over it. Seems like anything I say or do hurts your feelings. It seems to me like your definition of "casual" is not seeing other people and sharing deep emotions, not being distant. Seems more like a relationship than casual.

 

Him: I’m sorry I said those things I just wrote. I didn’t mean them.

 

I’ve already blocked him again and that’s it. I needed to do this. It doesn’t matter if it got it or not – he will never get it.

Edited October 22, 2015 by elephantflower

[Simon Phoenix]

Well, this is the last one until the next one. Sorry, you just have this incessant need to get in your own way. Stop these overdramatic conversations. Please.

Edited October 22, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[Blanco]

If you want, I will mail you a notebook to write in so you can stop with these "final" texts and emails you've been sending periodically over the last several months.

 

I'm going to be blunt: This latest interaction with him makes YOU look like the unreasonable one. Whether you place high value on engaging in sex with someone or not, it's clear you were, to some degree, using it as a bargaining chip with this guy. Now that it's obvious he didn't view it as anything more than casual, it's eating away at you and you're projecting your anger over unfulfilled expectations onto him.

[Blanco]

Moreover, I think all of his responses are actually rational and mature. I understand based on what you've told us, he's not the greatest guy, but if someone were to see this one post without any other context, they would think you're the scorned ex girlfriend who won't stop bothering the guy.

 

Him: You have a way of distorting things. I said having sex might be complicated. I'm not getting into a text convo. Call me if you want to talk.

 

OK, so he at least verbalized that casually hooking up could complicate things. You conveniently omitted that previously. Also, props to him for wanting to actually TALK about this rather than text. One mistake I made in my last relationship was starting way too many serious, potentially thorny conversations with my now-ex via text instead of waiting to talk either face-to-face or on the phone. Text is a terrible way to deal with conflict.

 

Him: What did you want with casual sex? A deep conversation? Wanted me to be nice to you?

 

Well? What DID you want? Don't say "friendship," either, because that's definitely not true at this point in time. P.S. I've never slept with someone I only saw as a friend. Because it almost ALWAYS complicates things.

 

Him: I'm done talking about this. I get that you are hurt I'm dating someone new. Let's just leave it at that and say bye again.

 

Can't blame him here. I understand he has reached out from time to time, but this thread is proof that your hands aren't clean in that respect, either. Right now, you guys are just going around in circles, and he just isn't interested in engaging in that. Again, can't blame him.

 

Him: I wlll not get into something with you on Halloween. If you have anything you want to say, get it out now.

 

ME: I'm offended that you think I would make a scene.

 

Why wouldn't he be at least a little worried about this? You've shown an inability to bite your tongue again and again, so who's to say you wouldn't do that at a gathering where he's likely to be there with his new lady friend?

 

Him: Well, get over it. Seems like anything I say or do hurts your feelings. It seems to me like your definition of "casual" is not seeing other people and sharing deep emotions, not being distant. Seems more like a relationship than casual.

 

I'm surprised he apologized for this, because he's not wrong. You've complained about him, his words, his actions constantly in this thread, which you're entitled to do. But you continue to engage with this guy, which sends the message that what he's said or done in the past can't be all that bad if you keep coming back for more.

 

And he's not wrong that your idea of "casual" isn't very different from what most people would consider an exclusive relationship.

 

At this point, I agree with Simon. You're addicted to the drama, which is why you keep looking for more things to spar with him about.

[BC1980]

It does no good to continue to invest in a person who is not interested in what you have to say. Going into a casual sexual relationship with an ex is playing with fire. Especially when you still have feelings for him. I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way because I know you are in tremendous pain. But you've got to stop taking to him. He does not care. The harsh truth is that he didn't mislead you. Every single poster told you that he was just strining you along because it was so blatantly obvious.

 

I'm not trying to say "I told you so" because that's not helpful. But you've got to own your part in this if you want to move forward. Take this as a learning experience, so you cvs make better decisions next time.

