I already know the answer...

[blue963]

blu72 how long has this been going on?

[blue963]

blu72 maybe if you sent him the reply "breadcrumbs are for birds...I am not bird." it Might make you feel better.

[Blu72]

On/off for about 4 years. Yesterday I pretty much had a snide comment for every breadcrumb thrown my way. I think he finally sees my feelings on the subject, but that will never change the fact this needs to end. So it doesn't really matter what I say to him now.

[lookingforclosure]

My xMM would do the exact same thing after we had been seeing each other regular for a year. I would get to the point that I couldn't handle the guilt and stress and would tell him to go be with his family and to make his marriage work....that's when he would come back with all the texts that he couldn't picture his life without me and blah blah blah. Then things would be good for a couple weeks, maybe a month and then he would do the fade away and I would reach out to him with panic and anxiety. I was better when it was on my terms I guess. He officially ended it Dec saying he needed to try and make things work for his family. It hurt like hell but I told him I respected it and to take care. I didn't reach out like I used to and then 2 weeks later he pops up and said he was sorry. He wished he hadn't had held out so long about our future and he didn't mean to hurt me. That he felt he made a terrible decision and it sucked. Well it reeled me back in...I replied right away. Stupid me thinking things had changed and he wanted only me. Then a month later he ended it kinda open ended with the "it's not goodbye, it's soon baby" and poof...gone

 

I think it's easier when it ends on our terms..there aren't the "unanswered" questions so to speak. I sunk very very low over the last two months feeling unworthy, feeling like I had been disgarded like trash. That I wasn't worth anything. I even prayed one night for God to not let me awake the next morning it hurt so bad. Then a friend, who is very blunt and wonderful told me to never let anyone EVER have that much control over you. You are worthy of love....just not like this. I was vulnerable from my divorce where I lacked the emotional and physical intimacy with my husband. He was an alcoholic and wanted to drink more than be a husband. I allowed myself to entertain another knowing they were married, no matter how miserable he said he marriage was...he was stilled married. That was a line I never thought I would cross but I felt so much better about myself when I was with him. Now i'm working on feeling good about myself for just being who I AM.

 

I can't control how he has chosen to deal with our relationship...but I have gained strength to be able to control how I react, and i'm not entertaining him at all. I have seen on posts that they almost always try to creep back...I will hopefully be in the place where I can just ignore him, as he has chosen to do me. I hope one day to find a healthy, loving relationship one day. And you know what, I have the opportunity to do just that

[Blu72]

So, Hope and others- in retrospect- what would have changed your thinking during your A- were you in counseling at the time, did you post on a forum like this- I think about my husband and I often wonder if we addressed his depression rather than just writing it off as life related stress if things would have been different-

 

When MM left for another company 3 years ago, I was devastated. I silently grieved his leaving. I didn't make a fuss to him about it.. I put on a smile and supported him thru his decision. I was a complete mess. I started IC a few weeks before his last day thinking it might help. She was horrible..and I never really got to talk about the affair because I ended the sessions pretty early on cause she was no help. I really need to find someone else to get me thru this. I think IC with the right person would help me tremendously.

[gettingstronger]

Blu- for whatever reason I do hear a lot that a good therapist is hard to find. I must have gotten really lucky because the first one I saw was perfect for me-I do have to say its easy to put therapy on the back burner, I found it difficult to wade through the insurance mess to find mental health- that is kind of a bummer, its easier to find someone to remove a wart than to find someone to help you in therapy-

 

Make it a priority because in essence that is making you a priority-

 

Good luck-

[Hope Shimmers]

So, Hope and others- in retrospect- what would have changed your thinking during your A- were you in counseling at the time, did you post on a forum like this- I think about my husband and I often wonder if we addressed his depression rather than just writing it off as life related stress if things would have been different-

 

I wasn't in counseling. I wasn't even fit for counseling. I saw no hope in anything.

 

I did post here. Many people helped me. Mostly betrayed spouses, actually. I will be forever grateful.

 

I did also end up on antidepressants, which really saved me.

[Ronnie33]

I just started back on anti depressants after being off for years. The affair, my separation and everything combined was too much. Hopefully they help. It's amazing what we put ourselves through even when we know how harmful it is.

[Blu72]

I just started back on anti depressants after being off for years. The affair, my separation and everything combined was too much. Hopefully they help. It's amazing what we put ourselves through even when we know how harmful it is.

 

I was on anti-depressants right before the affair started and went off them right before I found out he was changing jobs. I had a complete meltdown and breakdown because I went off them cold turkey. It was horrible. I went back on them but it took me a good 2 months to come out of that.

[Josmatjes]

The past 9 months for me were awful. I've never felt depression like that before. You get to a point where you feel you have nothing to look forward too. But my IC helped and friends and keeping busy.

