Anatomy of a Breakup ([Update] - 27 Months Out)

[BC1980]

My ex called me yesterday and said he was in the neighborhood and asked to stop by to walk dog. I accepted. We actually had a lovely few hours together, talking, hanging out -- it was very comfortable and great to see him. At the end we had a 30 second hug. I felt really good about the interaction despite what people have had to say on here. It was good to feel like we were on good terms again and could be friendly and we both cared about each other as people.

 

This morning he sent me a text saying it was really good to see me and that seeing me has stirred up feelings for him. I haven't responded because I don't really have anything to say. Given his past behavior, I think he will get freaked out if I expand on anything. I also think it would be nice to reconnect and actually be friends but I don't know if it is possible. I never thought he would be the one to have feelings stirred up so I didn't really see this coming.

 

Based on what you've described, it seems to me like Jekyll came out for a few hours. He turned on the charm and niceties for the walk. Eh, I'm not buying it, but it's your choice. I'm not sure what the point in all of this is. This guy sounds like he emotionally abused you, so I think I'd run far away if I had the choice. I guess I've given you the advice, but, sometimes, you have to learn by trial and error. I certainly did, so I'm not passing judgement. Sometimes, you have to go down the wrong path to see just how wrong it is. But you'll never believe us if we tell you.

 

This guy changes with the wind. Today, you have stirred up feelings in him. Tomorrow, he will be cold and distant and claiming that you took what he said the wrong way. I know how these types operate. Even you admit that he will probably go distant if you even respond to his text. He's in charge here. Make no mistake. You have placed yourself in a harmful situation as a coping mechanism and as a distraction to processing your grief. I was once you. I didn't think I could do any better, so I settled for emotional abusers and took the crumbs. It's a terribly sad way to live when you make it to the other side, and you deserve better. I wish you well, and keep us updated.

[elephantflower]

My ex and I have been speaking everyday. Jokes, laughing, pictures. It feels like we are friends again. We met up again a few days ago and hung out for a few hours.

 

I am happy (just to have him back in my life) but also scared/worried. He said that meeting up “stirred up feelings” for him. I don’t want to complicate things. I am enjoying things how they are. Right now we are just friends, easing back into that. We haven’t kissed or done anything physical which I think is good. Our hugs have been really long (at least a minute) and there has been some light flirting.

 

My feelings are mixed. He seems to genuinely care about me (whether we get back together or not). I’m trying to be cautious about this whole thing because I don’t want to get hurt but it’s hard to think that he hasn’t at least THOUGHT about the possibility since he said it “stirred up feelings” for him. Neither one of us wear our hearts on our sleeves so I was surprised he said that. I didn’t acknowledge it because I don’t have anything to say and don’t want to make myself vulnerable when all we are doing is establishing a friendship.

 

However, there is no denying our connection is still there. Maybe even more than before. It was almost as if not having the pressure of the relationship made us both more easy going.

[BC1980]

However, there is no denying our connection is still there. Maybe even more than before. It was almost as if not having the pressure of the relationship made us both more easy going.

 

It's the push pull dynamic. Be careful of the bait and switch.

[SC1985]

Ok.. I just created a profile just to answer you. Reading your thread has been so helpful for me and decided to try to give back as well.

 

Long story short: broke up with my ex gf in early April after 1.5y together. Will not go into details, but it is shockingly similar to your story. I basically feel your story up to the breakup is 99.9% equal to mine. First they are your soul-mate, then sth happens and lil by lil you find yourself in an abusive nightmare without realizing.

 

The reason I'm writing you tho, is to give you my perspective on how I handled things AFTER the breakup. Trust me, all the sensations you have to reach out, maybe they will realize, I miss her, etc. etc. I have/had them as well. The DIFFERENCE: I went into NC right after the breakup and NEVER ONCE reached out to her! And gosh, so many times I wanted soooo badly (always coming out with an excuse). Thank god I have two great friends who went through sth similar in the past who have been there for me all the time and always managed to block me. My rule was: whenever I want to text her, I'll tell them and if it sounds desperate I will not send it. They always managed to stop me.

 

Plus I unfriended her from any social media a week after the breakup and NEVER EVER went back to check what she is doing. This was to protect myself after seeing multiple pictures of her and her "friend" co-worker passing awesome time together in all the occasions (parties, trips, ...) I should have been with her and she suddenly didn't want me at...

 

I know now you are in an "up" moment talking and getting along with your ex, but I want to bring a few things to your attention:

 

- THEY (my ex and yours) broke up with us basically blaming it all on us and taking no responsibility at all (hence the abuse: we are just not good enough)

- THEY went away and immediately replaced us with someone else they had a fling on.

