Close to breaking NC

[OneBigIdgit]

 

Wow, your ex is engaged 20 days after breaking up with you. That sound nutso and must be a new record.

 

 

 

 

 

 

haha. I'm sure its not a record but IN MY OPINION, it was way too quick to move 300 miles and into a house with him. Then get engaged at about the 20 day mark. I haven't checked their facebook pages since late February but he was spending oodles of money on her at that time.

 

 

She and her family pushed that marriage issue so strongly, I started joking that she just wanted a WEDDING. The name of the groom wasn't that big of a deal to them. I meant it as a joke(told to others, never them) but her getting engaged in 20 days sorta makes it seem true

[BlackbirdSong]

Wow, your story is straight craziness!!!! I'm happy for you that you got away from that.

[OneBigIdgit]

HaHa BlackbirdSong. I can recognize that their handling of the situation was very different than anything that I'd encountered. Because of some red flag issues that happened in the 1st month of being around this person(the marriage needs being one of them), I thought of the relationship as a short term thing until we hit about 15 months and then I grew really attached to her. She became a great dance partner and she had quit bringing up the marriage thing.

 

 

One of the earliest issues: Somebody hold my beer while I tell this. Wait, all of you readers had best let somebody hold yours because you are going to spill it after reading this:

I had been around this person about 4 times, not dates, just chatting and agreeing that we were going to date. I had carried her to a sunday afternoon meal once. This is about 10 days after meeting her, on the next Sunday afternoon and I was talking to a family member, received a text from my gf. My face went white, my family jumped up and asked if I was ok. The text from my new GF said that she had arranged marriage counseling with the pastor of her church. I went white faced. I hadn't taken her on a real date at that time. I told her that I refuse to go to marriage counseling until I'd been married at least 5 yrs.

 

 

The next red flag came a few weeks later. She came clean my house. I told her not to, but she wanted to. I came home later in the day and told her that the house looked great. She said, I didn't find any tax records, where do you keep them? RED FLAG!!!!! RED FLAG!!!! lol those 2 issues are why I approached this as a short term relationship

 

 

She settled down on most issues and we became a really nice couple for the most part

[smellysocksuni]

ok guys. If you do this right, the ages of 30 or 37 won't be a fear factor for you. My 1st divorce from my wife, I was 27 and though the divorce hurt like hell, I still knew I could find someone else. The ex and I got back together 2 months after the divorce was final. Her rebound fizzled and she came running back(after I told her that I never wanted to see her again). The 2nd time she divorced me, I was 42. I thought it was the end of the world. I was left thinking who is going to want me at this age. Her 2nd rebound fizzled after a year or so and then she married another guy quickly for 3 yrs. THEN she tried to come back to me. I turned her down because I was having a blast as a single guy.

 

 

At 42, I took my anger out on myself. I worked out ALOT. I got buff, learned to dance really well and went dancing 3 nights a week if I could find a live band. After a couple of months of this, I was in the best shape of my life. I remember being outside of my job one sunny day and marveling that no way a guy 44 years old should feel this good. If I can do that at 42, you guys at 30 and 37 can look like Olympic athletes in 3 months. Take your hurt and anger out on yourselves. I don't go to a gym. I'm shy so I did all this exercise by working out with 2.5 and 5 lb weights at home and push ups and inventing ways to exercise at work while getting paid for it. I did thousands of push ups. I'd be dancing with a woman and had several ask me if they could just lay their head on my chest. All that anger at being left was put to good use.

 

 

Now I'm an ex again at 55 3/4. I'm not in terrible shape. Just bad shape. I did start the old workout process again a few days back but I don't have the anger that I felt back then. Just the hurt. But anything helps take you mind off of them and I'll go dancing more often.......

