Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[thespacey1]

Hi OP.(sorry for the long post). I empathize with you COMPLETELY because I'm going through just about the EXACT things you're going through right now. You are not alone. So many of us seem to be going through this crazy stuff. It's like it's some trend amongst men nowadays, i.e.this emotional abuse/trauma-bonding/craziness...it's been a little over a year for me and I'm still struggling emotionally. In therapy and trying to give.myself time to heal. I want to move away also, things are too familiar here and memories still exist. Glad you've removed yourself from the old surroundings.

 

I was engaged to a man who was just like your ex. Mood swings, apologies,then sweet, apologetic again, lots of friends...the cycle continued. However, here's what I noticed: ---> it appeared that his friends &family were almost afraid to speak up or out against him (openly). My ex has a violent bkground and a few of his relatives even told be that he gets REALLY upset,but by this time we'd already been together for several months. I soon saw more signs of jealousy and temper problems. Once he knew I was aware of his jealousy and temper, he started playing mind games,e.g. diverting my attention away from him or twisting things around toward me to take my attention off of his issues.

 

He was also passive aggressive, which sounds like YOUR EX, a bit. When they seem to be angry about one thing or about something we know nothing about, it's usually about something that they're just too embarrassed to admit.

 

Case in point. Early in our relationship we were having a conversation about dating and how things went in our past. I mentioned a guy I used to date and a description of him. My ex catches an attitude with me later and goes silent,not saying anything unless I dragged it out of him. So after I begged him to talk about what was bothering him, he soon admitted that he didn't want to tell me bcuz it may sound stupid. He was upset /a little jealous of me talking about the guy I used to date. This happened again when he got upset about some male attention I was getting from friends and on another occasion, a person who I work with... He actually used to look through my phone before I woke up in the mornings, he followed me once(as far as I know,perhaps more) to an even where I told him I'd be with a few coworkers, he'd "sommon" me home with text messages of his little nephew who lived nearby, because that would get me to come over...all that, and later in the relationship after i told him i thought we should separate, he lashed out calling me names like selfish, insecure, needy. All of the words that described HIM.

 

The only thing I will admit to is not calling him all the time,which he complained about(he complained about everything like a little ****h(for lack of better words)actually. We lived together for a while and he said I didn't call him enough....wtf???!!!! aaahhh, fool we live(d) together.

 

I honestly think that many men get to the point where they realize they cannot control a woman and they get insecure ,start trying to use emotional abuse and tactics. When that doesn't work,they lose their MINDS...seriously. It's like my ex was bipolar. I told him he needed help a few times,but that made him so upset I stopped.

 

You'll be on but expect this healing process to take a few more months to several years. The memories may never go away,but as many posters have said you will come out of this much stronger. We all will. I just wish all this pain was NOT a prerequisite for the our "strength training"...

[thespacey1]

Hi

 

I am going through something similar. I know how you feel. My break up was almost at the same time. But after BU he was acting hot and cold, wanted to get back together, then disappeared 2 months ago and treated me like s.. at the end. Found someone else I guess. This hot and cold treatment made me crazy.

 

Yep,I think it's totally deliberate. Giving them the upper hand (in their minds)...

 

I've been depressed and trying to just forget about my ex and all the memories. I hope we all feel better ASAP...

Edited March 22, 2016 by thespacey1

[Kelsy]

Hi thespacey1

 

 

What about social media (fb etc)? Do you have accounts there?

I turned off mine but I am struggling to activate it again. But I know it will hurt me like hell to see whats going on in his life (with this new girl, who seems better than me). Sounds crazy i know. I wish this is not happening to me and could turn back the time.

[keiji]

Hi thespacey1

 

 

What about social media (fb etc)? Do you have accounts there?

 

Stay away from social media, really. I blocked my ex and all her friends, even those living abroad. What good will it do to you? Do you know anyone that posts selfies of them depressed, sitting on the couch on a rainy Sunday afternoon? He'll only post pictures of him "being extremely happy", but I can assure that doesn't mean it's true.

