Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[elephantflower]

I understand what you are saying and I appreciate your input. My self-esteem is absolutely low right now. I do not want to get back together, I think that would be a horrible idea – he did not treat me well at all. Our conversations have been pleasant – we have not talked at all about our relationship. I do not think it would be helpful at this point to rehash it or discuss it – it is done. We have talked about books we are reading, concerts – friendly things. I miss having him in my life. He wasn’t always horrible so yes, I think there is something inside of me that wants to fix it. Somewhere inside of me that wants to see he can treat me well. I don’t know if this is a bad idea but for now I feel better. I may end up feeling horribly again and then will come back here and I’m sure everyone will talk down to me.

 

It is hard to describe how I see him – it’s as if he is two people. The horrible person I seem to suppress from my mind. The person I loved, I miss him. I miss that. I don’t know when the bad person will show up though. I think it bothers me that cutting him out of my life feels like I’m giving him power – that he affected me so much that I can’t even function without getting rid of him. There is something powerful about reconnecting and being able to be emotionless if he gets mean again. I want to be the bigger person.

[BC1980]

Cutting him out of your life would be taking back your power because it means you need nothing from him. Not an ounce of validation from him. Not a friendship with a Jekyll and Hyde. It means you realize that even if there is an ounce of good, the net gain doesn't justify keeping him around.

[thekarmacist]

nobody ought to be talking down to anyone here, no matter what choice they make.

[elephantflower]

I haven't felt that BC1980 was talking down to me but I have felt that way with some other posters in the past.

 

Monday was when I emailed my ex to see if he wanted to see my dog. I felt good about the decision. He wrote back and said "that sounds really nice. thanks for the invite." We texted throughout the day and he ended up not coming over due to a work crisis. On Thursday I wrote him asking him how work was going and we wrote back and forth all day - just about general stuff -- books and music. It was nice to talk to him again. He didnt mention seeing my dog though even thogh he said he wanted to.

 

Last night I wrote him before I went out saying he was welcome to come dancing with friends and me -- he said he was staying in.

 

All of his responses have been timely and pleasant. I feeel fine about contacting him especially since he said he wanted to be friends. Now, hpowever, I am feeling like he is being distant and maybe doesnt want to be friends. Maybe I am reading into it too much. It's just strange to me that he put so much emphasis about staying in touch and being friends. When we first broke up I couldnt do it and I told him that... now that more time has passed I would like to try... but it feels like he is being cold.

 

I will continue to be pleasant and kind no matter what his reponse is. I'm not planning to bring up our relationship or how I feel like he is being distant because that is not my problem. I'm simple saying on here that I think it's odd.

 

I was supposed to go to a party tonight and he will be there also. Was thinking about writing him before I show up but now I'm starting to feel insecrue again. I think it's the back and forth that is confusing. If you want to be friends that is great - but it's kind of rude to say you want to be friends then not really follow through.

[justsounsure]

That's because he's not being a friend, and not worth having as a friend, because he isn't friendly half the time, and doesn't have your best interest in mind. I feel for you. I think you will be dealing with him for another year or so before he does something so awful that you will know it's over for good. I'm sorry that you are in pain. Know that you are not alone. It will get better.

[elephantflower]

You are right. Regardless any interactions we do have I will continue to be pleasant. That is for me and not for him. Everytime I am friendly and pleasant and he is distant I feel better. I know that I am being a decent person -- I am simply being friendly and nice. We haven't discussed the relationship. Whatever his response has been I have continued to be super nice. It's not about him. It makes me feel better to know no matter how he is treating me now that I am better than him.

 

When we first broke up and he continued to try to talk to me I couldnt do it. I was never "mean" but I said something like. I am not ready to see or talk to you... I am still dealing with how you treated me, it's been really hard. Since then he has said he wants to be friends but has been distant. I have felt that any time I express myself he backs away. I wasn't even out of line I was not rude to him, I just needed space to heal. Now it feels like he is "punishing" me or something. So instead of reacting to him, which I think he likes in a sick way. I'm basically killing him with kindness. So there is no way in his mind or mine that it can be construed as anything else.

Edited June 14, 2015 by elephantflower

[justsounsure]

Right ... all of which is great. But what's the point really? You know that you are not going to marry this guy. I know that you don't want the pain of losing him completely, but the only way around pain is through it. Otherwise you will waste years exerting your energy on him rather than grieving, and finally getting over him, and becoming emotionally available enough to move on and find someone else ... all for the sake of not having to feel the intense pain that comes with cutting him out of your life.

