Close to breaking NC

[smellysocksuni]

I miss her incredibly. But what can I do - she's gone.

 

She's not coming back. She doesn't want me. She's with someone else. She's happy without me. All those things hurt to see and to hear, but they're facts.

[BC1980]

I miss her incredibly. But what can I do - she's gone.

 

She's not coming back. She doesn't want me. She's with someone else. She's happy without me. All those things hurt to see and to hear, but they're facts.

 

Those things do hurt incredibly in the beginning. I used to tell myself those things quite frequently just to ground myself in reality, but it might be more helpful to turn it into something positive. Maybe say, "she doesn't want me, and she's not coming back, BUT her feelings have no bearing on my worth as a person." Try "she's with someone else, and I'm glad I know that now rather than spending more years in a relationship that is a dead end." Is that too cheesy? I told myself that stuff a lot, and I still do. A lot of recovery, and life in general, is perspective. I'm not saying we have to be fake and happy all the time, but there is always some silver lining.

[smellysocksuni]

I can remember about a year or so ago, just before I met her... I was in bed, thinking "I hate going to bed on my own, I wish I had someone"... shortly after that, I met her. I constantly blame myself for her leaving - perhaps I wasn't attentive enough, perhaps I caused too many arguments, perhaps I should have done this, done that... I wonder where or when I will ever meet anyone again. I feel like we 'got' each other, despite all the arguments. She was an 'old soul' and I view myself as a 'new soul' - I just can't believe she is gone forever, like, why did God, the universe or whoever - why did I get granted happiness and stability for it to be taken away? And sure, breaking NC wasn't the best move..I'm so disappointed that she couldn't even reply. Am I a mass murderer? Did I beat her? I'm so awful, she can't even talk to me. Great.

 

I just feel like, ugh. Why do I even bother trying anything in life. A bit despondent, tonight.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can remember about a year or so ago, just before I met her... I was in bed, thinking "I hate going to bed on my own, I wish I had someone"... shortly after that, I met her. I constantly blame myself for her leaving - perhaps I wasn't attentive enough, perhaps I caused too many arguments, perhaps I should have done this, done that... I wonder where or when I will ever meet anyone again. I feel like we 'got' each other, despite all the arguments. She was an 'old soul' and I view myself as a 'new soul' - I just can't believe she is gone forever, like, why did God, the universe or whoever - why did I get granted happiness and stability for it to be taken away? And sure, breaking NC wasn't the best move..I'm so disappointed that she couldn't even reply. Am I a mass murderer? Did I beat her? I'm so awful, she can't even talk to me. Great.

 

I just feel like, ugh. Why do I even bother trying anything in life. A bit despondent, tonight.

 

It likely has very little to do with your personality and how she feels about it. It's more about her moving forward in her life. You're the past, she's concerned with the future. She doesn't have to talk to you, so stop trying to get her to engage. She's being very clear that she wants to move forward.

[Throldur]

I can remember about a year or so ago, just before I met her... I was in bed, thinking "I hate going to bed on my own, I wish I had someone"... shortly after that, I met her. I constantly blame myself for her leaving - perhaps I wasn't attentive enough, perhaps I caused too many arguments, perhaps I should have done this, done that... I wonder where or when I will ever meet anyone again. I feel like we 'got' each other, despite all the arguments. She was an 'old soul' and I view myself as a 'new soul' - I just can't believe she is gone forever, like, why did God, the universe or whoever - why did I get granted happiness and stability for it to be taken away? And sure, breaking NC wasn't the best move..I'm so disappointed that she couldn't even reply. Am I a mass murderer? Did I beat her? I'm so awful, she can't even talk to me. Great.

 

I just feel like, ugh. Why do I even bother trying anything in life. A bit despondent, tonight.

 

This sounds like me. I did everything I could for her, stood by her side when no guy in his rational mind would have dealt with that level of crazy, didn't budge, and this was early on in the relationship. Tough times kept coming, solid as a rock, always there for her, never fed her a lie, always told her the truth. I did anything she wanted for the most part.. I regret all the things I did wrong, all the things I could have done or said differently that may have made a difference in the end and all I want is a second chance but it's likely never going to come. However, there's always that chance and I'm going to hold onto that unless someone else comes into my life that makes me realize there's a chance at someone, something else.. it just doesn't seem at all possible.

 

I got blocked from everything and I did nothing. I was the one in NC. She broke it every time. I never even said a hurtful thing to her.. all I did was challenge these false beliefs she had and told her to take her time before making a huge decision, to look at what she was doing, how she was acting and to decide, without the influence of other people, if that was the person she wanted to be. I got told I was harrassing her and that she considered calling the cops. It was insane.. and I look like the monster, when she's the one who pretty much cheated on me and left everybody that she supposedly cares about behind.. all for this dramatic notion that moving away with someone she barely knows is going to solve everything in her life but the problem doesn't lie with WHERE she is but how she perceives herself. Can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink.

