blind_otter Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 My friend, who I refer to as "Murdock" (from the A Team), is being a real ass. I was talking to him on Thursday last week, and he was venting about work. I was joking around, trying to make him laugh, and I said, "Well, if you didn't have so-and-so to deal with, then you would have the perfect job, so deal with it!" Because he really WOULD have the perfect job, aside from a guy in his office who occassionally talks too much, who "works too slow" according to Murdock. That said, it is well known that Murdock can be a bit of a spaz. Especially because we were FWB for a while last year and he ended the benefits part, quite suddenly. I was like, okey dokey, no problemo. So I joke that if not for the a**h*** he is talking about he would have the perfect job, and he EXPLODES on me. He starts going off about how that was a bitchy thing to say, even if I wasn't being serious but he thinks I was and that I say I'm joking to cover my ass. Then I am like, wow, I can't believe you think I am such a bitch. He says, yeah actually, I do. And I have proof. And then he goes into all these PAST scenarios where he thought I was a bitch but never said anything because he was being the bigger person! I said, if you really are my friend and you thought I was being a bitch, why didn't you tell me then so I could work on bettering myself? He said, because he didn't think it was a big deal. Until now, all of a sudden, after acting like an a**h*** to me for weeks, he just explodes out of nowhere on me. He capitalized on knowing me for the past 6 years, talked about everything I was insecure about, and basically had me in tears. I was literally weeping on the phone, and I said I had to go because I was too upset to talk coherently. I hung up and while I was sitting next to the phone, crying with my head buried in my knees, my other really close guy friend "Sgt. Bosco" called. I picked up the phone, still wailing away, and he listened to my halting, gasping explanation for why I was crying. As usual he just listened to me more than anything. While I was on the phone Murdock called like 3 times in a row and I finally answered, thinking he was going to apologize. But NOPE. He just called to bitch me out EVEN MORE! This time, about my long abusive relationship with my exBF, he went into detail about how stupid I was to stay with someone who smacked me around. About how weak I am, how I am pretty on the outside but I have an ugly personality.... He made me feel SO bad about myself. He emailed me saying he didn't want to lose me as a friend, yet when we talked on Friday (the next day), he kept FIGHTING with me. He just would NOT apologize. I don't understand what he wants. He is acting like a complete a**h***, he says he wants to be my friend but obviously does nothing to smooth over the situation. I think, honestly, it's not worth it to be friends with someone if I know they are keeping an unspoken tally against me. I am so upset about this because, he made me feel so so bad about myself. There was only one other person who ever talked to me like that. My exBF who was physically and emotionally abusive used to say really hurtful things like that, to me, to make me feel ugly or unloveable, so that I wouldn't leave him.....
laRubiaBonita Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 why do you let these boys reduice you tears all the time? Gawd...they sound more like boyfriends than friends. i think you need to just not speak to any of the a**h*** Team for a few weeks! remember You CAN choose who are your friends.
Author blind_otter Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita why do you let these boys reduice you tears all the time? Gawd...they sound more like boyfriends than friends. i think you need to just not speak to any of the a**h*** Team for a few weeks! remember You CAN choose who are your friends. That's a good question. Why DO I let it bother me so much?? I guess because if I really value someone's friendship, they become like family to me. Then I feel all rejected and he really went for the jugular and I really felt like it was a relationship-style argument, not just friends bitching at each other. It was weird and I didn't like it.
alphamale Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 men and women should not be friends, especially if they are ex-lovers. shyt like this ALWAYs happens
Pocky Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 If your friend thinks you have an ugly person on the inside then why are you friends at all? How can one be a friend to someone they don't respect, love, understand or believe in?
Author blind_otter Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky If your friend thinks you have an ugly person on the inside then why are you friends at all? How can one be a friend to someone they don't respect, love, understand or believe in? That's what I am confused about. He was attackin gme so viciously, and I kept saying, well why do you even want to be my friend if you think all this horrid stuff about me? He just kept saying he valued our friendship. This is the email he wrote me last week: <otter>, I would like to start off by apologizing. I'm sorry I brought up anything to do with Cole. I should have known better than to even reference that situation because I know it's painful to you. For that, I am deeply sorry. I did not call you back to continue arguing. In fact, I called a second time to try to explain myself but that seemed impossible. I will try to call you some time friday evening so we can discuss this without hostility. Hopefully, you will take my call. Above all, I do not want to lose you as a friend. <Murdock> Why is he saying this and then acting so hostile?
babybear Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 Maybe he feels like you are always condenscending? Or you put him down? I don't know..I haven't followed the situation, so I don't know if you've posted about it before. But it seems like one of those, "I am going to put you in your place, you aren't perfect either - and don't forget it", sorta things... But even when he calls you back, tell him that he can tell you about your personality flaws in a constructive manner...but this is crap and he needs to grow up. Bringing up shi* like that is hurtful. There are things in my life...everyone's life, that just DO NOT GET BROUGHT UP. babybear
Pocky Posted April 11, 2005 Posted April 11, 2005 If I were you and he was my friend I'd say, "Okay out with the ****. You're acting irrational and I can't follow what the problem is. Something is going on and you're covering it up with this trivial ****. What is on your mind. Spit it out or we're not going to come to a resolution any time soon because as it stands now, I don't know what the hell your problem is and why you're being so hostile towards me."
