Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Why do they give or say what you want when you have finally had enough and they feel you pulling away? Yes I know the answer to this, but it makes me so angry that I need to vent. Today I'm being bombarded with bread crumbs from him because he senses I'm pulling away. This past month I barely registered on his radar, today I had to ask him if he was even working because he was emailing me so much. All because of a flippant one sentence email reply I gave him. Now he puts it into over drive. God forbid I realize what a complete fool I've been for him and move on. Oh no he can't have that. I'm so angry..with myself more. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 People tend to take other for granted in R's. This is why you get married so they can't run away so easily when you take them for granted! Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Blu It won't stop until you stop it. Instead of being angry at yourself be smart about yourself and get yourself out of this toxic mess you are in . There is only one way to do it. Bite the bullet and endure the pain . No short cuts a available Aren't you worth more than crumbs 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Short answer - yes I am. Long answer - is just more bs I would tell myself so it doesn't matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 I'm sorry Blu, It's obvious you're having a ****ty time and I wish there was something I could say that could make it better for you. Sadly there are no magic words. It's a roller coaster. There are ups, and there are downs. Even when you feel like you're about to vomit from the ride often we stay on for just one more circuit because the highs are so good the nausea seems worth it. It'll carry on this way until we choose to get off. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Riri90 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 An older woman once told me if I wanted to understand men and their behavior to just go watch some little kids interacting on a playground. Ever notice that one toy that a little boy could careless about? The one he tossed to the side in favor of a new toy or an older but more meaningful toy? As soon as another little boy shows interest in that old, discarded toy all hell will break loose on that playground. He doesn't necessarily want you but he doesn't want you move on either. Typical selfish childish behavior. If NC isn't option at this time I would just continue being distance and ignoring him. It's obviously getting under his skin. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 I'm sorry Blu, It's obvious you're having a ****ty time and I wish there was something I could say that could make it better for you. Sadly there are no magic words. It's a roller coaster. There are ups, and there are downs. Even when you feel like you're about to vomit from the ride often we stay on for just one more circuit because the highs are so good the nausea seems worth it. It'll carry on this way until we choose to get off. Thank you. Roller coaster ride of epic proportions that's for sure. I'm trying to get to a place where I don't give a damn anymore. Just when I think I might get there, I talk myself into stupid crap that keeps this thing going. I can't even blame him, it's me that allows this to drag on. I am fully aware I have the power to stop this I just wish I could follow thru. It's hard to end this and even the friendship after this long. My head knows it's time but my heart is all together a different story. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 He senses you pull away so he ups the attention. It's too much hassle to find someone else willing to be a sidepiece. If he has to say nice things to sweeten you up, he'll do that. If he has to say he loves you, he'll do that. Anything to keep it coming. You have such strong feelings that you can't walk away and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to get out of it. The minute his wife finds out, you get dropped and he tells her you meant nothing, you were available, nothing special, she's worth a million of you blah blah blah. He'll say that he only said those nice things to you (if she sees texts and emails) to keep the A going and then of course you get labelled as a cumdumpster. Wasting your time on a relationship going nowhere with a single guy is pointless, but with a MM it's crazy. Your short changing yourself for settling to be the OW. Have you tried IC to look into what it is, that led you down this path and why you don't deserve better than another woman's husband. It's clearly not making you happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anabel32 Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 (edited) Why do they give or say what you want when you have finally had enough and they feel you pulling away? Yes I know the answer to this, but it makes me so angry that I need to vent. Today I'm being bombarded with bread crumbs from him because he senses I'm pulling away. This past month I barely registered on his radar, today I had to ask him if he was even working because he was emailing me so much. All because of a flippant one sentence email reply I gave him. Now he puts it into over drive. God forbid I realize what a complete fool I've been for him and move on. Oh no he can't have that. I'm so angry..with myself more. I think the question... "Why do they give or say what you want when you have finally had enough and they feel you pulling away? Should be more replaced with question: Why do I allow this to happen to me... why do I let myself be treated this way?? I think rather then claiming you know the answer to the first question, do you know the answer to the second one?? Think about it