Close to breaking NC

[smellysocksuni]

Because it's common to demonize someone you dumped to justify it. You see that a lot with cheaters. They say the relationship was so bad that their partner forced them to cheat. You see it with abuse. The abuser will say that their partner deserved the abuse or pushed them to to the breaking point and made the abuse inevitable. It's all about not taking responsibility for one's own actions and painting the other person as the scapegoat. Most of us do have problems admitting fault at times or taking responsibility, but really narcissistic, unhealthy people take it to an extreme.

 

It says more about your ex than you that she threatened to call the police. She clearly aggrandized your actions in an attempt to make you look bad because it makes her feel justified that she dumped you. The best thing to do is just stay away from her. Don't worry about her reasons. She is likely the type that will turn on you as quickly she falls in love. I think you also have to be careful to be honest with yourself about your role in the relationship. I made my fair share of mistakes in my relationship, but I wasn't really able to see my ex objectively for about a year. It also took me that long to understand my role in everything.

 

I think the most healthy approach to any of this is to realize that we are all fallible, and we all make mistakes. None of us were perfect in our relationships, and neither were our exes. Just move on with you life, and be the best person you can be. Have a limit or a bottom line of behavior that you won't tolerate in a relationship. My biggest mistake was having no limit to what I would take, which set me up for what ultimately unfolded.

 

Be careful about being honest with myself?

 

 

Yes, it says a lot about her. She threatened to call them when I told her I was getting rid of her stuff after the break up.

 

 

It's taking me a while to understand this break up, but I'm slowly getting there. It has actually shaken me to the core, and when I think about the actual break up I sometimes suffer a panic attack. It was such a horrendous experience, that now I think I'm trying to get over the break up rather than her as a person.

 

 

If she would have just sat me down and said look, I'm unhappy, I want us to part amicably. Do people actually do that? The way she broke up with me, the behaviour after - it's shaken me.

 

 

I know I'm being repetitive. I experience great loneliness, now. I'm staying at my aunt's again this weekend but I've realised that this isn't my life - I'm at someone else's house, living by their routines. I am so angry that I had my OWN person, and it was just taken away from me. Now she's off with someone else, being happy and not caring about the turmoil she left me in. That was when she called the police, when I tried to explain all this to her. She said that she wasn't a "lifeline" and that she's "not that person" anymore. When a few weeks before that she was wrapping Xmas presents for my entire family. Right.

 

 

I've got no problem with people leaving someone if they're unhappy but wow. Just wow. Do it the right way, will you? I'm a mess because of her.

[Simon Phoenix]

Be careful about being honest with myself?

 

 

Yes, it says a lot about her. She threatened to call them when I told her I was getting rid of her stuff after the break up.

 

 

It's taking me a while to understand this break up, but I'm slowly getting there. It has actually shaken me to the core, and when I think about the actual break up I sometimes suffer a panic attack. It was such a horrendous experience, that now I think I'm trying to get over the break up rather than her as a person.

 

 

If she would have just sat me down and said look, I'm unhappy, I want us to part amicably. Do people actually do that? The way she broke up with me, the behaviour after - it's shaken me.

 

 

I know I'm being repetitive. I experience great loneliness, now. I'm staying at my aunt's again this weekend but I've realised that this isn't my life - I'm at someone else's house, living by their routines. I am so angry that I had my OWN person, and it was just taken away from me. Now she's off with someone else, being happy and not caring about the turmoil she left me in. That was when she called the police, when I tried to explain all this to her. She said that she wasn't a "lifeline" and that she's "not that person" anymore. When a few weeks before that she was wrapping Xmas presents for my entire family. Right.

 

 

I've got no problem with people leaving someone if they're unhappy but wow. Just wow. Do it the right way, will you? I'm a mess because of her.

 

I think the whole "right way" stuff is a way for the dumpee to rationalize hanging on. There's no good way to break up with someone -- no one in the history of this Earth has said "Even though you've completely broken and shattered my heart, thank you for breaking up with me in a nice way!" No, a "nice" breakup would have screwed you up as bad, if not worse, because it gives you hope that there's possibility of a reconciliation because they were so "nice" about it.

