2yr GF Just Ended It, and I Don't Understand It

[BC1980]

I don't think i'd ever break up with someone for the reasons my girlfriend just gave me, or until I was able to actually verbalize them as "I am not in love with you".

 

But that doesn't mean that she would handle the situation the same way. So it's irrelevant how you, me, or anyone else would handle the situation. The only thing of any relevance is how she handled the situation. You can never assume that anyone will deal with a situation the same way as you would. I'm in the same boat as you. Historically, I've been very blunt with people I've dated. But with my last relationship, I've realized that there are a lot of people out there who possibly aren't self-aware enough to realize how they feel.

 

It's extremely rare to get a concrete reason that you understand or are willing to accept. Since you love her, you can't understand a reason like "I can't give you what you need, and it's unfair." In your mind, you would fight to fix that reason. She doesn't want to fight to fix it because she doesn't love you the same way. She might not realize or might be unable to verbalize it at this point, but that is what has happened. I don't think she is lying when she says she loves you, but I don't think she is IN love with you anymore. She's trying to come up with some kind of reason to justify why she is leaving, and the line she gave you is the oldest one in the book. It means nothing, and it's silly to say. But it's one of those lines that we've all heard in a movie or read in a book. I think that people who aren't self-aware enough mimic those type of things. Possibly. Maybe. . . .

Edited March 19, 2015 by BC1980

[WhiteKnighter]

But that doesn't mean that she would handle the situation the same way. So it's irrelevant how you, me, or anyone else would handle the situation. The only thing of any relevance is how she handled the situation. You can never assume that anyone will deal with a situation the same way as you would. I'm in the same boat as you. Historically, I've been very blunt with people I've dated. But with my last relationship, I've realized that there are a lot of people out there who possibly aren't self-aware enough to realize how they feel.

 

It's extremely rare to get a concrete reason that you understand or are willing to accept. Since you love her, you can't understand a reason like "I can't give you what you need, and it's unfair." In your mind, you would fight to fix that reason. She doesn't want to fight to fix it because she doesn't love you the same way. She might not realize or might be unable to verbalize it at this point, but that is what has happened. I don't think she is lying when she says she loves you, but I don't think she is IN love with you anymore. She's trying to come up with some kind of reason to justify why she is leaving, and the line she gave you is the oldest one in the book. It means nothing, and it's silly to say. But it's one of those lines that we've all heard in a movie or read in a book. I think that people who aren't self-aware enough mimic those type of things. Possibly. Maybe. . . .

 

The statement "I can't give you what you want, and it's unfair" assumes she knows what I want. Her guilt was based on the assumption that I was unhappy, UNLESS she was lying.

[Jimmyjackson]

The statement "I can't give you what you want, and it's unfair" assumes she knows what I want. Her guilt was based on the assumption that I was unhappy, UNLESS she was lying.

 

"I can't give you what you want, and it's unfair" = I'm not interested anymore, and it's not fair on you to be in a relationship with someone who no longer wants to be in it.

[elaine567]

I guess she feels sorry for you re the dog, and if the circumstances were interchanged she would still want to see the dog you raised together, so because she has the dog, she is giving you that opportunity.

[darkmoon]

i think she has secretly been influenced by something prolly on-line, and wants to be freer than having a boyf, the sent dog pic is the clue that she wants a connection, but leave it, if she is doing your head in, or just send a smiley, no convo

Edited March 20, 2015 by darkmoon

[WhiteKnighter]

****ty thing is, i might NEED to ask her to send me money that I paid for a vet bill... the insurance is under her name, but i'm submitting the claim and it's going to go to her address. It's like 500 bucks... not sure how to get around that.

[BC1980]

The statement "I can't give you what you want, and it's unfair" assumes she knows what I want. Her guilt was based on the assumption that I was unhappy, UNLESS she was lying.

 

She doesn't know what you want, but she knows what she wants. Don't read too deeply into her reasons. In her way, she's trying to be kind about the breakup. She doesn't want to have to tell you to your face that she's not into it anymore. I promise you that she isn't overly concerned with your happiness. The decision was based on what will make her happy. Just let it go before you wind up even more hurt.

