Be careful what you wish for

[Southern Sun]

Ronnie, I know he may have been a friend and gentleman to you, but what I see is someone not man enough to make a choice. He wants both. It's selfish and he's the only one who wins.

 

I think you've got this.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi Ronnie, I'm sorry that he contacted you and drew you back in.

 

I sense a calmness and relief (lack of panic) in your posts that wasn't there yesterday. I understand that feeling, I really do.

 

I believe you when you said (on another thread) that he is a decent guy who has never done this before - not a player. I believe you know that it has to end and there is no future in it.

 

It is true that he has every opportunity to break off his engagement with this woman. Maybe he will even do that. If he did, though (and even if he doesn't) something to keep in mind is, would you (either theoretically or in reality) want to be with a man who would do that to his fiancee? Because if he can do it to her, then he's perfectly capable of doing it to you or to anyone else.

 

There is something inherently wrong in the moral compass of a person who would do what he is doing. He isn't even married yet, so there is no excuse of kids or finances or marriage vows or house or any of that. I can't imagine what kind of future that woman has to look forward to.

 

Can you really continue to respect him? Respect has to be part of love.[/QU

OTE]

 

That's the thing Hope, he really is such a gentleman (I know it sounds crazy) genuinely nice guy. We were good friends for a year befor the affair and what attracted me to him so much was what a gentleman he was. As naive as it sounds we really became Bestfriends not realizing an EA was starting. He's never cheated and neither had I. It happened as innocently as an affair could, as stupid as that sounds.

 

 

I really do think he loves his girlfriend and wants to marry her but I think because he loved me first he doesn't know how to let go. He's invested in his gf and they have a life together. I think the connection to me is just hard for him to give up. I'm not saying it's not wrong because I can't understand how you can love someone, want to marry them and do this.

 

I know I could never trust him in a relationship, after what we did I would always know what he's capable of. I know I would be jealous everytime he came home late or went out. It would never work.

 

Yes, I know it's going nowhere and has to end. I don't not respect him for cheating because I cheated too but my feelings started to change when he told me he was going to be getting engaged. It's when I realized there was no future anymore.

 

 

Thanks Hope for taking time out read and reply

 

You are welcome.

 

My ex-MM was a gentleman too. He really was a good guy. He treated me very well for a long time... until he didn't.

 

I really do understand what you are saying.

 

How he is acting with you is not who he is. Who he is - is a person who isn't strong enough to be faithful to his fiancee. Of course he is torn and doesn't want to lose you, but he's a big boy and part of that means you can't have everything you want. It isn't a pass or excuse to cheat on others or hurt them. It's just a huge red flag about the character of someone who doesn't even have the excuse or pressure of being married and living up to vows and responsibilities. He has no excuse, other than he wants what he wants at the expense of other people's pain.

 

I'm sorry as I know you don't want to hear this. I do know that you realize it needs to end. Please cut him off.

[Ruffian1]

"I really do think he loves his girlfriend and wants to marry her but I think because he loved me first he doesn't know how to let go. He's invested in his gf and they have a life together. I think the connection to me is just hard for him to give up. I'm not saying it's not wrong because I can't understand how you can love someone, want to marry them and do this."

 

It is not hard to understand. It is having your cake and ice cream too.

He wins all around.

[Josmatjes]

I know this sounds nuts but did you ever give him an ultimatum? I mean seriously tell him that you are completely 100% out of his life should he continue like this. Is it possible he just needs a shove. I mean would she marry him if she knew he was in love with you....probably not.... Think about it..

[Mal78]

He emailed me today to see how I was. He said after our disagreement he was giving me time to let things settle. I told him I thought he was mad and using that to end it. He said not at all and that he didn't want to stop. He said ever since my separation I seemed interested in other men and he was giving me time to figure out what I want. I said you are getting engaged!! We are on a hamster wheel and going nowhere!!