- THEY took us for granted and walked away

 

How the he!l do you think THEY can REALLY change if we don't give them the possibility to experience the consequences of their actions? He treated you like sh*t, emotionally abused of you, treated you in a way that undermined any certainty and self-esteem you had, and what do you do......... YOU reach out to him and invite him out for a walk. How can he change if he had no chance to experience your value and what he has lost? I feel you are setting yourself up for a very bad situation here, and knowing how I felt and how you felt I implore you: tread lightly! Now you are talking and seeing each other so you can't back out, but tread lightly!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

 

You are the one who has everything to lose and who risks to go back to square one, he is the one who can enjoy your company and if he gets bored can walk away regardless, because at this point you showed him that regardless how he treats you, you'll still be there wanting to see him and inviting him out after 5 months. BE CAREFUL!!! PLEASE!!!

 

If you are interested in hearing how I'm handling the situation and how it's going I'll be happy to tell you more. Good luck elephantflower! You sound like an awesome girl I would feel lucky to be dating!

Edited June 20, 2015 by SC1985
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[BC1980]

You are the one who has everything to lose and who risks to go back to square one, he is the one who can enjoy your company and if he gets bored can walk away regardless, because at this point you showed him that regardless how he treats you, you'll still be there wanting to see him and inviting him out after 5 months.

 

I think this is spot on advice. You teach people how to treat you, and we sometimes teach people to treat us badly. We don't even realize it at the time because our emotions cloud our judgement. Many of us, when we are in love, hold the person to a different standard than we would anyone else. We allow them to get away with things we would never allow anyone else to get away with.

[SC1985]

My point is simple. I learned that if you don't want to be abused you need to put a limit that cannot be crossed, and make it clear that if that limit is crossed there are going to be consequences.

 

In our case, we let them push that limit too far cuz we thought they needed us close and it was our fault. But when someone walks away from you and discards you like a paper bag, you cannot run after them hoping they will eventually change back. Doing so you allow that behavior to be accepted, and they KNOW they can do that again if they feel.

 

You left me and treated me like sh*t? Fair enough, YOUR CHOICE, your consequences.. I AM GONE! YOU LOST ME! And if you are too stupid to figure out what kind of person you have lost right now, I'll make damn sure to give you the chance to go out there and figure it out BY YOURSELF! That means respecting yourself, and valuing yourself. How can you expect others to value you if you act as if you do not respect yourself in the first place?

 

What you are doing treating him well and reaching out to him after he treated you like sh*t and abused of you, is basically telling him "YOU ARE SO VALUABLE AND AWESOME and I am so worthless that regarding how badly you treated me I'm still here for you, looking for you, waiting for you". FU*K THAT!!!!!! YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE ELEPHANTFLOWER!!!!! Sometimes people need to experience loss to really realize what they had! You are not giving him the chance to experience that. I feel you are not making him a favor, and setting yourself up for a very bad situation as soon as he changes idea and pulls back. And trust me, it's not a matter of if, but of WHEN....

[SC1985]

I want to PLAy an immaginary game with you. I'm gonna tell you a story, and you tell me how you would react..

 

Here the story:

There are two children (a boy and a girl). You are the girl. You are walking together along a wonderful road in the coutryside. It is a wonderful road and a beautiful day. You are hand in hand and you love each other so much. You are super happy with each other and both know the other will always be there for you. Then, at a certain point and totally unexpectedly, you decide to punch the guy in the face and tell him very mean things. He's a bit puzzled, but tries to talk to you and make you stop, but you do not care and keep on hurting him. Once done, you laugh at him and start running away from him.

 

He's hurt, but he loves you so much that he starts running after you asking you to stop and start walking together again as if nothing happened. You are still running and see he's running after you. So you turn and try to run even faster away from him. You are not looking back at this point as you JUST started running and you know he's running behind you trying to stop you and hold your hand again. Ok, now close your eyes for 10 seconds and keep imagining you running away without looking at him.

 

GREAT.. Now comes the game.. There are two scenarios and I want you to tell me very honestly what would you do in each of the two:

 

1) You turn again and..... the boy is still running after you. What do you see yourself doing (remember, you are running away from the boy)? ------STOP READING AND IMAGINE YOUR ANSWER--------

 

Great, now scenario 2:

 

2) You turn again and..... you are ALONE......... Daaamn, you were damn sure the boy was right after you, but in reality you are alone..... Where is he?? You look back and you see the boy has stopped. While he was running he noticed a wonderful girl on the border of the street who saw him and is giving him a flower. She is smiling at him while giving him the flower and seems very much interested in the boy. The boy seems to be very happy about this simple gesture, and he is now looking in the girl's eyes while taking the flower. They seem super happy!! He's not running after you anymore.. He's not even looking at you...... So now, what would you do??

 

Pretty different reaction from your side uh?

Now let me ask you, which of the two scenarios resembles the most to the way you are behaving with your ex?? And in which scenario have you instead really noticed what you are risking to lose?? There's your solution....... It's that simple!!

Edited June 20, 2015 by SC1985
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[learnbyliving]

OP, I am one who is/wants to be friends with exes, but only under qualifying circumstances. But first I'd like to say I know how you feel when you feel like you don't want to cut out someone who was your best friend. Perhaps some of us just have a personality where we don't find the same closeness with platonic friends (that we've never dated), so we try to keep in our lives those we feel truly know us, even if it's keeping them as a platonic friend.

