Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[Fufu]

Hi again,

BC1980 – thank you for reminding me that his behavior is not normal. I know it may seem odd to everyone on the outside but I still blame myself sometimes even though I know I was a good girlfriend – again, I’m not perfect but I certainly did not treat him badly. I think I am struggling with the fact that he has so little empathy – I understand (again, logically) that I will not be able to change this and will probably not every get a super, duper great apology.

 

I was completely NC for about 6 weeks. We talked for about 3 weeks after the breakup and saw each other twice. Then I was angry that I never really got an apology and cut off contact. I deleted him from facebook, etc. I ignored his texts. Then last week, I was feeling better and started to think I was at least ready to accept his friend request and that’s when we had the initial convo that was fine, just catching up. Then the next day he started probing about what parties I was going to, and why I would volunteer for a party then not go (because he was going to be there!)… all of that made me angry again and made way for the convo below…

 

He did “apologize” last week more sincerely than he has in the past however, there was probably still a lack of understanding on his part. During the text conversation, when he said he wanted to see me, I explained I was still angry, had nightmares over the things he had said – I said I was having a really difficult time dealing with the way he treated me and it was still extremely hard because I didn’t want to believe he was that kind of person. He went into saying “I guess I just wanted a way out.” My reply was “You realize that is not an apology, right?” And he said “I wasn’t trying to apologize.” Then he said “I regret the things I said and I’m sorry I hurt. I didn’t have the balls to just break it off.” I said “It’s still really difficult but I’m trying to work through it.” He said “I’m done talking about this. We need to move on. It’s been two months.” At first I kind of coward – that response made me feel really bad, like I was bothering him even though he had said he wanted to see me and had started to apologize. I said “Sorry for bothering you. I shouldn’t have talked to you or texted you. Have a good weekend.” He responded “You too.” Then about 10 minutes later I was still angry and texted back “You shouldn’t judge other people’s grieving. I’m glad you got over the relationship so quickly but not everyone is the same. I wish I could just forget this entire thing.” He responded and said “It’s okay that you texted. I’m not upset. I cherished our relationship and I hope we can be friends. Let me know when you are ready.”

 

I didn’t respond to the last text but then the next day I felt bad (this is part of my issue). I felt like I hadn’t acknowledged his apology and felt bad. So I wrote him an email saying that I appreciated his apology and acknowledging he had hurt me and that the relationship had meant something to him…. That was really hurtful when he told me when we were breaking up that he was “just going through the motions and he had doubts all along.” I said in the email that I wasn’t ready to see him and was struggling with the fact that those thoughts and words were in his mind whether he “meant” them or not.

 

He didn’t respond to my email. Then a few days later I was like “this is silly – I am harboring so much anger. Maybe if I let him back in my life we can normalize” So that is when I texted him and said “I thought about it more and I would like to see you too. I don’t want to rehash our relationship. Maybe we can meet for tea today?” That’s when he wrote back and told me that “I think we should wait awhile… you still seem a bit angry. I have plans all this week and then am going on vacation.” It just made me feel ****ty again – I realize in hindsight its my fault for letting him back in but it’s hard to explain… it’s almost like a control thing. He makes me believe that he wants to see me and is nice and then as soon as I come around it’s like he changes his mind… is this my imagination?

 

I feel like he did this kind of thing in our relationship too. He would be loving and nice and then as soon as I would get excited and reciprocate he would get scared and say that things were moving too fast (this was in the beginning) so then I would back off and let him take the pace. Then he would complain that I wasn’t planning enough or initiating enough so I would start again and it would be like “I feel like you are planning to many things.” I just couldn’t ever get it right.

 

 

You need to let him go. Honestly, he doesn't sound like he's even serious in reconciliation.

 

If someone wants reconciliation, they will do more than just texting. It seems to me that you are reaching out to him more than he does for you.

 

In my opinion, he just wanted to be friends with you, that's all.

(I’m not upset. I cherished our relationship and I hope we can be friends. Let me know when you are ready.”)

 

Never get stuck in between in a relationship, it's either all in committed or all out.

