Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[Tone Loc]

That's very sad, I'm sorry this happened to you. I think he did love you, but it's really sad to hear about the way he treated you. He was completely horrible to you, always knocking you down and being really mean and horrible. He sounds a lot like me, I did a very similar thing to the girl that I love. I pushed her away, treated her horribly, made her feel worthless and unloved and destroyed her life, even though I love her with all my heart, I made huge mistakes and kept repeating the same mistakes. I'm not sure what's going on in your boyfriend's mind, perhaps he's under a lot of pressure and stress in his life with his job etc. But there is absolutely never an excuse to treat someone the way he treated you, it's unforgivable. Why do we destroy the people that we love? It's a difficult question to answer. So much of what you described resonate with me, I treated my ex girlfriend in such a poor and terrible way just like your boyfriend treated you. I never meant to hurt her, I didn't think I was ever capable of ruining someone's life like that. I think this man is very bad for you, you're worth more than that and you should have walked out on him a while ago when you started to see the signs and he started to become a different person. My ex girlfriend kept telling me the same things, she would tell me that everything between us was a lie, she would say she wants the old me back, that she hates this person that I've become, but the thing that I try to explain to her is that I never wanted or meant to hurt her. So you shouldn't necessarily think that it was all a lie or that you were used because that might not be the case. I'm not making excuses for him, he's completely way out of line and you don't deserve to be treated like that. I'm not sure what to say really, again sorry to hear about your story, I'm in so much pain myself and I can really relate to this story on a level because I'm the bad guy in this scenario.

[elephantflower]

Hi Tone Loc,

I appreciate you responding to my thread -- it has been a very painful journey here. I am sorry to hear about your breakup and it sounds like you are hurting. Looking at the positive side of things, it sounds like you have learned how you want to treat people in the future -- which is a positive step forward for you! Many times when people are verbally abusive it is a control issue -- somewhere deep inside you might feel out of control by the things your girlfriend did or said or it made you feel 'weak' in some way and in order to feel like you are in more control you would treat her badly.

 

For most abusers I don't think it something that is done consciously -- although it can be. I don't think my boyfriend was sitting around trying to look for ways to make me miserable and I don't think he was doing it on 'purpose'. I think he has major control issues which caused him to feel anxiety and in turn that came out as putting me down which led to a horrible cycle that has caused me a lot of pain. I didn't even completely realize when it started happening -- at the very end it was horrible and I could see that but when it started occuring I kept thinking if I did everything "better" or more "correctly" or said the right thing it would stop... but it never did. It actually got worse and it got to the point where literally nothing I did or said was right.

 

I eventually did leave but he convinced me to come back and that he loved me and wanted to work it out so I agreed to "break" (me living at another place so we had some distance). He then chose to use that time to online date and meet another girl and then dumped me over the phone after 2 years together. This is not a person that if you ever met out you would think was "off" -- he comes off has a "nice" guy that everyone loves. My mother even described him as "kind and gentle" when they first met. But there is evil in him somewhere...

 

When I saw him after the breakup he was extremely cold. He moved on quickly and for the most part has acted like I barely meant anything to him. He started dating before my stuff was even out of the house. This is a person that a month prior was telling me I was his best friend, best partner, best everything.... I don't know how you go from one extreme to the other so quickly. I deeply loved him and the person I thought he was.

[tryingtomend]

When I read your post I felt like I was reading my life. I was married for 9 months and together with my soon to be ex husband for 5 years. He just broke it off with me in the last 6 weeks or so and I'm reeling. He also emotionally abused me and he verbally abused me as well. I didn't know why I broke down crying at times with him or why I felt like I couldn't connect with him over the most simple things.

 

I started going to a domestic violence counselor after some advice from someone who knew the signs. I'm starting to realize that I was in an emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive relationship.

 

My ex-husband was also sensitive and kind which made it hard for me to see the abuse. I always imagined abusive relationships as dramatic and physically assaultive. It surprises me that I let him wear me down with his constant criticism and belittling.

 

I started to feel like I couldn't do anything right when it came to him.

 

Like you I stood up for myself and told him when he hurt me. I tried to set boundaries. He would apologize and then later on the behavior would come up again.

 

Being in love with him made it hard to deal with his coldness.

 

I got diagnosed with a chronic illness recently and he told me that if it was him he would let me go. He broke it off with me and he has had no contact with me except by email.