 

Think about it.

[elephantflower]

All of that is correct and for right now I feel is what I have to do so I can cope, keep my job and have a social life. I hope to be moving out of state by the beginning of 2017. We have so many friends in common - I havent been going to social things because I've had to avoid him. I want my life back and it was taking more energy for me to completely cut him out and avoid him.

[justsounsure]

hmmmm.

 

i mean i hear what you are saying. i have had my heart broken probably 5 times in my life, and each time i spent the majority of my day at work, or wherever, literally feeling like a zombie due to completely losing that person. but it was necessary.

 

i once did what you did. what a waste of 3 years of my life, and looking back, how disrespectful to my own self.

 

i think you should really resolve to being stronger than that. you need a crash-course in self-esteem, and this is the exact crisis that could force you to do it.

 

i know you won't. but i sure hope you think about it.

[BC1980]

I still don't understand the point of trying to be friends with someone who treated you badly and, by your own admission, is being distant and probably trying to punish you. You also said you need to be friends with him to cope. I'm not understanding why the need to cope is a good reason to be friends with anyone, no matter what the past between the two people. What is to gain here? I wouldn't try to be friends with anyone who acted like that, regardless of dating them in the past.

 

I think what he's doing is really quite common. He's keeping you around but on his terms and at arm's length. He likes you there but only wants you in the backgrounds. That's a common move by a dumper, which serves a variety of purposes. Usually, they want to keep you around for sex, Plan B option, relieve guilt, stay on good terms, ect. There are a variety of reasons that this setup happens, and none of them serve your best interest. And it's really sad because it happens all the time.

 

I know all of this is not what you want to hear because I didn't either. I did the same thing you are doing, and I decided that everyone else was wrong and just didn't understand my situation. The truth is that I wasted 8 months of my life keeping in contact under the pretense of a "friendship" and waylaid the grieving process. I stuck around to soothe his ego and positioned myself as Plan B. Meanwhile, he was dating someone else on the sly. And then the whole question of why I was trying to be friends with someone that treated my like shyte and talked down to me. What was I trying to prove? Whose approval was I seeking?

 

I finally decided that I would have to deal with my emotions without him, so I cut him off. I was d@mned if I would ever speak to him again, and, yeah, it was utter hell for several months. It took me a full year of NC to even feel like I had a chance of moving on. To even feel like I could breathe again. It took a year and a half of NC to fully move on. Now, I finally feel like I can enjoy my life, and I only think of him in passing. I have no emotions towards him, good or bad. You can get there, but you have to put in the time. Short term pain for long term gain. I'm not going to berate you for what you are doing, but I'm also not going to BS you and tell you that it will work. Because it won't. You have not grieved fully, and you are doing yourself a disservice by trying to be friends with him.

[justsounsure]

OP, BC is totally right. But I would bet my 401k that you are not going to listen. It's okay, you aren't ready to heal yet. I know you think that this is helping you heal, but it's not. It'd be like if you were a drug addict, and since the pain of withdrawal and rehab is so severe, you are telling yourself that "a little is okay ... At least I'm only doing like a tenth of what I used to be doing ... So that's progress, right?" Nope! Your life is still centered around the drug. You are still dependent to the drug.

 

Look, getting off the drug hurts. It friggin kills sometimes!!! And the only thing that could possibly give you any relief is just a little taste, yeah?

 

Again, OP, think about it.

 

You say that you don't understand why people feel the need to cut out someone who was their best friend. Focus on the word "was". He is no friend to you anymore. I know that's really sad. Cry it out. Grieve. Jesus Christ, get ANGRY! He took his friendship from you!! (What he is giving you now is not friendship. As BC said, he is talking to you for what could be a multitude of reasons, but none of which are for your benefit).

 

Look, I am in the same boat as you. Actually, I HAVE been before, and that's why my NC this time around is bearable. I know the truth now, and I'm never again going to put my energy into something that isn't giving me the same amount of energy back. That is complete and utter bullsh*t.

 

Actually you have helped me, OP. I don't think that until now I have realized how far I have really come with my growth. And self-worth. I can now be the one to tell you the very things that other people have told me in the past (I have had many different handles on here, of which I've gotten rid of every couple years when I am finally embarrassed of the way I used to act.). In fact, I remember BC responding to me just a couple years ago in the exact way that he is responding to you right now. Guess what? He's still right.