 

You'd be in a mess either way. Don't pretend like her being "nice" about the breakup would cause some magical change in how you are handling it. That's not true in the least. If anything, you'd be confused "How can she be so nice to me and answer my texts but not want to be with me?" You'd be asking stuff like that instead.

 

Personally, I'd rather someone break up to me in a "mean" way than a nice way for two reasons. 1) I know that they truly mean it and that it really is truly over and 2) I can say "well, if that's the way you want to roll, f--k you!" and move forward quicker.

 

I think you're still holding on to straws because you are afraid to move forward. This is just the latest one.

[Simon Phoenix]

No, I know all this - I was just more shocked that she would threaten something like that to me, of all people.

 

Why? You're an ex who keeps badgering her from her point of view.

[smellysocksuni]

I think the whole "right way" stuff is a way for the dumpee to rationalize hanging on. There's no good way to break up with someone -- no one in the history of this Earth has said "Even though you've completely broken and shattered my heart, thank you for breaking up with me in a nice way!" No, a "nice" breakup would have screwed you up as bad, if not worse, because it gives you hope that there's possibility of a reconciliation because they were so "nice" about it.

 

You'd be in a mess either way. Don't pretend like her being "nice" about the breakup would cause some magical change in how you are handling it. That's not true in the least. If anything, you'd be confused "How can she be so nice to me and answer my texts but not want to be with me?" You'd be asking stuff like that instead.

 

Personally, I'd rather someone break up to me in a "mean" way than a nice way for two reasons. 1) I know that they truly mean it and that it really is truly over and 2) I can say "well, if that's the way you want to roll, f--k you!" and move forward quicker.

 

I think you're still holding on to straws because you are afraid to move forward. This is just the latest one.

 

I am afraid to move forward, Simon. I've been totally crushed. I am terrified of life. I hate to be all self-pity but since I lost my mum, I have been lost. She came into my life and helped me in so many ways - promised she would never leave. My trust is broken. Not only did she leave but she wants nothing to do with me? What did I do wrong? Nothing. I just got in the way of her and her new relationship. I finally had my OWN unit after so many years of sitting on the fringes, of sitting watching other people be happy together and have fun - I had my OWN person to come home to, to moan to, to go to the supermarket with. And now, I don't. I felt lonely before I had her, but now it's just something else, something totally off the scale.

[smellysocksuni]

Why? You're an ex who keeps badgering her from her point of view.

 

Because of all the things she made me believe about her and I.

[Simon Phoenix]

I am afraid to move forward, Simon. I've been totally crushed. I am terrified of life. I hate to be all self-pity but since I lost my mum, I have been lost. She came into my life and helped me in so many ways - promised she would never leave. My trust is broken. Not only did she leave but she wants nothing to do with me? What did I do wrong? Nothing. I just got in the way of her and her new relationship. I finally had my OWN unit after so many years of sitting on the fringes, of sitting watching other people be happy together and have fun - I had my OWN person to come home to, to moan to, to go to the supermarket with. And now, I don't. I felt lonely before I had her, but now it's just something else, something totally off the scale.

 

Well, i think this is a lesson to you -- don't base your happiness solely on the presence of others. You were vulnerable when your mom died and you just translated all that neediness to your ex. Sounds like she got tired of it.

 

Now, I'm sure there's a ton wrong with her. But you can't control that and you can't make her correct that. You need to focus on you. You need to find something, anything, that you can be proud of on your own that doesn't involve another person. If you do that, you'll find a healthier, more give-and-take relationship with the next person and not be so reliant on them to support you. You can support each other, which is what a relationship is.

[Simon Phoenix]

Because of all the things she made me believe about her and I.

 

People change their minds about things. Once you're broken up with someone, everything that was stated before is null and void. Pretend like your relationship is a computer file. Once it's over, that file is moved into the recycle bin and can't be accessed unless the person who deleted it (the dumper) decides to undelete it. Everything she told you is moot now. All you are doing by holding on to it is preventing yourself from starting a new file or backing up your hard drive.

[BlackbirdSong]

If she would have just sat me down and said look, I'm unhappy, I want us to part amicably. Do people actually do that? The way she broke up with me, the behaviour after - it's shaken me.

 

I've got no problem with people leaving someone if they're unhappy but wow. Just wow. Do it the right way, will you? I'm a mess because of her.

