Close to breaking NC

[smellysocksuni]

I went through this a few times after I started NC. It rarely happened, but I would sometimes get a weird urge to contact him. Deep down, I knew I wouldn't contact him, but the urge was there. I think the reason has something to do with denial creeping back in. Goodbyes are hard. A permanent goodbye? That's some scary stuff for anyone. I think we all crave closeness and emotional connections (well, most of us do), so we try to keep that connection in any way we can.

 

I also think a lot of my wanting to contact him was born from the idea that I didn't want to be on bad terms with anyone. That idea bothered me for a long time, and I would imagine contacting him and us having a genuine conversation where he apologized and we were back on good terms. Then, I would realize how incredibly ridiculous it was to expect that. I finally had to realize that it was okay not to talk to someone who mistreated me. I didn't owe him any conversation or any "we're good" talk. Some people, you just have to cut them out of your life, and support your decision to do so. You don't see the other person running back, looking to make ammends do you? Remembering that very sobering fact kept me from talking to him. After what he did, he never offered a sincere, empathetic apology. Never. Not once. So I think that says it all.

 

It's definitely some sort of denial. The whole "is this REALLY it?", half waiting for some sort of communication from the dumper. So relieved to hear that it's normal, though... and also the same about you wanting to contact him and having some sort of decent conversation despite the fact that this is the person that smashed your heart into a billion tiny pieces!!

 

And the part about the apology, wow. Exactly. Off living their life, with no second thought or backward glance to even check that you're still alive. That does say it all, BC. All of these reasons are why I would never contact her, even thought the urge is there sometimes. Ugh!

[smellysocksuni]

She's the one who's going to end up getting hurt by this.

 

Your ex doesn't care.... and you'll leave Rebound Girl when you're finally over your ex and don't *need her* anymore to feel better.

 

But what about Rebound Girl? She's probably really falling for you, and this isn't someone you're going to stay with... a few months from now you're going to realize you're just not in love with her and that *she deserves better*.

 

I found this reply quite interesting. When I met N (new girl) I was fine, I wasn't thinking about my ex, I didn't go into it as a distraction... she fit the description of what I wanted and what I need in a person. She is very understanding, caring, sweet, thoughtful, selfless, mature. A lovely person who ALL my friends like! Much better than the person I was with before. And she IS really falling for me. She's told me. And I know she's genuine, I don't see any red flags anywhere (and trust me, I've been hunting them down!)

 

But... something just isn't clicking, and I didn't know what it was. I do now think that I'm just not over my ex. And I really want to be. I want to be over her, I just want to be happy with N. I think she's great. This is all such a mess.

[Ruby65]

But... something just isn't clicking, and I didn't know what it was. I do now think that I'm just not over my ex. And I really want to be. I want to be over her, I just want to be happy with N. I think she's great. This is all such a mess.

 

It's not clicking because she's a Rebound Girl.

 

You're not over your ex.... you projected feelings onto this new girl to help yourself recover, but as you slowly get over your ex you have less and less need for Rebound Girl.

 

You weren't ready to start a new relationship. And this poor new girl is going to be the one to pay the price.

[erklat]

There is no rationalization for what you are feeling. You could fall for someone else that would

be far worse partner, but if she's exactly what you need, that's it. There is nothing rational about

love.

 

It doesn't necessarily mean she's the rebound girl. Not all girls between two times you fall in love

are rebounds. It only means something is not right.

[BC1980]

It's definitely some sort of denial. The whole "is this REALLY it?", half waiting for some sort of communication from the dumper. So relieved to hear that it's normal, though... and also the same about you wanting to contact him and having some sort of decent conversation despite the fact that this is the person that smashed your heart into a billion tiny pieces!!

 

And the part about the apology, wow. Exactly. Off living their life, with no second thought or backward glance to even check that you're still alive. That does say it all, BC. All of these reasons are why I would never contact her, even thought the urge is there sometimes. Ugh!