 

So, from someone who knows, listen to us. And also from someone who knows, I know that you won't. But when this finally blows up to the point where you have no choice but to rid this man from your life (and this WILL happen), and you finally are forced to have no choice but to face that pain without your momentary "hits" to help cope, know that that is the beginning of your crisis. And it is a beautiful thing. That pain will force growth in you that you never thought possible. And never again will you ever type the words on a public forum that your self esteem is at an all time low. I hope you look forward this journey.

[BC1980]

The analogy to addiction is spot on. The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we can handle the contact. We justify it by any means. After this breakup, for the first time in my life, I realized that I can cut someone out of my life. I have that right, and I'd even say it's a responsibility. I don't need to beg for the crumbs friendship. I don't need to keep arse holes around because I'm afraid of being alone or afraid they will think I'm mean. I don't need to accept one sided relationships of any kind just for the sake of saying I have a wide social circle. I can be selective, and it's okay. I can enjoy time alone, and it's okay. It's a freeing way to live. It's uncomfortable at first because change always is.

[irresolute]

Do please stop contacting the guy!!! You sound desperate, inviting him to see a dog or to dance. Don't you see he's not interested? He just doesn't want to be rude with you, but I bet he's having sex and enjoying life with some other girl. Stop being a doormat, please!!!

 

You feel ok because you think there's hope, because he replies to your desperate texts. But he's doing so because of boredom, or because he feels sorry for you. Five months of nothing, you're everyday at square one. Do yourself a favor and block him. He's not your friend and he clearly doesn't want you in a my form. Wake up!

[elephantflower]

The last post from irresolute is what I'm talking about when I say people are rude. Both the previous posters have gotten their point across without putting me down.

 

My ex had said multiple times he wanted to be friends and had reached out multiple times to hang out or talk. I needed time away from him. A few months went by and I am legitimately trying to be a nice person and be a friend. I haven't talked about our relationship, flirted or anything like that. I was trying to be friendly just like I would be with any friend.

 

I guess I didn't see it as desperate because I'm not trying to date him. It has become clear in the past week that maybe he doesn't want to be friends contrary to what he told me and his actions after the breakup. He very much wanted to be friends. I offered for him to see my dog or to come dancing because those are things we both enjoy - it was my way of extending an olive branch.

 

He doesn't seem to really be receptive to my messages or wanting to get together so I won't ask anymore but I still don't feel the need to cut him out. It's his loss and I'm a better person.

[irresolute]

The last post from irresolute is what I'm talking about when I say people are rude. Both the previous posters have gotten their point across without putting me down.

 

My ex had said multiple times he wanted to be friends and had reached out multiple times to hang out or talk. I needed time away from him. A few months went by and I am legitimately trying to be a nice person and be a friend. I haven't talked about our relationship, flirted or anything like that. I was trying to be friendly just like I would be with any friend.

 

I guess I didn't see it as desperate because I'm not trying to date him. It has become clear in the past week that maybe he doesn't want to be friends contrary to what he told me and his actions after the breakup. He very much wanted to be friends. I offered for him to see my dog or to come dancing because those are things we both enjoy - it was my way of extending an olive branch.

 

He doesn't seem to really be receptive to my messages or wanting to get together so I won't ask anymore but I still don't feel the need to cut him out. It's his loss and I'm a better person.

 

Good thing you're getting he doesn't want you. Yes, you looked desperate. People doesn't change in five months. You're basically the same. Your ex is a really nice guy, because he's polite and he didn't abused you (you're THAT vulnerable right now, he could have used you for sex and whatever).

You need to block him and move on, he is not your friend nor your lover anymore. He doesn't want you and he's just too nice to ignore you or cut you down. You, however, should get the hints. It's not his problem here, it's yours.

 

I'm sorry. Just wake up.

[elephantflower]

To be clear when we broke up my ex had said he wanted to be friends. After 2 months he wanted to talk and see me and I told him I wasn't ready. He said he wanted to be friends and to let him know when I was ready. It has been two months since then... I actually think he is being manipulative right now which isn't surprising given his past behavior. I wouldn't have had sex with him and I don't feel desperate. I was literally just trying to reestablish connection. I didn't feel that strange about it given he was clear this was something he wanted.

[BC1980]

A lot of people say they want to be friends after a breakup, but it's not a real friendship. My ex said that too. It's really common. It's usually just away to keep you on good terms or on the line. Like I said, "friends" on their terms. As you can see, he's not interested in a genuine friendship and probably never was. It's enough for him simply to know that you are there and willing. He doesn't want to invest. It's really almost impossible to be true friends with an ex because you are trying to completely shift the dynamics of a past relationship. Incredibly difficult and almost never works.