 

Also, I had to correct this for you:

 

turned off mine but I am struggling to activate it again. But I know it will hurt me like hell to see whats going on in his life (with this new girl, who seems better than me NOW BECAUSE I'M FEELING SAD AND DEPRESSED, BUT THE TRUTH IS I'M INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE AND DESIRABLE FOR HUNDREDS OF GUYS OUT THERE. I JUST NEED TO GROW OUT OF THIS PHASE. THAT'S ALL)

 

Fixed.

[thespacey1]

Hi thespacey1

 

 

What about social media (fb etc)? Do you have accounts there?

I turned off mine but I am struggling to activate it again. But I know it will hurt me like hell to see whats going on in his life (with this new girl, who seems better than me). Sounds crazy i know. I wish this is not happening to me and could turn back the time.

 

If lots of your friends in social media are connected to him, I would keep social media off. I find social media a real Unnecessary evil...why do you need it?

 

The people who really need to contact us ,know how to contact us directly if necessary.

 

"Better than" you? Come on! Please know that she may just be a rebound chic. And no matter how much our exes act like they've moved on ,some..or most men(people) who jump right into relationships so fast are on the rebound or really don't sincerely even know what true love is... They may be serial monogamists, which you don't need unless you are one as well...

 

I'll be objective, the chic is not BETTER THAN you.... She's merely DIFFERENT... i.e. NOT YOU. Please don't let your self worth spiral into that thought cycle. I know how it can feel. My ex and I both started seeing other people. And although I was the dumper I still felt horrible for the decision I made to leave him bcuz I know he was hurt. So after he'd reached out to me a few times and asked to see me once or twice ,I turned him down once. The other time I saw him bcuz I NEEDED his help. This probably gave him some resentment. Oh well. But my point is that he made it a point to tell me that he was seeing someone else, the last time I told him I missed him. I knew I'd been seeing someone else too,but the mere fact that we know for a fact (or perhaps not factual) that they're seeing someone else hurts like hell.

 

You don't need more reminders on social media.... At least not until you're emotionally more ready. That may be months or even years from now. You gotta be patient with yourself and your own grieving cycle.. But DO be good to yourself and your self esteem!

[Kelsy]

Thak you guys! It means a lot to me. You guys are lovely and deserve the best.

I really do feel I cant think straight anymore and am like grumpy woman. Today I am so upset that he is with someone else and happy when I cant even think of being with someone else. At the same time I feel guilty for my mistakes. Like rollercoaster ride I cant stop.

[thespacey1]

Ive felt the same way over this entire year.

 

OP, did anything just recently happen to trigger more emotions about him or have you just been in a funk, off and on for several months now?

[dyna85]

EF, I just read your latest post and it's weird because I don't know why but you crossed my mind today or yesterday (can't remember when) and I was thinking of the whole text you received from this guy regarding the Halloween party and how he said he was seeing someone and she might be there, in case you intended to go. I thought 'what an a-hole.'

 

Then to see your latest post that you've been suffering in general and he had the audacity to send you a text out of the blue saying the same thing. Like.. what a wacko. I would suggest you not reply to him anymore. It's just going to keep dragging you further into the mud. For him to continue to message you like this and continue to pop up like a bad pimple, is really disgusting.

 

He's a freaking jerk and you will get through this. Don't let this loser trip you up and make you feel ruined. You will be ok. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you need to just take care of yourself and have faith.

[dyna85]

I just re-read your post OP and see you did mention you reblocked him and deleted all of your social media accts. Honestly, I think you're not insane but rather doing the best thing for yourself right now.

 

Just continue to live your life.

[elephantflower]

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile since I've written. Since my last post there has still been no contact been my ex and I and as far as I know he hasn't tried... He is blocked everywhere and does not have my email address.

 

The pain that I felt over a year ago is no longer there but has been replaced with a "hole" of sorts. Resentment. Frustration. Anger. I still don't feel like I'm at a place of apathy but I no longer wake up in the morning with this as the first thing on my mind so I'm thankful for that.

 

Struggling to overcome the emotional toll the abuse took has proved to be extremely difficult... The aftermath has been far worse for me than when it was actually happening. I've felt like it has been unfair as if he was just able to "move on" with his life completely unscathed and I'm dealing with his unkindness in my mind.