 

However, to qualify:

1. Our relationship must have ended due to incompatibility of personalities or life situations. There must be no doubt that we tried to act with each other's best interests at heart, i.e. no cheating, lying, hot and cold yoyo-ing.

 

2. We have to bring some kind of value to each other as friends. I have an ex where we have not wronged each other at all, so we could hang out for the sake of boredom, but else wise there's no value there.

 

3. For #2 to be true, we have to make sure we have killed all hopes and desires of reconciliation. Or else it's too easy to keep them around as a life line.

 

Only 1 of 5* exes meet these criteria for me (currently getting over latest ex so could be 2 of 5). It was the most serious relationship and breakup for me, but yes we are truly friends now.

 

But if you're feeling worried about stirring up feelings or you have mixed feelings, I'd say you're not ready to try friendship yet. Try thinking of him in a loving relationship with another woman, does that make you sad?

[elephantflower]

Thanks everyone for your input. I appreciate everyone being honest without being mean and rude.

 

I think my issue is that I have to feel like I am a good person and took the high road. It's almost like I have to convince myself that there was nothing different I could have done with my behavior. So by speaking again i feel more in control of my emotions (for now).

 

However, maybe everyone was right. I was speaking with my ex again and I genuinely thought he wanted to be friends based on the fact that he had said that, that he had acted on it too and when we had gotten together wee talking again.

 

The last time I spoke to him was Thursday. We texted about our trips out of town - I was flying somewhere and he was going camping. Yesterday I just sent him a few random photos from my trip (which I also sent to 5 other friends). And said "hope you had a great time at xyz" He still has not responded. It's not realty that big of a deal but it makes me feel like maybe he doesn't actually want to be friends.

 

The hardest thing for me to understand is why you say to want to be friends, you hang out, you text, you act like a friend and then you ignore me.

 

I'm not sure if I should say something like "do you still want to be friends"? Or "did you still want to talk" or if I should just not say anything. It's just confusing.

[BC1980]

It's just too hard to be friends with an ex because the dynamic has changed. If you are going to be friends, it will happen in its own time when both parties have well moved on and genuinely don't care. If you care that he hasn't responded to your text, you can't be friends with him. He also pulled the classic bait and switch on you that many people fall for. He baited you into a "friendship" then changed the terms.

 

I wanted to mention your statement that you wanted to reach out and be friends so you could feel like you were a good person and took the high road. That's a big fallacy that I also fell into. The idea that you have to try to be on good terms with everyone, even if they treat you like cr@p, in order to feel like you are not a bad person. First, wanting to be friends with someone to make yourself feel better isn't a good reason to be friends with someone. You have to ask yourself what your motivations are here. Because deep down, I know you think he isn't that nice, so why pursue anything with him?

 

Of course, we all want to treat people well, but it has to stop when that person has wronged you and being in contact hurts your emotional state. You don't have to bash him and think he's scum, but you have to be able to realize when to step away if certain actions have made a relationship a no go. You can be polite if you see him out, but you aren't obligated to invest in him. It typical people pleasing behavior with no boundaries. Something I'm very familiar with.

[BC1980]

 

The hardest thing for me to understand is why you say to want to be friends, you hang out, you text, you act like a friend and then you ignore you

 

It all depends on what his definition of "friends" is.

[SC1985]

In my opinion the most important thing is that YOU HAVE TO VALUE YOURSELF! Your time, your love and your attention are the most precious things you have in life, and YOU have to value them first. As they are the most important things you have, if someone (anyone) wants your time and attention he/she needs to earn them! That means behaving and treating you as you deserve.

 

If you allow people (anyone) to treat you badly and you still give them your time and attention without saying anything, YOU are allowing them to treat you badly! YOU ARE DEVALUING YOURSELF, and consequently communicating that to them. Only once you start putting limits AND ENFORCING THEM, people will then start to respect you as well.

 

He wants your friendship, he has to EARN IT! Stop chasing him, and let him chase you!

[ja123]

OP, you might want to check out the site baggagereclaim. There's a lot of good reading on there.

[Redhead14]

This is a long post.

 

I am in my early 30s – positive, friendly, professional, kind, generous. My ex-boyfriend is around the same age.

We met through an online dating website. Our first date was really nice – we both liked each other. The relationship progressed slowly. He said he was “scared” so I never put any pressure on him and enjoyed getting to know him. It was passionate – the sex was the best either of us had ever had. We connected with our senses of humor and slowly everything fell into place. We took a long trip together and it was wonderful. It took him a year for him to tell me he loved me but I thought he really meant it. He asked me to move in after we had been together more than a year. He started to make plans to buy a house (I would live with him too).