[Dybbuk]

@elephantflower:

 

All your ex is doing is easing his guilt. He treated you awfully, he broke up with you and at some point he probably felt bad for doing that. Him tossing out these texts to you is him saying "Hey you don't hate my guts do you?" You responding to him told him... "No I don't hate your guts." and he feels now: "Oh well that's a relief, I was starting to feel like a really terrible person. PHEW!"

 

YOU NEED TO GO NC. NOW. Nothing good will come out of this re-connection. You telling yourself that you can't just cut people off is you still harboring the mentality of the emotionally abused. You are telling yourself you aren't strong enough to walk away, you won't be get over it without having some connection with him... you are telling yourself you're too weak to do this without him. You're not.

 

As long as your abuser is still present you will never have control of your healing. You're still not in control now! You said when I AM READY to meet you for tea I will let you know, you finally did and your abuser will not accept that YOU call the shots on how anything goes down between you. He will always have the final word.

 

It hurts. It's hard. It's scary, but you need to get away from him. Lean on friends and family. Continue your therapy. Rebuild you, because he has certainly torn down many parts of you but I know you are still strong. You went NC much longer than most people here, and that says something about your strength. You can do it and you SHOULD do it for you. You deserve so much better than this ********* who made you this way and when he did reconnect with you it was for a lousy friendship FB request and an appoint to see your dog... not even you. F**k him and move on girl. I am sending all my good vibes toward you. <3

[elephantflower]

I don’t think he wants to get back together – I’m more just talking out that I’m still having a difficult time with the breakup.

[elephantflower]

I guess now I just feel really pathetic and stupid. I was complete no contact for 6 weeks. I accepted his refriend request after that time and that’s when we had those text convos. I haven’t really reached out to him… but I guess I have a few times. I feel so stupid right now.

[Fufu]

You will feel better when time goes by...

 

Believe in yourself.

[elephantflower]

Hi Dybbuk,

Your post really meant a lot to me. Thank you. That is why I continue to come here – even though I know I’m repetitive a lot of days sometimes I feel like I don’t have the strength and I need to borrow It from other people. The abuse is hard for other people to understand – I let it happen, I guess I am still letting it happen. It’s almost like I’m not even conscious of it occurring until after whatever incident happens… like with the actual thing happens I can’t see it until I get away from it… then I’m like oh my god, he did it again. He is not like a normal person with empathy and a conscious and I need to remember that… I feel bad because I feel like I’m human. I don’t really have anything to feel bad about – I didn’t do anything wrong to him.

 

It would be MUCH easier for me to maintain NC indefinitely if we did not share any mutual friends or activities. I’ve already had to stop going to certain parties and events I like so I don’t see him… it feels really unfair.

[Dybbuk]

@elephantflower:

 

Post as many times as you need to! Even if it is repetitive. Even if you say "This is just to vent feelings..." Typing it out and getting it out there helps you dissect what you are going through.

 

While yes you are letting it happen, you have to understand HE also contributed to this and conditioned you to be this way through abuse. Like you said he would always find a way to "turn it around on YOU". He knows how to make you feel like what's happening to you is more your fault than it is his. You don't need to continually blame yourself and beat yourself up about this. Your self esteem and self worth needs a major boost! That's not going to happen overnight, but if you keep doing this to yourself it will never improve. Baby steps, but you need to work toward understanding that you are worth so much more than this BS.

 

Right now you are repeatedly touching a hot stove, at some point you need to recognize this pattern and remember that nothing he does is coming out of a place of empathy and sincerity towards you. Everything he does is solely for his gain. Whether it's to ease his conscious or for him to remind himself that he still has a hold on you in case he decides he wants anything more from you. You need to put a stop to that by going NC.

 

I'm sorry that you have overlap of friends, and I agree it is unfair. Unfortunately after breakups there is always uncertainty among mutual friends on how to best approach the situation, BUT it doesn't mean you should isolate yourself from your friends. Why don't you organize a hangout and invite your friends over and just let them know you are going NC with your EX but would still love to spend time with them to catch up? If they are mutual friends try your best not to drag out all the personal info and instead enjoy your day with company. However if you have close friends and family let them know you need time to take your mind off things and maybe schedule a day out every week with a friend or family member.