 

I've picked up some hobbies but still haven't really met any new friends but for some reason I'm not really that bothered by it. I have preferred being alone most of the time.

 

I did try to date again this past month (first time since the breakup). I saw him over about 4 weeks and then called things off because I was getting nervous he might be like my ex (emotionally inept/robotic). I didn't feel particularly sad about it. It almost feels like a relief to not date at all... Like I don't have to worry about anything but myself.

 

There is still a lingering feeling of restlessness. Post-breakup so many things are different and I haven't been able to quite get my barrings. I still feel directionless but quite honestly not really motivated to do much about it. One of the best things I've done is basically not do anything. I have a job that is not stressful. Where I live now is not stressful and I'm kind of just enjoying nothingness.

 

There is still a part of me that blames myself for things that happened. It will creep back sometimes. Or I will have horrible dreams with him being cruel and in my dream I can't escape and feel so helpless just like I did then. I wake up with that feeling - I know it's a dream but it brings me right back.

 

I don't miss him but I think I miss what I thought we had... And I wonder if something like that could happen again but next time it could be real instead of a fake person leading me on.

[bummer]

The greatest growth comes from struggle.

 

I hope you get through the numb feelings and find a direction out of the nothingness someday. For now thanks for sharing your struggle and its good to hear you feel you are making progress from some of the hurt.

[elephantflower]

I am starting to worry seriously about my mental health. Certainly I am doing better than the very early days of the break up in that I can function for the most part day to day... But my quality of life is not good and I can't seem to pick myself up.

 

The thoughts I have are not really missing my ex (although that happens sometimes too) but it's STILL ruminating about things that happened, how he treated me, why I tolerated it, what is wrong with me that it happened, etc. I haven't seemed to be able to access that place inside of me that used to pick me up... Another part of me that could tell me things would get better. I just feel generally unmotivated and sad.

 

This is just repetitive at this point but it helps me to write so I'm here instead of laying awake. I've attempted to try and gain more friends but I've had trouble considering where I live and my age... I'm not sure if that is an excuse but it doesn't feel that way. I joined few groups but really haven't connected with anyone... Which makes me just want to stay home and be alone.

 

I'm trying to get to a spot where I'm fine being completely alone all of the time and many times I'm fine with that but I do miss having someone to do something with. I have friends and do things occassinally but as a single person I wish I had more friends just so I had people to do things with like a movie or a hike. It's hard when I'm sad to get motivated when I always have to go alone.

 

I'm trying to access the part of me that likes being creative but many times it just feels better doing nothing. Just sitting in bed. Literally.

 

I have gained 35 lbs since the breakup. I actually don't really care. I WANT to care but I can't find the place inside myself anymore. I want to feel motivated or excited about something again but everything kind of feels pointless.

 

I know I'm depressed but I don't feel suicidal right now. It's kind of worse because there is almost no feeling... About anything. I'm not sure how to make this stop or go away. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and feel better but I don't know how at this point.

 

I know I need to "pick myself up by the boot straps" but I have no energy. It's better than it was but not really by much. I've traded crying all the time for complete numbness.

 

Things that have come up for me: I am definitely co-dependent which I think probably has something to do with this... I still in some ways blame myself or think about things I could have done differently. I still think about how he told me at the end "I never thought we clicked" after 2 years together. I just feel so used and awful constantly... Even after all this time.

Edited June 28, 2016 by elephantflower

[BelleSkye]

I am starting to worry seriously about my mental health. Certainly I am doing better than the very early days of the break up in that I can function for the most part day to day... But my quality of life is not good and I can't seem to pick myself up.

 

The thoughts I have are not really missing my ex (although that happens sometimes too) but it's STILL ruminating about things that happened, how he treated me, why I tolerated it, what is wrong with me that it happened, etc. I haven't seemed to be able to access that place inside of me that used to pick me up... Another part of me that could tell me things would get better. I just feel generally unmotivated and sad.