 

He was a very nice person – that is one of the reasons I liked him. He was gentle and kind. He didn’t raise his voice. He had a lot of friends and had good relationships with his ex girlfriends. I did not see this person emerge for a long time in the relationship. In the end it’s like he became a completely different person but only I could see it.

The last few months before our relationship ended, things started to change. He started getting into frequent bad moods and would take it out on me – he would ignore me, or put down things I was saying and later act normal and tell me I shouldn’t talk to him after he has gotten up from naps. He started to turn things around on me – I felt like I was going crazy.

 

I started a new job and was working very long hours – I made an effort when I came home to still be cheerful and loving even though I was stressed. I liked to put on my pjs and read after we ate dinner. He normally cooked during the week but I would help if I was home in time and would always help with dishes. He started to tell me I was lazy because I “didn’t do anything when I got home.” I tried to explain that I was exhausted and just needed an hour or two to relax.

 

He started to complain that I never planned things for us. So I started to consciously plan more – but then he wouldn’t commit to the plans. For example, I asked him if he wanted to go kayaking or to an art museum on such and such date/time and he would tell me he wasn’t sure or he had to see what else was going on . Then he would tell me he didn’t understand why I couldn’t just go do the things myself, without him. When I would try to explain that I was trying to plan more things for us he would get annoyed and tell me I was “needy.”

 

He then started to tell me that he felt like we were spending too much time together so I started doing things on my own. Then he would say he was worried about me that I was going to be burned out or he would get upset when I wasn’t home.

He started to tell me I made excuses for everything. For example, one morning when we were waking up, I said “Gosh, I didn’t sleep well last night.” When he asked me why I said “well I’ve been trying not to take Xanax anymore, so maybe my body is just getting used to being without it.” His response was “you have excuses for everything” then he rolled over and went back to bed.

 

He would sometimes bring up my divorce and ask questions – he was curious and I didn’t mind answering but he started being mean. I calmly explain it had been a difficult time in my life, etc. He would say “I don’t feel sorry for you. Everyone goes through hard times. You jus thave to push through them.” I agreed that yes, of course, I knew everyone went through hard times and I wasn’t complaining but he had asked me questions and I was juts answering them. He told me he didn’t want to hear my “sob story.” This made me extremely upset and I cried. The next day he acted completely normal – he was nice and apologize that he was mean. He said he had been in a bad mood.

 

I started to feel like I couldn’t do anything right. Even the smallest thing he would complain about. The way I chopped the onions was ruining our dinner, putting the pizza in the oven for 15 minutes instead of 13 minutes was ruining our dinner. When I would say how tired I was from work he would say things like “I don’t feel sorry for you. I work hard too and I still take care of the house and cook. What do you do?” He has a more flexible schedule than me and normally gets home 4-5 hours before me and has time to take a nap I was always appreciative of his hard work and help and made sure I told him. I was getting up an hour earlier to help him in the morning with laundry, dishes, tidying up and on the weekends I would make dinner and help with other errands.

We would get in the car and he would ask me to help him navigate – and I would do so. When I was driving I would nicely ask if he could help me navigate he would tell me the GPS was sitting right next to me and that he felt like he always had to help me with everything.

 

His moods were unpredictable – he could be so loving, so caring so nice to me. And then there were some days when he was distant and cold – where he would barely talk to me. When I would ask him a question he would tell me he didn’t always want to have to talk and he felt like I didn’t have my own life. I was so confused.

 

There was one evening where I had planned a date night for us and was cooking dinner and home. Dinner was ready and I could tell he was in a bad mood. He stayed on his computer while I was setting the table and he wasn’t talking. I asked him to please close his computer and he got furious – he told me I was needy, impatient, and annoying. I started sobbing – I didn’t understand it at all. I decided to still go out for the rest of our date… he followed me trying to apologize and I told him I didn’t want to be treated that way and he told me that he had just been in a bad mood.

 

There was a time when I got really sick with a stomach bug. He was housesitting for his parents (15 min away). He asked me if I could bring in the trash cans and then come over and watch the dogs. I told him that I was on the toilet, I was happy to help but I didn’t feel well. He accussed me of lying and told me that a little diahrrea shouldn’t stop me from taking in trashcans. He told me I was giving him an ultimatium that either I could bring in the trashcans or help with the dogs. He went crazy – he sent me a bunch of texts telling me I didn’t help him. I was extremely upset – even being sick I was trying to help and figure out a way to help with trashcans. Later in the day he called me and wanted me to come over – I came over and just started crying. He told me he felt like “something was going on” because I just started crying all of the sudden. I explained that I was upset because of the way he had treated me that day – I had been really sick and he was yelling at me about trashcans! He said I was being unreasonable and refused to talk to me.

 

There was a time when I accidentally dropped a paint brush on the rug and got a drop of paint on it. I saw that he saw and to make light of the situation, I looked at him and said “it got on my jeans!” and laughed. He got mad and accused me of lying and said he knew it got on the carpet. I told him I was joking around and I knew he had seen I was just trying to make light of it.

