bigman1 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Drifter, Having considered all you've said, I see the issue so clearly now. You've been in hell and have found the most comfy spot for you. To get to where others assert is relief means you have to walk thru the painful parts of hell and there is no guarantee that where we say go is actually the way out for you. You might still be in hell, but not in the good part anymore. That being said, you stay in the best spot that you can. It's as close to heaven as you can get...in hell. It makes sense. Your lamentations come with the territory. Your companion is both angel and demon. To rid yourself of the demon, you lose the angel. The angel just can't grasp the scope of her demonic side. You wrestle with how she is both and she can't conceive that she is both. I just saw a (another) really bad J-Lo film, The Cell, and it made me think of this metaphor. Do what you need to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 I agree, drifter, that you're expecting her to do more than she can or is willing to do and the best you're going to get is her tacit proof of continued faithfulness. In a nutshell, it's what I've got, too. It sucks, yeah, because you know your potential for happiness and deep fulfillment together is shot. They're just not going to be the individuals we hoped or need, and they just don't want to be either. But what we CAN do is free ourselves little by little from the f-king stranglehold that the acts of their embarrassing selfishness and superficiality have on us. As I pull away, stand strong and hold my own more and more, it's like a time-lapse 180. I'm constantly practicing it and it's slowly expanding. He knows he's slipping out of my heart, but I don't care. And THAT makes him care but doesn't change me. I want to get to where I don't need him to know, acknowledge, change or anything else. Guess I'm saying I am slowly seeing the limitations that a narcissist marriage partner who used to be a cheater. He'll never cheat again because he said he wouldn't and because he knows he'd get caught. He doesn't want to understand why he did it. He's resigned. He can't give me deep, penetrating honesty because he can't be vulnerable. blah blah blah But, man, I am SO BORED with even analyzing his problems and limitations. I just so DO NOT care any more. The only change in him comes with this change in me and even that I don't care about. He just can't get that much better fast enough. So I'll see what I want to do each week, month, year. You never know but it certainly doesn't have to be him. I suggest you make that internal shift, too, and let go your hopes for her transformation or embrace of remorse. She's changed all she can. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted March 29, 2015 Share Posted March 29, 2015 And maybe get some behavior-response prevention therapy for the ptsd... Main thing is just don't depend on her for any of your happiness but do expect that you deserve more. my 2 bits Link to post Share on other sites
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