 

Especially in your fragile emotional state, this is not going to work. This is not going to be a friendship built on solid ground. What you are doing is going back to the source of the pain to see if you can turn Hyde into Jekyll. And maybe you can for awhile, but Hyde is his true nature. You can't fix this. He can't help you. He can only cause you pain. I know Irresolute was harsh in her post, but she did hit on something important. Your ex is getting a massive ego hit from you asking him to walk the dog or go dancing. The way he sees it, you are perfectly set up as plan B. For as long as he can, he will keep you around at arm's length.

[BC1980]

To be clear when we broke up my ex had said he wanted to be friends. After 2 months he wanted to talk and see me and I told him I wasn't ready. He said he wanted to be friends and to let him know when I was ready. It has been two months since then... I actually think he is being manipulative right now which isn't surprising given his past behavior. I wouldn't have had sex with him and I don't feel desperate. I was literally just trying to reestablish connection. I didn't feel that strange about it given he was clear this was something he wanted.

 

But if he's been manipulative in the past, don't you need to read between the lines when he requests friendship? Don't you expect him not to be completely honest? Hon, he's not your friend, and he doesn't want to be. That's just a line he fed you. It's like a line out of the dumper's handbook.

 

Have you ever read "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue?

[irresolute]

To be clear when we broke up my ex had said he wanted to be friends. After 2 months he wanted to talk and see me and I told him I wasn't ready. He said he wanted to be friends and to let him know when I was ready. It has been two months since then... I actually think he is being manipulative right now which isn't surprising given his past behavior. I wouldn't have had sex with him and I don't feel desperate. I was literally just trying to reestablish connection. I didn't feel that strange about it given he was clear this was something he wanted.

 

He said that because he's being polite with you and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but as you see, he's not interested at all.

I don't get why you want to be friends with someone who's been manipulative with you, as you said?

 

I think you're a very lonely person. My guess is the guy feels sorry for you, I don't even think he's trying to manipulate you, he's planely not even interested to manipulate you, he's slowly turning you down in hopes you'll wake up some day.

[elephantflower]

To be clear again, him wanting to be friends and wanting to talk and see me has persisted since the initial breakup. He would continue to send me texts, want to see my dog, send me random articles. This was him leaving the door open. I had told him that I wasn't ready. I'm not sure how I am supposed to take that when he is leaving the door open and saying he wants to be friends... its not like he broke up with me and never spoke to me again.

 

So after 5 months, I was trying to be friendly... I'm not sure why people can't understand why that's confusing to me. On Monday when I asked hiim about playing with my dog he also asked what I was making for dinner and if we could eat dinner together -- I thought he wanted to be friends too based on this and then based on saying he wanted to see my dog. So I didn't feel desperate asking about how his job was going based on what he had told me and telling him how I was going dancing.

 

He then suddenly is distant again. It's confusing when someone says they want to be friends, continues to text you, email you and send you things for months. I was always pleasant and nice. When I finally am ready it is confusing that he says he wants to get together but then is distant.

 

so it certainly didnt feel like a line out of the dumpers handbook - sure, if he had broken up, said that to me and then never talked to me again I would get it.

[irresolute]

To be clear again, him wanting to be friends and wanting to talk and see me has persisted since the initial breakup. He would continue to send me texts, want to see my dog, send me random articles. This was him leaving the door open. I had told him that I wasn't ready. I'm not sure how I am supposed to take that when he is leaving the door open and saying he wants to be friends... its not like he broke up with me and never spoke to me again.

 

So after 5 months, I was trying to be friendly... I'm not sure why people can't understand why that's confusing to me. On Monday when I asked hiim about playing with my dog he also asked what I was making for dinner and if we could eat dinner together -- I thought he wanted to be friends too based on this and then based on saying he wanted to see my dog. So I didn't feel desperate asking about how his job was going based on what he had told me and telling him how I was going dancing.

 

He then suddenly is distant again. It's confusing when someone says they want to be friends, continues to text you, email you and send you things for months. I was always pleasant and nice. When I finally am ready it is confusing that he says he wants to get together but then is distant.

 

so it certainly didnt feel like a line out of the dumpers handbook - sure, if he had broken up, said that to me and then never talked to me again I would get it.

 

 

I truly believe that none are more blind than those who refuse to see.

 

Good luck!

[BC1980]

To be clear again, him wanting to be friends and wanting to talk and see me has persisted since the initial breakup. He would continue to send me texts, want to see my dog, send me random articles. This was him leaving the door open. I had told him that I wasn't ready. I'm not sure how I am supposed to take that when he is leaving the door open and saying he wants to be friends... its not like he broke up with me and never spoke to me again.

