3 years LDR, no end in sight and only complications

[Bernardine222]

Hy! It would be nice to hear somebody more experienced to help me.. because me myself dont know what to do, i dont know where to find strength...

 

 

to cut Story short and not to write that much. I am in a Long distance relationship for like 3 years (it will be 3 years in August)..ahm i am studying in Austria and he is working in croatia.. now i am almost done with my studies and from the beginning i have told him that i want to stay here where i am, because i have opportunity to do my phd here and get a better Job. so he is looking for a Job in Austria for one year and havent find anything.. two weeks ago, his father end up in bed and they cannot find anyone to take care of him, neither can put him in old peoples home, because his crazy mom did not want to put him on the wait list two years ago..

so now everything is crap, because he told me, that he wont leave his parents...

he is 27 i am 23....

i want to have normal life, i want to have normal relationship and there is time coming to have normal Family...

 

 

and the only Problem in our relationship is only this issue - distance, the Job/parents stuff...

 

 

i feel so ****ty and hurt

i dont want this Kind of Feeling to anyone, not even to the worst enemy..

[d0nnivain]

Sadly, sometimes love just isn't enough.

 

 

Unless you are willing to apply to a PhD program closer to him, which is more realistic then him leaving his dying father (or later his widowed mother) you two either need to accept that your LDR will continue or it's time to give up.

[Bernardine222]

his father is in bed because he can not walk, not because hes deathsick

[writergal]

Bernadine,

 

Yes it sounds like your 3 year LDR has some complications. But that doesn't mean those complications mark the end of your relationship. When obstacles come into relationships, you can react 1 of 2 ways: you can give up completely, or you can brainstorm and compromise around the obstacles...see the opportunities that those obstacles present to you and your boyfriend.

 

Here are the options for you and your boyfriend as I see it:

 

• You both stay where you are because of your circumstances, and continue the LDR without incident.
  
• You both stay where you currently are, and you visit your boyfriend more often because he cannot leave his ailing father's side unless he can find medical support, like a personal care attendant nurse, which can be covered by medical insurance.
  
• You break up.
  
• You apply to PhD programs in your boyfriend's city and move there. By the time you finish the PhD program, you and your boyfriend make the decision together, to either stay there, or move back to where you currently live. Meanwhile, you can maintain your social network and academic connections via email, while you finish your PhD in your boyfriend's city.
  
• Your boyfriend hires a personal care attendant to help him care for his ailing father in their home OR he finds an affordable care center where he can bring his ailing father, despite the fact that his mother didn't put her husband's name on a list ahead of time.
  

 

I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about these or other compromises you can think of. At this point, the more compromises will likely have to come from you, if your boyfriend in unable to leave his ailing father's bedside. And to ask him to do that, would be unfair considering how sick his father is.

 

If this relationship is important to you, then you will find a way to make it work. Obstacles pop up from time to time in relationships, long distance or not. It's up to both people to agree to overcome the obstacles together through compromises, or agree to give up and break up.

[justwhoiam]

writergal already gave you a lot of insight.

 

i am studying in Austria and he is working in croatia..

Ok. But where are you from? And where is he from?

 

i want to stay here where i am, because i have opportunity to do my phd here and get a better Job. so he is looking for a Job in Austria for one year and havent find anything.. two weeks ago, his father end up in bed and they cannot find anyone to take care of him, neither can put him in old peoples home, because his crazy mom did not want to put him on the wait list two years ago..

Any reason why his mother can't take care of her husband? Because she made decisions for herself and her husband, and she now must be able to deal with the consequences.

 

he is 27 i am 23....

i want to have normal life, i want to have normal relationship and there is time coming to have normal Family...

Well, you're very young. Give your boyfriend some time to figure things out at home. Is his father in his right mind? If so, he needs to overcome the walking problem. Or does he want to spend the rest of his life in bed? People who can't walk can have some degree of independence. I'm not sure what the problem is exactly, so I'm not able to say more.

 

To relieve your boyfriend a bit, help him out with the job search. Make sure his CV is well done. Show it to Austrian natives, get advice. Show an Austrian address, not a Croatian one. Make sure there are no typos, errors. Make the résumé relevant. He needs to apply for the right jobs. Accompanying letters should be customized, not general and impersonal. Show interest in the company where you're applying. His e-mail address shouldn't give away the fact that he's in Austria (a gmail address will do).

 

His father situation doesn't seem to be the kind of situation that should jeopardize your boyfriend's plans for the future.

 

Sit down with him and have a serious talk.

 

But don't pressure him. He might need some time to find a decent job.

[Bernardine222]

thank you!

 

 

well i come from croatia (but he lives in another town there, like 3 hours from my hometown in croatia)...and his father has had Problem with one leg, but because he did not want to exercise he ended up in bed...

 

 

-> and going to his hometown to apply for phd program is not an Option, because there is None, they even dont have University there that i attend and applying for phd program in croatia is the step lower than i am now..

[Bernardine222]

and what do you mean by Show Austrian adress?

[justwhoiam]

Sorry, I meant "don't give away the fact that he's not in Austria". So if his e-mail address is ".hr", it'll be clear where he's from. Make sure he's using a neuter address, like gmail.com or any other .com address, or .at.