 

When our landlord needed up to pull some paper work for him. My boyfriend asked me if I could find the papers and deliver them to the appropriate person – I said no problem. I got home from work around 8pm (12 hr day). I immediately started searching for the papers but by 9pm knew I needed to eat dinner and get to bed. I set my alarm to get up early the next morning to keep searching and have enough time to bring them to the office. When my boyfriend got home he was mad because he had told me to get the papers that night – when I explained that I was getting up in the morning he told me I was “always tired” and couldn’t help him. I was able to get up and bring the papers on time but he was still mad.

 

The last straw was when he asked me grab the empty tea containers out of the cabinet on my way to meet him. I brought them and when I got there he got mad because they weren’t empty – he said that he had asked for the *empty* containers and this was wrong. He then started telling me I couldn’t do anything right. He said that lately everything he had asked me to do was “wrong.” When I started asking for examples he said he didn’t want to give me examples because I just made excuses about everything. He said that it was just a “feeling” he had. He told me to go home and he didn’t want to see me. At this point I was like WTF?! None of it made sense. I was extremely upset and ended up going back over to try and talk through it. When I got there he stonewalled me – he wouldn’t speak to me at all and kept brushing past me. He went into bed and I was crying he said “what do you want a hug?” There was zero emotion. I was scared – I felt like he was a completely different person and I didn’t know what to do. He told me turn off the light and leave the room. I was so scared I ended up driving back to the other house, calling my mom and telling her what happened and I needed to leave. I said that I loved him but something wasn’t right. He called me at 5am completely normal – he asked if I was ok and said he had just been in a bad mood and was sorry for being mean.

 

The next day I told him we needed distance and I didn’t think this was going to work. He ended up convincing me to come over to his place and there he told me he didn’t have any complaints about our relationship and was I sure I wanted this. Maybe we should just take a break. I loved him so much and thought that maybe he was finally starting to see how he was hurting me so I agreed to a break. I got an airbnb for a month. The day I was supposed to go to the airbnb he told me he would help me load my car. When he got to the house he was different again – he was distant and cold. He didn’t hug me and told me that he couldn’t help me with the car because he had errands to run.

 

Again, I was so confused – yesterday he was telling me he loved me and didn’t have any complaints and now it’s something different. I went to the airbnb and a few days later he called and broke up with me because he said it was “unhealthy.” He told me that I don’t challenge him and he has always had doubts. I was devastated – I have invested 2 years into this… he was the one that askd me to move in, he was the one that wanted to buy a house. I feel used or something.

 

I am devastated. I am hurt that I was treated/allowed myself to be treated this way. Also, in some sick way I miss him desperately. He has written one emotionless email to tell me that anything I leave in the house after I move my stuff out will be thrown away/given away.

 

I feel like he doesn’t care at all. I keep wanting to call him to talk to him. My family and friends think he was emotionally abusing me. I am so confused and hurt. I think they are right but why do I miss him so much? I feel so much anger that I haven’t gotten any kind of apology, except for a “sorry”. I feel like the preson I initially met isn’t even real. I have never ever seen him act this way toward friends or family. He said I bring it out in him.

 

I wonder if he really ever loved me. Neither one of us had been in a serious relationship for 3-4 years. I really waited until I thought I had found a connection and we DID have one. I have no idea what the hell happened. It was almost as if overnight he had a mental breakdown and completely changed. A lot of the stories I have read say that abusers isolate people, etc. He didn’t do any of that. He never even yelled.

 

It has been 5 weeks since the break up and I’m still having a really hard time – I go from being extremely mad to confused to missing him. He treated me horribly in the end but its devastating to think he could throw me away so easily when we had something so committed. I feel like I don’t have any kind of closure. It has been 14 days with NO contact at all. He texted me this weekend about a piece of mail – I was livid because I felt like he was making an excuse to contact me. I just said “junk” in reply to the mail.

 

I am coming here for support – I have reached out to family/friends, I am in therapy. I can use all of your words and support and thoughts about the situation. Thank you!

 

This man is a diagnosable narcissist. They are very crafty at being the perfect charmer and doing everything right until the woman is "hooked". Then he will start to show his hand. They can and will be on their very best behavior for quite a while depending on circumstances. There are usually little blips in the beginning that get "overlooked" or dismissed sometimes though.

 

He started to turn things around on me – I felt like I was going crazy. -- This is classic gaslighting and this post is riddled with it. Gaslighting is the hallmark trait of a narcissist.

 

The more you try to do for them, the more critical they become.

 

There is a thought that surfaces occasionally about narcissists which says if you want to identify them easily, you should just ask them. That is not correct. Because . . . a narcissist knows that narcissism is a negative "trait". They will not affirm anything that could be viewed as negative. Because . . . they are perfect.

 

Narcissists are incapable of loving another person. They want a need companionship but cannot maintain it on an emotional level.

 

They have a complete lack of ability to empathize. Although, sometimes they will do things to try to appear to be comforting, but they will say "hey, look how well I'm taking care of you or "I'm doing such a good job taking care of her" which is all about him and how it makes him look. They are careful about that when others are around at least.