 

 

Life is just starting for you young guns. I found out how great life can be at 42, even if you are single again. I had about an average of 1 relationship a year until this ex came along. I never tried to get serious and most of them lasted a couple of months. This one came along and looked just right, chased me just right and added a HUGE amount of nice to my life. She wanted a wedding quickly(haven't figured out why) and she gave me roughly 21 months to get it done and I didn't so she is gone and engaged to somebody else about 20 days after breaking up with me.

 

What a great story this is! Of course, the thing about thinking you're too old is just one of many self-defeatist thoughts that overrule the mind after a break up... of course it isn't really true. There is no 'right' age to find love...the world is full of people. Lol, I make myself laugh... I'm in a good mood now, in ten minutes I'll probably be posting about how sad I feel.

 

I can't believe she left you just because she wanted to get married, how ridiculous is that?! Just 20 days after breaking up with you, too. How cruel.

[smellysocksuni]

I was 32 when my ex left me, and I felt like a failure. Most of the people around me were married with kids, and, here I was, single, no kids, had to move back in with my parents because I had foolishly been living with him, had alienated friends and family to spend time with him. I had never felt lower in my entire life. I also had a lot of other issues. Being a people pleaser, having no boundaries.

 

The entire breakup opened up a can of worms, but I knew I had to deal with the issues if I truly wanted to move on. Otherwise, you never really move on from the person, and you stay stuck in the same old patterns and negative thought patterns. Before this, my method for moving on involved either finding someone else or running from my feelings.

 

Exactly..it's the can of worms these things open that stays with you. To tell you the truth, I can't really remember what she looked like, or what she sounded like. So she can't have been that important ...

 

It's just more the feeling of finally belonging to someone etc and then them leaving despite the home building etc and then her moving on without even lookiing back. i think it stems from the loss of my mum 8 years ago - her and I were very close and I was only 23, her only child. Since then, all my romantic relationships have been very intense and crashed and burned...

 

I'm just more angry at her for leaving me when she knew this about me - she knew! Ugh. Then I guess she just isn't worth my time.

[OneBigIdgit]

 

I can't believe she left you just because she wanted to get married, how ridiculous is that?! Just 20 days after breaking up with you, too. How cruel.

 

 

 

 

The marriage thing is one of 3 major reasons for her to leave me. She made her needs clear from very early on but so many red flags started this off that I thought of it as a short term relationship and ignored her bringing up the 3 main issues: Marriage, Me going to church with her, and Me telling her that I loved her. Early in our relationship, anytime I told her that I loved her she would quickly bring up marriage plans. So I quit saying it to dodge the marriage talks.

 

 

The fact that she found a rich guy that is now engaged to her was just a golden goose falling in her lap. I'm sure she will get him married as quickly as possible, if they aren't already. The poor guy

 

 

Along with the 3 majors, she probably had a dozen minor reasons for leaving but any correction on my part on 2 of the 3 majors would have kept her around

[smellysocksuni]

I have successfully made it through another day of NC and I am very proud of myself. The urges were strong but I resisted and now I don't regret anything I haven't lost any more of my dignity or self-respect and that alone feels good. Thank you everyone for your support

[na49]

I have successfully made it through another day of NC and I am very proud of myself. The urges were strong but I resisted and now I don't regret anything I haven't lost any more of my dignity or self-respect and that alone feels good. Thank you everyone for your support

 

Just remember that you CAN have more days like this in the future. I know how having these days feel, and they are always very rewarding. Nice job on staying strong!

[smellysocksuni]

I just realised that it's been two weeks *full* NC - somehow I thought it had been longer, but it's still an achievement, I guess But I suppose that's why everything is still fresh in my mind as it's only two weeks ago that we broke contact...

[OneBigIdgit]

Congrats SmellySocks. Just move from one milestone

to the next. It will get easier.

 

 

It came to me this morning why my ex pushes for that

quick marriage. She's pretty religious and she feels very

guilty about sex outside of marriage. She even mentioned

that. How thick-headed am I to not remember that?

[smellysocksuni]

I feel so embarrassed about how I acted after the break up - all the arguments, the drama... jeez.

