Will he realize what he's missing?

[xymox]

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Me and my bf were together a little over 2 years. We've always had fights throughout the relationship but managed to stay together. He ended up dumping me in December when he got a new job because he said I had a bad attitude and were fighting alot. So we were friends for a month then got back together. Since then things were going pretty good I thought, until recently. I saw him a number of times last month but then all of a sudden a few days after I last saw him he stopped calling me. We used to talk pretty much everyday so I thought something was wrong. I called him and asked why he hasn't been calling and he just said that he wanted to take care of himself now and he was busy alot. I asked what he has been doing and he said working, drinking, hanging out with his friends and sleeping. He also said he didn't want to have to worry about me for now and he needed time to himself and he would come to me when he needed me. I didn't understand why he was being like that so i would keep calling him and trying to get more answers but he just ended up getting annoyed with me for doing that. Keep in mind he had previously lived with his mother and now lives with some friends who are around his age. He is 20.

 

I ended up going by his house one night with my friend who happens to be a guy but he didn't act mad about that. He was mad that i showed up there though because he told me not to but I just felt like I needed to see him that's why I did it. He pretty much told me to leave and that I had done a bad thing by going there. I talked to him the next day and he was really mad at me and said I ruined chances of us being together because I went there and didn't listen to him and that going there was psychotic. It's kind of funny because he did something a while ago that would be considered psychotic but I won't get into that.

 

He said he still loves me but needs time away from me. I asked him if he was with anyone else and said no. So i was planning on not talking to him at all but one day I just missed him really bad and ended up calling and he didn't answer so I called again later on and he was very short with me. I asked if he would call the next day and he said maybe and not to call back because he was going to sleep because he had work the next morning. I haven't called since then and he didn't end up calling which I expected. I just feel like I pushed him away by constantly calling but I couldn't help it because I didn't know how to handle him just out of the blue wanting space. He has done this before where he needed space but we at least would talk sometimes.

 

I feel like I should just give up but I don't want it to totally be over. I am his longest relationship and he is mine, and we have been through alot together so do you think he will eventually call me eventhough he was mad last time we talked? I havent called in a few days so that is a start. I'm trying to go for a month of no contact unless he calls me first. I'm hoping that if I really can do this that when he calls maybe things can be worked out. He told me he didn't want me to depend on him so much and I need to be stronger. Well I'm getting to the point where I am and I want him to see that but I don't want him to think I'm trying to impress him. I'm just wondering when he will call and what he will say. He's a very stubborn person so it could take a while. I guess what I'm wondering is do you think that when he does call, if I show him how much I've changed that he will decide he does want to be with me? And when he does call should I ignore him a little while and see if he still tries or should I just try to talk to him right away? I don't know what to do anymore..I feel like there may be someone better out there for me but I really love this guy.[/font][/color]

[LucreziaBorgia]

All the things you think he will 'miss' are the things that he has outright rejected for right now. I wouldn't worry too much about what to say if he calls. Right now, you need to concentrate on you - if you are 'waiting' for him, then you won't make the changes you need to should an opportunity arise for a second chance. The relationship you had with him is over. That's not to say that you won't be able to have a second chance, but a second chance only works when you accept that the first chance is dead and gone and you are willing to work on something new based on the lessons learned and changes made as a result of those learning those painful lessons.

 

He needs 'space' - to the point of being mean about it. So, give him that space. Don't call him. Don't 'drop by'. Don't go places where you think you might see him. Don't email him. Don't txt him. Don't send your friends around to check up on him. In other words, don't center your life around someone who has broken up with you in hopes that he'll come back. That's the very thing that will prevent him from coming back. When a guy breaks up, he doesn't want to go back to a relationship he got himself out of with a person he has had to be mean to in order to get her to leave him alone.

 

You'll have to pull back, and do what you need to do to get over him. Try to put your heart back together. Once you are back on your feet, and feeling less vulnerable - then you can decide what to say if he calls you.