[pidgeon1010]

Do not expect relationship-type treatment when you are not in a relationship. It doesn't matter if he opened up emotionally to you. Casual means casual. You have no right to dictate who the other person sleeps with or what the other person does in their free time when he/she is not with you, or when he/she will contact you, etc etc.

 

Don't agree to casual sex when you want a relationship with a man. It's very transparent that this was not casual for you and so now you feel slighted. Even taking the sex out of the equation, he didn't put much stock in the time you spent together and any "deep dark secrets" he may have shared with you.

 

Man or woman, being treated like crap stinks. Being taken for granted makes you feel unworthy. And both combined cause self doubt to begin to grow in the dark recesses of one's mind. Setting boundaries for how you want to be treated in life and in dating is very necessary if you want to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who respects you. When you let everything be a free-for-all in dating and in life, you get chaos in return. You get depression, suffering, pain, indecision, confusion, desperation and turmoiled emotions. Who wants to live like that? Who deserves to live like that? No one.

 

When you set boundaries you get health, well being and balance. You get happiness, success, crystal clear vision, strong decision making skills, confidence and respect - you grow dignity, you become enlightened.

 

Anyways it has happened, all you can do at this point is to learn from it and move on. Sorry you are hurting but you have to make an effort to move on. You have to. It hurts, it sucks but aren't you tired? This thing has been going on for almost a year. It has to end sometime. Hopefully this is it for you.

[elephantflower]

These comments made me really upset to read.

 

What I need for people to understand is it wasn't obvious to me. When someone is texting you all the time, telling you they want to get back together, calling you begging to be friends. I really believed that. It didn't start off as sex -- I had made an effort not to engage him for quite awhile and then called me to apologize.

 

When we started to hang out again he was texting me all the time, telling me he missed me, etc. we have a long history so it wasn't obvious to me what was happening. He absolutely did not need to tell me who he was dating -- I am so angry though because he brought me into it. Until a week ago we had been hanging out and talking and he even had mentioned us getting back together but said he was "scared." Once he figured out I might be going to this party is when he changed.

 

Fine. You changed you are dating someone. My whole entire point is that please don't call me and tell me you want me in your life - hang out with me when you feel like it but when it's inconvenient for you then toss me aside. That is what happened and that was hurtful. That is what I was saying. Yes or course over the past few weeks I thought it might be more - he told me he cared about me, missed me and maybe wanted to get back together and we were talking almost everyday.

 

When we ended up having sex he said "I wonder if we should do this?" And I said "I don't know maybe it could get complicated, maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore." Then he said "it could get complicated but i like your company."

 

So after all of that fine you are seeing someone. I didn't reply to his text, never said anything and didn't contact him after he told me. Didn't express anger openly to him at all. In fact, when I ignored his text he then texted me about giving something to my dog, which I also ignored. A week went by and he felt the need to text me again about this girl and ask me if I was going to be at the party.

 

I'm sorry but when you have been acting like we are friends, hanging out, talking and you tel me about a new girl, I left it alone. It made me furious that he was asking if I was going to be at the party. Fine you clearly don't want to be my friend. That's fine. Then leave me alone.

 

That's what this was about. He told me he had feelings too. He told me he missed me. I knew nothing of this girl. I said nothing except coming here to vent about it. But it's exceedingly rude to say all those things to me, beg for me to be back in your life and then ask me that because you don't want it to be awkward.

 

I had enough. That's what these messages have been about. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of feeling used and like he thinks it's ok to sometimes call me up and act nice and like and friend and then toss me aside when he feels like it.

 

I get I have a role in it. Trust me when I say I hate myself. I hate myself. Hopefully everyone will understand that. He is manipulative. That's how I feel. Yes of course I care about him. And I thought he cared about me. It was not apparent to me he hated me. When you want to hang out with someone, tel them you miss them, you don't want them to move. I didn't know. I really didn't.

 

Everything is blocked. I would appreciate the comments that are saying "yeah, until next time." Do you rink I actually feel good at all about this im situation? Do you think I feel good that i let him back into my life thinking it would be different because he acted like he was sorry and wanted to maybe be with me again? No I feel more than horrible.

