confusedmom1 Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Anyone out there please help me out, please give me advice as I can't speak to any friends or family because I do not want to worry them. Here is my story. I have been with my husband for 12 years, dated for 6 married for 6. We have a beautiful 2 year old who is my everything. When my husband and i started the dating since the beginning my inlaws hated me, they were rude, unwelcoming, unfriendly and were against us marring. They hated me so much that one day the father kicked me out of his house and I have never in my life been so humiliated and scared as I was that day. I still literally have nightmares of that day when his father yelled at me in my face and kicked me out. His parents never apologized and now that we have our son they drop of every 3-5 months to see him. They are the worst grandparents and parents ever. Yet it doesnt seem to bother my husband at all. I think he thinks i should love them or something. Every time that they come over we end up fighting as soon as they leave. His whole family is selfish, rude, condescending, I can keep going on and on. They have never been there for us or for him when they need anything, but as soon as they need something they do not hesitate to call. So I get mad and of course tell my husband and then it results in fighting. I have never hated anyone as much as i hate his parents. The thought of them quenches my skin and just messes up my day. It's so bad that I hate holidays and special occasions because I know I have to see them. I cannot do anything about my feeling but it is finally taking a toll on our marriage. I know my husband resents me for it and I know he hates it, he doesn't tell me it but I know b/c he always ends up fighting with me. He sees no wrong in anything they do. And, I just cannot take it anymore. We have problems in our marriage as I think he has horrible mood swing and could use some happy pills, but his family has really gotten the worst out of us. I do not know if I can continue on doing this much longer. I don't know what to do anymore. ADVICE Desperately needed Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 You are never going to like these people because you have made up your mind not to & they aren't helping. So assuming you want to keep your marriage, can you find a way to tolerate them? Try to be happy that they are spending time with their grandchild. When they come over can you go out so you spend less time with them? Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 Luckily they aren't in your every day life. You say you can't do anything about your feelings, but that is just not true. You can learn to just be polite and cordial. To accept that they are people you will just never be close with. To focus on the rest of the family on holidays and just ignore them. You can choose to not argue with your husband about them too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmom1 Posted March 18, 2015 Author Share Posted March 18, 2015 I just can't like them...Everytime they do or say something to frustrate and dislike them even more. They never see my son nor have they ever bought him anything ever. They only call my husband when they need something and only come over when they feel like eating from a latin place around my house. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 So ignore them. When they come over, let them visit with their son & do something else. If you try to force your husband to chose between them & you, you will end up ruining your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
badpenny Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 What is it you want people to tell you? What would you REALLY like to hear? I think you'd like to feel someone is in your corner, and you would love to hear someone advise you to move out with your son, file for divorce and have done with this. So, I suggest you do that, because you know - don't you? - this will never, ever get better, until the day they die. Link to post Share on other sites
girl-in-boots Posted March 18, 2015 Share Posted March 18, 2015 OP. I had a toxic MIL who was just the same. I was never good enough for her son, I was after him for his money (he earns £125 more a month than me). I was this and that. In the end I stopped visiting, didn't make a big deal just told SO that I wasn't going. didn't argue with him over it, he knew exactly why. When she came to visit then I would go out for the day come back towards the end of her visit (if I was unlucky). Didn't make any excuses just said Oh I went shopping/to the cinema to ..... I hate her for many things that she has done so I get where you're coming from but I just got to the point where I refused to put up with her toxic attitude and left SO to deal with her. The arguments stopped and in the end it was accepted that I wasn't going to allow her to create drama in my life. Yes she has a grandchild who is now 18 and who she has hardly seen, but her choice was to be toxic my SO was to be spineless and my choice was not to force my child to go and see her if he didn't want to. He stopped going when he was about 8. I hadn't badmouthed her or anything I think he just didn't like the vibe that he got at her house. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