 

Healing takes lots of time and it's precarious process. One day you are feeling fine, and then the next day the slightest trigger makes you feel like you went back right where you started. That is normal. Recognize your progress. You went a good amount of time NC. This text/FB post makes you feel you're starting from square one, but you're not because you are here and slowly making progress toward understanding how this is not good for you. Restart your NC, and remember you are strong enough to do this without him. He's only going to keep setting you back. Prevent that, block him and take the step toward a better life.

[10yearsgoneaway]

I have almost the exact situation. We are both a few years older though, and have known each other for 10 years (8 yrs together, 6 living together)

 

Towards the end he got very distant, and after the "talk" he became very mean.

 

His father didn't even understand his actions and had no idea what was going on in his head and thought it to be a mid life crisis.

 

But I understand completely how you feel. One day you are a couple, and the next he acts like he can't stand you. It's more than the brain can handle.

 

It's been almost 2 months now since the break up and 3 weeks since I moved out. During the talk I was fed the lines of "you're an amazing person, and I really still want you in my life" and "we can even be roommates"

 

So I stayed, thinking I could somehow fix the situation but it just became toxic and hostile. There were a few times when he was nice and remorseful - but I quickly dismissed those moments.

The fighting became like The War of The Roses movie and he also told me I can get my stuff from the dumpster and to get out.

 

I know the pain and confusion you have wondering how someone can be so mean and seem like they don't care. Mine actually did tell me that, we were fighting at the time but he did say he hasn't cared about me in years.

 

So, I spent many, many days crying sitting on the floor, unable to look at my phone, the internet, or look at other people. I lost 11 pounds in 3 weeks...

 

All traces of any self esteem were destroyed.

 

I can tell you now, it does get better. I barley wanted to live, and today, while I still cry and miss him, the sting is not as intense. And a few days ago, I got up the strength to block him on all social media. He can't see me and more importantly, I can't see him.

 

Don't try to rush the healing, cry it out, and know it WILL get better. Trust me.

[ZiggyZoo]

I have a lot to write, but only a second right now. I just wanted to say to stop looking at his FB and OKC pages. That's breaking NC, and is surprisingly really bad for recovery. I couldn't believe how much better I felt once I stopped creeping around MY ex's FB page.

 

And he absolutely WAS emotionally abusive, at least. I'll say more later, but I was in a relationship like this for years.

[elephantflower]

Thanks Ziggy - I would like to hear more about your past relationship if you have a chance. It has helped me hearing stories from people who went through the same thing. It's been 3 months (he broke up with me) and I still really struggle with what went on.

[elephantflower]

Thank you - it helps to hear other people's stories. I just feel so depressed right now. I think about suicide all of the time. I just don't understand how someone could treat someone else the way he treated me at the end - it was inhumane and made me feel so small and still does. I wish I had enough strength to be apathetic but I was so in love.

 

There were small signs about his behavior but it became horrible the last two months.

[BC1980]

He did “apologize” last week more sincerely than he has in the past however, there was probably still a lack of understanding on his part. During the text conversation, when he said he wanted to see me, I explained I was still angry, had nightmares over the things he had said – I said I was having a really difficult time dealing with the way he treated me and it was still extremely hard because I didn’t want to believe he was that kind of person. He went into saying “I guess I just wanted a way out.” My reply was “You realize that is not an apology, right?” And he said “I wasn’t trying to apologize.” Then he said “I regret the things I said and I’m sorry I hurt. I didn’t have the balls to just break it off.” I said “It’s still really difficult but I’m trying to work through it.” He said “I’m done talking about this. We need to move on. It’s been two months.” At first I kind of coward – that response made me feel really bad, like I was bothering him even though he had said he wanted to see me and had started to apologize. I said “Sorry for bothering you. I shouldn’t have talked to you or texted you. Have a good weekend.” He responded “You too.” Then about 10 minutes later I was still angry and texted back “You shouldn’t judge other people’s grieving. I’m glad you got over the relationship so quickly but not everyone is the same. I wish I could just forget this entire thing.” He responded and said “It’s okay that you texted. I’m not upset. I cherished our relationship and I hope we can be friends. Let me know when you are ready.”