 

This year has been the hardest of my life. I get that I play a role in it but in all of this I was trying to find a way to stop the pain. Was it healthy? No. Do I still hate myself? Yes. When he apologized and said he wanted to see me and wanted to hang out I felt better - I thought he actually cared about me. I really really did.

[Simon Phoenix]

The point we're trying to make is that you can't control him. You can only control you. And you are failing at that because you keep trying to chase him and you are trying to force him to see your perspective. He has no interest in your perspective and has never had an interest in that, yet you keep banging your head against the wall and continuing to make things worse. It's always been about him, him, him. You've been told this for months yet you continue to see what you want to see and hear what you want to hear. I get that he's manipulative, but you can't be manipulated if you don't engage him. You can't stop him from trying to manipulate you, but you can stop engaging it. But you refuse to do this and you wonder why you keep coming out on the losing end of it all.

 

Whether it's for sex (and you were clearly using sex, in some way, as a means to try to get him back, otherwise your reaction to this wouldn't be nearly as emotional and drawn out), closure, or to tell him off, this pursuit of yours has to stop. I don't care if he's poking at you, stop responding to it! You're a 30-plus year-old woman, not a teenage girl. Please stop acting like one. Like I said, all you can control is you, and you are failing at that. It's time to stop failing.

 

No one is saying that he's a nice guy -- far from it, he's clearly a douche -- but all you are doing by continuing to engage this and, in this case, initiate it, is making yourself look like the crazy ex-girlfriend to him. All of your speeches and talk come off as the rants of a jilted lover to him because it doesn't seem to stop. You keep saying this is the last time you're going to do it, and you go back on your word every time. He doesn't believe you or take it seriously. He's definitely a douche, but you're being the crazy ex right now. They aren't mutually exclusive from each other -- both can exist in this situation, and both do. He sucks, but you are feeding into the suck mindlessly.

 

It's been eight months. It's time to write this situation off as a loss, brush yourself off, regroup, and learn. It's time to leave the casino, not take more money out of the ATM and continue to play hands until you go bankrupt. Scapegoating him isn't going to do you any good in your recovery. He has issues, but I feel as if you are almost continuing to feed the flames of this because the more you stay after him, the more time you delay really looking at yourself and why you have acted this way. I think this is intentional on some level.

 

We want you to progress, but we aren't going to tell you that what you are doing is good when it clearly is not.

[elephantflower]

I guess I didn't have a plan. Honestly I went in thinking kind of like oh cool- it's so fun to hang out again and things seem really good between us. In my mind I think this equated to things being easier in my personal life. I've avoided almost every social function this year for fear of him being there. It felt like wow, maybe we can be on good ground.

 

Then he started with talk about our relationship and maybe getting back together. I said I wanted to keep hanging out and connecting again. So yes after that he was still acting like things were fine.

 

It was obviously hurtful that after he figured out I might be going to this party he changed. I would text and he would answer with one word. I friend requested and he blocked - total 180. I came on here to vent but let it go with him. I didn't text anymore, he didn't txt me as much. I didn't go ape ****. He told me about the girl. Fine. Got it. It was clear he had been using me.

 

It was the last straw with the text about the party and telling me "you know it will be awkward if you go." I'm sick of being treated like crap. Yeah maybe I should have ignored him but when do I get my say? So I said what I felt and I don't even think it was horrible.

 

I don't know why I kept coming back. Our relationship was abusice and my therapist said it's really common. I feel like it's my fault and I get anxiety and think I can fix it. It's like a drug. I'm not saying that means i shouldn't stop. I want to! So badly! All I wanted was acknowledgement of what happened - in his texts he even twisted things around and made it seem like things were "so causal". They weren't! If they are so incredibly casual why are you telling your family we've been hanging out, why are you texting about my dog. He didn't live up that part of it... He set the pace. I never even asked him to hang out!

 

I'm it's really angry right now. I'm sick of being treated this way. Sick of being used and tossed around.