Blu... I am in the same boat as you... But we need to shift the attention to ourselfs and wonder what keep us so stuck. No one would stay in such unhealthy situation for that long ... him and yourself are both feeding to the toxiticity of this relationship. He is not more toxic then you are. I am sorry it sounds harsh but we are so afraid to face the truth sometimes and take responsibility for the contribution to this whole situation. I struggle with this too, but I am staring to be aware of it now... You need to stop this...You really do Blu. And it has to come from you, rather you letting him to pull away and hope he will not be back. You need to take the power and close the door, as he will ALWAYS keep the foot in to keep the door open. Nothing is easy ... but it will be worth it... in a long long term.. And to Answer your question: "Why do they give or say what you want when you have finally had enough and they feel you pulling away? - HE IS JUST MANAGING SLOWLY YOUR EXPECTATIONS DOWN... so next time he doesn't have to try that hard. Edited March 19, 2015 by anabel32 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Blu.... What happens with the push-and-pull, imbalance of power is that you lose control of you. Your self and well-being becomes tied into whether this man wants you in his life. In my case, ex-MM gaslighted me bit by bit until I was so completely dependent on him for my own sordid existence that I did not think I could go on without him. I no longer think he did it to be malicious - I think he did it out of fear and his need to control me so that I would not be free to leave. In your case, other posters are suggesting that you are only his 'side piece' and he just wants you for sex. This is typical talk of others not in the situation, although it may be true. It also may not be true. It may be that he is as emotionally invested as you are, and that he is doing what he's doing because he fears losing you. But whatever his reasons, what he is doing with the push-and-pull is manipulating you to a position so that you lose your identity and independence without him around. He does not want you gone. He wants you where he wants you, which is right there whenever he feels like reaching out. It does become an addiction, which is why those panicky feelings come around when you think about being without him and going NC. You wonder how you are going to get through without him in your life. Then you wonder what happened to that strong person who was there before you met MM. In my case, I was extremely damaged at the end of the relationship and I even though suicide would be better than going on without him. That's how much he had pounded me into the ground. Although I had loved him very much at one point, it was no longer love - it was about control and addiction. I did read several books about relationship addiction at that time and recognized myself in some of the stories. Please don't let it get to the point that I did. The sooner you take back your life, the less you will lose of yourself. I lost almost 10 years. Don't be me. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 My fear for you is at one point HE will end it leaving you feeling abandoned and rejected rather than you taking control and treating him as he has treated you the hot cold routine and putting you on the backburner so often until like you said he pulls away. This same behavior kept me on the hook years and years and years. Be stronger than me. I had the upper hand and power many times and gave it back many times then settled for friendship breadcrumbs only to be broken hearted and confused for months. I pray for your strength and totally empathize and do not judge you its SO hard to let go I know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Blu.... What happens with the push-and-pull, imbalance of power is that you lose control of you. Your self and well-being becomes tied into whether this man wants you in his life. In my case, ex-MM gaslighted me bit by bit until I was so completely dependent on him for my own sordid existence that I did not think I could go on without him. I no longer think he did it to be malicious - I think he did it out of fear and his need to control me so that I would not be free to leave. In your case, other posters are suggesting that you are only his 'side piece' and he just wants you for sex. This is typical talk of others not in the situation, although it may be true. It also may not be true. It may be that he is as emotionally invested as you are, and that he is doing what he's doing because he fears losing you. But whatever his reasons, what he is doing with the push-and-pull is manipulating you to a position so that you lose your identity and independence without him around. He does not want you gone. He wants you where he wants you, which is right there whenever he feels like reaching out. It does become an addiction, which is why those panicky feelings come around when you think about being without him and going NC. You wonder how you are going to get through without him in your life. Then you wonder what happened to that strong person who was there before you met MM. In my case, I was extremely damaged at the end of the relationship and I even though suicide would be better than going on without him. That's how much he had pounded me into the ground. Although I had loved him very much at one point, it was no longer love - it was about control and addiction. I did read several books about relationship addiction at that time and recognized myself in some of the stories. Please don't let it get to the point that I did. The sooner you take back your life, the less you will lose of yourself. I lost almost 10 years. Don't be me. That struck a hard raw nerve ....... Tears 