[BC1980]

I feel so embarrassed about how I acted after the break up - all the arguments, the drama... jeez.

 

Most people are embarrassed after the fact. No one acted perfectly. I'm embarrassed that I cried so much and wanted him back. I'm cringing just thinking about it. But I will tell you that NC is the best way to give your ex a positive image of you. It's your best shot. Over time, people tend to forget a lot of little details, and your perception of the person changes.

 

In the end, it won't even matter what your ex thinks of you. I neither know nor care what my ex remembers about me. I really could care less what he thinks of me to this day. At some point, you move so far into a different life that it just doesn't matter. Don't be too hard on yourself for how you handled the breakup. I told my ex I hated him at one point, and that was just immature drama. We are all human, and no one is expected to take a breakup stone faced.

[ZappyZapper]

There is a lot of emotion in break ups. We want what we can't have. And it seems nearly impossible to get over someone you had invested so much love, care, and time in to. I'm not in anyway saying that there is no chance you can ever get back with your ex. If you truly think its meant to be, don't give up, but hear me out first. I just split with my ex of 3.5 years a month ago. I immediately cut all ties with her. Blocked her, her friends, and family on FB. This actually helped a ton in the long run, but it hurt so bad for the first few weeks. I slept TERRIBLE and dreamed about her every night which always caused me to wake up and stay up. I barely ate and all I could think about every second of the day was her. It was a depression I felt would never go away. Well I found out about a week or two ago she left me for someone else. It wasn't a complete shocker to me because I actually saw her out in public just 3 days after the break up in the passenger seat of a dudes car. Something then hit me like a brick. I realized shes probably the worst girlfriend I will ever have. She's a bitch. She's immature. She has 5 figures worth of debt, due to the poor buying decisions she always made. Her parents were ass holes. I thought about all of this hard and realized for the future, this is definitely the best for me. I've been doing nothing, but working on me since the break up. Now I'm going out several days a week. I'm currently talking to this girl with an amazing personality and a rocking body. Its a huge upgrade for me if it ends up working out. Through this entire process to this day, yeah I still think about her a little bit during the day, but there is no more negative emotions or depression attached what so ever. I haven't had a dream about her in over a week. I feel great and I really want you to have this feeling. For now you need to do you. Meet some girls. I promise you will never look back. Just like myself, you will wonder why you spent so much time hung up over someone who doesn't even care enough about you to give you a text over this long time frame, when there is definitely a girl out there who would love to have a loving and caring guy like yourself texting and dating her.

Edited March 23, 2015 by ZappyZapper

[smellysocksuni]

Thanks for your replies, guys.

 

I feel like breaking NC today - not to get her back. When she left, she left me with all the bills. She told me to go to school and that she would support me, which she was doing. Now? I live day to day, I have no money and am struggling to find work. All my mobile phone and TV subscriptions have been cut off - I can't afford to travel, to eat, to do anything. I feel like contacting her to tell her my situation. Why do I have to suffer not only heartbreak but being in this position as well? I literally have nothing.

 

She just left me with nothing.

Edited March 23, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[NopeNah]

Thanks for your replies, guys.

 

I feel like breaking NC today - not to get her back. When she left, she left me with all the bills. She told me to go to school and that she would support me, which she was doing. Now? I live day to day, I have no money and am struggling to find work. All my mobile phone and TV subscriptions have been cut off - I can't afford to travel, to eat, to do anything. I feel like contacting her to tell her my situation. Why do I have to suffer not only heartbreak but being in this position as well? I literally have nothing.

 

She just left me with nothing.

 

Instead of focusing your energy on "why's",focus them on "how's". You don't need tv/phone..those are not important things. I haven't had cable in over a year and a half,best decision I ever made($180/mo for a bunch of crap channels?)! Look into an over the air antenna for local channels,if that's available in your area. I have a mobile,but strictly for business. I wouldn't have it if I didn't need it. I actually hate it when it rings and it's not about something I'm going to profit off of. Focus on your needs right now,not wants.

