Close to breaking NC

[smellysocksuni]

The reason you check it is the same reason everyone else does it. You want to keep that attachment, so you don't have to fully accept that it's over. People keep all kinds of meaningless attachments to their exes, but all it does is delay the grieving process. I also think it's a distraction, so you don't have to feel the pain of grief. Social media is such a curse because it gives you a way to have an artificial connection to someone.

 

I know you don't want to check it. I believe you when you say that, but it's difficult to face the grief. I know what it's like to get up everyday and say that you are done with this person, but then loose your resolve. Unfortunately, there are no excuses, and the only way to move on it so simply force yourself to cut off the social media and feel the pain. That's the only advice any of us can give you. I'm not here to judge or make you feel bad because, trust me, I made plenty of mistakes before going NC. But you really have to be willing to help yourself when it comes to social media.

 

I just really miss her, to be honest.

[dyna85]

I just really miss her, to be honest.

 

It's early on, so it's normal to feel this way. Give it time. Someone else wrote about the chemicals of attachment taking time to loosen their grip on you. Therefore, you need to give it time, and I agree with the others that a primary goal of yours right now should be true NC - no snooping on social media. That s--- will hurt you, especially early on, because it's akin to stabbing the already raw wound, again and again.

 

Do ANYTHING but check. Literally, take a shower, read, write, go for a walk, go for a drive, watch tv... there are SO many alternatives when you feel that urge. Force yourself to stop. Your muscle memory will grow stronger and the urges will decrease. Trust me on this. However, like the others have commented, it requires commitment.

 

It's in your hands, this healing process. You can choose to help yourself or continue to hurt yourself further. You make the choice.

[BC1980]

I just really miss her, to be honest.

 

You don't need to obsessively check social media because you miss her. Missing the good times is normal and healthy, but checking social media doesn't deal with the grief of missing her. It doesn't help you process the memories and move forward. It keeps you linked to the past and unable to move forward with your life. You have to find a way to live with missing her, and eventually you will get to a place where you don't miss her that much.

 

Did you read the books I mentioned? If anything, you can read the Baggage Reclaim site for free. There's so much good information on there about how to grieve and move on from a terrible breakup.

[smellysocksuni]

You don't need to obsessively check social media because you miss her. Missing the good times is normal and healthy, but checking social media doesn't deal with the grief of missing her. It doesn't help you process the memories and move forward. It keeps you linked to the past and unable to move forward with your life. You have to find a way to live with missing her, and eventually you will get to a place where you don't miss her that much.

 

Did you read the books I mentioned? If anything, you can read the Baggage Reclaim site for free. There's so much good information on there about how to grieve and move on from a terrible breakup.

 

Of course, all it's doing is making me cling to her, what she's doing, what does that facial expression mean, and repeat. I realise that it's making me unhappy, and how unhealthy it all is which is a good thing. I recognise I need to let it go. I'm still not ready to break that attachment, despite it being totally meaningless. I will check out Baggage Reclaim some more, and find a way to practise letting go...

[Jimmyjackson]

Of course, all it's doing is making me cling to her, what she's doing, what does that facial expression mean, and repeat. I realise that it's making me unhappy, and how unhealthy it all is which is a good thing. I recognise I need to let it go. I'm still not ready to break that attachment, despite it being totally meaningless. I will check out Baggage Reclaim some more, and find a way to practise letting go...

 

The fact you know it is good. In all honesty, if that's the worst thing you're doing at the minute then it's not too bad. You could be actually speaking to her which would be bad.

 

Try bring it down in stages, if you feel the need to look then do it once a day, then try once a week etc...

[smellysocksuni]

The fact you know it is good. In all honesty, if that's the worst thing you're doing at the minute then it's not too bad. You could be actually speaking to her which would be bad.

 

Try bring it down in stages, if you feel the need to look then do it once a day, then try once a week etc...

 

Oh no, I'm not talking to her. She's always been someone that maintains she is a private person, and has never uploaded pictures of her and her partners anywhere because of her career - yet she's uploaded two pictures of her and two different people... She knows I'll probably be looking, and I think she's doing it to provoke a reaction as she hasn't heard from me in two weeks now. But anyway - you see?! This is the kind of silly overthinking I'm doing. It's getting on my nerves!! But no, I just want to go cold turkey, to be honest.