 

This is just repetitive at this point but it helps me to write so I'm here instead of laying awake. I've attempted to try and gain more friends but I've had trouble considering where I live and my age... I'm not sure if that is an excuse but it doesn't feel that way. I joined few groups but really haven't connected with anyone... Which makes me just want to stay home and be alone.

 

I'm trying to get to a spot where I'm fine being completely alone all of the time and many times I'm fine with that but I do miss having someone to do something with. I have friends and do things occassinally but as a single person I wish I had more friends just so I had people to do things with like a movie or a hike. It's hard when I'm sad to get motivated when I always have to go alone.

 

I'm trying to access the part of me that likes being creative but many times it just feels better doing nothing. Just sitting in bed. Literally.

 

I have gained 35 lbs since the breakup. I actually don't really care. I WANT to care but I can't find the place inside myself anymore. I want to feel motivated or excited about something again but everything kind of feels pointless.

 

I know I'm depressed but I don't feel suicidal right now. It's kind of worse because there is almost no feeling... About anything. I'm not sure how to make this stop or go away. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and feel better but I don't know how at this point.

 

I know I need to "pick myself up by the boot straps" but I have no energy. It's better than it was but not really by much. I've traded crying all the time for complete numbness.

 

Things that have come up for me: I am definitely co-dependent which I think probably has something to do with this... I still in some ways blame myself or think about things I could have done differently. I still think about how he told me at the end "I never thought we clicked" after 2 years together. I just feel so used and awful constantly... Even after all this time.

 

Read your very first post about this guy - he did not bring out the best in you and that is why you did not click.

 

Lose weight - become a 'hottie' again and try to make friends.

 

If it helps - I would have given you company to go to movies or hang out - if we were in the same country. Also struggling with the same sense of loneliness.

 

This sounds bad - but hang in there - soon....we will all die (hopefully in a peaceful and natural way). Then none of this heartache would matter. I keep telling myself thank the heavens that I don't need to be in love or have 'the one' to exit this world or lifetime...in a sense - we are all free. It's a pity that we have this 'lifetime'(30 or 40 years more on average?) to wait it out. But it will end....pray that our souls will not be in limbo. Just pray (even if you are an atheist) that one-day...someday...in this universe we become star dust again with no sense of loss or wanting / needing reciprocated love.

 

Its the most I can offer to you right now....

[bummer]

Your last post struck a nerve in me. I hate watching slow motion trainwrecks.

 

You did nothing wrong. All the little things he complained about are little. He was a huge jerk for blowing up about little things. He was controlling and abusive.

 

Meetup.com - groups for anything

 

Walk. Just walk out your door and walk as far as you feel comfortable. No objective no goal. Walk. Repeat as often as a bad thought clouds your mind. Build to running or work towards feeling motivated for a gym.

 

Meditation. Mindful self practice. Try a YouTube guide. Try just sitting alone and focus on your breath. Repeat whenever bad thoughts float into your head. Try walking meditation. Try reading the power of now as a primer if you haven't already.

 

You gotta crawl, walk, then run. Take any new thing slowly so you build it at a sustainable pace.

[elephantflower]

Thank you bummer for your reply. Even after all this time it still helps to be reminded that his behavior was not normal. I know I'm not perfect but I never put him down or treated him disrespectfully... It's confusing because I don't have closure. I don't know what areas to improve on for my next relationship. I know for sure I ant to work on my codependency issues.

 

I actually meditate twice a day and even have a meditation room in my home - it does help but not always. I do need to walk - I need to just do it.

 

This breakup was like nothing I've ever experienced. No one had ever made me feel as low as he did but at the same time still wanting to be with him... That's abuse.