 

he stonewalled me – he wouldn’t speak to me at all and kept brushing past me. He went into bed and I was crying he said “what do you want a hug?” There was zero emotion -- He has written one emotionless email

His moods were unpredictable -- that is how they control you and keep you walking on eggshells. I feel used or something. you were used for his personal "ego" maintenance program.

 

They have a huge sense of entitlement -- unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

 

You are right to seek counseling and be strong about going NO CONTACT. Not even for one little moment. And, watch your back for a little while. They often will attempt to undermine you with your friends and family. Make sure your friends and family know it's over between you and that you are asking them not to share a shread of information about you.

[tom1666]

Hi Original Post. If you need someone to talk to then I am more than happy to inbox/email you. Perhaps it will help you to vent - your choice.

 

Tom

[stillafool]

 

However, maybe everyone was right. I was speaking with my ex again and I genuinely thought he wanted to be friends based on the fact that he had said that, that he had acted on it too and when we had gotten together wee talking again.

 

The last time I spoke to him was Thursday. We texted about our trips out of town - I was flying somewhere and he was going camping. Yesterday I just sent him a few random photos from my trip (which I also sent to 5 other friends). And said "hope you had a great time at xyz" He still has not responded. It's not realty that big of a deal but it makes me feel like maybe he doesn't actually want to be friends.

 

The hardest thing for me to understand is why you say to want to be friends, you hang out, you text, you act like a friend and then you ignore me.

 

I'm not sure if I should say something like "do you still want to be friends"? Or "did you still want to talk" or if I should just not say anything. It's just confusing.

 

No don't say anything. What do you do when one of your female friends doesn't get back to you until the next day or so after you text? You should have the same feeling about him. People get busy and don't have time to get back to everyone right away unless it is a significant other. You agree that you two are no longer that so don't expect him to act as he did before. I personally think you are too emotionally involved with him to just be his friend. He is going to move you into a FWB position and you will end up hurt. What does your therapist say about your interaction with him?

[Jemay]

 

I am happy (just to have him back in my life) but also scared/worried. .

 

I've read a lot of this thread, you've gotten a lot of good advice but I get it, most of it you're not ready to accept... you're delaying right now.... I was where you were. Delaying. My ex was not only emotionally abusive but also physically and still I craved him like a drug. He's a narcissist and your ex sounds like he's one, too.

 

You're happy right now cause you're not feeling the loss. It's like when a smoker smokes, the cigarette is really bad for you, but getting that fix makes you feel better, until you need another fix, and another. The only way to deal with the addiction is to not smoke. And the only way to heal from this relationship is to walk away doing NC.

 

You put a lot of energy into trying to understand HIM but you've got to stop that and look at you and your co-dependency issues. Listen, there is only one thing to be gained from having ANY sort of relationship with him and that is pain. Pain that won't go away. No contact will be pain too BUT that pain will fade. It will be horrible and gut wrenching at first, and then you begin to heal.

 

Depression may hit you hard but you will get through it. And one day you will be ready for a good man. Until you do this, cut ties completely, you will just be delaying. You are scared of feeling the darkness. I get it!!!! But you've got to trust everyone on here, the pain FADES! Please don't waste any more of your precious life on a man who is not emotionally your equal. You deserve love, big juicy happy love. You have to heal, work on your co-depency, therapy, come on here, but until you make this one step, complete blocking, going NC, you're healing journey will not really begin. Stop delaying, you can do this!! Say NO to him cause you deserve better! Love yourself enough to believe you deserve better.

[SC1985]

Please don't waste any more of your precious life on a man who is not emotionally your equal. Love yourself enough to believe you deserve better.

 

I love this!!!!!!!!!

[Asherx]

So, I read this thread front to back. I'm going to be blunt here but don't take that the wrong way. I DO sympathise with your pain and your attempts to minimize it through any means you can come up with. There is a reason that everyone is giving you the same advice though. Your case isn't different.

 

You are emotionally addicted to him. That much is absolutely clear. The analogy about drug addiction earlier is also spot on. You need your "fix" or you go in to terrible withdrawals.

 

When you were implementing NC (although it was more like faux-NC since you didn't block him on Facebook) you spiralled in to a terrible depression that almost or partially did send you in to a mental breakdown. Of course you would do anything to stop feeling so incredibly and powerfully awful and that's why you broke NC and started responding to his breadcrumbs.

 

 

I can relate to this behaviour. I'm going though a really horrible breakup myself and I miss that girl like CRAZY. It's painful as hell. But I know I can't be friends with her. I just can't. Not that she wants anything to do with me anyway, she's got her eye on someone else... but enough about my case back to you...

 

You say you want to be friends with him so as to show that you are a decent person. I think you may believe this yourself but I don't think that's the whole story by a long stretch.

 

You miss having him there to talk to, share your day with, laugh and joke with ect. It's a horrible thing when you breakup and the person you told everything to on a daily basis is now gone.

