We have hit the rocks

[livefortoday]

Hi. My wife 27 and I 30 have been together 10 years and married for 6 of them. Just lately she has been distant from me. She says I have pushed her away and killed any feelings for her by being glued to my phone all the time. She said she felt like she had no one to talk to.

 

We haven't had the usual relationship. She picked up agoraphobia as a result of postnatal depression from our younger of the 2 daughters we have that started around 6 years ago. She would shut herself in the house all day with the curtains shut. I had to juggle working, shopping, and household chores and taking my older daughter to nursery at the time. It was a horrible experience for the both of us.

 

Over the years I found different ways to keep myself occupied whether it be bmws, fish keeping etc. However I lost the ability of balance between that and my wife. She always told me how lonely she felt and how annoyed she was at how much time I was on my phone reading about my hobbies/interests. I always assumed it was her agoraphobia/depression talking and not the "real" her.

 

Fast forward to today it's got bad again. Again it's my fault for not being there for her, being on my phone watching videos etc on it while she watched her soaps etc some of which I used to watch with her but lost interest in. Sometimes we would argue over things that were in the past and I'd get so angry I'd shut off and just blank her leaving her to cry herself to sleep. Id get o angry at how stupid the arguments were that I had to shut off otherwise I'd say something good wrong that I wouldn't really mean.

 

Anyway around 1.5-2 months ago she hot distant from me wouldn't kiss or cuddle me. One day I was working and something didn't feel right to me. She asked where I was and put a random kiss on the end of a text which she hadn't done in weeks. O I went home to see a bloke sat on my sofa drinking tea. He was one of the council's subbys who helped install out bathroom. I asked why he was here and she said he came bk for some plaster that they had left in the front garden 3 weeks ago with the rubbish. I said so why offer him tea? Why not just give him the stuff and let him leave?

 

It turns out it was an excuse if I ever found out about him being there. It turns out she went on Facebook behind my back added him and started speaking to him. She liked how friendly he seemed when he spoke about the dog or bird we had and she wanted to talk to someone who was friendly and made her happy. I said 2 wrongs dont make a right and that she should have had the decency to leave me first if thats how she felt. She promises me nothing happened and they just spoke. He clearly wanted only one thing as one of the first things he said was "do you just want friends with benefits".

 

I stayed at a friends house for 4 nights because she needed to know if she would miss me etc. so I realised how serious the situation is, so I made changes big time.I came back and would make more effort to do housework, haven't had any interest in my phone, taken her out places, just started paying for driving lessons in the hope it will make her happier.

 

Now where I'm getting confused is she says she is happy with me and how I am making more effort etc but tells me she doesn't know how she feels emotionally towards me or whether she has any feelings for me. She said she is trying to be close to me but won't come near me. She won't hug me kiss me or hold my hand. I keep telling her that I need to see and feel that she is trying to be closer because atm she is saying she is but she isn't doing it.

 

I keep telling her that I'm trying so hard to be close to her given what I come home to find it should be the other way round. It should be me not wanting to go near her. imo anyway. In the last 2 months we have only had sex once And that was because we woke up kind of touching etc and that was after I found out about him. I keep telling her I think sex might help us become close again. She won't have any of it. I told her that not being close in anyway is going to create more of a gap and will become harder to close that gap if she does decide to fight for us. I just feel like I'm putting 90% in and she is putting the last 10%. I just don't know what to do.

Edited March 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[livefortoday]

I didn't want to but feel I need to add that about 8 years ago when I was younger and immature I was being a typical lad and not being very considerate and she felt like she want sure if we were in a relationship or not and slept with her brother in laws friend. she wrote me a letter telling me and it killed me.

 

I've been far from perfect. Miles from it. But over the years I've found ways of dealing with not having an average life of someone my age and it eventually took over who j really am. The last few weeks being on the brink of losing my wife and my best friend has really made me realise how stupid I've been and how I've taken her for granted.I've found the real me again and I really don't want to lose her. I've really messed up but on the other hand so has she.

 

she says she doesn't know what she wants or feels. I say how can u not know who you feel? It's ur feelings. I can understand she is confused however you must know if you WANT to make it work or not. Bottom line is I've grovelled to her the last couple of weeks. Trying to prove to her that we can be happy that we just need to make a few adjustments.

Edited March 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ninjainpajamas]

She doesn't really love you, she's just making excuses of why she's unhappy so that she can justify why she does not.

 

Once you started doling more to address the issues she was unable to blame the problems on you, but it was never really about you...I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like you married the attention whore with major emotional/psychological issues...and these women don't take responsibility and figure their own problems out, they just try to change their external environment including the men, but they are still unhappy in the end, which is why she may choose to be with a guy in the end....because you love her, not because she loves you. That's how these women work, so you'll never fix the "problem" because being with you is not the solution.

 

Unfortunately I would suggest leaving this woman and stabilizing your own life for you and the girls, otherwise your girls are going to be a lot like their mother when they grow up and/or resent her for it.

 

This women will at the least emotionally cheat on you and very likely physically too one day. So unless you accept that I wouldn't stick around, no point in being upset about it or taking it personal, she's doing it for her in what she lacks emotionally in her life, and that's not all your fault. This is how the real world works, you can't resolve everything through communication, sometimes you come across things you cannot change because they don't involve you as much as you blame yourself or try to take responsibility for changing them anyway.

 

This is the writing on the wall, but do what you want or need to until you get it through your head...if you can or will. You're going to be throwing years of happiness away for this, in fact you already have, and you still won't change it in the end. Just depends on you how many more years you're willing to sacrifice...and the extremist choose their whole lives...eventually you get old and don't care anymore and too settled into your life to make a change once you've been married for 20 years plus...that might be your light at the end of your tunnel.

 

Then you can just say you made it through your "ups and downs" together, as this is what people like to say even though they were never really happy, their relationship eventually just flat lined Instead of dipped....success!

 

I think it's obvious she doesn't love you, and was likely never in love with you. Doesn't meant she won't do what she can to keep you, because you obviously love her.

Edited March 20, 2015 by Ninjainpajamas