 

He will not talk to me on the phone. He is the coldest person I have ever encountered and like you I wonder if he ever loved me. It seems like he didn't and it's hard to deal with.

 

I still miss him and that is frustrating because I know that how he treated me was horrible.

 

I resonate with your post so much. I hope you feel a lot better now.

[BC1980]

For most abusers I don't think it something that is done consciously -- although it can be. I don't think my boyfriend was sitting around trying to look for ways to make me miserable and I don't think he was doing it on 'purpose'. I think he has major control issues which caused him to feel anxiety and in turn that came out as putting me down which led to a horrible cycle that has caused me a lot of pain. I didn't even completely realize when it started happening -- at the very end it was horrible and I could see that but when it started occuring I kept thinking if I did everything "better" or more "correctly" or said the right thing it would stop... but it never did. It actually got worse and it got to the point where literally nothing I did or said was right.

 

I do agree that most abusers don't sit around and plot abuse like a mad scientist. I think it is mostly just the way they are. It's how they have been conditioned due to life experiences, and they do get some high from controlling others. I think they recognize something is "off," but they don't think about it too much. My ex was almost child like at times. His mentality could be very immature at times, and it made me feel sorry for him. Like I needed to protect him. I feel like he never emotionally developed past a certain point (when his mother abandoned him at age 9), so I think he was capable of emotion but I rarely saw it. It's so difficult to quantify that though. It's not black and white like physical abuse. So you doubt yourself. The way he worded things or saw the world, it seemed like he emotionally distanced himself from others. He saw people as good only so far as they were useful to him, and he saw others as a reflection upon himself. He would make remarks that if I gained weight or dressed sloppily, it would reflect badly upon him. I just don't think in those terms.

 

I can totally empathize with the mindset that if you just say or do the "right" thing, everything will be okay. That is a terrible place to be, and it took me many months to see the beauty of getting out of that mess. I used to be worried about voicing my opinion about a movie/song because I thought the ex would disagree. It's sad when I think back about it. If you are in a situation where you have to worry about everything you do or say, something is wrong. You need to find someone who can love you for you.

[elephantflower]

I'm on day 2 of not being able to go into work or leave my house. I haven't slept in almost 3 days. This has entirely ****ed up my head -- I can't really describe it to anyone unless you have been in an abusive relationship... it doesn't even make sense to me and I'm the one going through it.

 

The rollercoaster needs to stop. I have got to find a way to deal with what is going on inside of me. I haven't tried to fill the void by dating, drinking or doing any of that. I have taken xanax which has turned out to be a horrible idea because I overtake it and can't function but it let's me sleep and ease the pain momentarily.

 

My mind one minute is fine -- I can see the abuse, see through him, and feel better. An hour later, I am sobbing uncontrollably thinking about how all of this was caused by me. I feel like maybe at the end I should have been more communicative. When I ended up leaving I got an airbnb -- I just told him, I didnt really have a discussion because I was scared (of him)... after that he was totally distant... it seemed like before that point he wanted to work through things, had told me he loved me. WHY IS THIS IN MY HEAD? MAKE IT STOP. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

 

The denial is unreal. That's what this is. There is still some ****ed up part of me that is hoping he will miss me. Hoping it can work out. I don't know what is wrong with me. It's been 3 months. There is anger again now on my part because he had several weeks ago he wanted to be friends and wanted to see me - I told him I wasnt ready then several days later thought (stupidly) that maybe it would help with closure. I contacted him to let him know and asked him if he wanted to meet. He told me "we should wait awhile. I feel like you are still angry with me and I'm busy all week." Maybe this would be a normal response anyone would have (because I was angry) but it just feels like he went from wanting to be my friend to now hating me.

 

Why do I still care? WHY DO I CARE? This feel like it has taken over my life. I don't know how to effectively cope anymore. I feel like I'm living in a living hell. I almost feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown at this point. My body cannot take this stress anymore -- I don't feel like myself.

[elephantflower]

It's as if I have all of these now regrets looking back. Maybe I could have helped more? Maybe I was being lazy? I don't feel stable. I can't even explain this feeling to other people... it's like I want to fix it and I can't. I wanted to work it out, I wanted to help him -- I feel rejected.

[charliemorgan]

Right now the only thing that's going to ease the pain and clear all these confusing emotions is time and trying to distract yourself. Medication is not a good idea as it can lead to dependance which you certainly don't need after all you've gone through. Do you have any close friends you can call and maybe go over for a couple days, or even they come to yours just to support you? Things will definitely seem better eventually but unfortunately as I said it will take time.