[Kelsy]

Girl, I have been there. I am doing better but I am still visiting LS. Because I really would like to help people to get through the hard times. I know how painful it can be, I was so depressed at that time. And I know its very important to give you some hope because it may feel so hopeless for you (getting over the BU). Girl you can do that. You need to get back your self respect. Please try not to be alone. Sometimes its good to be by yourself but you need to push yourself a little more out of this comfort zone. Dont put all the blame on you please. Sometimes 2 people are not good together and they just bring out not the best behavior in each other. Maybe you are not that co-dependent as you think. I thought so as well but now dating another guy I am different. Took my lessons from past relationship. But I was way too hard on myself after BU. Or if you feel like you are then please try to work on yourself to better yourself. Try to find happiness somewhere else as well. Meeting your friends or new people. Try new activities. You need to find your favorite activities that make you smile. In your new relationship just try to keep your separate life as well. The more you can make yourself smile the faster you forget the pain. You will gain new experiences that change your thinking. Trust me. It may take time but it will happen. BU can destroy your self esteem and you probably think you are not that great person. But you need to forgive yourself. We all have acted wierd but its ok. Love yourself and after some time you will see all the old relationship problems in a new light. I did. Youtube is a very good distractor. If you feel very low, look for youtubers who give some advice how to get back your power (after BU) etc....I came to the realization that I have to be strong by myself. It doesnt mean that you should be crumpy lady now...It just gives you some freedom and you wont hold on to someone so tight anymore...You can enjoy the present more and let it flow. Almost nobody wants to be alone but you need to live and communicate with people so you can find that great new guy to your life. Fun activities with friends or family are so important as well. And if you meet the next great guy you will forget the pain. You kind of accept your past and dont feel those strong emotions anymore.

[bummer]

It's confusing because I don't have closure. I don't know what areas to improve on for my next relationship. I know for sure I ant to work on my codependency issues.

 

What specifically do you want to hear for closure?

 

For me, I just want her to admit she stopped loving me and wanted new experiences. She hasn't given me that and won't without me asking which would be false and not genuine. I want to hear that it wasn't all my fault.

 

But I know I never will. So I'm building my own closure. Someone else wrote about sitting on your bed and having a pretend closure meeting with your ex. Ask everything and have "them" answer. Maybe that helps.

 

I also am working on codependency. For me, it's recognizing where in the relationship the abuse started and knowing that sensation. In the future, when the hairs on my neck stand up, I'll remember to step back and ask, "is this healthy?"

 

This breakup was like nothing I've ever experienced. No one had ever made me feel as low as he did but at the same time still wanting to be with him... That's abuse.

 

Bingo. I feel the same. My situation wasn't nearly as traumatic but the same thoughts cross my mind. Why love someone so awful? The challenge? the desire to fix? I am pulling many small lessons each day I'm coping. I hope you do too.

[elephantflower]

Recently I took a leap and went back online after 1.5 years of being single. I was really cautious and even showed my close friends people that asked me out so I could try not to make the same mistake again.

 

I went out with this guy "Greg" for about 2 months. My friends met him and liked him... They thought he was really shy but they thought he was treating me well. I certainly wasn't "head over heels" but I was trying to give it a shot. I ended up breaking it off because he seemed like of distant emotionally -- when I asked him about it he said that was "just the way he was." I expressed that I didn't think it would work for me. It ended fine, no drama.

 

After a month or so we started texting again. I had no interest in dating again but I thought he was a nice person and he expressed wanting to hang out. We tried a few times but our schedules didn't meet up.

 

The last time we texted. We were just casually talking about the ups and downs of relationships and how dating in your mid 30s is difficult... It was really just a normal convo you would have with a friend. We weren't discussing anything about the two of us.

 

He then, out of no where, sent me a text saying he didn't want to "project on me" but he wasn't attracted to people who were overweight and wants to date someone who is active but e thought I was a nice person and was just trying to be "honest"

 

I was floored. I am currently overweight (about a size 12; very curvy; think: Christina Hendricks). I certainly think it's ok to have physical preferences... But then if you are so offput by my appearance then why did you date me for 2 months... Why not after a date or two say we didn't have A spark? And why would you randomly say that to me?

 

I felt horrible about myself. It felt like I finally, finally was putting myself back out there against my better judgement. I met someone who seemed like a nice person -- it didn't work out but I didn't think he was a jerk.

 

But apparently he was a jerk. It just feels like no matter what I do, no matter who I meet, no matter how I act, no matter what I look like, no matter what I do I end up with people who treat me like ****.

 

I have lost basically all hope of anything romantic ever going well. I'm in my mid 30s and have never felt truly loved. It's a horrible feeling - it feels like t happens to everyone else and I don't know what's wrong with me.