 

I think it's just really hard to accept that a relationship where you shared such an intimacy with a person could end as it did. It just doesn't seem right does it? But when I would get those urges to reach out and make it right, I would realize that the burden should be on him for that. Not me. He didn't deserve a free pass for that. If anyone should have been reaching out to make it right, it wasn't me.

 

I think we like things to come neatly packed and easy to understand. Breakups are not like that.

[smellysocksuni]

It's not clicking because she's a Rebound Girl.

 

You're not over your ex.... you projected feelings onto this new girl to help yourself recover, but as you slowly get over your ex you have less and less need for Rebound Girl.

 

You weren't ready to start a new relationship. And this poor new girl is going to be the one to pay the price.

 

:(:(:(

 

I feel so bad, right now. At the beginning I think I did project feelings onto her - I didn't even realise that was what was happening. I'm not ready but I don't want N to be hurt, either. Ughhhhhhh.

[Ruby65]

:(:(:(

 

I feel so bad, right now. At the beginning I think I did project feelings onto her - I didn't even realise that was what was happening. I'm not ready but I don't want N to be hurt, either. Ughhhhhhh.

 

Please don't feel bad!!! You're human and we all do things like this.

 

Just learn from this experience and be sure not to do it to anyone else in the future.

[NopeNah]

I went out with a great girl,probably better than my last in every aspect,but I just couldn't continue to see her. It wasn't fair to her and she had a younger daughter(I never met her). I had told her when we first went out, that I was not looking for a relationship and she said "she was on the same page"..that ended up not being true on her part. Once she tried to escalate our dating,phone calls,ect.. I had to let her go. She needed someone ready for a commitment and it wasn't me. I felt bad,but it was what needed to be done.

[Ruby65]

I had told her when we first went out, that I was not looking for a relationship and she said "she was on the same page"..that ended up not being true on her part.

 

The sad truth is, if someone's into you and excited to start dating you, they'll say whatever you want to hear to move things forward. Especially younger girls will agree to "casual dating" just assuming there's still the possibility it could lead to more.

 

I'd bet anything this girl was certain she could change your mind and that once you two were dating you'd want to be serious with her, despite your warnings.

[NopeNah]

The sad truth is, if someone's into you and excited to start dating you, they'll say whatever you want to hear to move things forward. Especially younger girls will agree to "casual dating" just assuming there's still the possibility it could lead to more.

 

I'd bet anything this girl was certain she could change your mind and that once you two were dating you'd want to be serious with her, despite your warnings.

 

She was early 30's,me late 30's,but I agree. She even mentioned more kids "down the road"...I ran for the hill's! I did it the "right way",as if there is one, and told her she needed to find someone who's looking for what she wants. My kid is 19 and in college,so I'm done with that part of life! I'm ready to travel,start new businesses,ect.. NOT raising kids anymore. She didn't mention her kid until the 3rd date,which I understand, I've been there while dating in my late 20's(I had full custody)..but, I've seen that through out my dating history..So I knew the sign's. We still text/talk as friends. She got invested and I was never there with her.

[hunk]

Socks, you need to make a decision right now. As in, the moment you read this. You either tell yourself to snap out of this, that this new girl is right for you and she is what you want and need and you STAY with her and give her a relationship. This requires you to give her 100%. What you gave your ex only times 100. You give her the new, revised version of yourself. This will not only make you feel infinitely better about yourself, it will strengthen your relationship and take it to a point you've never experienced with anyone before because you're actively and consciously TRYING, having learned from your screwups with the ex.