 

Charlie x

[elephantflower]

I went home to see my family this weekend which helped with my anxiety and I was finally able to sleep. I think my parents are confused about how to help me and confused as to why I’m still so upset given that my ex was an a-hole. I have tried explaining my emotions but I don’t understand it any more than they do… I WISH I did not feel anxious and I wish that my moments of anger would last longer or apathy would take hold. Right now there is still a lot of self-blaming, denial, and sadness.

 

I’m reading Nice Girl Syndrome and I see myself so much in the book – I will probably read it more than once so it can sink in more. In reading the book, I think one of my biggest issues is believing that because I am a nice person that other people should be nice to me. Even reading it, it is really hard for me to grasp that people are so cruel in the world. I think I constantly give people the benefit of the doubt and it is hard for me to believe that my ex was abusive.. putting that label on it seems so extreme… even though he completely was there is some sort of something in my head that is fighting it…

 

It was helpful to see my parents and tell stories again so I could have them validate that I am not crazy and the way he was acting was not okay. I think this made me feel better to hear again and again when I would tell a story that the behavior is not normal. Somewhere in my head I’ve been justifying it thinking “It wasn’t that bad, was it?” But then when my mom says “Oh my god, what a horrible person.” I remember how it made me feel…

[brokengirl85]

I think you want to justify he's a horrible person do you can think of him as a j.erk and feel better about yourself but truth is you gave your own issues that need to be addressed. There's no need to trouh garbage to him because of what he did, you need to stand for yourself and let go.

 

I think a relationship is two people. You are not a victim.

[elephantflower]

I definitely don't want to be a victim! The emotinal abuse has just taken a toll on me during the breakup. I'm working right now with a therpaist to make sure I don't get myself into that kind of situation again.

 

When someone calls you lazy, tells you you can't do anything right, etc but then the next day acts completely normal -- it's confusing. I agree that I need to figure out why I stayed with someone like that. I'm certainly not a perfect person but I was a good partner -- I never put other people down to make myself feel better.

[elephantflower]

I am happy to report that I am starting to feel significantly better. I have been sleeping much better and have not cried in over a week.

 

Last night my ex texted me to tell me about an article he thought I would like in the New Yorker. I don’t understand this at all.

 

Even though I’m in my early 30s I’ve only had 2 serious relationships – a 10 year relationship/marriage and then this one (2 year relationship).

 

I’m not always sure what is “normal” and what is not in terms of breakups… is it normal for someone to keep contacting you after THEY break up with you (and were emotionally abusive). It seems like if I broke up with someone I wouldn’t keep contacting them. I’ve dated people (2-4 dates) and kept in contact with them but I feel like that is different – I didn’t love them and could legitimately be friends with them.

 

It just seems so strange to me.

 

It was also my birthday yesterday and he didn’t bother saying happy birthday (not that he should but if he was going to text me anyway…)

[BC1980]

I think it's normal for most dumpers to contact the person they dumped. I think it's also hard for them to go cold turkey, and there usually isn't that much thought behind it. They might be looking to we if you will still answer. I honestly think that is the majority. Just curious if you are still there. It stinks because they can be so cavalier, just checking in then going on about their day. Meanwhile, you are dying trying to keep NC.

[ruhrohcd]

Mine just sent me an Xbox friend request after 9 months of NC. Delusional or cruel. Our exes may not be aiming for calculated cruelty, but the lack of empathy or regard is staggering.

[elephantflower]

I'm still kind of on a rollercoaster. It has been 4 months since the breakup. I thought a lot of this would be over by now. I have ended up changing my phone number and email. He contacted me a few days ago through facebook to ask if I received his text last week... he had sent a picture of a piece of mail that was delivered to the old house.

 

Part of me is having these thoughts now like I want/need to see him to have closure. Not to even talk about the breakup but our last face to face interaction and our last real conversation were horrible. I am harboring anger. There is something inside of me that wonders if we have a positive interaction and I let him see my dog if I will be able to move on in a more healthy way. I don't want to have bad feelings all the time even if he wasn't good to me. I want to move forward with my life.

 

Is this an awful idea? I don't know why suddenly I feel like this might help.