[darkmoon]

****ty thing is, i might NEED to ask her to send me money that I paid for a vet bill... the insurance is under her name, but i'm submitting the claim and it's going to go to her address. It's like 500 bucks... not sure how to get around that.

 

just text her, no frills, just a text as if you were texting a neighbour

 

i would like the howmuch money for the vet bill, by date you know she gets paid < that is all you have to say, blunt

[mightycpa]

The statement "I can't give you what you want, and it's unfair" assumes she knows what I want. Her guilt was based on the assumption that I was unhappy, UNLESS she was lying.

We all know what you want. How could she not?

 

 

• You want an explanation that you can understand, but it's a unicorn. It doesn't exist.
  
• You want her back. She can't give you that, at least not enthusiastically
  

It is unfair, isn't it? You're never going to get what you want.

 

This lack of concrete resolution has the potential for bothering you for the rest of your natural life. You simply have to decide if that's what you want, or if you'd choose a lesser period of time. If it is a lesser period of time that you'd choose, then how long are you willing to dwell on it?

 

Everybody here is pretty much telling you to accept the fact that you'll never know.

Edited March 21, 2015 by mightycpa

[elaine567]

Remember: NEVER try and keep someone who doesn't want to keep YOU.

This ^^^

 

Lots of wise advice from Mikey2012 there, you can analyse her to death and it will not make one whit of difference to your situation.

 

People do it all the time, one moment, they suddenly think to themselves I am not really feeling this, some make the decision to split there and then and act, others take months even years to get their act together.

It is often no-one's fault it is just how life works, we fall in love, we fall out of love. We all have expectations and dreams, sometimes we need to be free to pursue our dreams and sometimes our relationships do not come up to our expectations.

How we act after that realisation will depend on who we are as people, some will be brutally honest and no nonsense, others will try and spare feelings and come across as wishy washy or indecisive, some will just completely disappear, some will look around for a replacement before they split, others will immediately seek solace elsewhere after the split, and some will grieve for years...

After 2 years, she wasn't feeling it, accept that, and be glad she told you, so you can move on.

[Jimmyjackson]

This ^^^

 

Lots of wise advice from Mikey2012 there, you can analyse her to death and it will not make one whit of difference to your situation.

 

People do it all the time, one moment, they suddenly think to themselves I am not really feeling this, some make the decision to split there and then and act, others take months even years to get their act together.

It is often no-one's fault it is just how life works, we fall in love, we fall out of love. We all have expectations and dreams, sometimes we need to be free to pursue our dreams and sometimes our relationships do not come up to our expectations.

How we act after that realisation will depend on who we are as people, some will be brutally honest and no nonsense, others will try and spare feelings and come across as wishy washy or indecisive, some will just completely disappear, some will look around for a replacement before they split, others will immediately seek solace elsewhere after the split, and some will grieve for years...

After 2 years, she wasn't feeling it, accept that, and be glad she told you, so you can move on.

 

This.

 

People can tell you she's a bad girl etc, but at the end of the day if someone's not feeling it anymore, they have to end it. The heart wants what the heart wants. It's better she told you now than string you along. If she had stayed you would've been annoyed at her for keeping it quiet, you can't win in these situations.

 

I'm 7 months post break up and I just try tell myself when I miss her that she's moved on and probably doesn't think about me anymore. Try convince yourself of this.

[EgoJoe]

Sounds like someone else. The blame shifting and the "I thought you were going to break up with me" are the biggest indicators for me.

 

Write down a list of everything you need to wrap up with her then send a very to the point text about it.

[WhiteKnighter]

Sounds like someone else. The blame shifting and the "I thought you were going to break up with me" are the biggest indicators for me.

 

Write down a list of everything you need to wrap up with her then send a very to the point text about it.

 

I'm not sure where you got this quote, "I thought you were going to break up with me", but it wasn't from my post.

