Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[BC1980]

I don't think I can do xmas this year.

 

If Christmas involves what you just described with your parents, I don't blame you one bit. Your mom's reaction was terrible when you called her. There is no excuse for that. Family comes first. It's no wonder you have found yourself in bad relationships. You are trying to find attention and acceptance anywhere.

 

When people say, "it will get better," they don't usually mean it. That's kind of a brush off when they don't want to get into the details of your problems. They don't know what else to say. Take it with a grain of salt.

[elephantflower]

I always feel like I have to defend this but I know my parents love me. They have when they can supported my financially when I need it they can be kind loving and giving and many times are.

 

This issue with my mother is her behavior is inconsistent. So one week she will be ok incredibly loving and want me to visit and do nice. But hen there are times like this where I understand from her point of view in having a nervous breakdown (I was screaming and crying and yelling) and as you mentioned felt like I reached my breaking point this was like the tipping point of everything else.

 

I indeetsfand. Having a demanding job and be stresses and even having to say let me tell the doctors I need 15 minutes of alone time, I have a personal crisis. But she basically was non emtionwl, listened to me for 3 minutes and was like sorry but I can't deal with this right now - I think you just need to go to the hospital.

 

I just felt helpless like maybe u should so someone might listen to me. I just want someone to hug me. Things to go either way - I could see after this week she is in s better mood and tries to me there for me. But I could also see it continuing - I know she is upset bout euorpeS. We haven't flakes about it but how can we go when I have no job? She will say something like "it's ok. I'm used to it."

 

My mom drinks a lot. She is functioning but I've had a conversation with my do about it and he admits it's bad (she didn't start drinking ever until I wen to college). But she get belligerent on w daily basis, after work. It's the first thing so does. My dad admits she had s problem but "it's her life." He jokes about her falling over in the weekend when they are home.

 

 

This has gotten on a tangent. I don't know if this is right forum anymore but I don't nbje where to go. I'm scared when my gma find out abut my job what she will say - she looks at my as the granchklmd that does things. She is very critical, same from w rich family and has high strands. She told Me last xmas she was "just waiting for me to do something with me life."

 

I don't know if I can I it. I know they love me and they yoked to me on the phone yestrday but don't minke what to do. I feel alonez

[elephantflower]

I can spell and have correct grammar but im usually on my

Phone is sorry for the mess above.

[elephantflower]

I'm sorry if this is the wrong thread at this point.

 

I still haven't heard from my mom. I got fired on Tiesdsy and called her in hysterics (as I've explained it more just a culmination of everything combined that sent me over the edge). She said she was sorry and listened for about five minutes -- I then broke down on the floor and was just sobbing. When I went to try to speak on the phone she had hung up.

 

I called back and again and she said "I'm sorry but I'm really busy at work and I don't have time for this right now. Maybe you should go to the hospital." Then I called my dad who was understanding (he is retired). He does his best to get it but he and my mom have been together since they were teenagers and sometimes I think it's difficult for them to get get not having a daily support system. Anyway, he did the best he could.

 

I thought my mom would call but she didn't. Instead the next morning she sent a group text to me, my dad and brother saying (in what to me I read as a 'business' tone). "Hi Family, I'm really busy at work this week please don't call me. Thanks for your understanding."

 

I don't know if I am being irrational, I'm trying really hard to see from her point of view that she has things going on but you can't call me on your way home from work? Or like for 10 minutes before you go to bed?

 

She has done this my whole life. I know she loves me (in the way she can) but it's not consistent. It could be like this now and then next week she could be calling me everyday telling me how much she loves me I never know.

 

One year for Mother's Day I called and my dad answered and I asked to speak to my mom. I could hear him talking to her the background - he got back on the phone and said she couldn't come to the phone. I told him I wanted to come home the next day and we could have dinner for Mother's Day. He again talked to her and then said "that's ok, mom

Said you don't have to come."

 

Am I doing something wrong? Now I am legitimately worried about her reaction about Europe - we were supposed to go to Europe together next year (she has never been out of the country). She wasn't paying for me, I was paying for myself and she was paying for herself - she was sooooo excited. I feel bad I can't go now and I can see her being upset.