[ZiggyZoo]

You SHOULD harbor anger, he treated you terribly in the end. Forgiveness, or at least a sense that what happened has happened will come, but meeting up with him isn't going to do it. Closure has to come from within. What could he say that would settle everything and make it seem right, anyway? Even if he listens towhat you have to say, admits that he was in the wrong, and sincerely apologizes, it still happened. Having him admit his fault isn't the point. It's in trusting your own perception of what happened that is.

 

Look at it like this...so you know he was rotten to you, and you're better off without him, right? What you're looking for, and what you think you need for closure, is for him to admit this very thing. But it isn't necessary for him to. YOU need to trust your OWN self, that YOUR judgment is correct, and don't need verification from him. Do you see? That's what it means, that closure can only come from within. You are the only one who can grant it to yourself.

 

And, you should block him on FB too, especially since you're having a hard time getting past this. It really does make a difference, removing any last bit of contact. You're finally focusing on you, and not subconsciously wondering if he's going to see this post, or that picture. I was stuck myself until I finally did that, and it made all the difference.

[DexterLS]

I'm still kind of on a rollercoaster. It has been 4 months since the breakup. I thought a lot of this would be over by now. I have ended up changing my phone number and email. He contacted me a few days ago through facebook to ask if I received his text last week... he had sent a picture of a piece of mail that was delivered to the old house.

 

Part of me is having these thoughts now like I want/need to see him to have closure. Not to even talk about the breakup but our last face to face interaction and our last real conversation were horrible. I am harboring anger. There is something inside of me that wonders if we have a positive interaction and I let him see my dog if I will be able to move on in a more healthy way. I don't want to have bad feelings all the time even if he wasn't good to me. I want to move forward with my life.

 

Is this an awful idea? I don't know why suddenly I feel like this might help.

 

Terrible idea. You will never get any closure from him. You have to find it within yourself. I found that the hard way.

 

Don't meet him.

[elephantflower]

I didn't mean meet up and talk about our relationship. I don't think that is a good idea. I meant just let him see my dog. Have some sense of normalcy? I don't like the fact that our last conversations were so bad. I don't like thinking that was our last encounter. I would like to move on knowing things are okay.

 

I guess this is ridiculous maybe. I don't know. I don't know why I suddenly feel this urge. I feel so childish right now. I'm 33. I think I'm mad at myself that I haven't been able to move past this. My therapist said there is no timeline for grief but I hate having anger inside of me.

 

I'm glad I still come here to talk a lot of this out because I know I'm still not strong enough and some of what I'm thinking is still irrational. I'm going through a phase where I feel inadequate in all facets of my life... I'm withdrawn... I'm depressed. The breakup and the way he treated me in the end has brought up a lot of old emotions that I thought I had dealt with. So at this point it's not even all the breakup -- it's like this entire thing broke me. I think I hate thinking he hates me even though I shouldn't care... he went from being horrible, to breaking up with me, to wanting to be friends, when I said I wasnt ready he told me I needed to get over it (that was 2 months ago), I agreed to meet up and then he changed his mind! And since then all interactions that we have had have been awkward (through text) -- he hasn't really been nice to me. This bothers me.

Edited June 7, 2015 by elephantflower
Addition of Comments

[DexterLS]

I didn't mean meet up and talk about our relationship. I don't think that is a good idea. I meant just let him see my dog. Have some sense of normalcy? I don't like the fact that our last conversations were so bad. I don't like thinking that was our last encounter. I would like to move on knowing things are okay.

 

I guess this is ridiculous maybe. I don't know. I don't know why I suddenly feel this urge. I feel so childish right now. I'm 33. I think I'm mad at myself that I haven't been able to move past this. My therapist said there is no timeline for grief but I hate having anger inside of me.

 

I'm glad I still come here to talk a lot of this out because I know I'm still not strong enough and some of what I'm thinking is still irrational. I'm going through a phase where I feel inadequate in all facets of my life... I'm withdrawn... I'm depressed. The breakup and the way he treated me in the end has brought up a lot of old emotions that I thought I had dealt with. So at this point it's not even all the breakup -- it's like this entire thing broke me. I think I hate thinking he hates me even though I shouldn't care... he went from being horrible, to breaking up with me, to wanting to be friends, when I said I wasnt ready he told me I needed to get over it (that was 2 months ago), I agreed to meet up and then he changed his mind! And since then all interactions that we have had have been awkward (through text) -- he hasn't really been nice to me. This bothers me.

 

Do you really think any kind of future interaction will change anything? You have to realise that things will not be okay now. Maybe a few years down the line but not now.