outthewindow Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Girl in boots did the right thing. You can't change your in laws, or their relationship with your husband / son, the only thing you have control over is you. If they bother you that much, go out when they come over. If you must spend time with them be polite but distant and if they do or say something to annoy you, go see a girlfriend and complain to her. Your husband isn't the right person to be talking to about this. I think by now he knows how you all feel about each other, but being nasty about his parents to him is just going to ruin your relationship, and really, that's what the in laws want. So don't give them the satisfaction. No one said you must like or respect your in laws if they don't treat you the same way, the only thing you MUST do is be polite and never ask your husband to choose between you. Your son will make up his own mind when he's old enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Girl in boots did the right thing. You can't change your in laws, or their relationship with your husband / son, the only thing you have control over is you. If they bother you that much, go out when they come over. If you must spend time with them be polite but distant and if they do or say something to annoy you, go see a girlfriend and complain to her. Your husband isn't the right person to be talking to about this. I think by now he knows how you all feel about each other, but being nasty about his parents to him is just going to ruin your relationship, and really, that's what the in laws want. So don't give them the satisfaction. No one said you must like or respect your in laws if they don't treat you the same way, the only thing you MUST do is be polite and never ask your husband to choose between you. Your son will make up his own mind when he's old enough. This advice is spot on. I know, from experience...my first inlaws, I just plain didn't like. The MIL pretended I didn't exist the whole 3 years myself and ex H were dating...would literally pretend I wasn't in the room type stuff. FIL was a weak willed doormat, totally under her thumb. The day we got back from honeymoon and they came around, it was like a switch had gone off in my brain. I just didn't care about them or their opinions any more. I was always polite, civil, sometimes even friendly, but it was like I kept an invisible wall up. I used to attend about 1 out of 3 family events I would be invited to...usually going for the ones they weren't hosting, where there would be plenty of other people present that made it easy for me to ignore them. I also - most importantly - never stopped ex H from seeing them. In fact, I used to encourage him to visit them on his own. We didn't have children so that made it easier. But if we had, I think it would have been a case that ex H would have been the one taking the kids to see them. My own mother had a lot of trouble with my paternal grandmother, her MIL. She was pretty shocked when I stopped interacting with mine, but as I told her, I was an adult and therefore got to choose who I spent time with. I wasn't going to martyr myself trying to create a close relationship which patently was never going to exist. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 You never indicated what caused your FIL to kick you out of his home, why you hate them so much. Could you tell us this so we can get a better idea of what you are dealing with? The way your original posts reads is you just hate them and we don't know why other than they've never given your baby a gift. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 The answers are here. Outstanding advice! Dis-engage. Stop feeding the monsters. Don't play into the drama. Just be nice, as you would to a stranger. Reacting to these people only ENABLES them, and provides the "negative" passive-aggressive control they are seeking over their son's spousal choice. If you allow the "crazy-making" to get to ya, and continue a tirade and complaint campaign to your husband, you are playing tight into their hand. STOP, NOW. Forget the past, it is over with. Take control. Accept these people for who they are, and live with it. You knew about them when you chose to marry. OK. Done and done. When you smile, and are polite - in the face of the nasties, you will feel empowered. Enjoy that feeling of being in control, and practice will make perfect. Now, here is a warning. The "new you" is going to come as a disappointment to the nasties. They will be frustrated that they cannot push your buttons. Your husband will be happier - so he will be less likely to agree with them when you have stopped ranting about the situation, and have "turned over a new leaf." This is what will happen --- the nasties will really ramp up the bad conduct, to try to break you. Be watching for that "reaction," and respond kindly. Become extra nice, prepare a nice meal, buy them an irresistible gift basket of delicious, yummy treats for their long ride home. Be June Cleever. Haha. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 There's a lot more to this story than you're saying... There has to be a reason as to why his parents kicked you out of their house, even if the reason is small. Anyway, your husband never defended you throughout your years of marriage, never stood up for you? This I don't understand at all. He has chosen his parents over you and your child every time, and that's just not right. If your H can't have your back and if you two can't work this out by doing marriage counseling (if you haven't gone yet, GO).. And if he refuses to go or if counseling doesn't work, then think about ending your marriage and having shared custody of your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
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