 

You believe you need that validation and security to function.

 

You responded to his "friendship" request because you think any contact with him is better than none at all for these validation reasons.

 

It's not going to end well though. It will NEVER be enough. You have feelings for him. He clearly is not matching those feelings with you so there is no friendship to be had. You will always want more from him than he is capable of giving you. You used to be a couple. It will never be enough...

 

Your definition of friendship is skewed. If one of your regular guy friends who you have no romantic interest in told you about a new girl he was dating what would your response be? Whatever it is it wouldn't be an emotional response would it? Can you honestly say that this would be the case with this guy? We both know the answer to this so you know simply from that information that you cannot be friends!

 

I am friends with a couple of exes. The reason I know I am friends with them is because I can sit there and listen to them prattle on about who they are dating (and vice versa) perfectly happily. I have no emotional response to it. Trust me post breakup with these girls I CERTAINLY didn't feel that way and that's why a good chunk of NC was required before any attempt at friendship down the line could be attempted. Both of those exes were also not narcissists like your ex is.

 

You are going to keep getting a temporary rush from even mundane contact and then crash when he doesn't reply, or is aloof and distant the next day. This cycle will continue ad infinitum and you could be in for years of it.

 

I know you are terrified about NC---I still am myself, the thought of losing her forever is painful as hell---but it truly is the only way in the long run and eventually he will force you into it anyway.

 

How long before he starts seeing someone else? Do you think he is going to want you around then? He knows you are totally hung up on him and he will want nothing to do with you when he starts seeing someone on a serious basis.

 

 

You have had some STELLAR advice in this thread. I hope you do take it to heart although I think we all know you won't, the fear of loss and the fear of your emotional stability crashing again is too strong, but the day will come when this guy will exit stage left for good and you are going to be left in that turmoil anyway wondering why you wasted so much extra time.

 

You cannot wean yourself off an ex by spending time with that same ex. It just doesn't work that way. It's a cruel and harsh reality but there it is.

 

I hope you find the bravery to finally take full control and cut him out of EVERYTHING before he does more damage to you. This false hope (this is what it is) is going to hurt you more in the long run.

 

I honestly wish you the best.

[Jemay]

 

When you were implementing NC (although it was more like faux-NC since you didn't block him on Facebook) you spiralled in to a terrible depression that almost or partially did send you in to a mental breakdown. Of course you would do anything to stop feeling so incredibly and powerfully awful and that's why you broke NC and started responding to his breadcrumbs.

 

.

 

So much good thought in this post I hate to just quote a part.... but I really sense this person 'get's it'. Gets what NC is really all about. It's having all our anxieties, all our questions, all our fears, AND STILL doing what is needed to be good to ourselves, which is go NO CONTACT.

 

The thing about NC, it's so ****ing scary.... but once you're in it, you begin to get better. When I read your thread, I felt you getting better. But you became impatient. And I knew you would accept the friends request because oh my god I've been there!!! And because I've been there I know you'll one day soon hopefully 'get it' too. That there is NO other way but going NC and moving on.

 

There's another poster, Satu, I think is his name, her name? I don't know... he was so harsh with me. Stop ****ing around. Go NC, real NC. And when I did, the healing began. One day I felt so much better, the next I was in tears again, for days I was miserable and then I finally had a good day again... and that's healing.... and that's what I wish for you, cause I know your heart aches. Let go of this guy, no matter the history or how you feel about him.... you got a move on sweetheart.

 

Just to all the posters on this thread... thank you xox you all help me, and it feels so good to not be alone in all the misery.

Edited June 23, 2015 by Jemay

[elephantflower]

So I have an update. I ended up writing him and just saying "I realized we never talked about friendship. Based on what you said in the past you had said you wanted to be friends, is that still the case?"

 

He said he did want to be friends. He said seeing me had brought up feelings and he didn't trust himself alone with me because he is attracted to me. He said it has been hard talking to me again because we were so close.

 

I agreed and said it was hard to try and be friends because we have such a history.

 

He said maybe we should still wait awhile to try and be friends.

 

This has given me closure. I know everyone on this site is all about NC forever but seeing him and having this discussion helped me because when we broke up he acted like I didn't matter, that he was over me right away - after 2 years. It was crushing - the way he had been treating me and then the breakup.

 

Knowing that he does care about me and still has some sort of feelings for me made me feel better. It doesn't excuse his past behavior and I'm still mourning the loss of my best friend but it feels more manageable... Like maybe there is an actual human being in there.

 

It's still sad but for me the hardest part had been feeling abandoned.

 

I definitely 100% think he has commitment issues, issues dealing with stress which unfortunately resulted in him treating me poorly. I don't think he is a narcissist. Narcissists tend to be narcissists in all facets of their lives - if you met him you would think he was a nice, shy person. The way he acted toward me didn't seem to be prevalent in any other facets of his life.