 

See, that convo is a good example of why you really can't be friends with an ex, especially one that treated you badly. He cannot comprehend why you feel the way you do, so he can't offer you empathy and understanding. You need to talk to people who can offer you empathy and understanding. The person who wronged you has a completely different agenda, and that agenda is to minimize and brush aside how badly you feel. They want to forget about what they did wrong, and, to do so, they need you to agree that all is good by being friends. There is really nothing to be gained by you entering into such an agreement, but he has everything to gain.

 

Hun, people will steamroll right over you every day of the week if you can't keep up boundaries and know when you exit a relationship. You have to get in touch with your feelings and learn how to support yourself. If you feel badly after talking to him, and it's only causing you pain, you have got to be willing to let him go. He adds nothing to you life. You must stick up for yourself because very few others will. I can promise you that.

[BC1980]

Then a few days later I was like “this is silly – I am harboring so much anger. Maybe if I let him back in my life we can normalize” So that is when I texted him and said “I thought about it more and I would like to see you too. I don’t want to rehash our relationship. Maybe we can meet for tea today?” That’s when he wrote back and told me that “I think we should wait awhile… you still seem a bit angry. I have plans all this week and then am going on vacation.” It just made me feel ****ty again – I realize in hindsight its my fault for letting him back in but it’s hard to explain… it’s almost like a control thing. He makes me believe that he wants to see me and is nice and then as soon as I come around it’s like he changes his mind… is this my imagination?

 

No, it's not your imagination. He's changing the terms as you go. It's a moving target. Look, you obviously want his approval for some reason. I can see my old myself in you right now. I wanted nothing more than my ex's approval, but he would never give it to me completely. You know what he said to me when he dumped me. "You're almost what I want to marry. You're so close but not quite there." That's what he said word for word. I felt like that summed up our relationship, and it's a terribly sick and sad way to have a relationship with someone else.

 

As for the anger, it's completely normal and necessary. You need to feel that anger to get through all of this. I'd recommend reading "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue, which explains everything related to NC. It walks you through the grief step by step. It explains the myriad of reasons that you want to contact your ex and why those reasons don't make logical sense.

[BC1980]

The abuse is hard for other people to understand – I let it happen, I guess I am still letting it happen. It’s almost like I’m not even conscious of it occurring until after whatever incident happens… like with the actual thing happens I can’t see it until I get away from it… then I’m like oh my god, he did it again. He is not like a normal person with empathy and a conscious and I need to remember that… I feel bad because I feel like I’m human. I don’t really have anything to feel bad about – I didn’t do anything wrong to him.

 

It would be MUCH easier for me to maintain NC indefinitely if we did not share any mutual friends or activities. I’ve already had to stop going to certain parties and events I like so I don’t see him… it feels really unfair.

 

Abuse is nigh impossible for anyone to understand unless they have been through it. I probably wouldn't recommend spilling my guts to another person who doesn't have an understanding of abuse. I really think we are primed for abuse from childhood and life experiences. I can look back at my childhood and understand exactly why I was a sitting duck for the relationship that I fell into. I think that if you can find awareness, you have the ability to change. There are some you tube channels for free that talk about abuse. Spartan Life Coach and Lisa A Romano. They are both life coaches that post shortish vidoes to you tube for free.

 

As to the mutual friends. . . . yeah, that sucks. Unfortunately, most people have to deal with that, so you are far from alone. A lot of people have kids with their exes, so it's even more difficult. It would be nice to take a wand and completely poof the ex out of existence, but it doesn't work like that. What you can do is take steps to greatly minimize any contact you have by blocking cell phones, social media, ect. Don't ever bring the ex up to mutual friends. Not even in passing. You said you avoid certain parties. You're right, it's not fair, but it's the way it is.

 

I work with my ex, but I don't see him often. Still, it sucks. People knew us as a work couple. He actually left the hospital where we work while we were together, so, when we broke up, we no longer worked together. That was so nice until I found out he was coming back. I felt that was so unfair, so I get it. Life just doesn't give you a straight path to happiness. Life throws a lot of sh*t in the way. There is one other hospital I could work at, but guess who works there? His fiance. So yeah, none of that is fair, but I have to accept it.