 

I'm scared to go for xmas because I can't handle any kind of criticism and judgement now. I know I'm being extra sensitive but I feel really alone.

[Blanco]

I'm so sorry. Reading stuff like this makes me realize how much I take my own mom for granted; she's easily been my biggest supporter throughout my life, regardless of what was going on. I'm so used to it that it's easy to forget how not everyone is fortunate enough to have that sort of support system.

 

I will say that I had a bit of an "ah-ha" moment regarding your relationships after reading your posts about your mom. I'm obvious no professional, but it seems pretty clear that your lifelong struggle to gain acceptance from your mom, only to be shut down again and again, has transferred over to your romantic relationships.

 

What I do know is this: Your mom is wrong here. She's being callous and it sounds like this is nothing new for her. No matter how down you're feeling, know that this is on HER and says nothing about who you are as a person.

[BC1980]

Your mom is in the wrong, yet you have twice mentioned being upset about letting her down for your Europe trip next year. It sounds like the same dynamic you had with your ex. You don't prioritize yourself at all.

[elephantflower]

Ok just full disclosure I'm drunk right now - I don't know how you prioritize your familyZ. When I've tried to set boundaries she goes crazy and said all she has don't was work to support me and I'm ungrateful and then doesn't speak to me and I'm alone.

 

I don't want to make excuses but I don't know how to deal with this without fear of her.

[BC1980]

Ok just full disclosure I'm drunk right now - I don't know how you prioritize your familyZ. When I've tried to set boundaries she goes crazy and said all she has don't was work to support me and I'm ungrateful and then doesn't speak to me and I'm alone.

 

I don't want to make excuses but I don't know how to deal with this without fear of her.

 

I would say that just because she has worked and supported you doesn't give her the right to minimize your feelings and treat you badly. It's not an exchange program where supporting a person means you can treat them like garbage. That's a common ploy used by people. They say, "I've done x, y, and z for you, so I get to treat you anyway I want to."

[gbe2015]

Ok just full disclosure I'm drunk right now

 

I've read your thread and I get you're going through alot. But drinking is the last thing you should be doing. As much as you don't like what is happening the best thing you can do for yourself is keep your head clear.

 

My Mom is just as dismissive as yours. I gave up years ago trying to understand why. IMO it's a control thing. I'll never change that behaviour, the only thing I can do is control the how much impact she has in my life. Do I wish she wasn't that way? Absolutely. But that's her life path. That's her Karma to live with, not mine.

[elephantflower]

You make a good point. I typically don't drink but last time I just got lost. I've stopped taking Xanax too which is something I was doing frequently at the beginning of the year.

 

I talked to my mom today (I called her). She told me she had a really bad week and work was stressful but she loved me.

 

This year has just been a **** show. My computer also died yesterday and apparently my cR needs new brakes. It's just almost comical at this point. We all go through hard things but I feel like I'm drowning. Like really, I need new brakes the week I lose my job? Great.

 

Somehow this has taken my mind slightly off my ex - probably because I have been trying to figure out where I'm going to move etc.

 

Part of the issue is that I had not planned to stay in my city or in my industry past 2016 but didn't anticipate not having income while I figured it out. I'm trying to be positive but would like just one year where I don't have a major life catastrophe - which hasn't been the case in the past 7.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok just full disclosure I'm drunk right now - I don't know how you prioritize your familyZ. When I've tried to set boundaries she goes crazy and said all she has don't was work to support me and I'm ungrateful and then doesn't speak to me and I'm alone.

 

I don't want to make excuses but I don't know how to deal with this without fear of her.

 

Sometimes you have to say "f--k it" and stand your ground. My younger sister has a tendency to be selfish, callous, and cutting and her and I used to go at it. She'd be rude and disrespectful, we'd have an argument, there'd be apologies, rinse and repeat.

 

Finally, she came out to visit 5-6 years ago and was just picking at me for no reason. Just being a complete ass. I basically stormed out of her hotel and went home. She apologized the next morning for the way she reacted to me and said she had a good time. I told her I did not have a good time and I did not accept her apology because this was her pattern and I was sick of it.