 

What I said was:

 

 

"The only other significant piece I gathered from her is that she felt that eventually I would end it anyway, because I'd realize that she didn't treat me well."

 

In other words, she feels guilty because she is distant, and allegedly doesn't know why. She told me that in basically all other relationships she's been in, the same thing has happened. Again, this is all in her words, not my impressions. She claims that after she's with someone for 6+ months, she goes distant, she stops acting affectionate, etc. With me, I guess, I 'tolerate' it better than most, and continue acting kind, nice, and generous. It was THAT, she said, that made her feel guilty. In other relationships, I guess guys noticed and just stopped caring maybe. Again, she didn't have an opinion as to why, only said that she is in love with me, attracted to me, but cannot understand why despite still feeling those things, she is cold and frigid.

 

The whole "I would end it anyway" (again in her words), was meaning that she feels I would end it anyway out of frustration, because she cannot understand why she's acting this way... I guess AFTER she shows me her 'cold' side, she thinks back about it and feels really guilty. She said can't take the guilt.

 

She wasn't vague in the sense that you mis-quoted. She did not say, "I thought you were going to break up with me".

Edited March 21, 2015 by WhiteKnighter

[WhiteKnighter]

On a related note, one thing i'm really, really struggling with right now is my sleep.

 

Ever since Tuesday night, I haven't been able to get more than 3 hours. I wake up in the middle of night, not for the bathroom, but I just mysteriously wake up.

 

I'm not coming out of a nightmare or anything, I just wake up and cannot go back to sleep. It's making me feel tired ALL the time. I'm not wallowing around sulking or anything, I just feel physically bad and fatigued... I'm not sure how to get around that.

 

I tried to get into my car and go for a drive, or a walk, but I'm kind of nauseous and out of it.

[Itspointless]

She went on to explain that she feels I give way more than she does/can, and that she doesn't think it is fair to me. [...] but she'd always told me that she gets stressed out, and when this happens she just needs space and time... so I tried to be a good person and respect her wishes. [...]The only other significant piece I gathered from her is that she felt that eventually I would end it anyway, because I'd realize that she didn't treat me well.[...] I feel like she's making a decision FOR me... it's like she's saying, "I know how bad I am for you, but you don't, so i'm doing this FOR you". Like I said, I can understand reasons for breaking up, but this one I just don't get. I even said to her, "If you are leaving, it needs to be for you, not because you think it's best for me".

Are you familiar with adult attachment theory? I am curious which attachment-style you see yourself and her. Some people do break good things because they actually believe they will get abandoned. Was it easy for her to share her emotions with you? And did she for example like to be close to you?

 

Edit: I just read two posts above mine this: 'She told me that in basically all other relationships she's been in, the same thing has happened. Again, this is all in her words, not my impressions. She claims that after she's with someone for 6+ months, she goes distant, she stops acting affectionate, etc.' you should really read more about attachment-styles. There is a chance she is avoidant-dismissive attached.

Edited March 22, 2015 by Itspointless

[WhiteKnighter]

Are you familiar with adult attachment theory? I am curious which attachment-style you see yourself and her. Some people do break good things because they actually believe they will get abandoned. Was it easy for her to share her emotions with you? And did she for example like to be close to you?

 

Edit: I just read two posts above mine this: 'She told me that in basically all other relationships she's been in, the same thing has happened. Again, this is all in her words, not my impressions. She claims that after she's with someone for 6+ months, she goes distant, she stops acting affectionate, etc.' you should really read more about attachment-styles. There is a chance she is avoidant-dismissive attached.

 

Wow... I'd say she textbook dismissive avoidant. For myself... I don't know... Probably somewhere between secure and anxious. Indefinitely used to be anxious, but over time it's kind of stopped.

[Eaglestar83]

I personally don't get how people just fall out of love. I think people simply get into relationships for the wrong reason and then eventually figure out that this person is not for them. Or they get infatuated with the person, and we all know that infatuation never lasts.