[BraveWoman40]

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile since I've written. Since my last post there has still been no contact been my ex and I and as far as I know he hasn't tried... He is blocked everywhere and does not have my email address.

 

The pain that I felt over a year ago is no longer there but has been replaced with a "hole" of sorts. Resentment. Frustration. Anger. I still don't feel like I'm at a place of apathy but I no longer wake up in the morning with this as the first thing on my mind so I'm thankful for that.

 

Struggling to overcome the emotional toll the abuse took has proved to be extremely difficult... The aftermath has been far worse for me than when it was actually happening. I've felt like it has been unfair as if he was just able to "move on" with his life completely unscathed and I'm dealing with his unkindness in my mind.

 

I've picked up some hobbies but still haven't really met any new friends but for some reason I'm not really that bothered by it. I have preferred being alone most of the time.

 

I did try to date again this past month (first time since the breakup). I saw him over about 4 weeks and then called things off because I was getting nervous he might be like my ex (emotionally inept/robotic). I didn't feel particularly sad about it. It almost feels like a relief to not date at all... Like I don't have to worry about anything but myself.

 

There is still a lingering feeling of restlessness. Post-breakup so many things are different and I haven't been able to quite get my barrings. I still feel directionless but quite honestly not really motivated to do much about it. One of the best things I've done is basically not do anything. I have a job that is not stressful. Where I live now is not stressful and I'm kind of just enjoying nothingness.

 

There is still a part of me that blames myself for things that happened. It will creep back sometimes. Or I will have horrible dreams with him being cruel and in my dream I can't escape and feel so helpless just like I did then. I wake up with that feeling - I know it's a dream but it brings me right back.

 

I don't miss him but I think I miss what I thought we had... And I wonder if something like that could happen again but next time it could be real instead of a fake person leading me on.

 

 

Hello,

 

First off let me say how sorry I am to hear what you went through and that you are still struggling. I read where you said you were in therapy, did your therapist ever say that your ex is a commitment phob? That is exactly what he is, the beginning of your relationship was amazing, the sex was incredible, he truly fell in love with you & you were head over heels. Then when it all changed he drove you crazy making you think there is something wrong with you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. His guilt about wanting to end the relationship was so intense he forced you to end it.

 

There is an excellent book you need to read called He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter & Julia Sokol. It discusses exactly the type of behavior your ex presented. You will be amazed the difference you will feel once you read it. I know of what I speak because I am reading it, 7 weeks ago my ex left me, completly out of the blue, no warning, told me he had been miserable the last two months that he needed to make major changes, etc. We were together 13months, I thought he was the love of my life, I wanted to marry him, Im 39, he's 54. He was married for 26yrs, but his alcoholism ended that, he has been sober just 4yrs, but our breakup had nothing to do with his recovery, in fact a red flag I didn't pay attention to & made excuses for is the fact that he has never filed for divorce from his wife & he has not lived with her in 6 years!

 

He uses this as an excuse to not get married again to not make a true commitment. When the relationship comes out of the fantasy stage for these people and reality sets in its when they run, then they act in unbelievable was, my ex didn't want to live with anyone, hadn't for nearly two years and told me that two weeks before he left me, well one week after he left he is now with another woman, also a recovering alcoholic, and he swore he would never be with another woman in recovery; I do not have a drug or alcohol problem, I found out he was talking to her behind my back so he cheated on me, emotionally at least. I discovered all this on Facebook which is why I have blocked him, her and anyone I knew through him to self protect & not see this nonsense.

 

The topper, she has moved in with him, one month after he started seeing her, six weeks after he left me & they are now looking for a bigger place together. Yet, he didn't want to live with anyone, Im buying a house next year but they will be renting, again not as permanent if he had lives with me.

 

People with serious commitment issues will do this, they will immediately start another intense relationship, its how they deal with the conflict, how they bury their own pain.

