Worth it to initiate contact after 45 days of NC to open lines of communication?

[Webby_addy]

I need advice. I'm 27m. My ex girlfriend (24f) broke up with me just over a month and a half ago. We went out for a year. Not exactly sure what the causes for the breakup were, but ultimately I think she wasn't ready for the responsibilities of a relationship when things got tough. Maybe I didn't present enough of a challenge to her as I tended to her needs more than she did to my needs. The breakup talk came up at a hard time in her life. She realized she wasn't stepping up to the plate when we started to fight more and so she asked me what I wanted. I told her I needed more from her. I feel stupid for saying it in that rough time but felt authentic to my own feelings and wants. The whole last month she could tell I was being disappointed with what she brought into the relationship.

 

I knew there were challenges in dating her because initially when we started she was very slow at being physical or even saying words of affection. She may be one of those emotionally unavailable types. There were times in the relationship when I would wonder (in my head) how much she was into me but would be pleasantly surprised/relieved when she would tell me she was scared of losing me. She's not great at showing her emotions.

 

It's been over 45 days since she broke up with me and i was on strict NC from that night. Deleted off social media and Facebook but she still follows me on some social media.

 

When she broke it off she said it's hard because her interest in me is still there, but ultimately she feels timing was off. She wasn't ready for a serious relationship especially with all the crap going on in her life.

 

Mutual friends tell me she is having a hard time. She isn't seeing anyone else or is interested in anyone else but there's a close guy friend of hers that likes/liked her. They are spending more time with each other now that she's single. I asked a mutual friend about it and she assures me there is nothing going on between them and that my ex was never and will never be into him. While we were together my ex would randomly bring him up and say how she is totally not into him and doesnt see him in a romantic way. She said he's very much a platonic friend. I believe her as he was more of a beta orbiter.

 

Maybe I'm trying to read into it so I can have closure and tell myself she left me for this other guy. But mutual friends that are very close to her tell me that it is not the case. They truly believe it's a timing thing. She and I were not in the same maturity place emotionally.

 

I'm also thinking maybe this guy is rebound and she's liking the attention from a guy now that she's lonely or the guy is just all up on her now that she's single.

 

I don't know why but I have some hope that she'll regret breaking up with me and that maybe in the future we can be together again. She's done this once before for a week.

 

Im wondering if any of you think it's smart to break NC now that it's been past 45 days. She hasn't contacted me yet at all. I'd send a simple text or email to her telling her that something reminded me of her and I wanted to thank her for the shared moments and hoping she's well.

 

She probably thinks I hate her right now since I dropped off the planet so is probably thinking she needs to move on. I do want to keep lines of communication open in case she does want to come back. Mutual friends tell me that she would be devastated if I moved on to another girl.

 

Reading this over makes me feel that majority of the answers will be, "continue NC and move on". But wondering if anyone else feels this would be a mature and smart way to go if I hope for reconciliation down the line. Also I'm hoping through this contact, she'll stops looking to this other dude out of her loneliness and thinking it's all over from my end.

 

I've been on dates, and girls have been chasing after me but it doesn't cut it for me. Maybe because I'm still emotionally invested in this girl. However, if she did leave me for this other guy, I'm out.

 

Questions:

 

-send a short email/text to reinitiated contact?

-do you think it's ever worth it to hope for reconciliation with a girl that broke it off due to "timing" or is that bs?

 

Any insights of thought process from a girl that may have been emotionally hurt from past relationships so much that it effected the healthiness of a new relationship would be appreciated.

Edited March 20, 2015 by Webby_addy

[d0nnivain]

Since she broke up with you, you reaching out to her will only annoy her. Whatever caused her to leave hasn't magically disappeared or gotten better, It's still there.

 

 

Even dumpers get the blues because being single after being part of a couple is a change & you no longer have a built in play mate. Her being sad is not an indication that she wants you back. The only indication of her wanting to reconcile would be her reaching out to you.

 

 

Don't set yourself back by contacting her or you will be back at square one of your pain.

[badpenny]

Continue contact and move on.

 

Oh, you were right, then....

[Webby_addy]

Yea, I knew that is the correct logical answer.

 

I guess I'm struggling with the fact that I had told her that I'm not down for on and off relationships. I told her if she did it again I'd be out. Yet she ended it twice (months later after the first short breakup). First breakup was sporadic as she was on her monthly pms, and came back begging quite quickly. I'm afraid she must feel very guilty and feels I'm hurting a whole lot.

 

While I was hurt and am hurting here and there now, I am strangely not mad at her. I don't feel animosity (when maybe I should).

 

I guess I just wanted to figure out a way to help her know I am not hating her guts. Maybe if I run into her, the way I act will help plant that idea into her head. I'd give her a warm hug but walk away and not give too much attention after that. Or is that totally unattractive for me to accept her/show affection to her after how much she hurt me by leaving?

 

I truly think the reasoning for the breakup is maturity/timing. I wanted more than she can give in this time.

 

But maybe ultimately her interest level is not there. This is of course unspoken as she stated that her interest is there and she wishes she could be there for me in this hard time in her life.