 

OR - if you just aren't feeling it with this girl, you MUST end it. Seriously. Please take it from me. You can't let this go on a day longer, purely for her own wellbeing. Think about her, not you. I was in your exact situation. My ex screwed me up and I ended up rebounding with the girl i mentioned earlier in this thread who in retrospect was actually perfect for me, but i just COULDN'T make myself feel it. To this day i'm still not even sure about what was missing. I rebounded with her for a whole year and a half, but wasn't completely over my ex so i couldn't even give this girl an adult relationship, it was pathetic. I had absolutely no idea what i was doing with her even though i really liked her, and led her on for 18 months while i was still heartbroken. She broke it off with me and I ended up with double heartbreak and loathing myself to the point of wanting to kill myself.

 

Really, REALLY think about this and do what is right. You know what's right. Please don't do what I did because I promise if you felt bad about your last breakup, when this new girl eventually dumps you telling you that you ruined her life and made her hate herself you're going to lose your mind and spiral into a very dark place.

[Throldur]

Buddy, just tell your new girl what's going on in your head. Tell her you need to take a step back and evaluate everything because you don't want to string her along if it isn't going anywhere.

 

Then really think about this new girl and whether or not she's someone you can see yourself with. Don't end it because you still care about your ex, you always will on some level, but don't lose a good girl that's in your life now over the thoughts of a past ex.

[smellysocksuni]

Buddy, just tell your new girl what's going on in your head. Tell her you need to take a step back and evaluate everything because you don't want to string her along if it isn't going anywhere.

 

Then really think about this new girl and whether or not she's someone you can see yourself with. Don't end it because you still care about your ex, you always will on some level, but don't lose a good girl that's in your life now over the thoughts of a past ex.

 

Hey

 

I have had a few conversations with my current girlfriend about everything that's going on. She seems to understand and has been very understanding and very patient. I had to, because it was eating me up. I DON'T want to lose this girl, as she is perfect for me but my ex is my EX, she's not coming back. I am committed to this girl and willing to make it work but obviously on some level I will be hurt because of my ex but I have to move on.

[smellysocksuni]

This is the sixth month since she broke up with me and I have recently found out that she is checking my tweets - there have been several occasions in the past when I have thought she might have, but not been 100% certain. I deleted all my tweets a while back because I wanted to tweet more intelligent things and not just rubbish (lol) and she tweeted "What you delete says more than what you tweet" - my friend looks at her things and told me. I have told her not to tell me anything but she doesn't really listen, which is annoying because obviously that sets me back.

 

Anyway. I am following a few younger, trendier people who are always using the word 'bae' and I dislike the word heavily so I tweeted "are people still using the word 'bae'?" About an hour later my friend sent me a screen shot of her account; she tweets "BAE BAE BAE BAE BAE BAE" with whole bunch of pictures quoting the word. I do not check her social media as I know it isn't full NC so I removed myself from that completely.

 

It shocked me to know that she is checking my account. Six months into the break up and she's actually responding to things I tweet. It raised a whole bunch of questions, and if I'm honest has really set me back. Why is she doing that? Is it to get attention? Does she miss me? What? I do think it's also resentment on her part because of the fact that I DID stop contacting her in the end, and changed all my contact details. I don't think she likes it, and is trying to get a reaction. I have since made my Twitter account private.

 

It's thrown me back, though. And I'm missing her again.. contstantly thinking about her, etc. Hurting again, basically.

Edited June 4, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[BC1980]

This is the sixth month since she broke up with me and I have recently found out that she is checking my tweets - there have been several occasions in the past when I have thought she might have, but not been 100% certain. I deleted all my tweets a while back because I wanted to tweet more intelligent things and not just rubbish (lol) and she tweeted "What you delete says more than what you tweet" - my friend looks at her things and told me. I have told her not to tell me anything but she doesn't really listen, which is annoying because obviously that sets me back.

 

Anyway. I am following a few younger, trendier people who are always using the word 'bae' and I dislike the word heavily so I tweeted "are people still using the word 'bae'?" About an hour later my friend sent me a screen shot of her account; she tweets "BAE BAE BAE BAE BAE BAE" with whole bunch of pictures quoting the word. I do not check her social media as I know it isn't full NC so I removed myself from that completely.