 

His behavior was not okay. But I was sick of carrying around anger and being mad and hating him. I hope that he gets help or uses this experience to grow as a person.

 

I think also I have been confused about his behavior -- it's almost like I have forgotten how bad it was and so now I've started to question if I was overreacting. He hasn't acted that way at all toward me and it makes me feel like maybe that was how his stress came out.

[MovingOnIsHard]

So I have an update. I ended up writing him and just saying "I realized we never talked about friendship. Based on what you said in the past you had said you wanted to be friends, is that still the case?"

 

He said he did want to be friends. He said seeing me had brought up feelings and he didn't trust himself alone with me because he is attracted to me. He said it has been hard talking to me again because we were so close.

 

I agreed and said it was hard to try and be friends because we have such a history.

 

He said maybe we should still wait awhile to try and be friends.

 

This has given me closure. I know everyone on this site is all about NC forever but seeing him and having this discussion helped me because when we broke up he acted like I didn't matter, that he was over me right away - after 2 years. It was crushing - the way he had been treating me and then the breakup.

 

Knowing that he does care about me and still has some sort of feelings for me made me feel better. It doesn't excuse his past behavior and I'm still mourning the loss of my best friend but it feels more manageable... Like maybe there is an actual human being in there.

 

It's still sad but for me the hardest part had been feeling abandoned.

 

I definitely 100% think he has commitment issues, issues dealing with stress which unfortunately resulted in him treating me poorly. I don't think he is a narcissist. Narcissists tend to be narcissists in all facets of their lives - if you met him you would think he was a nice, shy person. The way he acted toward me didn't seem to be prevalent in any other facets of his life.

 

His behavior was not okay. But I was sick of carrying around anger and being mad and hating him. I hope that he gets help or uses this experience to grow as a person.

 

I think also I have been confused about his behavior -- it's almost like I have forgotten how bad it was and so now I've started to question if I was overreacting. He hasn't acted that way at all toward me and it makes me feel like maybe that was how his stress came out.

 

So whatwhat are you going to do? Wait around until he finally decides he can be friends with you?

 

You're dwelling too much on this guy. You need to focus on yourself.. Get a new hobby, meet new people, finish that personal project..

 

Also, i still do not understand why you want to be friends with this guy in the first place. He treated you like u didnt matter when he left you.. And now you're the one pushing the issue of being friends constantly. Are you not sick of being someone's doormat?

 

Doesnt matter if he's narcissistic or not.. The fact that he is stringing you along makes him selfish. If he were a decent person, he'd leave you alone and not answer your txts/calls

[elephantflower]

No, I'm not waiting around. I was simply writing an update of what happened. Speaking to him has given me a sense of closure. I'm moving forward with my life. I'm not pushing the issue at all. I basically was just kind of like "sure, sounds good."

[Redhead14]

I'm curious if this behavior is normal... I was in a relationship for 10 years and other than that this breakup (the one I'm writing about above) is the only serious relationships I have had.

 

To me, it seems cruel and unfair to contact someone after you dump them... and given the fact that you were HORRIBLE in the end to me. Do most people just leave you alone? It seems like if you didn't want to work on the relationship and dumped me, then I don't understand why you want to speak with me?

 

Do most people go through this or are most people left alone?

 

I'm not going to contact him I'm just curious about his behavior since the breakup. It seems so odd.

 

I'm curious if this behavior is normal -- It is "normal' behavior for a narcissist. This is why no contact is important. As I told you they are very craft at drawing a person in especially when they know them and their "emotional buttons". The ending of a relationship is a "failure'. They do not like to fail and will do what they can to overcome that failure.

[Jemay]

 

It's still sad but for me the hardest part had been feeling abandoned.

.

 

This statement of yours is really the source of your troubles and the reason you can't move on. What members on here have let you know is the 'fastest' way of healing but it's also a cold turkey scary way and I can totally understand you're scared and right now simply not ready to do it the way many recommend.

 

I have huge abandonment issues, too, and it's why I stayed with my ex. I was sad and upset all the time but the fear of being completely alone made me stay for long after I should have been out of there.

 

So hang in there, don't feel like we're being pushy. There are many ways of healing. You are healing right now as well. It's just the prolonged and harder route you're taking.

 

Be careful though. This is a big huge lesson. A lesson you could own right now and embrace. Because if you do not learn the lesson now, you will most likely meet someone else who will treat you similar.

 

The thing that I want you to think on is that you have and are continuing to accept him (even for tiny breadcrumbs) and with this you have excused his terrible behaviors. So basically you have said, yes, feel free to treat me like garbage, I still want to be your friend. You are accepting this because you fear being alone. This is a big problem. Until you say, hey, I am worth something, and I do NOT accept to be treated like crap, you have very little self worth, and man, doesn't it suck to not think you are worth more??? This is the lesson for you to learn.

 

Codependency, abandonment issues, those area all issues within ourselves that must be addressed before we will ever be capable of a healthy relationship. So just keep that in mind along your journey. xox