 

I understand your hurt and devastation all too well, as I said I thought I met the love of my life, the man I was going to marry, but as my therapist says he cannot go the distance and his current relationship will end as well, this is his fourth one in four years. Its sad & painful for us because we are left to pick up the pieces of our lives, you question your self worth, you have doubts, which is why you must continue to take care of yourself, its what Im doing & yes there are good men out there and men who will not care about your size, Im a size 20, but I've lost 20lbs since my breakup and am now working with a personal trainer to get myself healthy, for me.

 

Please get that book I mentioned it will do you a world of good, continue self care and continue NC, I have, it helps and remember your not alone!

[elephantflower]

I have a "junk" email account that I use for random things and my regular email account I use for friends and family. Over the weekend, my junk email was hacked and a bunch of emails were sent out to people in my contact list, one of them was my ex.

 

The emails were also sent to my regular email so I saw them and knew i had been hacked and changed my password.

 

After this hacking, my ex emailed me (on the junk account). He said he thinks I was hacked and then asked how I was and then said he has been wanting to text me but wasn't sure if he would or not.

 

Several things came to mind when I saw the email... I am definitely much less emotionally affected than I would have been 6 months ago by the contact. I didn't cry or get upset. I read it and then went about my day.

 

It's been on my mind. He still seems (1.5 years after breakup) to pop up randomly even though he dumped me. I guess that's confusing on some level.

 

The last I spoke to him he had texted me (see previous posts) to tell me he was going to be attending a party he thought I might be at and that he had a girlfriend and just "wanted to let me know." After that he hasn't contacted me at all (that was in Feb).

 

My guess is that maybe he and his girlfriend broke up and so now he is reaching out?

 

I don't really know how I feel. It's not apathetic.

[Crusnik]

Dear elephantflower i'm so sorry for all the pain you have been dealing with, guess everyone here know how it is.

I myself am going through a break up, also being the dumpee... exactly 2 months ago.

 

Yeah it hurts, she was my everything, i wanted to get married, kids, and so on and so on. I know it wont happen, i wont be with her ever again. She is gone out of my life forever! Not because i don't love her or i am unwilling to fix things, but because she doesn't want it.

 

I'm moving on, i'm forcing myself to! I told her if she ever felt she still loved me and wanted to fix things the only thing she has to do it to show up right in front of me. I will leave the door open, but in the meanwhile i'm moving on, and if and when one of us gets into a new relationship its over forever, it will be too late for her to have a change of heart.

 

My piece of advice is forget about that guy. You wasted 1.5years of your life being miserable because of someone that does not deserve you.

 

Go out with your friends, FORCE it even if u have to, and i promise you this, one day when u least expect it you will meet someone that will make you understand why it never worked out before.

 

Good Luck & wish you all the best!

[elephantflower]

I am in a lot of pain today and could use some support.

 

I have started to feel again like there is something very wrong with me... like I caused this. I feel like if I could maybe get past those feelings I could feel better.

 

As I mentioned in my originial post on this thread -- my ex emailed me after receiving some spam. I mentioned I emailed him back (I know, I'm stupid) and his responses came across as very cold and disengaged. This made me really angry.

 

Is it my imagination (seriously, someone please tell me if I'm being overly sensitive) or if you email someone normally its because you want to know hoow they are or you engaged in a convo?

 

I ended up writing him back again (I know, again stupid). He had asked me no questions in his email -- it was basically just saying things like "thats good about xyz" for some reason this got to me and when I wrote back I said a few more things about how I was doing and asked about him and then said "I am getting the impression you don't want to have a conversation so good luck,"

 

He wrote back and said "I do want to have a conversation but I can't email back and forth everyday with you. I have things going on in my life and emails like this get lost in the pile." He then asked me a few things about myself.

 

This angered me SO much. Although his email hinted at he didn't have enough time he then asked me questions which he hadn't done at all previously so I think he was aware that he had been cold in his emails.

 

AM I INSANE? Would this make other people angry? Why do I feel ****ty after getting that response? Was it rude or is that just me being overly sensitive?

 

I don't understand why you would contact me -HE CONTACTED ME. And then when I write an email back and ask questions and you have cold answers I call him out on it and he gets bitchy.