 

She tried to deflect it on me and I lost it. I told her that I was sick of her treating me and other people like crap and that I was not going to put up with it anymore. I told her that as her older brother, I deserve respect and that if she's not willing to act in an appropriate manner around me, that I'd just as soon not talk to her and not see her and that my stance was not negotiable. I told her that she needs to revamp how she treats me or we'll just not have a relationship. And left it at that.

 

I didn't tell my parents about this -- I let her do it. For a few months she went to them telling them how mean I was. They told her that I said what everyone else has wanted to say for years. I saw her at Thanksgiving several months earlier and she said that what I told her was a wake-up call. My relationship with her has been much better since, but it never would have been that way had I not stood up, told her what was what, and stuck by it.

 

I'm not advising you to do exactly what I did per se, but sometimes you just have to take a stand and not back down.

[Blanco]

One thing that some people understandably fail to realize is that being family isn't a never-expiring ticket to treat blood like trash.

 

Ideally you want to exhaust all options before cutting off family members, but in some cases, that's what needs to happen.

 

Unless you're living with them or financially dependent on them in some way, there's no reason to permit chronic emotional abuse or neglect.

 

There comes a point when you have to be "selfish" and place higher priority on your mental health than people who abuse it, family or not.

[elephantflower]

My depression and especially my anxiety are absolutely horrible right now. I've lost 9 lbs in the last week because I can barely eat. I try to sleep but can't -- I'm getting maybe 2 hits a night.

 

I've decided that when my lease ends in February I will move out of the large city I live in and back with my parent's. It is not my first option but getting out of the city is immensely helpful for me -- right now the sounds, memories, people, buildings feel like too much. My parent's live about 2 hours away in a smaller town. It is quiet.

 

My plan is to look at going back to school so I can finally change careers.

 

I feel overwhelmed. The feelings I feel right now are: helpless, failure, loser, angry, sad. I think I feel like a failure because when I got divorced 5 years ago I lived near my parent's (owned a house). I moved to the "city" with high hopes of a better life. I dove into trying to make new friends, dating, taking care of myself. It helped and worked but honestly I've never felt 100% comfortable. The friends I initially made were more "party" friends -- I never felt any kind of real connection with them. Then I moved another town over after I met my ex and met a few more people but have never really developed a close network for friends even though I've tried.

 

I've had severe bouts of depression during the past five years and this is the 4th time I've been laid off.

 

I'm trying to see that going back to school could be a good step but right now I can barely get out of bed. The thoughts about my ex are non-stop -- I can't do anything - can't watch tv, can't enjoy a walk, can't read a book, can't have a conversation properly because it's like a torture in my head. I can just hear him saying something about how I didn't try hard enough at my job or finding out. I think about how I feel like now in having to move back with my parent's because I can't get it together.

 

I've reached out the my close friends -- friends I've had for years. Most of them are married with children but are being supportive.

 

I've stopped trying to explain to people the pain from the breakup because I don't think people understand and neither do I. It's kind of a feeling like I can't control it or I feel like I don't have closure and I never was accepted by him -- I feel used and manipulated. I'm angry and then sad and wonder if any of it was real.

 

I remember when I moved to the city I was so proud of myself. I was scared but pushed myself to do it. Determined that all the pain would be worth it. I guess I feel like it wasn't. It feels like 5 years later I'm back where I was but I'm an even worse mental:emotional state.

 

There have been times I have thought about checking into a hospital just so I can sleep. This is going to sound pathetic but I just want someone to hug and hold me and let me cry and tell me I'm okay and they love me.

 

I'm at my parent's house this week which has been okay. My mom has been supportive and so has my dad and they have hugged me and told me they loved me but I fee needy like it's not enough.

 

I also talked to my mom about Europe and she is not mad. That mad me feel relieved. She was surprised that i thought she would be mad but as I've said she is not always consistent.

Edited December 15, 2015 by elephantflower

[xpaperxcutx]

Hey Elephant how long ago was your breakup?