 

My ex did exactly this (via text and phone conversation). She said she was unhappy and that I need to get my **** together and there are things she needed to work on for herself. Then it was over.

 

Believe me, it still hurts like a bitch and as you know, i'm not coping too well. I guess it doesn't matter how the break up happens, it's still going to be miserable.

 

Then she goes and hooks up with another guy....

[smellysocksuni]

Well, i think this is a lesson to you -- don't base your happiness solely on the presence of others. You were vulnerable when your mom died and you just translated all that neediness to your ex. Sounds like she got tired of it.

 

Now, I'm sure there's a ton wrong with her. But you can't control that and you can't make her correct that. You need to focus on you. You need to find something, anything, that you can be proud of on your own that doesn't involve another person. If you do that, you'll find a healthier, more give-and-take relationship with the next person and not be so reliant on them to support you. You can support each other, which is what a relationship is.

 

I've learnt that lesson, definitely. I hate being on my own - I struggle with it so much. I just wanted someone that wouldn't leave but I guess that's a problem in itself, right.

 

 

I agree, I have always wanted to become a self assured person with my own set of interests etc etc. I just don't know where to start, what to do, where to turn. I feel like I need guidance. But obviously I have to do it on my own, that's what you're gonna tell me, right?

[Simon Phoenix]

I've learnt that lesson, definitely. I hate being on my own - I struggle with it so much. I just wanted someone that wouldn't leave but I guess that's a problem in itself, right.

 

That's a huge problem.

 

I agree, I have always wanted to become a self assured person with my own set of interests etc etc. I just don't know where to start, what to do, where to turn. I feel like I need guidance. But obviously I have to do it on my own, that's what you're gonna tell me, right?

 

You should pick up a hobby, join a club, go to meetup.com or something similar, find an activity or group you're interested in, and start going. You have to be active -- sitting on your ass and wishing for things to get better won't get you where you need to go.

 

And you say you need a job, get that taken care of as well. Even if it's something temporary, you need money in your pocket, stuff to do, and a purpose.

 

None of this is easy. Most things worth doing aren't. But the payoff will be huge if you actually stick with it. But no more "woe is me" crap. Yes, you suffered a big break, but people suffer through things every day and keep working and living. So can you.

[smellysocksuni]

That's a huge problem.

 

 

 

You should pick up a hobby, join a club, go to meetup.com or something similar, find an activity or group you're interested in, and start going. You have to be active -- sitting on your ass and wishing for things to get better won't get you where you need to go.

 

And you say you need a job, get that taken care of as well. Even if it's something temporary, you need money in your pocket, stuff to do, and a purpose.

 

None of this is easy. Most things worth doing aren't. But the payoff will be huge if you actually stick with it. But no more "woe is me" crap. Yes, you suffered a big break, but people suffer through things every day and keep working and living. So can you.

 

The first thing on my list, well things - fitness and work. I've been applying for work here and there.

 

 

I know. You see I know all these things. I don't know why I don't do any of it. OK. Well look, it's Monday soon. A fresh week, a new start. You're right. Nothing is going to knock at my door, is it.

[Simon Phoenix]

The first thing on my list, well things - fitness and work. I've been applying for work here and there.

 

 

I know. You see I know all these things. I don't know why I don't do any of it. OK. Well look, it's Monday soon. A fresh week, a new start. You're right. Nothing is going to knock at my door, is it.

 

Nope. You have to be active in your life. I know you aren't American, but in our Declaration of Independence, it says that Americans have the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Notice that they don't come out and say Happiness, they say the Pursuit of it. Because you have to Pursue it, it's not just going to happen due to magic and fairytales.

[smellysocksuni]

Nope. You have to be active in your life. I know you aren't American, but in our Declaration of Independence, it says that Americans have the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. Notice that they don't come out and say Happiness, they say the Pursuit of it. Because you have to Pursue it, it's not just going to happen due to magic and fairytales.

 

Being active in life is something that's always scared me - I don't know why. I've never done it! But...I think now is the right time. Well, I don't think it is, it IS the right time. When I think about it, this break up did shake me, but it also made me realise several things about my life. Things I have to change. It's been a painful lesson.

