Unsure

[Rosietoes75]

My husband and I have been married for three years, together for six. We moved down to North Carolina a month after we were married. The wedding was a disaster with his mom being nasty and half my family not showing up. Afterwards his mother threw me out of the house, not my husband. Well three years later and Anthony is not the man I knew. We've been to marriage counseling, and he didn't work at our marriage. That was last spring into September when our therapist told us there was nothing else she could do for us. She said he's verbally abusive and clearly doesn't want to be married regardless of what he says. His actions say differently. I have been called every name under the sun for simple things like asking him to take out the garbage or empty the dishwasher. On days like yesterday, one of his days off, he will sit from the time I leave for school and work and play video games until long after I come home. Last night he was up until 3 am. I went to bed without him. We rarely have sex and its only when he wants it because I no longer do. I am driving my friends crazy though because I am so confused. Some days are like yesterday, where nothing gets done and he's up until 3 playing games. He never willingly does things around the house, don't get me wrong, its always frustrating. But some days he's nice. I catch a glimpse of the man I once loved. We will play games and put together puzzles and enjoy the dogs. But it always goes back to this... to me feeling like I made a giant mistake. Marriage shouldn't feel this way... at least I hope it shouldn't. I am not sure. I no longer know what to do. Ive been saying I'm leaving for two and a half years now, since the day he spit in my face for no reason. But I haven't left. Not only haven't I left, I bought a house with him and adopted 5 dogs. And of course the dogs would come with me because he doesn't actually even like them. So now I am in a position where I have myself and 5 dogs and no full time job because I have been in school to further my education. I graduate next May. I was hoping to hold out till then... but theres always the question of what if things get better? What if he becomes the husband I need? And no, I don't need a perfect guy. I do need a partner though. An adult who does things around the house when they need to be done if he's home so that I don't have to come home from a long day of school and work and do all of those things around the house as well. I do want someone who will come to bed with me most nights and want to be with me. Someone who will want to spend time with me. He says he does... but again his actions say differently. I no long know where to turn or what to do. I am at a loss. I am tried of yelling and nagging. I never nagged! I was not that type of person! Now I nag. I am tired of feeling this way.

[d0nnivain]

You tried. You went to marriage counseling. Even the counselor seems to be giving up because he's not trying. You can't hold this marriage together on your own. So leave. What else is there?

[No Limit]

The man you married just isn't there anymore. Cut your losses and leave, this is going nowhere.

[Rosietoes75]

but what if he just needs time to grow up? Time to mature? what if its me?

[KBarletta]

but what if he just needs time to grow up? Time to mature? what if its me?

 

What are your ages? Do you have kids? Are your families nearby?

 

If he's old enough to be married for three years and attend marriage counseling, he should be mature enough by now to deal with being an actual partner in a marriage, doing things around the house, spending time/energy on your relationship. Your post makes him sound like an overgrown child. On top of that, he has verbally abused you and spit in your face? Those are unacceptable. If all he was doing was staying up until 3 a.m. playing video games but the rest of your life were good, I would say you should stick around and work it out. But there's way more to it than that. You have a child for a husband. I would cut your losses and get out.

[Michelle ma Belle]

but what if he just needs time to grow up? Time to mature? what if its me?

 

Sweetie, you're in an emotionally abusive marriage. And this is only the beginning I'm afraid.

 

21 Big Signs of Emotional Abuse You May Be Overlooking -Lovepanky

 

This isn't about YOU or anything you're doing wrong. The signs were all there at the very beginning with what his mother told you. This is HIS issue and HIS doing and it will NOT get better.

 

I know how difficult it is to realize that your happily-ever-after isn't what you hoped it would be but for your sake and for the sake of your dogs and unborn children you need to let him go.

 

You deserve better than this.

 

Good luck.

[KBarletta]

You deserve better than this.

 

+1.

 

1. If you have communicated to him what you want out of this relationship (and if you have been in MC, then my guess is that, yes, you have), and he hasn't made an effort to meet you halfway, that is a deal-breaker IMO.

 

2. He has abused you. Also a deal-breaker, IMO.

 

3. Unless there is some huge, unforgivable misdeed that you have committed that could somehow have driven him to behave this way that you conveniently forgot to mention, this is NOT on you.

[d0nnivain]

but what if he just needs time to grow up? Time to mature? what if its me?

 

You are kidding right?

 

You have been with him for 6 years & married for 3. He's had plenty of time to grow up. This is as good as it's going to get.

 

How can it be you? You take care of your animals & go to school. Granted he has a job but doesn't even take out the trash. He plays video games to the exclusion of all else. He calls you names. The marriage counselor you paid for her professional & superior advice told you it's him.

 

Other than continuing to put up with this, what did you do to ruin this marriage? You seem to be putting in effort while he does nothing. It's not you & you can't let him brainwash you into thinking it is.

[mammasita]

Its never our (meaning you or I) job to change another person (meaning your husband or any other person) because the bottom line is we can't......Nor is it our responsibility to sit around and wait for them to see the light because its time wasted.

 

You gave it your best effort with counseling, now pick up your pieces and get out.