[ruhrohcd]

I completely identify with wanting a partner's approval. There was nothing I wanted more than for my ex to understand my depression and how hard I was working to overcome trauma. I held her up as "the healthy one"; if she approved of my efforts, I was doing well. If she didn't, I was failing.

 

 

When I was begging her to not leave me she said "you've had five years to get it right and couldn't. Why would I give you more time?"

 

It's interesting that some people, like our exes, expect people to put in massive effort to be what they want, while other people, like me, feel fortunate to even get the time of day and will put up with whatever is on offer. For my own part I know I have to get past feeling that way before I'd even consider myself ready to try again.

 

I guess at this point I'd say that missing her hurts like hell, but I know that talking to her would hurt even more. The trick is not expecting to be pain free, but to mitigate the amount however possible.

[elephantflower]

Feeling really, really down the past two weeks. It’s been 3 months since the breakup. At this point there is not one thing I am thinking about it’s just an overall sadness and hopelessness. I’m in therapy and on medication. I’m trying my best to push through – try to at least go on a walk each day even if it’s something small.

 

The way I feel is hard to describe – it’s almost like the thought of having to interact with other people right now is overwhelming. For example, going to a party or on a date, or meeting a friend for dinner. I feel like I won’t have anything to say or will feel like a failure. I realize a lot of this is irrational but those are the thoughts in my head.

 

My depression is not consistent. When I was with my ex it was never bad to the point that is really affected our relationship. Now it is bad again and I'm worried about being able to pull through. I feel so alone.

[Twigyy]

You have to understand that it is OK to feel this way at this point of time, and it is okay to reject people who invites you for dinner or an outing. The point of NC is to stay away from your ex, and to think about them lesser to heal. So when doing NC, try your best to not keep thinking about it. Whenever my ex pops up in my head I punish myself by doing something productive. Believe that you'll make it, and be happy again. People here have done it before, and you can do it too. Stay strong.

[elephantflower]

I am depressed right now. I have been depressed before so I know that’s what this is. When the breakup first happened I could pinpoint sources of pain but now it’s just all sadness for no reason. I feel hopeless.

 

I got divorced about 5 years ago after a 10 year relationship. I lost almost all of the people who I thought were my friends. I still have some of those friends but most of them did not even email to see how I was doing. The friends that I did still have were very supportive during that time but all are married with children (different place in life than I am right now). I moved to a new city and tried to develop a new group of friends – I didn’t really click with anyone. Then 2 years ago I got into the relationship with the most recent breakup. I made some new friends but never had a “friend group.” I made a lot of people I thought were friends with me and him. Now that the breakup has happened I feel so alone. I feel like I don’t have a core group of people. I have friends – but as I mentioned almost all are married with children. I’m 33 – I’m trying to meet new people and do new things but it’s been really difficult.

 

I think part of the other issue is dealing with the fact that with my ex husband and the most recent ex it was almost the same issue. It’s almost like in the end they became different people. It scares me. It makes me feel like the entire relationship was a lie. When the most recent ex has reached out to me I feel like he doesn’t really care how I’m doing I feel like he is just doing it to see if I will respond or to get a reaction out of me. It makes me feel awful. I am a kind, loving, thoughtful person and feeling like someone doesn’t have my best intentions at heart is really hard.

 

I’m having trouble because I’m not doing well but feel like I should be doing better but I’m not. I’m hard on myself. All I want to do now is come home from work and be in bed. I’m on medication, in therapy, trying to write here and another forum and my family and really close friends are aware that I’m depressed but Im not sure anyone really gets it. There is the usual – “tomorrow is a new day” “things will get better” etc etc. I know they are meant in a kind way but I don’t feel that way right now. I feel like I cant make friends, cant have a relationship, I feel like a failure. I feel like all the efforts I have put in my life have not really meant anything. I feel like being a kind and nice person has always made me a target. I guess part of it is my responsibility. I want to not be a doormat and be strong.

 

I want to not feel horrible constantly. I have thought about moving. It seems dramatic and maybe it is…. Even though I’m in a huge city there are so many connections with my ex that even when I try to find things and people that are not associated with him somehow the people and things come back to him. I feel like I can’t have anything of my own. I honestly feel like I’m going crazy at this point. It’s been 5 months since the very initial freak-out he had about about 3.5 months since the actual final breakup. I feel like I should be farther along.