 

It shocked me to know that she is checking my account. Six months into the break up and she's actually responding to things I tweet. It raised a whole bunch of questions, and if I'm honest has really set me back. Why is she doing that? Is it to get attention? Does she miss me? What? I do think it's also resentment on her part because of the fact that I DID stop contacting her in the end, and changed all my contact details. I don't think she likes it, and is trying to get a reaction. I have since made my Twitter account private.

 

It's thrown me back, though. And I'm missing her again.. contstantly thinking about her, etc. Hurting again, basically.

 

Next time the friend wants to show you something, say no thanks. I know it's tempting, but it's not helping you in the long run. She's probably responding to your Twitter bc she thinks you are looking at it and wants attention. It's not really uncommon from what I've seen, but it's immature. It's the the idea that she doesn't want you, but she still wants to have some sort of control over you and affect you. Since you haven't contacted her, she's loosing that control and is trying to regain it in crazy ways. Ugh. Be glad she is gone.

[smellysocksuni]

Next time the friend wants to show you something, say no thanks. I know it's tempting, but it's not helping you in the long run. She's probably responding to your Twitter bc she thinks you are looking at it and wants attention. It's not really uncommon from what I've seen, but it's immature. It's the the idea that she doesn't want you, but she still wants to have some sort of control over you and affect you. Since you haven't contacted her, she's loosing that control and is trying to regain it in crazy ways. Ugh. Be glad she is gone.

 

Hey BC.

 

Unfortunately I looked at her Twitter again, today - she has put a whole bunch of photos up of my cat with the caption "missing this baby". It threw me, but I haven't responded anywhere and I haven't contacted her. I started feeling like perhaps she wants me to get in touch, etc. It really confused me as the way she was when we broke up I was not expecting her to do this at all. I thought she had moved on a long time ago.

 

Even though I have changed my contact details, she could still contact me in many other ways and she hasn't, so therefore I will remain radio silent.

[BC1980]

It shocked me to know that she is checking my account. Six months into the break up and she's actually responding to things I tweet. It raised a whole bunch of questions, and if I'm honest has really set me back. Why is she doing that? Is it to get attention? Does she miss me? What? I do think it's also resentment on her part because of the fact that I DID stop contacting her in the end, and changed all my contact details. I don't think she likes it, and is trying to get a reaction. I have since made my Twitter account private.

 

It's thrown me back, though. And I'm missing her again.. contstantly thinking about her, etc. Hurting again, basically.

 

You're still at the point where you are emotionally affected by her. Any contact, however trivial it may seem, is going to affect you. You never went through grief properly. You pushed your grief and emotions to the side with the distraction of the new girl. I think you genuinely care about the new girl, but jumping into that relationship so quickly provided a way to ignore the intense emotions after a breakup. At least, you can ignore them sometimes, but things always crop back up in the end.

 

I understand why you jumped into a relationship. We all do things to avoid the intense pain, but it's probably not serving you well in the long run. Jumping from one person to the next in an attempt to avoid the pain and grief. Many people are guilty of it, and I did that myself years ago. But it's dangerous because you are still functioning in the same dynamic where you are looking for another person to take all the pain away, to provide a distraction to life and to truly feeling what you feel. And once that relationship ends, you are at the same place, and you have to either find a new person or face your feelings.

[BC1980]

Hey BC.

 

Unfortunately I looked at her Twitter again, today - she has put a whole bunch of photos up of my cat with the caption "missing this baby". It threw me, but I haven't responded anywhere and I haven't contacted her. I started feeling like perhaps she wants me to get in touch, etc. It really confused me as the way she was when we broke up I was not expecting her to do this at all. I thought she had moved on a long time ago.

 

Even though I have changed my contact details, she could still contact me in many other ways and she hasn't, so therefore I will remain radio silent.

 

She's just upping the ante since you didn't respond the other Tweets. I would not be surprised if she finds a way to contact you directly at some point. I'd bet her new relationship isn't going so well.