He still tries to keep me on the line but I wontfall for it anymore. It's over for me and I never want to feel that pain again!

 

Stay strong and take each day as it comes!

[MJJean]

Blu - I used to spend so much time wondering about exMMs motives, why he did what he did. He too would use hot and cold behavior with me. Oh, it was torture. We would get close, he would pull away, I would get hurt, then as soon as I would pull back in retaliation, he would show up again. I would create all these intentions behind his behavior and get so angry with him until I realized, he wasn't coldly calculating how to 'reel me back in'.

 

Southern, I used your post to quote because it had the phrasing I needed, but this is in general to everyone reading the thread and the OP.

 

I'm a former MW who had multiple affairs during my sham of a first marriage and I'd like to offer a different perspective. Who knows, maybe it will help.

 

I, too, did the push-pull. And it wasn't because I was getting too close or too emotionally attached. It was because my AP was seeming to be getting too close and too emotionally attached. I didn't want the closeness or emotional involvement, but I also didn't want to lose a sex partner. So, I'd push away when I felt my AP was getting a little too involved beyond the sex and then I'd pull back in when I figured the danger was passed.

 

My AP's were friends as well as sex partners and I did care about them as one cares about a friend. We did have moments of real closeness due to the bonds of friendship and the sexual nature of our relationship combined. But I didn't want those moments growing into something more on the side of my AP since I had no intention or desire to become emotionally involved in a romantic way.

 

I'm not saying all MM/MW feel the way I felt. I'm just saying that I can see how a lot of people would think the MM/MW was getting too close for their own comfort when in reality it was the AP who was getting too close for the comfort of the MM/MW. Sometimes it's easy to misinterpret actions when no reason is actually given.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think the worst thing for me was thinking that he never gave a damn. Really, it's bad enough that you give your heart to someone only later to see it in tiny shards around your feet. What makes that infinitely worse is if you did that for someone who never cared about you at all. How do you come to terms with having an entire decade of your life be a lie?

 

I know I react badly (and not always reasonably) to people here who routinely say "it was just for sex" or "he was never as emotionally invested as you were in him". But it's such a cruel thing to say to someone who feels horrible enough that they have wasted a decade on someone who just ended up pounding them into a depressed, sad, suicidal mess. But to then be told that EVERYTHING you did was wrong, it was never worth anything, and it was all a lie every second... that's indescribable.

 

Realistically I know those generalizations aren't true (not always anyway, and not in my case), but I also know that it doesn't matter in a way because it doesn't change anything in the long run. But it still does matter.

[Blu72]

Thank you MJJean for that other perspective. In the beginning, I often thought the same thing. That it was just the physical and maybe he pulled away because he didn't want me to become too emotionally invested. But when I sat back and thought about it, I always tried to mirror where he was in this. I never was any more intense than he was. I never ever pushed him for anything or became 'clingy'. I always let him be the one to reach out for contact for the most part.

In fact, at one point he said he pulled away because he was worried I may have felt he was coming on to strong. At times he would.

 

I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I think in my heart of hearts I know how he feels but that doesn't change the reality of this.

[Ronnie33]

I think the worst thing for me was thinking that he never gave a damn. Really, it's bad enough that you give your heart to someone only later to see it in tiny shards around your feet. What makes that infinitely worse is if you did that for someone who never cared about you at all. How do you come to terms with having an entire decade of your life be a lie?

 

I know I react badly (and not always reasonably) to people here who routinely say "it was just for sex" or "he was never as emotionally invested as you were in him". But it's such a cruel thing to say to someone who feels horrible enough that they have wasted a decade on someone who just ended up pounding them into a depressed, sad, suicidal mess. But to then be told that EVERYTHING you did was wrong, it was never worth anything, and it was all a lie every second... that's indescribable.

 

Realistically I know those generalizations aren't true (not always anyway, and not in my case), but I also know that it doesn't matter in a way because it doesn't change anything in the long run. But it still does matter.

 

This is the hardest part, agreed totally with these two paragraphs.

[Josmatjes]

I think the worst thing for me was thinking that he never gave a damn. Really, it's bad enough that you give your heart to someone only later to see it in tiny shards around your feet. What makes that infinitely worse is if you did that for someone who never cared about you at all. How do you come to terms with having an entire decade of your life be a lie?

 

I know I react badly (and not always reasonably) to people here who routinely say "it was just for sex" or "he was never as emotionally invested as you were in him". But it's such a cruel thing to say to someone who feels horrible enough that they have wasted a decade on someone who just ended up pounding them into a depressed, sad, suicidal mess. But to then be told that EVERYTHING you did was wrong, it was never worth anything, and it was all a lie every second... that's indescribable.

 

Realistically I know those generalizations aren't true (not always anyway, and not in my case), but I also know that it doesn't matter in a way because it doesn't change anything in the long run. But it still does matter.