 

The verbal abuse that happened makes me feel I should be glad this is all over. Which I am in a way… but another part of me makes me feel like I was a failure that someone who was so awful couldn’t even see much in me to try and make it work. I realize that is my stuff that I need to work on but I think that’s where my mind keeps going. I don’t feel good enough and then it’s like his actions just go along with what is in my head. This has deeply, deeply affected me. I want to be myself again. I don’t know how to get back there. I feel like this has ****ed up my mind.

[BC1980]

The verbal abuse that happened makes me feel I should be glad this is all over. Which I am in a way… but another part of me makes me feel like I was a failure that someone who was so awful couldn’t even see much in me to try and make it work. I realize that is my stuff that I need to work on but I think that’s where my mind keeps going. I don’t feel good enough and then it’s like his actions just go along with what is in my head. This has deeply, deeply affected me. I want to be myself again. I don’t know how to get back there. I feel like this has ****ed up my mind.

 

First, I have a lot of empathy for you, and I'm sure other posters do as well. I have felt a lot of what you described, so you aren't alone. There's a lot to respond to, so I'll take it piece by piece. So the part about your ex being abusive yet you still take it hard that he left. Yeah. . . . that's common actually, and I went through it myself. It's kind of a complex issue, and they way you feel doesn't seem to make sense on the surface. Especially to other people who haven't experienced it.

 

My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive for sure, but, for a long time, I mourned him and the relationship. I get where you are coming from. It seems like someone who did such heinous things shouldn't deserve a bit of grief, but emotions don't work like that. You did love the good parts of this guy, and you had an image in your mind of what he was. Some probably based in reality and some not so much. You also pinned hopes and dreams onto him, so you have to mourn those losses as well. You are allowed to mourn who you thought he was. You are allowed to mourn the fact that a person with whom you shared a deep intimacy turned on you.

 

My ex was probably the first person in my life that profoundly disappointed and betrayed me. So I'm allowed to grieve over that, and it's entirely normal. Grieving over that type of loss does not mean that you want your ex back. The fact that I grieved deeply over that betrayal does not mean that I felt it would be a good idea to resume a relationship with my ex. It meant that I had to slowly come to terms with the fact that he wasn't who I wanted him to be. He wals never going to be the person who could be a good partner.

 

I think that when you feel bad and want to break down, you need to have those moments. You need to allow yourself to break down and cry your heart out. It sucks, but you have to go through it.

Edited May 4, 2015 by BC1980

[elephantflower]

Thank you again to everyone who has responded even though I haven’t had as much advice to give to others – I really appreciate it. This site has helped me SO much I can’t even put into words… so, thank you.

 

What are some steps you have or are trying to take in your life to heal? I tend to want to shut every thing out and almost pretend it didn’t happen – I’ve done this in the past by completely cutting contact, erasing emails, friends, etc so I have no real record so even if I wanted to go back and look or reminisce I couldn’t and over time the hurtful things become less and less. Even then, with my ex-husband who was also abusive but in different ways from this ex, I still can’t stand to see him. I actually have been able to avoid him since the day he left, 5 years ago, for another woman because I was “mean” and he couldn’t stand the thought of having children with someone like me.

 

With this relationship, I have been able to get rid of physical things – I mean, I get rid of ANYTHING that is a reminder. A xmas gift his mother gave me, a spice we used one time for a recipe. All photos have been saved and sent to a friend but I don’t have them on my computer, or facebook or at my house. However, completely cutting contact through facebook (I have defriended him 2 times and we have become friends again) or through phone (I have “blocked” him several times but unblock). I just can’t bring myself to do it even though I KNOW every single time there has been contact since the break up (and my realization of what he had been doing) it has made me feel worse. It’s like I keep hoping, even now, that he is going to be a nice person. Or understand that saying such and such to me is hurtful but it never changes. Maybe that is my issue – denial?

