Husband with childish anger outbursts

[VioletRose]

I'm a woman in my 30s, and my husband is in his early 40s. We've been married for almost 9 years now (no kids).

 

He's usually very introverted, but kind (he opens doors for people, including me). He's agreeable and friendly, and people get along with him at work. He has a good relationship with his parents, brothers and sisters, and nieces and nephews. He is lighthearted and fun around them.

 

But he's also an intense person, and seems like he is emotionally immature. This seems to be the case even though seems mature in a lot of ways: He works a full-time job, is careful with money, and is responsible. The problem is that when there is some minor annoyance going on at home (and sometimes in public, when something malfunctions, he'll go off on these temper rages, which are scary and embarrassing for me as his wife to see.

 

To give an example of what happened at the gas station: He couldn't get the nozzle to work, so he started yelling and cursing at it. It wasn't too crowded, but there were a few people walking around, but he didn't care. Another time, the ice scraper broke, and he yelled and carried on about that. I told him to just go in and buy a new one for $1, after he's created this scene. There were many more people that witnessed his behavior this time and I was so embarrassed I wanted to slouch down in my seat. After he came back to the car, I told him to stop carrying on, because it was humiliating. He said, 'What am I supposed to do? Just shut up and go to another gas station?" I said, "Yes, actually." He kept saying that he was "just frustrated" because things "were supposed to work."

 

Another time, we were outside and cutting down some shrubbery. He had a hand saw, but it broke. This sent him into an angry outbursts, where, in addition to yelling, he jabbed his finger at the sky and yelled, "Thanks a lot (neighbor person) for calling the city and telling us we need to cut down our trees!! Now look what happened -and it's all you fault!!!" Meanwhile, two neighbor girls who had been playing in the yard right next to ours were witnessing all of this, and they ran to the alley way far from our yard, and were just staring at him silently. After I told him they had reacted that way, he said, "I didn't see them there."

 

The latest time, our toilet tank malfunctioned at 3 a.m. Now, I understand the frustration of waking up like that and needing to be at work later in the day, and just wanting to get to sleep. Neither of us is handy, either, so we didn't know what to do to stop the dripping in the tank. My husband proceeded to grab the toilet tank and scream at it, cursing it and shaking it. He whined that it was late and he just wanted to go to sleep. After he managed to temporarily fix the problem, we went back to bed and he apologized for getting upset (he knows it bothers me) and said, "I just want to know how to fix things, and I don't."

 

We've been talking about starting a family, but the first thing I thought was, 'What if the baby was to wake up crying in the middle of the night?" Would he fly off the handle at that, too? He insists he wouldn't--that he would get up at all hours and mind a baby. He also insists a child would never see his rage attacks. But why is it ok for me to see them? (I should add that these attacks are never directed at me, but at objects that break, or things that don't go his way, or generally in any situation where he feels helpless or extra stressed). He yells, swears, shakes objects, slams his fists on the table, pulls at his hair, clenches his fists, and occasionally throws small objects (like the TV remote). He never directs this at me; it's almost as if he forgets I'm even there.

 

In the past year or so, he's stopped having so many of these angry episodes, which is why this latest one made me realize he really doesn't seem to have a handle on controlling his emotions like I'd thought. I mean, he can behave perfectly well at work; if anything, they think he's meek and shy. But this anger outburst stuff seems so unlike him, and the only person that witnesses it is me (and the random bystander on the rare occasion he lets loose in public).

 

So, I struggle with whether or not to bring children into this situation. If he can't handle minor household annoyances, how can he handle the stresses and financial burden of parenthood? He idealizes what it would be like to be a dad, and kids love him. But I'm sure they'd be scared if he let loose like that in front of them, even if it was directed at some object and not them personally.

 

I recently sent him an e-mail on tips to control his anger. His response back was: "Thank you for sending the article. I read it and these things might work for some people, BUT SOME PEOPLE NEED TO EXPRESS THEIR ANGER SO THEY DON'T EXPLODE!!!" (caps his).

 

Has anyone else dealt with a spouse who has issues like this? How do I proceed? Thanks.

[Ninjainpajamas]

So you want to know how to deal with an incompetent man-child?

 

Buy some books on parenting and anger management...at least you'll know how to take care of all of your kids (including your husband) when they throw tantrums...but don't be surprised when your kids act out just like your husband.

 

Good luck!

[writergal]

Since I am single and can't relate to living with an angry spouse, I Googled "angry spouse" and these links came up. Maybe you will find them useful as a starting point to discuss couples therapy with your husband.