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 Is it possible you can not do right by yourself because you are addicted not to him or the affair, but the drama? I do not mean it as a slight, but as a point of self reflection? I know for myself, there have been times when I have allowed situations get out of control because the rush of the drama. We all have low points in life where the blahs or whatever take over and even things that are negative fill a void in ourselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 He's acts like some kids act when they're punished. They will butter mom up and be on their best behavior so mom will change her mind. He probably behaves this way when his wife is upset with him, too. It worked on mom, it works with his wife and he thinks it will work on you, too. It doesn't really matter whether a MM has malicious intent and is consciously using you or if MM is just a weak, confused, emotionally messed up man who doesn't mean to hurt people but hurts everyone anyway. Both scenarios are bad deals where OW and his wife and family will end up hurt and disappointed. Stay strong. He will only bring you down. A life with him would be constant push pull, drama and uncertainty. He can try all he wants but you don't have to listen. Show him with your silence that you deserve better than to be wasting your time on a guy like him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 To keep you on the hook. Then, when you're coming back, he'll pull away. Please think of your emotional well-being and end this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Blu.... What happens with the push-and-pull, imbalance of power is that you lose control of you. Your self and well-being becomes tied into whether this man wants you in his life. In my case, ex-MM gaslighted me bit by bit until I was so completely dependent on him for my own sordid existence that I did not think I could go on without him. I no longer think he did it to be malicious - I think he did it out of fear and his need to control me so that I would not be free to leave. In your case, other posters are suggesting that you are only his 'side piece' and he just wants you for sex. This is typical talk of others not in the situation, although it may be true. It also may not be true. It may be that he is as emotionally invested as you are, and that he is doing what he's doing because he fears losing you. But whatever his reasons, what he is doing with the push-and-pull is manipulating you to a position so that you lose your identity and independence without him around. He does not want you gone. He wants you where he wants you, which is right there whenever he feels like reaching out. It does become an addiction, which is why those panicky feelings come around when you think about being without him and going NC. You wonder how you are going to get through without him in your life. Then you wonder what happened to that strong person who was there before you met MM. In my case, I was extremely damaged at the end of the relationship and I even though suicide would be better than going on without him. That's how much he had pounded me into the ground. Although I had loved him very much at one point, it was no longer love - it was about control and addiction. I did read several books about relationship addiction at that time and recognized myself in some of the stories. Please don't let it get to the point that I did. The sooner you take back your life, the less you will lose of yourself. I lost almost 10 years. Don't be me. Thank you for this. It helps me feel like I am not alone and that as horrible as I feel someone understands. I do feel it's an addiction at times because of the pure anxiety I get during the push/pull of this mess. The lows of an affair are horrendous. But what the hell did I expect, so I only have myself to blame. But thank you, everything you have said is spot on and I appreciate your honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 My fear for you is at one point HE will end it leaving you feeling abandoned and rejected rather than you taking control and treating him as he has treated you the hot cold routine and putting you on the backburner so often until like you said he pulls away. This same behavior kept me on the hook years and years and years. Be stronger than me. I had the upper hand and power many times and gave it back many times then settled for friendship breadcrumbs only to be broken hearted and confused for months. I pray for your strength and totally empathize and do not judge you its SO hard to let go I know. He will never end it. I have tried ending it a few times - epic fail. When he changed jobs 3 years, I figured it would end even though he didn't give me the indication he wanted it to. I vowed to not reach out and to let him move on to his new endeavor. Within a month he was reaching out. I kept it at bay to friendly emails maybe once every other week for about 4 months. I was sure that part of it was over. Nope..he reeled me back in and it's been on/off ever since. The end has to come from me and I have to mean it or he will continue. I know this..I'm working toward getting to the place of NC. Thank you for the kind words of support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 19, 2015 Author Share Posted March 19, 2015 Thank you for all who replied. I appreciate all the feedback even the things that make me cringe knowing they are truths about myself and the situation. For the first time since this all started I am trying to face all of this and myself. Admittedly I have days when I rather hide from the truth and avoid it all together. I have so many thoughts/feelings for why I have let it get to this point but at the end of the day they are just excuses that hold no real