Divorcing A Love Avoidant, Passive Aggressive Husband

[Lizzy36]

where do I start. There's no hope for my M, which some days I'm OK with and others not. I'm really just looking for support to keep up my strength as the legal process gets underway.

 

We got married WAY too fast. He proposed in 5 months, and we were married 10 months later. We're both currently in our late 20s and have been M for 2.5 years, together for about 3.5 years total.

 

He moved out 6 weeks ago, saying he wanted to separate while we went through counseling to "see IF this can work." But 2 weeks in, he wanted to be on the divorce track instead.

 

After we separated, my IC suggested Pia Mellody's Facing Love Addiction, and it literally is the story of my life (and his). It FINALLY gave me insight into what went wrong: I'm a Love Addict/codependent and he's a Love Avoidant but also very Passive Aggressive with narcissistic tendencies.

I know what I did wrong from the get-go, and I really do take responsibility for my actions. However, I spent the entire 3.5 yr relationship accepting ALL the blame -- literally ALL of it, and I'm extremely sick and tired of it.

 

He convinced me I had an "anger problem" and a few months ago urged me to go to IC to get help (which I did). He made me out to me a monster, unbearable to live with, needy and "crazy" -- and he was the constant "victim." After all, how could anyone lash out at the calm, steady, low-key "Mr Perfect" who never expresses anger and is always so logical and responsible about everything???

 

He never ever forgave me for ANYTHING and kept a running list of every f*ing thing I did, which he used as a weapon in future fights and during counseling. I'm amazed at the things he remembered and the "spin" he put on past events to uphold his position as the "victim" and me as the "crazy" one with the "anger problem".

 

He NEVER apologized for ANYTHING, ALWAYS blamed me for all our issues, and REFUSED to listen/accept/understand/have compassion/sympathy/etc for my feelings or take responsibility for anything. He stonewalled -- can't even count the times he folded his arms, yawned, closed his eyes OR refused to stop watching TV, get off his phone/laptop when I tried calmly sharing how he hurt me -- dismissed how I felt and never validated me.

 

The dismissing happened even with reasonable requests. For example, he never EVER gave me compliments, NEVER told me I was beautiful or pretty (and I am!). Countless times I asked: "I really need to hear you think I'm beautiful, will you please say it?" His response: "I don't like saying stuff like that. It's not me." OR "OK fine" just to get me to shut up, but then NEVER EVER do it. I eventually just gave up.

 

He was very controlling. I felt like I was living in a dictatorship, not an equal partnership. Literally looked through my phone SEVERAL times a week. Controlled all the finances. ALL of our mutual friends were HIS friends before we met, but he HATED my closest girlfriends, criticized them constantly and repeatedly asked why I was friends with them (like it was a reflection on me that I associated with them). We had sex everyday (yes, everyday), but on HIS terms--it "turned him off" when I "came on too strong or aggressive."

I literally felt like he married me, not for a relationship, but to "own" me like an object. Like having a W was on his check-list of life accomplishments as a man.

 

He was also very critical of me, even when it didn't involve him directly or my "anger problem." I'm an outspoken and opinionated person who's not afraid to stand up for myself (which I've taken too far many times, and I feel terrible about that and have been trying to change). He criticized me for the way I interacted with other people, when I gossiped with friends about something he didn't think was appropriate, for being "too opinionated about everything" and even for getting "too excited" when watching football games (because I "hadn't been a fan of that team for very long")!!!

 

Don't get me wrong-we had many, many good times together and really did love each other (whatever "love" means). And everything I mentioned above only got worse as time went on, as his "record of my wrongdoings" grew, unforgiveness continued, and anger and resentment toward me deepened.

But...I clung onto the good times and feelings of "love" to fuel the denial I was living in, even weeks after he left.

 

During the 1st 1.5 years of our relationship, his stonewalling/dismissiveness/blaming/never taking responsibility and utter emotional unavailability ENRAGED me. I tried many, many different ways/approaches to stand up for myself and be heard, but his response was ALWAYS "don't put the blame on me! YOU'RE the one with the problem" or "that's not how I meant it, so your feelings are wrong" or "stop trying to control me."

 

But things changed for me when we went to MC two years ago. He did the usual "she's got a problem," and when it was my turn, I took responsibility for my actions and the voiced my feelings of being unheard, dismissed. When we got home, I was reprimanded for "dominating the counseling session" and he said he wouldn't tolerate my attempts to "distract from the REAL issue: me and my anger." After 6 sessions, we stopped going because he felt the C was ineffective (she was kind of a dud, really) and a "man hater."