 

Yesterday I was upset because I wanted closure and now he's back wanting to continue. I told him I don't understand it but I can't do it anymore, our bond is unhealthy and we have to let go.

 

Now I feel like I'm back to square one.

 

Those of you that are hoping to break NC don't. It's just a big cycle of nothing changing.

 

Yes but you hold ALL the cards. *You* are the one in control. That is a rarity. Embrace it as you play out the next move. Good for you!! Good luck!!

 

((Hugs))

[Ronnie33]

I know this sounds nuts but did you ever give him an ultimatum? I mean seriously tell him that you are completely 100% out of his life should he continue like this. Is it possible he just needs a shove. I mean would she marry him if she knew he was in love with you....probably not.... Think about it..

 

I told him almost a month ago that now that I was separated my life was different and I wanted someone who could give me more time and if he couldn't then he shouldn't do this anymore. He said that he doesn't have that type of freedom and the next step for them is engagement. That was the first time

he ever said the word to me although I figured it was coming but always hoped that when I was finally out he would come to me. I know, I'm

I'm a moron.

 

She would never stay with him if she knew. She thinks he's perfect which he almost seems to be other then he's been cheating on her since the beginning.

 

I think he loves me but loves her more. He loves her as in they have a life together and he loves me now as his OW in the affair.

 

The reason it's so hard for me to move on I think is because I know the first year

it was me he wanted all that with but I couldn't leave my marriage then. He waited as long as he could and then he moved on. I guess we were both selfish and not ready to let go but now it's pointless. My self esteem and everything else is ruined and I'm a very strong person. I feel completely weak and dependent to my feelings. I have to find me again

Edited March 21, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Ronnie33]

Yes but you hold ALL the cards. *You* are the one in control. That is a rarity. Embrace it as you play out the next move. Good for you!! Good luck!!

 

((Hugs))

 

Thank you Mal.

 

I'm curious to why you think so? I feel the exact opposite about myself.

Edited March 21, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Ronnie33]

So he text me today asking me to meet him. I told him no, and asked him when he's getting engaged. He tells me next month when they go away together. I told him he found someone he loves enough to spend the rest of his life with and why would he want to continue to cheat on her. He said he still want to see me and the thought of us never seeing eachother again is too hard for him to think about. I told him it is the only way and that we have to move on from this.

 

I hope this is it and it's really over. I can't do this anymore and I don't want to. I don't want to be a mistress. I want to like myself again and I feel like I sacrificed my self respect and morals for nothing.

 

I'm so thankful for this site and knowing I am not alone in this hell.

[Cali408]

Awesome news Ronnie, way to stand up for yourself! Seriously great work.

[Ifalltopieces]

Proud of you for being strong!! You should be proud of yourself too! I bet he was shocked when you turned him down!!!! Good luck throughout your journey of healing.

[GoldenAxe]

Keep it up kiddo. Good work

[Ronnie33]

Thank you:) I'm just hoping that this time it's really over. I realize now as much as I love him I have to love myself more.

[Josmatjes]

If he seriously wants you he needs to end his engagement right now or walk away! Give him this ultimatum and if he is a real man and not a coward he will choose one or the other, not both.

 

On another note, what about this poor girl he is engaged to and she has no idea! She deserves to know so that she can have a chance to find someone who is faithful to her.

[Grapesofwrath]

Here's what I'm thinking...

 

You're getting separated (if I read that right); he's not even married yet. If he wanted something with you, wouldn't now be the perfect time? Make it legit!

 

But no. He wants to continue...an affair.

 

That tells you something.

 

This is it, right here. He has you categorized as a side piece. For whatever reaso, he is not interested in creating a public relationship with you. Is that good enough for you? Did you go through the pain of separation to live in the shadows of his life?

[Popsicle]

I do not, for the life of me, understand why taken men are more preoccupied with you (the single OW) being with another man, than with them having a wife. They don't even see the hypocrisy in it.