merit. I will be honest, I struggle with a part of me who isnt ready to let him go. I struggle with the idea of absolute NC. The fear of going NC and following thru paralyzes me. I hate myself for being weak when freedom would make me stronger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Blu - I used to spend so much time wondering about exMMs motives, why he did what he did. He too would use hot and cold behavior with me. Oh, it was torture. We would get close, he would pull away, I would get hurt, then as soon as I would pull back in retaliation, he would show up again. I would create all these intentions behind his behavior and get so angry with him until I realized, he wasn't coldly calculating how to 'reel me back in'. He was just blindly responding to his own emotions, just like me. He really wasn't all that intelligent about it. What was truly important was how awful it made ME feel. Add to it that he began to realize how much it hurt me, and still did it anyway (for him, I believe it was out of fear of getting too close as well as guilt). Even if he didn't have cruel or malicious intentions, it wasn't good for me, period. That's how I knew it just wasn't okay. (amongst a few other things!) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 Southern Sun, thank you. A lot of that rings true in my situation as well. The constant questioning and analyzing his every move. I really think he has no clue how crazy the back/forth makes me. He is genuinely a good person who undoubtedly lost his way and we both made this mistake. I don't blame him for my part in this. He never placed a gun to my head. Yes he makes every attempt to pull me in, especially when he feels I'm fading to black, but I let him. The end to this has to come from me. Talking my way through this on here has helped me face a lot of things I have been avoiding. I can honestly say I'm not 100% there yet, but I want to work toward ending it. I know NC is the way to go, but that scares me. The pain of that scares me. But I know eventually its something I have to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blu72 Posted March 20, 2015 Author Share Posted March 20, 2015 i realized tonight that MM has been at work all day and a conference all night and he still has been emailing all day/night. Obviously only because he senses my annoyance and pulling away. At midnight he was still sending an email. I'm sitting here re-reading our correspondence and it's all just breadcrumbs from him. Over the top compliments and attempts at making plans he will never follow thru with. When this last month, I was lucky if I got a quick email from him once/twice a week. Breadcrumbs are for birds. I'm not a damn bird. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Breadcrumbs are for birds. I'm not a damn bird. Good. Then don't reply. You can start now. Take each day one at a time. One hour or minute or second at a time. You can do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 That struck a hard raw nerve ....... Tears I'm sorry Cinnimon. I don't want to make tears. I hate that. I just want to prevent others from what I did, if I can. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 So, Hope and others- in retrospect- what would have changed your thinking during your A- were you in counseling at the time, did you post on a forum like this- I think about my husband and I often wonder if we addressed his depression rather than just writing it off as life related stress if things would have been different- Link to post Share on other sites
Ronnie33 Posted March 20, 2015 Share Posted March 20, 2015 Blu.... What happens with the push-and-pull, imbalance of power is that you lose control of you. Your self and well-being becomes tied into whether this man wants you in his life. In my case, ex-MM gaslighted me bit by bit until I was so completely dependent on him for my own sordid existence that I did not think I could go on without him. I no longer think he did it to be malicious - I think he did it out of fear and his need to control me so that I would not be free to leave. In your case, other posters are suggesting that you are only his 'side piece' and he just wants you for sex. This is typical talk of others not in the situation, although it may be true. It also may not be true. It may be that he is as emotionally invested as you are, and that he is doing what he's doing because he fears losing you. But whatever his reasons, what he is doing with the push-and-pull is manipulating you to a position so that you lose your identity and independence without him around. He does not want you gone. He wants you where he wants you, which is right there whenever he feels like reaching out. It does become an addiction, which is why those panicky feelings come around when you think about being without him and going NC. You wonder how you are going to get through without him in your life. Then you wonder what happened to that strong person who was there before you met MM. In my case, I was extremely damaged at the end of the relationship and I even though suicide would be better than going on without him. That's how much he had pounded me into the ground. Although I had loved him very much at one point, it was no longer love - it was about control and addiction. I did read several books about relationship addiction at that time and recognized myself in some of the stories. Please don't let it get to the point that I did. The sooner you take back your life, the less you will lose of yourself. I lost almost 10 years. Don't be me.[/ Thank you for this Hope, reading it sounded so very sad and familiar but it was what I needed to move me forward today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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