 

I understand what you are saying. I gave my heart to xmm and he broke it in a million tiny pieces. It wasn't sex. I invested myself into him and when people tell me it wasn't what I thought, it truly hurts. It's such an awful feeling because then you start looking back at every little thing and question it, then you question your sanity.

I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you are doing better...

[sandylee1]

The reason I say 'sidepiece' is that I was used this way many years ago. I had no clue he was in a relationship. He was so elusive, but blamed it on his job, doing night shifts in the ER. Until a friend told me about his relationship.

 

He had someone and he was basically using me for a booty call.

 

I thought he was a nice guy and even introduced the idiot to my family and the whole time he had someone else.

 

I immediately told him to F*** O** and never looked back. I'm just not willing to knowingly share a man while he lives a double life. He thought he was catch of the century and couldn't believe I wasn't interested any more.

 

Of course it hurt me a lot. I was furious that he played me so well for me to introduce to family. Besides my H only one other BF got that privilege.

 

I got through it by knowing I deserved better and hearing his long term GF had got into fights with girls over him cheating before. He wasn't worth another second of my time.

[Hope Shimmers]

Southern, I used your post to quote because it had the phrasing I needed, but this is in general to everyone reading the thread and the OP.

 

I'm a former MW who had multiple affairs during my sham of a first marriage and I'd like to offer a different perspective. Who knows, maybe it will help.

 

I, too, did the push-pull. And it wasn't because I was getting too close or too emotionally attached. It was because my AP was seeming to be getting too close and too emotionally attached. I didn't want the closeness or emotional involvement, but I also didn't want to lose a sex partner. So, I'd push away when I felt my AP was getting a little too involved beyond the sex and then I'd pull back in when I figured the danger was passed.

 

My AP's were friends as well as sex partners and I did care about them as one cares about a friend. We did have moments of real closeness due to the bonds of friendship and the sexual nature of our relationship combined. But I didn't want those moments growing into something more on the side of my AP since I had no intention or desire to become emotionally involved in a romantic way.

 

I'm not saying all MM/MW feel the way I felt. I'm just saying that I can see how a lot of people would think the MM/MW was getting too close for their own comfort when in reality it was the AP who was getting too close for the comfort of the MM/MW. Sometimes it's easy to misinterpret actions when no reason is actually given.

 

This is a good point of view. However, if I remember one of your other posts correctly, you were about 19 years old with a child and in a horrible marriage with cheating involved on both sides, and you were in it only for the sex. I'm not sure that applies so well to people in their 30s/40s/50s.

 

But, I do think that was the case some of the time in my relationship, when he would vacillate back and forth about trying to unwind himself emotionally from what we had. I remember him saying one time to me "I'm not over this yet. But I have to be." That was after he went back to his marriage.

[DKT3]

I think the worst thing for me was thinking that he never gave a damn. Really, it's bad enough that you give your heart to someone only later to see it in tiny shards around your feet. What makes that infinitely worse is if you did that for someone who never cared about you at all. How do you come to terms with having an entire decade of your life be a lie?

 

I know I react badly (and not always reasonably) to people here who routinely say "it was just for sex" or "he was never as emotionally invested as you were in him". But it's such a cruel thing to say to someone who feels horrible enough that they have wasted a decade on someone who just ended up pounding them into a depressed, sad, suicidal mess. But to then be told that EVERYTHING you did was wrong, it was never worth anything, and it was all a lie every second... that's indescribable.

 

Realistically I know those generalizations aren't true (not always anyway, and not in my case), but I also know that it doesn't matter in a way because it doesn't change anything in the long run. But it still does matter.

 

Call it generalizations if you will. I will say this, I read this forum along with about four or five others. They all carry the same demographics lots of OW/BW/MW and BH's. What's missing? With all those forums there are just a handful of OM/MM. Those that do post seem to be ok with their situation and talk mostly about maintaining both relationships as is.

 

Sure it doesn't represent the whole, but just like voting samples its a great indicator of the whole.

 

Now this is just my opinion but it seems to me the Real issue with OW/MW isn't if he loves her or not but how did she allow it to get to that point if he didn't. Why would she have put herself through that. It can be a cause of shame, guilt and overall a huge blow to self esteem. To be scamed swindled and mislead.

 

The one thing I understand is human behavior, people tend to believe that people have indefinite actions and reactions. That simply isn't true. Actions and reactions are fixed based on each persons individual traits. Meaning people don't stray far from their core values and beliefs. This is what gives me such a black and white view on the subject of infidelity. I hate to use the word predisposed, it makes us sound like robots, but the fact remains we are predisposed for infidelity, which explains why some will cheat or not cheat no matter the situation they find themselves in. What makes us different then animals is that we can suppress predispostions.