[Simon Phoenix]

Terrible idea. If she really cared if you "hated her guts", she'd ask. And "planting" anything in her head reeks of manipulation. And yes, it would be completely unattractive to show affection to someone who has dumped you and ignored you for a month and a half. She won't think "aww, he's such an awesome guy". She'll wonder if you have a backbone. She's broken up with you twice, it's reasonable for you not to talk to her. And if she's broken up with you twice, the interest ultimately is not there. Even if she did come back, the odds of their being a third breakup shortly after are high.

 

Sorry man, it sounds like you are willfully deluding yourself. And if you know she's following you on social media, you aren't doing No Contact correctly.

[Webby_addy]

This is good. Exactly what I needed to read and what I know deep inside.

 

I'm in that breakup blindness for sure. If I step outside of myself and analyzed my situation as if my friend was going through it, I'd give the same advice.

 

Just hard as I was never the dumpee in the past. More support and confirmation would be great!

[Satu]

I get the feeling that you might have been in a parent mode/child mode relationship, with you as the parent, and her as the child.

 

Transactional Analysis.

[Webby_addy]

I get the feeling that you might have been in a parent mode/child mode relationship, with you as the parent, and her as the child.

 

Transactional Analysis.

 

 

Hmmm. That is very interesting but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

 

My friends that knew her well before we started dating did always claim, "she's a child." "not mature enough". "she'll never give. You'll always give more".

 

Maybe to an extent in my subconscious I did come from a parental way of interacting?? Not sure if I did, but it seemed like I was more inclined to reason, cause and effect, thinking. Rather than meeting her with (her heightened) emotional response. She could be classified as infj in Meyer Briggs' thing.

 

How do I break out of my way of thinking/interacting with her/future significant other? Am I doomed if I don't get out of that thinking? Or is this a compatibility/maturity issue?

 

Am I even getting this whole parent mode/child mode idea?

Edited March 20, 2015 by Webby_addy

[Jonp219]

Hmmm. That is very interesting but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

 

My friends that knew her well before we started dating did always claim, "she's a child." "not mature enough". "she'll never give. You'll always give more".

 

Maybe to an extent in my subconscious I did come from a parental way of interacting?? Not sure if I did, but it seemed like I was more inclined to reason, cause and effect, thinking. Rather than meeting her with (her heightened) emotional response. She could be classified as infj in Meyer Briggs' thing.

 

How do I break out of my way of thinking/interacting with her/future significant other? Am I doomed if I don't get out of that thinking? Or is this a compatibility/maturity issue?

 

Am I even getting this whole parent mode/child mode idea?

 

No matter what anyone says here at the end of the day it's your decision.

 

I know some dumpees who reached to dumpers, built a line of communication, and eventually got back together. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

 

However, it's up to you. Remember that. You know the consequences of what you're dealing with.

[Webby_addy]

No matter what anyone says here at the end of the day it's your decision.

 

I know some dumpees who reached to dumpers, built a line of communication, and eventually got back together. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't.

 

However, it's up to you. Remember that. You know the consequences of what you're dealing with.

 

Thanks for the perspective of the other side.

 

But, it's true that there are things she has things to work on and myself as well. She's stated a month before our breakup that she wants to learn intimacy. She's been bruised up from past relationships and I feel that won't change over a month and a half.

 

I just always hoped we'd be able to get through it together.

 

Id be so angry if she moved onto a new relationship with another before dealing with those things. Especially if it was with that beta orbiter (rebound?). It'll make it concrete that her interest level in me was not high enough for her to want to overcome those past ghosts with me.

 

Or maybe I just need to accept it as concrete enough because of the fact she left me.

Edited March 20, 2015 by Webby_addy

[Jonp219]

Thanks for the perspective of the other side.

 

But, it's true that there are things she has things to work on and myself as well. She's stated a month before our breakup that she wants to learn intimacy. She's been bruised up from past relationships and I feel that won't change over a month and a half.

 

I just always hoped we'd be able to get through it together.

 

Id be so angry if she moved onto a new relationship with another before dealing with those things. Especially if it was with that beta orbiter (rebound?). It'll make it concrete that her interest level in me was not high enough for her to want to overcome those past ghosts with me.

 

Or maybe I just need to accept it as concrete enough because of the fact she left me.

 

Yes, I understand

 

My ex left me because of my anger and insecurity issues and now i'm in therapy so I can get a grasp of my emotions. She needs to grow up, and so do I. I don't know what's going to happen with us, we've been NC for a month now. She continues to write stuff about our past relationship on her Twitter and it annoys the hell out of me. That's why Monday I finally decided to stop looking at her social media pages. Right now i'm just focusing on myself, making myself into a better man.

 

I blame myself for the break-up, but I also need to start opening my eyes and see that she wasn't perfect herself. Nor did she handle this break-up with grace.

 

Apart of me wants us to get back together in the future, another part of me doesn't even want to know about her. It's a bittersweet feeling.

 

I also wanted to work things out together, I even suggested counseling and she refused. She just got fed up with my nonsense.

[Smokeshow]

Yes it is as long as you are able to deal with the results whether good or bad