 

I can't imagine being where you are but I do understand the pain of being not good enough. You don't need to meet others' expectations but you need to find out what makes you happy. What are your hobbies?

 

Honestly most adults nowadays do not have (best) friends so you have to accept that most people just cannot fully put themselves in your shoes.

 

You have to find a short-time goal for now, something that will lift you from your emotions for now.

An old friend of mine got cheated on for 7years and she spent 8 months after the breakup just losing weight. She lost over 80lbs.

 

It got her mind off of things.

[BC1980]

You tried living in the city for 5 years, and it didn't work out. No big deal. You tried something different, and now you're moving on to better things. Moving back in with your parents while you get your life sorted out is hardly the end of the world. It doesn't make you a failure. Sometimes you have to know when to ask for help and take the help that's available. Going back to school will give you something to focus on and a goal.

[elephantflower]

Figuring out that mornings are the roughest. Still only sleeping about three hours a night. Feeling so much pain. I almost feel like at this point it's "abnormal"? It seems like I should be farther along in my healing but the thoughts are still obsessive. I still blame myself and have nightmares almost every night either about his behavior or the breakup.

 

Sometimes I still think about writing all of the things he said and did down and just thinking about that makes me feel better. I have tried several times but can't stop crying when I do it. It's been almost a year since he first went crazy...

 

Not sure how to cope anymore. Have started to wonder if I have OCD.

 

Do the stories still matter? Does what he did even matter? This is hell. Sometimes I think about writing my story and posting it on Facebook -- I don't know why in my mind that seems like I would get satisfaction. Maybe a part of me hopes his friends would read it and understand what I've been through this year. Maybe a part of me feels like it will get rid of the shame... I feel like shame is what has kept me here... Like somehow I deserved it? Or it was my fault?

[BC1980]

Figuring out that mornings are the roughest. Still only sleeping about three hours a night. Feeling so much pain. I almost feel like at this point it's "abnormal"? It seems like I should be farther along in my healing but the thoughts are still obsessive. I still blame myself and have nightmares almost every night either about his behavior or the breakup.

 

Sometimes I still think about writing all of the things he said and did down and just thinking about that makes me feel better. I have tried several times but can't stop crying when I do it. It's been almost a year since he first went crazy...

 

Not sure how to cope anymore. Have started to wonder if I have OCD.

 

Do the stories still matter? Does what he did even matter? This is hell. Sometimes I think about writing my story and posting it on Facebook -- I don't know why in my mind that seems like I would get satisfaction. Maybe a part of me hopes his friends would read it and understand what I've been through this year. Maybe a part of me feels like it will get rid of the shame... I feel like shame is what has kept me here... Like somehow I deserved it? Or it was my fault?

 

Please do not write anything on FB. Doing so would make you look incredibly pitiful to anyone else. If one of my friends wrote something like that, I would be so embarrassed for them. FB is not the place. You will surely make people think you are crazy if you do that.

 

I think what you are going through is normal right now because you are really only about a month into the grieving process. You, like me, kept up contact way too long, so you never started grieving until recently. You were in a holding pattern for months, so it's as if you just broke up with your ex a month ago.

 

I think writing down the negative things he did is a good idea. In fact, I did that myself at one point. Whenever I would get sad, I would look at that list, and it served as an objective reminder of why we weren't together. Eventually, I threw it away after I stopped getting sad all the time.

[elephantflower]

I wouldn't actually post on Facebook - I don't actually post anything on fb photos of myself or any status updates -- I'm too private.

 

I post on another forum for people who have been in emotionally abusice relationships and it seems that this kind of panic is common. That's the only way I can describe it -- a constant anxiety. A playing back and having nightmares -- im not saying I'm a perfect person but I was not an abusive partner.

 

Most of the thoughts and anguish I have are over his back and forth behavior. It's still confusing for me to grasp even after therapy and almost a year. I don't understand how someone can treat someone like that.

 

I hope people don't see me as crazy. I've only shares details of my experience with some close friends and on forums. There have been times where I've felt crazy -- where I feel like I've been pushed to stand up for myself or call out behavior from my ex. But I feel like I've kept it together pretty well considering what happened.