[BC1980]

Thanks for your replies, guys.

 

I feel like breaking NC today - not to get her back. When she left, she left me with all the bills. She told me to go to school and that she would support me, which she was doing. Now? I live day to day, I have no money and am struggling to find work. All my mobile phone and TV subscriptions have been cut off - I can't afford to travel, to eat, to do anything. I feel like contacting her to tell her my situation. Why do I have to suffer not only heartbreak but being in this position as well? I literally have nothing.

 

She just left me with nothing.

 

I wouldn't contact her to tell her your situation because I doubt she cares that much. I mean, she might care a little, but, in the big picture, what can she do about your money issues? Even if you were still together, she's not obligated to help you out financially. My mom always said to make sure we could make it on our own, and she was right. My ex made a lot more money than me, but I always made sure I could support myself. That was the one good thing I did. I put my career over him at one key juncture in the relationship, and I'm glad I did.

 

So, I know the money issues are huge problem. What can you do to fix them? And I mean long term? Could you move back in with family while going back to school? It sounds like your are in a dead end situation if you can't afford your bills and don't have money to buy food. You need to have a career where you can at least afford to live a little. No wonder you are stressed. I would be stressed in your situation without the breakup.

[smellysocksuni]

I wouldn't contact her to tell her your situation because I doubt she cares that much. I mean, she might care a little, but, in the big picture, what can she do about your money issues? Even if you were still together, she's not obligated to help you out financially. My mom always said to make sure we could make it on our own, and she was right. My ex made a lot more money than me, but I always made sure I could support myself. That was the one good thing I did. I put my career over him at one key juncture in the relationship, and I'm glad I did.

 

So, I know the money issues are huge problem. What can you do to fix them? And I mean long term? Could you move back in with family while going back to school? It sounds like your are in a dead end situation if you can't afford your bills and don't have money to buy food. You need to have a career where you can at least afford to live a little. No wonder you are stressed. I would be stressed in your situation without the breakup.

 

I guess if I were to look at it, I would be contacting her in order for her to feel sympathy and for her to feel bad and to eventually change her mind - so I guess it's just an excuse to break NC. I just miss her support and her guidance.

 

It's good that you did that - so at least you weren't left with nothing. That's the thing, in a relationship you have to make sure your own life is sorted out so that you're not dependent on the other.

 

I have a family member who I can stay with until I sort myself out - it will be me sleeping on a sofa for a few weeks. I've literally just asked her and she said it's fine - I stay there at weekends and then come home but I've realised maybe I need to stay there on a longer term until I get myself back together.

 

My plan is to study this September and then head to university next September, but I don't work so I need to get a job pretty soon. Once I have a job I can think about coming back home and starting again.

 

It's all so stressful, and obviously because I'm stressed and upset all I want to do is call my ex but she has someone else and it all just magnifies. Ugh.

[BlackbirdSong]

One of the primary reasons my ex left me was because I didn't have my financial house in order. I've been underemployed the past year and my stress put a lot of stress on her until she had enough and left. Then she told me that I wasn't ambitious enough. lol

In a way, she was absolutely right. She told me that she couldn't see me struggle anymore and it used to make her stressed and cry. I've been trying really hard to find a good full-time job, but it wasn't good enough at the time. She told me to "fix it" then we'll see, but I know that's a bunch of bull****. She's gone. The motto of the story is to have your finances in line before you get serious in a relationship.

[smellysocksuni]

Instead of focusing your energy on "why's",focus them on "how's". You don't need tv/phone..those are not important things. I haven't had cable in over a year and a half,best decision I ever made($180/mo for a bunch of crap channels?)! Look into an over the air antenna for local channels,if that's available in your area. I have a mobile,but strictly for business. I wouldn't have it if I didn't need it. I actually hate it when it rings and it's not about something I'm going to profit off of. Focus on your needs right now,not wants.