 

Maybe I should carry a book around with me so that I just stay off my phone

[Jimmyjackson]

Oh no, I'm not talking to her. She's always been someone that maintains she is a private person, and has never uploaded pictures of her and her partners anywhere because of her career - yet she's uploaded two pictures of her and two different people... She knows I'll probably be looking, and I think she's doing it to provoke a reaction as she hasn't heard from me in two weeks now. But anyway - you see?! This is the kind of silly overthinking I'm doing. It's getting on my nerves!! But no, I just want to go cold turkey, to be honest.

 

Maybe I should carry a book around with me so that I just stay off my phone

 

Yeah I know what you mean, but just don't react that's all I say. If you see something you don't like, then cry your eyes out, punch your pillows...whatever. Just don't reach out to her, logically speaking you're no longer together, she can do as she pleases.

[smellysocksuni]

Yeah I know what you mean, but just don't react that's all I say. If you see something you don't like, then cry your eyes out, punch your pillows...whatever. Just don't reach out to her, logically speaking you're no longer together, she can do as she pleases.

 

I would never contact her... never. Yep, she can do whatever she wants, I don't even feel jealous anymore. I just feel a bit obsesses tbh. I just wanna kick this damn Instagram thing.

[BC1980]

The fact you know it is good. In all honesty, if that's the worst thing you're doing at the minute then it's not too bad. You could be actually speaking to her which would be bad.

 

Try bring it down in stages, if you feel the need to look then do it once a day, then try once a week etc...

 

I have to disagree. From my time on LS, it seems that social media is one of the most detrimental stumbling blocks in recovery. The people that come here years later and can't get over an ex are usually the ones who keep checking social media. The really bad thing about social media is that you can have unlimited access to your ex 24/7, and it serves as a distraction to working through the grief. Social media stalking is also anonymous, so you can do it all you want. You may not be calling and texting your ex 24/7, but you can have a window into their life all day long with social media. Most people will eventually stop contacting an ex because the ex likely won't be that receptive, and it's embarrassing. Not so with social media.

 

I also don't recommend weaning it down because it will never be enough. You are more likely to end up obsessed with getting to look at it once a day and focus on that. Just take it away completely.

[smellysocksuni]

I have to disagree. From my time on LS, it seems that social media is one of the most detrimental stumbling blocks in recovery. The people that come here years later and can't get over an ex are usually the ones who keep checking social media. The really bad thing about social media is that you can have unlimited access to your ex 24/7, and it serves as a distraction to working through the grief. Social media stalking is also anonymous, so you can do it all you want. You may not be calling and texting your ex 24/7, but you can have a window into their life all day long with social media. Most people will eventually stop contacting an ex because the ex likely won't be that receptive, and it's embarrassing. Not so with social media.

 

I also don't recommend weaning it down because it will never be enough. You are more likely to end up obsessed with getting to look at it once a day and focus on that. Just take it away completely.

 

This is it, you've nailed it. Your ex isn't gonna know you're looking at 2am, lying in bed... there's no shame, no guilt. You don't look stupid, you're not annoying anyone! Really going to try my hardest to perhaps break it down day by day... seeing her sitting in coffee shops with someone else didn't make me feel good at all.

[Jimmyjackson]

I have to disagree. From my time on LS, it seems that social media is one of the most detrimental stumbling blocks in recovery. The people that come here years later and can't get over an ex are usually the ones who keep checking social media. The really bad thing about social media is that you can have unlimited access to your ex 24/7, and it serves as a distraction to working through the grief. Social media stalking is also anonymous, so you can do it all you want. You may not be calling and texting your ex 24/7, but you can have a window into their life all day long with social media. Most people will eventually stop contacting an ex because the ex likely won't be that receptive, and it's embarrassing. Not so with social media.

 

I also don't recommend weaning it down because it will never be enough. You are more likely to end up obsessed with getting to look at it once a day and focus on that. Just take it away completely.

