2yr GF Just Ended It, and I Don't Understand It

[WhiteKnighter]

I will try and keep this short and sweet.

 

I am a 30 year old man, whose also 30 year old (now ex) girlfriend just left him last night. The reason for this post is that, after hearing her reasoning, I am no closer to understanding the 'why' or feeling confident that she even does. I am also not sure how to handle my relationship with her now, if we end up having one at all. In truth, I don't know if it's even what she wants or not...

 

When she arrived yesterday, we promptly went up to my room, and she immediately sat down and gave me her news. Her reasoning: she knows that she has been emotionally and physically not receptive to me lately, and it has caused her to feel guilty. That is to say, on an intimate level (basically, she's been acting 'frigid'). She went on to explain that she feels I give way more than she does/can, and that she doesn't think it is fair to me.

 

NOTE: It is true, what she said... we had not been terribly close in these ways for a while, but she'd always told me that she gets stressed out, and when this happens she just needs space and time... so I tried to be a good person and respect her wishes.

 

The conversation continued, I expressed my confusion, failed to maintain composure and cried (as did she), and that was all I was able to gather in terms of her motivation. This is where I am stuck... The only other significant piece I gathered from her is that she felt that eventually I would end it anyway, because I'd realize that she didn't treat me well.

 

I can understand people breaking up because they fall out of love, have different goals, abuse, cheating, just don't WANT to be together, but her reasoning I simply cannot process.

 

Before she left, she comes down to my level (I sat on the floor), hugs me, and tells me she does love me. Then leaves...

 

I feel like she's making a decision FOR me... it's like she's saying, "I know how bad I am for you, but you don't, so i'm doing this FOR you". Like I said, I can understand reasons for breaking up, but this one I just don't get. I even said to her, "If you are leaving, it needs to be for you, not because you think it's best for me".

 

When she arrived back to her place, she texted me saying "I got home. Let me know if you want to talk more this weekend". I did not respond as I was too emotional..

 

Then, this morning, she sent another text at 8am, saying "I hope you are OK. I would like to see you again soon, if you are willing". It took me a while to say anything back, and I responded only with "Okay". I didn't know what else to say.

 

She then responds by saying to me, "Please don't be mad. I really have no idea what I'm doing here, but I don't want you to disappear". To that, I simply responded telling her I was hurt, and confused, but that I'm not mad. I then explained that I know she's just doing what she thinks it right, and that if she's going to be happy this way, I will be happy for her.

 

What can, or should, I do? To be honest, I just don't know what she's thinking. She didn't even say she didn't want to be with me, she just said she thinks it's right because she doesn't understand her actions... Then, asks me if she can see me soon... and everything else..

 

I'm really, really hurting right now and the uncertainty is making it worse.

 

How can I handle this?

[Jimmyjackson]

You say you understand when people break up for falling out of love, this woman has simply experienced this with you.

 

It sucks but it sounds as if her head just isn't in it anymore, go NC and focus on yourself, if she wants to come back to you it's your best bet.

[stillafool]

Since she's the one who broke up with you don't see her now. For what? She's not going to change her mind about the break up and you don't need her holding your hand while you go through it. Just block her and don't respond. She wanted this so this is how it's going to be. Don't let her control you. Also when someone breaks up with you for no good reason there is probably someone else on her radar.

[WhiteKnighter]

Jimmy, she outright told me she is still in love with me, and that her decision does not reflect lack of feelings. Do you mean she is lying?

[Jimmyjackson]

Jimmy, she outright told me she is still in love with me, and that her decision does not reflect lack of feelings. Do you mean she is lying?

 

Yes she is lying. She loves you but she isn't IN love with you. If someone is in love with you do they break up ? no of course not.

 

When my ex broke up with me she told me I was amazing, she knows she'd never find better etc, yet she still breaks up with me. It's all classic stuff the dumper tells the dumpee.

[mightycpa]

Well, you don't want to hear this, but you're half right. She does not know why, but she doesn't love you anymore. What she feels right now is sentimentality and guilt, and she's perplexed by why that is. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt you all at once. But she has embarked on a path that has few, if any U-Turns. Typically, this is a one-way street.

 

What should you do? You should disappear, despite what "she wants". The reason for that is because if you don't disappear first, she will. It is just a matter of time. Her wants are no longer your concern.