 

You're right. I've cancelled the things I can't afford anyway and the rest... I'm going to have to let them get cut off. Lol, you're right. All those channels - no-one actually watches them!

 

One of the primary reasons my ex left me was because I didn't have my financial house in order. I've been underemployed the past year and my stress put a lot of stress on her until she had enough and left. Then she told me that I wasn't ambitious enough. lol

In a way, she was absolutely right. She told me that she couldn't see me struggle anymore and it used to make her stressed and cry. I've been trying really hard to find a good full-time job, but it wasn't good enough at the time. She told me to "fix it" then we'll see, but I know that's a bunch of bull****. She's gone. The motto of the story is to have your finances in line before you get serious in a relationship.

 

Exactly.

[smellysocksuni]

"Hi,

 

Please don’t be annoyed that I have contacted you, I don’t intend to cause any trouble. I don’t expect a reply, either. I understand that you dislike me and that’s understandable. I’m not trying to interfere in your life or make you unhappy.

 

I know that you’re happy now, and I am happy for you. I have to be honest, I am struggling without your guidance and your support. I miss it immensely; I miss my friend.

 

You know the story – my life’s not been the greatest. When I met you, I felt like I belonged to someone, a part of something. I met all your friends and your family, and I felt part of something. I enjoyed the thought of us having a future together – it was finally the relative happiness I wanted. I just wanted stability after never having had it.

 

Now that’s all gone and I am lost, again. I did love you – I don’t know what kept going wrong with us, but I did love you. I know you probably look back and think it was horrible, especially now that you’re happy with a new partner. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that amount of happiness. I’m not good at relationships, but my intentions were always good.

 

I don’t know what to do without your guidance. I’m not trying to win you back or anything – I just don’t know what to do. You taught me a lot about life, and encouraged me in so many ways and now that isn’t there. And I can’t even talk to you – I’ve been cut out of your life. I don’t even have my friend, anymore."

 

 

I am actually debating whether to send this to her. I feel so weak, right now. I don't feel like NC is working, I only feel worse. I think there must be something wrong with me.

[BlackbirdSong]

DO NOT PRESS SEND my friend. Keep it here on LS.

 

You'll feel better about it in the morning.

Focus on trying to find a job. That'll keep you busy and when you land that job, your confidence will skyrocket.

[smellysocksuni]

DO NOT PRESS SEND my friend. Keep it here on LS.

 

You'll feel better about it in the morning.

Focus on trying to find a job. That'll keep you busy and when you land that job, your confidence will skyrocket.

 

Thank you for the reply, blackbird. I will do that - I won't press send, I won't. Thank you, man.

[Ifonlyihadknown]

Socks, wake up call buddy!

 

Step back from the edge, you will end up in hospital at this rate!!!

 

Though I have not said much I,m in the same place as you. I,m the one leaving tomorrow and heading straight into the NC pond, believe me mate she is not healthy for you in any shape or form.

 

Except that there are girls (and boys as well, Don,t wanna be sexist) that will never appreciate you, no matter what you do, no matter what you say, It,s just totally un fixable!

 

If you look at it closely you don,t want her to have relationships with other men whilst you are in a relationship with her. The mere fact that she can jump into other relationships so quickly is a sign you should wake up quickly.

 

I,m leaving where I am tomorrow, I won't except it and a relationship should truely be between 2 people, I,ve been through the mill, stepped over the edge twice and been to hospital once. You don,t wanna go to hospital Socks, you need to find the inner strength fast...I know none of this will make sense because it doesn,t make any sense to me, but only you have any sort of control over yourself now, stay close to friends, and stay close to family, there love to you is genuine. I,m not going to fall over the edge for a third time, I,m going to face my own damn insecurities and it,s her loss.

 

Thinking of you Socks, good luck. I will try to keep up to speed with the thread but tomorrow I have not sorted out anywhere to live. But I,m going and will never come back to her!