 

Well...forget I said anything haha. I agree with this 100%

[smellysocksuni]

Most of all, I just wish she hadn't broken up with me. A day before she left she was wrapping individual Christmas presents she'd bought for my whole family. I STILL don't get it, and it's probably why I'm finding it hard to let go. I still don't get it. Some days I do want to reach out to her, break through that tough exterior she's put up, ask, "why?" - she said she was unhappy, but what? I sensed no unhappiness from her. I don't understand it. I'm still hurting and still miss her. We made future plans, and then she went off and signed up to some stupid dating app, got attention and ran off. Nothing had happened in our RS, it was just mundane - but I loved her and I thought she loved me. I'm sorry I know we've been through all this I'm just venting.

 

It's no wonder I keep holding on, and having hope. No wonder I want to reach out to her. I can't get my head around this at all and I just want answers from her.

Edited March 27, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[hunk]

Regarding your post above. I'm 23 and I feel as though I've already learned one of the most important lessons i'll ever learn about relationships and women in general.

 

Relationships take work and effort. A mundane relationship doesn't cut it. It might be nice and convenient for us. Something that's easy and comfortable. We think "everything's great, this is fine". No woman wants this. Hell, deep down we don't even want this. We can be blinded into thinking everything is great and then completely shocked when we're dumped. The reality is the relationship sucked, we were going through the motions (despite treating our partner well) and we were doing nothing to keep things interesting nor making our partner feel special or worthy of a special and interesting relationship. If you feel like your relationship was "fine" and you can't see why this happened, I can almost promise she was bored and checked out.

 

Women take work. From your posts you sound like you lack confidence and self assurance. This would have slowly eaten away at the attraction in your relationship, to the point where it affected your ability to maintain the necessary dynamic needed in your relationship to keep your ex interested in you and wanting to stay in a relationship with you. This is just human. Work on yourself, and try to (like i've been trying to do) hammer the reality in that complacency and taking anything for granted will eventually destroy whatever it is you're being complacent towards and taking for granted.

[smellysocksuni]

Regarding your post above. I'm 23 and I feel as though I've already learned one of the most important lessons i'll ever learn about relationships and women in general.

 

Relationships take work and effort. A mundane relationship doesn't cut it. It might be nice and convenient for us. Something that's easy and comfortable. We think "everything's great, this is fine". No woman wants this. Hell, deep down we don't even want this. We can be blinded into thinking everything is great and then completely shocked when we're dumped. The reality is the relationship sucked, we were going through the motions (despite treating our partner well) and we were doing nothing to keep things interesting nor making our partner feel special or worthy of a special and interesting relationship. If you feel like your relationship was "fine" and you can't see why this happened, I can almost promise she was bored and checked out.

 

Women take work. From your posts you sound like you lack confidence and self assurance. This would have slowly eaten away at the attraction in your relationship, to the point where it affected your ability to maintain the necessary dynamic needed in your relationship to keep your ex interested in you and wanting to stay in a relationship with you. This is just human. Work on yourself, and try to (like i've been trying to do) hammer the reality in that complacency and taking anything for granted will eventually destroy whatever it is you're being complacent towards and taking for granted.

 

 

Hey...

 

Yeah, I do lack confidence... her personality was a dominant one too, so that made me shrink back into myself even more. She always maintained that she was happy - she was a homebody, like me - we had our little routines that I thought we BOTH loved, I had no reason to suspect she was bored. If I'd suggest going out for date nights or anything, she wouldn't want to and would prefer to stay in. I don't know.... I know she checked out, got bored. She'd always tell me she didn't care about money or adventure, she hated travelling, just wanted to cuddle up with me and the cat on the sofa most nights - that's what she'd tell me. So I had no choice but to believe her when she said it.

 

We also had a very similar, rare sense of humour, an interest in similar topics and things that I know she couldn't just talk about with anyone else... there were many binding factors. Perhaps it's just me that saw things this way, because she said she was unhappy, and "miserable" - but never once told me or bought it up and give me the chance to fix it. Just left. Even now, three months after break up I still have feelings for her - I want to talk to her, but obviously NC. I just... I don't know.