 

Say goodbye. It doesn't have to be ugly or angry, but it would also be a good idea to ask her to leave you alone. The last thing you need is this uncertainty, and one of the things that feeds that uncertainty is repeated "platonic concern" contact.

 

You have to reclaim yourself, because right now, you think you are hers. You are not hers. you belong to you.

[WhiteKnighter]

Yes she is lying. She loves you but she isn't IN love with you. If someone is in love with you do they break up ? no of course not.

 

When my ex broke up with me she told me I was amazing, she knows she'd never find better etc, yet she still breaks up with me. It's all classic stuff the dumper tells the dumpee.

 

To be honest, I don't have a lot of relationship experience, but when I cut it off with my long-term ex, I had a VERY concrete reason, and I was 100% sure of it. Maybe that's why I am confused.

 

I fell out of love, we had totally different goals in life... totally incompatible. I don't think i'd ever break up with someone for the reasons my girlfriend just gave me, or until I was able to actually verbalize them as "I am not in love with you".

 

Well, you don't want to hear this, but you're half right. She does not know why, but she doesn't love you anymore. What she feels right now is sentimentality and guilt, and she's perplexed by why that is. Maybe she doesn't want to hurt you all at once. But she has embarked on a path that has few, if any U-Turns. Typically, this is a one-way street.

 

What should you do? You should disappear, despite what "she wants". The reason for that is because if you don't disappear first, she will. It is just a matter of time. Her wants are no longer your concern.

 

Say goodbye. It doesn't have to be ugly or angry, but it would also be a good idea to ask her to leave you alone. The last thing you need is this uncertainty, and one of the things that feeds that uncertainty is repeated "platonic concern" contact.

 

You have to reclaim yourself, because right now, you think you are hers. You are not hers. you belong to you.

 

Interesting thoughts on the sentimentality and guilt. I guess I am still confused on why people make decisions they can't even explain the reason for... I personally couldn't live like that.

[Diezel]

She went on to explain that she feels I give way more than she does/can, and that she doesn't think it is fair to me.

 

She found someone else.

 

This is where I am stuck... The only other significant piece I gathered from her is that she felt that eventually I would end it anyway, because I'd realize that she didn't treat me well.

 

She wants to treat the new guy better than she's treating you.

 

I can understand people breaking up because they fall out of love, have different goals, abuse, cheating, just don't WANT to be together, but her reasoning I simply cannot process.

 

Because she's not telling you her real reason.

 

Before she left, she comes down to my level (I sat on the floor), hugs me, and tells me she does love me. Then leaves...

 

If she loved you, she wouldn't be breaking up with you. She's lying.

 

I even said to her, "If you are leaving, it needs to be for you, not because you think it's best for me".

 

She IS leaving for her, but she's using YOU as an excuse so that she doesn't feel guilty about it and because she thinks you'll be okay with this reason instead. This isn't about YOU, it's ALL about HER.

 

When she arrived back to her place, she texted me saying "I got home. Let me know if you want to talk more this weekend". I did not respond as I was too emotional..

 

Dumper trying to shift her guilt.

 

Then, this morning, she sent another text at 8am, saying "I hope you are OK. I would like to see you again soon, if you are willing". It took me a while to say anything back, and I responded only with "Okay". I didn't know what else to say.

 

Next time, say NO.

 

She then responds by saying to me, "Please don't be mad. I really have no idea what I'm doing here, but I don't want you to disappear".

 

Translation: If things with new guy don't work out, I want the possibility of coming back to you to exist.

 

Here is how you handle it... STOP TALKING TO HER.

She's selfish. Block her number. Move on.

[WhiteKnighter]

Text

 

So, basically you're saying the only reason someone breaks up with anyone is because they find someone else? Hmmmm

[elaine567]

She will have been feeling this way for a while hence the pulling back. She will have a fair idea, exactly why, but probably doesn't want to get into the nitty-gritty of her reasoning.

It may be that she may not see you as marriage material, so no point in continuing any longer.

She may have become irritated by things you do or say, she may no longer find you physically attractive. She may just want to be free for a while, she may want to concentrate on her career, go travelling, spend time with her friends. She have another man in her sights or she may just want to look around and see what is out there, she may have had an offer she may want to pursue.