[Simon Phoenix]

Being active in life is something that's always scared me - I don't know why. I've never done it! But...I think now is the right time. Well, I don't think it is, it IS the right time. When I think about it, this break up did shake me, but it also made me realise several things about my life. Things I have to change. It's been a painful lesson.

 

I said this in another thread, but usually the biggest changes and improvements one can make result from loss, pain, or other setbacks. No one learns when everything is hunky-dory because they are so busy being hunky-dory. But when the chips are down is when you truly take inventory of your life.

 

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has flaws. My goal is not to let the same mistake beat me twice. Every major breakup I've had in my life has helped me improve as a person. The breakup that brought me here has eventually helped me become more fiscally secure and responsible, healthier -- I'm down 50 pounds -- and more confident and secure in myself. And I've done it completely for me, my ex has no clue about any of this and, honestly, isn't the reason for it. I just felt bad and was looking for ways to feel better about my life in general. So far it's worked.

[BC1980]

If she would have just sat me down and said look, I'm unhappy, I want us to part amicably. Do people actually do that? The way she broke up with me, the behaviour after - it's shaken me.

 

My last ex broke up with me in a "nice" way. It doesn't matter. He actually probably broke up with me in as nice a way possible, but it's never going to be nice. You are never going to part on good terms. It just doesn't work like that. The message is the problem, so sugar coating it in some "nice" way doesn't change what the person is saying.

 

Several years ago, I had a guy ghost on me after we dated for about 4 months. He literally disappeared on me, and I never got in explanation. To this day, I have no clue what happened, but, one day, he blocked my email and phone number. It was truly so bizarre, but it didn't matter in the end. If anything, it helped me move on faster. I asked a mutual acquaintance if he was okay and if she thought I should say anything, but she said not to try to contact him because is was not emotionally stable and did stuff like this.

[smellysocksuni]

Hey everyone - thank you the last few replies, I really appreciate them.

 

Well, unfortunately I did break NC the other day, I think it was Sunday (I can't even remember!) I sent some insincere email about having had a crepe that day and it reminded me of her, blah blah blah.

 

She didn't reply - I wasn't expecting her to, so no biggie. Immediately after that, I cried and was crying all night. But the next day I woke up, and I suddenly felt like I accepted that she was gone - I don't know how to really explain the feeling, but it was there and it's still there.

 

I had several reasons for contacting her... Because it had been three weeks since we spoke, I wanted to see if the dust had settled... I wanted to see if she had missed me in any aspect, and perhaps because I just wanted to talk to her. Anyway, I'm glad she didn't reply. It made me realise and finally got it through to my thick skull that she doesn't care, she's gone, moved on, doesn't give a ****.

 

Since then, all my urges have died down. I don't even want to check her Instagram, and I have nothing but pity for her, really. I feel very strong inside. I have excitement thinking about the future. I sometimes feel sad about her but it passes and it's manageable, now. I can move my mind on to other things and carry on through it. It no longer consumes my whole body, my whole being.

 

So I guess, I feel a whole lot better.

[lumberjac]

glad you are feeling better, but dont break NC again, it doesn't help the situation, doesn't help you heal, and certainly won't change her mind.

 

imagine the person you break up with send you a random email about a crepe, would you reply?

"ah I've not had a crepe in ages, I'll get one soon thanks for reminding me!"

[smellysocksuni]

glad you are feeling better, but dont break NC again, it doesn't help the situation, doesn't help you heal, and certainly won't change her mind.

 

imagine the person you break up with send you a random email about a crepe, would you reply?

"ah I've not had a crepe in ages, I'll get one soon thanks for reminding me!"

 

Haha, no, I know. It was more of a test email, just to see what would happen - there were other things in there too, I just wanted to see what would happen and now I know. I wouldn't dream of breaking NC again, trust me. I bounced back very quickly from it, though. It made me realise just how much healing I have done.

[Simon Phoenix]

Haha, no, I know. It was more of a test email, just to see what would happen - there were other things in there too, I just wanted to see what would happen and now I know. I wouldn't dream of breaking NC again, trust me. I bounced back very quickly from it, though. It made me realise just how much healing I have done.

 

Yeah, that was pretty bad. I truly hope you won't do it again.