[smellysocksuni]

You're still at the point where you are emotionally affected by her. Any contact, however trivial it may seem, is going to affect you. You never went through grief properly. You pushed your grief and emotions to the side with the distraction of the new girl. I think you genuinely care about the new girl, but jumping into that relationship so quickly provided a way to ignore the intense emotions after a breakup. At least, you can ignore them sometimes, but things always crop back up in the end.

 

I understand why you jumped into a relationship. We all do things to avoid the intense pain, but it's probably not serving you well in the long run. Jumping from one person to the next in an attempt to avoid the pain and grief. Many people are guilty of it, and I did that myself years ago. But it's dangerous because you are still functioning in the same dynamic where you are looking for another person to take all the pain away, to provide a distraction to life and to truly feeling what you feel. And once that relationship ends, you are at the same place, and you have to either find a new person or face your feelings.

 

She's just upping the ante since you didn't respond the other Tweets. I would not be surprised if she finds a way to contact you directly at some point. I'd bet her new relationship isn't going so well.

 

In another life, the girl I'm with now would be perfect for me, and IS perfect for me. She is my type physically, she's caring, sweet, generous - I couldn't list a bad thing about her. I didn't date until four months after the break up, so I guess I thought I was ready.

 

Yes, I guess she is upping the ante, now. I don't know. I feel like there are certain things that I gave her during the relationship - we shared a certain type of humour, certain views on life - she always told me that I was the only person she'd met who she could get on with in those ways. Whether she meant it or not, I don't know. I feel that her new partner isn't satisfying her so she's reminiscing about me. To upload those cat pictures was quite a big deal - that is the first sign I've seen from her since the break up, even when we were talking, that she holds any feelings whatsoever.

 

I feel like her pride is too big for her to get in touch with me, but I do know that all she has to do is unblock me on Twitter and Direct Message me or come to my house. Neither of which she's done, so I have to assume that she's playing games with me.

[hunk]

Stay strong socks. I think your head is in the right place.

[BC1980]

Yes, I guess she is upping the ante, now. I don't know. I feel like there are certain things that I gave her during the relationship - we shared a certain type of humour, certain views on life - she always told me that I was the only person she'd met who she could get on with in those ways. Whether she meant it or not, I don't know. I feel that her new partner isn't satisfying her so she's reminiscing about me. To upload those cat pictures was quite a big deal - that is the first sign I've seen from her since the break up, even when we were talking, that she holds any feelings whatsoever.

 

I feel like her pride is too big for her to get in touch with me, but I do know that all she has to do is unblock me on Twitter and Direct Message me or come to my house. Neither of which she's done, so I have to assume that she's playing games with me.

 

She might have meant what she said at the time or in the moment. A lot of people have fleeting emotions that aren't that deep, and they can change with the wind. You have to be wary of those people, but you often don't realize it until it's too late. I wouldn't be surprised if she used that line on someone else or has since you. I always get kind of wary when people start pulling out those lines,"I've never felt as close to anyone but you, I've never connected with anyone like you, I've never loved someone like you." I think that can be true of some people, but, more often than not, it's something said in the moment or at the time. And the person saying it is so emotionally immature that they just go with it.

 

I think you need to be really careful with equating her posting pics of your cat with a genuine sign of her missing you. She is more than likely doing that to get your attention. She seems really vapid and "in the moment." Those people are scary to me, and my ex was like that. They don't really understand their own emotions, and they are loose with words. They just go with what they feel on that day, and tomorrow it's going to be something completely different. I still remember how my ex said he wanted to get married, went out and bought a ring a few weeks later, told our families, and, a month later, he was back tracking. Saying he wasn't sure. Those types of people just aren't stable IMO. He got engaged to someone else within 5 months of dating, and he had just been talking to me about working it out (basically stinging me along) a few weeks prior. People like that, they live in the moment. They love you until they don't anymore, and it's anyone's guess as to when that time is up. They don't think before they speak/act.