 

I still care what people think -- I'm ashamed I guess that I'm still in this place. I try to keep these thoughts from my friends at a minimum. Really only my very best friend knows how bad things are right now on a daily basis.

Edited December 16, 2015 by elephantflower

[BC1980]

Most of the thoughts and anguish I have are over his back and forth behavior. It's still confusing for me to grasp even after therapy and almost a year. I don't understand how someone can treat someone like that.

 

Maybe you should be glad that you don't understand it. Maybe you aren't meant to understand it. I think that's a good thing.

[elephantflower]

I should and I hope I can get to a place I do.

 

My best friend thinks I need more therapy to work through this. She also has anxiety issues. The anxiety is the worst -- it's overwhelming and obsessive no matter what I try and that's a difficult thing to explain to other people because I think a large majority of people are like "stop worrying. Take a walk. Do a hobby." I've tried. I can't stop it. And I hate it. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to care and be able to move forward.

[dyna85]

I should and I hope I can get to a place I do.

 

My best friend thinks I need more therapy to work through this. She also has anxiety issues. The anxiety is the worst -- it's overwhelming and obsessive no matter what I try and that's a difficult thing to explain to other people because I think a large majority of people are like "stop worrying. Take a walk. Do a hobby." I've tried. I can't stop it. And I hate it. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to care and be able to move forward.

 

I think sometimes therapy is stifling because it can keep you stuck in a mode of constant rumination. Part of life is letting things be, as difficult and painful as that is. Moving through life forces us to face our demons, fears, and anguish in its most raw form.

 

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the best thing though.

 

I balk too when people try to help me when I'm down and tell me to take a walk, but in reality, when I take a walk, I feel so much better.

 

You don't have to stop worrying or stop caring or stop thinking. What will help you is if you accept your worries, your cares, and your thoughts instead of trying to rid yourself of your feelings.

 

I think that's the toughest part... accepting your feelings. You want to be this idealized version of a human being who moves from one thing to the next without a care, but the reality is, we do care, and we have residual feelings that will be triggered whenever we do our daily activities.

 

It's about accepting the thoughts and feelings.

 

I struggle with this constantly so I know how you feel with the obsessiveness and anxiety. However, it really helps to face the fear and not avoid the triggers, because little by little you accept yourself and your feelings and they don't derail you the way they do when you're obsessed and anxious because you just wish they would go away and stop nagging you.

 

Your thoughts and feelings are a part of you and are there for a reason. You don't have to fight with them. Just be with them.

[elephantflower]

This was a really interesting perspective and I appreciate you writing. I think you are correct about therapy -- sometimes you end up talking about things longer than needed or discussing it at length.... That's not always good.

 

One of my biggest issues is that I feel flawed or not good enough if things are perfect. So if I feel bad I feel "less than" or "unworthy" in some way. I have to realize that most people 1) care about me but are not obsessing about my life; 2) I'm human. It's okay to have feelings and not feel as though I constantly need to apologize for having feelings.

 

I think I get stuck here. Instead of viewing it more logically like "you are grieving; that is okay and takes time." I say to myself (and I think I do this almost as a way of protection so I mean to myself before other people are. I judge myself harshly so I'm not vulnerable to others) "there is something wrong win you. Why are you still sad? Why are you like this? This is why you are a failure."

 

I don't talk well to myself. And I need to keep in mind that people who DO talk down to me or think there is something "wrong" with me for grieving that is not my problem and the people who care about me will understand and do not expect perfection. I think it is just so ingrained in me that I am not good enough.

 

I feel like I'm always waiting, and holding back and apologizing for my emtions. I think I have probably always done this but my ex didn't help because any time I had any emotion (good or bad) he would criticize me "why are you hugging me? You are too affectionate." So then I try not to hug as much as its "why aren't you hugging me? You are so stressed all the time."