Author blind_otter Posted April 12, 2005 Author Posted April 12, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky If I were you and he was my friend I'd say, "Okay out with the ****. You're acting irrational and I can't follow what the problem is. Something is going on and you're covering it up with this trivial ****. What is on your mind. Spit it out or we're not going to come to a resolution any time soon because as it stands now, I don't know what the hell your problem is and why you're being so hostile towards me." You know what? I am scared of what his answer might be. Because I don't want him to say, "Honestly? I have feelings for you." I know he never would, but I have a sneaking suspicion that that is the problem, right there. I am freakishly unhealthy when it comes to my friendships, I think. Why else would I have a bevvy of male friends and a handful of female friends, never the twain shall meet? I can count on one hand the number of people I count as really good friends, but I tend to associate with guys naturally.....I feel like my friend Murdock is going through a tough time, and I don't want to abandon him, but at the same time, I don't want to be a punching bag, either. But if I say that, he will be defensive. He is really just mean. And when I say that to him, he says stuff like -- No, I'm not mean, you are just oversensitive. How do I argue with that? I don't I just shut down and say, well I don't want to be in this conversation anymore because I know that I can't win.
EC Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 You know what? I am scared of what his answer might be. Because I don't want him to say, "Honestly? I have feelings for you." I know he never would, but I have a sneaking suspicion that that is the problem, right there. I am freakishly unhealthy when it comes to my friendships, I think. Why else would I have a bevvy of male friends and a handful of female friends, never the twain shall meet? Like I said before BO i think he really does have strong feelings for you. I think you guys messed around and he developed feelings for you but knew you weren't going to have it so he stopped it completely for fear of getting hurt. Then since he can't have you and is all pissy about you he tries to find things wrong with you ( your bitchiness, your ex relationships) to bring you down and to convince him he doesn't need you or to convince himself to rid his feelings of you because your no good. I honestly feel sorry for him. I really do think he is acting the way he is because of his feelings for you.
Author blind_otter Posted April 12, 2005 Author Posted April 12, 2005 Stupid f*cker. Guys are so stupid sometimes. I mean, in my case, I have/had a crush on Sgt. Bosco but I have been honest about it and by being honest I kind of worked through it. I mean, if he ever indicated an interest in me I might be motivated to hang out with him, but otherwise, he's my buddy! I love him for what I know he can give me, nothing else. (Of course it helps to have passionate, romantic flings with foreign men, too ) I have to talk to Murdock eventually. Like today, or tomorrow. I have to talk to him and I guess I have the option of glossing everything over and trying to pretend nothing happened, or just trying to get his defensive ass to admit that he really likes me. I kept repeating, how can you want to be my friend if you think so lowly of me?? And he kept saying, I value your friendship, but I knew he really meant, I want you to be more in my life. It sucks.
EC Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Its hard being in his situation..I mean liking someone and having to hear them talk about other guys and relationships in which you have been mistreated, when hes probably thinking why does she do this to herself when i can give here everything she has ever needed. I feel he wants you but can't have you but he rather have you in his life as a friend than not have you at all, but hes dealing with having feelings for you and being his friend. I have to talk to Murdock eventually. Like today, or tomorrow. I have to talk to him and I guess I have the option of glossing everything over and trying to pretend nothing happened, or just trying to get his defensive ass to admit that he really likes me. I kept repeating, how can you want to be my friend if you think so lowly of me?? And he kept saying, I value your friendship, but I knew he really meant, I want you to be more in my life. It sucks. If he were to admit it then what though? Would you want anything with him? If not he would have put himself out there and then have to deal with the fact that great now you know but nothing is going to come of it and he would probably feel weird and things would get icky! what a tough one.
Pocky Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 If he likes you, the two of you need to discuss it and deal with it. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away any time soon and all it does is cause emotional strife between the two of you. In my opinion, the biggest component of a dysfunctional relationship is miscommunication. If you can't talk about "it" and he can't talk about "it', but you're both thinking about "it" no wonder you can't get your **** worked out.
Marshbear Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 Male/female friendships are a gamble at best and when someone develops feelings things can really get volatile. I also think he is hiding his feelings and takes it out on you. I think the two of you need to be honest and talk it out. Don't let it fester and cause a huge rift where you hate each other and never want to see or speak ( I have a ex friend like this ). If he can't be your friend then you need to let each other go for both of yours sakes.
Author blind_otter Posted April 12, 2005 Author Posted April 12, 2005 Pocky is right, in a round about way. I am so accustomed to everything being f*cked up in my life that if it isn't, I feel weird. I don't know how to handle things being normal and chill. What would I talk about then? In any case I WISH it would go away. I spent like 2 hours talking to my lesbian friend last night about this, analyzing every little detail. Why did he do this, why did he do that? blah blah blah. Ultimately I think the problem is that I don't understand myself, therefore it's nearly impossible for me to understand other people or relate to them on a healthy level. I don't relate well to myself. I am emotionally amputated from my own emotions. I allow myself to have a certain degree of reaction to things and then I freak out and shut down. I wasn't always like this and my therapy for being in an abusive relationship and crisis counseling and all that has made me realize that my relationship with my ex f*cked me up on so many levels. Fear of committment, fear of intimacy, yadda yadda yadda. I am honest about it. I have said so many times, I can't be in a relationship right now, I can't do this I can't do that. I read over his emails and they are full of double entendre's and all sorts of mildly sexual innuendos, which I just sort of ignored or passed over because I didn't want to make a scene. And when I did bring up the fact that they made me uncomfortable, he would make me feel bad about it, insinuating that I am slutty and sexually open so why would I be uncomfortable? At the time I would just pass over it, intentionally trying to make it so I wasn't so upset on a continual basis. blah. Well, I will probably end up talking to him about this tonight and I will report back tomorrow. I can already see, though, that what will probably happen is that he will get defensive and pissy and I will end up withdrawing and just not talk to him any more.
RecordProducer Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 He wants you. He is jealous that you're hot for Bosco. And he is an assh*le. If I were you, he wouldn't be my friend anymore.
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