[smellysocksuni]

Yeah, that was pretty bad. I truly hope you won't do it again.

 

I won't. I have absolutely no desire to. She's gone, why would I want to contact her - I'm moving on, now.

[BC1980]

I won't. I have absolutely no desire to. She's gone, why would I want to contact her - I'm moving on, now.

 

Eh, you say that now, but I'd be willing to bet that you get the urge to contact her again at some point (or at least keep looking at the Instagram). On LS, a lot of people refer to what you are experiencing as a "contact high." You contact the person, and it usually goes badly. Then, you swear that this is the last time, and you will never ever ever ever do that again. You have finally learned your lesson, and you're okay for awhile. Then, time goes by, reality sets in again, and you want to poke the bear. You aren't as committed as you thought you were a few weeks ago. It's kind of like an alcoholic who gets sh*tfaced and makes an ass of himself. The next day, he swears he'll never drink again, and he even believes himself. A few weeks go by, and that drink doesn't look so bad anymore. Maybe one beer won't hurt.

 

Recovery isn't linear, and your resolve to keep NC won't be linear either. You will have weak moments again. Something will happen, down the line, that will tempt you into breaking NC. I'm not knocking you, but I'm trying to prepare you. I'm really glad you have the resolve to go NC right now, but it won't always be like that. You have to anticipate that you won't have the "contact high" you have that's making it easy to resist temptation in the moment. By contacting her, you didn't help yourself. You really didn't. Because instead of emailing her and getting no answer, you should have found strength in yourself, knowing that she wouldn't care about your email. You didn't need her to invalidate you once again for you to get that it's over. You need to have a plan in place for when you want to contact her. Come on LS and ask us. Call a friend. Call anyone that will talk you out of it.

 

Look, I've done the same thing, so I get it. But I never truly made any traction until I started fighting the urges to break NC. I was NC for 90 days when I called my ex after a rough day at work. I used that as an excuse and made an emotional decision in the moment that I later regretted. He answered the phone and sounded so happy, like he didn't have a care in the world. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck, trying to wade myself through the grieving process and still in denial. I cried all night after we hung up. So yeah, I learned my lesson that time and never broke NC again. Until I got it through my thick skull that he was not the answer to any of my problems. That is when I started to gain strength, and you can too.

[smellysocksuni]

Eh, you say that now, but I'd be willing to bet that you get the urge to contact her again at some point (or at least keep looking at the Instagram). On LS, a lot of people refer to what you are experiencing as a "contact high." You contact the person, and it usually goes badly. Then, you swear that this is the last time, and you will never ever ever ever do that again. You have finally learned your lesson, and you're okay for awhile. Then, time goes by, reality sets in again, and you want to poke the bear. You aren't as committed as you thought you were a few weeks ago. It's kind of like an alcoholic who gets sh*tfaced and makes an ass of himself. The next day, he swears he'll never drink again, and he even believes himself. A few weeks go by, and that drink doesn't look so bad anymore. Maybe one beer won't hurt.

 

Recovery isn't linear, and your resolve to keep NC won't be linear either. You will have weak moments again. Something will happen, down the line, that will tempt you into breaking NC. I'm not knocking you, but I'm trying to prepare you. I'm really glad you have the resolve to go NC right now, but it won't always be like that. You have to anticipate that you won't have the "contact high" you have that's making it easy to resist temptation in the moment. By contacting her, you didn't help yourself. You really didn't. Because instead of emailing her and getting no answer, you should have found strength in yourself, knowing that she wouldn't care about your email. You didn't need her to invalidate you once again for you to get that it's over. You need to have a plan in place for when you want to contact her. Come on LS and ask us. Call a friend. Call anyone that will talk you out of it.

 

Look, I've done the same thing, so I get it. But I never truly made any traction until I started fighting the urges to break NC. I was NC for 90 days when I called my ex after a rough day at work. I used that as an excuse and made an emotional decision in the moment that I later regretted. He answered the phone and sounded so happy, like he didn't have a care in the world. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck, trying to wade myself through the grieving process and still in denial. I cried all night after we hung up. So yeah, I learned my lesson that time and never broke NC again. Until I got it through my thick skull that he was not the answer to any of my problems. That is when I started to gain strength, and you can too.

 

Hey BC.