 

From that point on, I changed. I felt the only way to keep the peace and my M was to work on my "anger problem", and then once I got it resolved, I could come back later and address how he makes me feel. After all, if I stopped getting angry -- his No. 1 complaint -- then he'd eventually be open to hearing my side and all would be dandy, right?

 

WRONG!

 

I really wanted to stop getting angry, and while I definitely could've done more, I truly did the best I knew how at the time. And I frankly WAS changing, and did have successful moments when I resisted my angry urge. Looking back, I am definitely NOT the same person I was when we first married. And I'm proud of myself for that.

 

But...he NEVER recognized that. He expected an overnight fix. He literally said "If you love me, you'd just stop and never do it again." But I'm an f*ing human being, and I can't change overnight. And I didn't. I paid greatly for it.

 

During the final 2 years of our relationship, I tried so, so, so hard to be a good wife and "earn back his love." Looking back, that only made it worse. He distanced more and more, his passive-aggressive behaviors became more frequent, and his intolerance for conflict grew.

 

My self-esteem (which has never been great) completely dropped. I felt unworthy of his love, worthless as a human being, undeserving of intimacy with him. I lived in fear of what he'd do if I got angry again. I was always racking my brain trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

 

I learned to stuff my feelings. I eventually got to a point where I never ever shared my feelings out of fear, and instead took ALL the blame and ALWAYS apologized. And I frankly convinced myself that was the right thing to do. After all, I'm a monster, right?

 

I felt totally alone in the M. Like he was just "there" and it was MY job to fix our marital problems. I realize now that the reason I wanted sex so much was because it was literally the ONLY intimacy I could get from him.

 

I completely lost my identity. I believed his opinions of me were right, and I was wrong. I stopped standing up for myself completely and all my energy went into trying to please him, which was never appreciated or reciprocated.

 

Sad thing is, I was in complete denial this was going on. Never once stopped to think that the panic attacks I started having at work a few months ago, increased alcohol intake at home, or CONSTANT state of stress and anxiety were maybe tied to my M. I thought I was happy, I thought we had a good M and I was trying to change. So when he left, I was inconsolable. Devastated. Blindsided. My worst nightmare and fear coming true: he abandoned me.

 

I only began to realize all of this a few weeks ago. I can't believe I let myself be treated like that, which is the direct result of not loving and respecting myself enough. That's MY fault.

 

Still, I find myself slipping back into that old mindset of thinking I'm entirely to blame for ruining a picture-perfect M. I'm getting better about pulling myself back to reality, but it's hard.

 

So I guess I'm here for encouragement and to see if there's anyone else who's gone through the same thing.

 

For those who actually read through this entire novel, THANK YOU!!

[whichwayisup]

Seems you two brought out the worst in each other and things were toxic.

 

You both made mistakes but now you're on the divorce path, congrats - Heal well, and just know that your life will get better.

 

You are NOT to blame for a lot of what went on in your marriage. You're a great person with a big heart, just the wrong man couldn't see it and he brought out the worst in you.

 

Rely on good friends and family, and counseling to help build your self esteem back up again.

 

All the best.

[Mr. Lucky]

The possibility exists that, in everything from communication to goals, the two of you are a complete mismatch. You'll notice the old saying "opposites attract" stops there, doesn't say if they stay together. In my experience, they usually don't.

 

No kids involved, both young, time to move on. I'd guess you'll take things slower next time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[fireflywy]

Hi Lizzy,

 

I myself have, I believe, also just exited from a relationship with a love avoidant. Our relationship, like yours, was also filled with her hesitancy, after a year and half to show affection and marked by her behaviors of devaluing me.

 

I was an idiot and thought things would get better over time but here is what I saw in my relationship.

 

-She possessed a sense of superiority over others (beauty, smarts, position)

-Judgmental of others including friends.

-Would stress her friendships as center in some areas, but then stress they weren't really people should would maintain long term contact with.

- spoke of her mother as being distant and/or critical if she expressed emotions or hurt as a child.

-Admitted she had difficulty expressing her emotions. (I DID try to undertand this.)

-my openly spoken desires for greater intimacy and my needs for reassurance were never addressed and if said, came as responses to my overtures rather then movement on her part.

-Attempts to create greater intimacy, lead to her distancing herself over time and eventually accusations of being "needy" or controlling when I wanted to avoid certain social situations that were needed sporadically for partner peace of mind.

-Rages when she was challenged.

-Open disrespect or criticism in front of other people.

-Always threatened to leave when there was a slight disagreement over an issue politely discussed.

-Being blammed for things in her life (she had trouble getting on a plane at Christmas, got drunk, they wouldn't let her board, she called me from 2000 miles away and blamed ME for weather conditions because I liked snow) (also angry that I could sleep)

-Admitted she often "lied" to me about what she felt while seeking approval from her "friends" more then me.