[krunchers]

Your situation is very similar to mine, except mine is seeing someone else. See we were married for 4 years. Things had happened why we separated. We did still spend lots of together. Till one day things changed. No phone calles, no emails and not asking me to come over. I started freaking out. She did though mention that she had put herself out on the personals. She said she just wanted to meet new people. Till this person and her connected. I was very hurt. I too went over to her house and was psychotic. I called all the time. she told me she wanted space and didn't want me back because i was acting crazy. well what was I suppose to do. 3 weeks had gone by the one day I had received an email from her saying she wanted her girlscout cookies she had ordered. Well we met at a resturaunt and I had a very good evening. She doesn't know what she is going to do with the other relationship and that's something she needs to figure out. Believe me I'm not very happy about that. She has noticed changes in me and she likes them. I try not to show her any emotions. Specially about the other person. I would just like the other person to just step back. I love my ex very much. I am trying to hold on. I just dont know how long I can though. I do wonder if they will come back. So what you need to do is just sit back and wait. He is going through some stuff and he needs to figure out what he wants to do in his life. Believe me he's thinking about you. I didnt think my ex was thinking about me at all. Now look it. We talk almost everyday and See each other maybe 2-3 times a week. I dont pressure about the other situation. That pushes them away. I pray every night that things would change. Good Luck

[xymox]

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Thanks for your responses. Well It's been about 6 days since I last called him and he sent me a message before saying to not think about it too much but he hopes i'm ok and doing well. I didn't respond but now I'm not sure what to think. Does it sound like there's some hope? He wanted me to leave him alone and for him to send that he had to have been thinking about me right? I'm going to continue to not call him but should I see if he tries to contact me again since he'll see that I didn't reply back to his message? Does it seem like he still cares about me?[/color]

[mixwell]

Of course he does. She if you just stop contacting him then he will call you. It is ok to answer only if he calls you, but just keep it short and be happy about it. dont bring up relationship talk and try to be the first to end the call. He wants YOU to not contact him so that is what you will do.. So next time he calls you can answer if you want to.

 

Take care

[xymox]

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I was doing pretty good with not calling him but then he went and sent that text message when he saw I wasn't calling I guess. That kinda got my hopes up and I did end up replying. I said that I am doing better than last time I talked to him and I'm learning alot about myself. I ended with nice hearing from you though. Then I was gonna keep up with NC but the next day would have been our anniversary..we used to celebrate month anniversaries. I know we're not exactly together but I felt like since he bothered to see if I'm ok maybe I should see if he'll be nice if i try to say something to him. I sent a text telling him I still love him and he wrote back "still love you too" so everything was good I was feeling better. Then stupidly I went and sent another today that asked him if he wanted to see me cuz i'm going on vacation for a few days. Not a long time but I just thought it would be nice to see each other and I mentioned that I miss him but I don't wanna push him. He wrote back "then stop, ur pushing already" Now i'm depressed again but I know I'll live. I don't know if theres any hope though. I mean I guess if he really didnt care he wouldn't have told me he loved me still and he could have just said theres no chance instead of saying to stop pushing right? So now I am going back to no contact until at least the end of the month.

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[xymox]

Well I went a few days of not talking to him because I didn't want to push him away anymore and he ended up contacting me again. This is the second time since we broke up that he contacted me after seeing I wasnt trying to talk to him. He texted first but I didnt answer and then called my cell but I still didnt answer. He then called my house which for him to do that I thought it may be important. When we were talking it was weird but nice. We spoke friendly to each other and he sounded really upset, kept saying he misses me and loves me and this and that. I admitted I still love him and everything too. Then he said he had to tell me things that were bothering him but he didn't know if he should and asked if I would rather him do it over the phone or in person so I said in person. I have waited a month to be able to have this opportunity to show him how much I've changed.

 

We ended up talking for a while and it felt good, we got along really well. He mentioned that he asked for this break to try working on things in his life but at some point during this time away from each other he had been hanging out with this girl who he knew from a long time ago. I know of her, I have met her before while I was still with him. Anyway he said nothing happened between them and they were friends but she helped him out because he has a drinking problem and they had similar situations where she has an ex she still loved and same with him for me. I was hurt by that but figured since they didnt hook up or anything maybe I could get past it. I honestly believe he was telling me the truth when he said nothing did happen between them. I was suprised he even admitted to hanging out with a girl. He said while hanging out with her he was realizing that he was still in love with me and that he had made mistakes in the past. He didnt want to throw away 2 years. We are still not together because we both still have things to work on before we can get to that point again. Basically we had a good night, although I did end up sleeping with him which maybe was not a good idea but it just felt right. I dont think it hurt the situation in any way. Before he didnt even want to talk to me and now he said we can talk more just take it slow and let things happen naturally. Im still kinda confused about what is going to happen but I just really hope we do end up back together soon.