 

Please stick with No Contact.

[elephantflower]

So I know I’m probably going to end up getting a lot of backlash from this post but I wanted to share so I can keep writing and healing. I made the decision to reach out to my ex and ask if he wanted to get together to see my dog/catch up. He accepted but we haven’t met up yet. We have been messaging through facebook for the past few days – just general chit chat. I personally feel much better – for me reaching out was more about me and moving forward being able to control my emotions. I didn’t like the feeling that he felt like he had control over me because I would react so hurtfully when we would talk before. I feel a weight lifted. I feel like I am better able to move forward at this point. Does anyone have any experience with this type of thing?

[foolinlove79]

It is very hard to match up the person you were with when you were both happy and the person they become when they decide they no longer want you.

 

I find myself going from sad to angry. All over the place really. I run through things he said during the rs and then what he was like at the end and they are like 2 different people.

 

I am about 5 weeks in too and making some progress now i think. I think the hardest and biggest step is to actually accept its over and that they were not good for you.

[elephantflower]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm actually almost 5 months out now... the title is deceiving and was from when I first started writing here. I dont necessarily think he was perfect for me but he was my best friend. i know everyone on here says to cut all contact and never speak again but that's made it worse for me.

[BC1980]

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm actually almost 5 months out now... the title is deceiving and was from when I first started writing here. I dont necessarily think he was perfect for me but he was my best friend. i know everyone on here says to cut all contact and never speak again but that's made it worse for me.

 

It gets worse before it gets better. You keep in contact to avoid the acute pain, but the problem is that contact keeps the pain chronic. It will become a dull ache that never heals fully, always haunting you. It's brutal to feel the pain of NC at first because it's not a quick fix.

[elephantflower]

Well it's been 5 months since the breakup and I did do NC for quite a while. I even changed my email and phone number. He does not know these - we have been communicating through facebook. For right now, I need to function and get through my work week and try to rebuild my life. The way I was before I was not able to do anything because I felt so bad. I'm still going to therapy and trying to move forward -- perhaps this is not the "right" way but at least it is allowing me some bit of peace that I did not have before. I feel like I would feel the dull ache anyway even if we never spoke... I guess I don't full understand completely cutting someone out of your life after years together as best friends.

[BC1980]

So I know I’m probably going to end up getting a lot of backlash from this post but I wanted to share so I can keep writing and healing. I made the decision to reach out to my ex and ask if he wanted to get together to see my dog/catch up. He accepted but we haven’t met up yet. We have been messaging through facebook for the past few days – just general chit chat. I personally feel much better – for me reaching out was more about me and moving forward being able to control my emotions. I didn’t like the feeling that he felt like he had control over me because I would react so hurtfully when we would talk before. I feel a weight lifted. I feel like I am better able to move forward at this point. Does anyone have any experience with this type of thing?

 

Yup, it's called a contact high. You will plummet even lower after you meet up with him, see he still doesn't want you, and life goes back to normal. Been there and done that. You won't get backlash from me. I relate and genuinely want to help you. But I will give you honest advice meant to help you and coming from a place of concern.

[BC1980]

Well it's been 5 months since the breakup and I did do NC for quite a while. I even changed my email and phone number. He does not know these - we have been communicating through facebook. For right now, I need to function and get through my work week and try to rebuild my life. The way I was before I was not able to do anything because I felt so bad. I'm still going to therapy and trying to move forward -- perhaps this is not the "right" way but at least it is allowing me some bit of peace that I did not have before. I feel like I would feel the dull ache anyway even if we never spoke... I guess I don't full understand completely cutting someone out of your life after years together as best friends.

 

So you need to meet up with someone who treated you badly to be able to function and move on? You won't have any peace after this meet up. I'm inclined to tell you to go through with it so you believe me. Does it hurt to cut someone out of your life? Absolutely. You're human. But does it make sense to cut out a person who treated you badly, doesn't have your best interests at heart, and who causes you pain? Yes, it most certainly does. I'm not saying it's easy. Nowhere near that. But if you want to have a good sense of self esteem, you have to be willing to cut people out if you need to.

 

And how you've been feeling. Can't function and feeling awful. I'd say that's about normal at this point. You want to return to him because you want to live in the past and feel like you can rectify this somehow. That's all normal, but it won't work. I'm not saying you want to get back with him, but going back to the source of pain is usually an attempt to "fix." Even if it's subconscious.

Edited June 12, 2015 by BC1980