[sunburned]

So he text me today asking me to meet him. I told him no, and asked him when he's getting engaged. He tells me next month when they go away together. I told him he found someone he loves enough to spend the rest of his life with and why would he want to continue to cheat on her. He said he still want to see me and the thought of us never seeing eachother again is too hard for him to think about. I told him it is the only way and that we have to move on from this.

 

I hope this is it and it's really over. I can't do this anymore and I don't want to. I don't want to be a mistress. I want to like myself again and I feel like I sacrificed my self respect and morals for nothing.

 

I'm so thankful for this site and knowing I am not alone in this hell.

 

Well done, Ronnie. Such strength. Such growth!

[Confused48]

 

 

I know I could never trust him in a relationship, after what we did I would always know what he's capable of. I know I would be jealous everytime he came home late or went out. It would never work.

 

What about him? You say he is a decent guy. Do you think maybe part of his problem with you is a lack of respect? He knows if he marries you and things hit a rough patch, you will think that cheating is a fine way to deal with that.

 

Perhaps he thinks he deserves someone with more character than that. He is wrong of course but that may be what he is thinking.

 

What about you? If you lack respect for him, do you, can you, respect yourself?perhaps you need to look inward before casting aspersions on this decent guy.

[Ronnie33]

If he seriously wants you he needs to end his engagement right now or walk away! Give him this ultimatum and if he is a real man and not a coward he will choose one or the other, not both.

 

On another note, what about this poor girl he is engaged to and she has no idea! She deserves to know so that she can have a chance to find someone who is faithful to her.

 

He doesn't want me, he wants both.

 

I can't tell her, I'm trying to move on and hurting her like that is not something I want to be a part of. If she finds out it will be on her own but I don't want that to be from me.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Ronnie33]

This is it, right here. He has you categorized as a side piece. For whatever reaso, he is not interested in creating a public relationship with you. Is that good enough for you? Did you go through the pain of separation to live in the shadows of his life?

 

In the beginning it was so different and I never felt like his side piece because I was married and he had just started dating her and wanted me to leave my marriage. He wanted to be open, to meet his family and friends but I couldn't because I was scared.

 

Now I feel like a side piece and that is why I'm ending it.

[Ronnie33]

Well done, Ronnie. Such strength. Such growth!

 

Thank you, I am trying so hard this time to move forward and let go.

[Blu72]

Ronnie you are doing the right thing. Let him go and try and move on from all the hurt so you can be happy again. You deserve to be happy.

[Ronnie33]

What about him? You say he is a decent guy. Do you think maybe part of his problem with you is a lack of respect? He knows if he marries you and things hit a rough patch, you will think that cheating is a fine way to deal with that.

 

Perhaps he thinks he deserves someone with more character than that. He is wrong of course but that may be what he is thinking.

 

What about you? If you lack respect for him, do you, can you, respect yourself?perhaps you need to look inward before casting aspersions on this decent guy.

 

No I don't think it's a lack of respect, I think he does love me and there was a time that I was the one he wanted to be with. I also think that I was married and there was only so long he could wait and stop his life. We were good friends before this started and this affair was a first for us both.

 

I stated that we "both" know what we are capable of. Affairs shine a light on you that you are forced to look at. I never said I wasn't just as guilty as him but the question was if I would even want a relationship with him and I answerd from my side.

 

I think we both lost ourselves in this, we are both good people who got ourselves into this mess. I'm not casting aspirations on him, I'm

fully aware that I am just as much to blame as him. I was asked a question and I answered it.

 

Affairs make you into someone you never even knew existed in you.

Edited April 1, 2015 by Ronnie33

[Ronnie33]

Ronnie you are doing the right thing. Let him go and try and move on from all the hurt so you can be happy again. You deserve to be happy.

 

Thanks Blu, it's been along two years and I just can't fathom how the hell I got here. I just want to fast forward 6 months and move on. I need to find my own happiness that isn't linked to him anymore.