 

But yeah, don't bring no contact.. being needy and desperate will not help anything anyways. As hard as it is, for myself included, if they are meant to come back, they will contact you when you don't even think about them anymore. It's just the way that it seems to work. My ex doesn't even live here anymore, all the cards are out of my hand.. so I don't expect a text message, a FB message, anything.. ever again, even if I do hold out hope of it happening eventually.

 

I'm the same though, I'm yelling to the Moon, the Universe, anything.. saying, why did you give me this miracle and then take it away from me? Why did you make being in love the most important thing to me and then make it near impossible for me to experience it and harness it? I'm crying, screaming, I learned my lesson, I took things for granted, I didn't give all of myself all of the time, I didn't press when I should have pressed, I didn't express all the times I should have expressed.. but I was afraid of losing her, I was afraid of making a mistake, and just afraid, on some level, of finally having it all.. but I learned my lesson now, I know what I need to do better, so why can't I just have that second chance to make it all work out and be stronger for it? Is it really that awful of me to ask to love someone, to have them love me back.. That's not a horrendous thing, it's a beautiful thing, why can't we have what we once had but even better because we know the things that broke it before and can improve upon them?

[smellysocksuni]

It likely has very little to do with your personality and how she feels about it. It's more about her moving forward in her life. You're the past, she's concerned with the future. She doesn't have to talk to you, so stop trying to get her to engage. She's being very clear that she wants to move forward.

 

I know she doesn't.

 

I think it is a reflection on my personality for her to have left - she had to a lot of leaving to leave, move out, find somewhere to live etc. Perhaps I'm taking it too personally, but I'm just feeling a bit rubbish tonight so....

[smellysocksuni]

Just sick of being in people's pasts. It gets to the point where you feel it's you, there's some fault in your personality. I am moving forward and taking steps to improve my life - I can't sleep so instead I've been updating my resume and applying for work online, but it's a slow process. I waited a long time to find 'love' and I just feel... I feel a bit empty inside, really. Fed up. Can't be bothered type of mood. Just going through the motions. All negative thoughts but hey - can't think of anything positive to write about, right now.

[frigginlost]

Buddy, I feel ya...

 

In the last 3 and a half years, I lost a wife of 17 years and 4 months ago lost the woman I thought would replace her. The girl I just lost, cheated on me, then dumped me, and is now in a full blown relationship with the guy.

 

There have been days in the last month I wish I would just not awake in the morning.

 

But... you just keep moving forward...

[smellysocksuni]

Buddy, I feel ya...

 

In the last 3 and a half years, I lost a wife of 17 years and 4 months ago lost the woman I thought would replace her. The girl I just lost, cheated on me, then dumped me, and is now in a full blown relationship with the guy.

 

There have been days in the last month I wish I would just not awake in the morning.

 

But... you just keep moving forward...

 

That's really rough, I'm sorry to hear you went through all that. But hey, she'll probably cheat on that new guy, too.

[smellysocksuni]

Not coping so well, today. The loss of her has been painful but at this stage I'm asking myself what is wrong with me - why am I always in someone's past? She, who was supposed to rescue me from pain (her words, not mine) - I've been through SO much in my life. So many disappointments and so much pain. It was supposed to end with her, but it feels like it's just begun. All the pain of past rejections and past losses have caught up with me, I can't stop crying. If I wasn't so afraid of pain I would have ended my life a while ago. If I knew for certain that there was happiness at the other end, I would have ended my life.

 

I open my eyes every day but I have no purpose. I have nothing. I could go and stay at my aunt's but that's not my life - that's her life. I am merely floating, existing. Not living. Why am I here? I question my own existence. Get a job? What for? To come home every night and be on my own in front of the TV? Go to bed alone? Right. She gave me some hope, some stability in my otherwise empty life. And she's gone, with someone else. And doesn't care about me. The one person I dared to trust - and I got burned more than I have ever been. And all I am now to her is a memory, a person in her past, an ex. If we ever do talk again (which I doubt) it will be small talk and nothing more.

 

People always seem so keen to get rid of me and at this stage I just want to get rid of myself. I am sick of the sight of myself, sick of being me. Sick of being rejected, sick of everything. What's the point? Am I supposed to trust anyone again? How can I? I have never been this broken. Never.

 

I don't expect a reply from anyone, I'm just venting and letting it out, I guess.