 

I was in a friendship (we dated for a month then became friends and roommates) with a guy for THREE years that was emotionally abusive. I totally see it now but I didn’t see it then. I thought I was helping him and he was misunderstood. I don’t talk to him at all now and have him blocked everywhere. I don’t care. With my ex, I still care about him so completely blocking him out (even though its for my benefit ultimately) seems so mean. I don’t want people to think of me as a mean person. I don’t like thinking that other people think there is something wrong with ME. Maybe there is something wrong with me!

 

I’ve thought about writing down all of the things I remember him saying or doing. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do this yet but maybe this will help me remember why I don’t want to talk to him. Literally, every conversation gets turned around on me and I sit there crying thinking – “I did this to myself AGAIN!”

[BC1980]

With my ex, I still care about him so completely blocking him out (even though its for my benefit ultimately) seems so mean. I don’t want people to think of me as a mean person. I don’t like thinking that other people think there is something wrong with ME. Maybe there is something wrong with me!

 

I’ve thought about writing down all of the things I remember him saying or doing. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do this yet but maybe this will help me remember why I don’t want to talk to him. Literally, every conversation gets turned around on me and I sit there crying thinking – “I did this to myself AGAIN!”

 

So in an effort for people to think you are nice, you sacrifice what is best for you. You think it's better to hurt yourself emotionally so someone who treated you poorly doesn't think you are mean. Those are the nuts and bolts of what you think and are doing. It's actually not even logical when you think about it. So this guy verbally abused you, but you are worried he will think you are mean? Shouldn't it be the other way around? He could probably care less that he hurt you, yet you are the one who is looking for his approval.

 

I think a lot of this has to do with supporting yourself and supporting what you know happened. If someone treats you like sh*t, you have to be strong enough to recognize that and walk away. I bet you have the mindset that you caused the person to treat you badly and that it's your responsibility to fix it. Look, of course, no one wants people to think they are mean. I don't want people to go around thinking I'm mean, but I also want to stand up for myself. You can still be a kind, loving person while enforcing boundaries. Being kind is not the same as being treated like a doormat.

 

You probably aren't even acquainted with how you truly feel because you are so concerned with what others think. Will people think you are mean and immature because you blocked your ex on FB? The truth is that people don't really care that much. I work with my ex, and I ignore him every single time I see him. Do you think I care what people think about that? I probably would have in my former life, but I couldn't give a rat's a** now. You probably need to read up on boundaries and codependency. It's difficult and uncomfortable to start enforcing boundaries and prioritizing your feelings when you haven't done it before, but it gets easier over time.

[elephantflower]

I came back to write. Even if what I’m writing doesn’t make sense to anyone else I need to talk to someone or just get it out.

 

I’m having a hard time. I realize that is the point of this forum and what I have said in every single one of my posts but my depression has gotten really bad the past two weeks. I have still been able to go to work but that is all I have been able to do besides trying to sleep and eat. This has now turned into me spiraling WAY backward into the beginning stages of how I felt – I’m not sure exactly how I got back here when I felt like I was making progress. My therapist is sick and in the hospital so my appointment for this week was cancelled – I almost had a breakdown when she sent the message. I need to talk to someone.

 

I feel alone. I feel like I’m going crazy. I don’t feel like myself. I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I am sick of crying. I am sick of spending energy on this. I am sick of not sleeping. I am sick of feeling sad. I’m sick of worrying about when he will try to contact me. I’m sick of worrying in general. I’m sick of everything. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

 

I hate him for treating me so badly and not even having the courage to break up face to face. I hate that he drug me through 2 years of all of this only to break up with me over the phone. I hate that he took my kindness for granted. I hate that he was hateful toward me. I hate him for pushing me further and further and further down – and when I tried to get back up kicking me further down. Nothing I did was good enough. Nothing. Endless hours of crying and trying and trying to make it better – trying to do better and be better and it was never enough.

 

I want to believe this will get better but right now I don’t feel that way. I feel like I will need to move. Everything reminds me of him. I feel like I can’t move forward. I cant get on facebook. We have over 150 mutal friends…. Who I guess were really more his friends then mine since none of them have contacted me. I feel abandoned.