 

I have just sat here and typed out an email to her but I ended up deleting it. I have learnt so much about relationships, now. Obviously, that particular one has run it's course and I have no desire to break NC but I do just wish she'd reach out to me - again, I don't know why.

Edited March 27, 2015 by smellysocksuni

[Simon Phoenix]

I have to disagree. From my time on LS, it seems that social media is one of the most detrimental stumbling blocks in recovery. The people that come here years later and can't get over an ex are usually the ones who keep checking social media. The really bad thing about social media is that you can have unlimited access to your ex 24/7, and it serves as a distraction to working through the grief. Social media stalking is also anonymous, so you can do it all you want. You may not be calling and texting your ex 24/7, but you can have a window into their life all day long with social media. Most people will eventually stop contacting an ex because the ex likely won't be that receptive, and it's embarrassing. Not so with social media.

 

I also don't recommend weaning it down because it will never be enough. You are more likely to end up obsessed with getting to look at it once a day and focus on that. Just take it away completely.

 

I have to agree with this. You wouldn't tell an alcoholic to just have one drink, so telling a person who is addicted to snooping on their ex to snoop, but not as much, doesn't exactly help. The OP is going to have to be an adult at some point and exhibit some self-control. I know what I just typed sounds dismissive and insulting, but the more she cuts corners on No Contact, the more she stays in the muck.

[smellysocksuni]

I have to agree with this. You wouldn't tell an alcoholic to just have one drink, so telling a person who is addicted to snooping on their ex to snoop, but not as much, doesn't exactly help. The OP is going to have to be an adult at some point and exhibit some self-control. I know what I just typed sounds dismissive and insulting, but the more she cuts corners on No Contact, the more she stays in the muck.

 

No - I think the bluntness is what I need to hear, Simon. You're right. Before I know it, it will be Christmas and I'll still be sitting here, lamenting over some silly picture. You're right. It's about self-control.

[hunk]

Hey...

 

Yeah, I do lack confidence... her personality was a dominant one too, so that made me shrink back into myself even more. She always maintained that she was happy - she was a homebody, like me - we had our little routines that I thought we BOTH loved, I had no reason to suspect she was bored. If I'd suggest going out for date nights or anything, she wouldn't want to and would prefer to stay in. I don't know.... I know she checked out, got bored. She'd always tell me she didn't care about money or adventure, she hated travelling, just wanted to cuddle up with me and the cat on the sofa most nights - that's what she'd tell me. So I had no choice but to believe her when she said it.

 

We also had a very similar, rare sense of humour, an interest in similar topics and things that I know she couldn't just talk about with anyone else... there were many binding factors. Perhaps it's just me that saw things this way, because she said she was unhappy, and "miserable" - but never once told me or bought it up and give me the chance to fix it. Just left. Even now, three months after break up I still have feelings for her - I want to talk to her, but obviously NC. I just... I don't know.

 

I have just sat here and typed out an email to her but I ended up deleting it. I have learnt so much about relationships, now. Obviously, that particular one has run it's course and I have no desire to break NC but I do just wish she'd reach out to me - again, I don't know why.

 

 

I feel you man. I've been with a girl who sounded exactly the same. She insisted on not wanting to do normal "couple" things and would rather just sit around hanging out. What i've come to realize is this isn't what they want. They think it is, and they say it is, but it isn't. Every woman wants romance and spontaneity. I PROMISE. Sure, staying in together and keeping things routine is fine for the most part, but to keep things interesting we HAVE to take control and shake things up. If you feel like going out but she wants to sit around on the couch, and you've done this for 4 out of the 7 nights of the week already, tell her "we're going out, get ready". If you both have the day off, have something planned. My longest relationship was with a girl during a period where I had just lost my mother and I was bat**** insane. I would come to her house at all hours and take her to the beach and teach her how to drive while I would piss out the window and we would just laugh hysterically. I would ring her randomly at 4am. One time we had a fight and I climbed on her roof and let myself in through her window because she locked the door. This was balanced by many, many nights and days of doing nothing and staying in. But something inside me told me "this isn't how things should be, even i'm getting bored with this" so I would just look to surprise her whenever i could.