All this she may not want to particularly discuss with you, as it could hurt you more, and she is not open for negotiation either, so she keeps her reasons nebulous.

She doesn't hate you, so she wants to remain friends to assuage her guilt and make sure you don't hate her and because she has grown accustomed to having you around. She gets the best of both worlds in her mind, she finishes with you, but gets to keep you as a friend.

She will be very upset too, break ups are hard for both sides, but she will be adamant that she did the right thing here, so do not see her wishing to remain friends as a indication of her wanting you back.

 

To protect your own heart, you need to go NC, otherwise that wound may take a long long time to heal.

[elaine567]

So, basically you're saying the only reason someone breaks up with anyone is because they find someone else? Hmmmm

 

I have had break ups that I initiated and no other man was on the scene at the time. I think it is pretty cynical and disrespectful to many women, to assume women always break up because they are cheating or have other men hanging about.

[WhiteKnighter]

I have had break ups that I initiated and no other man was on the scene at the time. I think it is pretty cynical and disrespectful to many women, to assume women always break up because they are cheating or have other men hanging about.

 

I tend to agree... though I am a guy, I've never broken up with someone because I had someone on the side...

[AIJ]

I have had break ups that I initiated and no other man was on the scene at the time. I think it is pretty cynical and disrespectful to many women, to assume women always break up because they are cheating or have other men hanging about.

 

But it is often the case, as has been seen time and time again on here. Happened to me, happened to countless others. I know it's not ALWAYS the reason, however it does seem as though a female will wait until she knows she has someone waiting for her as soon as she leaves. Worst part is, I saw it coming and just sat there and waited for it to happen. Silly me

[mightycpa]

I guess I am still confused on why people make decisions they can't even explain the reason for... I personally couldn't live like that.

I think the fact that she cried about it tells us that she did you a favor. Had she processed this alone while staying with you, eventually she would have come to the same conclusion AND known why. Then she would have broken up with you, but there would have been no crying, no remorse, no saying she still loves you. Instead, it would have been cold and heartless and it would have come out of nowhere as far as you were concerned. She would have seemed like a different person to you.

 

This way, instead of you being the only one going through the pain of this, both of you are doing it at the same time, even if you're not exactly doing it together. Believe it or not, this is much less painful for you than suddenly learning that she simply doesn't care and has moved on a long time ago. This thinking you can't live with has probably saved you a world of hurt.

 

That said, this is just a matter of timing. You guys are headed to the finish line and she's got a head start. You need to adopt the strategies that will get you there as quickly as possible.

 

In that vein, "WHY" doesn't matter, does it? What if she told you it was because she saw a psychic who told her this is what she should do? Would that make you feel better? Wouldn't you judge that as stupid? What if she told you she's just sick of being around you? Wouldn't you judge that as hurtful? My point is that her reasons don't have to satisfy you. They only have to satisfy her, and if her reason is because the sky is blue, then you'd better stop judging and start accepting. The best way to do that is to look forward instead of backward. You can't change the past, and you can't change someone's mind or heart. You're going to have enough trouble managing your own feelings, so why take hers on as a project?

 

You've got plenty of work to do on your own. Time to get started.

[Nolan 93]

Most likely there is another person. I have just had this happened to me back in novemebrr. There was really no reason to break up, only because her ex came back in the picture and you know what she left because of that.

 

No Intellegant girl or woman leaves a guy which they claim to be the "best man or boyfriend" they ever dated. Trust me she saying these words to soothe the pain and it's working it looks like.

 

You know what if you were a good boyfriend let her go and let her realize down the road what she lost. That's all we can do, there is no need to chase or fight for someone who already checked out. Trust me I know the pain and honestly you will have your ups and downs but she will live her life and you will live your life.

[WhiteKnighter]

I think the fact that she cried about it tells us that she did you a favor. Had she processed this alone while staying with you, eventually she would have come to the same conclusion AND known why. Then she would have broken up with you, but there would have been no crying, no remorse, no saying she still loves you. Instead, it would have been cold and heartless and it would have come out of nowhere as far as you were concerned. She would have seemed like a different person to you.