 

When I lost my job last week I had to take a cab back to my apartment. I didn't realize I would be sharing a ride with another person. When I got into the car I was sobbing and immediately saw there was someone else and said "I'm so sorry I didnt realize there would be someone else in the car. I just got laid off." And was just crying. I tried to hold it in as not to "bother" the other passenger. Every few minutes a little sound would come or from holding back. When he went to get out at his stop I said "in sorry again for crying." He said "why are you apologizing? It sounds like you've had a tough day." It was just a very simple comment and one that probably most people would say but I'm not used to it. Even things like that make me feel better and okay. That being emotional is okay -- I'm allowed to be an emotional person.

[BC1980]

The anxiety is a normal reaction to major life changes. I mean, you just got layed off and are only beginning to grieve a major breakup. Those things would cause anyone anxiety, so don't be so hard on yourself. I had issues with anxiety and insomnia for the first few months after my breakup. I would lie awake and just be so scared for what the future held. I think it's really important to remember that you are only just starting to grieve this breakup. Time wise, it happened in March, but you only truly accepted it was over last month. So be kind to yourself for the next few months.

[elephantflower]

This morning I was watching tv (I'm sure my ex would have thought I was being lazy because I haven't gone outside yet today). There was an infomercial on about a slow cooker -- it is weird how certain things will trigger memories I had forgotten.

 

When we were together my ex would say I never helped him with anything and he had to do everything. I made an effort to get up an hour early to do dishes, laundry and basic cleaning because I worked long hours. He typically cooked dinner which I appreciated and told him often. He started complaining I never helped him cook - I usually got home late from work but suggested maybe I could slow cook some meals. That way I could prepare them in the morning and they could be ready when I got home. I helped with cooking on the weekend but at the time I was working 10-12 hour days and usually didn't get home until after 7. My ex had a much more flexible schedule in which he was frequently able to take a nap during the day and got of work around 3pm. I never told him or forced him to make dinner, it was something he wanted to do.

 

He got angry and told me he didn't want a slow cooked meal because it changed the compounds of the food when it was heated for too long. I actually think this may be accurate but I just remember feeling so defeated. I was so stressed and exhausted and trying to find compromises. I helped cook on the weekends or if I had a day off.

 

It just makes me mad thinking back on it. Feeling so helpless like nothing I did was right even though I was trying. I don't know if that behavior above is abusive - he is allowed to have an opinion about food but I just remember feeling unsupported.

[BC1980]

This morning I was watching tv (I'm sure my ex would have thought I was being lazy because I haven't gone outside yet today). There was an infomercial on about a slow cooker -- it is weird how certain things will trigger memories I had forgotten.

 

When we were together my ex would say I never helped him with anything and he had to do everything. I made an effort to get up an hour early to do dishes, laundry and basic cleaning because I worked long hours. He typically cooked dinner which I appreciated and told him often. He started complaining I never helped him cook - I usually got home late from work but suggested maybe I could slow cook some meals. That way I could prepare them in the morning and they could be ready when I got home. I helped with cooking on the weekend but at the time I was working 10-12 hour days and usually didn't get home until after 7. My ex had a much more flexible schedule in which he was frequently able to take a nap during the day and got of work around 3pm. I never told him or forced him to make dinner, it was something he wanted to do.

 

He got angry and told me he didn't want a slow cooked meal because it changed the compounds of the food when it was heated for too long. I actually think this may be accurate but I just remember feeling so defeated. I was so stressed and exhausted and trying to find compromises. I helped cook on the weekends or if I had a day off.

 

It just makes me mad thinking back on it. Feeling so helpless like nothing I did was right even though I was trying. I don't know if that behavior above is abusive - he is allowed to have an opinion about food but I just remember feeling unsupported.

 

Hmmm, I think we dated the same guy. That thing about being lazy because you had been up for an hour without going outside sounds exactly like something my ex would have said. I was labeled as lazy because I slept until 8 on vacation. I'm not even kidding. Anyway, it's nice to be free from that prison of judgement isn't it? It's nice to be able to read a book or watch TV without being told it's silly. Mighty nice indeed.

 

But I understand being angry. For a long time, I was angry that I didn't stand up for myself during the relationship. The truth was that if I had stood up for myself, there would have been no relationship, and that's why I never said anything at the time. It's hard though. We don't get a redo. Your ex doesn't care anymore than mine does. Whatever his opinion is of me is unlikely to change.