 

When I date people, usually the first month or so am just assessing them, if they have all the qualities I need for a long term/marriage partner. If they do, I get excited about the relationship and would start investing in it. I don't actually fall in love, or get infatuated with the person or the sex, just for that to fade away few months or a year down the line. This is why I've never actually fallen out of love with anybody because I don't put the burden of love on my partner's shoulder, but instead, am loving the bond that am building with them, the trust, the future hopes and dreams, the family home, etc etc, and you can never fall out of love with that.

[Itspointless]

Wow... I'd say she textbook dismissive avoidant. For myself... I don't know... Probably somewhere between secure and anxious. Indefinitely used to be anxious, but over time it's kind of stopped.

I see I wrote dismissive-avoidant wrong, funny, as I have read hundreds of pages about it the last two 1,5 years.

 

If you want I can point you to some good books and articles about it. In November 2013 I was just as dumbfounded as you. There also is something called the anxious-avoidant trap! Both attachments are insecure and follow from early childhood events and insecure caregiving. Usually the behaviours of our attachments come to the front when we are stressed or feeling low. The hard part is that people on the avoidant side of the spectrum can push their feelings away, even while they are into us. It is good to read about it as it also learns us a lot about ourselves: it is about the dynamic that we have with people. You can take this test if you want: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

 

If you search for it on Loveshack you can find more stories, even people who were left out of the blue by their avoidant brides.

[BlackbirdSong]

Can somebody list all of the different attachments or lead me to a book or other resource to learn about them? I've always been curious about them but I'm not a psych major or anything so I never really knew where to look. Thanks.

[Itspointless]

Can somebody list all of the different attachments or lead me to a book or other resource to learn about them? I've always been curious about them but I'm not a psych major or anything so I never really knew where to look. Thanks.

Yes I can, 'Why Can’t I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns' by Shirley Impellizzeri (Phd) is a great book. It talks about a lot I have read in academic articles in an easy way. She also teaches people tools to deal with their attachments. I really can recommend this book. You can read pages of it on google books. There also are other books, but I like this one for the non-academic ones the best. I find it more constructive than the book Attached.

 

In my previous post I meant 1.5 years, not two.

Edited March 22, 2015 by Itspointless

[WhiteKnighter]

Yes I can, 'Why Can’t I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns' by Shirley Impellizzeri (Phd) is a great book. It talks about a lot I have read in academic articles in an easy way. She also teaches people tools to deal with their attachments. I really can recommend this book. You can read pages of it on google books. There also are other books, but I like this one for the non-academic ones the best. I find it more constructive than the book Attached.

 

In my previous post I meant 1.5 years, not two.

 

There's also a lot of material online for it as you said... it's different on-point in terms of how it buckets people in my experience.

[Itspointless]

There's also a lot of material online for it as you said... it's different on-point in terms of how it buckets people in my experience.

Yes there is, but it usually tells the same message over and over again, often even with the same words. You can find some good articles on the net by Robert T. Muller or Stan Tatkin.

 

And I am afraid the negativity on dismissive-avoidant attachment is often realistic as dismissive avoidant people seldom want to work on themselves (they have a positive view on themselves and a negative view of others, which is different with fearful-avoidant people). Well I think I have to add that it also depends on where in the spectrum they fall.

[WhiteKnighter]

Yes there is, but it usually tells the same message over and over again, often even with the same words. You can find some good articles on the net by Robert T. Muller or Stan Tatkin.

 

And I am afraid the negativity on dismissive-avoidant attachment is often realistic as dismissive avoidant people seldom want to work on themselves (they have a positive view on themselves and a negative view of others, which is different with fearful-avoidant people). Well I think I have to add that it also depends on where in the spectrum they fall.

 

It's a difficult thing to place, for me, because there's a good deal of ambivalence that I saw in my ex. At times, she seems all-too willing to 'open up', but she never took the first step. We had periods where she'd say,"We never talk about anything important", or "I feel like you never actually tell me anything", but if I did share, instead of support there was criticism. After reading things on this style online, it seemed classic avoidant/dismissive.