 

 

I totally understand the whole "contact high" thing. I even realised that it was probably what I was going through, that day. But the crying I did was similar to your crying after you spoke to your ex on the phone; I realised that all of the things I had brought up in the email meant nothing to her, that she decided to leave those things, decided to leave me and everything that came with it, that she doesn't care about me in the slightest, that her life (in her opinion) is better without me in it.

 

 

Today, I spent the entire day cleaning my flat and I found several things that reminded me of her. As I was moving the sofa, I looked at it and remember her choosing it. I found some old roasting bags that she used to cook chicken with - the day was full of triggers. But not once did I have the urge to contact her... I felt sad, I missed her. But I just didn't want to contact her, the urge wasn't there.

 

 

I have absolutely no money, I'm having to use the local library's WiFi to search for work online. I have to walk wherever I want to go, or cycle. I am hoping my electricity will last until next week - I think this is the most I've struggled in a while. Despite her not being here and helping me through a hard time like this, as she used to do - I don't want to contact her. I have inner strength and I know it won't always be THIS bad for me.

 

 

As for checking her Instagram - I don't know. Why would I want to look at that. I think to be honest, I am just fed up of pining over her. Even if I'm single for the rest of my life, why would I want to keep chasing after someone that wants nothing to do with me.

 

 

The only lasting feeling I've been left with is that I'm disappointed she doesn't want to reply to one solitary email, am I really that bad of a person that she can't reply to one email? But anyway. Perhaps I will be back in a week, trying to battle that urge again but for now, I feel alright. Well, somewhere on the way to alright, at least.

[Jimmyjackson]

Hey BC.

 

 

I totally understand the whole "contact high" thing. I even realised that it was probably what I was going through, that day. But the crying I did was similar to your crying after you spoke to your ex on the phone; I realised that all of the things I had brought up in the email meant nothing to her, that she decided to leave those things, decided to leave me and everything that came with it, that she doesn't care about me in the slightest, that her life (in her opinion) is better without me in it.

 

 

Today, I spent the entire day cleaning my flat and I found several things that reminded me of her. As I was moving the sofa, I looked at it and remember her choosing it. I found some old roasting bags that she used to cook chicken with - the day was full of triggers. But not once did I have the urge to contact her... I felt sad, I missed her. But I just didn't want to contact her, the urge wasn't there.

 

 

I have absolutely no money, I'm having to use the local library's WiFi to search for work online. I have to walk wherever I want to go, or cycle. I am hoping my electricity will last until next week - I think this is the most I've struggled in a while. Despite her not being here and helping me through a hard time like this, as she used to do - I don't want to contact her. I have inner strength and I know it won't always be THIS bad for me.

 

 

As for checking her Instagram - I don't know. Why would I want to look at that. I think to be honest, I am just fed up of pining over her. Even if I'm single for the rest of my life, why would I want to keep chasing after someone that wants nothing to do with me.

 

 

The only lasting feeling I've been left with is that I'm disappointed she doesn't want to reply to one solitary email, am I really that bad of a person that she can't reply to one email? But anyway. Perhaps I will be back in a week, trying to battle that urge again but for now, I feel alright. Well, somewhere on the way to alright, at least.

 

I get it, you're in a bad situation and you want your ex by your side, despite everything else being crappy she was the one thing you could count on.

 

I hope you get back on your feet, get your money situation sorted and your electricity. You can do it on your own though, you don't need anyone else to help you. Keep telling yourself it's going to get better. I, a random loveshack member using a fake name, believes in you man. Keep up the NC.

[smellysocksuni]

I get it, you're in a bad situation and you want your ex by your side, despite everything else being crappy she was the one thing you could count on.

 

I hope you get back on your feet, get your money situation sorted and your electricity. You can do it on your own though, you don't need anyone else to help you. Keep telling yourself it's going to get better. I, a random loveshack member using a fake name, believes in you man. Keep up the NC.

 

Thank you

 

I tell myself that every day - I *can* do this on my own. It will be hard, but I can do it. Thank you, JJ.

[Jimmyjackson]

Thank you

 

I tell myself that every day - I *can* do this on my own. It will be hard, but I can do it. Thank you, JJ.

 

Change that 'can' to 'I will'