What makes them come back

[Zapbasket]

Every time I read on here about broken relationships between really young couples, I have to do a few mental gymnastics to relate because I didn't have my first serious relationship until I was 25. At that point, it was realistic to view a relationship as possibly leading to marriage. And now that I'm 38, I look back on that time from age 16 to, say, age 23/24 and remember what a swirl everything was--very mercurial yet very intense at the same time.

 

On the intense end, I can just imagine how hurtful it is to go through a major heartbreak when you're so young and things change drastically from year to year as you experiment with who you are and what you want.

 

And on the mercurial end, I think, how challenging it is to hold on to a relationship for a long time while you both are discovering who you are and what you want out of life and things can change from month to month. To be able to love so deeply and hold on to a relationship for so long bodes really well for your romantic attachments in the future. BUT: you also need to embrace this time as an opportunity to really get to know yourself, to be unafraid to experiment, to dive into new experiences and explore new people and things as deeply and introspectively as you can. Only then can you build a solid foundation for who you are for the rest of your life. I'll tell you, as I recover from a string of broken relationships that finally revealed a pattern in who I choose as partners that doesn't work for me, I go back to that time before I took dating seriously (I didn't even date all that much because I felt I had too much stuff I wanted to accomplish), back to my early twenties and late teens, and I try to reconnect with that strong, self-assured yet delicate young woman who put myself first. I'm so glad I have that to draw from, to help me become the woman I want to be today. I took risks, changed careers, made myself independent from my family, and overall accomplished a great deal, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and on all the "surface" fronts that we define as "success."

 

At the same time, looking back, I wish that in all that daring and experimentation of that period I had dated more. Maybe none of the relationships would have lasted, but they would have given me another venue in which to grow as a person.

 

And in that light, to you I would say, Good for you, for getting out there and loving like that. But don't lose yourself in the loss of this woman; get out there and keep experimenting. Keep throwing yourself into new experiences and keep asking yourself what means most to you in life and then go for it with everything you have. I promise you that you will thank yourself later. The hurt, the pain, all of that bad stuff will make you stronger and richer as a person so long as you choose to ride the wave and keep moving forward with an open heart and the trust that everything is exactly as it should be, and you are exactly where you need to be.

 

I hope none of this sounds condescending or patronizing, because that it not my intent at all. It's my older self trying to speak to my younger self, through you. It's what I would have wanted someone to say to me were I in your shoes.

 

I'm saying, chin up. This girl is not and was not The Meaning of your Life. No ONE person ever will be. There is something deeper in all of this, that is exclusively for YOU and is positive and beautiful if you let it open you, split you open like a seed growing into the sturdy tree it will become. Focus on YOU, and everything will fall into place, I promise you. ((hugs))

[geronimo]

organizedchaos - I know you don't but shes now 20 and we were together for 5 years, clearly there was something there that kept it going for that long. Her sis also said shes now maturing and thinking about her future, I think thats the biggest reason for the breakup. I remember even having conversations with her about it, her saying that she doesn't want her parents or my parents to resent us or our future kids cuz of the religion thing. I think that was her biggest motivator to leave. But its been done and nothing I can do will change her mind. I can only hope that this guy doesn't treat her as well as I did and she realizes not everyone will do the things I did for her, even 5 years down the road. Sure everything is happy go lucky and fun in the beginning but the honey moon stage ends.

 

GreenCove - You weren't condescending or patronizing at all. I realized that her and I were young when we started dating but I always knew that this was going to be the girl I was going to marry. I know its stupid to think that but I had always wanted to be the one woman type of guy and she did fit every criteria I wanted in a girl. She was beautiful, same background as me, understood the language and culture, we had so much in common, liked the same things, did the same things and it really helped that we were eachothers first kiss and everything (even tho we didn't really have sex cuz she wanted to wait till marriage) but I was ok with that and actually liked that she had enough self control to do that. I feel like since we were with eachother from our teens to young adulthood we kinda moulded eachother and grew together in most aspects. BUT ultimately you are right I guess I need to get over it now, she is gone and may probably never come back. I need to learn from this experience and discover what else is out there, who knows maybe I'll find someone who is exactly like her and is the same religion which will make it easier for me aswell.

Thank you so much for your kind words, yes I am trying to focus on myself now, I had gained a bit of weight in my relationship so firstly I'm trying to lose that and focus on finishing off my school and getting to my career.