 

Then, she'd seemingly give up, and then display signs of 'wanting to change' and actually KNOWING that she was aloof.

 

It was kind of all over the place:

 

"I want to change, but I can't change"

 

"I need you to help me open up, but you need to open up to me"

 

....(then, i'd open up, but she wouldn't follow)...

 

She'd also say things like, "You'll never understand me, no one will. No one ever really knows anyone else"..

 

In retrospect, it was pretty clear that she wanted the rush of the honeymoon phase, to try and feel 'something', but then once she got comfortable, she lost grip.. and never bothered to look at the things that did make us great... instead, she'd focus on the 1%, the small piece that WASN'T right or needed to be worked out, and push away because of that.

 

It's like a cycle I see with her... she's never had a relationship longer than ours was, in fact I think the next longest was maybe 1.5 years... and I guess she's had many boyfriends...

 

She seems to be intrigued was there's something BRAND NEW to explore, wanted that emotional connection, but can only hold on for so long before she pushes away because for real intimacy you need to look at yourself, too, and she didn't want to do that... or couldn't.

Edited March 22, 2015 by WhiteKnighter

[Itspointless]

It is hard to answer everything you write about. I only was with my ex four months long distance, but I recognize a lot in your writing. An avoidant attachment is not a static thing, you best can look at it as four quadrants where you can fall on (http://www.samlouiemft.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/attachment-diagram1.jpg).

 

As I have understood people who are dismissive-avoidant can handle the intimacy the first months, but at a certain moment the relationship can get to real to handle for them. With some that happens after a few months, with some when getting married and with some it only is visible in the fact that they are not that intimate with their partners, often to the frustration of their partners.

 

That does not mean that avoidant people do not enjoy the other, they often really enjoy and love their partner, although that sometimes conflicts with their believe that they do not need other people (which is a lie as they confuse auto-regulation with self-regulation). My ex constantly was asking me time for opening up and I gave that. Their uneasiness with being close - being close remembers them (un)consciously of being hurt - eventually drives many avoidant people away. Especially when their partners get needy or ask them for help (asking for help is conceived as weak). As I often read it they focus on little petty things to justify their moving away for themselves.

 

My ex also broke up with me in part because she said it was better for me (she had gotten ill), and in part because she made clear that she wanted to do it alone, like she always did. Her situation caused stress that made her act her on very old patterns and made her suppress like I never have seen before. She became VERY rational.

 

It is very difficult to place and accept.

[WhiteKnighter]

Just giving an update...

 

It's been about 9-10 days since the breakup, and in many ways Im doing a lot better.

 

There was a time where I needed to break NC, and I did, because I had some money-related details I needed to sort out (getting reimbursed for a vet bill for the dog for $500 which I wasn't ready to just let go), but in general my desire for contacting her has reduced drastically.

 

So far, my only regret in the grieving process has been that I made the mistake of breaking the NC early, before I ever posted here, because I didn't know what I was doing. I basically sent her my opinion on everything, how I thought her decision was senseless, etc... at the time I felt like I was doing the right thing, being honest, but in retrospect I did it all wrong, and I really wish I hadn't done that.

 

Since Sunday, though, I havent had any communications whatsoever. She sent me a text yesterday asking me if she could meet with me in person when she gets back from her trip to Mexico, but I have not said anything. Apparently she wants to respond in person to the messages I sent explaining my feelings because she doesn't feel like she can simply email/text me and explain her response... but to be honest, right now every message from her makes me feel nervous, it makes my heart race, etc, and it causes unneeded stress. Yesterday was the first day since the breakup where, for several intervals, I actually felt GOOD...

 

I have been so physically tired, fatigued and restless that even having moments where I didn't feel like I was suffering was a treat.

 

No idea what she wants to say to me, why she wants to me meet her, but as much as i'd like to see her in some ways, the thought makes me nauseous... right now my most recent memory is crying in front of her and having my heart ripped out, and if her response is going to be anything like that, why would I bother?

Edited March 27, 2015 by WhiteKnighter