[Rosietoes75]

You all have valid points. And no... I haven't done anything per say to ruin this marriage. I just feel that sometimes I can be a bit difficult. Like I want the towels folded a certain way... Then again he doesn't do it at all. Or I want certain pieces of clothing hung up. I don't know... I can't think of all the ways I can be difficult but sometimes I feel as though anyone else would've left. And yes I take care of my animals and the house and go to school full time and work five jobs but he works too. A full time job. And yes some weeks I don't get a day off where he always has 2 days a week off... But maybe I'm asking too much? And then there's the fact that I'm told I make excuses for him. And honestly I've gotten to a point where I'm done yelling and nagging. I just do everything myself. But the question really is when is enough really enough? I'm just lucky we have no children together.

 

And if I leave I wanna do this smart. I wanna make sure I have enough saved and stuff. But that may not happen for another year. Is it worth it to stick it out another year?

[Zahara]

Ive been saying I'm leaving for two and a half years now, since the day he spit in my face for no reason. But I haven't left. Not only haven't I left, I bought a house with him and adopted 5 dogs.

 

I wanna make sure I have enough saved and stuff. But that may not happen for another year. Is it worth it to stick it out another year?

 

Really? I think you're coming up with excuses.

 

Honestly, I'd live in a cardboard box than tolerate another year of being treated like garbage.

[KBarletta]

You all have valid points. And no... I haven't done anything per say to ruin this marriage. I just feel that sometimes I can be a bit difficult. Like I want the towels folded a certain way... Then again he doesn't do it at all. Or I want certain pieces of clothing hung up. I don't know... I can't think of all the ways I can be difficult but sometimes I feel as though anyone else would've left. And yes I take care of my animals and the house and go to school full time and work five jobs but he works too. A full time job. And yes some weeks I don't get a day off where he always has 2 days a week off... But maybe I'm asking too much? And then there's the fact that I'm told I make excuses for him. And honestly I've gotten to a point where I'm done yelling and nagging. I just do everything myself. But the question really is when is enough really enough? I'm just lucky we have no children together.

 

And if I leave I wanna do this smart. I wanna make sure I have enough saved and stuff. But that may not happen for another year. Is it worth it to stick it out another year?

 

Everyone, and I mean Every. Single. Person. On. Earth. is going to have traits that will become annoying or seem difficult at times in a LTR. Wanting the towels folded a certain way and wanting clothes hung a certain way may get on his nerves, but they are not even close to being equal to enduring the verbal abuse you described, name calling, getting spat upon and having your requests for help and attention largely ignored. That kind of behavior is not worth tolerating, particularly when he has had a chance to address these problems and refused to do so.

 

When is enough enough? Most people would say right now. ... Do you have possible alternative living arrangements you can set up so you don't have to wait a year? That seems like an awfully long time to live in limbo.

[d0nnivain]

You are enabling this behavior. By sticking around you are telling him it's OK to treat you this way. The fact that you stayed for 2.5 years & are thinking about staying for another year indicates to me that you are a doormat. What doe she have to do to make you stick up for yourself, murder one of your animals.

 

My EX had a fussy way of folding the towels. He'd say something to me when I didn't fold them right. My response: this is how I fold towels. Say thank you because I did this task so you don't have to. If you can't say thank you I'm never folding another towel because I don't have enough time in the day to do something only to watch you do it again or get pissed off about it. Life's too short. Do it yourself. I never folded another towel during our 10 years of living together.

 

being picky about towels does not justify spitting on you.

 

Your own therapist told you to get out. Your friends know you make excuses for him. When will enough be enough? Until you are ready to stick up for yourself all the education, therapy & message boards in the world won't help you.

[Rosietoes75]

yes... it is an awfully long time to live in limbo... because well ive been in limbo for maybe the past year. and hes had soooo many chances and ive asked in sooo many ways for him to do things or communicate or whatever. so today i decided to ask for advice here cause well im lost. I dont know where to go or what to do with five dogs. And even if i left two, i would still have three that mandatorily need to come with me cause he doesnt want them/ doesnt like them/ they have a purpose in my future job and have been trained to by me to be such. Theres also the question of credit. I dont have a job on the books at the moment and have no proof of income. so theres that. I was hoping to rent a small house from a private owner but I cant seem to find that. I could totally afford it though!

[ruhrohcd]

I'm jealous of this guy.

 

I didn't help out very much with chores, but my ex had quit work to be a part time student and then got pissed when I didn't want to clean up after her and her teenage son when I got home from work. I never came close to spitting on her, calling her names, or even raising my voice. I was nearly completely subservient, and still got dumped on my ass, no last ditch effort at counseling.

 

What the hell has this guy got going for him that makes him so special, and how do I get some of it? I was accused of not being a real partner even as I was the sole source of income as she went to school, slept in most days, and did who knows what with her days off of school. If I wasn't a real partner, there has to be another name for what this guy is. Or maybe I was an amateur not-real partner, and he's gone pro. Yikes.

 

I admire and respect you for trying to save your marriage, but it doesn't sound like there's much to save. I hope you can find someone who deserves you. That's not easy, and I don't believe it in my own case, but being alone would have to be better than what you've currently got going.