 

That was about 3 weeks ago and I have not written him back. A LARGE part of me wants to write a really mean email to him telling him what a ****ty person he is. I really think the only reason he contacted me to begin with was to see if I would respond and then its like once I did I think he was thinking "ok, well I guess she doesnt hate me. Thats all I want from you."

 

This person destroyed my life. Every time he contacts me I think it will be different -- or like he really cares about me and every time something like this happens and I can't figure out if I'm just stupid or if he really is a piece of ****.

 

In addition, I am dealing with a crazy mother -- I havent written about her at all on this forum but I need to. I believe she has some sort of disorder but I dont know what -- the short of it is I have limited contact beecause she makes me feel like crap.

 

Recently, I found out I would be moving overseas. I called my family to tell them -- everything was fine, no drama. In the midst of this, I am trying to find care for my dog who unfortunately I cannot bring with me during the time I'm gone. I sent a text out to about 20 people asking to get the word out, etc.

 

Everyone answered except for my mother. So I called her a few days after just asking if she recieved the text.

 

"Yes, I got it." (then silence).

Me: "Ok, great I wasn't sure, I hadn't heard from you. Could you please keep (my dog) in mind with family or friends?"

Her: "I don't know anyone who could help,"

Me: "Ok..."

Her: silence

Me: "Do you think it's something you might be able to consider since you have a yard?"

Her: (laughing) haha. No. Why dont you ask (name of my ex), I'm sure he'd do it."

Me: (muted phone, sobbing)

Her: silence

Me: (trying to compose myself to unmute phone so she can't hear me cry). Ok, well thanks again for keeping her in mind. Let me know if you think of anyone.

 

Words cannot describe what this did to me. MY mother knows what I went through with my ex - I was almost hospitalized last year for having what I can only describe as a mental breakdown from everything that had happened. I was SHOCKED she would even bring him up (havent said a word about him to her in almost a year) let alone mention someone that was abusive to your child.

 

She does **** like this all the time. I feel like she does it on purpose. The next day I had an email saying "she was excted for my move and wanted to pay to get my hair colored and cut." I said no because I dont trust she wont somehow use that against me later but telling me she did xyz for me and I'm ungrateful.

 

All of this combined with some odd things happening with my current job have gotten me super stressed and I'm not handling it well. I feel very alone and feel like I can't trust anyone. I'm not trying to be dramatic that's just how I currently feel and I dont know what to do.

 

Is there something wrong with me that I can't see?

[elephantflower]

I can't believe it's been more than 2 since I first started this thread. Since I last wrote in September I've done better than I had been doing. My ex continued to contact me sporadically. I moved out of the country which was actually probably one of the best things I could have done for myself -- it has given me more distance from the situation. Of course I was only here a few weeks before my ex decided to stalk me on Instagram and contact me.

 

His ex also contacted me.

 

I continue to deal with self esteem issues and doubting myself and my ability to be loved by others. I had not dated in over a year and recently in my new country I met someone. It is still very new but I like him which is a good feeling. But I find myself traveling back to those old dark places in my mind filled with doubt and insecurity. I am 35 now and would like to meet someone and settle down more than I have in the past. This new person is from a different culture and there is a languafe barrier.

 

I find myself being self conscious about things I thought I would be over now. Should I text him? Why isn't he texting me? Is he just using me for sex? What if this doesn't work out? Maybe we should break up? Are we even dating we haven't talked about i?

 

I am my absolute own worst enemy. Instead of being able to enjoy any aspect of dating I am now constantly filled with crippling anxiety. I'm trying to push through but I'm scared - I feel like I don't know how to rwad anything xoeextlt in the ways that I thought I did. I constantly (internally) question thing this new person says or does. I can't sleep at I fb the becuse I'm so fearful I'm opening up and will be embarrassed if he is just using me.

 

How do deal with this? How do I move forward in a healthy way? This person also loves 4 hours from me. This is still very new but I find myself so into this but I don't know why and that feels like it's unhealthy and strange.

 

Our first 2 dates he was so complimentary and kind and doting. He doesn't seem distant now but it feels like he has backed off a bit? We slept together on our last date - I didn't feel any hesitancy about it at the time . Our dates were lasting 8+ hours.

Edited May 7, 2017 by elephantflower