 

Her being miserable is a product of being unhappy in both the relationship and with herself. You already know what you've gotta do here, that i'm sure. I'm writing these posts just as food for thought for your next relationship. Maybe they can help in some way.

[smellysocksuni]

I don't think I can go any further with this NC. I am finding it incredibly difficult. I do all the distractions etc but all I can think about is her. Is it supposed to be this hard?

[KBarletta]

I don't think I can go any further with this NC. I am finding it incredibly difficult. I do all the distractions etc but all I can think about is her. Is it supposed to be this hard?

 

It's hard, yes. Maybe the hardest thing there is to do. But as hard as NC is, breaking it only makes things that much harder in the end. What would you accomplish by giving in to this feeling? Most likely, nothing, except to delay your recovery.

[smellysocksuni]

It's hard, yes. Maybe the hardest thing there is to do. But as hard as NC is, breaking it only makes things that much harder in the end. What would you accomplish by giving in to this feeling? Most likely, nothing, except to delay your recovery.

 

Nothing would be accomplished, no. I have it all written down in front of me - contacting her after the way I was dumped would make me look needy, insecure, unattractive. I know that what looks better is silence and no contact. Why would I want to snivel and grovel after someone who has no respect for me? But yet, my other feelings won't go away.

[na49]

I don't think I can go any further with this NC. I am finding it incredibly difficult. I do all the distractions etc but all I can think about is her. Is it supposed to be this hard?

 

It isn't a crime to break NC. Staying NC is supposed to help you avoid feeling sh*tty. Go ahead and break it if you want. No one can stop you. (or me, or anyone) What do you want to tell your ex anyway though? Isn't she seeing someone new?

[smellysocksuni]

It isn't a crime to break NC. Staying NC is supposed to help you avoid feeling sh*tty. Go ahead and break it if you want. No one can stop you. (or me, or anyone) What do you want to tell your ex anyway though? Isn't she seeing someone new?

 

Yeah, she is. I think. She uploaded two pictures which appear to be two different people so I don't think she's actually "with" anyone, as it were. I don't know. I don't want to break it. I don't want her to be right, and tell her friends and laugh at me. I want to look strong. But at the same time - we didn't just date, we lived together. Sure, the break up was bad but it was a serious relationship. Surely she hasn't just forgotten EVERYTHING? Surely she must miss me to some degree?

 

Also, there is no way for her to contact me, so I'm not to know if she's tried or not. Maybe she has.

[na49]

Yeah, she is. I think. She uploaded two pictures which appear to be two different people so I don't think she's actually "with" anyone, as it were. I don't know. I don't want to break it. I don't want her to be right, and tell her friends and laugh at me. I want to look strong. But at the same time - we didn't just date, we lived together. Sure, the break up was bad but it was a serious relationship. Surely she hasn't just forgotten EVERYTHING? Surely she must miss me to some degree?

 

Also, there is no way for her to contact me, so I'm not to know if she's tried or not. Maybe she has.

 

Well divorce is a thing. People get married, have kids, and STILL split up. So yeah you living together is serious, but it doesn't make you immune to breaking up. She definitely hasn't forgotten everything, and she might miss you at times. She also may have tried to contact you, but maybe didn't have anything important enough to say so she didn't try getting through your blocks.

[smellysocksuni]

Well divorce is a thing. People get married, have kids, and STILL split up. So yeah you living together is serious, but it doesn't make you immune to breaking up. She definitely hasn't forgotten everything, and she might miss you at times. She also may have tried to contact you, but maybe didn't have anything important enough to say so she didn't try getting through your blocks.

 

This is my first adult relationship, and my first break up. I have no idea what I'm doing from one day to the next, and probably also why I can't comprehend what's happening. I don't know - I just miss her in general. I don't know. If I did contact her it'd probably just be a "hey" or something. I don't know.

[Smokeshow]

A "hey" would be the worst thing you could do if you broke NC. You have to be confident about yourself so that when you do it you're not coming across as a pathetic loser (no offense). I broke NC after a little more than 5 months but I also had the mindset that if she didn't respond I would be ok with that. I'm not sure you're at that point right now. You have to feel confident about yourself when doing it or you will just set yourself back