Marriage has become a friendship. Help!

[captinad2015]

Hi All - New to the forum and need advice.

 

My Wife and I have been married since 2010 and have been together since 2007. We have a Son together and she has two children from a previous Marriage.

 

When we first got together, we were always laughing and we had a great relationship (emotional and physical). Before and after we got married, we did have a handful of proper full on arguments, but we worked at it and got through them. We are both very head strong so when we argue we really do argue.

 

About 2 years ago, we nearly split up a couple of times. My Wife was going through a few medical issues which did affect our marriage, but again, we worked at it and we got through it. Recently, I started my own business and has been going well. However, I am a bit like a dog with a bone and I know I can be a bit overwhelming in general and not the easiest to live with. I have been trying to be mindful of my actions at work and home and thought I was improving. However, it all came to a head about a week ago.

 

We had a bit of a falling out and to cut a long story short, it resulted in us both agreeing to be just friends for a while. We both still live together and even share the same bed (nothing physical goes on) but we are working at being just friends. In all honesty since then, we have been getting on a lot better, but I cant help but think how this is all going to work out moving forward.

 

I trust my Wife whole heartedly and I know that there is nothing going on with her and anyone else. I am not involved with anyone else either. We obviously have our issues being a married couple but always seem to be better as friends. But how long can this situation last?

 

I just need a little bit of advice/guidance. Should I just see how this all pans out? Does this seem weird to anyone??

 

Thanks in advance.

[jackslife]

All marriages are different and whatever works for both parties (as long are both are happy with it) is fine.

 

However, what about sex? Are you never having sex again? Is your wife never having sex again? Are you just friends and dating other people? Exactly what are the rules here?

 

If you are both happy you need to discuss very clear boundaries and decide what it is you both want. But if one or both of you want more and are now 'just friends' maybe you need to discuss an amicable separation. You can both be there for your children, and there's no reason why you can't stay friends for them.

 

Your situation isn't a problem if it isn't a problem for both of you. But are you going to stay like this 'till death do us part'?

[carhill]

If your arrangement gives both of you what you want from marriage, then that's your path. Considering the parameters of the path, you may want to re-write the marriage contract to match up, since the original one appears to have been different.

 

Myself, I've got plenty of friends and don't need nor desire to live with one. A wife, sure. Hence, I'd never be satisfied with the path you've apparently laid out. If you are, then that's valid and works for you. Clarify it, accept it and move on.

 

Welcome to LS!

[Auspecial]

I don't think it is the end of your relationship. The basis of any strong relationship is friendship anyway, so the fact you are both committed to that says a lot.

 

I think in time the other aspect will pick back up again, assuming neither of you seeks it outside the marriage. Its just a matter of time.

[captinad2015]

Hi Jackslife

 

That's for the response.

 

In terms of the sex, we are not having sex and as far as I am concerned, wont be moving forward while trying to remain as friends. I personally think that if sex was back on the cards that it would really muddy the waters so to speak (Hope that makes sense.) We are not dating other people - though that discussion hasn't even been started. I am 100% sure that she is not seeing anybody or thinking about dating. The rules are simply to work at being friends rather than husband and wife.

 

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your 'till death do us part' comment. This is what I am confused about and I suppose only time will tell on that. The fact is that I do love her so much but I am willing to do whatever to keep her in my life and both have a happy life together. But I cant help think that eventually either one or both of us will want more outside of our friendship and this is what I am finding a little difficult to fathom.

 

As long as she is happy then I am happy, I just wish we could go back to the early days as we were.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[carhill]

What's your general age range?

 

I ask because there can be, and are for many people, age-related periods of life which can trigger quantum changes in behavior and/or perspective. A classic one mentioned is 'mid-life crisis' but there are others, and it's not necessarily relegated to we old farts.

 

Such changes could result from life-altering events, hormonal changes, physical issues, illness, etc.

 

As a formerly married man, I'd be very leery of investing my emotional and financial future with a woman who wanted to 'be friends', at least at the legal partnership level. If I ran into such a circumstance at my age, if a pre-nup hadn't been in place, an ante-nup would be put in place to handle any 'changes', then I'd accept that things could change tomorrow and that's OK, from the emotional standpoint.

 

Since you're both strong-willed and butt heads, have you considered marriage counseling to help meditate and clarify this change and the new parameters? I mention this because you're talking about 'not seeing other people', so evidently that's important to you. I would imagine there are other boundaries which are important as well. Sometimes a neutral third party can assist strong-willed people in reaching clear and mutually understandable compromises that stick, and there's no ambiguity moving forward. Suggest it to your wife. Listen to her response.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have become great friends with my ex husband and have spoken about our marriage and divorce and subsequent friendship in other posts.

 

Sometimes couples just work better as friends than husband and wife. I'm not sure why that is but it happens and I know for a fact that although my situation may not be the norm it certainly isn't impossible or any kind of anomaly.

 

My theory? Marriage comes with a truckload of expectations, some of them realistic but even more of them that are unrealistic. When our partners veer off the course we've set for our lives together or when we don't get our needs met by our partner it unnerves us causing many men and women to act like whiny spoiled children.

 

Too much of the pouting and nagging, shouting and silence can take it's toll on a any relationship but especially on a marriage.

 

When you're in a friendship with someone it seems like you'll tolerate a more because no matter what the issue you're having to deal with, in the end you each can go back to your own corners. The expectations are lifted and what you end up with is an unadulterated relationship with someone you clearly care about.

 

I LOVE being friends with my ex. I trust him implicitly! I still turn to him to help me with finances and investments. He continues to do my taxes. I have him as my next-of-kin on all my personal papers, etc. There are very few people I trust more than him. And he feels the same about me. Having more than 25 years under our belt helps.

 

We truly make the best friends but make the worst married couple. And if we ever doubt this, we just have to spend an afternoon together to realize that we made the right decision divorcing

 

Having said all of that, it does take both people to make a friendship after marriage work. It can't blossom when one person is stuck in resentment, anger or even hope.

 

As for your situation, are you planning to move out any time soon?

 

I'm not sure living together as friends will be very realistic nor is it healthy. At least not long term. You will have to make a decision about working it out as a couple or not. It seems all fine now because neither of you are out their dating. The moment that happens will be a challenging time for both of you. You WILL want and need to be on your own by this point.

 

Regardless, I think it's great that you're on the same page about being friends and actively working at it. KUDOS!!!! That's more than most unhappy couples do so you should be very proud of yourselves.

 

Just be careful how long you hang out in this vacuum you've created for yourselves by declaring friendship yet still live together and sleep in the same bed. It might be the very thing to ruin what you're hoping to achieve.

 

Good luck!