[smellysocksuni]

I realise now that her posting the photos of the cat was nothing more than an attempt to get my attention - to either get me to reply, directly or indirectly. I did neither, which I'm proud of.

 

What I am concerned about is the fact that I now seem to be back at square one. I cannot stop thinking about her and have these really strong urges to contact her; something I haven't felt for months. I also woke up this morning feeling extremely anxious and upset. Clearly, I still love her. Very much so. Why, I don't know. I won't contact her, as she's with someone else now and her loyalty doesn't lie with me, anymore.

 

The other problem is the girl I'm currently dating. I have realised that she isn't the person for me. And the more time I spend with her just re-enforces that she isn't my ex, and isn't doing things I'd like her to do. I have ended things with her once already, and it broke her heart and we ended up back together. The thing is, I can't bear to be around her any longer. I don't have any feelings for her, and I know that this is unfair on her but I have no idea how to break it off.

 

I realise now that she is a rebound; at the time I did think I was over my ex and ready to begin dating again - but I'm not. I made a mistake.

[BC1980]

You have to stay NC until you are indifferent, and that could take some time. Social media is dangerous. Just seeing those pics has you reeling. Until you can look at her Twitter and not give a rat's butt, stay away. It will happen with time, NC, and committing to working in yourself. I think when we break NC, it serves as a lesson learned. It's a reality check.

[smellysocksuni]

OK, there's been a development in my situation and I thought I'd post here before doing ANYTHING.

 

I've been looking at my ex's tweets for about a week or a week and a half now - since my friend showed me what she was tweeting, I have found it quite funny that she seemed to be going all out to get my attention.

 

She was tweeting things, making a big deal of this person being the love of her life, that they've got a six pack, etc etc. Tweeted a song, with some strange lyrics - "I didn't want to find someone new, all I wanted was you" - weird things.

 

This morning - she followed me on Twitter. She's had me blocked for six months. In that time I've moved on - I still have down days but I am fine, overall.

 

She's deleted ALL of those tweets, now. Just randomly followed me. I haven't followed back, I haven't blocked her. I haven't done anything visible. Now, I know the advice will be to block her. I have never had her blocked, as I am just not that immature and... she could see my tweets anyway, if she wasn't logged in. So that's pointless. I don't want to follow her back. But what I do want to find out is what she wants.

 

She hasn't contacted me, hasn't said a word. I know, I KNOW she just wants my attention. And that's why I am going to play this correctly. Even if it IS bothering me, she isn't going to know that it is. I am still freaked out, I am also laughing at her because she is so predictable.

[Itspointless]

OK, there's been a development in my situation and I thought I'd post here before doing ANYTHING.

 

I've been looking at my ex's tweets for about a week or a week and a half now - since my friend showed me what she was tweeting, I have found it quite funny that she seemed to be going all out to get my attention.

 

She was tweeting things, making a big deal of this person being the love of her life, that they've got a six pack, etc etc. Tweeted a song, with some strange lyrics - "I didn't want to find someone new, all I wanted was you" - weird things.

 

This morning - she followed me on Twitter. She's had me blocked for six months. In that time I've moved on - I still have down days but I am fine, overall.

 

She's deleted ALL of those tweets, now. Just randomly followed me. I haven't followed back, I haven't blocked her. I haven't done anything visible. Now, I know the advice will be to block her. I have never had her blocked, as I am just not that immature and... she could see my tweets anyway, if she wasn't logged in. So that's pointless. I don't want to follow her back. But what I do want to find out is what she wants.

 

She hasn't contacted me, hasn't said a word. I know, I KNOW she just wants my attention. And that's why I am going to play this correctly. Even if it IS bothering me, she isn't going to know that it is. I am still freaked out, I am also laughing at her because she is so predictable.

Or she just is curious to your life. For all you know she is trying to get another person his attention.