 

But, from an outsider's POV, there's no way I would want to raise a child with a spouse or partner who has anger issues. I've seen news reports where the angry parent has shaken their baby to death, or physically abused it because the child made the angry parent angry.

 

Raising a child with your husband as he is now (with his anger issues unchecked and out of control), would be like lighting a stick of dynamite and waiting for it to explode with terrible consequences.

 

He needs to consider doing anger therapy and couples counseling with you, if raising a child with him is something important to you. If he doesn't get his anger checked by a mental health professional, I foresee only serious problems in your and your child's future.

 

So You Love An Angry Person

 

The Angry Spouse

 

The Angry Brain: How to Help Men With Uncontrollable Tempers

[darkmoon]

he sounds a bit Obssessive Compulsive, a perfectionist, ask him why he is such a pefectionist, i am such a slob myself

[mrs rubble]

Good luck.

Having raised a child with an angry father, the result was an angry child! However when I split with him I worked very hard on my then 12yo son's anger issues, through anger management training and various community resourses. He used to hit, scream, break things and even tried to set the house on fire once! I used to tell him to give himself 10 push-ups to do everytime he felt like hitting someone at school, the teachers thought that was a great solution and it did stop him from getting into trouble over his anger a number of times. He has now worked through his problems and at 16 he has great control over his emotions.

His father is still the same angry person he ever was, must be a case of you can't teach an old dog new tricks!!

[Downtown]

Has anyone else dealt with a spouse who has issues like this?

Violet, you seem to be describing the warning signs for IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), which is described at the Mayo Clinic website. Generally, folks having that disorder tend to be very apologetic and sorry after the outburst/temper tantrum passes and they cool down. If you cannot persuade him to see a psychologist for evaluation and treatment, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Take care, Violet.

[Hope Shimmers]

I would caution you to take these outbursts very seriously in terms of having children with this man.

 

My question is, are these outbursts ever directed at you? (Even once?)

 

These things don't get better over time; they in fact tend to get worse.

 

He reminds me of my ex-husband (which is why he is ex). I divorced him after 15 years. Except, many of his outbursts were directed at me. He had the same reactions in public - especially related to other people, because he has zero patience and always thinks people are moving too slow. So he would explode in public places when people invariably p!ssed him off.

 

After awhile they became directed at me, and for stupid things like if I didn't pay a bill the day it came in the mail (one of his rules) or if I sat down on the couch if there were dishes in the sink or if I didn't get up fast enough to tend to one of the children in the middle of the night and it woke him up. Or if he thought we spent too much time with my family when he wanted to go home, he would explode as soon as we got in the car.

 

After a few years it became a daily thing and it started to rule the rest of his life too. He got into trouble at work and had to take an anger management course (which did nothing). They made him go to mindfulness training (which also did nothing). I could do nothing right for him. No one could do anything right after awhile.

 

He never hurt the kids, but he had no patience. He still blows up in public over stupid little things when they are around, and it humiliates them.

 

All of this time my family and friends were trying to make me see the light and leave him. He had become abusive and controlling and condescending and insulting. But to me it was a failure to divorce, and I thought if I could just be better, stronger... something... that it would get better.

 

Then one day - it was a Sunday - the day after we had gone to dinner the night before, one of the waiters wished me happy birthday and made a comment that I didn't look my age. I thanked him politely, and my husband was standing right there. Apparently he had been steaming about it since it happened because on Sunday he lashed out at me and accused me of flirting with him, and for the first time it became physical. He hit me several times, screaming at me. Then he tore my clothes off and raped me. That was when I was done.

 

I don't talk about my marriage much on this site, and I don't know if your husband would ever get to that point, but I see the red flags. I really don't think it's going to get any better, I'm sorry to say.

[anika99]

He doesn't sound like a terrible spouse and it doesn't seem you are afraid of him so I think some people might be making this a bigger deal then it is. You have been married to him for almost 10yrs already so I think if this was something that was going to turn into physical abuse you would have seen some evidence of that by now. Actually it doesn't sound like he ever directs his anger at you, he just sounds a bit immature when it comes to managing his anger.

 

 

However it doesn't take much to intimidate and scare a child. He may see his temper as having the occasional mild outburst but his kid(s) will be frightened of him and he won't be able to effectively parent. I would tell him that you won't even consider having a child until he gets some professional help to manage his temper.

[endlessabyss]

Marrjuanna should do the trick.