[guest569]

OP I really feel for you I can relate to so much of what you have written. My ex dumped me about 15 months ago and I went through similar things. It was my first real relationship too and first breakup, and he had spent christmas with my family, and I had a lovely New Year's Eve with him and his friends, I was blindsided too the following day when he left me.

 

I feel like I'm always the one being left too.. I think you've been through a lot and its ok to cry and wallow for a while. How long since your breakup?

 

I have been suicidal on and off too. I noticed you said you are going to counseling on 27th, is there anything sooner? I think going to stay with your aunt is a good idea, or any nice relative or friend. Staying with family really helped me although i didnt realise at the time.

 

You are making progress, time is passing and you are surviving. You might not think you are getting anywhere but you are. Looking at this thread, I am comparing it with myself months ago and realising i too have made MUCH progress, and I know you will too. You don't need her at all, you will have less and less you would want to contact her about as time goes. Initially I had infinite amounts of things i had to discuss with my ex, but now, although still tempted occasionally, all I can say is "i miss you, i dont understand" but it's not even worth saying to him. I regret every bit of contact i made after the breakup, i thought if i could get it out of my system that I would be finished and could move on.

 

I also can relate to this fear or moving on.. It is awful. All you can do is hang in there, be strong and time will heal. Focus on you, your life, your job seeking and family. I hope that you find some work soon.

[smellysocksuni]

OP I really feel for you I can relate to so much of what you have written. My ex dumped me about 15 months ago and I went through similar things. It was my first real relationship too and first breakup, and he had spent christmas with my family, and I had a lovely New Year's Eve with him and his friends, I was blindsided too the following day when he left me.

 

I feel like I'm always the one being left too.. I think you've been through a lot and its ok to cry and wallow for a while. How long since your breakup?

 

I have been suicidal on and off too. I noticed you said you are going to counseling on 27th, is there anything sooner? I think going to stay with your aunt is a good idea, or any nice relative or friend. Staying with family really helped me although i didnt realise at the time.

 

You are making progress, time is passing and you are surviving. You might not think you are getting anywhere but you are. Looking at this thread, I am comparing it with myself months ago and realising i too have made MUCH progress, and I know you will too. You don't need her at all, you will have less and less you would want to contact her about as time goes. Initially I had infinite amounts of things i had to discuss with my ex, but now, although still tempted occasionally, all I can say is "i miss you, i dont understand" but it's not even worth saying to him. I regret every bit of contact i made after the breakup, i thought if i could get it out of my system that I would be finished and could move on.

 

I also can relate to this fear or moving on.. It is awful. All you can do is hang in there, be strong and time will heal. Focus on you, your life, your job seeking and family. I hope that you find some work soon.

 

Hi and thank you for taking the time out to reply in such a detailed way.

 

It's been three or so months since the break up, now. Perhaps I should have moved on by now. The counselling - because it's provided by the NHS here in the UK I have to wait a bit longer than I would have if I was paying for it myself so the 27th is all they had.

 

I am happy to hear that you look at this thread and realise how much progress you've made, that's good and you must feel great for having come so far? It gives me hope that I will reach that stage one day.

 

I will try my best to keep strong until my counselling session and trying to find some work. Thank you again for such a lovely reply, it means a lot that there are people willing to take time out of their day to reply. Thank you.

[smellysocksuni]

Feeling a bit stupid but tonight is the first time I've actually used the kitchen to cook in since she's left and it's really triggering me. I feel like I want to contact her (I haven't and won't) and it's just full of memories, she used to cook and if I'd go in while she was cooking, she'd jokingly tell me to get out. I just.... obviously she doesn't care about any of that anymore, does she.

[smellysocksuni]

Really want to contact her.

[seminoles84]

You should force yourself to go for a run or walk.

[smellysocksuni]

I don't think NC helps. It reminds me of a diet. You can't have pizza, so you think of nothing else. Same thing.

[Jimmyjackson]

I don't think NC helps. It reminds me of a diet. You can't have pizza, so you think of nothing else. Same thing.

 

Get off LS and go do something, anything. Being on here at this moment will just make you feel more depressed and encourage you to talk about it, the more you talk about it the more you think about it.

[na49]

I don't think NC helps. It reminds me of a diet. You can't have pizza, so you think of nothing else. Same thing.

 

You also don't get significant results after being on a diet for only a few weeks.

 

If you honestly don't believe that NC will help you, then you can message her, or stalk her social media every day. Just because NC is what helps most people, doesn't mean it will help you. It just seems like after your ex has made up their mind that they don't want to be with you, you're fighting a losing battle. Your ex is getting stuffed by another guy right? What will contacting her do besides push her closer to the new guy?