 

And as for time. I will just spend as much of that finding out what I,m really about and looking at my own insecurities. Once I have achieved that the next relationship I ever get into will only ever be with myself. I guess all this has killed whatever trust I had left, and staying in the relationship for me otherwise will only be a negative outcome for me.

 

I hope you get through this Socks, it feels important that you do...

[smellysocksuni]

Socks, wake up call buddy!

 

Step back from the edge, you will end up in hospital at this rate!!!

 

Though I have not said much I,m in the same place as you. I,m the one leaving tomorrow and heading straight into the NC pond, believe me mate she is not healthy for you in any shape or form.

 

Except that there are girls (and boys as well, Don,t wanna be sexist) that will never appreciate you, no matter what you do, no matter what you say, It,s just totally un fixable!

 

If you look at it closely you don,t want her to have relationships with other men whilst you are in a relationship with her. The mere fact that she can jump into other relationships so quickly is a sign you should wake up quickly.

 

I,m leaving where I am tomorrow, I won't except it and a relationship should truely be between 2 people, I,ve been through the mill, stepped over the edge twice and been to hospital once. You don,t wanna go to hospital Socks, you need to find the inner strength fast...I know none of this will make sense because it doesn,t make any sense to me, but only you have any sort of control over yourself now, stay close to friends, and stay close to family, there love to you is genuine. I,m not going to fall over the edge for a third time, I,m going to face my own damn insecurities and it,s her loss.

 

Thinking of you Socks, good luck. I will try to keep up to speed with the thread but tomorrow I have not sorted out anywhere to live. But I,m going and will never come back to her!

 

And as for time. I will just spend as much of that finding out what I,m really about and looking at my own insecurities. Once I have achieved that the next relationship I ever get into will only ever be with myself. I guess all this has killed whatever trust I had left, and staying in the relationship for me otherwise will only be a negative outcome for me.

 

I hope you get through this Socks, it feels important that you do...

 

Hello mate,

 

Thank you for your reply. I do feel like I'm probably heading in the wrong direction, I do need to find inner strength. It's a question of finding it, hopefully I will in time. I will make it through this, I will.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation - I don't know what your story is but what's this about you finding somewhere to live? Are you just leaving a relationship now? Sorry, I hope you don't mind all the questions.

 

You're right as well - if she can just jump from one to the next, she isn't worth it. Not at all.

 

Keep me updated with your story please, mate.

 

Good luck

[mightycpa]

You know, I read your letter, and it smacks of some insincere altruistic bull****. I think you need to get real if you're going to write these letters you're not going to send. Strip away all of the bull****, and deal with what you're feeling, not what you think you're supposed to feel. You're happy for her? You haven't felt happy in a long time. **** that. Say what you mean. Here's my stab at it

"Hi,

 

I wrote you this against my better judgment, because deep down inside, I want you to know you how really ****ed up I am without you. I'm trying my hardest not to give a ****, but I still do, this isn't easy for me. But I'm working on it, and in my head, I hope that one day soon I can catch up to you, and feel about you the way you feel about me. That would be so sweet.

 

But my heart? My heart is a stubborn bastard that can't let go, despite all the evidence that it should. I feel so conflicted. I know what's best for me, but I still don't believe it deep down inside. I think the worst part is not really believing what I know to be the truth. I think the only way that makes sense to someone is if they've ever had their heart truly broken.

 

Nothing hurts quite as exquisitely as loving someone who no longer loves you back. I wouldn't wish this on anybody, not even you.

 

It was fun while it lasted, wasn't it? My memories of us are spoiled for now. I want it to be like it was, but those memories bring me no joy. Like I said, conflicted. I guess I still haven't changed my mind about you is what it all boils down to. I need to figure out how to do that.

 

Don't you dare ****ing pity me. I'll be OK soon."

 

Is that any closer, or did you really mean that stuff before? It just didn't sound quite right to me, so I thought you could use a gut check. You'll get through it a lot faster if you deal directly with what you actually feel. It is surprisingly difficult to get to the nub of it.