 

So after 5 months, I was trying to be friendly... I'm not sure why people can't understand why that's confusing to me. On Monday when I asked hiim about playing with my dog he also asked what I was making for dinner and if we could eat dinner together -- I thought he wanted to be friends too based on this and then based on saying he wanted to see my dog. So I didn't feel desperate asking about how his job was going based on what he had told me and telling him how I was going dancing.

 

He then suddenly is distant again. It's confusing when someone says they want to be friends, continues to text you, email you and send you things for months. I was always pleasant and nice. When I finally am ready it is confusing that he says he wants to get together but then is distant.

 

so it certainly didnt feel like a line out of the dumpers handbook - sure, if he had broken up, said that to me and then never talked to me again I would get it.

 

I am trying to get you to see that he is saying one thing but doing another. He's not being consistent. I believe you when you say he said he wanted to be friends and then initiated contact with you. The same thing has happened to me and countless others. I'm trying to explain that his definition of "friends" probably differs from yours. You are taking what he is saying at face value, and you are seeing if from your POV. Because you would be straight and honest with someone, you assume he would do the same. But it doesn't always work that way. You have even admitted that he hasn't followed through on plans to see you and that he is punishing you.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I don't understand the need to be friends with someone who treated you badly and who is now keeping you at a distance. Even if it's completely platonic, why engage in that? I would also never advocate pursuing any type of friendship with an ex unless you genuinely have no feelings for the person. And I don't just mean you know it's a bad idea to get back together with him. I mean, you don't give a rat's butt if talked about his dating/sex life with you or how he's in love with someone else. If that scenario won't ruffle your feathers, then you are over him. But it's always playing with fire to go around an ex and try to be friends. Old memories and feelings get stirred up.

 

I guess my biggest concern for you is that you've expressed how your self-esteem is bad right now, you are completely depressed and barely able to function and cope at work. Though that is normal at this stage in the game and we've all been there, we are not going to advocate putting yourself in an emotionally volatile situation to make matters worse. Because that is what you are doing. You are purposefully placing yourself in a situation (by trying to be friends with your ex) that you are, in no way, equipped to handle. And no one would expect you to be able to handle that.

 

I don't think you are desperate. I think you genuinely, albeit mistakenly, believe that you could pursue a friendship with this person right now. I think you are looking for someway, any way, to cope with the profound grief you are experiencing. I'm simply saying that thought it's not what you want to hear, pursuing a relationship with him is dead wrong and only hurts you. I don't expect you to listen to me or take my advice right now because I didn't take the advice myself. But I do hope that you will consider what we have been saying.

[BC1980]

To be clear again, him wanting to be friends and wanting to talk and see me has persisted since the initial breakup. He would continue to send me texts, want to see my dog, send me random articles.

 

All of this is beside the point. Most of us have been on the receiving end of this type of behavior, so we get it. No one is questioning that he has been the initiator. No one is insinuating that you have badgered or begged him for contact. I'm getting the feeling that you are trying to defend yourself against that idea.

[elephantflower]

My ex called me yesterday and said he was in the neighborhood and asked to stop by to walk dog. I accepted. We actually had a lovely few hours together, talking, hanging out -- it was very comfortable and great to see him. At the end we had a 30 second hug. I felt really good about the interaction despite what people have had to say on here. It was good to feel like we were on good terms again and could be friendly and we both cared about each other as people.

 

This morning he sent me a text saying it was really good to see me and that seeing me has stirred up feelings for him. I haven't responded because I don't really have anything to say. Given his past behavior, I think he will get freaked out if I expand on anything. I also think it would be nice to reconnect and actually be friends but I don't know if it is possible. I never thought he would be the one to have feelings stirred up so I didn't really see this coming.

[MovingOnIsHard]

This morning he sent me a text saying it was really good to see me and that seeing me has stirred up feelings for him. I haven't responded because I don't really have anything to say. Given his past behavior, I think he will get freaked out if I expand on anything. I also think it would be nice to reconnect and actually be friends but I don't know if it is possible. I never thought he would be the one to have feelings stirred up so I didn't really see this coming.

 

If this person treated you badly during your relationship, then why would you want to be friends with him? why do you feel the need to keep holding on to him? You can make new friends. It's okay to let go of your exes. You dont have to be friends with them.

 

Have you ever considered that perhaps he only contacts or sees you because he's bored?