 

I know it's hard dude. I doubt NC sometimes too. I came home from work today, and wanted to check her profile, message her and ask where we are at, etc. It feels like a dysfunctional relationship with her, beats the way I'm feeling right now. At least I'll have her again. I didn't act on the urge though. I'm chalking today up as a bad day. I'll have more of these in the future, but I really don't want to ruin what will be a week of complete NC tomorrow.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think NC helps. It reminds me of a diet. You can't have pizza, so you think of nothing else. Same thing.

 

Well, to be fair you've never really have done No Contact so you can't really say this. You spent six weeks trying to contact, then three weeks or so not contacting but snooping her social media, then you tried to contact her again.

 

To use your analogy, you say you're dieting, but you keep sneaking off for a late night bowl of ice cream, then you wonder why you aren't losing weight.

 

You can't say No Contact doesn't work when you actually haven't gone No Contact.

Edited April 2, 2015 by Simon Phoenix

[BC1980]

I don't think NC helps. It reminds me of a diet. You can't have pizza, so you think of nothing else. Same thing.

 

So what's the alternative to NC? To send more unanswered emails and snoop on social media everyday? Because you only have two choices. Either go NC or don't go NC. I get that you don't like either choice at the moment, but you have to pick the lesser of the two evils right now. In time, you will be fine with NC, but it's not going to happen overnight.

[BC1980]

Really want to contact her.

 

I called this a few days ago. Those of us that have been around the block a few times could see this coming. You never give in and contact because it causes you to want more contact. It's never enough. Your email went unanswered, and, like Simon says, you want to double down on dumb. The most power you will ever have is to walk away and stay quiet. It can only go down from there.

[smellysocksuni]

I made a lot of mistakes with this break up, yes. I should have remained FULL NC from the outset, unfortunately I was in shock and obviously, quite hurt.

 

I try my best to stay away from triggers such as social media, although it's very difficult. My ex works professionally; a Google search of her name alone will bring up hundreds of results. I almost wish she was just an office clerk with no online presence. I appreciate the advice, but in the throes of it all it is very difficult to resist.

 

At the end of the day, I just want my old self back. Sadly, this has made sure I don't get into another relatonship, again.

[smellysocksuni]

Also - I try to remind myself daily that she was an unhealthy person with BPD, emotionally immature, and a person that jumps from one to the next - possibly even overlapping. Not someone I truly desire to even know, never mind to be with.

 

Now to get my heart to catch up with those thoughts.

[BC1980]

I made a lot of mistakes with this break up, yes. I should have remained FULL NC from the outset, unfortunately I was in shock and obviously, quite hurt.

 

I try my best to stay away from triggers such as social media, although it's very difficult. My ex works professionally; a Google search of her name alone will bring up hundreds of results. I almost wish she was just an office clerk with no online presence. I appreciate the advice, but in the throes of it all it is very difficult to resist.

 

At the end of the day, I just want my old self back. Sadly, this has made sure I don't get into another relatonship, again.

 

I learned so much from my breakup as well, and, trust me, I made so many mistakes. In the end, you just have to end up embracing the mistakes and using them to learn. There's no point in shaming yourself or getting down on yourself because every last one of us has made mistakes. I can also google my ex and get pictures and a good bit of stuff. I see him at work occasionally, and we have mutual friends. A lot of people that I work with knew us as a couple. You can't wish that stuff away even though it would make life so much easier. You have to deal with what you have and find ways to avoid certain things. Even if you new saw your ex again, there are still memories that you have to deal with. You had a relationship with her, and that past is never going away. It's there, and you have to deal with it. It sucks, it's not fair, it's not your fault, but it's just the way it is. You can avoid her on social media because people do it all the time. You don't have to google her, and you can block her from all of your accounts. If need be, you can just avoid social media all together. There are ways you can avoid triggers.

 

You are not going to get your old self back, but you can get an improved self. You can move past this and become someone that is much stronger, but you can't undo or forget your time with her.

[BC1980]

Also - I try to remind myself daily that she was an unhealthy person with BPD, emotionally immature, and a person that jumps from one to the next - possibly even overlapping. Not someone I truly desire to even know, never mind to be with.

 

Now to get my heart to catch up with those thoughts.

 

It takes a good while and a lot of work for your heart to catch up with your brain. But it can happen. When I think of my ex now, he seems so foreign. I kind of wonder how we made it as long as we did because we were so wrong for each other. I see how I idealized him and the relationship even when other people were asking why I was taking his cr@p. I miss the security I felt and the family I had. I don't miss him that much quite honestly because I think he would just annoy the hell out of me at this point. I couldn't imagine loving him again. I might still feel a little pang if I pass him at work, but it's not something I'm going to ruminate over. I can put it in perspective, and it's mostly remembering what I thought we had. It's not reality based, and it doesn't keep me up at night. So yeah, it can happen if you are dedicated to NC.