 

Does it seem like there is some hope now because he came to me when he saw I kinda backed off? Things went really well I have to say and I just want to do whatever it takes to make him truly want to be with me. We both still have feelings there, I mean he seemed pretty sincere when he said he misses me. He kept saying it a bunch of times and said that even if things dont end up working out he will always love me and be there for me. He acted like the person I originally fell in love with..I just want to make sure this is real. The only thing is he still wants to wait on actually being together because he said alot has been going on with him lately and he said all we have is time..I guess meaning for me to not give up but I dont wanna push anything either. Should I try calling him sometimes now or should I continue to wait for him to contact me eventhough he said I could call him if I want to talk? I am not necessarily waiting around for him but I just dont want to do anything to mess this situation up into where he decides that it really is over.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Before he didnt even want to talk to me and now he said we can talk more just take it slow and let things happen naturally.

 

"take it slow" = minimum commitment - the less like a 'relationship', the better

"let things happen naturally" = he wants to be able to sleep with you when the opportunity arises, and has no intention of letting a relationship disrupt that 'natural' process

 

Be cautious. VERY cautious. He may have told you a 'truth' about this girl, but often the 'truth' you hear is only a hundredth of what actually happened, especially if the person who is telling you knows he'll lose you if he tells you the whole truth. You would do well to find out the whole story. You may have to do some asking around to find out for yourself.

 

He gave you the impression that it was ok to call, so by all means call and stop by to see him. If you get the cold shoulder, or rude impatient behavior even ONCE, or find out that he is in fact dating/sleeping with this other girl - then go back to a full out 'no contact' so that you can start the process of getting over him again.

[Honeychild]

Sorry to hear your going through this... The last 3 months I went through something like your situation, so I'll try to see if I can shed some light on the situation.

 

My situation is similar except I was the one that broke off the relationship. My BF moved in with me and we lived together about a year, he had 2 kids, and I have 2. Things were fine in the beginning, but progressively things got bad his ex wife got extremely jealous started trying to sabotage the relationship, his kids started to lie, it just went bad, he didn't want it to end but I knew I could not live like this for the rest of my life, and have my kids live like that either. So... after a situation in Jan. I told him to pack his stuff and find somewhere else to live.

 

I truly loved this man, so deciding to end the relationship was so hard for me, but I knew because of his situation it could never work, and I didn't want to live with his ex wife trying to run our lives forever, no way, no how.

 

He wouldn't let go, he kept phoning, making excuses why he'd have to come over (pick something up he'd forgotten), to this day he still has some furniture in my place. He kept asking me to lunch and I told him that he needed to not phone me anymore as I needed to move on with my life and I couldn't do that as long as he was still contacting me as it was so painful to talk to him. This went on till last week. 2 1/2 months. He phoned me last week and was saying why won't you fight for us, and I told him there is nothing to fight for, this is finished, as painful as it is, it will never work. (I had told him this all along because I didn't want to string him along). I told him too much damage has been done and if he ever loved me please respect the fact that I can't talk to you, can't be friends with you, it's too hard. He told me last week that, that would be the last time he contacts me but he would like it if I could phone him once in a while.

 

I know it's hard to love someone and not have contact with them, but I think you need to just step back and stop the contact and focus on yourself, enjoy the freedom for now, it will get easier... Who knows maybe he will come around and realize that he does want to be with you, but for now he obviously needs his space to figure things out.

[Velveteel]

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with the poster who told you to be cautious, VERY cautious. It's nice (sort of) that he spent time with another girl and then decided he missed you. But a man who wants to win you back, who feels the fire of love, will be calling you and texting you and making plans around you, not telling you he wants things to develop slowly and naturally. He's still making the rules here, and they are rules that KEEP YOU AT A DISTANCE. Except, of course, when we wants to have sex with you.

 

Your previous behavior of calling too much, etc., was annoying to him, and once you knocked it off, he could remember all the things that are wonderful about you. You've learned a powerful lesson about give and take. You took away, and he moved forward. But if his ideal new relationship with you is one in which you have to watch yourself constantly to prevent showing too much need, it won't be very fun at all. You're both young, and maybe you do need to learn not to overwhelm your partner with calls and texts, but I am highly suspicious about a guy who disappears, and is mean to you to get you to go away, but then wants to set the relationship back up on his own terms.

 

You deserve to be involved with someone who can't wait to hear from you. Just think it over; maybe it will help you seek a power balance in this relationship, rather than just hanging around hoping he'll want you.

 

Good luck!

[xymox]

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Thank you all for your advice. I saw him again the other night. I haven't been calling him much really. He actually called me telling me he wanted to see me. The way its been going is we will talk every couple of days to see how things are with each other. When I do call him he is nice, totally the opposite of how he was for most of this month. Its like slowly he is acting like the person I once knew. I guess it really took me to not call him for him to miss me. I have to admit during alot of our relationship we fought over stupid things..some my fault and some him so in a way I do understand him wanting to work on the friendship.