-Fiercely independent and afraid of loss of control.

-At the end, started comparing me to her ex in smal ways

-devalued me and started presenting her ideas of an idealized, non existent mate

-Alreadybin a rebound relationship (guessing its part of her narcisstic supply)

 

And ALL of this while I supported her, avoided conflict, presented calmness during her outbursts, and NEVER broke her down (I ALWAYS said I wasn't here to break her down.)

 

Anyway, one thin that really helped me was a book called "Attached" about the different attachment types. The book said that anxious attachers are drawn to avoidants because there is a belief that we will abandoned by someone and dating an avoidant supports that view. Conversely, the avoidant is attracted to the anxious person because they have fear of being controlled or are obsessed with being stoutly independent that when an anxious person attaches to them, THEIR world view that someone is out to control them gets activated, and they devalue their partner.

 

The book stresses that generally, anxious attachers should avoid avoidants because avlidants, while deep down desiring love, are possibly devoid of empathy or emotion to the the same degree as others, and that their avoidance, unless seriously worked on, can even make a more secure attachment styled person anxious by activiating the non avoidants attachment mechanisms to make things worse. With that said, the anxious person should be aware of when their attachment strategies are activated too.

 

In the end, what I'm trying to say is, its not your fault If you were really trying to moderate your responses to his complacent attitudes or devaluations. Most everyone want, to be in a strong, loving, affectionate relationship where you are appreciated in mutual reciprocation. The authors shy away from such words and labels as "codependent" because relationships mean we ARE responsible for the we'll being of our partner.

 

I would really check it out. Its a quick read. Their is a chapter on the Anxious Avoidant trap and steps that the secure or anxious can take to slowly move beyond the avoidant and be aware of avoidants in the future and THEIR own attachment mechanisms.

 

Also, read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" about how to be more assertive in various areas.

Edited March 20, 2015 by fireflywy

[fireflywy]

Sorry for the typos, I'm on a nook.

[Arieswoman]

Lizzy36,

Oh my goodness, you married a clone of my exH !! I can really feel for you.

 

Our marriage, such as it was, lasted for 7 years, mainly due to the fact that he was a shift-worker for 5 years and not there most of the time (!) After he got a day job it fell apart rapidly.

 

It's true what they say about "opposites attracting". In our case it was Pollyanna and Heathcliffe.

 

I just couldn't make him happy, no matter how hard I tried. He was always sulking, putting me down, lazy about the house. If I was frustrated and angry with his behaviour he labelled me "nasty-tempered", instead of pulling his weight. If I got upset over nasty things he said, I was told "I don't upset you, you only upset yourself".

 

Eventually he cheated and I threw him out and divorced him.

 

It took me a long time to get my self-esteem up to an acceptable level.

 

This guy leaving has done you a big favour - he hasn't abandoned you, he's set you free. You probably can't see it now, but you will in time.

 

Interestingly I never had a problem with anger in any subsequent relationship, hmmmmmm

 

Good luck x

 

PS he married his AP who has been in a mental health unit twice, so I guess he managed to "drive her around the bend", so to speak. She's welcome to him.

[Dlucio1]

Im in the same situation with my spouse. Im the bad one and he says he is finally planning on leaving. Im sad, bn 20yrs with him, but he has been more mean lately and blaming me for everything and so much hate. Has refused to sleep with me for about 8 month, but we have not been talking since St. Patrick's Day. I went out with a coworker and said I would be back, came home about 10 and he said that was the last straw. accusing me of Fu*%kin everyone and thats why he doesn't want sex anymore. I ain't no Cheater, but it seems that he is doing this to give him a reason to leave. Anyway. I guess its best for us that they leave. Since his affair he has nvr shown me any regret, remorse, love, etc. I'd rather be alone. Too much pain. Someone that loves us shouldn't make us hurt.

[Satu]

If you haven't already done so, have a look at Natalie Lue's work.

[Arieswoman]

That's good info Satu - post #8.

 

I wish we had resources like this years ago when I was married to my first husband.

 

I can remember how he used to do/say things to get me mad and then when I lost my temper and yelled at him he'd walk away smirking. He was unable to own his own anger and acted in such a way so I would "discharge" it for him.

 

After years of being an "emotional lightening conductor" for him I'd had enough and told him I wasn't going to tolerate his bad behaviour any more.

 

Did he modify his behaviour and start putting some effort into the marriage? Did he thump! His response was to start cheating with a girl at work, someone who was 10 years younger, not very bright, who he could manipulate.

 

At the time I thought I'd lost out to a "younger model", but now I am able to see she did me a big favour.