I am "the fat wife"

[darkbloom]

I worked full time and went to school full time and started to see a gain in my weight. I got a gym membership and would bring my reading materials on the treadmill with me. I would walk on an a pretty steep incline. I would give myself a goal of how many pages I had to read instead of steps. I killed two birds with one stone.

[BC1980]

And about halfway through the day, like about this time (which is what inspired me to write this) I start feeling sh*tty about myself and automatically go to the junk. If we don't have junk then I eat whatever I can find until I feel sick but don't actually get sick. And then I hate myself more and feel guilty that I'm letting him down, and the cycle goes on.

 

 

What can I do to push through this? Other than a therapist...the therapist turned me off so much that I'd rather not see one again.

 

 

FWIW...hubby has not told me I'm fat (even though years ago I gave him "permission" to without me getting mad), I don't blame him for any of this, and for months he has been saying how HE needs to lose weight so that's the cue I didn't pick up on back then.

 

You obviously use food as a coping mechanism. You need to see a therapist who is trained in dealing with eating disorders. I'm not labeling you as having an eating disorder, but there are therapists out there who deal strictly with people who have issues with food and dieting. They can help you figure out WHY you are eating until you are sick. That is called binging,and it can be addictive and a dysfunctional coping mechanism. They can give you a meal plan to follow but also give you the emotional support you need. They can help you find ways to cope that don't involve eating and then feeling shameful about it. Your problem isn't about going on a diet. You said that you went into a depression and then turned to food. You can't fix this by dieting.

 

Also, the part I bolded about you giving your husband permission to call you fat. That is so messed up and not okay. That has to be one of the saddest things I have ever read on LS. Definitely find a therapist that can help you. Do you have a primary doctor who can recommend someone?

Edited April 6, 2015 by BC1980

[SJS]

 

Also, the part I bolded about you giving your husband permission to call you fat. That is so messed up and not okay. That has to be one of the saddest things I have ever read on LS. Definitely find a therapist that can help you. Do you have a primary doctor who can recommend someone?

I think I may have not explained that well...I told him years ago that if he notices that I am gaining weight, instead of not saying anything in order to keep the peace, he had my permission to tell me he could notice the weight gain before it reached a breaking point, and I would not get upset or mad that he told me. I was not giving him permission to call me a fat cow or anything like that.

[alphamale]

I was not giving him permission to call me a fat cow or anything like that.

that's not a very nice thing to say at all

[SJS]

Sorry I couldn't write more earlier.

 

 

I met with my college's dietetic/nutrition program students, who went over my food log and gave me great ideas on better food choices and what to do at my problem times. Their director was off to the side supervising and at one point stopped them so we could talk. She specializes in emotional eating and saw it immediately whereas the students didn't pick it up. We figured out my triggers and set up a plan of action, which was super helpful. She actually really made me feel good about myself. We even got into how/why/when all of this started. She was so much more helpful than my therapist was. I go back in a week & half to meet with the director again.

 

 

In the meantime we've been doing family walks or bike rides every day, I got a haircut, and replaced all my old makeup and have been making an effort to look nice® every day. We've been eating smaller, healthier meals too.

 

 

Darkbloom I've thought about that! Most of my work is on the computer though. I need a hospital bed table that would swing over a recumbent bike

 

 

I don't have Netflix, but will look into seeing if my library has that documentary.

Thank you all again!

[bebe23]

Hi, SJS, I'm glad you are getting on track with your eating and fitness habits and it reminds me of the way I used to be. But I've lost it.

 

I completely lost motivation and I've turned back to food. I do enjoy the times I walk with my dog, or run or dance, but I'm a procrastinator and keep putting it off. I cannot stop sabotaging myself. I have only gained back 6 pounds from the 15 I've lost last year. I would ideally like to lose 30 pounds to be at the healthy weight I was at in my early 30's. I'm 44 now, size 14 jeans and I'm about 5'3 in stature.

 

So anyway, I'm a 'fat wife' too, but my husband hasn't shown less or more attraction to me in spite of all my weight fluctuations throughout our 18-year marriage. He always calls me sexy and he can't keep his paws off me, LOL- whether I've weighed 130, 165, or 185! And he himself has always been lean and fit, an avid athlete where I've not been athletically inclined. My interests and hobbies are all sedentary. Books, writing, computer, etc.

 

I guess I've been lucky because wherever I've tried to get back on track, it's not because I'm worried about his attraction. It's for me only, and to be a better lifestyle example for my kids. I'm much happier with myself in the times when I've been at a healthier weight. But right now I can't pull myself up from the love of FOOD! I tried the site 'Sparkpeople' but it seems like the members there are too diet and exercise obsessed, overly moralistic about food choices. (No sugar ever!) I need a balanced life because when I have been obsessed with diet I can't stay in that mode very long. Something else always takes my passion away, and I gain the weight back, time and again.