 

I told him I am willing to work on it and he said he appreciates it because its what he needs right now. I asked if he thinks we will get back together eventually and he said "why do you think i've been trying to see u?" So time will tell. He said if we are meant to be together we will be again but we have things to work on. I think he might still be hanging out with that girl sometimes but I honestly doubt anything will come of that. She is younger than him and I just dont think she could accept him like I have. He said they are friends and she does know about our situation. He knows how I feel for him and he knows I have always been there. I said I am not giving up on him yet and he said I am the only person who hasnt.

 

I have been going out with my friends and stuff so I am still giving him time to figure things out and I am trying to take care of myself in the meantime. I want to be with him but I like how it is going with us now too. I just hope that once we both do what we need to do that we can try being together again, even if it takes a while. Im not really waiting around for him but I do still have hope. I mean I will continue to have hope no matter what.

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[xymox]

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I'm not sure if I mentioned this at all but he has a drinking problem. Hes only 20 but he has the signs of an alcoholic. That is what started him and that girl talking again. See he knew her from a long time ago but I guess they stopped talking for a while. I have seen her before but its been a while since I heard about her. He used to hangout with her and her bf at the time. She used to have him get her liquor, she is underage. He is too but in this one store he knows the owner so he is allowed to get liquor there. From what he told me, that girl tried making him stop and for a while he did but now he is really bad with it. Its like she was making his life better by getting him to stop. I told him the other night I am always here for him and he said it meant alot to him. So what Im also doing is trying to show him that I can try to help him with his problem but its hard because I dont have any experience dealing with this kind of person really. He has always been a heavy drinker but it never really seemed to get too out of hand. I dont know if this information changes the situation any.

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[xymox]

I decided that it is probably better if we stop doing the FWB thing. He claims he is still in love with me and everything but yet he cant be with me right now because of things going on in his life. He even said it hurts to be with me but not actually be together. I tried talking to him last night because there was something that was bothering and he said he would call me back but didn't. Up until now he has talked to me when I've called so I was thinking maybe I've been calling more than I should be. I left him a voicemail saying that I feel like part of the reason he isnt with me is because he is seeing how things go with that other girl (eventhough they are not going out they still hangout alot) and that it isn't fair to me and I explained how I still love him and everything but I feel like I'm being used in a way because he still was trying to sleep with me when he came over. I hope what I said doesn't come out the wrong way but I told him I'm just really confused by what he has been saying to me and everything and that I have this hope we will get back together which isn't good for me. Finally I ended with saying that from this point on I am moving on. I dont want it to be like that but I dont think I have any other options left. Yea I could have tried being his friend but I cant deal with him talking to another girl all the time so thats why I needed to stop this.

 

I guess he does care about me because he was the one who came back to me when I stopped calling originally. The reason I even started talking to him again was because he made it seem like he was willing to work on things with us. I think he feels like he needs to keep me there just incase things dont go the way he wants. He said he likes the security of me..well I am planning on doing NC again. I feel like I am back at square one. I am hoping that when he sees I am not talking to him again that he will only contact me when he realizes things. I feel this is the only way to make him realize that he won't find better..like the saying "you dont truly know what you have until its gone". He said to me at one point that he knows if I was with someone else he would want me back. So I'll see what happens, if he does contact me again at some point I am gonna tell him that I've been talking to a couple of people..nothing serious though and see how he reacts. Sometimes I feel like I should have never answered the phone that day he first called me because that way I wouldnt feel like this now. I mean throughout this whole week I have been talking to him again it did feel good to have him there but meanwhile he was telling me all these things I wanted to hear and making me hold on even more.

 

Did I do the right thing by leaving him that voicemail? I just dont want to totally lose him from my life but I need something to make him realize what he has with me.

[xymox]

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Me and him are friends and everything, but I'm not sure if it is a good idea to stay his friend. The thing is when I did go without talking to him it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do and when he came back it made me realize I don't want to go without talking to him. I really feel like I need him. I mean i go about my day and everything without him but if he ever really was out of my life I would feel horrible. I hate feeling like this especially since he dumped me but I do know that he wants me in his life. He keeps telling me the same things when I mention the relationship, he cant give me what I need right now..he is so busy with work and other things (i know he isnt lying about work)..if its meant to be it will, and that I should take care of myself right now and do the things I need to do to get my life together. I currently don't have a job so I think that could be a part of it too because he works all the time and I have so much free time. But he always adds that he still loves me, has even said he is still in love with me.