 

I don’t understand how people get this involved in relationships and move forward. This is like my divorce. How am I supposed to trust again? I cant go through this ever again. I have never had a relationship this involved except for my marriage. I trusted and believed his actions and words – he loved me, we lived together, we had a life together, we were planning a future. Then I go on vacation and come back to a different person – I think he freaked out about buying a house in the spring and me moving in… I had said something about it being a big commitment for me (I was scared). I guess he got scared too. I hate myself right now.

[elephantflower]

Totally crippled by anxiety today. Now fear that the breakup has triggered my depression and anxiety. Was not able to go into work. Fear losing my job at this point.

 

I need support. I feel at this point it is not normal but I don't know what else to do - I'm on medication, go to therapy, talk to family and friends and fear I am spiraling more downward.

 

Ex contacted me yesterday about mail -- I haven't been able to go completely NC. I responded politely and told him he could recycle it. We chatted for a bit... just really casually about how we were (I lied of course and said I was doing okay). That was it. It really wasn't a big deal but it still bothered me. What inside of me is stopping from blocking him -- it is almost as if that is more painful than speaking to him. Is it denial?

 

I would appreciate not getting completely chewed out for my actions. I'm trying to work through this as best I can and know I don't always do things the "right way". I'm trying.

[BC1980]

Totally crippled by anxiety today. Now fear that the breakup has triggered my depression and anxiety. Was not able to go into work. Fear losing my job at this point.

 

I need support. I feel at this point it is not normal but I don't know what else to do - I'm on medication, go to therapy, talk to family and friends and fear I am spiraling more downward.

 

Ex contacted me yesterday about mail -- I haven't been able to go completely NC. I responded politely and told him he could recycle it. We chatted for a bit... just really casually about how we were (I lied of course and said I was doing okay). That was it. It really wasn't a big deal but it still bothered me. What inside of me is stopping from blocking him -- it is almost as if that is more painful than speaking to him. Is it denial?

 

I would appreciate not getting completely chewed out for my actions. I'm trying to work through this as best I can and know I don't always do things the "right way". I'm trying.

 

You still stay in contact because you fear completely detaching. Even though it makes no logical sense to stay in contact, it tempers your anxiety for just a little bit. But as you can see, you are right back to square one the next day because talking to him can't fix what's broken underneath. It can't heal all the hurt you have to process from the breakup. Yes, it's a part of denial. It keeps you from having to face the deep hurt he caused, and, trust me, I understand. No one wants to face the hurt. It sucks.

 

But you have to face it in the end, and there is no easy route. It's hard to get over emotionally abusuve relationships because you doubt your own reality. You are broken by the time it's all said and done.

[elephantflower]

BC1980 - I really appreciate you still replying to my thread. I know it has been long and a lot of what I have said has been repetitive.

 

I think you are right. As I sit here, calling "sick" in from work due to anxiety, sobbing into the mirror and thinking about ACTUALLY blocking him and for real NEVER speaking with him again -- I think you hit the nail on the head. For some reason, not blocking his number (even if I dont text him first) and keeping him as a facebook friend still keeps some sort of hope -- which is delusional. Maybe that is why with everyone else I have ever dated (except for my ex-husband) I have kept them as facebook friends and contacts on my phone. Maybe I can't completely let go.

 

I'm crying as I write this thinking about actually completely detaching. I am in so much pain, I can't even explain it. I feel like I'm almost on the verge of a mental breakdown at this point. I can't take this stress anymore. The anxiety is now crippling. Completely cutting him off is like him dying... I don't know if I'm ready to accept it. Or at least not until I see my therapist again.

 

I'm sitting here thinking about how much we used to talk, our jokes, everything. And to get a text that's just this weird casual thing hurts too... because it's not how it was and I miss that.

 

I do believe in my heart that the relationship was abusive. I think I'm still partially in denial about that too because it's almost as if I see him as two people and the good person that I saw would hate himself for acting that way but when he was evil it was literally like he didn't care -- he was almost dead inside. And in the end I knew I couldn't live that way but I'm still absolutely heartbroken. I was deeply in love with him.

 

I'm gutted by this. I need to keep coming here and talking about it. I appreciate everyone's compassion because I know how I have been dealing with this hasn't been what everyone is suggesting.