 

This way, instead of you being the only one going through the pain of this, both of you are doing it at the same time, even if you're not exactly doing it together. Believe it or not, this is much less painful for you than suddenly learning that she simply doesn't care and has moved on a long time ago. This thinking you can't live with has probably saved you a world of hurt.

 

That said, this is just a matter of timing. You guys are headed to the finish line and she's got a head start. You need to adopt the strategies that will get you there as quickly as possible.

 

In that vein, "WHY" doesn't matter, does it? What if she told you it was because she saw a psychic who told her this is what she should do? Would that make you feel better? Wouldn't you judge that as stupid? What if she told you she's just sick of being around you? Wouldn't you judge that as hurtful? My point is that her reasons don't have to satisfy you. They only have to satisfy her, and if her reason is because the sky is blue, then you'd better stop judging and start accepting. The best way to do that is to look forward instead of backward. You can't change the past, and you can't change someone's mind or heart. You're going to have enough trouble managing your own feelings, so why take hers on as a project?

 

You've got plenty of work to do on your own. Time to get started.

 

Barring some ridiculous reason such as "a psychic told me to", yes I prefer a concrete reason why... of course I would!

 

If she had told me that she just isn't in love with me, that she doesn't see herself settling down with me, that she just doesn't find me attractive and can't get over it, THOSE ARE REASONS I UNDERSTAND... of course it would hurt, but it's an actual reason with some logic behind it.

 

This is like someone saying, "you know, I'm going to quit my job... because honestly, I feel guilty working not-so-hard and getting paid really well. My job is great, don't get me wrong, and the money is sweet, but I just think my boss deserves better.... even though my boss is totally happy with me."

[mightycpa]

I know what you prefer. People in hell prefer ice water, but they don't get it either.

 

That's not really the issue you're grappling with. It is a symptom of the issue. Keep repeating this until the meaning sinks in:

her reasons don't have to satisfy you. They only have to satisfy her

Once you grasp this truth, you'll be able to let it go.

[Diezel]

So, basically you're saying the only reason someone breaks up with anyone is because they find someone else? Hmmmm

 

Not what I said...

 

I said the reason SHE broke up with YOU is because of someone else.

[frigginlost]

I'm going to lean in the direction of another person is involved.

 

While it is true that not every breakup is caused by another person, the amount of guilt she is trying to shed leads me to believe another guy has her interest.

 

There is too much gray regarding her reasoning for me to think otherwise...

 

Regardless of the reasoning, it is time for you to worry only about you. You will not find out the true reason right now (maybe never) anyway.

Edited March 18, 2015 by frigginlost

[Price2Play]

Diezel & Mighty pretty much hit the nail on the head. Her reasonings sound pretty legit to me. Sounds like she was way to high on that pedstal and the whole fridig deal and needing space. Yeah dead giveaway, red-flags!

 

She's gone over this in her head 100x already bro, hate to break it to you.

 

You NEED to disappear and heal for yourself and the only way to do that is through NC. Collect any belongs you may have at her place and anything of hers collect it all and get it over and done with.

 

Believe us on here, she pretty much gave you all the closure you need. You need to move and GO GHOST, it will tear you up if you stick around and find out she's "hanging out" with a male friend.

[WhiteKnighter]

Geezuz... she just sent me a picture of the dog we raised together on her bed, staring doughy-eyed at the camera... what the ***...

Edited March 19, 2015 by WhiteKnighter

[WhiteKnighter]

Should I just ignore it? Why the hell would she send this stuff?

[Diezel]

Should I just ignore it? Why the hell would she send this stuff?

 

Apparently you didn't read my first post and ABSORB it.

 

(1) Block her. ON EVERYTHING.

(2) She is sending it to keep you on a string, so just in case it doesn't work out with the other guy she is probably banging, she knows she can come back to you.

 

THAT'S IT. NO OTHER REASON.

 

Do yourself a favor and again BLOCK HER NUMBER. Or change yours. Whatever. Just no more communication between you two.

[OneBigIdgit]

ouch! that's low down mean to bring the 'family' pet into this. That might be an all-time new low right there.

[WhiteKnighter]

ouch! that's low down mean to bring the 'family' pet into this. That might be an all-time new low right there.

 

Yeah, I couldn't believe it. Her previous message, to which I didn't reply was, "Well, you will see him again", 'him' being the dog.

 

Then many hours later, she sent the photograph.