 

I have been going out every weekend, sometimes in the week too and I have met people but I compare everyone to him. I even had some guys hitting on me last night and I wanted so bad to be able to say I have a bf. When will I ever get over hoping he will come back? I believe he might but I do want to be able to give someone else a chance if the opportunity comes up just to see if I am capable of being with someone else. Then again I am scared that if I ever am with someone else and I told him, he would decide to not be with me at all. I doubt he would really do that but I just dont want to do anything to lose him for good. I find myself always wanting to call him just to talk or see what he's doing. I have been initiating contact recently and he doesnt get annoyed or anything so I guess thats good. I am just so confused, I love him so much and want to be with him again so bad..What else can I do to make him realize he should be with me?

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[BrotherAaron]

Originally posted by xymox

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I am just so confused, I love him so much and want to be with him again so bad..What else can I do to make him realize he should be with me?

[/color]

 

You need to stop letting him make all of your decisions for you. I highly recommend casual dating for the time being to

 

a) help get your mind off of him, and

b) make him realize that he's in jeapordy of losing you by playing these games

 

He seems not to know what kind of commitment he wants from you, and as long as you're giving him enough to make him feel good, he won't want to be more serious with you. Right now, he has no obligation to you, because he flat-out refuses to date you, but can keep you around by saying that he'll take you back "someday". If you accept this and continue to see him without commitment, then you will be telling him that you're ok with it. You need to start enforcing your needs here so that he sees that you wont be treated like that.

 

Start distancing yourself from him... communicate with your actions, not your words. Make weekend plans with other guys so that you are conspicuously absent on times when he would have otherwise seen you. Don't bring up the increased amount of distance between you guys - and don't tell him that you're spending time away from him. Let him notice it and mention it, and then shrug it off. If he gets confrontational about you not giving him enough attention, be very upfront with him and tell him that he can have all of the atttention he wants if he wants to be your boyfriend... but until then, you're seeing other people and moving forward with your life because you can't be stuck in limbo any longer. After giving him this, end the conversation with him, and make him call you - if he never does, then he was never going to give you what you wanted anyway, and you're better off leaving it at that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

He is treating you this way because you are letting him. You are willingly putting yourself under his feet, and he is wiping his feet off on you. You are allowing this to happen, because no matter how unhappy this makes you, no matter how lonely and hurt you feel - you are setting your feelings aside just to get that rush of an empty "I love you" from someone who will never give you the relationship you want as long as you continue to allow yourself to fulfill his extremely meager needs for you, with no concern for your own needs.

 

He won't change. Why would he? He's getting everything he wants from you right now. What possible motivation would he have to trade that in for a committed relationship with you that he doesn't want? You are letting him have the relationship he wants, so he will continue to enjoy it.

 

You, on the other hand will continue to enjoy the gift of a broken heart that he repeatedly hands to you even as he continues to tell you that he loves you.

[xymox]

[color=#dd44ff]I just thought I would give an update on the situation.

 

For about the past month me and my ex have been friends, ever since he decided he wanted to stay in my life. We have been getting along, and talk at least once or twice every week. I have been trying to improve my life and he knows it. I am one step closer to completing something that was one of the things he wanted me to work on. He was happy for me when I told him. I try often to remind him I still want to be with him and he has been saying that he has way too much going on in his life right now, working being the main thing. I am pretty sure he isnt with anyone else at the moment. He tells me he wants me to do whatever I need to do to get my life in order and he is doing the same. He honestly does not seem to have time for a relationship.

 

Everytime I talk to him about things going on in my life, he tries to help me. I even told him that I have been going out every weekend and there have been guys who I felt had an interest in me but I did not feel the same for them. He tried giving me advice and he said right now his life sucks. I don't know all the details because I dont talk to him on a daily basis anymore. I know he still cares about me but this is getting so hard to just be his friend. I learned that I do need him in my life though, even if I have to settle for that. He was a huge part of my life and I can't give that up.

 

I just want to do whatever it takes to bring him back to me. I am waiting a bit longer, I really don't want to accept that we are totally over. We have broken up before and got back together. The difference now is that he is more on his own than the previous times. When he lived with his mom his life was easier, now he has the responsibility of doing everything for himself. I wont even let myself give anyone else a chance. Time is supposed to make things better but it doesnt seem to be helping too much. I just cant see myself being with anyone else ever again. I love my ex more than anything and I just don't know how to deal with this anymore. I miss everything about him, and I do know that he still loves me. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

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